July 2nd, 2000

Dear Blair:

Well, today was a shitty day. You were busy helping Rafe and Brown all day so I was stuck with the damn paperwork. Then you came home and fell asleep. Like it was my fault that you were out running around all day long. Okay, I realize it is not something you can say no to, but I hate it. Yes, I said I hate it. It makes me crazy when you work with other people and I hate doing paper work. I am miserable. I know I am a selfish shit, so don't even start on me. You are a journal, and I still can hear your voice, lecturing me.

Blair, you have been so busy lately that I don't think that you notice that we seem to be drifting apart. I know it has only been two days, since I started this damn thing, but I read the first part and I sounded so happy. I am not a happy camper tonight. I had to fix dinner, I had to shower by myself I might add and I had to go to bed and find you asleep already. I wanted you so badly. I tried to wake you up and you said no for the first time. You said you were tired and sore. What the hell did you do today? I am going to be sure to ask Brown and Rafe. All right, again, it is not fair; I am blaming you for doing your job. But damn it chief, I want you here for me.

I want you tonight. I need you. And I don't seem to matter to you at all. Oh shut up, Journal, don't tell me I should go to overacting school. Simon called me in his office today and said, where is your better half? Can you believe it? What is up with that? We are partners, not lovers while at work. I hate when he does that. I know, I know, I wanted him to be comfortable with our lifestyle, well, I am taking that back now. :( He didn't really want to talk to me, just wanted to know where you were. I feel like I am slowly being replaced. I know if you were awake, you would be playing the world's smallest violin. I know I will be all right. I just don't have to like it.

I watched you today, you are so sure of yourself and I also watched other people watching you. You have no idea how much effect you have on all of them. There is one guy from traffic that keeps following you around like a little lost dog. And it is starting to piss me off. I am so sorry I promised to leave our love life at home. I hate that. I should be able to tell you that he is after you. I already know what you will say, "take a chill pill, big guy." Doesn't make me feel any better. He is still going to be following you and you are almost flirting with him. I said, almost. Not really, just enough to keep him interested. I guess I will have to talk to you about it tomorrow. Would it hurt to miss me as much as I missed you today? Sometimes you don't seem to need me as much as I need you. This makes me very angry. I am mad. Yes, I can be mad. It is allowed. Especially in the journal.

Tomorrow you are going to be working with Brown and Rafe again; you are doing an undercover assignment. You can't even tell me. You could if you really loved me. :( But noooooo. Instead I will be doing not only my paperwork, but also Simon wants me to help Conner catch up on Rafe's and Browns. Like this is something we want to do. She is as pissed off as I am about this.

Conner and I went to lunch today and she told me I was an asshole. I mean I asked her to lunch, and she calls me that. Can you believe it? Well, she did. She said I am selfish, I know I am, cheap, I know I am this too, and has no patience with you. Now this is not true. I have all the patience in the world. Or I would be upstairs waking you up, no matter what you said to me.

I will just sit all day and finish those papers and hopefully you will come home and want to talk or something. I miss you, babe. You are my life and without you in it, it seems empty. But if I don't shape up my act you won't be saying or doing anything to or with me. Please don't grow tired of me, Chief. I love you so much. I am too old to start over again. And I don't think I could stand having to find someone new. You are it for me. I am going to talk to you about it tomorrow. We will see what you say.

Well, I guess I should get some of the laundry done since I can't sleep. So I will be off doing that in a moment. Here is the damn poem.

Fucking Blair

Oh Blair I want to fuck.
But first of all I will suck.
Then I will carefully lick.
Your delicious dick.

It will be in my mouth and I will make you cum.
You will be drunk on love, as if you had too much rum.
You will cum like you have never ever come.
As you lie back, your body feeling numb.

Then I shall flip you over and give it to your rough.
I would worry about that, but know you are tough.
Your body is beautiful, I want you now.
Give me everything, your love showing me how.

Fucking you slow, long and making you crazy.
I am beginning to like this new way, it is kind of lazy.
Taking my time, making you plead.
As I come all of a sudden, planting my seed.

We lie together and we feel, as we are one.
I can't believe that it is already over and done.
Can't wait for the rematch, I will make you nuts.
As I carefully put you to sleep, by rubbing your butt.

Jim (I told you I wasn't a poet)