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Part 9: Daniel [by Jmas]
That's it, then.
I'm off the team.
Before...all of this...I would have fought the General's decision, but now...
I really don't belong out there anymore, if I ever did. Too many times I've put my friends in danger, too many times I've rushed into places that Jack and the others never would...I'm going to get them killed if I stay with them. That's why I can't....
Jack's been looking at me strangely since I woke up. He doesn't understand. For some reason, he's trying to make excuses for me, for what I did...but he's wrong. I have to leave SG1, now, before....
I have to choke back a moan at the thought and receive another in a long line of concerned looks from Jack. He looks terrible, lines of exhaustion and worry etched plainly on his face. My fault there, too. He shouldn't be here. He shouldn't have to be. I don't deserve his concern.
God, it hurts. I've never experienced this kind of pain before. But it's the thoughts, the memories of what I did and said that hurt even more. It seems like every time I close my eyes there's more to remember...more to regret...more to hate myself for....
// Trust me. And I will trust you. I promise. // Shyla's voice, sweetly entreating...
//How many times have you used that thing?// Sam's voice, concerned even in its exhaustion.
//All you guys have to do is hang in there...// My own voice...saying that and so many other stupid things....sounding so...foreign to that other part of myself that seemed to be watching from far away, recognizing that this was all wrong....
God, I left them there.
I couldn't focus on reality enough to realize that my friends were dying. ...and there's nothing I can say or do that will ever make that right again...
I wish I could get out of here. I know Jack's trying to help, he is helping, but want...I need...to be alone...