Author's Notes: Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time...
DISCLAIMER: All characters and property of Stargate SG-1 belong to MGM/UA, World Gekko Corp. and Double Secret Productions. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Any other characters, the storyline and the actual story are the property of the author.
It was an absolutely gorgeous night. Jack looked up, taking in the spectacular stellar panorama that flaunted itself expansively before his appreciative eyes. Funny, after all the times he had spent looking up at alien skies in strange, new places it still felt - odd, for the first second - to look to the heavens and not see any familiar stars looking back at him.
For once, this mission had been a walk in the park. No Goa'ulds, bug-eyed monsters, pissed off primitives trying to take a piece out of them. Just a whole bunch of ruined buildings and some spectacular scenery. An archaeologist's paradise. Calm, serene, placid. Gorgeous.
God, he was bored! If he looked over Daniel's shoulder at one more wall with squiggles on it he was going to go insane. Jack hated to admit it, but a part of him really wished that something would come screaming out of the blackness at them, just to give him something to do. Besides standing around scratching himself and going, "Uh Daniel, what the hell is this?"
Confessions of an adrenaline junkie. Laughing inwardly at himself, he brought his focus back to the group that sat serenely around the fire that crackled contentedly in the midst of their off-world domestic gathering. Carter and Teal'c seemed to be having a good time. The captain was conversing animatedly with their otherworldly companion, and from the glint in those large, dark eyes, all was more than well with the Jaffa. Mind you, that man could find a way to look as if nothing was bothering him if he was standing on the deck of the Titanic. Some gift. More than once Jack found himself envying that seemingly endless well of serenity that Teal'c appeared to be able to dip into so freely.
Jack turned his attention to the last member of their party. Who had been uncharacteristically quiet - almost eerily so, for the last couple of hours. Seemed as if nothing had changed. Daniel was sitting by himself, as far away from the rest of the group and the soothing warmth of the fire as he could manage without drawing attention to himself. Daniel was with them - only just, and yet far enough away to be noticeably not a part of what was going on. Noticeable that was - at least to him.
Odds were that no one else would have picked up on it, but Jack missed precious little when it came to Daniel.
Daniel had learned a few things about hiding his tracks. Learned how good his commanding officer was at reading him. Learned about how to keep himself from showing what he didn't want anyone else, and most particularly the man who was now studying him intently, to see.
Maybe so, but it still wasn't enough. Despite his best efforts to dissemble, Jack could still read Daniel like a book. Came from having to consult the volume so many damned times.
The kid was trying his best to look as if he was sitting there, relaxed, simply not talking because he was tired, but Jack could see the tension in his jaw, the way the muscle in his cheek sporadically spasmed, the bunched muscles beneath the hunched, rounded shoulders, the hands that clenched and unclenched around the cup he was holding. Daniel was smart enough to keep his head down, though. Try as he might to camouflage his body language there was nothing he could do about what lived in his eyes when he was this bugged.
And whatever was going on in the kid's head, it was major. What it could possibly be, Jack didn't have the faintest clue. Except to be positively certain that for once, it wasn't because of anything unfortunate that had happened between them.
The mission had been uneventful, a breeze. Daniel had been in his glory. Miles and miles of chicken scratches and he had had all the time in the world to look at them. Three solid days of mind-numbing boredom for Jack. Manna from heaven for Daniel. He had been the happiest camper in the universe, and Jack had had to admit that a little boredom was worth it to see his friend like that, and now - this?
Come to think of it, it had started late in the afternoon. After greeting Sam and Teal'c upon their return from their little scouting expedition of the area, Jack had come back into the tumble-down building where Daniel had been happily working to find him sitting sprawled on the ground, his head bowed over an article he was holding in his hands. Jack had thought nothing of it, assuming it was merely some piece of something old and moldy and therefore incredibly fascinating that Daniel had just found.
"Whatcha got there?" That's all he had said. Really. Nicely too.
Daniel's head had shot up and he had looked at him as if someone had just ripped the heart right out of his chest. Jack had been so startled by the impact of that completely unexpected reaction that he had taken a step back as if actually struck. Instantly an impenetrable curtain had veiled Daniel's face; he guiltily jammed the object in his pocket, pushed himself to his feet and tried to rush past Jack, as he muttered, "Nothing It's nothing. Just something I found."
Jack had grabbed his arm as he tried to pass him, his attempt to utter the obvious question stilled in his throat by the look on Daniel's face.
This is none of your business.
I don't want you here.
Don't ask me.
Leave me alone.
Stunned, Jack had let him go, watching in troubled confusion as Daniel took himself hurriedly away from the range of his anxious eyes. Stonewalled. Given the gate. Shut out, locked and barred. What the hell.?
Jack hadn't gotten much of a look at what it was that had seemingly upset Daniel so much before he had made it disappear, but Jack had seen enough to know that it appeared to be a piece of jewelry. Something metal, with set stones. Could have been a necklace, could have been a bracelet. It was hard to tell. But it definitely was - jewelry.
Huh?
Whatever was the matter, Daniel had immediately gone underground with it. Jack had to admire the thoroughness with which he set about not only avoiding him, but also keeping all indications of his true inner state hidden from his other teammates. His portrayal of the happy-go-lucky archaeologist was flawless as he appeared to enthusiastically pitch in and do his share of the camp duties as the day wore into evening, and they all sat down to the family dinner under the stars.
Yup, he was definitely getting good. Sam and Teal'c didn't seem to notice that anything was wrong. Apparently Daniel was hoping that Jack didn't think so any more as well. Be that as it may, there was no way he was going to put himself in any sort of a position that Jack might be able to use in order to try and find out. So, he had no choice but to leave it alone.
He had no justifiable concerns with regards to the mission that would have given him the excuse to press Daniel about it. They were in no danger, Daniel had done nothing wrong, and his being in a bad mood was no problem for anyone except himself. No grounds there. Daniel had emphatically slammed the door against his only other avenue of approach. The desire to help a friend. His help was apparently not wanted.
Had the circumstances been different, Jack knew damned well that he would not have let this second barrier stop him. But Sam and Teal'c were here; there were witnesses. Jack had a funny feeling that whatever this was that was eating at Daniel, it was the kind of dirty laundry that he would want aired around as few people as possible, even them.
Okay, Danny-boy, we'll play it your way for now. But this isn't over. Not by a long shot.
Jack sighed and pushed himself to his feet. "Well kids, I think it's time to turn in. We want to be bright-eyed and bushy tailed in the morning. Daniel? You sure that you are going to be able to wrap it up tomorrow?"
//Look at me. Let me see your eyes. //
Not going to happen. Daniel kept his head down, his answering response quick and bright. A little too much of both. Careful, kid, almost gave it away.
"Sure, Jack. No problems."
//Geez Danny, you've just lied to me.//
"Well, I guess that's - that, then. Teal'c, your turn for first watch. Now, lady and gentlemen, if you will excuse me, I think I need to take Mr. Happy for a walk. Back in a shake."
Carter chortled as Jack melded into the night. She looked at the men who remained with her, each in their turn, and then started to laugh.
"What is so amusing, Captain Carter?" Teal'c asked.
"Why do you guys do that? Give pet names to your - ah - side arm, I mean?"
"Perhaps DanielJackson would be a better one to ask. This custom is not practiced amongst my people. We do not feel the need to address our body parts."
Sam shot him a look, trying to divine from his expression whether he was having her on or not. There were no clues to be gleaned from either his voice or his eyes. She gave up and looked to Daniel to take up the game.
The spot where he had been sitting was empty. Unremarked by either one of them, the archaeologist had slipped away and now appeared to be busying himself with his sleeping bag. He was gathering it up, taking it out of the tent. Sam continued to watch him, a little puzzled, as he walked out of the tent with a wad of bedding in his arms, crossed to a clear place on the ground about ten feet away from the fire, and then started laying it all out.
"Daniel?" She questioned gently.
He paused to flash her a sheepish smile. She thought for just a second it hung there just a little - falsely, but realized it must have been the way the uncertain light from the fire flickered across his features. She had been seeing things. Hadn't she?
"It's such a nice night," he replied in response to her interrogative use of his name. "I just feel like sleeping under the stars tonight. Like being back home again."
His voice trailed off. He looked back down at what he was doing. Sam felt a sudden pang of compassion when she realized that when Daniel had said 'home' - he hadn't been referring to Earth. She looked at Teal'c who had plainly heard the same thing, then got to her feet and set off to get ready to bed down herself.
Jack had been on his way back when he saw what Daniel was up to. He hung back, letting the mantle of the night conceal him while he stood and watched and waited.
Ah, so it's THAT bad, is it Danny? So bad that you have to take yourself away from us? Don't trust what might come out of your mouth in your sleep? Maybe Sam bought that 'sleeping under the stars' crap, but you're not fooling me. Not throwing me off the track that easily either.
Still using the darkness to hide him, Jack crossed quietly over to where Teal'c had taken up his watch position. Signaling to the Jaffa that he had returned and was accounted for, Jack then ghosted back until he found a comfortable spot of night not too far from where Daniel was now cocooned in his sleeping bag. He settled himself on the ground and took up his own vigil, fully aware of Teal'c eyes on him through the blackness. Wouldn't take the Jaffa long to put it together, especially as soon as what Jack knew was going to happen - started to happen. Well, maybe they could keep Carter out of it at least.
Fortunately Daniel waited until Jack had changed watches with Teal'c and sent the Jaffa off to do - whatever it was that he did at night. Feeling like an intruder, Jack stole silently toward Daniel as soon as the soft, troubled sounds started. As much as he hated 'eavesdropping' on his friend like this, Jack needed information, and this just might be the only way he was going to get it.
Daniel was tossing fitfully, muttering under his breath. At first it was impossible to make out what he was saying and Jack crept carefully closer, straining to turn the snatches of sounds into words. At last, one tore free, louder than the rest. Distinct. Unmistakable. The last thing he expected.
"Shyla!"
Jack pushed the shock aside, and continued to listen. There was more. A lot more. Oh god.
"Shyla - please don't - I can't.you don't understand.no - no wait. I didn't know he was hurt. I - all right. What ever you want. Whatever you say. just promise me he'll be taken care of ...please - whatever you say I'll do it - I'll do it - just promise.
Jack couldn't hear anymore. Couldn't listen to anymore. White-hot rage boiled up within him as he realized what Daniel was saying. What it meant. What he had been hiding from him. That goddamned lying BITCH. Some nice piece of work that you almost threw everything away for, Danny. Yeah, she was really worth all the pain, all the anger, all the mistrust, almost dying for. Really worth it. Especially in the way she repaid you for saving her life.
Yeah, but you know all this now, don't you. You know how bad that call was, up on that hill. Know how wrong you were to get us messed up in all that, for that - cow - even though it seemed to you to be the right thing to do at the time. That's why you've never said. That's why you've kept this to yourself. Fit punishment for being a fool.
Daniel's agitation was increasing, and he was getting louder. Jack hated to wake him up, but knew that if he didn't he'd soon be drawing a crowd. No doubt that was the last thing Daniel would want right now.
Jack grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him gently. "Hey, easy there," he whispered. "Wake up, you're scaring the horses."
Daniel's eyes snapped open, his hands flew to Jack's wrists. For a confused second he clung to him, as if for support, until his eyes focussed with the return of full awareness. Then his gaze locked fully with the concerned one that looked down at him. Jack almost cried out at the eyes that met his, so full of self-loathing and shame. Livid with anger. Anger at himself and anger at the man who had ferreted out his carefully guarded secret.
Daniel shoved Jack away from him. Hard. Just as violently he turned away, seeking to conceal himself within the folds of the sleeping bag, hoping no doubt, that Jack would take the hint and just go away.
Jack set his jaw firmly in the darkness. When pigs could fly. Daniel figured he was going away and he had known him, how long?
"Danny?" Jack whispered to him again as he leaned over him. "Talk to me."
Daniel's voice was shaking with emotion. Jack could hear him trying to rein himself in with every syllable he forced out.
"Just - leave it alone, Jack. Go away. Please. I'm begging you."
"Sorry. Can't do it."
"I'm handling it. I'm fine. I don't need anything from you. I don't want anything from you. Go away."
"This is what you call - handling it?"
"I'd mostly managed to - forget. It was the necklace. Caught me by surprise. Brought it all back. Looked just like the one she was wearing the first time - " his voice broke as he choked something back. Jack just held his breath and waited for him to start talking again.
"What did I say?" Daniel's voice was steadier, sadder. "How much do you think you know?"
"More than enough for me to wring her neck if I ever get the opportunity to get my hands around it. I don't like it when someone uses me to hurt a friend. Jesus, Danny, what did she make you do?"
Daniel emitted a harsh, mirthless laugh. "What do you want me to do, Jack, draw you a picture? Spell it out for you? Do you want every juicy little detail? So you can know - just how much of a fool I've been. Do you need to hear me say it? That I know how stupid I was? Well, don't worry. I know."
Daniel flung his anger at him, and it assailed him, hitting him squarely in the chest like twin granite fists pummeling. Jack said nothing, not moving or responding. He knew that Daniel was trying to goad him into adding his condemnation to his own assessment. Jack knew this game. They had played it once before, a long time ago, only that time, the roles were reversed.
"Want to know something really funny?" Daniel laughed again, but it was a joyless humorless sound. "I couldn't - not the first time anyway. But that shouldn't have come as any surprise to anyone. Can't hold my end up in the field when people are counting on me, couldn't get it up - anywhere else - when it mattered. She put me back in the sarcophagus. Couple more times in that baby and it was a different story, Jack. I more than did what was expected of me. Performed above and beyond the call of duty. I did SG-1 proud! After that - it didn't really matter. I had already betrayed you, betrayed Sha'uri. I couldn't take that back, so what did it matter what happened to me next? If I was already damned, I might as well make it worth the trip! Do the job and do it right - eh, Jack? I did whatever Shyla wanted me to do. Whenever she wanted it. Going back into the sarcophagus made it easier and easier not to care. Easier to - do it. I told you I felt like I could do anything? Hah! You have no idea. Can't even begin to imagine - what I could do. What I - did. But hey, it was worth it. Kept you all alive, didn't it?"
Jack's mind flashed back to his own anger and the wild-eyed stranger who had lashed out at him down in the mine. What had Daniel said to them - had he been trying to tell him something, even as spaced out as he was?
She wants me to marry her. That's what Daniel had said to him, with that strange, drugged and yet haunted look in his eyes. Daniel had been trying to tell him - and he hadn't understood.
Your way didn't work. Now I'm handling it. He'd said that as well. Jack felt sick. This was just getting worse and worse.
"I'm sorry," he heard himself blurt out. "I didn't know."
"You weren't supposed to know!" Daniel practically spat the words at him. "Nobody was supposed to know. Nobody."
His voice fell away as the anger suddenly drained from him, to be replaced by shame and grief. He drew himself up tightly and the sleeping bag that enfolded the man began to shake. Jack reached out and put a hand on Daniel's shoulder, hoping that a small gesture of support would do - something - to help.
"DON'T!" The cry erupted from Daniel as he twisted violently out from under Jack's hand, fighting with the sleeping bag and trying to escape from it in order to pull away from the man beside him. "Just - don't. I haven't needed your help so far. I don't need your pity now."
"That's what you think this is?" Jack asked softly. "Pity? Daniel?"
Daniel was sitting up now. Jack could feel him trembling with renewed anger across the ever-widening space between them. "And I don't want THAT from you either. Your all-consuming need to usurp total responsibility for everything that happens to everyone on 'your watch'. Your guilt at not being omniscient. At not having figured it out - at not being able to be there to pull the dumb screw-up's ass out of the fire, yet again, to 'save' me from the consequences of my own stupidity. Well, I didn't need you to. Yes, I screwed up. I let the whole team down and put you all in danger. And I paid for it. Oh, I paid. But I also did my duty. I did everything I had to do to make it right. All by myself. End of story. I finally did the right thing, Jack. Give me that and leave me the hell alone. All I want now is for Sha'uri to find the grace to forgive me when I have to tell her."
// And you will tell her, won't you.//
Jack was glad that the darkness hid his face from Daniel. His shock and utter dismay at what he had learned and what he was hearing had to be plastered all over him. He knew he had to get a grip on it, had to figure out something to say, but Daniel's rage was almost like a living thing - a monster such as he had never thought could have come from someone as gentle and forgiving as his - friend. How long had it been in there, squatting in darkness, building, growing in the secret places, waiting for the time when it could come out fully furled and uglier than the ugliest of nightmares. How long had it been there, and how much had he done and said, to feed it? To help it grow.
He had seen a bit of it in the mine, but hadn't recognized it for what it was. He could only pray that the price for his blindness was not more than he was willing to pay.
"Daniel," he started uncertainly. "Listen to me. I want - "
//Too late, Jack, too late. He's not listening any more. //
"I know what you WANT!" Daniel was gone. There was only the monster, and it was not his friend.
"You want me to smile and say, 'It's okay, Jack. I don't mind that you have shoved your nose in where it doesn't belong. I don't mind that you didn't listen to me. I don't mind that you spied on me and pried into something that you had no business prying into.' I'll just forget all that, and be your good little space monkey again. Forgiving everything, just - letting it slide like it was nothing. Like I always do. That's what you want. Well, you're not going to get it. Not this time.
"I asked you to leave it alone, Jack. To leave me alone. I begged you. But no, you wouldn't. You had to keep coming and coming and coming. You wouldn't listen to me. I needed you to do that. I needed you to be my friend and understand. That's all I wanted from you. Just to LEAVE ME ALONE."
The words tumbled from Daniel's lips, low and hot with rage. A torrent of fury battered Jack as he crouched numbly beside the monster, dumbly allowing it to sear him to his soul. There was nothing else he could do.
"You had no business here. No business prying into this. I didn't ask you to. I warned you. God! I warned you! Why didn't you listen? Why didn't you respect my wishes? This is MINE, Jack. My problem. My secret. My shame. Mine! I didn't want you to have any part of it. Ever! Your clout won't help you now, Colonel O'Neill, Sir! You might be able to order me around out there - but you can't order me now. You can't force me to change, you can't make me be what you want or make me do what you want. Not in this. You can't make me give this up and I won't. It's mine. Mine. Might be the only thing I have left that really is. I don't want you here. I don't. I don't - "
Daniel's voice broke, finally. His head fell into his hands. A ragged whisper issued from behind them. "I betrayed you back then. You've betrayed me now. Guess that makes us - even. I don't want to talk about this anymore. Please, just - go."
The gulf between them yawned, seeming to span the entire universe. It was so vast; Daniel was so far away. Jack tried to reach across it, one last time, to see if Daniel was willing to meet him at least part of the way.
"All right, I'll go. But if you need anything - you know where to find me."
"Don't hold your breath waiting."
Jack sprang to his feet, forced back by the harsh emptiness of those words. This was bad. This was really bad. That felt - final. Oh god, what had he done?
His hands dropped to his sides. He was having trouble seeing. He knew he should do something - but. There didn't seem to be anything here for him anymore.
Unable to do anything else, he turned and slowly walked away, trying not to hear the muffled sounds of weeping behind him. Jack let the night wrap around him as he stood on the edge of the camp, looking at nothing, keeping a futile watch over the ruination of his world.