The Envoy
"What?"
"This—this picture! From your wallet!"
"What the hell are you doing in my wallet? Investigative
FBI stuff?"
"No, Alex, you left it in your pocket. In the laundry. And
I was trying to find out what I could salvage from the
waterlogged remains."
"Right. Okay, Mulder, guilty as charged."
"No shit. Guilty of THIS, though? Jesus!"
"Look, Mulder, I didn't—"
"Like hell you didn't."
"She didn't mean anything to me, Mulder. I told you,
I don't like maneaters. Not even nordic blondes."
"Yeah, sure. So you've got her nude picture in your
wallet because..."
"Blackmail. In case I ever need diplomatic help."
"Riiiiiiight. Help with what, Alex, your hard-on? If I'd
have known you were laying the Ice Princess, I'd have used
condoms. Or maybe Polarfleece. Jesus."
"Mulder, why are you so upset? You know I love you; you
know I've had to do some pretty scummy things in the
line of duty."
"That's pretty scummy, all right. Marita Do-the-Dirty-to-Me,
or howeverthehell she pronounces it."
"Mulder, you're—My God, you're jealous. That's so sweet."
"I am NOT jealous! Why would I be jealous? She's off somewhere
in a walk-in freezer for vacation, probably playing with a
popsicle, and I'm right here with you. Doing this. And this,
and this..."
"Then—uh!—why are you so—ummmm!—upset?"
"If you were fucking her, and now you're fucking me—"
"Being fucked by you, Mulder, or hadn't you—ah!—
noticed?
"If you've fucked us both, maybe I don't like your taste
in lovers. I mean, Jesus, me and the Icicle. What does that
say about me?"
"I'll tell you—oh!—oh!—what I'll say about you if—
Oh God!—you don't shut up about that bitch and start moving
faster RIGHT NOW!"
"Quit yelling, Alex, or I'm gonna impound your diplomatic pouch."
"Okay, okay! Just—unh!—let's get on with this—ah!—
investigative probe, shall we?
Ze Von I Love III
by Nonie Rider
"Alex!"
