DISCLAIMER: Star Wars and all publicly recognisable characters, names and references, etc are the sole property of George Lucas, Lucasfilm Ltd, Lucasarts Inc and 20th Century Fox. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Any other characters, the storyline and the actual story are the property of the author.
Surprisingly enough, the rehearsal had gone well. No one had tripped, Westerly hadn't screwed up his lines and everything had even gone on schedule. A comment had been made by a certain Jocarian princess that the success of the rehearsal was due entirely to the fact that the yerknahs weren't there yet. Of course, even the absence of yerknahs couldn't save the rehearsal dinner.
There is a particular species of shellfish that lives on the planet Naboo. It is considered a rare delicacy, and is quite delicious. Unfortunately, it's also nigh impossible to get out of the shell.
"Got it!" Prince Westerly announced, finally stabbing the small lump of shellfish. As he did, the shell squirted across the room. "Oops."
Amidala just stared at him. She didn't need to say anything.
She didn't need to say anything because Frederica was sitting on the other side of Westerly. "You're such a moron! What's wrong with you?"
"Shut up."
"No. You."
"Frederica, can't you just act like a real princess for once in your miserable little existance?"
Frederica threw a dinner roll at him.
Obi-Wan had needed to switch seats with six different people, but he finally ended up sitting next to Captain Panaka. The Gungans and the handmaidens were just going to have to make due with Governor Bibble tonight.
"Isn't there some sort of security emergency you could come up with?" Obi-Wan whispered. "Just to delay the wedding a little?"
"Nope. Believe me, I considered that. But there's nothing realistic I could say. No one would want to attack this wedding."
"Damn. Maybe we cou--OW!"
"What?"
Obi-Wan looked down at the floor next to his chair. "Someone's throwing those stupid shells around the room." He picked it up.
"Kenobi, you aren't about to do something really un-Jedi-like, are you?"
"Sure am." He hurled the shell across the room. This time, he used the Force to aim.
"So where is Tare, anyway?" Rabe asked. "I haven't seen her for days."
"She... had to go back to her village for a few days," Eirtae lied. "Her grandmother's dying."
"Dying? That's horrible! There must be something we can do!"
"Well, she's... not dying anymore," Sache added.
"Oh? Then why isn't Tare back?"
"She's not dying but she's not all the way healthy yet. She's somewhere in the middle," Eirtae floundered.
"Oh. Maybe we should sent a fruit basket."
"Tare's grandmother is allergic to fruit," Sache said solemnly. "That's why she was dying in the first place. Fruit allergy."
"Fruit allergy? What kind of fruit?"
"All fruit."
"I've never--"
"Shouldn't one of us be relieving Sabe soon?"
"No, she's got ten more minutes. Tell me about this fruit thing."
"OW!"
All three handmaidens stared down the table, where Jar Jar Binks was rubbing his head and glancing around the room confusedly.
"What were we talking about again?" Rabe asked.
"I forget," said Eirtae.
"What if we hired some people to attack the wedding?"
"Kenobi, that is the worst plan ever."
"No, it's not. I've had worse, believe me."
"Well, we're not doing it."
"Fine, if you want to be that w-- OW!"
Panaka snickered. "I told you not to throw that damn thing."
"He's getting it, now," Obi-Wan growled, starting to get out of his chair, and grabbing up the fallen fish shell.
"Jedi, you are not going to spend all night in a food fight with the Gungans, are you? 'Cause if you are, I'm just throwing you in the brig right now."
"Sorry." He sat down again. But as soon as Panaka turned his head, he hurled the shell off in a different direction.
"So, Queen Amidala... tell me, what possessed you to marry my brother?"
"Frederica, for the last time, shut up!"
"Really, though, I'm curious. You've seen him eat. You've heard him speak. He doesn't get any better than this. Frankly, I'm ashamed to be from the same gene pool as him."
"It was a matter of diplomatic relations," Amidala said calmly.
"You aren't even going to defend me?" Westerly exclaimed.
Amidala seemed very interested in her food.
"Ha! I like her, Wes. She deserves better than you, but at least now your kids have a chance of not being total womprats."
"At least I don't dress like some sort of smuggler!"
"At least I can tie my shoes in the morning!"
"At least I don't eat like a yerknah!"
"At least I can spell yerknah!"
"At least-- OW!"
Both Frederica and Amidala watched bemused as the shell bounced off Westerly's forehead and landed on the table.
"Who threw that?"
"I dunno, but I wanna shake their hand," Frederica grinned.
Sabe, standing behind the Queen, blinked a few times. "I think it was Jedi Knight Kenobi..."
"Kenobi!" Westerly snarled. "I'm going to get him!"
"Westerly, please," Amidala said, putting one hand on his arm. "I'm sure it wasn't Obi-Wan. Be realistic. He's a Jedi Knight. You must have missaw, Sabe."
"Probably, m'lady. The lighting isn't very good in here."
"Yeah," Frederica grinned. "'Sides. If you guys got in a fight, he'd kick your--"
"--assigned over thirty guards to various points around the building."
"You just had to do your job so thoroughly, didn't you, Panaka?"
"Unlike you, Jedi, I get paid for keeping the Queen safe, not teachin' some tyke how to get in touch with his inner self."
"It's not teaching Anakin that's hard. It's putting up with him."
"Whatever you say, Je--OW!"
Obi-Wan snickered.
"Dammit," said Westerly. "I missed."
"I told you not the mess with the damn Gungans," Panaka said, pitching the shell across the room again.
"I didn't throw it at the Gungans. I threw it at Westerly."
"Oops."
"So what do you think of those bridesmaid dresses?" Sache asked conversationally.
"Er... they're okay," Eirtae said. "I don't think pink's my color, though."
"They're dusty rose, not pink. And I know orange isn't my color, but I wear it everyday anyway."
"I think the dresses are lovely," Rabe said. "And they compliment the Queen's gown well."
"Yeah, I guess," Eirtae admitted. "But I really think mine makes my butt look big."
"You have problems," Sache giggled.
"OW! OBIWUN!"
"No, he has problems. I just don't like the bridesmaid dresses."
Obi-Wan heard the angered shout, and managed to duck. Panaka, not having Jedi reflexes, was not so lucky.
"OW!"
Obi-Wan caught it as is bounced off his face, and hurled it back at Westerly. "I can't believe he tried to hit me with that thing," he said, shaking his head.
Panaka rubbed his cheek. "Why not? You hit him with it."
"Yes, but he's royalty."
"So? You're a Jedi. Isn't 'solemn' and 'dignified' in the job description somewhere?"
"Fine, I'll admit it. I'm childish. But at least I have good aim."
Westerly scowled when he heard Jar Jar's indignant shout.
"Amidala, I want that man removed. He's ruining the dinner."
"Wes, you were the one who threw the thing at him in the first place," Frederica laughed.
"NOT THE POINT!"
"Then what is the point?"
"I don't know what the point is!"
Suddenly, Amidala's hand darted out in front of his face, and something thunked into it.
"Huh?"
Without a word, she dropped the little shell onto her own plate.
Frederica snickered.
"Are we done, yet?" Amidala asked, not bothering to make eye contact.
"Yes," Westerly said meekly.
"Good."