Author's Notes: Thanks to the members of the Qui-Gon list for their support and utter niceness.
DISCLAIMER: Star Wars and all publicly recognisable characters, names and references, etc are the sole property of George Lucas, Lucasfilm Ltd, Lucasarts Inc and 20th Century Fox. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Any other characters, the storyline and the actual story are the property of the author.
In the Jedi Temple, Yoda is yelling at Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan, who are both dirty and sweaty and looking very unhappy.
YODA: Inexcusable this is!
OBI-WAN: We're sorry, Master Yoda.
YODA: Sorry you may be. Sorry your master is not!
QUI-GON: I can't help not being sorry, can I? I will do what I-
YODA: SILENCE.
Both Jedi fall silent. Suddenly a Padawan runs in, looking nervous.
PADAWAN: Master Yoda, there's someone here to see you.
YODA: Tell them to wait.
PADAWAN: But Master Yoda, it's-
A gravelly, vaguely-female voice comes from off screen.
VOICE: Yoda! Come here you will!
OBI-WAN: (to Qui-Gon) Who's that?
Qui-Gon is snickering too hard to answer. A tiny figure enters the room, MRS. YODA. She looks exactly like Yoda except she has reddish hair pulled up into a high ponytail and a bright flowery dress. The Padawan runs out of the room.
YODA: Honeybun, in middle of reprimanding I am!
MRS. YODA: No excuse that is! Write Christmas thank-you notes you must. Pay taxes you must. Come shopping you will! Need new clothes for children, we do!
OBI-WAN: (beginning to smile) Children?
YODA: A Jedi does not shop.
Obi-Wan begins giggling at this. Qui-Gon can't even look at them anymore, he's giggling so hard.
MRS. YODA: No concern for your family, you have! Twenty-seven children now you have!
Obi-Wan cracks up further, doubling over. A horrible glare from Yoda stops him, but he's still trying not to laugh. Qui-Gon is laughing and holding onto Mace Windu's chair for support.
YODA: Lead the Council I must!
MRS. YODA: No excuse that is!
YODA: Very good excuse it is!
MRS. YODA: Teething the baby is. Need help I do. Come home for a week, you will. Spare you the Council can!
Obi-Wan manages to clear away his tears and sober up sufficiently to speak.
OBI-WAN: She's right, Master. You can go for a week, I'm cert-
YODA: SILENCE.
MRS. YODA: Who is this?
She eyes Obi-Wan.
MRS. YODA: Good-looking he is.
YODA: (suddenly jealous) Good-looking I am!
Obi-Wan suddenly looks alarmed. Qui-Gon cracks up further and hides his face, shedding a few mirthful tears. Mrs. Yoda walks over to Obi-Wan and pinches his leg.
OBI-WAN: Ow!
MRS. YODA: Good legs he has.
YODA: (jealous) Good legs I have!
Qui-Gon keeps cracking up. Obi-Wan gives him a blistering look and continues to look alarmed.
MRS. YODA: Come home with me you will!
Obi-Wan now looks ready to sprint off into the hills. Qui-Gon is still wiping tears from his eyes as Obi-Wan mouths, "Help me!" in his direction. Mrs. Yoda has a death grip on his pant leg.
YODA: Better catch I am!
MRS. YODA: Matter of opinion that is.
OBI-WAN: No... no! No! Master Yoda is a much better catch than I am! All my previous... uh... girlfriends say so!
Qui-Gon doubles over in the background. Obi-Wan gives him another blistering look. Yoda looks ready to explode.
OBI-WAN: Uh... Mrs. Yoda... I hate to break this to you, but I have a wife. Two wives, actually... and seventeen kids.
YODA: Good for you that is. Killed him, I would have!
OBI-WAN: (alarmed) What?
Mrs. Yoda looks startled, then flattered. Obi-Wan looks spooked. Qui-Gon is kneeling down now, covering his face.
MRS. YODA: Killed a boyfriend you would have?
YODA: Killed him I would have!
OBI-WAN: (loud, cheerful) Well, it's certainly good I'm unavailable. Jedi Code and all that.
Qui-Gon gets to his feet and shows signs of recovering.
YODA: (to Obi-Wan) Quiet! (to Mrs. Yoda) Many duties I have. Understand you do, honeybunch?
MRS. YODA: (bashful) Understand I do, sweetie pie.
Qui-Gon cracks up again. Obi-Wan stands next to him.
OBI-WAN: (to Qui-Gon) "Honeybunch"? "Sweetie-pie"? Master, you're going to get hurt if you keep laughing like that.
QUI-GON: (still giggling) I... can't... help it...
Yoda jumps off his chair and puts his arm around Mrs. Yoda. She bats her eyes, almost cracking up Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan again.
YODA: Go shopping we will, cute thing?
MRS. YODA: Thought Jedi did not shop, sweet poodles?
Yoda makes an expansive hand gesture.
YODA: On Council I am! Exception I make for you!
The two walk out arm in arm to go shopping. Obi-Wan stared after them, Qui-Gon wiping his eyes and finally sobering himself next to him.
OBI-WAN: That was simultaneously nauseating, terrifying, and truly bizarre.
QUI-GON: You oughta have seen them forty years ago.
There is a brief pause. Obi-Wan begins to smile, looking relieved.
OBI-WAN: You know... he forgot about yelling at us.
QUI-GON: (slow smile) Yeah... he did... I guess we're homefree.
Yoda's voice booms through the Jedi Temple.
YODA: Not off hook you are!
The two Jedi groan in unison and shuffle out of the room.