Old Friends

Part 16

Spike’s P.O.V.

~Watchers’ place. Drop the keys on the table. Here comes old Rupert.~

“Welcome back, Spike.”

“Ta, mate.”

“Did everything… I mean to say… er… uh, how is Angel?”

“He’s good. How was everything here?”

“Fine… fine. So Angel’s back in order?”

“Yeah… uh… I need to have a chat with you, could use some advice.”

“Certainly… I’ll do what I can.”

“See… Here’s the thing… Bein’ a Watcher, I’m sure you know what Vampires do…uh, yanno… in regards to sex, an’ all…”

“Uh… erm… well, yes. It’s a widely known fact… that… well, you know…Sires… uh, Spike, I’m rather uncomfortable discussing your sex life with your Sire… I don’t know how much help I’m able to manage in this capacity.”

“I’m not askin’ you for bleedin’ advice on how to have sex with Angel…”

“Well, I thought… yes… well, carry on, then.”

“Bloody well know how to have sex with Angel… I mean… come on! S’not like ya look at me an’ think ‘choir boy’… or maybe you do…”

~Eyebrow lift~

“I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have presumed… I apologize Spike… please carry on with your… uh… whatever it is you need advice on. And no, I don’t think about choir boys when I look at you…”

“So, when do ya think about choir boys?” “

Never… I mean… If I see them… I think… Oh… stop this! You are insufferable at times. Is there something you need to ask me? If so, can we please move on with it?”

“Right, jes’ checkin’. So… like I was sayin’… Me an’ Angel… reckon ya know what we’re doin’… an’… what with you leavin’… well, I wanna go to LA. There. Problem is… gotta make sure someone’s there for Niblet an’ Slayer…”

“Well, I’m not changing my flight plans because you’ve decided to move in with… move away… ahem… yes, and well, I think you needn’t worry too much about Buffy, she needs to learn to manage on her own. She needs to be responsible for herself and her charge. She’ll never learn that if I… if we’re always there for her to run to.”

“Hear me out?”

“Spike… I…”

“Please?”

“Right… yes, well… carry on.”

“She is a responsible girl. There’s not one of you… of us that’s more responsible than her. Got the weight o’ the world on her shoulders. You runnin’ off cause ya think she’s irresponsible is… well, for lack of a better term, retarded. Ya know what that girl has to face on a daily basis, an’ yer expectin’ her to hold down a job, tend to Little Bit’s needs, pay the bills, watch over her friends, an’ stop the world from endin’ every few days.”

“Spike… she is The Chosen One.”

“Yeah… Birthright. They really effed her up on that one, mate. So she’s got super-strength… what of it? She was supposed to live, fight an’ die young. An’ she has… a few times now. An’ she’s done it well. She’s a warrior. But she’s got a heart… an’ no one’s accountin’ for that. Everyone leaves her. Her Mum… gone. Angel… couldn’t bear to give her a dead man in her bed… Captain Cardboard… runs away when the goin’ gets tough… Her Dad… give’s a flip about her, that’s what… but she’s got you… The only thing in her life that’s dedicated to keepin’ her sane… whose sole purpose is watchin’ over her, as she’s watchin’ out for everyone else.”

“And what of you? You’re leaving her.”

“Rupert… What am I? I’m muscle. An extra pair o’ fists an’ fangs when the big ugly goes down. I’m replaceable.”

“You’re her friend.”

“She’s got lots of friends. She’s got exactly one Watcher.”

~He’s quiet. Reflectin’ I reckon. I’m right. He knows that.~

“LA isn’t that far…”

“Right… an’ if she needs me, I’m here in an instant. That doesn’t change. But it’s not me she needs.”

“She’s strong. She’s resilient…”

“You keep tellin’ yerself that.”

~Grab me jacket, an’ turn to walk out.~

“Maybe one day, you’ll believe it.”

~Bloody hell… When did Droopy show up.~

“And for those of us in the listening audience that just joined in… Can I just say – what the hell is going on here.”

“Xander… Spike was… he was uh…”

“Nothin’ bum bandit… was jes’ givin’ Watcher a hard time.”

“Why?”

“I’m evil… what can I say?”

“Are you leaving again?”

“Not straight away, no.”

“Oh.”

~Starin’ at me. What?~

“I’m sorry Xander, Spike was on his way out. Is there something the matter?”

“No… Uh… Anya left her purse… I just came back to get it.”

“Ohh… got somethin’ for ya… wait a tic… where’s me sack o’ goodies, Rupe?”

“Over there, in the corner.”

~Grab me bag – Where’s Shaggy’s? Here. Toss him the Sno-globe.~

“Cool! Thanks! Heh… Shaggy. A ghost… I like it… What’s in Santa Barbara?”

“An old friend.”

“Ahh…”

“Got one for you, too, Watcher… Catch.”

“Spike, I… A girl?”

“Hold it upside down.”

“Oh Heavens!”

~Gotta laugh… Tight arse. Even Shaggy’s laughin.~

“Buggery… Buggery Bollocks, eh?”

“I’m glad you find this amusing.”

“Oh, I do…”

~Smirk at him some.~

“C’mon, Spike, it’s not nice to taunt the G-man.”

~Heh, yes it is.~

“No, it’s not, and please stop calling me that.”

~Wonder if he’s like that in bed… ‘Oh, darling… don’t touch me there… wouldn’t be prudent.’… heh!~

“Right then, I’m off… Think about what I said, Rupert… Shaggy? Need an escort?”

“Yeah… Can we stop at the Quick-E Mart… I’m having a Twinkie-fit.”

“Reckon we could… “

~Walk out in the street. Quiet. Odd for the Hellmouth.~

“So… you’re moving away?”

~Not up for gettin’ into this at the moment.~

“Not for a bit. Few things to settle up here before I can leave.”

“Does Buffy know?”

“Not yet… an’ don’t say anythin’… let me tell her.”

~He’s quiet. Dunno what he’s thinkin’.~

“She’s been… uh… relying on you a lot lately.”

“Yeah…”

“Is that why you’re leaving?”

“No.”

“Where are you moving?”

“LA.”

“By Angel?”

“You could say that.”

“Why?”

~An’ there’s the million dollar question… How to do this delicately… Do I care? Bugger. Reckon I do.~

“We’ve come to an… understanding.”

“What’s to understand? You guys hate each other…”

“Ever hear the sayin’ that it’s a fine line between love an’ hate?”

“So you’re gonna go what? Be his Boy Wonder? I think he’s got his gig down pretty well, heard he’s got a posse. Cordy told me.”

“I’m nobody’s Boy Wonder, kid. An’ ‘posse’? Should I start callin’ ya ‘Snoop Shaggy Dogg’, then?”

“Tu-pac will be fine.”

“One-pac… got his knacker shot off, remember?”

“No-pac… he’s dead.”

“Right then, No-pac it is.”

“Well, if you’re not gonna be his back up… Why are you going?”

~Uh… thought the whole love/hate thing woulda tipped him off. Not that bright, are ya, Whelp… Don’t make me work fer this.~

“Goin’ because… Uh… Tell me, ya ever read any o’ those old books o’ Ruperts’?”

“Tons… Research… Duh…”

“Right… an’ about the whole Vampire bit… Reckon ya done yer fair share o’ lookin’ into the old ways…”

“The old…oh.”

~Right… you remember now… Hey there, pheromone boy… Glad to see yer back in action.~

“Yeah… so… uh… we came to understandin’.”

“You already said that.”

“So I did.”

“Have you guys… you know… done it?”

~This could be fun… Got nothin’ but time… make him squirm some.~

“Done what?”

~Dunno if the innocent bit’s gonna fly… Throw it out there… see what happens.~

“You know…it.”

“No… tell me what it is… must be a language barrier… you kids today…”

~Ha! Ha Ha!~

“Well, Spike… when a man and a woman… or a man and a man… or a woman and a woman… but not so much with a woman and a woman… because there’s not a whole lot of this going on.”

~He’s made a fist outta one hand, an’ he’s pokin’ through it with his finger… Oh Bloody Hell… This is classic… I’m gonna die… again… HA!~

“Oh yeah… exactly… Angel an’ I sit around pokin’ our fists with our fingers… that’s what.”

“You’re such a dick.”

~He’s grinnin’ at me… he knows how ridiculous this is.~

“Oh I’m bad… yeah.”

~In front of the Quick-E Mart now. Get me some piss-water… head back to the crypt… call Angel.~

“I think I need something stronger than Twinkies.”

“Choc-O-Diles?”

“I can appreciate how your mind works, sometimes.”

~An’ yer wonderin’ what it’d be like to have me slammin’ it home on yer backside, Cor… can smell it on ya… ~

“Right… I’ll be at the beer case… get me some o’ those honey buns… like those, I do.”

“Roger that.”

~Huh? Oh… Soldier-boy flashback… Are you now, or have you ever been… best left unsaid. So what we got, then? Yanno… there’s a number of American beers that are highly underrated… sadly, I’m not faced with any o’ those at the moment… Grab a sixer… head to the register.~

“Got your buns.”

~Eyebrow lift.~

“Do ya now?”

“Can I just say … Gross… Thank you… Drive through… problem with this?… Write your Congressman.”

“Must be dark in that closet.”

“Shut up.”

“You shut up.”

“I said it first.”

“Technicality.”

“That’s not the rules!”

“I don’t play by any soddin’ rules… I’m the Big Bad…”

“Whatever… I’ll have you know… I’m… powerful and strong, too.”

“Oh right… The Gods themselves do tremble.”

“Hey!”

“Jes’ yankin’ yer chain, Shaggy… Yer tough as they come.”

“Thank you.”

~Don’t look so smug… I’m yankin’ yer chain right now, too.~

“Pay for this.”

“You have money!”

“Bought you a Sno-Globe… an’ this is the thanks I get?”

“Fine!”

~Ha!~

“Eighteen dollars, please.”

“You’re an expensive date, you know that?”

“Yanno what they say… nothin’ good comes cheap.”

~Walk outta the store, headin’ towards the Whelp’s flat now.~

“So… will you come back…you know… for visits and things?”

“’Course… You can come see me, too…”

“Who am I gonna play pool with?”

“Red plays a mean game.”

“Yeah…”

~In front of his flat. He’s quiet an’ lookin’ down at his feet.~

“Gonna miss me?”

“Like I miss ice cream headaches.”

~Still lookin’ down.~

“Right then, best get in before the nasties get ya.”

“Yeah…”

~Bugger… don’t jes’ stand there. Say somethin’… or move yer arse.~

“Waitin’ for a peck on the cheek, then?”

~That got him laughin’.~

“I hope… things work out… with you, you know…”

“Ta, luv. Go on with ya… get in.”

“Still waiting for my peck on the cheek…”

~Now we’re both laughing.~

“C’mere.”

“I’m here.”

“Always wondered, did ya?”

“Kinda.”

~Lean in, press my lips softly to his. Nothin’ obscene… Jes’ somethin’ soft for him.~

“Now ya know.”

~Face is flushed an’ he’s breathin’ heavy.~

“Guess so.”

“Go on, five finger shuffle’s waitin’ for ya upstairs.”

“Yeah…”

~Watch as he opens the door, an’ turns around to look at me.~

“And, Spike…”

“Yeah?”

“I miss ice cream headaches already.”

“’Course ya do… yer a shirt lifter.”

“A what?”

“Nothin’, pet… Sleep tight.”

“’Night, Spike…”

~Turn towards home, punch in Angel’s number.~

“Hello?”

“Angel…”

“Will…”

~Miss him… so much already… fuck.~

“So where are you?”

“Caritas.”

“Karaoke joint?”

“Yeah…”

“Yer chums around?”

“Lorne and Cordy.”

“When ya leavin’ for home?”

“Miss you…”

~Jes’ a whisper… but I can hear it.~

“Miss you, too, pet.”

~Hear the Princess babblin’ on in the background about somethin’ or other.~

“Uhm…”

“What?”

“Cordy wants to… talk to you. You okay with this?”

“Sure… put her on.”

“Hang on… Here.”

“Spike?”

“Yeah, luv.”

“Okay… first off, the Sunnydale standard shovel speech. I have one. I know how to use it. Got it?”

“Got it.”

“Second… If anything happens to him, if you hurt him… You thought Angelus was bad? Try suffering the wrath of a pissed off homecoming queen.”

“I have no doubt.”

“Thirdly… The irony of using a phallic shaped weapon… not lost on me.”

“Saucy little thing. Got it.”

“Fourthly… Is that a word?”

“Doesn’t matter… go with it.”

“Okay… so fourthly… We’re doing something about your hair.”

“Oi! What’s wrong with me coif?”

“Uhm… split ends are tres tacky. I’m thinking deep oil treatment, some conditioning shampoo… Paul Mitchell makes the greatest dry hair repair leave-on conditioner… and some non-alcohol gel… and have you thought of going honey-blonde? I mean… platinum… cool look and all… If you’re Billy Idol… or a rock star… anyway… but peroxide is really damaging.”

“Wow… that’s a lot o’ words… what’s with the whole acceptin’ me, Princess?”

“Lorne just read Angel!”

“Huh?”

“He’s like a psychic vending machine… You sing, instead of inserting money in the slot.”

“Sounds like an’ interestin’ enough bloke.”

“He’s great… you’ll love him… Anyway, he said Angel was on the right path, and that there wasn’t any darkness surrounding your… uhm… what did you call it again, Lorne?”

~Hear him mumble somethin’.~

“Oh… Coupling. Ew. Anyway… So – you… Angel… hot monkey sex?”

“Uh… Ya might wanna take that up with him. Dunno how comfortable he is with the whole discussin’ our… uh… thing.”

“It’s fine, really… He already told me. Anyway, Lorne wants to say hi. But remember what I said about the shovel and the phallic stick.”

“Couldn’t forget if I tried.”

~Hear the phone bein’ passed.~

“Well hello, hello puddin pop… You must be the twinkling star that put the light back in tall dark and menacing’s eyes.”

“The one and the same, pet. Yer the Host, then?”

“I am, Snookums.”

~Okay… some of us are jes’ demons… an’ some of us are jes’ gay. He’s a poofter… a real one… not like Angel. But I’m alright with that… friendly enough bloke, he is.~

“So what’d he sing for the readin’?”

“The Pina Colada song.”

“I’m sorry? Pina Colada?”

“You know, sugar… ‘If you like Pina Colada’s… gettin’ caught in the rain…’ ring any bells?”

“Oh Bugger!”

~Howlin’ out in laughter…~

“He didn’t… tell me he didn’t…”

“Oh he did, sweet cheeks.”

“Wager it was bloody awful.”

“Oh it was, trust me.”

“Poor Peaches… must be traumatized by his own voice by now.”

“He’s improving… marginally.”

“I highly doubt that.”

“I was going for polite there.”

“And you were doin’ a damned fine job of it, let me tell ya.”

“Thank you, sugar plum… I’ll give you back to Gorgeous George now.”

~Once again, passin’ me around like I’m a bloody tray of hors d’oeuvres.~

“Hey…”

“Hey, yerself.”

“Have a good time laughing at me?”

“Oh… ’course not, Peaches… wouldn’t wanna do that… never do that.”

~Heh.~

“If you actually attempted to remove some of the sarcasm in your voice, I might be touched.”

“Oh… I’ll touch ya alright.”

“Mmm.”

“Love hearin’ that sound… I’m home now.”

“Go inside…”

“Love to.”

“Ssshit.”

“Gettin’ a stiffy?”

“Yeah…”

“Ya gonna call me when ya get home?”

“Of course. Are you inside now?”

“Yeah, pet… Whatcha wanna hear?”

“You know.”

~Sit down, undo me trousers… grip me cock… a nice hard stroke… an’ moan softly into the phone.~

“That what, Angel?”

~Hear him breathin’ softly against the phone.~

“Careful, pet. Won’t do to have you all worked up an’ no place to go…”

“Yeah…”

“Go on home… call me… I’ll talk ya through it.”

“Love you.”

“Love you, too, Angel.”

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