Chapter 6

Jim woke up early to shower and shaved his legs, happy for a sentinel's touch. Blair entered the shower after Jim had put down the disposal razor. "My testes are shrunk to the size of prunes."

"They aren't that bad."

"I doubt they'll recover. I've have been peeing sitting down lately."

"You have a dick."

"For what good it does me."

Blair kissed Jim's back. "What do you want from me?"

"Your love. I'm terrified. I have breasts and hips. I look more feminine than poor Heather."

"You're having a baby."

"I need understanding. I love what is happening to me, but, at the same time, I don't think I'm me anymore."

"You sound like a woman." Blair shouldn't have said that. Jim was working very hard on sounding and looking like a woman.

"Feel me. Show me that you love me."

Blair wrapped his arms around Jim. His dick reached for Jim's hole. Blair pressed close against Jim and whispered, "I want you so bad."

Jim smelled Blair's arousal and turned around in the water to kiss Blair. Jim kissed Blair feeling so fat near the short, slender man. Blair had lost some weight after the drowning and he was still less 150 pounds, dwarfed by Jim's 220. Jim wanted to pick Blair up and bring him to his height but he had promised the doctor that he would pick up nothing heavy. He didn't buy baby furniture the night before; he did look and make mental choices.

Jim toweled off, then joined Blair on their bed. Blair licked and kissed Jim's back. Jim enjoyed the intimate touches although he was no longer becoming sexually aroused. Not exactly, he had more peaks but they weren't as high. It was like every intimate touch was arousing. Jim loved to be caressed and loved caressing Blair. His body felt wonderful as Blair kissed, nibbled and sucked on him. Jim turned to face Blair and after fondling him a moment licked the tip of his penis. Blair's erect penis felt good in his mouth. He loved giving Blair pleasure.

"Can I do that for you?" Blair asked afterwards.

"It only gets a little hard," Jim said embarrassed.

"Jamie, I don't want anything that you can't do. Let me enjoy what you have."

"It's so soft."

"It's still beautiful." Blair went down on Jim.

Blair was right; it did feel good. Jim pulled his legs up. He wanted to see Blair when they made love. He could feel so much when Blair was inside him that he didn't miss ejaculating. He missed it like hell at first, it was over four months and sensory memories fade fast. If women could remember what it felt like to give birth, the species would have died off long ago. Jim was going to have a C-section so he wasn't too concerned about that. That bothered him was that he had forgot what it felt like to ejaculate. He knew it felt good, real good, but that didn't explain the sensation.

After shaving, Jim dressed for work and called Bianca to fax the police department records that she was treating James Ellison with female hormones. As Blair was drinking his coffee, Jim put on the pageboy wig after brushing it to the best of his ability. Recalling what Heather had taught him, he applied his make-up. "Honey, am I passable as a woman?"

"Jamie, don't ask me anything until I drank my algae shake and a cup of coffee."

Jim ate an apple. Fruit first thing in the morning wasn't Jim's idea of breakfast, but Blair and Bianca told him that he had to eat right for the baby. After he threw the apple core in the trash, he took a banana. "Just because when I look in the mirror, I see a woman's face smiling at me doesn't mean I can act like a lady."

"Megan is a bigger macho asshole than you and no one questions her sex. You have been doing great at it. I know you're nervous about cross-dressing. You're the one that wanted to go this route."

"It's better than hiding in a mountain cabin route." Jim didn't need to add that he could be hiding anywhere (Peru, Europe, etc) that no one recognize him and he could stay secluded most of the time. Jim didn't have to put an effort into acting feminine most of the time. It was starting to become second nature, but wearing a dress was going on stage. Everyone would see him now.

Jim hugged and kissed Blair. Placing the shoulder holster on under his jacket, Jim looked in the mirror. His once square jaw was rounder but that was probably due more too many buttermilk donuts. He had a slight double chin, but it helped hide his Adam's apple. You didn't have to be a sentinel to see Blair's Adam's apple from across the room; Jim's never sticked out that much. Jim put on some lip-gloss.

Blair yelled, "Darling, remember to put crackers in your purse."

Jim put a travel packet of Saltines in his purse with the make-up, wallet and keys. "Saltines for morning sickness. Chief, I don't know what I would do without you."

"Jamie, if I didn't know you as Jim Ellison, I would have think you have been a woman all your life. Your behavior is perfect and I'm not saying that because I'm your husband." Blair refilled his coffee. "Too perfect."

Jim spent half the morning getting a new ID made. Henri whistled when Jim walked to his desk.

"Nice legs," said Henri.

"Thank you." Jim blushed. Those stupid hormones, again.

"Ellison, Conner, there was been another home invasion. Conner, I trust you can fill Ellison in on the details," Simon bellowed.

"Yes, sir," said Conner.

"No discussing make-up hints because Ellison decided to get in touch with her feminine side," Simon shouted.

"I didn't know he had one," Rafe said. Jim gave Rafe a smug look and picked up his purse.

"Ellison, we'll go in my car," said Conner. "How are you holding up?"

"Fine," said Jim. "Brown whistled at my legs."

Jim looked at the site of the break-in, a middle class house in a nice neighborhood. After surveying the damage, he spoke to Cassie Wells of forensics as they gathered evidence. Cassie asked, "Are you new to the department?"

"No, I've worked for CPD for almost ten years," said Jim.

"I don't recall a Jamie Ellison, and I make it a point to get to know everyone."

"You were too busy not dating Sandburg to notice me. Thanks to your friend, Chapel, we're still finding bullet holes in the loft."

"James Ellison, is this some sort of perverse joke?" Cassie handed Jim another bag, squatting not to get broken glass in her legs. Cassie had on a shorter skirt than Jim and the carpet was littered with glass shards.

"We have evidence to label." Jim kneeled on the glass-covered carpet without bunching up the skirt or getting the skirt in his way as he carefully picked up a shard. "This one has a fingerprint."

Cassie put it in a bag. "Most likely from the owner's child. They probably broke the windows, breakfront and television with baseball bats or hockey sticks." She went over to dust the breakfront for fingerprints. "I never expected to see James Ellison in a dress."

"Jamie Ellison." Jim looked over the stereo system for fingerprints and dusted the ones he found for Cassie to collect later. "Captain Banks wouldn't let me work in woman's clothes without a doctor's note and Human Resources' approval. I was so angry at Banks that I told him to call me Mrs. Sandburg."

"You didn't," Cassie whispered as she collected and label the fingerprints Jim found. The invaders seemed more interested in breaking windows and furniture and the thief seemed a side issue. Megan was getting the list of items stolen: Italian silverware, stereo equipment, expensive china and an antique gold bracelet. The robbers seemed to taken pleasure out of breaking a television too heavy to move.

"The first day I wear a dress and I have to collect evident in a house buried under broken glass."

"Mrs. Sandburg." Cassie laughed. "That must have gone over well."

"I was in a 'Janet, Miss Jackson if you're nasty', mood," explained Jim, trying to squat in a less glass-covered spot.

"I'll wheeze in his direction and make him feel guilty."

Conner said to the lady of the house. "That's all I need for now. I'll call if I need more."

"I hope you catch those guys. That bracelet was my great-grandmother's," said the lady.

Cassie was packing up her forensics equipment and Jim was handing her the last of the evidence bags. Megan huffed. "Are you ladies done chit-chatting?"

Jim stood up. "Conner, go back to the station. I'll help Wells get the evidence to her van."

While driving back, Cassie asked, "How is Blair dealing with the new you?"

"A faggot's worse nightmare, finding a woman in his bed."

Cassie looked at Jim's crotch.

"They're still there, but my testicles look like prunes and my dick is on permanent vacation. Sandburg isn't real comfortable with his once male lover needing a bra."

"Then he hasn't popped the question?"

"No, but Banks doesn't need to know that." Jim smiled an evil grin.

"Jim Ellison, I watched you collect evidence. You undercutted my fingerprinting by dusting the prints then let me collect them. You didn't go at me with a jackhammer. You've been acting strangely for months and I tried not to notice it. Have you been going to finishing school at night?"

"I'm a transsexual, not a drag queen." Jim put his hand on his chest above his bosom.

"It would be funny if Jim Ellison was wearing a dress and looked like a bozo, but you go in a glass covered house, don't get glass on yourself or your clothes and manage to hold yourself like a lady. I feel like I entered a bad episode of The Twilight Zone."

"I'm glad you find it amusing." Jim smiled at her.

"James Ellison, do you expect me to believe that you woke up one morning and decided that you wanted to live the rest of your life as a woman?"

"It wasn't an overnight decision." Actually, he had decided it at lunch, but that was beside the point. He needed to play the game. He didn't want television reporters and press agents surrounding him. Cassie, hopefully, would fall for psycho-babble. "Heather says that men who act as macho as I did are hiding something. It hasn't been easy for me to hold my head up high in front of my co-workers."

After helping in forensics, Jim went over the statement with Megan. The same robbers committed another home invasion two blocks away. From the descriptions and physical evidence they were probably high school boys. Juvie and no jail time. Jim, finally, sat at his desk and put his feet up. He had read in one of his pregnancy books, not to take his shoes off because his feet would swell and he wouldn't be able to get his shoes back on. At least, he bought a pair of comfortable loafers. Pregnant women did not climb ladders or wear high heel shoes.

The baby's heartbeat was reassuring but he couldn't let himself zone on it. He needed to find out who those boys were and stop them from striking, again. That was Cassie and the other people in forensics problem. If he wanted Cassie to stop playing cop, he would have to stop playing forensic scientist or do it in a less overbearing way.

"Ellison," said Rafe.

"Yes." Jim sat up in his chair. "Get all your stupid remarks out of your system. We need to work together."

Rafe swallowed by the spit forming in his mouth. "Ellison, you're the last person I expected to see in a dress, not that you don't have the legs for it."

"I'm glad you appreciate the legs. Conner thought I'd look good in a middle length skirt. I'm not all that fond of pantyhose. It's like being wrapped in plastic." Jim got up from his chair, grabbed his purse and walked to the women's room. He sat on the seat in the lounge to remove his stockings. Why did women's rooms have lounges and men's rooms didn't? Not that the single chair in the police station women's room counted as a lounge. He put the pantyhose in his purse. Better, he wasn't leftover chicken. After Jim got back to his desk, he rubbed his lower thighs and calves. "My legs can breath, again. Medieval torture device."

Rafe said, "Do you have to touch your legs like that?"

"Am I turning you on?" Jim lowered his eyelids and glanced in Rafe's direction. Obviously, Rafe didn't get the Quantum Leap reference. Sam Beckett called stockings and high heel shoes medieval torture devices in an episode that Sam Beckett leaped into a woman. Horrible part was that Jim hadn't leaped into a pregnant woman's body; all the morning sickness belonged to him.

"Why?" asked Rafe.

"Mid-life crisis," said Jim. "I'm hitting forty next year. Why not go on female hormones and mess up my body chemistry?"

"No bad back," said Rafe.

"Hernia. No bad back. I figured if I stopped exercising you boobs wouldn't notice my female curves."

Rafe briefly glanced at Ellison's chest.

"Boobs was a bad word choice," said Jim. "Yes, Rafe. They're real, no stuffing or silicon."

Rafe went to his desk. Jim closed the file he was working on and went over to Rafe's desk.

Jim said, "If I didn't want men to notice them, I wouldn't have on a low-cut dress. Enjoy the view. I probably won't wear this dress again until I need to go to court."

"You're going to wear a dress in court?" asked Rafe.

"Matthews from Narcotics went from being Hank to Heather overnight. My good wig will arrive before I need to go to court," Jim explained.

"Good wig?"

"I could style my hair or wear a scarf, but right now I'm more comfortable with a wig."

Joel came over.

Henri whispered to Rafe, "When I whistled at her this morning, I didn't know it was Ellison. He moves like he has been wearing dresses all his life. When was Jim replaced female android replicate?"

"I'm in shock myself," Rafe whispered back. "I think it was three or four months ago, but I'm not sure of the date."

"Joel, you can gawk, too," said Jim. And, yes I can hear you.

Joel said through the laughter. "Jimmy, you aren't a bad looking for a big girl."

"Jamie," said Jim. "Jamie Ellison." Listen to the beautiful baby and ignore the idiots, remembering the mantras Blair taught him. Blair tended to be things like "I'm relaxed. I'm calm." His hand slipped down to his lower abdomen. That baby was kicking again. Devin Sandburg had a nice sound to it. He would ask Blair what he thought of the name.

Devin moved inside him. He could tell by forming a mental picture based on the waves in the amniotic fluid that she was sucking her thumb. She was doing well under protective layers of fat. It wasn't the walls of a uterus, but Jim was well aware that this was an entopic pregnancy and quote not viable.

Megan tapped his shoulder. "Cassie has some leads for us to chase down. No daydreaming. We have crooks to stop."

Chapter 7

After mall called about the wig, Jim was shown how to adjust it. He returned to work. The boys were caught and in their parents' custody awaiting a hearing. So much for justice. Jim called his father about visiting. "Dad, Blair and I have some news we have to discuss in person."

"Sure, come over for Sunday dinner," William Ellison said.

"We could go out for dinner," Jim suggested.

"Nonsense. Sally loves to cook," William said.

Jim didn't want to deprive Sally of one of the little joys in life. Sunday was only a day away. He didn't know what he would wear. Monday, he had an ultra-sound. Everyone would have real proof that James Ellison was pregnant. He could cancel the ultra-sound. Bianca said that no one would know. Besides, they were doing it out of town; what could go wrong? Blair would meet him there. With Blair there, most likely they would get held up or kidnapped.

Blair looked at Jim in his sweats lying on the sofa Sunday afternoon. "You're going dressed like that."

"I'll put on a blouse and jeans," Jim said. "And my new wig."

"You're father will be wearing a three piece suit."

"His problem. I'm not dressing up. You're not wearing your one suit to impress my dad."

"Lately, Jim, don't know what to say to you?"

"I'm still me. Conner is teasing me about how feminine I am."

"You are. Your father is going to freak."

"It was bad enough that I answered the phone with a higher pitched voice and had to lower it. Chief, am I really that woman that I see in the mirror?"

"Reality is tricky question. Philosophers have argued the nature of reality since the beginning of time. Who do you feel you are?"

"I don't know. My life is moving too fast and I don't find the time to catch up. I sit at my desk many times mesmerized by the life that is growing inside me. It's a shame that not all pregnant women are sentinels. I can easily zone on the wonder of it all."

"So you see yourself as a woman."

"I suppose. It's hard to see myself as a man when I feel the baby inside me every second of the day. Everyone else that I know that is pregnant is female what other points of reference do I have?"

"Do you like what you see in the mirror?" Blair sat down next to him on the sofa and put his hand on Jim's shoulder.

"Yeah. I know I'm not beautiful, but I really like all that is happening to me. I wasn't making a perverse joke when I tell you that I find this all amazing and exciting. Do you like what you see?"

"I'm getting used to it. Jamie, I want to share your joy, but I fear for your life."

"Chief, many women risk their lives to have a baby."

"But you're not a woman."

"At this moment, that's debatable. Heather considers herself a woman and I have more curves than she does. Since I'm empathic due to my senses, I can adjust my behavior for the situation. I behave more lady-like than most ladies."

"That takes us back to the original question. What is real?" Blair stroked Jim's cheek.

"It's a matter of perception. The guys at the station were making fun of me gaining weight and eating bad pizza and two days later, they're whistling at my legs and gawking at my breasts." The guys at the station had seen the changes in Jim's behavior or that he had curves now where he used to have a hard masculine body, but as long as he dressed as a man they could pretend that they didn't see it. They knew Jim was a sentinel after the dissertation fiasco and wouldn't talk about Jim's body or behavior changing anywhere Jim could have the remote possibility of overhearing.

"You have nice legs and breasts," Blair teased.

Jim kissed Blair. "Thank you for finally noticing. You hate what I have done to my body."

"No, Jamie. I love that you love me so much that you want my baby and you're willing to risk your life for it. I love your devotion to your morals. It's easy to say you're pro-life, but it's another matter to risk your life for an unborn child." Blair wrapped his arms around Jim and kissed him deeply.

When they arrived at Mr. Ellison's house, Sally opened the door. "Blair, Jimmy, come in."

Jim hugged Sally. "It's good to see you."

"You're gaining a bit of weight," Sally remarked.

"Blair has the diet police after me," said Jim.

William joined Jim and Blair in the parlor. "Jimmy, I don't find this funny."

"I'm wearing a sweater and jeans and my hair is shorter than Blair's." Jim was wearing an expensive wig, but Daddy didn't need to know that. He also wanted to see if his father would notice since the wig matched his natural hair color. Jim crossed his legs in a lady-life fashion. It was the first time that Jim saw his father since he started hormones and made a deliberate change in his behavior.

"I don't know what kind of point you're trying to make," William said.

"None. I'm not playing a game." Jim pitched his voice the same as he did at work and put his hand on his chin. He needed to shave better he said to himself as he felt a few hairs.

"Your face?"

"A close shave and moisturizer," Jim said. "I'm not wearing make-up."

"Jimmy, you look like a woman." William stated the obvious.

"I'm four months pregnant. If you put your head against my belly, you can hear her heartbeat." Jim crossed his hands in his lap.

"Sandburg, what do you have to do with this?"

"A friend of mine is doing illegal fertility research and your Jimmy took a moral stand against abortion," Blair said.

"You expect me to believe that you're pregnant," William snickered.

"Dad, would you like to come to the hospital for the ultra-sound?" Blair asked. "I could go to the next one."

"Listen to her heartbeat yourself," Jim said. "I've been hearing it since her heart started beating. I couldn't stop a beating heart. Daddy, I'd like you to be there tomorrow."

"Tell me that you're joking." William walked to the bar and made himself a martini. "Blair, would you like something to drink?"

"Gin and tonic. Jamie, you can have one if you want? It isn't likely that one drink will harm the baby," Blair said.

"I rather have a club soda."

William watched Jim walk from the parlor to the dining room holding his soda. "You move like a woman."

"Having hips does that to a person." Jim took his father's hand and placed it over the baby. "She just gave me a good one. She's going to be a football player like her mommy."

"Her mommy?" William didn't move his hand.

"I'm not her bio-mom. Dr. Hogan used a donated egg."

"And the sperm is donated, too?" asked William. "This child is no more related to you than an adopted child."

Blair spoke softly. "I donated the sperm. We were planning on destroying all the embryos when I gave my sperm. Who knew Jamie would insist on carrying my child to term?"

"It's a child now," said Jim triumphantly.

William felt something move. "That's a baby. My Jimmy is pregnant. I need another drink." William downed his martini and made another one. "So are you going to make an honest woman out of her?"

"Dad, we can't get married. I'm on hormones; I haven't had sexual reassignment surgery. Legally, I'm a man."

"You're pregnant. That makes you a woman." William gagged on his drink.

"You can't argue with his logic." Blair got on one knee. "Jamie, will you marry me?"

"Yes." Jim hugged and kissed him. "You need to eat more. You feel so small when I hold you."

"They work me to death at the university," Blair said.

"I'm male on my ID. By the time, we argued the issue in court, I'll not longer be pregnant."

"No. You go there with positive proof of pregnancy the problem will be fixed in 2 hours tops, and they'll apologize for taking so long to do it," William said.

"I went to public school. I spent four years in college. I was in the military for God's sake. There is no way I didn't know my sex." Jim started laughing.

"The vital statistic people are clueless morons." William downed his third martini.

"We'll go to courthouse in two weeks," Blair said. "I'll buy you a ring tomorrow."

"Dad, you know law. If I return to being a man, do I lose all my rights to her?" Jim asked.

"You're the mother as long as no one challenges you," Blair said.

"It's a donor egg; the donor was given fertility drugs, her eggs were harvested, she was paid and sent on her way," Jim said.

"Do you know anything about her?" William asked.

"Blonde, thirty at the time of conception, 5' 8". She has blue eyes. We figured that was important since we both have blue eyes. She has to be in good health. They give you a physical and make you fill out forms about your medical history. She knows all her grandparents and they're still alive. That is about it," Blair said.

"I had to practically sit on Bianca for that much," Jim said.

"Jimmy, talk to a lawyer. You should have seen a lawyer before doing this," William said.

"If I saw a lawyer, I would have never done this." Jim sighed. "Excuse me. I have to use the powder room." Jim stretched his legs a moment before heading to the bathroom.

William was saying grace as Jim entered the dining room. Jim's father hadn't said grace since Jim and Stevie were children. "In the name of the Father, the Son and Holy Ghost. Amen."

"Amen," Jim repeated, sat down in his chair and reached for the dressing for the salad.

"Watch the calories. The doctor says that the little mother needs to watch her weight?" Blair teased.

"Little. This little woman should sit on you." Jim put the dressing on the salad.

"Your doctor doesn't want you to gain more than a pound a month until the seventh month," Blair said.

"My doctor isn't having the baby," Jim said. "I've always kept my weight under control by exercise and she tells me I can't do weight bearing activities."

"This isn't dinner talk," Blair said.

"You brought it up," Jim said.

Sally said, "Let's enjoy the meal." Sally had served the pie. She continued. "I don't think Jimmy's weight is an issue. I had three Cesareans and I was never a petite woman. Mr. Sandburg, you have no right to frighten her." Sally patted Jim's hand. "Dear, have another slice of pie. Those doctors like to frighten larger women. Pay it no mind. Do you feel healthy?"

"Fantastic. I'm no longer on hormones so my moody swings have ended," Jim said.

"What do you mean that you're no longer on hormones?" William asked spitting out his pie onto his napkin.

"The baby makes her own. All I'm taking is medicine to keep the placenta in place and to prevent my body from thinking the baby is foreign matter."

"You aren't on hormones." William repeated like he couldn't believe it.

"No. I stopped taking them this week. The baby is making enough on her own to maintain the pregnancy," Jim said.

Blair leaned into Jim's arms of the sofa after the meal. "Honey, I worry about you. The other volunteer willing to go to term was only twenty-four. She nearly died during the fifth month. You haven't entered your fifth month."

"She insisted on meeting me. She wanted to talk me out of it. She's fragile. I have abdominal muscles like nobody's business. I can do over a hundred sit-ups. I can hold a baby in a place," Jim said.

"She's probably right. Smaller women have more trouble with birthing babies," Sally said.

"Bianca will have to cut through my fat. I'm not starving the next five months."

"Just eat eight servings of fruit and vegetables before eating junk food," Blair suggested as he cuddled Jim. "The American Heart Association recommends that."

Jim pulled Blair's head into his bosom. "I'll eat healthy food first. Bianca won't give me a prescription for prenatal vitamins."

Sally brought out coffee. "I agree with that. Healthy food is better for you than vitamin pills. Jimmy, you're really pregnant."

"If you listen, you can hear her heartbeat. I spoke to Carolyn about having children and she wanted to wait. Blair and I never spoke about it. I don't think I would be in this condition if I thought it through," Jim admitted. Jim listened to his food digested and filtered the sounds of his body until he heard the flutter of his baby's heart. Jim held Blair close to him.

Blair sat up. "It isn't that your breast doesn't feel nice, but I would like to drink my coffee."

"You didn't think it through," William said.

"I figured that female hormones would do nothing to super macho James Ellison. We have all seen transsexuals that still look like men. Now, I look in the mirror and see a large woman and I'm not even on hormones," Jim stated.

Sally laughed, "Do you like being pregnant?"

"I do. I like the changes in my body. I like feeling her move inside me. Blair doesn't seem to understand."

"He's a man."

"So was I. Sally, did you like being pregnant?"

"I loved feeling my babies grow inside me. I didn't show. Many fat women don't gain weight while pregnant."

"Why did you need C-sections?" Jim walked over to the kitchen with Sally.

"My first was born that way. He was transverse and the doctor couldn't turn him. The rest had to be Cesarean."

"Sally, do you think I'm crazy?"

"Someone has to be the first."

"If I can hold an entopic pregnancy, other women without a womb or a misshapen one will be able to have children. This is important research."

"I'm sure that you'll make many women happy."

"By carrying this child full-term, other women will know that the risk is worth taking."

"How long do you think it will take to have the drug on the market?"

"I don't know. The university is paying all my maternity expenses outside of clothes and food. Although the doctor was against me going full-term, she is praying that I'm successful."

Sally kissed Jim's cheek. "I'm not going to tell you that you're pretty."

"I usually wear make-up."

"What will happen after the baby is born?"

"I don't know. I'm just trying to get through next five months. I plan to take off the next two years or more to raise her. I have a few rental properties and Blair is a teacher. We'll manage. Sally, you don't risk your life to have a baby so you can put her in daycare. I want to go back to police work, but who knows what tomorrow brings."

"You're doing very well. Let Blair spoil you from time-to-time. I didn't let my husband do the little things for me and I regretted it."

Jim met Heather after William left him at the hospital. "So do you have baby pictures," Heather asked hugging Jim in the hospital parking lot.

"We can go to a restaurant and look at them," Jim said. "Are you going to talk to Bianca if I have a healthy daughter?"

"Craig is against it. He's worried he'll lose me."

"I thought you said that Craig didn't want to date you because he always wanted to have children," Jim said taking her hand. "We can walk to a deli near the hospital or drive to a nicer restaurant."

"I love this Chinese buffet. They don't a great lunch buffet. Don't go there for dinner," Heather said.

"I'll follow you there. We can talk at the restaurant," Jim said.

Heather hugged Jim fiercely at the restaurant. "I can't believe it." She looked at the ultra-sound pictures. "How did it go?"

"I wanted to pee the whole time. They made me drink a quart of water before and they made me wait an hour. My father and I stared at each other in the hospital hallway. When he saw the baby on the screen, he squeezed my hand and his legs nearly went out from under him. I thought he was going to have a stroke on the spot."

"So did your father say anything?" Heather asked.

"Not much. He said 'Jimmy' over and over again," Jim said. "Then, I said, 'Yes, Dad,' to reassure him. It was a weird situation. Maybe I shouldn't have taken him. Bianca wouldn't let a technician in the room, which was good considering my prostate gland showed up on one of the negatives. She took all negatives back to the University so there wouldn't be a leak to the media."

"Jamie, you're holding up very well."

"I don't feel that way. The men at the office treat me like persona non gratis. Simon put me on light duty. I have a note from the doctor that I have a hernia. I couldn't admit to police department that I'm the first male-female transsexual to be pregnant. Heather, I'm hogging the conversation again."

"You need to talk," Heather said.

The hostess said, "Ladies, I have a table for you. The buffet is all you can eat. A waitress will be at your table for your drink order."

"Thank you," Heather said as she sat down.

Jim went to the buffet and loaded up on salad. "Heather, I feel like I'm talking your ear off."

"I don't mind. Jamie, you called yourself transsexual."

"My father nearly put a shotgun to Blair's head to marry me. Blair says he's buying a ring today. It feels like life is going too fast and I have no control."

"Do you love Blair?"

"More than anything. He means the world to me."

"So are you going to marry him?"

"Yes. My father says just to show up pregnant at the courthouse and judge will marry us the same day. Waiting periods are waived all the time and, if it isn't, we'll come back in forty-eight hours." Jim started eating. "Get some food."

"You're the one eating for two." Heather returned with her plate piled high with food. "I remembered when I first started taking hormones. I was afraid to eat. I heard that estrogen makes you fat and I was afraid I would blow up like a balloon. My doctor told me that was nonsense and to eat like I always had."

"I blew up because I stopped exercising. Once I have the baby, I'll go back to the gym. I'll have my old body back in no time. Have you talked about me with Craig?"

"Some. He thinks it isn't worth the risk. He might change his mind when he sees your baby."

"You know everything about me. Tell me about Craig."

"He's a stockbroker. He's a few years older than me. He treats me like a princess. There isn't much to say."

"Are you going to get married?"

"He hasn't asked. He feels strange about knowing that I was a man."

Jim went up the buffet and got more food. "You must have a picture."

Heather handed Jim a picture of a tall, blond man of medium build.

"He's gorgeous. I'm happy for you. Heather, I had this epiphany at the mall." Jim handed her back the photograph.

"When you were crying?" Heather asked.

"I really saw myself. I can't go back to who I was. My father knew when he insisted that Blair marry me. I wonder if I'm kidding myself about returning to the police force one day."

"Why?"

"Life has the tendency to get in the way. Blair is working on a new dissertation under another PhD. Rainier is piling it higher and deeper, but he's a trooper. He tries to smile although he's doing other people's shit work to get his PhD. So did the men at the station treat you like shit when you started cross-dressing?"

"They act like looking at you will make their dicks fall off. You have to show them that you're bigger than them. Telling people that I always felt like a woman is cliché. I've told you this all before. You have to do what you feel is right for you. I was on hormones two years before I could afford surgery."

"I intend to stay as I am after the baby is born. I think I messed up my body enough for one lifetime. I know why you did what you did, but that isn't the choice for me." Jim was going to relearn how to act like a man once he had the baby. He was only acting like a woman so people would see a fat transsexual, not a pregnant man. He told Heather that why did she talk to him like he was a transsexual, not a pregnant man not wanting a hundred cameras on him, watching his every move. Jim would wean his body from female hormones as soon as baby was born and hoped to have his buff, masculine body back a month or two later.

"Jamie, you're a very brave woman. I don't think I would have your courage."

"Someone has to be first." Jim took another bite of food then put his hand over his belly to feel the baby move. Sally had told him that last night.

Chapter 8

Jim brought an off-white maternity dress at the bridal shop. The lady fitted him while he wore underwear and a slip. "You're a big girl."

"I went on fertility medicine to get pregnant and gave fifteen pounds the two months prior to getting pregnant," Jim said. "The doctor includes those fifteen pounds in my pregnancy weight gain. I think she says it just to bug me."

"How far along are you?"

"Five months," Jim said. "My honey and I have been living together for almost five years. Now, that he doesn't want our baby born without us having a marriage license. I don't see the point myself."

"I think it's romantic," the lady fitting his dress said. "Are you having a big wedding?"

"Five months pregnant and after living with him for five years, you must be kidding. We're going to Vegas and go to one of those wedding chapels." Jim and Blair couldn't marry locally because everyone in the court system knew Detective James Ellison.

"Have a good time," the lady said. "Your dress should be done in two days. Call first."

"I will." After the woman finished fitting the wedding dress to him, Jim returned to wearing the dress that he wore to the bridal shop.

Jim met Blair at Hargrove Hall. "Honey, would you like to join me for a late lunch?"

"I have office hours." Blair briefly kissed Jim then ran to his office.

Jim was glad for flats, but running after Blair in a dress wasn't as easy as he thought. He never knew how could such a small man run so fast carrying close to fifty pounds of books. Jim finally reached Blair's office. "I ordered a dress. I want our wedding video taped so Devin will see that her father married her mother."

"Jamie, are you going to return being that arrogant asshole that I fell in love with?" Blair asked as he kicked off his shoes in his little office.

"I don't know." Jim sat down like any other woman wearing a knee-length dress. This was the fifth or sixth time that Jim wore a dress and he had watched women since the first time so he would know how to sit down in one. Jim was amazed how effortless it was for him to act feminine. He expected it to become habit, but at the same time, it was frightening to see how a new personality seemed to form in the place of the old one. "I want my hard body back but I don't know how much of my personality will change. I like Jamie more than I liked old James Ellison."

"She's easier to live with." Blair teased. "This isn't an act."

"I learned new behaviors. This isn't an act to fool a few crooks when I'm undercover. I don't become a different person when I go home at night."

"I have noticed that. You can admit that you're confused."

"I'm not." Jim didn't feel confused, sitting in Blair's office in a maternity dress, pantyhose and size thirteen patented 'leather' shoes. Jim folded his hands over his size 40B chest. Jim took out his mirror from his purse and checked to see if his wig was on properly. After seeing that the wig was straight, he reapplied his make-up. He moved his legs a little then crossed his legs.

"Do you know how feminine you appear?" Blair asked.

"I'm good at picking up other people's emotions. When I'm not around people that know me, all people see is a large woman. Blair, it's necessary. It wouldn't be good for me or the baby to be dodging the press."

"Jim, it doesn't look like an act. You look completely a home dressed as a woman."

"Chief, I don't want to look like a drag queen." Jim had this conversation with Blair before. He needed to be convincing as a woman. A transsexual believed that they were born the wrong sex and would act appropriately. He knew that it upset Blair to see his blessed protector in a dress and stockings. Jim couldn't be convincing as a woman unless he did feminine behaviors 24/7.

"Jamie, you're so convincing as a woman that people will be surprised when you return to dressing like a man."

"So." Jim puckered his lips and applied lipstick. Jim walked to the lady's room. He saw the tall, heavy woman in an expensive maternity dress. The blue and black dress was styled so well that no one could see it was a maternity dress, making it appropriate at court. He couldn't let anyone see that he had a bun in the oven.

Jim resigned from his job in his seventh month of pregnancy. Since the university was covering the pregnancy and childbirth, Mrs. Sandburg didn't have go on Professor Sandburg's insurance. Once Devin was born, she would be covered. Jim wasn't thrilled to be confined to bed rest, but it was for little Devin. Also his list of books on childcare was growing and he could use the reading time.

Blair said he had something special planned for today. Didn't he know you couldn't keep secrets from sentinels? Blair and Simon had placed the crib Jim had been eyeing in Blair's old room. Blair kissed Jim. "The baby is now past the danger zone. You can deliver anytime. The longer you can maintain toward thirty-eight weeks the better."

Simon said, "Blair says you need to stay home to hatch."

"I won't hatch. I'll have to be cracked open to get the baby out. No birth canal," Jim explained. "Dr. Hogan fears that the placenta will detach and kill me."

"That's why she wants Jamie on bed rest," said Blair. "I've a few errands to run. Anything you want for the store."

"Pickles and ice cream," said Jim.

"You're teasing," said Simon.

"I had to say that once." Jim sat in his therapeutic chair and started reading "Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care - Revised and Updated 7th Edition". Blair said Jim could sit in the chair because it supported his back and had message. It was probably better for him than lying in a bed all the time.

Blair kissed Jim good-bye and left with Simon. A few hours later, Blair and Megan returned with a cake with a picture of a stork and baby booties. Blair and Megan put up pink and blue streamers and put out a couple wrapped presents and added a stroller, mobile and baby blankets to the crib. Blair whispered to Megan. "Devin will survive from this point forward. However, the quicker the baby is out of Jamie the better I'll sleep at night."

Jim yelled, "I heard that!"

Heather arrived a few minutes later and kissed Jim's cheek. "Two guests isn't much of a baby shower, but you wanted no one to know about your pregnancy."

When Jim hugged Heather, his belly bumped into her. "Bianca and Sally will be arriving."

"With only two guests and your husband, we can't do party games. Heather and I don't have children, so we can't tell you horror stories about late night feedings and diaper rash," Megan said. "It's your party. What do you want to do?"

"Play poker?" said Blair.

"It's not your party, besides you'll walk off with all the winnings," said Jim.

"What is mine is yours," said Blair.

"I don't want your pretzels or peanuts," said Jim.

"Rummy then," Megan suggested.

Jim got up to get the cards. "Sit," said Heather. "You're the guest of honor. Let Mr. Sandburg get the cards."

Sally and someone else were in the hallway. The other person was wearing the same perfume that Cassie wore the last day Jim worked. That perfume was fairly popular, so that proved nothing. When the doorbell rang, Blair insisted on getting it.

Cassie put her foot in the door while Blair invited Sally in. Sally put down her gift and ice cream to hug Jim. Although Blair was blocking the doorway, Cassie could see the pink and blue streamers and the cake. "This is a private party," explained Blair.

Megan said, "Let her in. Ms. Wells can keep a secret. Crocodile Dundee has nothing on me."

Cassie came in and sat down. "Megan, when is the blessed event?"

"What the fuck are you talking about?" asked Megan.

"Sally is over sixty and no one else in this room, appearances aside, is biologically female. The stroller, the cake, the presents," said Cassie. "I'm a forensic scientist. I can spot baby shower."

"The guest isn't here, yet," said Blair.

"Conner is awful defensive." Cassie lowered her voice to nearly a whisper. "And she has been very secretive lately."

Jim turned up the massage feature of therapeutic chair. The baby was lying on his intestines. He took back what he said about football player; this kid would play soccer. "Cassie, I'm planning to go to school to take forensics. I've been ragging you for playing cop when I was doing your job."

"You think apologize and it's all better," Cassie exclaimed. "This is a joke. You're the most woman-hating SOB I know and now you are woman. You don't even like women."

"I don't hate women," Jim said. "I don't understand them." Jim could read people. He learned the skill for lie detection, but over the years it over-generalized to empathy. Many women appeared to be happy and sad or angry and excited at the same time. Simon would pretend to be happy when he was really angry, but lots of women appeared to be feeling conflicting emotions. Then again, he has been feeling that way a lot lately.

"Leave Mrs. Sandburg alone," said Sally. "She has a lot of her plate right now."

"Mrs. Sandburg." Cassie stamped her feet and started wheezing.

Blair sat her down on the sofa and took her inhaler from her purse. "Jamie and I are married."

Cassie used her inhaler and took some calming breaths. "Two men can't get married."

"Jamie is seven months pregnant," said Blair. "No minister is going to question her sex."

Jim used the lift feature of the chair (It was better than asking for help or fighting his center of gravity to get up.) and walked over to Cassie. Placing a hand on his belly, he said, "She's doing flips in there. She just punched me."

Cassie kept her hand still a moment. "Oh my God."

"Megan said the same thing when she heard the baby's heartbeat," said Jim. "It's pretty awe-inspiring. I can feel her move for hours. She's my little miracle."

"Why?"

"Dr. Hogan was doing research on achieving and maintaining pregnancy without a womb and I wanted to do it out of anger at first, but the more I thought about it, the more I wanted Blair's baby," said Jim. "I can't believe Jim Ellison, macho jerk, is this gushing pregnant lady."

"This you take from us," Cassie shouted.

Jim put his hand on his back. "You could get pregnant your next cycle. I'm taking nothing from you."

Cassie shouted, "Pregnancy is an uniquely female experience."

"Granted," Jim said returning to his therapeutic chair. "I'm not stealing anything. I hope my part in this research will allow more women to experience pregnancy."

Bianca finally arrived at party and hugged Jim. "Another patient needed me," she explained. "Jamie, how you feeling?"

"Large," said Jim. "I feel like I'm carrying a ton of bricks around. Are you sure the baby only weight five pounds?"

"The amniotic fluid, the additional breast tissue, the fat protecting the baby," said Bianca. "That's at least twelve more pounds. So this is the money stealing wonder?"

"I figured I needed it," said Jim. "Men aren't designed for babies."

"You volunteered."

"Dr. Bianca Hogan, this is Cassie Wells, Megan Conner, and Heather Matthews," Jim said. "I never imagined how much I love what is happening to me. I would never regret this experience if I live to be two hundred. So I'm asking the university to afford me a little comfort. If I succeed in this, many women will reap the benefit."

"I put the paperwork through to get you the chair," Bianca said.

Cassie shook Bianca's hand. "You're the doctor? This is your fault."

"I think Jamie is an improvement over the old Jim Ellison," said Megan. "Someone should have implanted an embryo in Jimbo years ago."

"I agree," said Heather. "I can't believe Jamie and Jim are the same person."

"Wait a second," Jim shouted.

"Jamie," said Blair. "Part of baby and bridal shower are insulting the guest of honor."

Megan laughed. "Celebrity roasts. Honey, you have to sit back and take it. You're the world's first pregnant man. When this gets out, you'll be quite the celebrity."

"I'm legally female." Jim showed his ring. "Sadie, sadie, married lady."

"Jamie is the first pregnant male-to-female transsexual," said Heather. "Get the press release right."

Jim would get them all back later, besides he wouldn't hit a lady, not that Megan was a lady and Heather was only using his own words against him. He drank a sip of water.

"I was hoping you would return to your normal hostile self afterwards," said Bianca. "It would make better press."

"I'm going to be mother," said Jim. "That changes a person."

"Let's get to the cake," said Blair.

"Dr. Hogan?" asked Jim.

"Enjoy," said Bianca. "I'm impressed with your slow steady weight gain."

Blair cut the cake and gave Jim the first slice. "Mrs. Blair Sandburg."

"Thank you, Mr. Blair Sandburg." Jim gave Blair a quick kiss.

Chapter 9

The due date came and Bianca scheduled the C-section. Bianca had her nurse/anesthesiologist give Jim a spinal because she didn't want anyone other than her people in the delivery room. Bianca delivered Devin. The baby was taken away by the pediatrician to be washed, weighed and measured.

Blair kissed Jim. "You did great."

"I did nothing. I didn't even get to see anything. What's the deal with the screen?"

"Many women don't want to see their insides cut open. It's all cleaned up now. All you will have left is a bikini scar."

After Jim was brought to a single room in maternity, he put on his sweatpants and sweatshirt on. Blair hugged him. "We have a daughter."

"You can have my child the next time," teased Jim.

"No way, man," said Blair.

The nurse rolled in the portable crib with the baby. "She's been weighed, washed and tested. She's yours. You change your mind about rooming in; bring her to the nursery. To pick up the baby, we need to match bracelets." On the crib was Baby Girl Sandburg 8lb 12 oz 21 inches.

After the nurse left, Jim looked at the bracelet on his wrist. "James J. Sandburg," and the other one that said, "Baby Girl Sandburg." When Devin cried, Blair gave her a bottle and sat near Jim on the bed. Jim was tired and wasn't looking forward to the killer headache that usually followed a spinal. His belly was flat and Devin's heartbeat was slower and didn't echo in his bones. "Blair, I want to hold her."

"You held her for nine months," said Blair. "It's my turn."

Jim stuck out his tongue. "You can change her diaper."

Blair handed Jim the baby. "Hold her head."

"I know how to hold her. I'm her mother. Make yourself useful and give me the bottle."

Blair gave Jim the bottle. "Gentle."

Jim rested the baby against his chest and continued to bottle feed her. He had never seen anyone more beautiful, expect possibly for her father. Little Devin had Blair's nose, cheeks and chin. Her hair was a lighter brown that Blair's because her genetic mother was a natural blonde. She had ten toes and ten fingers. Everything about her was perfect.

Naomi visited two hours later. "Where's my grandbaby?"

Jim said, "Hi, Naomi. She's sleeping on my chest."

Blair took the baby from Jim. "Devin. Grandmom."

The baby cried in Naomi's arm, then she handed the baby to Jim. "I think she needs her mother."

"Blair, get me a bottle from the crib." Jim sat up.

"Aren't you going to nurse her?" asked Naomi.

"Blair, get me a bottle," Jim said loudly.

"Breastmilk is best," Naomi said.

"No fucking way." Jim got up to get a bottle from under the portable crib then sat on the side of the hospital bed. After a few sips, Jim burped Devin on his shoulder tapping her lightly. Jim put her back into his arm and gave her more of the bottle. "It feels strange not hearing her inside me. Her heartbeat was constantly there. I was always aware of her."

"I'm sure you'll be a great mother," Naomi said. "So is this a new twist to being a sentinel."

"No. Other than I'm more sensitive to drugs than other people." Jim showed Naomi his ring. "I'm Mrs. Blair Sandburg. That makes you my mother-in-law."

"It's legal?" Naomi asked.

"Only an idiot would argue a pregnant woman's sex," Blair said.

"See." Jim should her his wristband.

"James J. Sandburg," she said.

"As far as the hospital is concerned, I'm female unless you want a media circus on your hands," Jim said.

"I'll remember that. Does your father know?" Naomi asked.

"He suggested that we get married," Jim said.

"Suggested? He practically held a shotgun to me," Blair said.

"Put her on your breast," Naomi urged.

"Once." Jim pulled off his sweatshirt. "Honey, get me a button down shirt." Jim loosened a nipple from his bra.

"I think you have more than I do," Naomi teased.

"You better be joking." Jim put the blouse on that Blair handed him.

"Jamie, it isn't going to go away." Naomi kissed his forehead. "You'll need a double mastectomy to look the way you did."

"Men get some breast development when they're too fat. I can wear a shirt at the pool or gym." Jim put the baby on the breast. She started to suck. Jim smiled. The sensation was incredible. "It feels great."

"The best sensation in the world," Naomi said. "Better than sex."

"I can feel it," Jim said.

"It'll feel better once you have let down and your milk comes in," Naomi explained. "Are you sure about your resignation?"

"It stands. Devin is my only child. I can't leave her in the hands of babysitters."

Blair got a call on his cell phone. "It's Rafe," to Jim. "Do you want to take it?"

Naomi said, "I need to do some shopping for my grandbaby."

Blair handed the phone to Jim and kissed his mother good-bye.

"Rafe, I'm fine. Never felt better," said Jim into the cell phone.

"Where are you?" Rafe said.

"None of your business. I'm not talking to you on the cell phone." Jim gave Blair the phone. "Talk to Blair."

Blair took the phone into the hallway. "Jim resigned two months ago. Jim has a hernia and can't work anymore. An old girlfriend of mine left us a baby. We've rather busy."

"As long as, Jim didn't sneak off to have his balls cut off," said Rafe. "It's like living with Invasion of the Body Snatchers."

"Innocence dependent infants can move people more than ranting, nagging adults," explained Blair. "I had a paternity test. The child is mine. I'm sure Jim will see sense. He makes one ugly woman." Blair made his good-byes and hung up the phone.

Mr. Sandburg, I heard you. You get to wash her diapers. You're the one who wants cloth diapers. Jim heard Devin's heartbeat near his breast. She was so soft and beautiful. Jim could see Blair's features in the child's face.

Naomi returned with a store brought bag containing a layette and two 6 months size baby outfits. "You call me and tell me to go this hospital because your wife has an appointment to have a baby in two days. You didn't even tell me that you were married."

"Mother, I couldn't tell you anything on the phone," Blair said.

Bianca came in and looked at the staples. "Jamie, you're staying at the hospital for a week. Get some rest."

"I plan to nurse at least for a couple of weeks," Jim said.

"We'll wean you off the hormones as planned. Milk production is a feedback system. As long the baby sucks hard enough for let down, you'll continue to produce milk." Bianca rolled up his pants. They had agreed that Jim would go on female hormones for six weeks. New mothers that had hysterectomies were prone to postpartum depression or even psychosis. Normal drops in hormone levels caused depression in many women. Bianca felt a slow return to Jim's hormone normal levels would be best.

"I'm not going to shed the breasts or hips," Jim said.

"Not without surgery," Bianca said. "They'll reduce in size. You should end up with a little loose skin. Jamie, you really didn't expect to get your figure back after having a baby."

Jim said, "I hope to join a gym in a few months. I have a few dumbbells to use in the house and a good exercise book."

After Bianca left, Naomi took pictures of Jim nursing the baby. "Is it Baby Sandburg?" whispered Naomi.

"Who else would she be?" Blair teased.

"Genetically?" Naomi kept her voice low.

"I can hear you no matter how soft you whisper." Jim gave her a stern glance. "Mom, Blair gave Dr. Hogan the sperm sample. He's the unemployed TA that needed cash. I'm not that free with my sperm."

Naomi held the baby in her arm after Jim nursed her. "She's really my grandchild."

"Mom, it shouldn't matter. I love her because Jamie carried her," Blair said. "Not because she's genetic related."

Megan came into the room. "Too many people will know; it's going to be a media circus." Megan looked over the baby sleeping in the portal crib. "Should I stay until she wakes? I know you blokes are exhausted."

"It's up to you," said Blair. "Visit the cafeteria and come back. You shouldn't drive all this distance for a couple seconds."

Megan hugged Jim. "I'll visit you when you get home."

"Thanks, for coming by," Jim said. "I hope to hold off the press release until the medicine is released to FDA."

"Good luck," Megan said. "She's beautiful."

Naomi kissed the sleeping baby in the crib before leaving with Megan.

The baby cried. "It's my turn to change the diaper." Jim cleaned the baby's bottom and put on a hospital diaper. When they got home, they would use cloth.

Blair kissed Jim's forehead. "I'll feed the baby for you so you can sleep."

"Thanks, maybe I'm not cut out to nurse her." Jim closed his eyes and fell asleep.

When they got home, Rafe and Brown came over. "Let them in," moaned Jim.

Blair said, "The baby is sleeping."

Every noise vibrated through the loft and in Jim's head. His head hurt and his body ached. Now that it was morning, Devin finally decided to sleep. Jim put on the light pink nightgown he wore in the hospital over his boxer's shorts and clenched his jaw. Finally, he walked down the stairs.

"Ellison, you're not walking too well?" Rafe said.

"While we were picking up Baby Sandburg, the doctor cornered me in the hallway and insisted I have the hernia surgery. Do you want to see my scar? Then, will you leave?" Holding up his nightgown with one hand, Jim pulled down his shorts to show the scar. "Go. I need my rest."

Rafe looked at the stitches. "Shit, we thought you had sexual reassignment surgery."

"As you see, my scar is a bit higher than my family jewels. My dick and balls are still firmly attached and I plan to keep it that way." Jim could understand why they would think that, but he was still furious. He still had a feminine lilt to his voice and moved like a woman. It would take awhile to unlearn the new behaviors. "Do you want to see them, too?"

"That's quite all right," Rafe said. "Henri, let's go."

Blair said, "Drink some coffee. Devin will be up soon."

Jim sat on his therapeutic chair and put on the massage feature. "She never sleeps longer than four hours. She's a night owl like her daddy."

Blair yawned. "Rainier only gave me two weeks off for the baby and since I'm not faculty; the family leave law doesn't apply."

"I know," Jim moaned. The baby was on his breast most of the night. It was easier to breastfeed than prepare bottles, and while he breastfed, it was almost like Devin was inside him again. "I talked you into keeping the baby. If you had your way, Baby Sandburg would have been adopted." Jim stretched out on his chair.

"He told me to take the paternity test before making up my mind. The asshole knew if the test came out positive that I would be bringing Devin home," Blair said. "There were six men called up for a test. I figured what were the odds."

Rafe said, "The condom broke."

"I only cheated on Jim twice. I must have the world's worst luck," Blair said.

Jim said, "I'm on disability so I'm stuck at home with Blair's bastard while he's at the university defending his thesis."

"I would gladly change places with you," Blair teased back.

"Once you agreed to a paternity test, you were hosed," Henri said. "I hear Hairboy referring to you by a male pronoun. Can we assume that your mid-life crisis is over?"

"New crisis. Do you think my pea brain can deal with more than one crisis at a time?" Jim teased. He avoided the real reason that Blair was now using male pronouns; Jim was no longer pregnant and, thus, female. "My doctor says that should be able to return to the gym in six to eight weeks."

"A pink nightie and boxer's shorts," said Rafe. "The fashion police should come after you."

"We all can't be Mr. GQ," said Jim. He also had a nursing bra on because his milk had come in, making his breasts larger than ever. Rafe and Brown wouldn't understand him nursing, so he would have to bottle feed Devin while they were here. He had worn boxer's shorts under his maternity clothes, except on the rare occasion he had on a nice dress that might show panty lines. He didn't need to tell Rafe and Brown that. "The boxers will go once the scar heals."

"They better." Blair licked his lips.

Henri Brown asked, "Are you still on hormones?"

"For the time being. I may decide to be on hormones for the rest of my life." Jim would have given Henri a nasty look if he weren't so tired. "I lowered the dose, so I'm more sexually responsive which makes Blair very happy, or would, if Devin gave us a moment's peace."

"Are you coming back to work?" asked Rafe.

"I went on disability two months ago. I had surgery, so my intestines aren't hanging down to my knees, but I can't chase bad guys with an abdominal hernia. I'm going back to school, besides my professors and fellow students won't expect this old drag queen to be someone she isn't."

Henri said, "I don't understand how going on hormones and a hernia are related."

"That proves you've never been sick," said Jim. "If you were ever in serious pain, you would learn all the bullshit flies out the window. I could no longer lie about who I was. I was alone with me and my pain."

Henri said, "That makes sense - sort of."

Jim rolled his eyes. "Constant chronic pain isn't the same thing as a gunshot wound. Pain like that makes you face your demons. I'm going to lie down upstairs. I'm bring Devin down when she wakes up."

Epilogue

Two years later.

Two cameramen and an interviewer came to the loft. Jim put Devin on the floor in front of him and turned on the cartoons. Devin played with a few toys as the interviewer set up. "Mr. Ellison, why agreed to be a test subject?"

"If Dr. Sandburg felt that Dr. Hogan's research was worthwhile, then I couldn't close her down for illegal research. I had to find a way so she would no longer need to do illegal tests," Jim said as he placed his hands on his lap.

"Weren't you risking your life?" the interviewer asked.

"I don't believe in abortion. I needed a way to get her important medicine to market without killing anymore babies," Jim said.

"Weren't you taking a large risk?"

"I only knew that I had to carry the baby to term. I wasn't a hero. You should talk to Dr. Hogan about the science."

"What were you trying to prove by carrying a baby?"

"That Dr. Hogan's medicine would allow anyone to carry a baby. It allows women with a deformed or missing uterus to carry a baby. This medication will be a blessing to many women."

"What about the child that was result of this pregnancy?"

"She's in a happy, loving family." Jim put Devin, a blonde hair little girl, on his lap moment. "This is my daughter, Devin Sandburg. She's healthy and normal in every way."

"What about when she registers for school?"

"That is part of the reason I'm doing this press conference. I don't want to have trouble because I'm her mother."

"Won't this be hard on her?"

"She'll know that I risked my life to have her and that I love her very much."

"Do you plan to go back to work?"

"I'm taking classes in forensics at night and planning to return to work after Devin enters first grade. I love police work, but my daughter comes first."

"How do people treat you and Devin?"

"Fine. Her pediatrician has been with us the whole time. When we met, I was a pregnant woman, then a man on hormones, now I'm an effeminate gay man. She accepts me a Devin's mother."

"I wasn't expecting the first pregnant man to resemble Arnold Schwarzenegger."

"I'm no Mr. Universe. I care about my body and exercise regularly. What were you expecting an anthropology professor with a nipple ring?"

The interviewer smiled. "Not a buff ex-Army captain."

"James Ellison, the macho cop, died of shame in a maternity store thirty miles outside of Cascade, not that I miss him all that much."

As the interviewer packed up, Jim knew that the harder interviews were yet to come, along with the character assaults. He was sure to be called a hypocrite for having such strong feelings against abortion when he was a gay man and had lived as a woman for close to a year. He would do his best to protect his daughter from the backlash. Jim looked at the balding middle-aged man while walking pass the bathroom mirror, as his daughter learned to use the potty.

While Devin was still sitting on the potty chair, Jim called Carolyn. "I just talked to a reporter and called to warn you before they come pounding at your door to interview the woman married the freak."

"Did you admit to being a sentinel?"

"No, it was nothing to do with that. Blair submitted his dissertation, Modern Day Sentinels: Police Officers as Tribal Watchmen, long ago. Are you sitting and do you have back support?"

"It's that bad," Carolyn said.

"You'll probably fall on the ground laughing. I don't want to be responsible for you injuring yourself." Jim started to laugh.

"What did you admit to press and does it have anything to do with me?"

"No. It doesn't have anything to do with you other than you didn't want to have children and my biological clock started ticking. I had a baby, Devin Josepha Sandburg. She's two now."

"Please repeat what you just said. I must have misheard you."

"I had a baby. I tested a medication to prevent miscarriage by carrying a baby without a womb."

"James Ellison, you expect me to believe that."

"It's Mrs. Blair Sandburg. Blair brought the marriage license to the hospital. He didn't want our child to be illegitimate."

Carolyn started laughing louder. "Thanks for the warning. When do I get to meet this technological wonder?"

"She's on the potty right now. Come up anytime. I'm a part-time student and full-time homemaker."

Carolyn arrived the following morning. Jim answered the door in a tee shirt and jeans. "So where is the little wonder?" asked Carolyn.

"Asleep in her crib. We made Blair's old room into a nursery," Jim said. "Go take a look."

Carolyn walked over to the sandy blonde, blue-eyed girl just starting to wake up.

"Daddy," the girl cried.

Jim picked up her and took her to her highchair. Then, he gave her milk in a sippy cup. "So Carolyn, you were in a hurry to come up?"

"How did you hide a pregnancy?"

"In plain sight. We told everyone at the station that one of Blair's old girlfriends called us from the hospital and told Blair if he wasn't there soon that his kid would be set up for adoption. Blair had the paternity test done there and took the kid home," Jim explained.

"That's not the question I asked."

"I gained weight beforehand so I could hide it inside my fat," Jim said. "All anyone saw was a fat Jim Ellison on hormones. They never saw I was pregnant."

Blair came down the stairs. "Carolyn, what a nice surprise." Blair hugged her.

"Jimmy called me and told me to expect to be hounded by the press," Carolyn said.

"I was at the university, yesterday," Blair said. "I'm sorry that I missed the interview."

"There'll be more even if we don't want them," Jim said as he started the coffee maker.

"Carolyn never got to see you in your wedding dress," Blair teased.

"If you dare put that on the television set, we're getting a divorce," Jim said as he started to mix pancake batter. "Carolyn, do you want any pancakes?"

"Sure. I want to see the wedding video," Carolyn said.

"It was done in a chapel in Las Vegas. They throw in the video for a few more bucks," Blair said. "Show your ex-wife."

"I was big as a house," Jim pouted. "The interviewer compared me to Mr. Universe. I don't want to be reminded how out-of-shape I was."

"And you think us women are vain," Carolyn teased. "So what are you studying at school?"

"Forensics. I'm getting too old, besides I'm missing a knee cap and I have a hernia. I got the abdominal hernia by sticking a baby where it doesn't belong inside a male body," Jim said.

"As long as you don't transfer to San Francisco."

"Not in a million years." Jim turned the pancake.

"I want to see your wedding dress," Carolyn said. "Are you going to give it your daughter when she gets married?"

"I doubt it. I was huge," Jim said.

"I'll turn the next pancake. Get it from your closet," Carolyn said. "You saw me in mine."

"I was marrying you at the time." After he cut it into small pieces and put a light coating of syrup on it, Jim gave Devin the first pancakes.

Carolyn turned on the television and channel surfed as Blair went to look for the video. She stopped when she heard Ellison-Sandburg said. A minister was on a local talk show.

"Mr. Ellison-Sandburg doesn't represent our organization. He undermines Christian and family values. Perverts like him distract from the pro-life values."

Carolyn shouted, "They're taking calls."

"I'm on the phone. I'm in the queue." Jim shouted from the kitchen.

On the television set, the talk show host said, "After commercial break, we'll speak to Mrs. Jamie Sandburg."

"I'll go upstairs so there won't be feedback," Jim said. "You can watch the minister squirm."

After the commercials were over, the host asked, "Jamie, why did you risk your life to have a child?"

"Dr. Sandburg believed in Dr. Bianca Hogan's research enough to help her locate test subjects. I couldn't allow her research to kill anymore innocent children. So I told her to implant an embryo inside me and I would carry it to term."

"That is a woman on the line," the minister said.

"I know who I am."

Blair, with the videotape in his hand, sat down beside Carolyn on the sofa.

"How dare you claim to represent the right-to-life movement?" the minister said.

"I never made such a claim. I only said that abortion stops a beating heart. I feel any medication that prevents miscarriage saves lives. If your wife was prone to miscarriage, you would want such medicine on the market."

"My wife would not go to extraordinary means to get pregnant," the minister said.

"What if a member of your church needed the medication that I tested to save her life and life of her unborn child, would you deny her such medicine?"

"That's a different subject. Because the medicine that you tested has the potential to save lives, doesn't justify what you've have done," claimed the minister.

Jim wanted to go to the station and put his size thirteen patented leather shoe up the minister's ass. "Many women have died due to unplanned entopic pregnancy. This medication has the potential to save their lives. If I didn't force Dr. Hogan to use me as a test subject, more unborn children would have died before she could bring this wonder drug to market."

"I'm supposed to listen to this pervert the act holier than thou."

The host said, "Mrs. Sandburg, would you like to come down and tell your side in person? Stay on the line after the show and someone will speak you. Rev. Clarke, Mrs. Sandburg has made a few good points."

"What about your child? She'll be ostracized for conceived in such an ungodly fashion."

"My daughter is growing up in a loving home."

"Gays shouldn't raise children."

"That's another subject," the host said.

"Mrs. Sandburg, thank you for your time. Please, stay on the line."

Jim spoke to the receptionist about time, day, what to wear and what to expect. The reception asked, "How did you hear about the program?"

"My ex-wife had it on," Jim said.

"Did your wife and you have children?"

"We didn't have any children. We were married for less than two years," Jim said.

"These questions are for our own records. You'll be asked other questions on the show," she said. "Thank you for your time."

"Can my husband come?" Jim asked.

"That is up to him," the reception said. "It's only a fifteen-minute segment. He might not get to say much."

"Thank you." Jim hung up the phone.

"They're going to rip you apart." Blair put his hand on Jim's shoulder.

"That minister was an idiot," Jim said walking to the living room.

"You go there as Jamie Sandburg; they'll tear you a new asshole."

"And if I show them gung-ho James Ellison, they'll think the phone conversation was staged. I'm fucked," Jim said.

Blair said, "I'd be there holding your hand."

"Chief, they'll insult you more than me," Jim said. "You don't deserve that. I did this without your consent. You shouldn't be humiliated for standing beside me."

"Jamie, I love you. That isn't going to change."

"Where's Devin?" As he said that, he heard Devin downstairs.

"She's showing Carolyn her dolls," Blair said. "Jamie, let's show Carolyn the wedding video. When is the show going to be air?"

"Next Tuesday. Don't you have to be at work?"

"I can miss one day."

"The press is going to hound us for months. Teach your afternoon class."

"See you." Blair kissed Jim good-bye.

As Blair was stepping out the door, Carolyn popped in the video. "Jimmy, you held your own."

"Until they get to see me in person," Jim said. "Whatever I do, I'm not going to look like the person that they heard on the telephone. What did you hear?"

"A large husky woman. A deep feminine voice," Carolyn said.

"I'm hosed," Jim said. "I don't want to look like a drag queen but if I use my normal voice, they'll think the conversation was staged."

"Many men sound female on the phone. Are you going to wear a suit?"

"Slacks and a sweater. I hadn't decided if I want a tie," Jim said. "Carolyn, I'm so sorry that I brought you into this."

"I want to see macho Jim Ellison in a wedding dress," Carolyn teased as the video started.

"I wasn't macho," Jim said as Devin climbed on his lap.

Carolyn looked at the short wedding on the video. "Jimmy, you looked beautiful. I wouldn't have know that large woman was you if I wasn't told."

"Devin, do you want to go to the playground?"

"Yes, Daddy."

"Get your coat on." Jim helped his daughter get her coat on. Then Jim put on his jacket and opened the door for Carolyn. "I'll put her on the slide and push the swing. You can sit on a bench." He picked up Devin to carry her to the car as Carolyn followed.

After Devin some children to play with on the playground equipment and didn't want Daddy interfering, Jim sat down on a bench with Carolyn. "I should have told you earlier, but I didn't want you involved."

"I understand." Carolyn put her hand on his arm. "What did you tell the guys during it?"

"Nothing much. They avoided me like the plague, which was what I was going for. Cassie Wells insulted me."

"I remember her. She's now Cascade's problem."

"The guys were cool. I told them that I was cutting back on the hormones after my hernia surgery and they would have to deal with a kinder, gentler Jim."

"I have trouble visualizing this."

"I'm very good at copying other people's behavior. I've done it for uncover assignments. Simon visits from time-to-time. Heather and I are good friends."

"Cassie has a problem with it?"

"She called me the biggest SOB that she ever met and me in a dress was an insult to womanhood."

"She didn't trust San Francisco equipment; she had her parents buy her the latest technology. She's a spoiled brat. Don't let her get to you."

"I don't know why Chang hasn't fired her, yet." Jim said. "Blair teases me about returning to being the man that I was, but having a baby changes a person. I could put the effort into returning to being that asshole that I was before, but why would I want to?"

"If you're happy with yourself, that is all that matters." Carolyn kissed his cheek.

A few of the women gave him a brief stare and then returned to their children. A woman came up to him, "Jamie, I heard you on AM Cascade. I think you were very brave."

"Someone needs to be the first," Jim said.

"And you are?" the lady asked.

"Carolyn, his ex-wife," she said.

"I'm Dorothy, one of your neighbors," she said. "Jamie, most people support what you have done despite what that minister said."

Devin tugged on Jim's leg. "Push me on the swing."

"We can talk as I push my daughter," Jim said. "Thank you for the kind word."

"You don't think it'll become common for gay men to carry children?" Dorothy asked.

"No, most men wouldn't go through what I did," Jim said. "The whole time, I feared dying. The medicine isn't for that. It's for preventing entopic pregnancies from rupturing or being attacked by the body's defenses. I suspected that I'd be the only man to carry a baby to term for at least ten years or more."

"Is there a demand for it?"

"I don't know. I suppose I can't be the only man that wants to carry his lover's child. Going a year without sex is a pretty high price for a gay man," Jim teased. "Not that Devin wasn't worth that price, but there was no guarantee that I would even live through the pregnancy."

"She's a beautiful child."

Jim pushed Devin on the swing. "She's my miracle baby. She'll grow up knowing that her mommy risked everything for her. I only wished I named her something like Louise Brown."