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Part 19: Daniel [by Jmas]
I feel...almost...human, again. Who knew that a shower could wash away more than just the sweat and grime? I caught Jack staring at me as I tried to dress on my own for the first time in... I don't even know how long it's been since we came back to Earth, much less how long it's taken to...withdraw...from the sarcophagus' effects. I don't think I really want to know. Not yet. I know I've lost weight, Jack had to cut a new notch in my belt for me. I feel...not exactly better...but more me than I have in a long time. I've still got a slight tremor in my hands and my energy level is way down near the bottom of the barrel, I barely got through the shower without having to ask for help; but I actually wanted the so-called food they brought to me this morning...so that's got to be good.
Jack says it's normal to feel this way; somehow, I'm sure he knows what he's talking about. What worries me is the looks I keep getting from him. Sam said that Hammond changed his mind about civilians on SG teams, and I'm glad...for the others. I just don't know if I have it in me yet to ask to come back...even if Jack would let me. I'm guessing that's what all the looks are about. He's not sure if he can trust me; I don't blame him, I don't know if I trust myself anymore. And right now I can't seem to come up with a single good reason for him to try.
Jack hands me off to Tealc at my lab with orders to do nothing more strenuous than read. I wonder how long they're going to keep up the baby-sitter routine. It's not necessary anymore, Janet told them that the physical effects are all but gone. I know the last episode down in storage must've been pretty hairy, but...
A knock at he door interrupts those thoughts and Feretti sticks his head in the door with that same goofy smile that always makes me laugh. "Hey, Doc!"
I try to return the smile, but I know I don't quite make it. I wave him in and he comes to sit beside me on the sofa. Feretti looks up at Teal'c like he's trying to decide something, then he tells Teal'c that he's needed in the briefing room and promises to stay with me. Teal'c gives Feretti a long, almost threatening, look then leaves.
"Guess he told me," Feretti grins, then his expression grows serious. "How's it going, Daniel?"
Feretti's...Feretti. He's seen me in the best and worst of times, from the very beginning, and I've found I can tell him a lot of things I can't discuss with my...team...things I know would upset them, or make them think less of me. Now is no different.
"I don't know, Feretti. I should probably just quit before I...." I can't finish that thought, but he nods as if I had. "But then there's Sha're. And the team. I don't want to leave SG1, but I'm afraid if I don't I'll just screw up bigger next time and get one of them killed...or worse..."
Feretti looks at me for a long moment, then looks around my office. "So what are you gonna do? Hole up down here and translate whatever they bring to you?"
I shrug my shoulders, I hadn't given it much thought beyond the obvious. I want to continue that part of the work, that much I do know.
"Daniel, you just going to let those people out there, all those people like the ones on Abydos down?"
I know I look confused. What's he getting at?
Feretti looks at me directly now, his eyes piercing into me. "Us military types, we just don't get it. The people out there on the other side of the gate, they're slaves, most of them. You think the brass cares about them? If they send troops back to that planet to get the naquadah, you think they're going to stop and think about all those people that crazy king's got chained up in there. You think they're going to care if some of them die in the cross-fire."
I didn't even know they were planning to go back, much less... They can't go in there in force and... Stop it. Not your problem anymore, Daniel. But...
Feretti smiles at me, like he knows what I'm thinking. "They need you, Daniel. This place needs you. SG1 needs you, too...they're just scared right now because they almost lost you. "
I can't listen to this. Nobody needs me. I jump to my feet and start pacing... wobbly pacing, but pacing.
"Feretti, I almost let them die in that mine. I said things that can't be forgiven. I almost killed Jack and that guard for God's sake!"
Feretti jumps up and looks me in the eye. "That's just it Daniel. Almost. Somewhere under all that voodoo that thing put you under, you knew. You did get them out of there. You didn't shoot O'Neill. You didn't kill the guard, he's not real happy about it, but he understands.The words...that you might have to do some talking about. But nobody...and I mean nobody...around here blames you for falling under that voodoo...It could have happened to any one of us."
That cuts into me in a totally unexpected way and I turn my back on him so he can't see the tears that spring into my eyes. "But it didn't..."
I pull myself together as I realize that I need to do something, something I should have done already.
"Feretti, can you take me somewhere?"