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The journey of a
thousand miles
begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. (Especially if you have
to take the Squash. Just ask Hutch.)
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It's always darkest
before dawn. So
if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to
do it. (Unless you answer your door with your Magnum drawn. Then you
might get all the newspapers! Just ask Hutch.)
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Don't be
irreplaceable. If you can't
be replaced, you can't be promoted. (Which explains why, after all these
years, we're still not lieutenants!)
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No one is listening
until you make a
mistake. (Just ask Dobey.)
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Always remember you're
unique. Just
like everyone else. (Hutch says this is good for your self-esteem. All I
know is it makes me feel good about myself when I hear it.)
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Never test the depth
of the water
with both feet. (Especially if your feet are as big as Hutch's. But
don't say anything. He's self-conscious.)
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It may be that your
sole purpose in
life is simply to serve as a warning to others. (Good examples: Vic
Humphries. Diana Harmon. Hutch's car.)
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It is far more
impressive when
others discover your good qualities without your help. (Though sometimes
it doesn't hurt to give them little hints.)
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If you think nobody
cares if you're
alive, try missing a couple of car payments. (Boy, ain't that the
truth!)
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Before you criticize
someone, you
should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them,
you're a mile away and you have their shoes. (Y'know, when you hear
wisdom like this, it just makes you appreciate all those famous ancient
philosophers even more. Thanks, Uncle Al!)
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If at first you don't
succeed,
skydiving is not for you. (Is that why Hutch won't go with me?)
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Give a man a fish and
he will eat
for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink
beer all day. (Hutch thinks a six pack is a requirement for landing a
fish. I think it would work better if you poured the beer into the
water. Then the fish would get careless. If it was really good beer,
they might even jump in the boat.)
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If you lend someone
$20, and never
see that person again, it was probably worth it. (And cheap!)
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If you tell the truth,
you don't
have to remember anything. (Thanks, Aunt Ruth. Only I'd wished you'd
told me this BEFORE Hutch saw the actual printing and shipping bill for
my zine.)
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Some days you're the
bug, some days
you're the windshield. (Note to self: wash the Torino.)
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Good judgment comes
from bad
experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. (There's
something about this one that doesn't sound like it works.)
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The quickest way to
double your
money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. (What Hutch
tells me to do whenever we get any place that has gambling. There's
something about this one that just doesn't sound like it works, either.)
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A closed mouth gathers
no foot. (And
when your feet are as big as Hutch's-- FROM HUTCH: the major
expert on foot-in-mouth disease in this house is the dispenser of all
this wisdom himself.)
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Duct tape is like the
force. It has
a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together. (But
don't use it for bondage games. Stick to handcuffs. Duct tape is too
hard to get off, and the sticky stuff gets all over the sheets and your
body hair and hurts like crazy coming off. Not that I would know
anything about that personally, that's just what Flamingo tells me.)
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There are two theories
to arguing
with women. Neither one works. (And after living in VenicePlace, I can't
even remember the theories.)
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Generally speaking,
you aren't
learning much when your mouth is moving. (Hutch made me write this.
There's something about this one that just doesn't sound like it works,
either.)
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Experience is
something you don't
get until just after you need it. (Like it'll do you good then!)
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We are born naked,
wet, and hungry.
Then things get worse. (But at least we get to eat great food once we
grow up and don't have to deal with brussel sprouts, and when you're a
grown-up being wet and naked gets to be fun! Just ask
Hutch!) |
