Author's Notes: You have to read the history...please read, it's funny!
DISCLAIMER: Star Wars and all publicly recognisable characters, names and references, etc are the sole property of George Lucas, Lucasfilm Ltd, Lucasarts Inc and 20th Century Fox. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Any other characters, the storyline and the actual story are the property of the author.
Notes:
This is the most lengthy continuous story I have ever written. It was strongly inspired by "The Princess Bride," "The Wedding Singer," and "A Life Less Ordinary." I got the idea while in the car with my sister, driving hopelessly around the ghettos of Wilmington, searching in vain for Target. (Note-- Pronounce it Tar-ZHAY. It's more fun that way.) Some discussion got started about Anakin running away to Naboo, and then I got some goofy idea about a misunderstanding where Anakin thought Amidala was getting married, and ran off to save her. Then, just as laugh, I said "Imagine if she were really getting married..." Well, look where that one led.
The original intentions:
Intention number two kinda dripped away. I had no idea what to do with Westerly. I kept trying to come up with an evil plot, but kept writing as if I had one anyway. Then, one day, I looked at what I'd written, and said "She can't marry him. He's a moron." And somehow that was reason enough. But more on Westerly later.
Intention number one got thrown out of the window before the story was even begun, as evidenced by intention number three. In fact, the final wedding scene was the first thing to get completely planned out... except for the singing. That came later. But all the proclamations of love and stuff were completely written, in my head. I just wouldn't let myself write it, until I actually came to that part. Then something went wrong.
Obi-Wan and Amidala fell in love.
You don't know how annoying this was. The entire point of the final scene was to confuse the heck out of Ami, scare Ani, and torture Obi. How was I supposed to do that when half the stuff Obi-Wan said turned out to be true? In the end, I just had him babble a lot, and go completely over the top, leaving everyone involved (except for Amidala) believing he was in love with her. I hope it turned out okay.
Part One: Say it Ain't So
Title: Weezer. Really, I feel when you start off a story with Weezer, it's
just a good sign. Almost gives the tale a little feng shui, y'know? This, of
course, would allude to Anakin's pathetic misconception.
The story starts off pretty standard. Pretty innocent. Yeah, whatever.
The "Master Mace's barbeque sauce" remark was an in-joke to this ridiculous partial story my sister had written once about Obi-Wan, Yoda and gruel that involved some mention of Mace Windu's Kickass, Mofo, BBQ Bantha Ribs. It also featured Yoda saying the line: "Ahh. Good, this tastes. Flavor you have achieved, Qui-Gon." As a side note, Mace's Ribs eventually got their own story-- "Special Sauce."
Spath and the barmaids are property of my sister. Again, they were made up another unpublished story chunk which involved Anakin trying to find Obi-Wan a date. BTW, there's a lot of crap on our harddrive. A lot. Anyway, that one kinda got ressurrected at "Sofa, So Good," sans Spath. Spath is the man. As a final note, I believe Obi-Wan's conversation with his Jedi senses is my favorite part of the entire story.
Part Two: Here Comes My Girl
Title: Tom Petty song, alluding to Amidala's appearance. I guess.
In which we meet the handmaidens...
The handmaidens were not supposed to take over the story the way they did. Somehow, though, they each developed their own individual personalities, and very quickly. Don't ask me about favorites-- I love them all. Even Rabe. Rabe says "pervert" a lot because I read too much Ranma 1/2 manga.
I make no apologies for the Ric/Eirtae thing. None.
I made up R2-O3.
Captain Panaka showed up, and Amanda and I decided that he is da Man.
Several of the characters discuss Westerly, and he makes his final appearance in the final paragraphs. I didn't really have a solid lock on his character yet-- at this point, he was just sort of based on Prince Humperdinck from "The Princess Bride." Amanda named him. I originally intended to give him a last name, but I could never think of one, and eventually forgot about it. Oops.
Part Three: It's a Mixed-Up, Muddled-Up, Shook-Up World
Title: If anyone knows what this is referring to without these notes, you
win a million brownie points. For those of you who aren't that culturally
aware, it's a line from the Kinks' "Lola"-- the most infamous cross-dressing
song of all time, not to mention one of my favorite songs. Title, of course,
refers to the abject confusion all the characters go through in this part.
Not much happens in this chapter.
Anakin takes to the ducts. A lot of my stories involve ductwork. I'm not sure why.
Westerly shows a little more personality, showing himself to be well-intentioned and somewhat dim. I was getting closer to the mark.
Also, Tare makes her appearance. I sincerely apologize to Candice Orwell, who played Yane in the film. She didn't make it into my story. When I wrote this part, I needed a fifth handmaiden, and couldn't remember her name. I knew there was Sabe, Rabe, Sache and Eirtae. But who was number five? I looked it up in the novelization... no dice. Finally, I gave up and made up the name Tare off the top of my head. Actually, it turned out to be a good idea, because Rabe's entire misunderstanding stems from Sache trying to put in some exposition for Tare. Anyway, by the time I figured out that there WAS a fifth handmaiden, and her name was Yane, I was entirely too attached to Tare to ditch her. So she stayed.
Part Four: If It Makes You Happy
Title: Sheryl Crow song. "If it makes you happy, why the hell are you so
sad?" Fitting, no?
Huh. No real comments on this chapter.
Part Five: 3 a.m.
Title: After the Matchbox 20 song. Pretty self-explanatory.
Part Six: Little White Lies
Title: 1948 song by Dick Haymes. I have it on cd, thank you Grandmom.
Generally referring to the fact that all the characters (well, mostly the
handmaidens) blatantly lie to each other throughout this section.
I believe this was the chapter in which I decided to throw a little Kuno Tatewaki from Ranma 1/2 in Westerly. A better decision I have never made.
Westerly's parents also show up. Wes's mom was based on Dame Judi Dench.
There's some throwaway comment about a bachelor party in here. Amanda kept trying to get me to write it, but I never really found the right spot for it. Besides, I think I just didn't want to go there.
Part Seven: Son of a Jedi Man
Title: Corruption of "Son of a Preacher Man," classic song by Dusty
Springfield. Referring, naturally, to Westerly's little misconception.
I really wanted to get some more mileage out of that "illegitimate child" bit, but it never really came up. Crud.
Wedding gown scene based on the one from "The Wedding Singer." Sort of.
Part Eight: A Life Less Ordinary
Title: Reference to the really great movie starring Cameron Diaz and, oh,
yes, Ewan McGregor, and to the song of the same name, by Ash. I could
listen to that all day. Er, the title is in reference to Obi-Wan and Amidala
out in town, trying to find themselves... well, a life MORE ordinary.
I was puttering along great on the story, until I hit the "Two Days Before the Wedding Point." In order to keep the pacing of the story, I needed to describe the events of the day, but I didn't really have anything to happen. Then Amanda suggested that Obi-Wan drag Amidala out to Theed "to get a pizza or something," in order to cheer her up and celebrate one of her last days of freedom. So they went to Theed. I don't regret this decision at all, even though it was the one which totally screwed Intention Number Three six ways to Sunday.
Part Nine: Every Day is a Winding Road
Title: Another Sheryl Crow song. I'm a big Sheryl fan.
The draga is based on a carriage horse I had occasion to meet while visiting Vienna, Austria, this past January. My friend Gregory decided to pet it on the nose. The horse decided Greg's finger looked tasty. The rest is history. (On a side note, I took a picture three seconds before the horse attacked. It's pretty funny. On a second side note, rumors got back to the States that the Beast had bitten Greg's finger OFF. So when he got back to school, he taped his finger down, wrapped gauze around his hand, and markered it red. Scared the crap out of some people.)
I'm sure this is NOT how Obi-Wan acquired the ol' Ben moniker. But, hey, it makes it really sweet and sad, if you go back and watch A New Hope, doesn't it?
Later on in the chapter, I get carried away with figures of speech, which, IMO, makes for fun reading. (i.e., the bit about Amidala's train of thought)
The SINGING. Okay, somewhere in the middle of writing this story, (um, I think somewhere about part 7) I saw "A Life Less Ordinary." This was a Very Bad Idea, because it subsequently caused me to write Obi- Wan as some sort of cross between Obi-Wan and Robert from ALLO. Oops. I enjoy the new characterization immensely, but, well... Anyway, back to the singing. Ewan McGregor tends to sing in almost every film he's in... "Emma," "A Life Less Ordinary," a teensy bit in "Trainspotting" and I believe he sings in "Velvet Goldmine," though I haven't seen it. So I thought it would be amusing to have Obi-Wan have a little musical ability. The Yoda thing came along naturally, and I make lots of singing references in later stories. I think it's cute.
I made up that Corellian love ballad. Entirely.
Part Ten: I Hope You Had the Time of Your Life
Title: Line from the Green Day song "Good Riddance," basically in
reference to Obi-Wan and Amidala.
The Kuno in Westerly really shines out in this chapter. The more I wrote the guy, the more fun he got. Same with Rabe, who kind of developed along with him.
I clearly state my opinions concerning the Obi-Wan/Amidala age thingie. If this bothers you, just pretend that Nubian years are longer, so she's really about eighteen. There you go!
Westerly's parents show up again. More characters I have entirely too much fun with.
Part Eleven: I Been Downhearted, Baby
Title: Technically, title refers to Obi-Wan. Really, though, it was a cheap
excuse to quote the Primitive Radio Gods. C'mon, doesn't anyone else
remember "Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth with Money in my
Hand"? You know you do. Anyway, "I been downhearted, baby" was the
chorus.
No real comments, except that the first mention of Westerly's sister is made. I have no idea what possessed me to give him a sibling, but it seemed like a Good Idea at the Time.
Part Twelve: No Need for Obi-Wan
Title: A take off the anime series No Need for Tenchi. (Tenchi Muyo in
Japanese) Obi-Wan just kinda wanders aimlessly around the chapter, so I
figured it fit.
Frederica makes her appearance. Thank you, Amanda, for her name. I wasn't really sure where to go with her. I thought about making her similar to her brother. Then I thought about basing her on Kuno Kodachi, again, from Ranma 1/2, to go along with Westerly's Tatewaki. (For those not familiar with the series, Tatchi and 'Dachi are siblings-- both more than a little crazy and definitely overdramatic.) In the end, though, I thought she'd work best as... basically normal. All she wants is to get away from her nutty family. I love bouncing her off Westerly-- their conversations were one of my favorite parts of the story. I think Freddie really ended up as an amalgation of Dianne from "Trainspotting" and Lydia from "Beetlejuice." The unrequited Obi-Wan crush came along naturally, I don't know why. I guess she did end up with a tiny bit of Kodachi in her, after all.
Part Thirteen:
Title:
Oh, sheesh, the shellfish. What was I thinking?
Part Fourteen: Fumbling Towards Ecstasy
Title: From the Sarah McLachlan song. It kinda represents how close
Obi-Wan and Amidala come to admitting their feelings... and missing.
Regarding the paragraph where Amidala goes to Obi-Wan's room, and he's not there... This scene was actually put in later-- I realized that Amidala never really followed up on Sache's advice, so I stuck that in. That scene always makes me sad, because they come SO FRICKIN' CLOSE-- and miss. It's almost Shakespearean, y'know?
Part Fifteen: It's a Nice Day for a White Wedding
Title: A line from the Billy Idol song "White Wedding." We used to sing
this in Physics class all the time, along with several other songs. I enjoyed
physics a lot. Um, the title doesn't really have any deeper meaning. I just
wanted to quote Billy.
The chapter is mostly set-up for the big finale. But it does have the yerknahs.
Part Sixteen: The Musical Art of Self-Defense
Title: This is the title of a Crabmeat Thompson song. I felt it very
appropriate. If any of you out there have heard of Crabmeat, or have any
of his stuff, please, email me. He's a local artist-- does things like
"Poodles from Hell" and "You're the Reason God Made Alcohol." I have an
autographed copy of his "Glory" cd. Of course, it helps that he was my
freshman year English teacher.
I don't know how Qui-Gon got into this chapter. He snuck in when my back was turned.
The song Obi-Wan sings is a foul, evil bastardization of Bobby Darin's "Beyond the Sea." Well, except for the end, where it just deteriorates into Obi-Wan making up random lyrics. I actually changed the real lyrics into something about Padawans growing up to be Jedi Knights, and then changed it BACK to the form you see. Those of you who have seen ALLO will know EXACTLY why I picked this particular song. If you haven't... shame on you! Go rent it!
Well, that's the end. Everything got resolved, and the Star Wars universe emerged, relatively unscathed. At least until the sequel! BWAHAHAHA--koff, hack, wheeze... Ugh. Enough evil laughing.
Um, after I got done, there were a few scenes that, um, didn't make the cut. Most are just gags, one was actually going to go in there, until I deemed it too silly. So, here, I proudly present...
The Lost Scenes
Amidala sighed.
"What's bothering you, m'lady?" Sache asked sympathetically.
"It's this marriage thing. I don't want to marry Westerly, Sache."
"Well... look on the bright side. At least he's not a violent, megalomaniacal, sadistic Dark Lord who chokes people for fun and would try to kill and torture your children."
[Note: If you haven't seen Trainspotting, you WILL NOT get this...]
They walked through the palace hallways, Frederica happily squeezing Obi-Wan's hand. "I don't see why not," she said.
"Because it's illegal," Obi-Wan grumbled.
"Holding hands?" she flirted.
"No, not holding hands."
"In that case you can do it. You were quite happy to do a lot more last night."
"And that's what's illegal. Do you know what they do to people like me inside? They'd cut my balls off and flush them down the toilet."
Frederica sighed dramatically. "Calm down, you're not going to jail."
"Easy for you to say."
"Can I see you again?" Frederica pleaded.
"Certainly not."
Obi-Wan started to walk away.
Frederica grinned. "If you don't see me again, I'll tell Westerly."
Obi-Wan stopped in his tracks, turned and walked toward her for a moment. Then he turned and walked away.
"I'll see you around then!" Frederica called happily.
"Just one... more... fix," Obi-Wan grumbled.
"Explaining you must do, Knight Kenobi."
"Well..."
"The tapes we have seen."
"Tapes?"
"Yes."
"Well, I... I am sorry, Master Yoda. I have brought dishonor to all Jedi. I let my emotions get in the way, and humilated both myself and Queen Amidala."
"Care about that we do not! Singing you were! Still do bar mitzvahs do you?"
Under the cover of darkness, three figures stole out onto the palace lawn.
"Are you sure that we won't get caught?" Obi-Wan hissed.
"I'm the Captain of the Guard," Panaka replied. "Who's gonna catch us?"
"You worry too much," Ric teased. "Here we are!"
One quick shove, and over they went. Obi-Wan found himself laughing hysterically, along with his companions. Ric was right. Yerknah- tipping was a blast.
"I've had enough of this, Kenobi!" Bibble yelled. "I'm reporting to the Council about this."
Obi-Wan scowled. He had one more ace to play. It had better work. "Amidala, you can't marry him-- because I'm bearing your love child. Wait, no-- that's wrong. Dammit, never mind."
The Queen's face became stony as a three-foot-tall mass of dark brown cloak walked into the room, followed by a girl, dressed in the robes of a Nubian handmaiden.
"What is the meaning of this?" the Prime Minister burbled, angry at the interruption.
"My question exactly," the Queen said smoothly.
The shorter of the two pushed back the hood of his cloak. "Greetings, your Majesties. I am Anakin Skywalker, Jedi Padawan and--"
"Making them young these days, are they?" Toraz mused.
"Shh," Mataunia scolded. "What are you doing here, son?"
Anakin sighed. He truly hated this. Deep down, he suspected that Master Yoda was lying, and the Council did not NEED those new La-Z- Boy Reclining Meditation Couches. Stretched for funds, my butt... Anakin thought. Nevertheless, he managed to suck it up and put on his cutest facial expression. "Well, ma'am, on behalf of the Jedi Council, I'm selling delicious Padawan cookies. We have six different varieties, and all the money goes to a good cause."
Toraz sighed happily. "Ahh... Pahku Thins..."
Anakin turned on the charm. After all, he was only six boxes away from his "Entrepreneurship" badge. "If I sell just a few more boxes, I get to go to the Padawan Jamboree! I know I'm not the best in Lightsaber Battling, but I really think I can win the Standing on my Head and Lifting Rocks Competition this year. At least the Junior Division."
Mataunia thought for a moment. "Well, since it's for a good cause..."