Natural Instincts

Billy Brennan groaned as he woke, momentarily disorientated, not recognizing the plain white walls of the hospital room, listening keenly for the sound that had disturbed him. There it was again. He struggled to a sitting position, hissing as his injuries made themselves known once more. He looked around, a bright grin lighting his face as he spotted Alan Grant asleep in the chair beside him, his fedora tilted over his face to shield his eyes. Alan was snoring softly in his sleep, the source of the sound that Billy hadn't been able to place. He rolled carefully onto his side, and propped himself up on one elbow, hand supporting his head as he watched the older man sleep.

Billy didn't know how long he lay there, but when Alan started stirring, sunlight was filtering in through the curtains. Without opening his eyes, Alan pushed his hat back onto his head and yawned, stretching as he did so, one shoulder cracking. When he did his open his eyes, they met Billy's and an answering grin soon spread across his face.

"Billy..." He pulled his chair up close to the bed as he spoke, gently capturing his lovers hand.

"Dr. Grant." Billy's voice held an almost questioning tone to it as he broke eye contact, staring over Alan's shoulder at the wall behind the paleontologist.

"I have a name, Billy." Alan admonished him gently, catching Billy's eyes once more.

"Alan." Billy's voice broke as he fell forward into Alan's arms, shaking with relief. He wound his arms around Alan, and felt Alan holding him just as tightly. "You're alive, oh thank God, you're OK."

"Hey, hey, c'mon Billy. Relax, it's all right." He untangled himself from Billy and pulled away, holding the younger man at arm's length. "Billy, calm down, or you're going to hurt yourself."

"I'm fine," Billy protested, trying to get closer to Alan. He squirmed forward in Alan's grip, and kissed the older man. Alan relented and returned the kiss, his grip on Billy tightening. His roaming hands must have found one of Billy's many injuries, because the younger man stiffened and tried to stifle a moan of pain. Alan reacted instantly, laying Billy back down on the bed.

Billy scrunched his eyes together, gritting his teeth as wave after wave of pain hit his body. Alan reacted instantly, jumping to his feet, knocking the chair to the floor in his haste.

"Billy? Billy? Just relax, Billy, I'll get a nurse." Alan was trying unsuccessfully not to panic at the sight of his assistant, his lover lying there in agony. He hadn't even had chance to move away from the side of the bed, though, when Billy's hand shot out, grabbing his wrist. Alan winced at the force Billy was squeezing his arm with, but didn't pull away.

"No...nurses," Billy ground out a few moments later when the spasms wracking his body subsided. "All they do is knock me out, and I dream... It hurts, Alan," he admitted. "Every time I close my eyes I see..." He trailed off, shaking his head, not meeting Alan's worried gaze.

Alan didn't speak, just sank down on the edge of the bed. He pried Billy's fingers from around his wrist and held the bandaged hand loosely, waiting for the younger man to regain his composure.

"I'm sorry." Minutes of silence had passed before Billy spoke again. "I never, ever meant for you to end up with the eggs." He sighed and turned his head to look at Alan, brown eyes flashing with determination. "As soon as I'm out of this place, I'll hand in my resignation and be out of your life for good."

Alan felt his stomach clench painfully at Billy's words. "I won't accept it." The hurt he felt at Billy's statement showed in the flat tone of his voice, an inflection he didn't even try to hide. "You're the best site manager, the best damn assistant I've ever had and I'm as sure as hell not going to lose you." The pride he felt at keeping his voice from shaking was overshadowed by the feeling of dread that Billy could leave him.

"I... I don't understand." Billy's forehead creased in a frown. "How can you... After what hap... After what I did?"

Alan smiled at Billy's obvious confusion. "Because I love you, Billy Brennan." He leaned over and kissed Billy gently on the lips. "And because I know that no matter how stupid your actions were, you believed you were doing it for the best. I just don't understand why. You know what happened the last time those...creatures were brought to the mainland..."

"I know. I just thought that maybe... No, uhmm... The dig needs money, and we couldn't get funding, so I thought that if we could show them something they could see, could smell, could touch, something real, then they might cough up. I didn't know things would turn out the way they did. I shouldn't have taken them... And I'm sorry. That's all I can say. I never wanted to let you down, to disappoint you, for you to hate me." Billy stopped, blinking back tears.

Alan opened his mouth, closed it and started again. "Hate you? I don't hate you, Billy. How could you think that?" He held up his hand as Billy was about to speak. "Let me finish. Have you been listening to me? I love you. I didn't mean what I said, I regretted it as soon as I'd said it; I was angry, I was scared and you'd already pulled away. I didn't have a chance to make it up to you. And then you pulled that stupid stunt. I knew in that instant that I'd already forgiven you. You scared ten years off my life, Billy. What were you thinking?" He'd stood and was pacing the floor, gesturing agitatedly.

"I couldn't just stand back and let Eric be killed, not after everything we'd been through to rescue him. I knew I could help. What was I supposed to do?" Billy's eyes followed Alan's motions across the floor of the room.

"You didn't have to risk your own life." He stopped his pacing and spun on the spot to look at Billy, blue eyes glistening with unshed tears. "You could have died, Billy, and I hadn't told you how sorry was or how much I love you." He could feel the tears threatening to overspill and turned away, blinking rapidly. He was not going to cry in front of his student, he was not.

"Alan?" Billy struggled to a sitting position, his concern for his partner overriding the pain the movement brought. "Alan, come here." Billy's voice dropped softer, and he held out his hand. "Please?"

Alan's shoulder's slumped and he sighed, but still did not turn around.

"Damn you, Alan Grant. Don't you dare shut me out again." Billy didn't need to raise his voice. His quiet tones were laced with enough anger to make the older man flinch. "I love you, Alan, and if I lose you now...Well I might as well have died in that river."

Alan spun on his heels, and marched over to the side of the bed in two large steps. His hands locked on Billy's shoulders and he was about to shake him when he remembered the extent of the younger man's injuries. "Don't ever say that again, Billy." The paleontologist was mad and not doing a thing to hide it. "Do you have any idea what you've just said? Or how much that hurts?"

"Probably about as much as you accusing me of betrayal. I don't think you can imagine quite how scared I was. I knew what was happening, and I couldn't tell you because I knew you'd overreact.."

"Overreact???"

"And there is no way you could know how I felt when I went after Eric. I just had to do something. I don't know, maybe to redeem myself in your eyes." Billy ignored Alan's interruption and carried on speaking. "But it went wrong, and all I could remember, hanging there with the pteranodons circling around me like vultures, was the complete disgust in your eyes when you looked at me. I knew those beautiful animals were going to kill me and the only thing I could think about was that I was going to die alone, without you. With you hating me."

The fight drained out of Alan, his whole body feeling numb as he picked up the chair, sitting once again at Billy's bedside. He had no idea what to say, and simply picked up his lover's hand, thumb rubbing over the skin, trying to convey his feelings without words.

"How could you call those monsters 'beautiful'?" Alan's curiosity got the better of him, and he found himself questioning Billy's words.

Billy's face all but lit up, the cheeky grin that Alan loved brightening the bruised face. "They were dinosaurs, Alan." He rolled his eyes at the disbelieving look on his partners face. "Genetically engineered toy clones, but still dinosaurs. Pterosaurs, Alan! Pterosaurs." There was no disguising Billy's enthusiasm.

"They tried to eat you, Billy." Alan reminded him as gently as he could, but there was no easy way of saying the words.

Shaking his head, Billy denied Alan's words. "No, that's not what was happening. They were trying to take me to the nest, to their young. That's where I rescued Eric from. They were trying to take me up there too, but I was too heavy for them to carry. Don't you see, Alan? They were taking food to their young, just like birds. They had a nest." Billy's eyes were shining with excitement as he met Alan's concerned gaze.

Alan frowned. "No matter what their intentions were, they were still trying to kill you, Billy. How can you sit here and be so enthusiastic about them?"

Billy was quiet, simply looking at his mentor before replying. "Tell me about the raptors, Alan."

Alan's eyes lit up and his mind raced, trying to decide what he could say. He opened his mouth to speak, and laughed ruefully. "I see your point." He couldn't help the grin from spreading over his face at Billy's infectious laugh.

The two men sat there in companionable silence, content in each others company, simply looking at each other and holding hands. The sounds of the hospital filtered in through the door but did not disturb them.

The peace was broken eventually by Billy's jaw-crackingly wide yawn that he tried to cover up. Alan smiled affectionately at the injured man.

Billy blushed, and looked pointedly at the IV tube running into the back of his hand. "Sorry, Alan." He yawned again as the drugs started to take their desired effect, putting him to sleep. "But, please stay?"

"Of course I will." Alan reached over and brushed a stray lock of hair off of Billy's forehead. He moved from where he sat on the edge of the bed, climbing under the covers. He shifted around so that he was sitting with Billy lying in his arms, settling himself in to guard his lover from whatever would haunt his dreams.