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NAME: Qui-Gon Jinn
OCCUPATION: Jedi Master
OTHER: I'm not certain why I have to report this way... I'm also not
certain why anyone would be interested in what I've been doing for the
past month, since no one has ever asked me about it. And I'm fairly
certain that I haven't caused any riots or anything recently. Perhaps
the Council uses it for late-night humor reading...
DAY 1: Went to talk to the Chancellor, who spilled soup down the back of the Wookiee ambassador. Minor furniture damage and emergency room care. Went back to Jedi Temple and caught Obi-Wan disassembling comlinks.
DAY 2: Managed to convince Yoda to let us have new comlinks, but he says that these are definitely the last ones and he means it this time. Obi-Wan perfecting ominous cackle. Being sent on a mission to jungle planet tomorrow, with unpronounceable name, which Obi-Wan has to write a hundred times because he wrecked the comlinks.
DAY 3: Spent day on transport watching "Deep Space Nine" reruns. Obi-Wan now obsessed with Jadzia Dax.
DAY 4: Landed on jungle planet and spent half the day waiting for our luggage to be found. Very hot and humid, can't wear robe without destroying deodorant. Trudged through jungle.
DAY 5: Woke up covered in bug bites and itching like crazy. Obi-Wan lost his socks mysteriously during the night, despite his boots still being on his feet. Keeps searching through the underbrush for them while I yell at him to keep moving.
DAY 6: Arrived at capital itchy, sweaty, icky, and minus a pair of socks. Talked to governer and requested a shower, got to a hotel. Something slimy crawled out of the shower, so relocated to different hotel. Obi-Wan bought bug spray.
DAY 7: Went swimming in hotel pool, which was wrecked when Obi-Wan did a cannonball out one of the windows (NOTE FROM OBI-WAN: Sorry!) Spent rest of day watching "Titanic" and "English Patient" and generally sinking into a coma.
DAY 8: Negotiated. Bug bites in remission.
DAY 9: Negotiated. Obi-Wan contracted stomach bug.
DAY 10: Finished negotiations and dragged ill apprentice to the transport. Spent all day watching more "Deep Space Nine" reruns and yelling at the pilot to stop making fast turns.
DAY 11: Dragged Obi-Wan to healers and reported to Council. Master Yoda congratulated us, then said that the pilots are suing the Jedi. Gave us our new assignment, to begin in three days: dealing with a workers striking on Sambas, beautiful planet of multi-tentacled purple carnivores. Yoda told me not to whine.
DAY 12: Dragged Obi-Wan to transport, watched more reruns. Told Obi-Wan that he can't have a Terry Farrell standup. Arrived on Sambas and was bitten by a local. Lots of blood until the ambulance arrived.
DAY 13: Leg healing. Workers have threatened to eat my family if I don't agree.
DAY 14: Leg healing. Employers have threatened to eat my family if I don't agree.
DAY 15: Leg almost healed. Obi-Wan had too much sugar last night and was zipping around the suites like a hyperactive hummingbird. Tried to sleep despite constant pitter-patter outside door.
DAY 16: Obi-Wan slept in till eleven. Leg is hurting, had to hop through lobby to airtaxi. Told both sides that I'm going home in two days whether they've settled their stupid argument or not. Both sides are uniting to attack the Jedi, so my work here is done. Dragged comatose Obi-Wan to overnight transport.
DAY 17: Arrived on Coruscant. Master Yoda didn't say a word, just chased me along the gantryway, waving his stick in a malevolent manner. Retired to room, only to find Obi-Wan hiding a Jadzia Dax standup in my closet. Confiscated standup, despite heartbroken pleas.
DAY 18: Master Yoda on tranquilizers. Spent most of day eating popcorn and watching nature specials about "The Life of Cats." Obi-Wan went jogging and came back with the Chancellor's chihuahua chewing on his boot. Needed a crowbar to get the thing off his leg.
DAY 19: Brought chihuahua back to Chancellor, wearing protective gloves and carrying pepper spray. He groaned and tried to hide under the desk, but thanked me anyway. Coughed loudly when I left.
DAY 20: Sambas representatives are trashing the Jedi in the Senate. Master Yoda repeatedly informing the Council that it's all my fault. Flu season has begun, so half the padawans are sniffling all the time.
DAY 21: The flu spread up to the Council, so half of them are lying in their rooms, demanding chicken soup. Obi-Wan cutting pictures of Terry Farrell from magazines. Master Yoda still on heavy tranquilizers, and is leaviung angry notes pinned to my door.
DAY 22: Obi-Wan catching the flu. Repeatedly getting nasty prank calls that insult my mother, my manners, my morals, and my method of eating eggs.
DAY 23: Watched "Deep Space Nine" reruns with Obi-Wan, ate popcorn, wrote letters to mom.
DAY 24: Flu virus is abating. Being called to Chancellor's office tomorrow, where important issue will be discussed.
DAY 25: Arrive at Chancellor's office with sniffly Obi-Wan in tow. Turns out Chancellor is having his allergic-to-dogs mother-in-law over, and a dogsitter is needed for "Chippie." Being a fearless Jedi Knight, I accepted.
DAY 26: Brought Chippie home, and Obi-Wan begged me half the afternoon to take the creature away. Found three pairs of boots chewed up, and locked Chippie outside. Yapping kept me up half the night.
DAY 27: Chippie attacked Master Yoda in the hallways for his breakfast bar. Had to peel the dog off and reassure Master Yoda that the little beast is going home tomorrow.
DAY 28: Dragged yipping Chippie to Chancellor's office, only to find that he was on vacation. Dragged Chippie back to Jedi Temple and set him loose in the garden. Heard bloodcurdling shrieks from younger padawans.
DAY 29: Chippie destroying furniture. Beginning to feel strange.
DAY 30: Woke up with flu symptoms, and small dog eating my coverlet. Obi-Wan sneaking Terry Farrell standup from my closet. But once I get better and tape Chippie to a post, I have a Chancellor to kill... will report next month, assuming I live that long.
Till next month,
QUI-GON JINN, Jedi Master
CORUSCANT