Beast
Xander felt sick to his stomach and was more than happy to reach the safety of their hotel room. He dropped the bag of supplies they’d bought at the pharmacy by the door and flopped on the bed, pulling the pillow over his face.
“Xan? You okay Love?”
“Yes. No. I’m not okay because I’m okay.” He knew the pillow muffled his voice but that Spike would still be able to hear him. He felt the bed dip as Spike sat down beside of him.
“Run that by me again Pet, I got lost in the circle of your logic.”
Xander pulled the pillow away from his face and used it to prop himself up on the bed. “It’s just, well I just killed someone. Well we both did, but you’re used to it. But I, I snapped his neck Spike. I didn’t need to, he was threatening us yeah but we’re both strong enough to just beat the crap out of them and leave them there. They were idiots, but couldn’t hurt us. I wasn’t fighting for my life. I just got pissed and snapped his neck. I know you said it’s the hyena in me, and maybe that’s true. Still I don’t like that I did it, or that I wasn’t bothered by it more. Dose that make sense?”
He heard Spike sigh. These kinds of talks were always difficult for them, they’d had quiet a few at the beginning of their relationship. Dealing with the fact that Spike killed and fed off of humans, but could still love, and the fact that Xander cared for him despite that had been a major hurdle in their relationship. Spike’s hand made it’s way to his abdomen and rubbed at his scar.
“Love its instinct, just as much for you as it is for me. Just think of it this way, if this little one was born, if we’d been holding the baby and that happened, would you feel guilty?”
Xander was silent as he thought about it. He could almost feel the rage at the thought of someone harming his baby.
“Probably, but not as bad. You’re right Spike. It’s like, well it’s like when we compromised I guess. Law of the jungle; the strong survive while the weak are culled from the herd. And those guys were obviously weak in the head. I guess I’m just afraid of loosing control too, becoming like I was when I was totally possessed. What happens if I hurt you? Or worse yet the baby?”
Spike laughed and pressed a quick kiss to his lips, leaving them tingling. “Xander if the hyena got full control it would recognize me as your mate and alpha, and it would recognize the baby as yours, but it’s not gonna happen. You’re still you; you know that, you’ve just got some accessories in that brain of yours. Now why don’t you call Red and find out what’s happening in Sunnyhell while I run down to the lobby. Then we’ll try out some of the stuff you bought to help you sleep, okay?”
Xander got up and reached for his cell phone. “Sounds good. Probably half of my problems come from not sleeping.”
A quick kiss was pressed to his lips. “Right, I’ll just be popping out then.”
Xander waited till Spike left before he started dialing the phone. He figured hormones along with the lack of sleep and the stress of being attacked was making him snarky, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to admit it to Spike. One of his greatest fears about his pregnancy was the thought of turning into a cliché, eating ice cream and pickles and crying over coffee commercials.
Still he was more than willing to admit the nightmares were getting to him. Hopefully talking to Willow would help set his mind at ease.
****
Xander was sitting brooding on the bed waiting for Spike to get back. He admitted freely to himself that he was brooding. At least he had good cause. Talking to Willow had only gave him new things to worry about, rather than reassuring him.
He heard the key card being used and restrained himself from jumping Spike the minute he came through the door. Not because jumping Spike was bad, but because it would be for the wrong reason. They’d talk first, then he’s jump Spike.
He watched as Spike slipped out of his duster and laid it on a chair, a bag from one of the shops in the lobby unsuccessfully hidden in it’s folds. That at least brought a faint smile to his face; Spike was planning a surprise for him. He needed a nice surprise for a change.
“Hey.”
“What happened Pet, you’ve got that doom and gloom look on your face.”
Xander waited till Spike had climbed up on the bed with him. They were both fully clothed, except for shoes, and were on top of the covers but it made Xander feel safe lying next to Spike, being in his arms.
“Well you know that Buffy called in Angel right? He, he came to Sunnydale, if Wills and Tara hadn’t hidden her he would have gotten Drusilla. He didn’t like the fact that she’d kind of eaten a platoon of men. Wills said she’s left town now that she said she’d done what she could. But Spike, she was staying in our house and Angel, he burned it down. Our house Spike!” His voice broke and he found himself wrapped up in Spike’s arms.
“Xan you know its only things. We’re safe and we’re together. That’s all that matters.”
“But Spike! It was our house, our home. It had the bedspread from the hotel the first time we made love and the stuff from our first Christmas together. It had our favorite books, and the tee shirt Jesse gave me and the Barbie I stole from Willow and kept. It was ours and that bastard took it from us just because he doesn’t like the fact that we’re together!”
His throat was tight but he refused to cry. What had hurt the most was hearing Willow apologizing, as if she was afraid he’d be mad at her. It was like she was jumpy around him now that she knew about him and Spike. He hadn’t noticed it too much before they’d left, they didn’t have much time to talk the either. Then again sharing a dorm room with Drusilla would make anyone jumpy. .
“Xander, we’ll buy more books, fuck we can replace it all. It’s just things, they don’t matter.”
“I know Spike. I guess it’s just the fact that Buffy knew we’re together and I’m happy yet she still has sicced Angel on us like an attack dog. From what Willow said Riley’s been telling her that you’ve got me thralled and the Initiative was trying to break me free from your spell. Willow and Buffy are fighting, Willow moved in with Tara at least; Giles is trying to make Buffy see sense and she called him a traitor for having demon friends. I feel guilty, it’s like I stirred up a hornet’s nest and the left G-man and Willow to deal with it all.”
He wiggled in Spike’s arms and the vampire pulled back, forcing him to look at him.
“You really think we’re just running away? Xander if it wasn’t for the baby I’d have turned you the minute we escaped, and soul or no soul we’d have paid those wankers back in blood for what they’ve done. Fuck. I’d go back and do it now, except for the fact that I won’t, can’t leave you. I need to protect you, and if you look into that weird brain of yours you’d realize you need me to protect you. It’s instinct.”
Xander thought about it, and realized Spike was right in a way. He felt this need to protect his baby, to do everything for his child that his parents never did for him. Whether it was the hyena or just him he wasn’t sure. It didn’t matter really, as long at all of his brain was agreed about the baby. He wondered where the soldier in his head was in all this.
Probably dying of shock, in the military it was “don’t ask, don’t tell” about same sex relationships, male pregnancy probably had him in some corner of his brain hiding.
Much like when Willow first told him he was pregnant.
Just then he had a thought. He looked at Spike and saw both the love and the anger at what had happened to them.
“When the baby comes, you’re going after them aren’t you?”
“Yeah Pet. I have to. They won’t rest till they get our little one and I can’t let that happen.”
“I get it. Its scary but I understand. Hell, I want to help you.”
“Can’t Love, even after the little one is born. One of us has to be around you know?”
Hearing Spike say that made Xander realize how much things were going to change. No more hunting with Spike. One of them had to stay safe, stay alive. For their child’s sake.
“Fuck Spike, I’m gonna be a mommy! And you’re gonna be a daddy!”
Spike looked at him oddly. “That’s usually happens when one’s pregnant Xan.”
Xander laughed. “You don’t get it Spike. You’re gonna be a Master Vampire carrying a diaper bag while your Consort pushes the stroller. If we can send the kid to school you’ll be the first undead member of the PTA. They’re be sleepovers and circuses and we’ll take our kid and sit through the same fucking Disney movie so many times we’ll know all the words to the songs and you’ll want to pull the spine out of whoever wrote them. Barney, Spike. At some point in time we’ll watch Barney or worse yet Teletubbies.”
He watched as Spike slammed his head against the wall. “Bloody fucking hell stake me now! There is no way in hell any child of mine is watching any thing that talks like they’re stupid.”
“Sesame Street it is then. And hey demon friendly children’s programming. You got human kids playing with Cookie Monster and Elmo. And that Kermit is a pretty cool frog.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about and I don’t want to know what you’re talking about Pet. Kid’s not even popped out yet and you’re planning its fall TV season. And we’ll get a pram, not a stroller.”
They lay in silence for a while, each lost in their own thoughts. Finally Xander curls into Spike. “Can I still hurt Angel for burning down our house?”
“I’d be disappointed if you didn’t Xan. Now come on, strip. We’re gonna have a nice hot bath and I’ll order up some hot water for that tea we bought for you.”
Twenty minutes later Xander was leaning against his lover and they were both immersed in hot water in the hotel room’s large bathtub. The room smelled of the bath oil and candles that Spike had bought in the lobby downstairs. Lavender and chamomile and other herbs to help him relax. The smell and the heat seeping into his bones, relaxing him till he wanted to just sleep.
Spike was washing him, washcloth running over his arms, chest and stomach, working it’s way lower. He was sitting in front of his lover, leaning against his chest and all but purring in contentment. The edginess that had been with him ever since the fight falling away in the face of Spike’s gentle caresses.
This was what people missed when they took Spike at face value. Spike would always be the big bad, killer, all of that. But when he loved someone that person felt it in their bones. The same hands that had the strength to break bone and tear flesh could be so soothing.
He gasped as the washcloth brushed against his cock and he felt it filling with blood. “God Spike, love the way you touch me.”
“Good thing I like touching you then isn’t it? Relax, let me do this for you.” Spike’s voice was deep and he could feel his lover’s cock rising to the occasion as well. He lay back and let his hands run over Spike’s thighs, tracing patterns under the water as Spike used the washcloth to stroke his length, and then running it over his balls tickling them just for a moment so he lost his breath.
“Bastard.” He was panting and laughing all at once. Spike just laughed with him and pressed a kiss to the side of his throat. He arched his neck, giving his lover the freedom to do what he wanted.
The washcloth was abandoned and now it was Spike’s fingers alone that did the teasing. The thumb of one hand stroking the tip of his cock and his other hand was busy fondling his balls. Xander began to pant and rock into his lover’s touch and he tried to make sure he rubbed up against Spike’s cock at the same time. Spike groaned low in his chest and thrust towards him while licking at the side of his neck.
Spike sped up his rhythm and Xander found himself begging his lover for more. Now both of Spike’s hand was working his cock, using both hands to pull and stroke until his eyes rolled back in his head.
His body arched and he came with a shout as he felt the pleasure/pain of fangs in his neck at the same time Spike twisted his cock ever so slightly. He heard an answering shout and felt Spike buckle as well.
He collapsed against Spike panting, his eyes getting heavier and harder to open. “Mmmm, loved that Spike. Love you.”
“Love you Xan. Love the both of you. Hold on and I’ll get you into bed Pet.” He felt himself being held to Spike’s chest as he was lifted from the bath and his lover stepped out. He was sat on the vanity counter as Spike dried him off carefully and Xander thought that if he could purr he’d be doing it.
As he was carried to bed Xander spared a thought for the hyena part of his brain. He couldn’t feel it as if it was a separate being but he knew he felt happy and content and safe now that Spike had taken the time to bath and dry him. Of course the sex hadn’t hurt a thing either.
“You still want that tea Pet?”
“Nuh-uh. Want you. Sleep with me?”
He smiled as Spike crawled in beside him and he was wrapped up in cool arms. Spike even threw his legs over his, effectively trapping Xander. Instead of making him feel claustrophobic it made him feel safe and content.
“Sleep Love.”
“Night Spike.” His last thought as he drifted off to sleep was that he wouldn’t have any nightmares; Spike had washed them all away.
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