Chapter 4
Author: Ellen
Rating: NC-17 (overall story)
Spoilers: Up Through "She"
Summary: A retelling of the episode "She" as it might have happened in the Power of Three universe.
Disclaimer: Cordelia, Doyle and Angel all belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy Productions, 20th Century Fox and/or the WB television network. If I owned them, they would still be discovering one another's hidden depths.
Thoughts between Angel, Doyle and Cordelia are marked //like this.//
I woke up to the sweet sensation of Cordelia's fingers at the back of my neck.
Even without the bond, I would have been able to tell her warm fingers from Angel's cooler touch. With the bond, though, I could almost taste the delicious echo in Cordelia's mind as her fingertips brushed ever so lightly against my skin.
I didn't move, although she knew I was awake, my face resting against Angel's shoulder. I stayed where I was, letting her know silently how much I enjoyed such an awakening.
I felt her smile in answer.
Slowly, she traced the angles of my shoulders, first one shoulderblade and then the other and then began to trace down the line of my spine with delicate fingertips. Knowing that it was what she wanted, I remained absolutely still, face-down, looking for all the world as though I hadn't even noticed what she was doing.
Ah, it was sweet to feel her notice my reaction, though... and even sweeter when I felt Angel noticing, as well.
//We do need to talk,// Cordelia murmured in both our minds, her fingers continuing their slow, gentle exploration.
//Later,// I agreed.
Barely moving, Angel leaned down to brush his cool lips against my forehead. //Yes. Later.//
I shifted slightly, sensing Cordelia's intent, as her fingers moved over my left shoulder, toward my collarbone. She bent close, her hair falling against my neck.
//Just stay where you are.//
Angel's mind hummed in unison with my own pleasure as Cordelia traced the tattoo on my shoulder with her tongue.
//Mine next,// he demanded softly of Cordelia, as his hand made contact with my other shoulder.
I shivered helplessly, trying to remain still as they both wanted, as Angel began to mirror Cordelia's efforts. His lips swept down from my forehead, along my cheek and lingered under my ear and at my jaw, his cool tongue gradually working down the right side of my body as the heat of Cordelia's mouth continued on my left.
//Patience,// she teased him. //I'll get to you soon enough.//
I groaned out loud, as I struggled to lie still and not to grab either one of them and I felt their laughter.
Then there was only the joy of being loved.
I closed my eyes and surrendered to the joy.
Some time later, with the three of us still curled up together in an exhausted cuddle, Cordelia's thoughts reached out again to Angel and to me.
//Something we need to talk about.//
//Yes,// Angel agreed.
I kept my eyes closed, concentrating on the feeling of their two bodies pressed against mine and Cordelia's fingers still tangled in my hair. I knew what was coming next and I didn't like it.
//If anything happens to me, or to Doyle...// Cordelia began.
//Most likely,// Angel answered her thought before it was fully shared. //You two are now the anchor to my soul. Where the curse once was, our bond is now. Without the two of you, Angelus will be loose again.//
//Which means that my life expectancy after that is about thirty seconds. And if anything happens to you, Angel, or to me...// she continued.
//I know.// My own thought was reluctant but I couldn't escape it. //Without the two of you, I'm dead again, the way I'm s'posed to be.//
//Never supposed to be,// Angel thought back fiercely. //If anyone was supposed to be dead, it's me.//
//But you are, more or less,// Cordelia reminded him.
//I've never felt more alive.//
//So how do we keep it that way?// Ever-practical Cordelia.
//We don't exactly live a low-risk lifestyle here,// I concurred. //There's a pretty good chance that one of us could get killed any time.//
//It's not just about us any more. It's about protecting the world from Angelus.//
I knew where Angel and Cordelia were going with this and despite the warmth of Cordelia's body against mine, I started to feel cold.
//I'm not sure I like what you're suggesting, man.//
//We need to use all the assets we have. That includes your demon. We need to practice drawing on each other's strengths.//
Cordelia put in, //Between his vamp-ness and your demon-ness, there's a lot of power there. If you can borrow from each other, better chance for all of us. Hey, maybe I can do it too.//
She sent us both a vivid mental image of herself first in vamp-face and then wearing a Brachen demon face and I felt myself recoil.
//Cordelia, no!//
I couldn't help it. Revulsion and horror overflowed from my mind into both of theirs.
Angel's mental voice was like a slap across the face. //That reaction could get us all killed. Or worse.//
//He's right,// Cordelia chimed in. //It's not just your own life you're risking any more. Until you can accept and use your demon, we're all in danger.//
I felt trapped. //I can't.//
//If we can accept it and love you, why not?//
//It's not enough.// I sent them both memories of Harry, in bed with me, reassuring me of her love and memories of myself, pulling away, rejecting her, driving her away from me. //If love were enough, I'd still be with her.//
I felt the hurt in Cordelia's mind and my own shame deepened.
//This is unacceptable.// Angel's mental voice was colder than I'd ever felt it. //Not only do we love you but our lives and my soul depend on you. You're not entitled to the luxury of hating yourself. Not if it gets Cordelia killed or brings Angelus back. How many years have you been using your demon as an excuse to screw up your life? It stops now.//
//I can't,// I repeated.
//You can and you will.// Cordelia had tears in her eyes and I knew I'd put them there but I also felt the wave of determination rising in her. She put her hands on my face and held it tightly between her palms. //Look inside me.//
My eyes still closed, I followed the image in her mind. I saw my own face, held between her hands.
I opened my eyes and saw her face hovering above mine. At the same time, I saw myself through her eyes.
The love that she was feeling for me hit me so hard that I could barely breathe.
//Don't make me cry,// I whispered in her mind. //It's not fair.//
//Don't make me die,// she echoed brutally. //It's not fair.//
//God, that was cruel.//
//Whatever it takes.//
Angel took his turn. //Look.//
Unwillingly, fighting back tears, I found myself compelled to look through his eyes also and saw not only the face he was seeing at that moment but the demon-face he'd seen before. He knew that face far better than Cordelia did. He'd seen it far more often than she had.
He loved it, too.
I gave in to the tears and Cordelia kissed them gently as they fell, her lips soft and warm against my cheek, while Angel held my mind firmly within his.
He showed me how he'd felt when he crashed through the window to rescue me just before Harry's fiance was about to eat my brains. Then he showed me how he'd felt at the moment when I died and I almost screamed again from the pain of it, even worse than the pain I'd felt myself.
//Don't do this to me,// I begged.
//I will. I must.//
//We love you. All of you. Every part of you.// Cordelia's thoughts were like a whip cracking through me. //And we're not going to let all three of us die just because you have some stupid hangup about your demon.//
Her lips and hands moved off my face and her mental voice became a command. //Change.//
//No.//
Angel spoke quietly in my mind but there was a tone of threat there that I'd never felt from him before.
Suddenly it wasn't hard to remember that Angelus was still there, inside him.
//We could force you, you know.//
//No. No. No.//
//We don't want to force you,// Cordelia put in quickly. //He's right though. We could, if we wanted.//
//I can't believe this.//
Her mind was implacable and I felt the strength of her will, held in check only by her love. For the first time, I fully realized that Cordelia was not the weakest of us, despite her human body.
The weak link here was me.
//That changes. Now.//
//I can't.//
//You can. You will. Change.//
I was sobbing openly now and each of them held one of my hands, as their pressure on my mind increased. //Don't... please. Harry wasn't cruel enough to do this to me.//
//That's why she lost you. We're not losing you again. Change.//
I felt like I was drowning.
I changed.
As soon as I did, Cordelia opened her mind even wider to mine, so that I could see what she saw and feel what she felt. With Angel's silent support behind her, she looked deep into the red eyes of my demon face, only inches away from hers.
//I love you,// she said to my demon-face and Angel echoed it.
I had never wept in demon-form before. The tears stung as they made their way around the spikes. Cordelia's fingers, hesitant at first, went to the base of each spike in turn, as though she somehow knew what to do. Perhaps she did, from somewhere deep within my mind.
Carefully avoiding the sharp tips, she caressed the bottom of each thorn of flesh, working her way from one to the other with the most incredible tenderness. My body tingled and sang with the sensation.
She smiled. //Thought so.//
Angel's cool hand was gently stroking my body as Cordelia's fingers on my face produced the most exquisite stimulation that I'd ever experienced.
//No,// I protested again but weakly this time, without real conviction. The intense response I was feeling throughout my whole body spoke so much more loudly than my thoughts.
//Yes.//
No one had ever made love to me while I was in demon-form before. Harry had offered but I refused.
Maybe if I had said yes then, my life would have been very different.
All that I knew, at this particular moment, was that my body was bucking with arousal and that the two people I loved in this world were loving me not only with their bodies but with their whole minds and hearts as well, in a form that I'd always believed no one could ever love.
//We can. We do.//
//Forever.//
I couldn't think any more. I may have passed out, I'm not sure. I know that I had reached a point where all coherent thought had ceased for me.
All that I could hear in my mind, through the overwhelming intensity of need that was slamming through my body, was the echoing thought from both their minds, repeating without sound.
//We love you.//
