Joe Flanigan and David Hewlett at Chicago Stargate Con, August 28, 2010
J – Joe
D – David
J/D or D/J – spoken at the same time (and I could make them both out)
Q – person asking the question
A – audience member(s) shouting stuff out
– – if the line ends with one of these, the speaker got interrupted. If the sentence was continued, it will start with one when it resumes
… – the speaker trailed off
(indistinct) – I couldn’t figure out what they said. If you know, let me know.
[words in brackets] – I took a guess. See above
They are introduced by Adam (I think his name is) accompanied by video, and come onstage.
David – Yet again proving that anyone can look good in slow motion. I think I should just always be in slow motion – it work for me. How d’ya like Joe’s jeans? (whoops and hollers as Joe stands up to model them) Yeah, yeah – this is what he says, he says. I say, ‘Hey, those are cool.’ And he says,‘Yeah. You … never wash them.’
Joe – I learned that from Jason. It’s true. Is his microphone louder than mine?
D – No, it could be my voice
J – (low) Naaooow
D – I will go back in (indistinct) go back in (indistinct) for that
J – Well, um, I hope that, that when you guys come and ask questions, that you ask David a few questions…
(crowd snickers at David, who’s rocking his chair front to back)
D – Does your chair feel like it’s…
J – It does, it always feels that way. And it’s not just the alcohol.
D – They like to make us feel slightly nervous about our personal safety at all times.
J – You know, I’ve actually tried to wonder what the history of the chair is, because only in the movie business do they have a chair that stands up like this. My guess, it’s hair and makeup – what do you think? (pause) Right?
D – Yeaah.
J – They can’t bend down.
D – (in Bill Murray’s Caddyshack character’s voice) So we went and saw David and Joe. And Joe was telling us about the history of the chair. Basically, it dates back to the time before chairs when people wanted to sit on things that were more comfortable than rocks. Ah, the chair.
J – And on that note.
D – I really hope people have good questions for us. ‘Cause you know we’ve got terrible answers for you.
J – Should we answer a question?
D – Or we could just ask questions.
J – Yeah, oh, hey, David–
D – Yeah! I love it here.
J – -What was it like working with Joe?
D – Ah, well, the key to working with Joe was to stay out of the shadow of his hair. Or in it, depending on how…
J – (looks to his right to answer a question)
D – Angle yourself to look like you had the hair. (gets in between Joe and the questioner)
J – Don’t interrupt David when he’s talking.
D – Does it look like I have Joe’s hair right now?
Q – Hi, guys. (Q is nakedwesley)
J – Hello.
Q – We’d like to congratulate Joe on his Twitter actor of the month.
J – Thank you, but I’m more interested in who was the runner up?
Q – We have something for you guys. (holds it out. Joe, eagerly, and David, reluctantly, go to collect)
J – Oh, this is awesome. I love awards.
D – I don’t like awards
J – The Twitter actor of the month – yes! (lifts it like a touchdown dance)
D – (accepts his award from mercury973 and examines it) I got a running award! I got a runner, runner award up.
J – Cue music.
D – (imitating Joe) Oh, David, what’s this Twitter thing? David, do you do this Twitter thing?
J – Yeah, I didn’t know what Twitter was ‘til about three weeks ago. And now I’m Twitter actor of the month!
D – And I’m his helpful sidekick again. Everything I do, it’s always ‘Joe’s little sidekick’.
J – I think that’s cute. It’s good for running, running up. (motions for, gets, and examines David’s award)
D – That’s a nice running award.
J – ‘Runner up’, ooh.
D – How’s that going in my carryon? They won’t let me have nail clippers, but I can attack someone with, like, an angel.
J – (making stabbity motions) I’m taking control of this airplane! Chee!
D – Fly this plane to somewhere warm!
J – So, uh, well. thank you for my, my uh –
D – Statue
J – It’s going next to my bmx trophy that I won when I was ten years old. I think that’s the last thing I won.
D – Why don’t you put it next to that Peoples’ Choice award?
J – Oh, yeah. Btw, you know – we’re supposed to share that thing.
D – Do I have custody this month?
J – You can. We do have a Peoples’ Choice award, which is this wonderful (draws the shape in the air – is drowned out by crowd hooting)
D – Remember 5 years ago when we won a People’s Choice award? Weren’t we great?
J – Ya know, that was the one year that they didn’t have the awards ceremony.
D – Yeah.
J – There was some, strike, or something like that? Yeah, it was a strike of some sort.
Audience member – terrorist
D – What was that?
A – Terrorist attack
D – No, it wasn’t the terrorists. I’d like to think it was that important, but it was something like, someone was on strike and they didn’t want to write something
A, then J/D – the writers’ strike.
D – Duh, you’d think I could’ve figured that one out. Yeah, there’s..it’s a writer issue.
J – They were writer/terrorists. So…should we go this way? (looking right)
D – We went that way first
J – Oh, we have to go this way.
D – Hey, how ya doing? (David waves at the bypassed questioners). You wore your stripes, too, I see.
Q/J/D – hello.
Q – A lot of your – this is for Joe, I’m sorry, David. (David hangs his head. Audience awws. Joe gets up)
J – Oh. It’s okay (hands David his trophy off the floor) Here ya go, David. (David weakly waves it around as a staffer brings them water in goblets.)
D- Thank you (talking into the award)
Q – Joe, a lot of your castmates do an impression of you. I wonder if you do an impression of any of them?
D – (in squeaky Joe voice) We-ell…
J – I didn’t realize that I had a high, squeaky voice, but, um-
D – You don’t, that’s the funny thing, but for some reason everybody always does a high, squeaky voice-
J – (grunts three or four times) I mean, we know who that is, right?
D – Sorry, I just thought you were having some issues. I thought maybe it was the pizza.
J – That could either be Jason, or it could be David after lunch. It’s hard to tell. Um, no..
D – Jason, Jason was the (looks up as if startled) ‘Hm? Oh? Sorry, what?! Uh, line?’ ‘Jason, you don’t, you don’t have a line.’ ‘Oh. Sorry.’ (drops head back down)
J – One time Jason even had his guitar – he would bring his guitar to set, and – we were shooting, and he kept playing the guitar.
D – He was working [in O’Hare?]
J – It was hilarious. ‘Huh? What? I..’
D – ‘No, I. He would be doing this! You –there’s a problem with that? He could be like, he’s a, he’s a musical people.’
J – So, yeah, I –
D – Have you- have you seen him? Recently? He’s cut! Like, he’s like…
J – Yeah, I was just in Dublin with him. We, we raised hell. Probably why the Irish are a little bit scared of us. I’m pretty proud of that.
D – I wonder why.
J – Now, we had a good time. He’s in Belfast, and I was shooting in Dublin, and he came down like, like the Vikings from the north, and uh, yeah. We made an indelible impression on the Dubliners, I think. And, uh, had a really good time, but um, yeah, so, I don’t know what else to say. (grunts) (as Jason) We had a good time.
D – Do Rachel’s impression of..my impression of Rachel was always (falsetto) ‘Circle, circle, circle circles of life.’ Remember when they gave her that song? She was like, ‘I can sing!’
J – Right, we had a musical. We did a musical–
D – (falsetto) ’Circles’ (Joe cracks up) ‘circle circle circle’ –
J – (sighs)
D – He loves it when I do that
J – Yeah. And David? David’s just like, (high pitched) ‘We’re gonna die!’
D – (nonsense sounds)…diieeeee!
J – ‘David, no. David you actually don’t have a line.’ ‘What?! O-kay.’ (as David) ‘We’re gonna die! Argh!’ He was saddled with the most difficult part of this show, which was-
D – Joe
J – (nodding) Me, and my hair. Uh, anyway. Hello.
Q – I have a really serious question.
(Joe and David shift in their chairs) Serious, okay.
Q – Do either of you have tattoos, and if so, where are they?
D – Emotional tattoos?
J – I am one of the few people without one. I think they’re very trendy, aren’t they? I should get one. Ya know, just to be trendy. Uh, no, I don’t. I don’t have any tattoos.
D – I’ve never seen a picture that I would want to hang on my wall forever. Ya know what I mean? Like, I never like – I would be worried that – I mean, no offense. My wife has a tattoo, but, um – and which is really cute – but I always think like…
J – Let’s talk about that. Where does she have a tattoo?
D – Uh, er….[near the thing]
Q – Thanks
J – Um yeah, the sad truth is-
D – Wildly disappointing, isn’t it? ‘Ya know Chicago was not a lot of fun at all.’
J – ‘I thought they were rock stars.’
D – I like the kids now, ‘cause they have all these little fake tattoos that they can do. I was talking to a guy who had all these massive, cool tattoos, and he said that his kid’s friends came home and said ‘Are those tattoos real, or permanent?’ ‘Cause their idea of a real tattoo. (to Joe, who’s rolling his eyes) See how that worked?
J – Yeah. Let’s move on, David.
D – Sure. (leaning forward and looking at the floor) That was the serious question? It looks so far down!
J – Hello.
Q – Hi, I was wondering what your second favorite acting job was – ‘cause we all know that Stargate was the first.
J – Yeah, A Dog’s Breakfast for me. Oh, wait – I didn’t do it.
D – (whispers) There’s still time.
J – The sequel. What’d that be – The Dog’s Lunch?
D – Heir of the Dog, I thought for the sequel.
J – (laughs) Well. Second favorite acting job. Well, since you preface it so rhetorically like that, I would say that, um, I enjoyed making Thoughtcrimes a lot, uh, just ‘cause I liked the role –
D – (sings Scooby Doo theme)
J – (nods at David)
D – (as a fangirl) – ‘I watch all your work.’ (Joe and audience crack up) ‘Remember when you did Scooby Doo? I love that. My favorite part of your second favorite film.’
J – Let’s ask David. Kung Fu?
D – Ah, no. I think I’d have to go with Traders. I like, I think that was it. It was a little Canadian show that you wouldn’t have heard of – it was about the Toronto Stock Exchange, like, how to bring in a huge audience there – is to do a show about Toronto Stock Exchange. Um, but, yeah-
J – Was that the one David Hewlett was in?
D – Yeah! You’ve seen the show. And the guy who does Bones now, actually, is the guy who, basically, came up with that. And House. The other guy is working now on House. And I’m here.
J – Traders.
D/J – Answer the phone!/Pick up!
J – Hello? Yeah. No, I’m not here right now. (to Q) Go ahead.
D – Did she walk through the wall?
J – What?
D – Did you see that, too?
J – Yes, it was insane.
Q – She’s really a changeling. Anyway, my question is: if there was any person, alive or dead, that you would like to sit down with for 15 minutes-
D – I’m doing it right now. I’m doing it right now!
Q – -who would it be, and why?
J – (sighs) Oh, god.
D – You want to say ‘anything’ to God for 15 minutes? Hey, I’ll take God for 15 minutes. Good call!
J – You go first, I gotta see what-
D – I just said it – you! You, mister. I’ll take 15 minutes – I’ll take any time I can get.
J – Oh, my god! (ponders, hard)
D – The key here is to try to find one that doesn’t sound too pretentious, but makes you sound smart.
J – Oh, yes.
D – So, your first instinct — like Mickey Mouse? Don’t go with that.
J – Oh, thank God David was here.
D – But, like – Pluto
J – Pluto’s a good one.
D – Minnie
J – Pluto’s the smart one, right? My god that’s an incredible question…that forces me to dig into the dark crevices of my mind – and I don’t like that.
D – Damn, I dribbled on my pants. Nobody’s gonna wanna stay with me for 15 minutes!
J – Yeah, I think the question should be asked inversely. Who wouldn’t want to spend 15 minutes with us? (cheering) Oh, okay.
D – You don’t want to? So why are you here? ‘Sorry, I thought this was a Twilight convention. I thought that Pattinson guy had more hair!’
Q – Thank you.
D – Thank you – did I answer? Oh, yeah.
J – No, wait – we have to do this. (looking to his left) It’s like tennis.
A – It’s Joe’s magnetic personality.
D – Yes, that’s what it is. (David rolls his eyes, then his whole head around, ending up slumped down in his chair)
Q – I have a question for the both of you.
D – Do you have lemons all over your shirt? (darsynia!!!)
Q – I sure do.
D – Oh, you, woman. (darsynia makes a \o/ )
Q – Okay, so I want to know Joe’s first impression of David, and I also have a serious question for David-
D – What, wait – so that wasn’t a serious question?
Q – No.
D – And when you’re finished goofing around…
Q – and the, uh, question for David is: how did you prepare for the different flavors of McKay; the-
J – Flavors?
D – Flavors? You make me sound like, like a Ben & Jerry’s ice cream bar. So sorry, you had the serious question – no, that was the serious question.
J – Oh. I, I forgot what the question was.
Q – The first question was – your first impression of David.
J – Oh, god. This is bad.
D – When did we work together first? I don’t remember when we started working together.
J – What d’ya mean? I don’t know – you got… Didn’t you get cast after we started shooting?
D – Yeah. You guys were already shot most of it.
J – I was told that the character was going to be black.
D – Yes.
J – And then David showed up and I was, like… (squints) How is he black?
D – It’s not about color…it’s what’s inside.
J – First impression? I, I, I, I don’t know that I had a first impression. That’s a good question. Damn.
D – Ears are burning – slight sickness.
J – No. We started doing some scenes together, and obviously there was uh, there was funny. He was the funny guy. I was like, ‘Hey, Funny Guy! Get over here and do your funny thing.’
D – Yes, Hair Guy?
J – ‘Dance for us, Funny Guy.’ Uh, no, but I thought it a great – it was a good choice, injecting the proper level of comedy into an otherwise very serious show. Very serious.
D – An appropriate amount of humor in a serious show. And what was my question? Oh, flavors! I like that one that has the chocolate…and the caramel, with the marshmallows. (to Joe) I’m hungry now.
J – (to David) I know.
Q – So, like Original, (indistinct), Rod, Replicator, Last Man old McKay-
D – Oh, Rod. You gotta to go with Rod. I mean, that flavor of McKay. I’ll take Rod. I mean, that’s – I, I, I tried to incorporate a leather jacket from then on in – “I think we should wear leather.” It’s more appropriate for going to the same planet. It’s always a little chilly.
J – I did think it was very funny that he did go from a nebbish, loud scientist to, like, action hero. (aside to David) I couldn’t think of the name of the thing.
D – I know. ‘Action hero.’ Inaction hero.
(David looking to his left)
J – Oh, gotta go this way.
D – (to left Q) Nice try, but you will NOT lure me with your question.
Q – My question is, um-
J – What are you holding?
Q – Um, a present for David.
J – Aaooh, God! Alright.
Q – First I’m going to ask my-
D – Do I wanna know what it is?
Q – It’s a painting.
D – It’s a painting?!
Q – Yes-
D – Oh.
J – It’s Peppermint McKay Ice Cream.
Q – No, it’s a still life painting of the city of Atlantis.
J/D – Ah/Oh, wow.
Q – But first, my question, though. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever had to do and/or where?
J – Do? Wha – What’s the weirdest thing we’ve ever had to do or what?
Q – And/or where.
J – On the show, or?
Q – Any show or movie you’ve ever done.
D – Remember standing in that field with that guy in the Pepto pink Bismo, he looked like a Pepto-Bismo pill. And he had this – the poor guy, this huge, tall guy in a skin tight suit, and they didn’t give him a cup. So we did the whole scene just going, like… (sympathetic grimace). And we’d just got back from hiatus, and we were like-
J – And that was the, I think I wrote the (clears throat)-
D – You wrote that episode! That’s right – ‘cause everyone’s looking at Joe, going like (quizzical, slightly worried look, shifting from Joe to the guy and back).
J – Yeeeah.
D – You and the guy hanging out of his…
J – Yeeah, he was pink. And the director kept saying, ‘It’s gonna look great when it’s done.’
D – He was supposed to be a pterodactyl or something, wasn’t he?
J – I don’t know. He was like, he was like the Michelin man, but he was pink. Very scary.
D – He had an apologetic look on his face, like, ‘I’m really sorry. I’m really sorry that you’re seeing this…all of this. It’s very hot and embarrassing.’
(Note: We later figured out, or were told, that it was the suit the guy playing the beast in Epiphany wore – which was later processed into the blurry bits seen on screen.)
J – It was. That was a terrible episode. Who wrote that? Is that it? You wanna give me David’s gift? I’ll keep it for him.
Q – I meant – what did you wear?
D – Ah.
J – But we were answering together.
D – What did you wear?
J – I was there experiencing the same level of pain as David. I saw the pink man.
D – They dressed me as an angel once. Remember, I was telling you about that day-
J – You notice how he was down when he said that? It was like, in an AA meeting when you’re bringing up your worst secrets.
D – It’s been four years since I wore an angel suit. Not that I know what happens in an AA meeting.
J – Yeah. No, I did get…somebody sent me a photo of you as an angel – um, half naked and looking like a, you know, a fairy. I put it up – it’s on the wall.
D – It was actually in the Wardrobe description – described as a feathered g-string. Yeah – I was younger…and gravity had not worked its magic. Nowadays, (shaking head) yes.
Q – You want me to give you…?
D – I can take it now. That’d be fantastic. Thanks you very much. (walking over) Uh, please feel free to talk amongst yourselves, while I accept gifts. (hops off the stage)
Q – (indistinct)
D – He’s my favorite actor, too. That’s funny – maybe someone should call him?
J – You know, you still have time to go get me a gift.
(David shows the painting to the crowd, then walks back)
J – Well-
D – It’s only downhill from here. You may wanna leave now – ‘cause it’s basically gonna go down–
J – (stands) There are two exits in the back, one on the right.
D – (does the air safety dance. He put his mask on before whoever he was traveling with. Good man.)
(they both sit down)
J – How ya doing, buddy? Sorry you had to listen to all that.
Q – Um, I have a question for-
D – Aw, c’mon! (fake exasperated)
J – Go ahead.
Q – What were your favorite episodes to shoot, and your least favorite episodes to shoot?
J – Oh, boy. Uh…
D – Ya hafta ask the tough one, huh?
J – Favorite episode to shoot was Las Vegas [sic].
D – Because, it was like ‘Let’s Make Joe the Coolest Person on the Planet’.
(Joe eyebrows and nods to the crowd)
D – They shouldn’t call it Vegas. It was like, it was like ‘Joe Gets to Look Cool’.
J – I had a cool car, too. (unrepentant!Joe is unrepentant)
D – (mutters) And David gets to look fat-
J – And I didn’t have to work with David that much – we just did one scene. Like, “Yeah. The Joe Show.”
D – Remember that scene? That was, like, the first one on the show that we got – he’s like, “Let’s try it again, this way.” I was, like, “For acting?! Okaay!”
J – Yeah, yeah, that was a fun one. And the least favorite one…
D – The final? Finale? Fin-al? Yeah, the last one. I always think that Vegas should be the last show. They should’ve just ended on that one. Um, yeah – the one with Joe dead in the desert, that’s the last – that would be the way to go for me. But the last episode – the last episode for many reasons; because it was the last episode, obviously. Um, and also, it’s just-
J – It’s a convoluted story. I don’t get it – what’s happened? Where are we?
D – (portentously) I have seen the Wraith ships on fire, I have seen galaxies destroyed – (excitedly) The Golden Gate Bridge?! Quick, everybody – get a-
J – Girlfriend!
D – Quick, everybody – get a girlfriend! And everything will be good…in the world, except Joe, who’s in love with himself.
J – I, I was by myself – did you see that? Everybody had a girlfriend.
D – He had the one single tear…
J – We all went to the balcony, we all went to the balcony, and it was, like… (walks to the front of the stage – looks to his left, then his right)
D – All of a sudden Jason’s with the, like, the….
J – Jason has a girlfriend. I mean, listen-
D – Excuse me? Who’s single for the last shot of the show? Thank you!
J – Yeah.
D – Jason should’ve come in with, like, 15 girlfriends.
(Joe makes porn soundtrack music)
D – So we’re home.
J – What about yours?
(David looks confused, so Q says, “Your favorite.”)
D – Oh, I thought you meant Jewell. She has a name, man! Her name is Jewell. (gets his water glass) I don’t believe that women should be referred to as chattel!
J – ‘Jewell’ is her daytime name. Yeeaah.
(David stops drinking and shakes his lowered head)
D – My favorite episode would be, uh, I just really loved Grace Under Pressure. Just ‘cause I got to- (crowd hoots) say every line in the show and, um, to myself – and, and then – watch a half-dressed Amanda swimming around. I mean, you can’t really lose on that, basically. On any front. Um, and got to swim around in a giant fish tank, basically-
J – And I wasn’t in the episode.
D – You were hardly there at all. Where were you that-? What was -? There was some kind of – they would show the – come back to the base and people standing around going, ‘Yeah, he’s…missing.’ I like that episode – I’m in it.
J – God. It, it is-
D – Oh, no, no…least favorite! What about the one with the bug on your neck?
J – Yeah, yeah!
D – Oh, my god – can he whine. You think I can whine? You should’ve heard him on that one.
J – (growls) (whispers) I don’t like the puddlejumper (?).
D – (indistinct)
J – Goddamn bug. Ya know, I gotta tell you – that thing was, uh, we were just working out the kinks, on the show. We’d built the puddlejumper – it was too small to film in. Ya, know, which was really funny, because it was for filming. Maybe we should make the set big enough To. Film. In. And, anyways, it’s like this big and everybody’s in there, and, uh, it’s hot, sweaty, and crowded, and uh, Rainbow, God bless him-
D – Rainbow, oh my god, I worry about him.
J – -he had all this business to do, ya know. And, and – he couldn’t get the line right, or the business-
D – It was Mario directing, remember Mario?
J – Aww, Mario.
D – (Italian Maltese accent) Jesus Christ, man! Just act! Say your lines!
J – I don’t believe you! I don’t believe you!
D – I don’t believe a word you are saying! I don’t believe a word you are saying – in Malta we would have killed you! The only accent I do is a generic accent – it also works for Bulgarian.
J – But that’s exactly how he sounded. And, he actually was a great director. And, uh, it was painful. Didn’t he have – like, was sick or something? Had a stroke?
D – What? Are you serious?
J – Did he? No? Everybody had a stroke, that episode – I wasn’t sure. But, yeah, that was my least favorite episode-
D – Basically, any episode where we’re stuck in the jumper for any period of time, unless it’s underwater and Amanda’s half naked – is not a good show. It’s not a good, it’s not a good week of filming.
J – You like watching the jumper – we don’t like being in there.
D – You see all the cool stuff going on, and see a green screen and a couple of grips scratching themselves, ya know?
J – It’s true.
D – (waving his hand) Here’s the strobing lights – you’re going through the gate. The tinfoil.
J – You’ll be, like, doing some intense scene – explosions everywhere – and there’s a guy checking his cell phone. (Joe does the high, squeaky imitation Joe voice – I snort) ‘Can we move him out of the eyeline?’
(David stands up and rubs his butt while looking out into the distance, then looks at his butt hand)
D – ‘I think I sat in something!’ It’s, like – yeah. It’s the most distracting – and there’s some poor director going, like, (defeated tone) “C’mon, guys. This is, can you just? You’re really, you’re in danger. The galaxy’s gonna blow up. Just, if you could get the lines out, that’s all?”
J – We did get ourselves into – what, it was, like, pretty soon – like in the third or fourth episode. The producers came down, got mad at David and I for joking around too much. Apparently, there were actors-
D – I wouldn’t call them actors.
J – -I’ve never seen any actor on our show, but – apparently there were actors that were, weren’t able to stay in character because of our goofing off, and, um, we were told to cut it back. So, we really – (pulls hand across throat) – it was over.
D – We cut it right out. There was nooo more fun after that!
J – I did my serious face. I was, like, – (makes his serious face). And, thus, five years later-
D – Good question. Thank you very much – both of them.
Q – David…
D – Yeesss!
Q – In memorizing your technobabble lines-
D – (falsetto) I just made them up! Made ‘em up!
Q – Do you have a photographic memory, or are you just that good?
D – I’m so, no – I’m bad. I’m actually really, really awful. I don’t have a photographic memory – I, literally, uh, am the worst line memorizer of all time – it takes me forever. And everyone always assumes, they’d go, like, they just assume that, because I do it, that I did it quickly. I don’t do it quickly. My poor wife! I, I-
J – You ever seen that look that his dog, Mars, has?
D – That’s my wife-
J – She has to listen to him.
D – I used to run lines with Mars. He gave more. I was, like, “No, can – Mars, can you stop doing that? ‘Cause I’m not gonna get that kind of realism…from the people that I work with. Oh, that was good.’
J – (indistinct) That’s my ‘I’m listening to David’ look. But my mind? Elsewhere.
D – I have this memory of Jason saying, ‘Like, dude, do you know? Like,– you think it’s, you think it’s hard saying all those lines? You know how hard it is listening to them?’ And I loved him from there on in.
J – Oh, this way.
D – Hello.
Q – Joe, since very little of Sheppard’s backstory was revealed until Outcast in Season Four, did you create a whole backstory? And, if so, what was it?
J – Well, let’s start with Season One…
D – By ‘backstory’, do you mean, like, the Johnny Cash poster? Deeeep. I am a muddy puddle.
J – I did come up with a lot of backstory, and when I realized they didn’t really care – I put it in my little secret place (points to head). And it’s been safe there, ever since. But, the – character did not get explored the way I expected it to. But, in some ways, it didn’t make that much difference, because, I don’t know – I mean, your character got a lot more backstory, exploration – than mine did.
D – Well, I mean, I was lucky – that when I came in, they already sort of knew I was a jerk. They just had to explain why.
J – Right? Why is he such a jerk?
D – Why would they hire him? There was, I remember looking on the boards on Gateworld when I first started – there was this thread, like – “Why McKay? You’ve done ten years of a show and you choose him?! Why would he go over?” I was, like, ‘I’m completely in agreement with you. I’m very happy to be here, but I do not know why.’
J – The backstory thing I tried to get to. I wrote another episode called, um, um-
D – Joe (takes a drink)
J – That was Mister Joe. (David nearly does a spit take) Um, Out- what the hell was it? Outcast, yeah. And they tried to explore things there, but that was as far as we got. Um, but-
D – They realized that there was nothing there. They had plumbed the depths of that character. They realized that, basically, the Johnny Cash poster was as deep as it got.
J – Yeah, that’s pretty deep, too. Um, so, no – we should’ve explored more, but we also…you’re talking about a show that we expected to go for, probably, another three years.
D – A hundred years. (crowd cheers) (indistinct) (crown groans) (high voice) ‘Thank God it ended at five! Ah, Thank God!’
J – So, anyway. Hey, you never know – it may come back. (cheers)
D – (voiceover voice) Stargate: McKay. SG: M. Stargate: Me.
(baby in audience cries)
J – Yeah, I know. It’s sad. It’s very scary when you think about it.
Q – I have a question for David. What’s it like, being neurotic?
D – I believe the question is playing neurotic?
J – He wouldn’t be so neurotic if, actually, I wasn’t trying to kill him all the time.
D – He is an erotic character, now that you mention it. Uh, neurotic, neurotic, that’s it.
J – Mercifully, un-erotic.
D – Mercifully, un-erotic. (Joe gives an emphatic nod, then David and Joe bust out laughing) That’s a whole other story. Um…(wheezy laugh) I am neurotic. I, just, I am. I, I think – I’m not a very good actor. I just, I just basically-
J – And you want the answers now?! Historically, it’s in there.
D – -I just try to highlight the parts of my personality that are suitable for the role that I’m playing, and – in this case they, they hit on a gold mine, seriously. Hypochondria, neurosis, insecurity, ego – I could find all of them-
J – With easy access.
D – Are you neurotic?
J – Keep backing away.
Q – Actually, I was talking about the character.
D – You’d better be running, mister!
J – Thank you – and I’ll pay you later.
Q – I have a tough one for you. What are your favorite lines, or most funny lines you remember?
D – I like “Mentally unstable like a fox!” I always liked that one.
J – I’ve forgotten all my lines. That, also, went to the little secret place.
D – That was also kind of like working with him on set.
J – Um, I – ya know, it’s funny. I do, I have this weird little, uh, uh – hard resets that I do when I leave work. I forget everything – and I was shooting this film in Ireland, we went back – and they go, “Oh, we forgot to get the close up on that shot. Let’s just, let’s just do ‘em real fast.” So I was, like, “Huh? What was I doing?” I couldn’t – it took me a while. I was, like, “I, it’s not – it’s no…it’s not here anymore.”
D – Yeah, I can never remember stuff – I hit the same-
J – I thought I would be haunted by the whole thing. My favorites lines, ever. …. let’s see, um. (whistles) I dunno. David, what are your favorite lines of mine?
D – I was just trying to think, actually, of exactly that – There’s someone coming to steal your water right now. She’s taking your water, right now! (Joe spins, then pretends to bash her with his microphone)
D – I always like Joe’s looks. It was always like, a bit like wildlife photography, like, you just – you’d be, like, in a scene and they’d suddenly cut to you, and you’d be like (makes a Joe eyebrow face), and it always was, like, it was always…funny, and bang on. And it – no … (as the lights come up) Aw, it got lighter.
J – Ah..
D – You see that, too, right? Suddenly, it’s like – it’s people. What does that – that means we have, like…?
(con official) Half an hour.
D – Right.
J – Oh, my god. Okay, uh, so, uh…did I answer your question?
D – You don’t remember this.
J – I feel like I’m not answering some questions. You can see (taps head, whispers) lot of emptiness.
D – He’s on his hard reset right now.
J – A lot of emptiness. How ya doing, pal?
D – So, what – do we have, like, five minutes, or what’s the … does anyone know?
Host (over the sound system) – We actually have about – fifty minutes left, to do.
D – (looking toward the Heavens) Yes, yes?
J – Well, in that case…
D – Hello, God, it’s me – David.
Host (sepulchral tone) – Hello, David.
D – Strike him down (jabbing at Joe). Hey, there!
Q – Hi!
D – How ya doing?
Q – Good! I have a question for both of you.
D – I like you already.
Q – What would you have wanted to do if you weren’t an actor?
J – Fly through space and kill bad guys.
D – That’s not far off, because – I wanted to be a Time Lord. (crowd hooting) They’d ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, and I’d be, like, “Time Lord.” And they’d be, like, “There are no Time Lords.” “Well, then – I want to pretend to be a Time Lord!” I liked computer programming, I thought that was kind of fun. Ya know? But, uh, you have to be smart. Maths, things like that. It’s all that tricky, real stuff in between the coming up with the genius programming.
J – I, I, yeah – I don’t-
D – Basically, we sucked at everything
J – We failed our way into acting. Yeah, um, I did do a few other things, but I kept getting fired. I’m being serious. Bartender – fired. You’d think with a name like Flanigan-
D – You got fired as a bartender?! How do you do that?
J – Waiter – fired.
D – What’re you thinking of doing? What do you – have you something in mind?
Q – Well, I don’t know yet
D – You’d better hurry, man.
J – (looks at watch) We want a decision before we’re done talking.
D – So you have no plans? No plans yet? I just want you to know that you’re going to asked this more and more, every single year. Yeah.
J – Just tell ‘em you want to be a Time Lord. No? Okay.
D – Oh, thank you for filling my water, btw, little person-who-fills-water.
J – Hey, btw, you don’t have to figure out what you want to do. Learning what you don’t want to do goes a long way, too. Like, I don’t wanna work with David anymore.
(David = eyebrows. Crowd = groans)
J – Just one of those tips…Oh! (pats David’s shoulder) Oh, where’s that little runner up trophy?
D – It’s down, down in my heart
J – No, but – learning what you don’t want to do is part of it, so – you know, yeah. And, and, then, you’ve gotta work hard at everything. My god, there’s a lot of competition out there. But if you kill that competition…then it’s a home run, baby! (David nods sagely)
Q – Thank you
J/D – Thank you
D – This is what scares you. No only are we looking for jobs – this kid needs a job.
Q – I had read that Joe got a degree in History. I was wondering, for the both of you, is there an area of history that you’re interested in – and if you had the opportunity to make a historical film, what would it be?
J – Well, well, well – no, I did take History, and, yeah, I’d love to do a period piece-
D – Wool pants, though – very uncomfortable.
J – They’re a little uncomfortable – wool underwear. But, um, they do – they don’t do a lot of those. They tend to be expensive. They do a lot in England, ‘cause the BBC funds a lot of that …pieces – Jane Austen, and everything else, but we don’t a lot of that stuff here. And, um, what else, what else, what else? I want to do a Western, that’s what I want to do. But, um – I studied, I studied European and American Intellectual History – wow, that’s exciting.
D – Who are you? Well, you’re Joe!
J – But, uh, that was a lot of fun and I liked it. I would go back to school, if I could afford to. Um, history is a great thing to study, and, and, you know…it actually does help me out. Surprisingly, history helps me out – keeps me…keeps it in perspective, a little bit.
D – It keeps you current?
J – Yeah.
D – I – failed a lot of History classes. I read the fun stuff – all the names and dates I (waves them away)
J – Nah, yeah, ya know…it’s alright. Don’t go there with David. That’s a sore subject.
D – I was never, I was never a history buff. I was always, I was reading stuff that was gonna happen, as opposed to what’s already happened.
J – Yeah.
D – Though I know you can learn from the past and all that crap.
J – How you doing?
Q – Hey, great – how’re you?
J – Good!
Q – Not to inflate an ego anymore, but-
D – Yes?
(Joe inflates himself taller in his chair)
Q – I was wondering, in the beginning, how much did you guys actually add to your characters, to create them in the beginning – versus what they wanted?
A – ad libbing.
J – Ad libbing? Did you say, or are you just saying, in general?
Q – In general
J – Right. Well.
Q – When they first saw you, was that exactly what they wanted?
J – I don’t think so. I don’t think so, no. I think we came along and took control of our characters.
D – McKay was pretty there. Keep in mind that McKay was written by nerds for a nerd, so I think they were pretty well…ya know. I don’t know how heroic and planet-saving they were. You had a hard time with that, didn’t you?
J – It wasn’t in their DNA, really, to write heroic stuff, um. They did, obviously write for McKay, quite a bit. They could identify with McKay.
D – I always used to joke that McKay is, like, the horrible offspring of, of, ya know, to Brad and Coop – I mean, that’s easily…I’m like the stepchild of the two of them.
J – So, anyway – my character, uh – I mean – maybe he was…I think he might have been a little too close to home, there. I did have an authority problem. I’m sure they felt it. So…okay. Good casting. But, I do think, from what I’m told, is that they wanted to go with a Canadian guy.
D – And why wouldn’t you want?
J – And, I think they got overruled by MGM, who booked me into that spot, so, I might’ve walked into a little bit of a, little bit of a trap.
D – When you do a show as long as we did, too, you sort of become the keeper of the character. You have to, to some extent, you know him better than anybody. ‘Cause even the people who write some of the shows, haven’t been…as involved in, haven’t necessarily seen every aspect of that character along the way. So you have a tendency to find yourself being protective of what he would or wouldn’t do.
J – Yeah, we took ownership of our characters really fast. But, you know – I gotta tell you…it’s funny, ‘cause there’s a lot of working actors out there who don’t…make, um, they don’t make a great impression…and people don’t remember what they do – is a lot of the time they’re doing the opposite – is that they’re trying to fill – inform to their character as opposed to taking ownership of it. And, uh – you can do that on a long running show. You’ve got the luxury of taking ownership of your character, and, and knowing that you’ve got a lot of time to develop it. Uh, if you’re a guest star it’s a lot trickier. You know, ‘cause you’re not comfortable with the character – and also being saddled with some, not so great dialogue. You get a lot of the exposition when you’re a guest star.
D – Well, that’s – I started as a guest star, and I never gave up the exposition.
J – I guess that’s right, yeah.
D – It’s definitely a real thing – when you come in as a guest star, you’re, basically, your job is to fill the character the way they want, and you’re really… And you’re open to it – you come in “Okay, what do you need?” type of thing. And then, as an ongoing character, you start looking for things, as opposed to uh, waiting to be told things.
J – Yeah, um, uh. None of the writers or producers ever came up to me and say, “Oh, why did you do that? You would never have done that.” Because everything we did was relatively real, I mean, it was what our characters would have done.
D – They said ‘Why would you do that?’ sometimes. ‘Why would you do that?’ ‘It looked funny?’
J – Why’d he kiss Carson Beckett? That was his…That was the real him, man.
D – Yeah, that was my choice. Who would I want to kiss, in the whole universe? McGillion?
J – I’m still trying to shake the images.
D – Flanigan’s ass is ringing.
(Joe pulls out his phone)
D – Who is it?
J – Oh God-
D – It’s me!
J – it’s so scary.
D – I changed his, uh –
J – Oh, God!
D – -desktop and locked the image…to me. Because he has the iPhone 4. I can only-
J – I’m in the Green Room, and my phone rings, and (holds phone out) that’s the image that comes up. And, yeah, I vomited a little.
D – I felt he needed something more refreshing, more inspiring than a picture of a small Chihuahua dog. What was it before? I didn’t look – I just deleted it. “Oh, wife and kids, whatever. He’ll love this shot of me!” Sorry, good question.
J – By the way, that one’s going on Twitter, pal.
D – (aghast) Oh, God!
Q – This question is for David-
D – In your dog contest?
J – Damn right. He was the runner up in the dog contest. He’s the runner up, it’s all-
D – I’m going to take up running.
Q – Speaking of dogs – kudos on adopting your dogs.
D – So why are you looking at me? Speaking of dogs – McKay?
Q – But, uh, my question if for you. Did you train Mars for his role in A Dog’s Breakfast yourself?
D – I wrote the script around his limited abilities. Kinda like they did with Joe. (Joe nods – barks) Basically, I knew he had certain looks that we found cute and attractive, and I’d seen – literally, whenever there’s food involved he does this little (twinch), and I thought, and so basically I just wrote that in every – and, also, he’s the hinge shot. If the scene’s not working, or I had nothing to cut to – I’d just cut to a shot of the dog going (twinch). And the great thing about that is, it’s probably a lesson for actors, as well, is that the reality is that you put onto the dog what you thinks he’s thinking. He’s just thinking, “Sandwich?” But in the movie, you’re thinking, like, he doesn’t like that person – or, he likes that person, or, you know – you put it onto him, so. Basically, that’s how I act now – I just (twinch). Thank you.
J – Hello.
Q – So, this question’s for Joe. Um, so – at the end of the season finale for Stargate: Atlantis, uh, we didn’t really get to hear – what is your interpretation of what happened to Todd?
J – Of what happens to Todd?
Q – Well, you just kind of-
J – Todd actually goes to San Francisco. He starts working in a gay bar. And he’s the-
D – Becomes a hairdresser.
J – –guy, ya know – he’s the most popular guy…in that whole district.
D – Hairdresser.
J – Oh, very successful. And then goes on to do a reality show as a hairdresser Wraith.
D – What does, what does happen to Todd? So many unanswered questions. We should do another season. (cheers) Hey, guys, I got twenty bucks! Atlantis – Season Six.
J – You know, actually, if we can’t afford to do it, we should just do a YouTube video with a bunch of answers. “Todd went off to San Francisco.”
D – And shot (indistinct)
J – “Teyla had three more babies”
D – (falsetto) Circle, circle circle. (normal) Went on to become a big hit – she’s now touring in Europe…with Alphaville.
J – How’re you doing?
Q – I’m good. How’re you?
D – Remember Alphaville? Sorry.
Q – Well, I love you both, but my question is for David.
D – So, you love us both, but you love me more?
Q – I identify with you more.
D – Oh, very good, I’m so sorry for you.
Q – Um, both my daughter and I have a citrus allergy-
D – Do you really have a citrus allergy?
Q – Seriously.
D – I didn’t even know you could have a citrus allergy.
Q – We didn’t either, and when we found out – it’s not a fun thing to have.
D – Should I ask what the symptoms are, or do we not want to know?
Q – Well, your throat swells shut-
D – Oh, you do – you get the whole swelling thing?
Q – Anaphylactic shock, yeah.
D – Seriously? Do you have the little pen? (and jabs his pretend epipen into his non-pretend thigh)
J – I have a lemon here – can we…can we see?
Q – Sure, why not?
D – Just for scientific purposes. Really, so… (someone in the crowd had a lemon, too. I suspect darsynia.)
J – Good one.
D – Wave it around a little! This poor woman-
J – It’s like a hand grenade. (makes whistling ‘incoming ’ sound)
Q – It’s fine that way, but please don’t peel it. (A – I won’t, I promise!) But, we just wondered how did you come up with such an … odd allergy?
D – I didn’t come up with it, they, they…I’m telling you, they write this stuff. I’m just so good it looks like I had it. That was, that’s one of the things that they came up with – which I – that’s very upstairs, that’s those guys. I mean, I’m sure that someone up there had something similar.
J – I wouldn’t be surprised if Brad had a lemon allergy.
D – At the very least, they’re picky eaters. And, um, you know, so – that’s – to me, that’s what I loved about, about Atlantis…and SG-1, as well. Um, you know, it was all the cute little, little character-y bits, which I just really – which just sort of get thrown in there, but, really, to me – add up to a, you know, just a really fun kind of all-around character. And a hell of a lot of lemons.
Q – That happens in our life, as well. We have friends that will show up with, ya know, lemons-
D – A lemon meringue pie!
Q – Yes. Or we go out to eat and they want water with lemon , and so, you know, we have to discourage them. And it was just kind of interesting-
D – Discourage them-
J – That’s why you’re also so neurotic, is that people are trying to get you. I see why you identify with him.
D – Why? What? She’s getting me too?…what are you saying? Well, I’m sor-I’m sorry you got stuck with that…I just get to play it on television, I don’t actually have – although, pineapple does make my lips swell up. (crickets) (announcer voice) And now, the history of the chair. (big laughs)
Q – Come see me. I have an epi with me today.
D – Oh, great. Very good, very good. My epi expired, about 400 years ago…but I still carry it around with me, and they laugh at me when I go through Security. ‘Like, dude, this is, like, says, like ,’86 on it.’ ‘It’s still good!’
J/D – Hello!
Q – Hi. This is a question for both of you.
J/D – Okay/Very wise, very wise.
Q – What was your favorite episode together? (Q is a young kid – 8 to 10)
D – Together? (falls out of his chair) That’s a rock star move! I meant to do that! Our favorite episodes together are the ones we’re not together in. I like the, I always like those episodes where we’re walking through the fields, talking.
J – Oh, yeah. Many fields, all resembling British Columbia.
D – The walk-and-talks in the fields were always funnier, and I enjoyed them.
J – And they were easy for him because he actually doesn’t like fresh air.
D – I don’t!
J – Or, you know, bugs-
D – I say, “Pave Nature”. I’m gonna get a little pin that says “Pave Nature”.
J – We did, let’s see – the funniest one, you know, we made a suggestion to, I made a suggestion to Brad early on-
D- He made a suggestion. I don’t suggest anything.
J – I said that we, we should kinda do a remake of ‘The Road’ shows with Bob Hope. You know – maybe not your time. (clears throat – crowd laughs)
D – You remember them! (Joe laughs)
J – Bing Crosby and Bob Hope, and they would get in these ridiculous adventures, and have to-
D – You know…Bob Hope.
J – Exactly! Bing Crosby? (imitates Bing) Heelllooo. Um, and-
D – Basically, old guys! Basically, we, they, he and I are now old guys, from old guy movies.
J – Being funny. And make young people laugh. But, um – we did, what did we do? We did a couple where, they really did that for a while, where we had a lot of banter back and forth, and then-
D – ‘Cause we’re not good at it. (crowd demures) Banter.
J – So. We didn’t actua-, we didn’t give her a specific answer for her question!
D – I like the one with the little princess girl that we had to save. Mrrao-mrrr, what’s is called? (crowd shouts) Harmony, yes.
J – She was good.
D – I was just testing. She was amazing. She was, actually, I’d have to say, technically the best actor I’ve ever worked with. (Joe’s smile drops off abruptly) Like, technically – she was, like…you know, there are better actors out-
J – That’s because she didn’t flip him off.
D – She would hit her mark every single time. She always knew her lines.
J – She made us look bad.
D – She know our lines, as well. She corrected me on lines. (taking-umbrage voice…then conceding) ‘Young lady…you’re right.’ It was amazing, so I would have to say, I would go with Harmony as one of my favorites.
J – Yeah, that was probably a good one. We’ll go with that.
D – Have you seen Harmony? Yes? No? ‘Cause she’s about your age, I would guess. No, she’s probably a bit younger. (crowd says ‘older’) I’m guessing. Older? How old is she?
J – Is she in Twilight now? She’s a good actress. Well, she probably looks different. She’s probably quite a bit older-
D – I’m guessing she’s grown up. If she hasn’t, then that would be unfortunate. (Joe and crowd laugh) I know – we don’t look any older.
J – See, she wasn’t a kid – she was 35 years old.
D – (as a chain-smoking 35 year old) ‘Okay, give me the script.’ (as Harmony) ‘Hi, I’m Harmony.’ (crowd laughs – Joe falls about in his chair) (back to gravelly) ‘Aw, cut! That was the worst take eveh!’ (to Q) Thank you. (to crowd) Anyone got a smoke?
Q – David, we have a gift for you. (Q is a young girl – 9 to 12)
D – Oh, my god.
J – Oh my god.
D – Why do I get all the gifts? Thank you very much. (walking off stage)
J – That’s what I’m asking.
D –Is it alive?
Q – No, we completed it after we saw A Dog’s Breakfast.
D – Something after you saw A Dog’s Breakfast? Wha- uh, an air sickness bag? (takes the brown paper bag) What is it?
Q – Find out.
D – Can I open it now or do I have to wait for my birthday?
Q – You can open it now.
D – Yeah! It’s, aw, it’s great! It’s the Froot Loops in separate colors! (the crowd goes wild) (thanks her and shakes her hand) How long did it take you to do that? 30 minutes? That took long, too long. thank you very much.
J – That is funny.
D – (walking back) That’s, like, probably – that’s, like, free breakfast for, like, a week. Today is a “Purple” day. Thank you very much! Look at all of my presents. (Joe ruefully nods his head. David gives his presents a Vanna White arm wave, then walks behind the chairs, seeking) Ooh, did yours fall off the-
J – Awright! (only it came out more like ‘Auooghm!’) Yes!
D – (walks a few steps back, then returns and toes Joe’s trophy, trying to knock it over)
J – AH!! (hops up to save his Precious, and drops the handkerchief in his lap. Retrieves it as David comes back around to his seat.)
D – What’s that?
J – (putting hanky in pocket) It’s gonna take me a long time to recover from that.
D – You hold a tissue — what are you, a thousand years old? ‘Uh, excuse me.’ (mock blows his nose into the mike and jams his invisible snot-filled snotrag into a pocket)
J – (pulls it out again, blows [quietly], wipes, and re-pockets) Ahh. I have-
D – The only person I know who has a cloth tissue is, like, my great-grandfather. That’s the most unhygienic thing – there’s germs on that. Germs, germs, germs!
J – (surfer dude voice) Environmentally friendly, man. I’m saving the environment, bro.
D – That is a (makes sounds in lieu of a curse word) Petri dish of terrorism! (crowd and Joe crack up) Basically, an act of terrorism in your pocket. (flinches) And it’s wrong as soon as I say it. (Joe gives his dirty chuckle) (smarmily) Is that an act of terrorism in your pocket…or are you- (he can’t continue – the crowd is rolling – and Joe sits up and reaches for the pocket)
J – (brandishing his pocket Petri) When I want him to leave… (David puts his hands up defensively and does some extreme leaning away) You think lemons are bad? (repeat of brandish & defense/leaning)
D – The plague! The plague!! Maybe it’ll make my hair grow. (to Q) Do you have a serious question?
Q – Um, favorite class-
D – Hey, “Default Setting – Sarcastic”…I like that! That’s what her t-shirt says. For those-
J – He can read.
D – -of you who can’t read.
Q – Favorite class in high school or college, and which one were you happy to sleep through?
D – I’m going to go opposite of that. I slept through all of them, except… I always liked English class ‘cause I really like reading the books. But then, they wanted you to write about them. Why would you spoil a perfectly good book by making me write about it? I just would go and find other books by the authors I like, and read them, too, instead of doing the essay. Uh, I, I was so bad in school – I hated all of it, you know? And I regret it now, because there’s so many things that I wish I could’ve gone on to learn more about. (PSA voice) So, kids, stay in school. But, seriously, one of the thi- as a kid it’s so hard to have people tell you you should stay in school, ‘cause at the time I just wanted – I was, like, well, I’m going to be an actor. I don’t need to learn these things, I can just pretend to know them! (crowd and Joe laugh) You know, and I remember my Economics teacher saying, like, (in a Daffy Duck-like voice) “Wait ‘til you get a tax return! As a very famous actor and making lots money and the Tax Department comes to you and asks you to do your accounts. If you don’t understand this, what are you going to do, Mr. Hewlett? What are you going to do, Mr. Hewlett? It’s going to hang around your neck like a stone on the neck of the albatross.” And I was, like, “Well, I’d hire an accountant, dude.” (big laugh) But the reality is, I do wish, you don’t know what you’re going to want to know about, when you’re older. And as you get older, you want to know more and more things, and if you don’t have that background, you can’t go – that’s not open to you, and I miss that a lot. I read a lot of …For Dummies books. But my favorite class was definitely English, I love – I just love books. I love ‘em.
J – I liked English and History. I could actually, it was the only thing I actually could do, was read and write my way out of problems. But I couldn’t do-
D – La di da di do (Joe chuckles)
J – -the math and science. The math and science I had a little harder time with, for sure. And I did get a large Geometry book thrown at me – by the teacher, once -that did make contact. Yeah, and he felt really bad after it hit me, too, you could tell. I don’t think he meant to – he was just so mad because I was asleep. Gah!! (mimes throwing) It hit, it went (contact sound, then Joe sits up – awake now) Ohhh! Um, yeah. I was the bane of many teachers’ existence. They will, still, regale you with their stories of Joe. Just, like, horror stories for their other kids… “And, then, Joe did this.” Uh, and, you know, I would get myself into a lot of trouble. And, I remember, for example, once my, the janitor came out-
D – He was teaching, what? Life? Geometry?
J – He came up, and, uh, the school was flooding. There was water, that came down the hallway and started going into the classrooms.-
D – This is not a good janitor.
J – And he, he didn’t even, he didn’t even bother, he came in with such, like, this defeated face, but he just walked into our class and he goes, “Can I see Joe and Chris, please?” And we just got up like it was, like we’d been through this before – and, yeah, we were the guys who flooded the school. It was, you know, it’s true – we thought it was pretty funny. Um, so again – trouble to be had. And, then, uh – but we… If I got into trouble, so what? My favorite little gimmick was, well, I wasn’t doing the homework, so finally they said – ‘You’re leaving the class with the books, and by the time you get from class to the parking lot, your parents are going to see the books, ‘cause we sent them a memo, that says that you have homework. Well, they didn’t realize there was a garbage can. And, so, my buddy Chris and I would, like, walk out and be, like, (donk) and throw them in the garbage can. Get to the parking lot, and, of course, we didn’t have any books. This went on for, like, a month, and everything was working out just wonderfully, until they changed the garbage schedule. So, when we got back the next morning, we’d take the books out of the garbage, and go back in the class with the books, but, one day they were gone. So our foil was, uh, uncovered.
D – I just remember the math books – when you went, you went from the math books that didn’t have the answers in the back to the ones that had the answers in the back. I remember the first day in class going, “Guys, guys! Look in the back of the book! I got the teacher’s one!” (thumbs up) I was so excited, I thought, like, this is it! I’m done for the whole season. I mean, whatever it’s called. And I thought I had – I’m, like, “I’ve got the wrong book!” Sad. So sad. “How did you work it out” “It’s in the back of the book. I just wrote that answer down. That’s what you want me to do.”
J – I, I, obviously regaling everybody with our high aspirations, deep academic inclinations…yeah. Hello.
Q – What was it like working with (indistinct)?
D – Which I was working with what?
Q – Amanda Tapping.
D – Ah, Amanda. She is, I still say it, she’s the reason why McKay is who McKay is. ‘Cause she, you know, was just so welcoming and lovely when I did that episode of SG:1 that, I, …if it had been another actress, you know, they don’t have to be that nice to you. Often you go on a set as a guest star and they don’t, you know – they, they just ‘Yeah, yeah, whatever. Say your lines’ and off they go. She was just so welcoming and, you know, helped me work stuff out, and-
J – Just don’t ask her what it was like working with Hewlett.
D – ‘Who?’ So, um, I just loved it, and she really is, she’s a one of a kind. She’s just-
J – She’s unperturbable. She’s, uh, you know, one of those incredibly affable – you know, it’s hard. I tried desperately to mess with her, and I couldn’t do it. Frustrating. I was, like, ‘God, she’s gotta have a weakness somewhere – I’ll find it. I’ll exploit it. I’ll make her crazy.’ No way. She was, “Hi!” “Hi, Joe!”
D – She’s just an absolute professional. Unbelievable. I mean, it’s just… She really liked me, and, also, just as an actress – she’s somehow managed to keep a career going. Because in this, in this industry it’s not an industry that’s kind to women, in any way, shape, or form. And she’s just been so smart about it – she’s unstoppable. The unstoppable Amanda Tapping.
J – Hello.
Q – Hello. I have a question for each of you.
D – A DeLorean and a Tardis? (Q is grammarwoman)
Q – A DeLorean runs into the Tardis.
D – Ah. I see.
Q – It’s a Woot shirt.
D – It’s a what?
Q – A Woot shirt.
D – A Woot shirt? What’s a Woot? (someone hoots) I take it back.
Q – Okay, so – for Joe (David drops his head back and closes his eyes in exasperation), do you ever wish that they had explored Sheppard’s connection to Atlantis? (Joe misses the question through pulling out his hanky and waving it in David’s face)
J – Sorry, what? Explore what?
Q – Sheppard’s connection to Atlantis through his Ancient gene, more?
J – Yeah, no, we could’ve done a lot more of those stories, ‘cause Atlantis was massive city, right? And why aren’t we exploring this massive city? Well, it wasn’t that massive.
D – ‘Cause they hadn’t built it. (Joe nods) Joe! Joe, it’s not real. (indistinct)
J – (stoner voice) What’re you talkin’ about, man? This place is huuuge! Um-
D – Where the hell’s the bathroom?!
J – We did joke that there, that they built no bathrooms in Atlantis. It’s very odd.
D – Just pee into the gate. And then flush. (Joe makes a flushing sound) Ka-woosh!
J – It’s a low-flow toilet.
D – The most expensive toilet in the universe.
J – How’s the other side of that wormhole? ‘Look, it’s higher life forms.’ (mimes getting the flush across the face, shaking it off, and wiping his face)
D – Somewhere in a field in British Columbia … there’s a whole lotta – anyway! (big laugh)
Q – And, then, for David-
D – Thank you!
Q – -who would you line up for at a convention and what would you want to ask them?
D – (ponders) Who would you line up for at a convention and what would you want to ask for?
Crowd – Ask them!
D – Oh, ask? Ooh, I’m sorry.
J – He’s a stalker, too.
D – I was gonna, I’d ask for money. Hmm, I, that’s really tough. It would have to be Tom Baker. And what would I ask him? “Would you like a jellybaby?” Like he’s never got that, I’m sure. I don’t know – that’s interesting. I mean, as a kid I got Darth Vader and C3PO’s signature. Um, you know, but, they didn’t, conventions weren’t – they hadn’t really sorted that out, when I was, back I was a child. Um, nowadays, I don’t know – probably Robert Pattinson. Ask him for, like, his hair trimmer. Why they don’t put makeup all over his face? Just, white face – just a white-faced little man.
J – What about Chuck Campbell?
D – (revelation face) I’d go see Chuck.
J – I’d go see Chuck. Everybody’s like, ‘Who is it?’ You said … The Chucknician – we called him Chucknician.
D – He was fantastic.
J – Started as an extra, and he kept doing some lines-
D – He’s amazing! He’s a great, just – he’s, like, a funny guy!
J – He does a good Joe imitation. (crowd murmurs agreement) (sotto voce) Bastard.
D – Who doesn’t do a good Joe imitation?
J – (to Q) How are you?
D – (to ex-Q) Thank you.
Q – What do you have coming up?
D – I’m in my ‘monk’ phase, having just done Evil Snow Monkeys in Bulgaria, and … another movie that might have monkeys in them, which, uh – yeah. So, I’ve been monkeyed out. The Bulgarian movie I’m not sure. I directed than, I had a role in that, and they’re in post-production on that. I’m doing some work on that in LA, I’m not sure when it – it’s probably going to be a good year on that. And Rise of the Apes I think is scheduled to come out the middle of next year. Uh, Rise of the Apes which I might be in – so, for which they made me sign non-disclosures at every … basically, whenever I got handed sides, I would have to sign something saying that I wouldn’t say that I’d just got sides. And all the scripts have my name on them. Well, the ones that they gave me, anyway. ‘Wow, I feel so important! All, the scripts have my name…in them. I must have a really big role.’ Nope, they just, they watermark them all.
J – And you know why they do that … because they’ve [heard stories?] about David Hewlett.
D – “Hey! It’s not MY script!”
Q – And your upcoming roles, Joe?
J – Let’s see, what do I have-
D – It was that felony, wasn’t it?
J – Yes. I’m up for parole. Um, no – the movie, I did a movie with Hal Holbrook, Robert Patrick, and – who else is in it? Robert Englund, Christian Kane- (crowd hoots)
D – Who? Who is that?
J – He’s in Leverage.
D – What?
J – Leverage. And, that – we hope will come out-
D – in July
J – -sometime early next year. Then, uh, I just did a movie in Ireland, which was only slightly better than the snow monkey movie. Um, but that was a lot of fun. And, um, I play a Marine Colonel…who gets trapped in another dimension.
D – How on earth did you do that? That’s a stretch for you.
J – Yes, and it was very Stargate-like – so some people may like that because it is…somewhat reminiscent of our world – Stargate. And then, I’m going to do a two hour movie/pilot where I play an Air Force pilot, but I don’t get to save the universe. Instead, I get to raise four adopted children – which is much harder. I, uh, the – let’s see who’s in it…the one lady from the – Brooke White, who’s American Idol girl, plays my wife. Why? She’s half my age – this’ll work out real well.
D – No, Joe! Half? C’mon, now!
J – Thanks, David.
D – It’s a quarter. (laughter) She actually looks like his daughter. I find it very, wildly unappropriate. Or, even – inappropriate, depending or not on if you want a-
J – It’s a good premise, it’s a good script, and, uh, we hope that it turns out well. I mean, that would theoretically evolve into a tv series. Um, but then, again, it may not. A lot of pilots don’t get picked up.
D – Especially if they got Joe in ‘em.
J – (chuckles) They’re, uh…I’ll kill him later. And, so, we’ll see. And the odds of us revisiting, uh, you know, a science-fiction related series are still pretty strong.
Q – Thank you.
J – Thank you.
Q – I’m sorry, David, this one’s for Joe.
D – [something about it’s no better than GateWorld?]
Q – Joe, one of the very first credited gigs that you had was back in 1994, for a video game that I actually owned, called Surgical Strike-
J – What’s is called? Surgical Strike?
D – It’s, like, some doctors that have to do something?
Q – It was on the Sega cd-
D – Oh, Sega! (a la the commercial) SEGA!!
Q – -my question being, compared to once you got roles in Sisters and Profiler, what was the production like on a project like that, as opposed to something more mainstream.
J – Actually, the budget’s pretty high on those kinds of things. Yeah, those video games, they pump a lot on money into them. So they’re not cutting any corners. It’s, in some ways like shooting a series, but the only thing is, it’s not quite as satisfying because you’re just repeating scenarios, a lot of times. And, uh-
D – “Let’s go left.” “Let’s go left!” “Let’s go right.” “Let’s go right!” “Let’s go forward!” “Let’s go forward.” (defeated tone) “Let’s go back.” (sigh) Make up your frikkin’ mind! (to Joe) I could do it!
J – (nods) But, I gotta tell you, though, I’ve been in discussion with these two people (holds up two fingers) about doing video games, (David apes it) because I like the idea of doing a video game.
D – Yeah! Yeah!
J – I like the idea of being a video character-
D – Yeah! Yeah! (more vociferous, nodding at Joe and at Q)
J – -I think that’d be kind of cool. Some of the actors kinda get freaked out by it-
D – Not me! Not me!
J – -but I was, like…(trails off in the face of David’s very enthusiastic face) So, um, and, I, I don’t know, I think video games are entirely cool. It’s just, the whole model’s been turned upside down, because originally, it was, like, a successful series or movie – we’ll make a video game. Well, now it’s the opposite. Because video games don’t need the movie business anymore. They make so much money on their own-
D – They make more money!
J – Much more money. Yeah, they’re making – it’s a killer business. So, uh-
Q – And if you ever get a chance to go back and actually see it online, it’s ironic. The game was made back in 1994, and it was done by a company called Stargate Studios.
D/J – Really!/Reeaally? But why would they-
D – You are such a nerd. (crowd laughs and claps) And you know I mean that as a compliment.
Q – (something about Twitter)
D – Oh, yes. Joe’s on Twitter. For gods sakes, get over it, people! I’ve been there for years! I’ve been in, I’ve been… (splutters to a stop) I’m sorry, you had a question?
J – I’d like to thank David for helping me get on Twitter, but anyways. Go ahead.
Q – You have in your bio about being a failed model. Are you?
D – Well, look at him! He doesn’t have to write that down. (Joe makes Blue Steel)
J – (a la Zoolander) Well, you know. This is my Blue Steel-
D – Is that your mouth?
J – Actually, you know what? That’s my Zoolander, a little. (to David) That’s not good?
D – (shaking his head) Not good. Your lips do a weird thing when you do that.
J – The…abo-digitals…? (to David) Help?
D – (stoner model voice) Oh. Gulagee. The eulagogy? (yule-ah-gah-gee) I’m only here for a eulagogy?
J – Yeah, that was pretty much a joke. I guess it wasn’t very funny. I never modeled, but I would if I could.
Q – But you did do a Pepsi commercial, with-
J – Well, yeah-
D – You did a Pepsi commercial?! Were you the little doggie?
J – That was Pepsi, pal.
D – Oh, Pepsi.
J – Pepsi
D – Oh, yeah, with Cindy Crawford. Whatever! Who’s heard of her?!
J – That’s how I got my SAG card. I think I said, (breathlessly) “Would you like a movie? Cindy?” I don’t even know, I can’t remember what it was, but, um, it was, I did a bunch of commercials. Commercials are a great to pay, you know, my bills. (to David) She walked through…‘Watch the wall!’ Told ya I’m not crazy. Okay, um, yes. So commercials are good. You know, they treat you relatively well – they’re just not that film.
Q – So you never modeled?
J – What’s that?
Q – (repeats)
J – Never, I was never a model-
D – Let’s be clear. Joe was never a model. (Joe sighs and shakes his head) I was a “Before” model. I did a lot of ‘before’. You know, they always made me stand in front of the dullest backgrounds. And they’d never let you look happy. You notice that? They’re always miserable looking, and then, suddenly, when they’ve got someone else’s body attached to that head, they look so happy.
J – No, I didn’t, I didn’t. You’ve forced me into a corner, I’ve got – I’ve never been a model. (sniff and sad!Joe face)
D – There’s still time.
J – I-
D – Depends is looking for a new spokesperson.
J – (to Q) Hi, how are you?
D – (as spokesperson) I love the security that Depends….gives me. (contented guy peeing!face in the pause) (Joe and crowd crack up) (David laughs) I just made that up!
J – Yeah, I know you did. The sad thing is, you’re going to be doing them, shortly.
D – I just got hired!
J – How are you doing?
Q – Hi. My question is for David – sorry, Joe. But in the episode where you have the girl caught in your head, how man, how long did it take you to memorize the scene where you’re argue with yourself?
D – Oh, my god, like, forever. I, like, literally – my weekends were spent talking to myself. It’s not … that different than every weekend, but, you know. And my wife has learned to tune that out. She thought I was running lines. Yeah, uh, forever. Forever. Like, it’s just, it, it’s, yeah… It was, and it was great, it was fantastic, it was the kind of opportunity you get, like, once in a lifetime. Um, but, uh, at the same time it’s just, yeah – learning that many lines is insane, it’s insane. And, plus, you know, the way we shoot – we’re shooting so bloody fast, that it’s like, ‘Great! You got some of the lines right and you were standing partially in camera…perfect, let’s move on!’ Yeah, definitely, lots of – I have to look at things over and o-, like, to the, until – if I don’t have it totally memorized the day that I show up, I am in soo much trouble. So, I live in fear of – I have nightmares, I still have nightmares about getting on set and going (deer in headlights, morphing into fish gasping for air) ‘Line?’
J – You know what could happen in, there’ll be this flood, this unrelenting diatribe of, of, of old Stargate dialogue that’s going to come out, next, next film you’re on.
D – [that could generate anything!] ‘What are you talking about?’
J – ‘This is Planet of the Apes, pal – what’s going on?
Q – Thank you.
D – Thank you.
Q – Who’s the-
J – Who’s the? He’s the jerk!
Q – Are you considered the Mr. Fixit around the house?
(Joe points to David and himself, asking who the question is for)
D – Who, me?! My wife takes power tools away from me. I’m not allowed to do anything, I clear nothing. I always say, like, you know, well – demolition is really just breaking things, Honey, and how hard can that be? And, then it’s, you just get that blank look of, like – and, then all of a sudden there’s someone wrecking your house for you. Not me.
J – I do a lot of fixing because my three boys, they do a lot of demolition work. And then when I fix things I make them say, “Isn’t that the greatest Daddy in the world? Or the smartest Daddy in the world? Now say it twice.” Uh, and, if it is a, (David waves at somebody) good fore-mew-a-laa (it’s ‘formula’, but he said it funky and rising at the end, while trying to block David’s wave). So, anyway – so, um…yeah, no, I try to fix things as much as I can. Whatever.
D – My son does a better job of fixing things than I do. My son will come in and reorganize the room after I’ve been in it. He’s two. “No, Daddy. No, Daddy.” And things get piled up. I’m, like, “Jesus, you’re your mother’s son.” What did you get of me? And then he’ll start doing, like, a fake death sequence and you go, Oh, that part. That’ll be useful. “Look, Daddy. I fell down the stairs.” (sound effects for the fall) I said, “Baz, you’re just supposed to pretend to fall down the stairs.” It’s my favorite, he went to school, like, one of the first days of school, he shows up and they’re like, “What’d you do this weekend?” “I fell down the stairs and Daddy couldn’t catch me in time.” I’m, like… (shrug and a David face). The best one was when my little sister, who’s the … most uptight Hewlett, believe it or not, um. Jenny, and she took her kid to school, which is in London, England, and they were talking about, you know, let’s do ‘What’s Mommy look like when she’s happy?’ (happy face), ‘What’s Mommy look like when she’s sad?’ (sad face), ‘What’s Mommy look like when she’s angry?’ (gesticulations and a mouthed ‘Fucker!’) And the teacher’s, like… (agog). Side topic.
Q – Hello. I have enjoyed A Dog’s Breakfast often-
D – Oh, thank you very much. That’s A Dog’s Breakfast, a film that I’m so (indistinct)
J – Thank you.
Q – This question is for both of you. Will you guys be on either Sanctuary or SG: Universe at all, any time soon?
D – Way to bring up the old paper cut and pour lemon juice on it. I’m actually going to do an SG:U episode in September. (crowd cheers) (why?) I read it on the plane. Not a happy show – nobody’s very happy on that show. But, as a result – I’m sitting down and actually doing the homework. I’m actually, I’m watching all the episodes now. That’s my, ‘Oh, honey, I can’t – I’ve got to watch television’. Try that one! So, yes. And Sanctuary, I’d love to. I just gotta…something-
J – He’s just gotta get invited.
D – (laughing) Just gotta get invited. Someone’s gotta … ask me to do it.
J – No, no – I don’t expect to be invited on SG: U … especially after Hewlett.
D – There will be no SG: U.
J – There will be nothing left. Um, but, no, I mean, fortunately I’m, you know, busy doing other things. But, uh, I don’t know. It’s a different show-
D – I’m the only one available.
J – It’s a very different show, so I don’t know how much I’d fit in, I guess. So-
D – That’s my fear, as well. Mckay just seems so completely different from the world that they’ve established so far, so I, it’s interesting to see how they’ve put him in [something]. I think you’ll get a kick out of it. I think it’s true to both worlds, I think, from what I’ve read. But I also have to catch up on the shows, since I don’t know how anybody is.
J – Would you rather see us on SG: U, or Atlantis? (Atlantis, overwhelmingly)
D – Oh, no leading questions there, Your Honor. (high voice) ‘You’re out of order!’ I was kinda hoping that, you know, they’d bring McKay over – maybe they’ll start bringing everybody over, and we’ll just make it, like, SG: U & Me.
J – They’re gonna need to do something.
D – You and Me, get it?
J – They’ve gotta be in bad shape if they’re asking you to come.
D – My first thought was, like, “Oh, God, help them!”
J – How you doin’, cowboy?
Q – Hi, there
D – I love that hat.
Q – What was your least favorite acting job that you’ve had?
J – Least favorite what?
D – Acting job?
J – Well-
D – Other, other than working with Joe, you mean? Like, ever?
J – I did a commercial once that I really hated doing. It was a Gillette commercial, and … you had to shave, obviously. And, I’m shaving, and I’m, like-
D/J – Was this the body hair (?) one?/(high voice) Gosh, this hurts.
J – Yeah, really! (mimes shaving his back)
D – That new body? ‘Man Grooming’ from Gillette?
J – So, there I am shaving, and it’s kinda starting to hurt a little, and I say to the prop guy, you know, ‘What’s going on here?’ and he goes, ‘Well, I dulled the blades. They should be fine.’ I said, ‘For chrissakes, you dulled the blades?!’ It took, like, a week and a half. My face was, like, (puffs out his cheeks). I mean, it, it didn’t go good – and the director and the, um, kinda, it’s not really directed. Commercials have directors sometimes, but often you get executives from the company, trying to direct, also. So, they would be, like, ‘Act, uh…act better.’ (shaves faster, and more vociferously) ‘No. More…manly!’ (harder strokes,squinched up face) It’s, it’s sad. It is sad, but you have to do it.
D – Mine was a commercial, as well – same thing. I did a – get this – in Canada, I don’t know if you have this here, they have this stuff called Clamato. (groans from those unfortunate enough to have been exposed to the vile substance) Which is the ingenious idea of putting clam juice in tomato juice together into a beverage. And, I did a commercial for Clamato. And, I, uh – full 80s attitude; hair and weird little monkey suit thing that I had on. And, uh-
J – Already the monkey.
D – And this poor director was, like, ‘Agh. I-’ I did nothing, like, I, literally, walked by the camera, and he just kept coming to me, going, like, ‘I just think you should look happy to be here.’ And I’m, like, ‘I thought I was.’ ‘It’s not reading at all.’ And, which, of course, then it makes – you spiral into that thing, like ‘I don’t look happy’ (happy/sad/drifting into puzzled mania face). You know? And I might by … allergic to clams, you know. And the entire time I’m (indistinct) the props guy, ‘cause the ice cubes were worth more than I was. And the ice cubes they put in these things, they had these, like, things made out of, like, diamonds or something, so they looked like the best, the best ice cubes you could ever have, they never melted, you know. And I was just, like, so terrified of, like, breaking them or something. ‘Look happier!’ (worried/happy-like face)
J – Needless to say, they never asked him to do another Clamato commercial.
D – And stocks of Clamato plummeted.
A – Without the vodka
D – Without the vodka. Well, that was the deal – they kept saying, joking, ‘Pretend there’s vodka in it’. I’m going, ‘Pretending? I’ll give you happy – give me the bloody vodka!’ Nobody drinks this without vodka in it!
Q – Who is the prankster on the Atlantis set?
D – Flanigan! (Joe shakes his head) I don’t, because I have respect for my fellow workers.
J – Uh, I gotta blame Jason a little bit, for my problems. He, he egged me on. He was a bad … cohort.
D – Mamoa is relentless. Like, absolutely relentless. He, I can’t, like, he’s got more balls to do stuff that I would never — (high pitched) Who’s leaving? I won’t mention Mamoa again. Yeah, he’s just, he’s, he’s got no fear. Has no fear at all. But you’re, you look that good…you’re not scared of anything.
J – No, he did. He, he, but, yeah, he’s pretty funny that way. But we pulled some pretty damn good pranks; um, sometimes on our own, sometimes with Jason. You, you didn’t pull a lot of pranks.
D – No. Because I am the (indistinct). I was too busy talking to myself. ‘I’m running out of time – I can’t remember my lines.’ Ha-ha! Funny, funny joke. I’m the C3PO of the Stargate world. (as C3PO) I don’t think that’s a very good idea! (indistinct – Biden Biden?)
J – Yeah, I can’t really tell. Some of the pranks we did are not really family oriented.
D – None of the pranks you did were family oriented. (Joe looks well pleased with himself) And, in some states, probably illegal. I know, because I looked up the criminal code…made some anonymous tips.
J – Yes, it might, it might be a good thing that the show actually ended, because Year Six would’ve just brought it up to another level, of criminality. Hello. Anyways – I don’t think you’re going to ask a question, no.
D – I just got the throat [signal?]. There’s either someone threatening my life, or we’re going to say goodbye now. Thank you very, very much.
J – Thanks!