Chapter 3
Author: Ellen
Rating: NC-17 (overall story)
Spoilers: none
Summary: Angel, Cordelia and Doyle begin to realize some of the further implications of their bond.
Disclaimer: They're not mine. If they were mine, Angel could go safely into the sun, Doyle would be a millionaire and Cordelia would be a famous movie star. And they would be together.
Thoughts between Angel, Doyle and Cordelia are marked //like this.//
//Had a bit too much last night, Doyle?// Cordelia asked with sarcastic sweetness as she and Angel felt a groan enter their minds.
Cordelia and Angel were sitting in the kitchen, having breakfast, while Doyle remained sprawled in Angel's bed. //Not funny, princess,// he sent back weakly. //Not at all.//
//I don't think you can blame the Powers that Be for that headache,// Angel sent back, without much sympathy.
//Uhhh. I don't suppose that little trick you did with Cordy's foot would work with a hangover?// Doyle thought hopefully, wincing.
//Can we say 'enabling'?// Cordelia chided.
//You've been livin' in L.A. too long, darlin',// Doyle sent through his pain. //Startin' to sound like you belong here.//
Angel got up from the table and Cordelia objected. //If you cure his headache, it'll just encourage him to get drunk more.//
//He does anyway,// Angel responded with a sigh. //Besides, I'd like to find out myself whether it works.//
//I'd be eternally grateful,// Doyle coaxed.
Cordelia was indignant. //Wait a minute. You're already eternally grateful. Next to coming back from the dead, a hangover cure gets a little pathetic by comparison.//
//Can't argue the point,// Doyle conceded, as Angel sat down on the edge of the bed. As soon as his cool hands touched Doyle's face, Doyle began to sigh with relief and Angel laughed.
//I haven't done anything yet.//
//As soon as you touch me, it helps.//
//Like our visions, how it hurts less when we're touching?// Cordelia asked, intrigued. Abandoning her breakfast, she walked over to the bed also.
//Yeah.//
Curious, she stood beside the bed, watching Angel gently holding Doyle. //What if I touched both of you while Angel does whatever it is he's doing?//
Angel regarded her thoughtfully. //Couldn't hurt. Let's try it.//
Cordelia put one hand on Doyle's leg and the other on Angel's shoulder. Immediately, she felt a prickle of energy.
//There's... something. I don't know what it is.//
//Cordelia, I'm going to be pulling some energy from you. It may feel strange,// Angel sent.
//You know what's happening, don't you? Tell us,// Cordelia challenged.
//Can he fix my headache first?// Doyle pleaded.
//Well, right after, then.//
//I think I know,// Angel answered. //But I'll find out for sure in a few moments.//
Cordelia felt the same tingling that she'd had in her foot the night before. This time, though, it was moving from her and from Angel, into Doyle. She could feel Angel gathering up some kind of energy from both of them and pouring it into Doyle, who lay back with his eyes closed, absorbing it hungrily.
//Ah, gods, that's good. Nothin' like when the pain starts to ease up...//
//To make you want to do it all over again,// Cordelia finished for him.
//Don't,// Angel warned. The flicker of anger that she was feeling was coloring the energy that was flowing between them and Doyle winced again.
//Sorry,// Cordelia thought, frightened at the idea that she could be hurting Doyle. She leaned forward, contrite, with a sudden flood of love and concern. //I love you so much, Doyle,// she sent, the intensity of it washing through Angel, through the bond. //Please, I don't want you hurt.//
//Wow.// Doyle opened his eyes, amazed. Cordelia's outpouring, enhanced by Angel's concentration, was filling his body with the most wonderful buzz of soothing comfort, like a vibrating white light. In a moment, his headache was completely gone.
Cordelia felt his blissful relief and her heart seemed to leap with joy. //Oh, yes!//
//You did it, Cordelia,// Angel realized. //I helped but you did it.//
Cordelia jumped on the bed to hug Doyle, now that it would no longer hurt and reached back to pull Angel into her hug. The three of them rolled on the bed together for a moment, laughing.
//It works! It works!//
Knowing that the pain was gone now and it was safe, Cordelia slapped Doyle lightly on the cheek. //Don't think you've got yourself a better reason to get more hangovers!//
//I think I just found something even better than a Billy D,// he teased back and she scowled indignantly.
//That's no kind of a compliment! Those things are awful!//
//While you, my darlin', are awe-inspirin'.// He kissed her, just affectionately at first and then, as she threw her arms around him, more insistently. //Oh yeah, much better.//
She broke loose from his mouth only to cover his face with demanding kisses. Angel stayed back for the moment, watching them.
//I thought you wanted the explanation right away,// Angel pointed out to her and she thought back, //Shut up and join us. Explain after.//
//Your wish is my command.//
Not too long after, as the three of them still lay intertwined with one another, Cordelia prompted: //Okay, that explanation now.//
Amused, Angel complied.
//I've been wondering for some time about what else we can do when we share power, whether we can heal each other, too. But I wasn't going to hurt any one of us just to find out.//
//We managed that just fine on our own, luv,// Doyle commented.
//Hey, speak for yourself!// Cordelia objected. //Mine was an accident.//
//Do you want to squabble or talk?//
Cordelia rolled over with an exasperated sigh and kissed Angel hard enough to hurt, not bothering to hold back as she often did with Doyle. //OK, talk.//
Doyle caught Cordelia's thought. //You hold back with me?//
//You bruise so easily,// she sent back, as she broke off from Angel's mouth. Doyle could feel the way her lips tingled from the force of her enthusiasm.
//Gee, thanks,// he thought sarcastically.
//Are we going to talk about this or not?// Angel sent, still enjoying the leftover taste of Cordelia's lips on his. //Because, believe it or not, Cordelia just brought up something related to this healing thing.//
//Which is?//
//Haven't either of you noticed that Cordelia's been getting stronger, physically, I mean?//
//I've never been a wimpy-wuss,// Cordelia protested.
//But you probably never had to worry about leaving bruises when you kissed a guy before. Not that I'm saying — // Angel defended himself quickly, as Cordelia grabbed a pillow and swatted him with it.
//That I kissed so many guys I ought to know? Yeah, sure you're not saying that, sure.//
Pulling the pillow off his face, Angel went on, determined not to be distracted.
//We've all been drawing from each other in little ways, without fully realizing it. I think we're just starting to find out some of the things we really can do with this bond.//
//Yeah, it was spooky when you felt me bleeding last night,// Cordelia put in. //Yucky though, like I'd really want a guy to feel me bleed — //
She stopped suddenly, in utter shock, as a thought occurred to her. //Wait a minute. It's been, what, three months now since Doyle came back?//
Both her lovers saw the thought in her mind. //Y'mean,// Doyle asked awkwardly. //Y'haven't — //
Angel confirmed, realizing it himself at the same time: //She hasn't. We've all been together every night. I wonder why it never occurred to us before?//
//Oh my God,// Cordelia thought in panic. //Am I pregnant?//
//We may be able to find out,// Angel soothed.
//Oh God, I can't wait for one of those test kit things. How can I be pregnant?//
//I'd say it's a bit obvious how, darlin',// Doyle thought, shaken.
//But Angel's a vampire, they can't — //
//I'm not,// Doyle reminded her. //But I don't want to put some part-demon baby through what I went through. I just never thought about usin' any protection. Dammit, I'm no kid, Harry and I were always careful, why didn't I think of that?//
//I don't think you're actually pregnant, Cordelia,// Angel sent reassuringly. //I think what we have here is an effect of the bond.//
//You mean the bond might make me sterile? That's even worse than being pregnant!// Cordelia turned to Doyle. //And don't you dare even suggest what you're thinking about! I love you and I'd be honored to have your baby. Our baby would be beautiful, demon or no demon. We'd all love a little one, forever. Just, not right now!//
//Not ever,// Doyle responded strongly. //Not if I have anything to say about it. How could I do that to you? And how could I ever do that to a child?//
//Wait, Doyle, hold on,// Angel intervened, putting his hand on Doyle's shoulder for emphasis. //I think the reason we never thought about using any birth control may be the very same reason that you're experiencing these changes, Cordelia. And I don't think it's pregnancy.//
//A change of life? No way!// Cordelia protested.
Angel laughed. //Not that kind of change. I think the bond gives us all more control over our bodies than we've actually realized. We've all been going along as though we were just the same as before but we're not the same. Nothing happens in our bodies now unless we want it to happen.//
//You mean, I'd have to want it, to get it?// Cordelia wrinkled her nose.
//That's my guess. And you'd have to want to get pregnant.//
//Well, I do, someday, just not right now.//
Looking at Doyle's pale, still stunned face, she kissed him again, gently and tenderly. //I love you, stupid and I would never, ever get rid of your child. So the kid would be a quarter demon, so what?//
Doyle shook his head. //I couldn't inflict that on an innocent child, to have to live with that. I'm a selfish bastard, I should have thought — //
Cordelia touched his lips with her finger. //Hello in there, are you listening? Do you feel this? You're beautiful and we love you. How could we not love your child?//
//I feel the same,// Angel agreed and Doyle turned to him, shocked.
//How can you say that? Far's I know, you can never be a father. How could it not hurt to see Cordelia have my child, when she can never have yours?//
//First of all, I may be able now, since the bond, I don't know but even if I'm not, it doesn't matter. Doyle, love, when are you going to get it through that thick skull of yours? Don't you know yet what you are to me, as much as Cordelia? Don't you feel it?//
Cordelia rolled aside to let Angel gather Doyle into his arms. //You tell him,// she urged. //Maybe he'll listen to you, he sure doesn't pay enough attention when I tell him.//
Doyle protested, //I pay attention, it's just — //
//It's just that you still can't accept it.// Angel stared into Doyle's eyes, opening his mind as fully as possible, willing the other man to feel the intensity of the love in his mind until Doyle winced beneath the force of it.
//Can y'kill a man with love, Angel? 'Cause you're gettin' damn close to it.//
//If we haven't proved it to you yet, what would convince you? Don't you know how much it hurts us when you think that a life like yours would not be worth living?//
//I didn't mean that.//
//Yes, you did. You meant that a child of yours could never be happy, being part-demon, which tells us that you still don't believe that you can be happy. And that hurts.//
//I am happy. I just don't think I — //
Cordelia interrupted, //You don't think you deserve it? Please! What would convince you? How many times would you have to die screaming and have us drag you back to life before you get it?//
Angel reproved, //That was cruel, Cordelia.//
//Cruel, yeah. But to the point,// Doyle came back shakily. //That's our Cordelia, never mincin' words.//
//Then why can't you believe that we'd love your child as much as we love you?// she demanded.
//Because no matter how much we love him...// Angel began.
//Yeah, I know, I'm supposed to learn to love m'self. How very Southern California,// Doyle sent back bitterly. //I know you two love me. I know that, how can I not? I just don't know why.//
//Let me tell you something, idiot,// Cordelia sent furiously. //There's never been anyone like you and there never will be again.//
//Now that's a mercy.//
//Damn it, if it wouldn't tear my own heart out, I'd kill you for the way you think about yourself,// Cordelia thought in frustration, grabbing both of Doyle's hands in her own. //If anything happened to you again, we wouldn't want to live, even if we could. Do you have any idea how much it hurt us when you died? Do you?//
//I get that part, princess, ease off,// he begged, flinching under her emotional assault.
//What will it take,// she went on, //for you to know how totally and absolutely wonderful you are?//
//I really don't know if I can ever believe that,// he responded reluctantly. //I see how much you love me, I feel it but...//
This time it was Angel's turn to groan aloud. "Doyle..."
The sound of Angel's voice, breaking the long silence, captured Doyle's attention. //I can't feel what you want me to feel, love,// Doyle thought. //But I wish I could, for your sake.//
//Well, I suppose that's a start.//
//Can you want to understand, then?// Cordelia asked. //Can you at least want to know why you're our everything? Because you are.//
//I know. I don't understand. But I will try.//
//That'll have to do for now,// Angel sent, matching his mental caress with a gentle kiss on Doyle's forehead. //For now. In the meantime, let me see if I can find out if Cordelia's really pregnant.//
//Since when do vampires keep pregnancy test kits around?// Cordelia demanded.
//Not a kit. Like I said, there are a lot of things we can do with the bond that we haven't even tried yet. This is one of them.//
Angel put his hand very lightly on Cordelia's belly, not far from the scar that went all the way through to her back and concentrated. Cordelia watched, eyes widening, another thought occurring to her for the first time.
//I don't feel another life, Cordelia,// Angel told her. //And I would. I'm sure I would.//
//You said we can control our bodies, heal each other,// she sent, wondering.
//Yes,// he answered her thought. //We could probably make your scar go away. I'm not sure but I think so.//
Cordelia hesitated, then shook her head. //Not yet. Maybe soon but not yet.//
Doyle smiled. //It's part of you now, isn't it?//
//Yeah, in a scarry sort of way, it is.//
//And you wouldn't be quite you without it any more, right? Like Angel's bad memories, it's part of who you are.//
//Well, yeah.//
//Does that help you some to understand me, 'Delia darlin'?// Doyle asked softly.
For a moment, her mind was blank with incomprehension. Then she thought back slowly, //Like, if you stopped being mad at yourself, you're not sure who you'd be?//
//Got it in one.//
//Well, kind of but...//
//Give me time, my dear ones,// Doyle thought to both of them. //Give me time. Maybe someday I could even deal with the baby thing but not just yet.//
//Not just yet,// Cordelia agreed, //but someday.//
//For now,// Angel thought. //We'll leave it at that.//
