Author's Notes: This story takes place seventeen years before The Phantom Menace. The character Chelrah, whose tale in told in "Lost Cause", is used by permission from her creator, Katherine M. Burgess.
DISCLAIMER: Star Wars and all publicly recognisable characters, names and references, etc are the sole property of George Lucas, Lucasfilm Ltd, Lucasarts Inc and 20th Century Fox. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Any other characters, the storyline and the actual story are the property of the author.
Yoda jolted awake and stared around his dark quarters in the Jedi temple. There was very little that could distract the Jedi master from his meditative sleep, but this was something that even his great powers could not ignore: the plaintive wail of a baby. Slipping off his sleeping pallet, Yoda took up his gimer stick and crossed the room to the door. He mentally sent a message to a young Jedi Knight, Mace Windu, currently between missions and staying at the temple. Yoda shrugged on his rough spun cloak and went out into the hallway beyond his quarters. A few moments later a cloaked figure strode down the hall in his direction, then halted a few paces away.
"Did you call me, Master Yoda?" asked the Jedi Knight.
"Come with me you will, Master Windu," Yoda commanded of the young man.
"Master Yoda, it is late," Mace said and gestured to indicate the dark, quiet hallway. "Tomorrow--."
"Wait this cannot," the diminutive Jedi said. "Pilot the shuttle you will."
"Shuttle?" Mace Windu muttered to himself and shook his head, still he proceeded Yoda toward the shuttle bay of the temple. He sat in the pilot seat and started up the engines while Master Yoda sat beside him and concentrated.
"What are we looking for?" Master Windu asked while maneuvering the shuttle into one of the city's traffic lanes. Even at this hour, with sunrise still hours away, Galactic City's airspace bustled with shuttle traffic.
"The Force will tell, yes," Yoda said, his eyes narrowing and his long ears straining to hear the baby's cries. They had disappeared, but its life force had not, and it burned bright and strong in the fabric of the Force and Yoda followed its beacon. He pointed with a bony green finger. "Down there, toward the metropolitan center."
Mace Windu said nothing, only nodded and guided the shuttled out of the main traffic and toward a landing platform near Galactic City's main shopping area.
At this time of early morning, the shopping hub was deserted. Yoda noticed Mace Windu's inquiring glance as they disembarked from the shuttle.
"A bit early for shopping," Mace asked.
The Jedi Master allowed a rare smile to tug at the corners of his otherwise stern mouth. "Not here for shopping, hmm, Master Windu?"
Mace Windu shook his head and smiled. "Where from here?"
"Down I believe," Yoda replied then closed his eyes for a moment, allow the Force to fill him. His eyes snapped open. "Hmm, yes. Down we go into the lower levels."
"Lower levels," Mace Windu echoed. "How far down?"
"Hard to say, but hurry we must. Not much time."
Punctuated by even thumps of his gimer stick, Yoda scurried toward a lift platform and Mace Windu could do nothing other than followed along behind, all the while his hand not far from his lightsaber. The lift platform went down to level 15. From there, Yoda led the curious Mace Windu to another platform, and then yet another. The tenth platform took them further into the dark bowels of Galactic City. Here, in complete darkness, corridor ghouls lurked and duracrete worms bored their way through buildings that hadn't seen a ray of sunlight in more than a millenium.
At level number 110, no sentient beings inhabited the long abandoned structures coated with dripping slim and shadow barnacles. The air felt heavy and smelled musty. Though the darkness was absolute, Yoda could sense things around him, things of fangs and voracious appetites. With a small nudge, he used the Force to redirect the hunting creatures away from him and his companion. Both Jedi masters lit glowrods, but even the darkness seemed like a predatory beast seeking to consume the pitiful light.
"What are we looking for?" Mace Windu asked mildly as he shined his glowrod around, looking at the rib-like struts of a building to their right. Yoda could sense his curiosity and felt oddly reluctant to tell his friend and fellow Jedi the reason for their sojourn into the bowels of Galactic City.
"This way," Yoda replied and turned to the left and down a debris cluttered corridor.
To their left, huge round holes covered in fluorescent slime marked the passage of duracrete worms. Silently and swift, something leapt at them from the darkness. Mace Windu drew his lightsaber, dropped quickly into a combat crouch and struck. Cut neatly in half the thing fell between them. Yoda blinked at the giant, eyeless corridor ghoul, its body still twitching.
"Come, hurry we must," Yoda said. "Little time."
"Little time for what?" the young Jedi asked and drew a breath. He deactivated his lightsaber and sheathed it. Strong were Jedi, Yoda knew, but many were the creatures that lived in the darkness.
Soon Yoda could sense another presence in the darkness ahead of them, he could feel it like a ripple in the Force. They came to what appeared to have been a town square. Their lights reflected off a cluster of furry animals gathered, snarling and fighting, around a bloody object.
Yoda used a nudge of the Force toward the creatures. Muzzles covered in gore, the armored rats looked up toward the two Jedi. Angered at being denied their meal, the creatures shrieked and backed into the darkness where they crouched, licked their blood matted fur and waited to finish their meal.
Blood puddled around the remains of a half-eaten human. She had been a female of wealthy means judging by her clothing of expensive silks, brocades and jeweled bracelets around what was left of her arms and neck. Mace Windu grimaced. Yoda left the body to shuffled around the old town square. The woman was a surprise to him, he had not sensed her, in fact he wasn't quite certain what he would find and where. He traversed around an old fountain filled with slime-covered water.
"Master Yoda," Mace Windu finally spoke, "if you are here to rescue the woman, I would say we are too late."
"Not the reason the woman was. Of her I didn't know," Yoda admitted as he searched through the darkness while holding his glowrod above his head.
"Why would she come down here? It appears that she was alone." Master Windu parted her clothing with a slender piece of debris. "I see no weapons."
"Alone she was not. Afraid she was. Running from someone."
Yoda put aside his gimer stick and knelt near a blanket wrapped bundle that lay under the apex of two fallen pieces of duracrete. Mace Windu joined him and peered down, holding out his glow rod as Yoda pulled back the swaddling.
"A baby!" Mace's startled glance traveled from the baby to the woman. "This baby is only a few weeks old. What could have frightened her mother enough to come down here?"
"A question, Master Windu, that perhaps will never be answered," Yoda said. Take the baby we will."
"How did you know--?" Mace Windu began.
"Heard her cries and her call. Strong in the Force is she." Yoda gazed at the soft white face of the baby, her head covered in black curls.
"There's something about this I don't like," Mace Windu said. He crouched next to the baby, touched a black curl and frowned. The baby grabbed his finger. His eyes widened, but that was his only reaction to the baby's Force-strength that flowed through him and around him. "Why do I get a feeling it is better to leave the baby to her fate?"
"No," Yoda said firmly then looked up and squinted into the darkness. "Hmm. More danger I sense in leaving her. Another searches and find her they will."
"Another?" Mace Windu asked.
Yoda closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them and shook his head. "Difficult to see. Leave we must now." Yoda didn't bother to tell the young Jedi Knight that it wasn't the presence of the hungry armor rats that he sensed, but something worse. An insidious evil that even the great Jedi master was not anxious to encounter. Mace Windu must have felt it as well, for he quickly scooped the infant up into his arms. She didn't cry, just simply looked at him with large blue eyes, inquisitive, unafraid. The Jedi Knight could not help but smile in return.
"Even as a baby, fear she has none," Yoda said with a chuckle in his voice. "A Jedi she will be."
Yoda's green eyes narrowed as he watched the young apprentice working through holographic scenario in a large, enclosed room. The girl's opponents for this test were seven space pirates, fully interactive holographs programmed with extensive AI, who held hostage a peaceful delegation of Sullustan diplomats.
The young apprentice had failed on the negotiation component of the scenario and was on the attack. Her young face was a study of Force-calm as she sliced through the pirates with her lightsaber, her movements graceful and confident. Despite her youth, she was an aggressive fighter, though never a ripple of anger marred her composed expression. She expertly ducked, jumped and somersaulted around her confused adversaries. One pirate executed a hostage.
Too late to save the hapless victim, the girl spun and gestured toward the pirate, using Force strength to slam him backwards hard against the ship's bridge. Components sparked and the pirate fell to the floor bleeding and unconscious.
Next to Yoda stood Sa'awni Chaska, a blue-skinned Twi'lek Jedi. He could sense her surprise as she watched the apprentice. After a lengthy stunned silence, she spoke.
"I know most of the apprentices at the temple," the Jedi said, "but I have never seen her. How old is she?"
"Ten standard years this last spring." Yoda sighed as the young girl sliced through another pirate. She was tall for a human female of her age, and one could describe her as delicate looking. That frail appearance was an illusion. "Her name is Kahana Mato-An."
In Yoda's language the name meant Bright Fire, and Kahana indeed burned very brightly.
"The Force is unusually strong with her. I am surprised she has not been chosen before now."
"Ready to be a Padawan Kahana was not."
Sa'awni lifted one eyebrow. "Ready? This young girl is ten and already more skilled than Beminji when I chose him at twelve." The Jedi referred to her last Padawan who had recently passed the trials and been promoted to Jedi Knight.
"Skilled Kahana is, but attuned to the living Force she is not. Much yet to learn has she. The living Force eludes her."
"That can be dangerous," Sa'awni commented.
"That is why concerned I am. Why with care her teacher must be chosen."
"I see that she has conquered her fear and anger," Sa'awni observed.
"No place in Kahana is fear or anger, but aggression is strong, and she holds no concern of its consequences. With her it is the solution to all problems. Sabotage empathy and prudence aggression does, and blinds her to peaceful alternatives. Her combative skills allow her to take the easy route out of all situations, as you observe."
"Yes, I see what you mean," Sa'awni commented as, at that moment, the apprentice launched forward then tucked and rolled under a stream of blaster bolts. The girl then leapt up and tagged the last holograph pirate in the throat. With all opponents vanquished, the scenario ended and blinked out.
A computerized voice spoke. "All pirates killed, one hostage killed, nine hostage survivors."
The young Jedi then bowed to Yoda and surprised spread across her face when she noticed the visitor and executed another short bow. She then clipped her lightsaber to her belt. Her express was smug, her hip-shot stance arrogant as she folded her arms across her chest. Too arrogant was this young apprentice, Yoda knew.
"Fought well you did as usual, young Kahana," the Jedi master said, "but win you did not."
The young girl's smile faltered, then faded. "But Master Yoda, I tried negotiating with them--."
"Negotiate you did not," Master Yoda cut her off, "threaten you did. Their response to the threat is violence, and you reciprocated in kind. Bloodshed and death solves nothing. Always with you conquering is the solution and never do you empathize. Learn you must."
"Master Yoda, I did beat the scenario."
"No." He punctuated that single word with a thumped of his cane on the floor. "No more of this will I argue with you. Again you will do it and with me you will leave your lightsaber."
The girl blanched, then with feet dragging, she walked across the floor, unclipped the lightsaber from her belt and handed the weapon to Yoda.
"Now go, Apprentice Kahana, and win the scenario instead of just beating it."
"I'll try," she said.
"Try not!" Yoda said with uncharacteristic gruffness. "Do, or do not. There is no try. A Jedi uses the Force for knowledge, never for attack."
"Yes, Master Yoda," the girl relented and started away, her steps heavy.
"Apprentice Kahana," Sa'awni spoke and stepped forward. Yoda said nothing, his eyes contained a light of hope and realized Sa'awni was his last hope.
The young girl looked up at the Jedi next to Yoda. "Yes Master Jedi?"
"Come, let us talk." The Twi'lek Jedi dropped a hand on the girl's shoulder and lead her away.
Yoda watched intently as Sa'awni crouched and spoke to the girl while gesturing toward the holograph area. Kahana's brow knitted as she listened then she nodded, understanding spreading across her face. As much as Yoda wanted Sa'awni to take the girl as her Padawan learner, the choice was up to the Force and to the Jedi Master. If it were to be, it would happen; he could only plant the seed. Sa'awni stood, patted the girl on the shoulder then rejoined Yoda.
"Why did you bring me here, Master Yoda?" Sa'awni asked. They both watched the girl start the scenario once again, this time trying to be more persuasive as she negotiated for the hostages' release.
Master Yoda looked up and regarded the Twi'lek Jedi for a moment. He knew that it was best to speak his mind. "Thinking I am that take Kahana as your Padawan you should consider."
Sa'awni's brows rose in surprise. "I had thought of choosing Niyall. I have been watching his progress for a few years. Master Saarik is to choose a Padawan soon. He will do well with such a talented young warrior like Kahana. She is like his last Padawan."
Despite her words to the contrary, Yoda sensed the Jedi's desire to train the young girl, and temper the girl's impetuous nature with prudence. Yet there was hesitation. When a Jedi chose a Padawan it would be a long partnership and there should be no hesitation.
"Strong you are in the life Force, Sa'awni, much to learn from you Kahana has. Important she learns that not all problems are solved with attack. That power words have."
"Most of my missions are diplomatic, I fear she would be bored. She could rebel. She may not learn."
"Hard to see Kahana's future is." Yoda closed his eyes for a moment. "No mission has the council for you currently, Sa'awni, so stay at the temple and come to know Kahana. Decide later if your Padawan she should be. If not, a good Padawan Niyall will be."
The two Jedi said nothing more, their eyes never leaving the young girl who once again had failed in negotiations and was aggressively using her Force power to try and win the scenario, though she was failing. A moment later the apprentice took a mortal wound and the scenario ended.
Yoda sighed and shook his head. Darkness he saw in Kahana's future, and worried he was and always had been since the day he had found her in the depths of Galactic City.
Kahana lay on her bed and stared up at the ceiling. She was sweaty and she stank and should take a shower before dinner, but didn't think she could move. She was in excellent physical shape, but today's work at the hostage scenario had taxed both body and mind.
She wished she could understand what Master Yoda wanted. She had defeated the pirates and saved most of the hostages. Who cared if a bunch of nasty old pirates died anyway? If the scenario were real, she'd be doing the galaxy a favor by killing them all. Talk was a waste of time. When a Jedi drew their lightsaber, that was when they received the respect they deserved and that was when people listened. Her thoughts strayed to the Jedi who had been with Master Yoda.
Sa'awni Chaska had been her name, Kahana remember. There was something about her that Kahana found soothing. She bet that when Sa'awni talked people listened. The Jedi had a gentle aura to her. Kahana simply liked listening to her beautiful voice. She was sorry when the Twi'lek Jedi left and wanted to go with her, to listen to her, just to be near her. She had tried very hard to negotiate with the pirates like Master Sa'awni explained. She tried very hard to impress her. In the end she had failed.
Kahana looked up at the tentative knock at her door. "Come in," she said, immediately knowing the identity of her guest.
Chelrah, her friend and fellow Jedi apprentice entered. The girl, a Firrerreos, tall and pale skinned, crossed the small room and flopped down on the bed next to Kahana.
"You're all sweaty," Chelrah said and wrinkled her nose. "And you stink, too."
"Thanks," Kahana responded, not taking offense. Her eyes narrowed at her friend's expression. "You've seen your father again."
"How could you tell?" Chelrah propped herself on her elbow and regarded Kahana's pale, exhausted face.
"Well, it doesn't take the Force to figure it out," Kahana said. "It's the silly grin that gives your guilt away."
"You're just jealous." Chelrah rolled to her back and stared at the ceiling.
Kahana realized that wasn't far from the truth. Then she thought of Sa'awni and a grin of her own spread over her face. She wanted to see the Jedi again.
"Talking about silly grins. What's yours for?" Chelrah asked and poked Kahana in the ribs.
"Another Jedi joined Master Yoda today to watch me work through the hostage scenario." Kahana rubbed her ribs.
Chelrah snorted at her answer. Kahana knew her friend had worked the hostage scenario, too. She didn't know anyone, except older Padawans who could win that scenario.
"Did you decimate all the pirates again?" Chelrah asked. "That bugs the space gnats out of Master Yoda when you do that."
"Well, he wasn't happy. He took my lightsaber away and made me do it again. A pirate blew me away. But I want to know why Yoda brought that other Jedi? Her name is Sa'awni Chaska."
"I've heard of her."
"I haven't."
"The way Yoda keeps you cloistered away, I'm not surprised." Chelrah sighed. "Whenever the Council has a sticky assignment, negotiations, mediations and stuff like that, they usually send Master Sa'awni. I've heard she's here at the Temple to choose a new Padawan." Chelrah stared at her friend for a moment. "Hey, wait a minute. You don't think she's going to chose you as her Padawan?"
Kahana tried to hide her thoughts but Chelrah caught them. The apprentice stared open-mouthed for a moment, then began laughing.
"It's not that funny," Kahana said, grabbed a pillow and whacked her friend over the head. "Oh, yes it is!" Chelrah's muffled laugh came from under the pillow. She pushed it aside. "I can see it now. Master Sa'awni's out to negotiate a delicate situation and in comes Kahana talk's-a-waste- of-time Mato-An, and before anyone draws a breath you've drawn your trusty lightsaber and cut off their heads. Mission successful because, after all, who can talk with their heads cut off?"
Kahana sat silently as her friend laughed. Chelrah quieted and nudged her.
"Hey I was just teasing."
"Am I really like that?" Kahana asked.
"Um, no, not that bad," Chelrah said.
"Maybe I am. Yoda is always disappointed in me. I can't seem to please him."
"I know what you mean." The girl sobered. "That is why I'm glad I have my dad. He loves me because I'm me, and not because of any future potential or use I may have for the temple. And I love him. I wish I could always be with him. He's a great pilot, you know, and he's always going on grand adventures."
"I wish I knew my dad," Kahana said, rolled to her stomach and propped her chin on her fist. She certainly liked and respected all the Jedi, especially Master Yoda, but she didn't love anyone, nor did she feel anyone loved her in return. She envied Chelrah and her relationship with her father, even though that relationship was forbidden. At times Kahana provided cover for Chelrah during her clandestine visits with her father. The council would have a fit if they knew.
"Telrak's wonderful," Chelrah enthused and that grin spread across her face again, then just as suddenly it faded. "What a minute. What did you say?"
"What? That I wish I knew my dad?"
"No you don't." Chelrah sat up and frowned.
"What is that suppose to mean?"
"I don't know. I'm sorry, Konnie, I just got this weird feeling that you don't want to know your dad." She took up one of Kahana's long black locks of hair. Chelrah's six digit hands deftly wound the hair into a braid. "I could be wrong, you know."
"Yeah," Kahana responded, wondering what Chelrah had felt. "Is my dad some nasty galactic criminal?"
"I don't know, Kahana. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. It could be that your dad is just some ordinary guy." Chelrah finished the braid and arranged it over her friend's right shoulder. "Maybe soon you'll get to cut off all this hair and keep the braid."
"I think I would like to be Sa'awni's Padawan learner." Voicing that sentiment out loud made Kahana suddenly realized what a failure she was, that Master Sa'awni would not pick her. Yoda never let her fight for any of the Jedi masters who came to choose a Padawan. He said she was not ready. Her failure at the hostage scenario was further proof that she was not ready.
"Coming to dinner?" Chelrah asked as she stood.
"I'll be there. I'm going to take a quick shower first."
"Good idea. The food is bad enough without you sitting next to me and stinking like a herd of nerfs."
"You're a pal!" Kahana responded and tossed a book at her friend, who dodged and scooted out the door. She poked her head back in a moment.
"I knew you were going to do that."
"Did not!" Kahana smiled and threw another book.
When the door closed Kahana rolled back on her back to stare again at the ceiling. With one hand she stroked the braid then held it up and stared at it. Would she ever be chosen or would she be sent to some backwater planet to be a farmer or healer? Did Master Yoda already see her as a failure? Kahana sat up on the bed and clenched the braid in her hand until her knuckled turned white.
Even if Sa'awni didn't choose her, she'd show them that she could do more than fight.
Sa'awni Chaska cooked herself a simple meal in her apartment in the Jedi Temple and thought of the young girl. She could not get Kahana Mato-An out of her mind. She and the fiery little apprentice were complete opposites. Niyall would be much more suited to her and the types of missions that the temple dispatched her on. He was even-tempered, quiet and thoughtful. Like her he had a way with words even at the young age of eleven. He was a little timid, but that was just his age. In short, he would make a good Jedi.
But would he make a great Jedi? she asked herself. Would he make a remarkable Jedi like Kahana had the capacity to be? Usually it was the more tempestuous personalities that made great Jedi. Qui-Gon Jinn's Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi was a good example of that. That headstrong boy had a great amount of anger to overcome. He had overcome them, and his immense talents were blossoming under Qui-Gon's tutelage.
Dare she take on an apprentice like Kahana? What if she failed and Kahana fell to the dark side? It did not happen often, but it happened. Qui-Gon's ex-apprentice fell to the dark side, and it took the Jedi master years to overcome that failure before he took on another Padawan. That Padawan being Obi-Wan Kenobi. Those two had something to give each other. Obi-Wan healed his master's failure and Qui-Gon's wisdom had taught the Padawan peace instead of anger.
Could it be that, as opposite as she and Kahana were, they had something to teach one another?
Later that evening, Kahana woke and peered at the chrono on the small desk next to her bed. The illuminated face displayed 1am standard time. In the dark she rose and dressed, clipped her lightsaber on her belt then paused. No. She would leave the lightsaber. She unhooked it from her belt and laid it on the table next to the chrono.
Kahana crept through the silent, dark hallways toward the holo-scenario rooms. She wondered if leaving her lightsaber behind was the right thing to do. She stiffened her resolve. She'd win the hostage scenario without her lightsaber. She would!
She reached the holoroom without incident and went inside. The lights automatically came on and illuminated the cold, rectangular room.
"Computer," she said. "Load hostage scenario Oh-Oh-Five."
"Loading," responded the computer.
Kahana found herself standing in the hallway of a starship of some type while panicking Duros ran around her, pushing her and shoving her in their fright. As with all scenarios, one found information by asking questions and looking into the ship's log, finding out if there were anyone to communicate with on a neighboring planet. In short, it was something like a game and Kahana enjoyed them until Yoda took her lightsaber away. Winning a scenario was no simple feat because the computer rendered the scenes slightly different each time. Sometimes there were more pirates, sometimes the pirates were kidnappers asking for a ransom. The scenario could occur on a planet, or on a ship. At times the hostages were arrogant royals that tried her patience, belligerent merchants or frightened settlers. All hostages had to be treated with the same care and respect.
"Okay, time to get to work."
That was easier said than done.
By the sixth run through, Kahana was exhausted and ready to side with the pirates just so she could silence the loud-mouthed merchant and his whining wife. She could barely speak coherently let alone keep her eyes opened. The holographic pirate cursed her, then shot her and all the hostages.
"I'm dead," Kahana announced and flopped to the floor cross-legged.
"Scenario over. Hostage survival rate: Zero. Pirate survival rate: six. Score Zero." the computer intoned, "Play again?" it asked.
"Negative. End program," she said. The holograph blinked off and the plain walls of the room returned. "I'm a loser," she told herself. "Loser!" she shouted louder. The room echoed her cry, agreeing with her assessment. "Nobody will choose me," she said in a softer tone. The price for failure was spending her life on some backwater planet as a healer or a farmer. She didn't like that idea. "Get up," she told herself, "and do it until it's right.".
Her limbs refused to obey and her eyes fluttered closed.
The next morning she found herself in her bed without knowing how she got there. Her eyes felt gritty and her mouth pasty. It was the thought of facing her morning instructor's displeasure that made her get out of bed and pull on her clothes, though she didn't realize her shirt was on inside out until several students later laughed at her.
Somehow, she managed to get through the day. She was thankful that Yoda didn't seem to push her as much as he usually did, though she was conscious of him constantly watching her. Did he know what she had been doing at night? Wouldn't he say something? His quiet, pointed stares would have made her nervous if she hadn't been so tired. During meditation she fell asleep and for that Master Ki-Adi-Mundi assigned her to kitchen cleanup. Long after other students had retired to their rooms for the evening, she was helping the kitchen droids. They didn't really need her; in fact she got in the way and ended up breaking a stack of plates. Despite her exhaustion, at 1am, she once again arose and made her way to the holoscenario room, leaving her lightsaber in her room.
And so it went on every night for the next week. She would rise at exactly the same time and silently travel the dark halls to the holoscenario room and ask the computer to load scenario oh-oh-five. The pirates had killed her and the hostages so many times she couldn't begin to count. Sometimes she wanted to scream in frustration, other times she struggled with the urge to run back to her room, grab her lightsaber and cut down all the pirates. One night she almost did, and stopped herself halfway to her room.
"Play again?" asked the computer.
"Negative. End program," she replied. Her footsteps dragged across the floor and she leaned against the wall and slid down, resting her forearms across her upraised knees. She guessed it would be dawn soon and she had to get back to her room.
"Maybe just one more time," she told herself, her voice fading out as she slumped to the floor.
Kahana's bed shook. She held on to the covers and pulled them over her head. Why was her bed shaking?
"Get up!" a voice commanded her. The covers were yanked from her grasp and cool air rushed over her body. "You've already missed breakfast."
"Huh?" Kahana replied, smacked her lips and opened her eyes. Chelrah hovered above her, a concerned look on her face.
"This morning Master Sa'awni and Master Saarik are to watch the apprentices and choose a Padawan. You're going to be late!" Chelrah grabbed her by the arm and pulled her out of bed. Kahana thunked to the floor.
"Go away."
"I'll dress you if I have to and drag you out there," the other girl said, and set her knuckles on her hips. "What is wrong with you?"
Kahana sat up and rubbed the back of her head. She grimaced. The back of her hair was a big lump of matted, tangled hair.
Suddenly Chelrah laughed. "You look horrible."
"I'm glad you find that amusing," Kahana grouched. "Why are you harassing me?"
"Didn't you hear me? Did you forget? Did space vacuum replace your brain? In less than ten minutes Jedi Masters Sa'awni and Saarik will be in the testing room to observe the morning workout and possibly chose a Padawan."
"What!" Kahana bolted off the floor and stood swaying as the room spun. She grabbed for her bed and sat down and pressed a hand to her throbbing head. She just wanted to crawl back into bed.
"Don't even think about it," Chelrah said, guessing her friend's intent.
"I can't do it. I can't go out there like this."
"Nonsense," Chelrah admonished. She scooped up her friend's tunic and pants hanging on a wall hook and tossed them at her. "Put these on and let's go."
Lethargic, Kahana began dressing. She didn't bother to brush her hair, simply tied it back in a messy ponytail. The first time she put her put boots on, she put them on the wrong feet. Through half opened eyes she managed to strap on her belt and clipped on her lightsaber. Chelrah grabbed her hand and pulled her out the door.
"What is wrong with you anyway," Chelrah asked.
Kahana decided to confess. "I've been sneaking to the scenario room and practicing."
Chelrah cast her friend an incredulous glance. "Why, so you can practice chopping up pirates?"
"I've been leaving behind my lightsaber."
"I don't believe that." Chelrah stopped and stared at her friend for a moment. "You are serious!"
"I... I don't want to fail," Kahana admitted. Many of her fellow apprentices would say that Kahana wasn't afraid of anything or anyone. That wasn't true. Kahana was afraid of failing.
Chelrah took a deep breath. "Yeah. I know what you mean."
The two apprentices shared a moment, each silently facing their own fears of failure and rejection. But Chelrah had her father, Kahana remembered, feeling a twinge of jealousy. And she had no one and failure was unacceptable.
"Let's go," Kahana said at last and Chelrah nodded, then grinned.
"What's come over us? There's nothing worse than two Jedi apprentices wallowing in self pity."
Their mood lightened a little, the two girls reached the practice room. The other hopefuls were already present and warming up. Master Yoda ended the warm up period and called for the apprentices to line up. Kahana looked for Sa'awni and found the Jedi standing above on the observation deck next to another Jedi. Kahana guess that Jedi was Master Saarik. It was then that she met Sa'awni's warm, encouraging gaze and it filled her with determination.
In the lineup, each of the apprentices was given a blindfold. Kahana slipped it on her head and waited patiently--mostly because she was too tired to do anything else, she admitted to herself. That turn came sooner then she expected when Master Ki-Adi-Mundi lightly touched her shoulder. Allowing the Force to fill her and using it as her eyes and senses, she walked out onto the practice floor. She felt the presence of another--her sparring partner.
She drew her lightsaber, turned it on and fell into a fighting stance.
And today, for the first time that she could recall, Kahana could not fight to save herself. If this had been a life or death situation, death would have come mercifully quick. She stumbled, she fumbled, and she even dropped her lightsaber on her foot. The practice lightsaber of her opponent tagged her so many times that she lost count.
At Yoda's command, Kahana fell back. She had done horribly, but she was so tired she didn't care. She hadn't been able to score a single point, but throughout the fight she had kept her aggression in check; she sought only to defend herself. She swayed on her feet and somehow managed to stay upright.
Kahana took off her blindfold and saw Niyall had been her sparring partner. Niyall was not a good swordsman, yet he had bested her. In turn, the apprentice returned Kahana's surprised stare, his mouth hanging open. "Kahana?" he said at last. He rubbed his eyes with a fist and stared again.
Kahana liked Niyall, a friendly, soft-spoken Duro. Everyone liked him and he deserved to be chosen. He would make an excellent Jedi. "You did well," she said. She wasn't going to tell him that he won because she could barely lift her lightsaber. That wouldn't be nice and would only make her sound petty.
"I can't believe it." The older boy shook his head. "You must have let me win."
"No, you won fair and square." It was the truth. They stepped forward and shook hands. The elated expression on his face made her failure hurt a little less.
"Maybe there is hope for me," he said.
Niyall afraid of failure? Kahana thought, shocked. Niyall excelled at almost everything he did. Like most his species, he was already an exceptional pilot. Perhaps all apprentices, no matter how confident they appeared, shared the same fears. That made her feel a little better. She dropped a companionable arm over Niyall's shoulders and the Duro cast her a grin as they rejoined the lineup of apprentices.
"Win or lose doesn't matter, as long as we do our best," she said.
"Now those," he said, "are words I never expected from Kahana Mato-An."
"She is learning," Sa'awni said to Master Yoda. "She wants to learn. She wants to understand."
"Yes, important for Kahana it is to become a Jedi. But easy her training will not be for her master."
Sa'awni wondered if Yoda was warning her, but it didn't matter for she had already chosen.
The two watched Kahana talk companionably with her fellow apprentice, Niyall. The girl had not made a good showing today, and Sa'awni had felt Master Saarik's disappointment. Her fellow Jedi had heard Kahana was an exceptional young warrior and had looked forward to watching her. He left the observation box and Sa'awni knew that he would choose a different Padawan.
"Nothing worthwhile is easily gained," Sa'awni said quietly.
Yoda nodded. "Far to go has Kahana, but begin a long journey one cannot without a single step in the proper direction."
Sa'awni knew that with her help, Kahana would begin that single step.
Kahana felt numb. That was the only word she could think of that described her current state of being. She lay on her bed and stared up at the ceiling. Usually the thought of failure sparked a response in her, a resolution to try harder, now it did nothing. She just felt numb. So maybe her fate was to be a servant of the Force on some backwater planet. She did have two years remaining, but even that thought stirred up little feeling.
"I'm just tired," she told herself out loud, trying to console herself. "Later I'll laugh about all this."
At a knock on her door, she lifted her head, then let it flop back to the pillow. Probably Chelrah. Maybe they could cry on each other's shoulder. Kahana grunted, crying required effort and energy. She didn't have any energy.
"Come in!" she shouted.
Energy filled the room as the door opened--an invigorating, soothing energy.
"Master Sa'awni?" Kahana said and sat up. The Twi'lek Jedi entered the room and closed the door.
"Surely my Padawan isn't in her room feeling sorry for herself," the Jedi teased, a smile dancing in her eyes.
Kahana leapt off the bed. "Padawan!"
"Or perhaps my Padawan is just tired from all that work in the holoscenario room at night."
"Padawan!" Kahana repeated, unable to believe what she just heard, unable to keep the elation from her voice.
"You did well, Kahana," Sa'awni said.
"I did horribly." Kahana held out her arms. "I lost."
"It wasn't that you lost, it was how you lost... and why." The Jedi winked.
"You know of...?"
Sa'awni nodded. "Who do you think carried you to bed every night when you fell asleep in the scenario room? You're not a lightweight either."
"I... I thought I must have managed on my own...."
Sa'awni sat on the bed next to Kahana and patted her knee. "You have two hours to pack your things and prepare to leave. The council will be briefing us on our first mission... together."
Kahana didn't bother to contain her excitement. She leapt off the bed and gave a war whoop.
Sa'awni laughed. "I will come to collect you here in your room. We can't be late. The council frowns upon tardiness."
"Yes... master," Kahana said, liking the sound of those words.
When the door closed behind Sa'awni, Kahana couldn't help but let loose one more whoop.
Kahana Mato-An stood behind her Jedi master in the circle of the Jedi High Council. Earlier, Chelrah had cut off most of Kahana's long black hair and left only a long braid that fell over her right shoulder. A simple hair style, but a meaningful one.
She reached up and touched the braid. She would miss Chelrah and her other friends at the temple, but now it was time to embark on another part of her life. She was a Padawan.
Kahana pinched herself to make certain she wasn't dreaming. She caught Master Mace Windu's gaze on her and she snapped back to attention. Was that a ghost of a smile on his stern face? She couldn't be certain. She forced herself to contain her excitement and listen to Master Yoda outline their assignment. After all, this was her first mission as a Jedi.
Watch for Kahana's further adventures...