Alex was reasonably sure that he was sane, although a
few of his decisions of the past few hours were making him
wonder. Lying to his lover, sneaking out to meet one of the
few people from his past that he didn't want dead—it didn't
bode well at all.
The nightmare had woke him up at five am, drenched
with sweat and utterly terrified. He hadn't made a single
move, though, or a sound—he was incapable, in his dream—
restrained, gagged, helpless. Mulder hadn't stirred as he
got up and wiped his face with shaking hands. He slid back
into bed with no notice.
Mulder was up at seven, looking remarkably well for a
man who'd only had four hours sleep. He left to pick up
Beth, kissing Alex good-bye at the door. They made plans
to meet for lunch back at the apartment.
And so Alex had dressed, strapping on the shoulder
holster that hadn't been worn in months, underneath the
leather jacket; carrying the pistol in it which had once been
his best defense, hiding a second weapon in the back of his
jeans. He was careful, tense, and when he looked in the
mirror, he saw a man whom he had thought was long dead.
Alexei.
"Why did we have to have such an early appointment?" Beth
was yawning, drinking her terrible too-sweet drive-through
coffee.
"It was the only time I could get this week."
She smiled, not meeting his eyes. "You were so
worried that I'd cancel again?"
"Do you blame me?"
"Uh-unh. I commend you on your perception." She
sipped a little more, grimacing. "What if I can't be
hypnotized?"
"That's not the only procedure that he uses, it's just the
most direct, and the one that he's going to try first." He
glanced at her. "It's going to be okay, you know."
"I know. I'm supposed to be telling you, though.
You've got more to lose than me."
He was silent. She was taking this too well, again.
Now that she had agreed to do something, she went into it
with both eyes open. Of course, she didn't expect anything
to come of it.
And, he was the one who could lose. He could lose
Samantha. Again.
"I wasn't sure if you'd come."
"I said I would. I always keep my word." He strolled
over to her. "Why are you here?"
She smiled at him, shrugged, "I was in town. I heard
that things are going well for you. I thought I'd see for
myself."
He nodded, not smiling. "And who, may I ask, is
providing you with your information these days?"
She made a broad gesture. "Life, Alexei, teaches you
a lot of things. Human nature, too. I knew you wouldn't
leave him again."
"It's Alex, if you don't mind."
"Actually, I do mind. I mind being double-crossed. I
mind being lied to. I mind a lot of things." She glanced
down at his hand, gripping the table edge. "However, I think
your name change could be overlooked." She smiled at
him, tightly. "Certain other things cannot be, I'm afraid."
"Are you?" He said, with a subtly even tone, and
leaned towards her. "Are you afraid?"
She started to laugh. "Now there is the Alexei I know."
She clapped him on the shoulder. "It's good to see you
again."
"I'm going to attempt to put you under. Some people don't
respond to hypnotic suggestion at all, so don't be upset if
you don't. It can be expedient, however." Dr. Hanson
glanced at Mulder. "Are you saying?"
"I'd rather he did, if you don't mind," Beth said.
"Of course, if that's what you want. As you asked, I'll
be recording this session. I also have the list of questions
that your brother wanted me to ask you." He lowered the
lights in the office. His voice surrounded her, soothing her.
She felt very tired, and very light, almost as if she was
floating.
"You're very young, just a little girl. I want you to tell
me the first thing that you remember."
"I can't reach it," she said, in a childish voice.
"What can't you reach?"
"I can't. The table's in the way. Mom, I can't reach it.
Mom, make him stop. I can't reach it."
"Where are you?"
"Living room. He put it on the table, and I can't reach
it."
"What are you trying to reach?"
"He put it there."
"Okay. We'll get it for you. Can you tell me how old
you are?"
"Dunno. I want my doll back."
"Can you tell me your name?"
"'mantha 'lizabeth." Mulder glanced at the doctor. "I
want my doll back," Beth said.
"Okay, Samantha. I want you to move forward a little,
now. You're five years old. It's your birthday."
"Mommy, why can't I have a birthday party? Fox had a
birthday party."
"Why won't she let you have a party?"
"I'm not that sick. It's itchy."
"What's itchy?"
"Fox said I have the chicken spots. I don't chicken
spots. He said I'll turn into a chicken. I don't want to be a
chicken!"
The doctor smiled. "You won't turn into a chicken,
don't worry." He glanced at Mulder, who nodded. He
remembered torturing his little sister with wild tales that
she'd turn into a chicken from 'chicken spots.'
"Okay, you're over the chicken spots. You're eight
years old. It's Christmas time."
Her eyes lit up. "Daddy! Daddy came back. Daddy,
what did you bring me?" She frowned. "Daddy?"
"What did your Daddy bring you, Samantha?"
"He forgot again. I wanted a snowball. He said he'd
bring me a snowball. He forgot again."
"Didn't he bring you anything?"
She shook her head. "Just for Fox."
"No, Juda, I don't want you dead."
"I suppose I should be glad for that. Believe me, I
know that if you did, I'd be dead already."
"And you didn't think that you were taking a chance,
phoning me?"
"Oh, I remember a few things. I have some fond
memories of the past. Don't you?" She smiled at him.
"Things weren't always so difficult between us."
"No."
"And I know that you'd do almost anything to keep that
handsome lover of yours safe and happy." He bristled.
"You're very loyal, Alexei," she soothed. "I believe that's the
first I learned about you. It's the thing that most people don't
know, isn't it? How very, very loyal you can be."
"Perhaps you should get to the point."
"Perhaps." She reached into her bag, and slid an
envelope towards him. "I need a few things. Hardly
anything important to the people who have them now, but
somewhat urgent for me. I thought you might be able to
help me."
"You came all this way to have me steal something?"
"Oh no, darling, don't worry, nothing like that. I just
need a few—ideas, that's all. A little input. Simple, isn't it?"
She stood. "Read that over. I'll get in touch with you in a
day or two."
He nodded.
Before she left, she caressed his cheek. "Oh, Alexei,
we really do miss you sometimes."
He watched her leave.
She was listening to the tape. "I still don't remember," she
shook her head.
"That's not unusual. The memories are there, you just
can't access them. That's usually what memory loss
involves—not a lack of memories to remember, but a loss of
the tools of retrieval."
"Why did you bring me back?"
"I don't want to push you all at once. We can try again
later and see what you remember."
"But I thought you didn't have any more time this week.
I don't want to wait to find out what happened."
"Oh, believe me, I'll make time for this. You are a
perfect case for hypnotherapy. I'm fascinated by this whole
session."
"Well, I guess I'm glad." She turned to her brother.
"How are you?"
"Sorry I told you you'd turn into a chicken."
She laughed. "Don't be. I knew you were kidding.
Probably."
He hugged her. "Thank you."
"Hey, it's for both of us, remember? And don't you
dare get mushy on me now."
He backed off. "I wouldn't dream of it."
She groaned. "I just hope I don't."
He stared at the photos spread across the kitchen table. It
seemed to be an ordinary warehouse, but there was
something naggingly familiar about it. The blueprints
weren't helping, either, nor did the address. But there was
something—
The apartment door opened. Mulder back already?
Shit!
He smoothly slid all of the contents back into the
manila envelope, and pushed it into a stack of magazines on
the counter. When his lover came into the room, he was
leaning against the counter, sipping his coffee.
"I was hoping that you'd be here." Mulder was flying
about a foot off the ground. "She's remembering—well,
under the hypnosis, but still! It's her. It's really her. It
feels like her. And we're doing something, and we're
getting answers, and—god I love you!"
Alex smiled. Mulder grabbed him and lifted him into a
hug, spilling his coffee on the floor. Before he would let him
pick up the pieces of the shattered mug, Mulder had him by
the arm, dragging him to the bedroom.
"Whoa,—Mulder? What the hell?" Alex was laughing.
"The coffee—the mug—Mulder, it's only ten in the morning."
"Oh, god, don't say that like it's a bad thing. Since
when has time ever stopped us from making love?" He
thought for a moment. "Don't tell me the honeymoon's
over?"
Alex kissed him. "No, but, don't you have to work?"
"Took the day off. You?"
He shook his head.
"Don't tell me you're not in the mood."
Alex cocked an eyebrow at him, and rubbed their
groins together. Mulder gasped at the heat he felt radiating
from the other man. "So, what's the problem?"
"Problem? Who said there was a problem?"
"I trust he was amenable."
"Of course. He trusts me. You chose well, as always."
She paused. "Besides, it's not as if he had a choice."
"You made that clear."
"I thought it was best to proceed as far as I can without
threats," she said. "When they're necessary, then I'll use
them."
The pause on the other end of the line was
uncomfortably long. Juda held her breath.
"Very well," the voice finally said. "We will trust your
discretion."
She didn't let the breath out until she heard the dial
tone.
There were clothes shed from one end of the apartment to
the other. Shirts in the kitchen, jeans in the hallway, a sock
in the magazine stand in the living room, another hanging
from the ceiling fan. A third was peeking out from under the
bed, and the fourth was still on it's owner's foot.
"Mulder—god!"
The mouth was on him again. He was pinned to the
bed, Mulder holding his wrists down, preventing him the
slightest movement. His nipples were so hard they were
actually sore, and still Mulder was biting at them, grinding
his hips into Alex's rock-hard erection. They were both
leaking copious amounts of pre-cum.
"Mulder!"
"Hm?" He sounded mildly distracted.
He pushed against his lover again, but Mulder was
deceptively strong, for his build. Even with the weight
advantage, Alex had trouble moving him. And when he was
determined to keep Alex in one spot, that was where he
would stay.
"MULDER!" he screamed it out, finally gaining his
lover's full attention. When he had stopped moving against
him, Alex said, quietly, "Fuck me now."
Mulder's eyes widened, then narrowed knowingly. He
turned Alex swiftly, uncaring that he was now laying on a
painful erection. He spread him wide, spit on a finger, and
pushed inside.
It took only two thrusts before the finger was replaced
by a much larger object.
Alex muffled his screams into the pillow, thrusting back
hard to finish their connection. Mulder lay completely atop
him then, biting his neck and whispering roughly into his
earlobe, "Don't move, or I'll stop right now."
Alex took the threat seriously, gripping the bed with
both fists and digging his feet into the mattress to keep from
bucking and lunging back towards the man who was fucking
him so slowly he thought he'd go insane. Each stroke was
at least a minute long—completely in and completely out.
Alex wavered in between euphoria and the greatest sense of
loss he had ever experienced, unable to stop the sobs from
escaping his throat. His entire body was one taut muscle.
He exploded without moving, without being touched,
with Mulder taking from him everything that he had to give,
using him utterly. And still Mulder was hard and strong
inside him. He was so hot he was going to go up in flames.
His control was amazing. He managed to force
another erection out of Alex, who finally couldn't stop himself
from writhing, squeezing, anything to make Mulder come
inside him.
The scream was so powerful that Alex didn't even
realize that it came from him.
She stood inside the doctor's office. "It's working, then."
He nodded. "She's ideal. I couldn't have asked for a
better patient."
"Yes, well her brother was very hypnotically 'available',
if you know what I mean. We suspected it might be a
genetic predisposition."
"It may just be force of will. Agent Mulder seems to be
the type to do anything to get what he wants."
"Yes. Well, I just wanted to make sure everything was
going well. You know what we want."
"You've made yourself very clear."
"And you've received everything?"
He nodded.
"Well, Doctor Hanson, it's certainly been a pleasure
doing business with you."
When he felt Mulder collapse on top of him, he realized for a
few minutes that he couldn't even remember how to
breathe. It all seemed much too difficult, as if he could just
close his eyes and just be, not think, not feel, not anything.
Mulder coughed a few times and rolled off of him.
He was content to just lie there, feeling the warmth of
Mulder beside him. They didn't ever have to move again.
Slowly, he realized that Mulder's breathing was shallow. He
peeked an eye open and looked at him. Instead of his
flushed and sated lover, he saw a man with a thousand
emotions running across his face, most of them bad. Alex
moved to touch him, but he shrugged away. Forcefully, he
grabbed Mulder by the shoulders and straddled him, holding
him down.
"I'm so—"
But Alex cut the words off mid-stream. "Don't you
dare," he whispered hoarsely. "Don't you dare apologize!
If that wasn't the best sex you've ever had in your life, I'd like
to know what was."
Mulder was silent.
"I love you, and I trust you. I can't possibly find any
words to tell you what just happened here, but I'm yours."
He laughed. "That's such a small word to describe what we
did." He shook his head. "For a moment there, I was you,
fucking me."
Mulder stroked his cheek. "I know."
"I know it scares you to lose control, but you have no
idea what it does to me to see you like that. To know that
you could do anything to me, and I'd let you, and I'd love it,
because I know that you love me." He rolled off of him and
started laughing, feeling euphoric and a little hysterical. "I
feel it so much when we're together. More, even, when you
just lose yourself in me."
"I don't understand that about you," Mulder said, turning
towards him and taking him in his arms. "I don't understand
that about me. It's just that I can look in your eyes
sometimes and read your thoughts—see what you need."
He shrugged. "I don't know where that comes from."
Alex kissed him, plunging deep into his mouth,
devouring him, possessing him. "It comes from you and me
together. Honestly, Mulder, short of actually killing me, I
don't think there's anything I wouldn't let you do."
In a small voice, Mulder asked, "Did I hurt you?"
"No!" Alex said, punctuated by another kiss, just as
deep. "Physically, I'll be a little sore, but I've been sore
before, and so have you." He grinned wickedly at the other
man. "It comes with the territory. But no," he said,
seriously, "you didn't hurt me. Please, please be okay with
this, because I'm going to want it again, sometimes. It's just
part of who I am."
Mulder nodded. "I'll try. That's all I can say."
"That's all I can ask." He snuggled up against Mulder's
lean body, demanding to be held.
"Shower?"
"Well, I could probably stand, but as for walking—"
Mulder groaned.
Alex laughed. "I guess you'll just have to carry me."
Dr. Hanson's office called to schedule Beth's next
appointment for Wednesday morning. Just after Mulder got
off the phone with her to arrange to pick her up, the phone
rang again.
"I'll get it," Alex said. "Hello?"
He listened for a while, then rolled his eyes. Putting his
hand over the receiver, he stage-whispered to Mulder, "Do
we want to change our long-distance plan?"
Mulder laughed, and walked into the kitchen.
"Why the hell are you calling me here?" Alex
whispered.
"Oh Alexei, really! I knew you'd be answering the
phone until I called. Nice catch, by the way. He was rather
closer to it than you, this time."
Alex closed his eyes. "Cameras?"
"No, of course not. I'm not a voyeur, after all. I'm just
protecting my investment. Besides, blackmail is such a
sordid business."
"I'm sorry if I insulted you," he said, dryly. "I haven't
had a chance to do anything yet."
"I know. I'm sorry if I seem a little impatient, but there
is a certain level of urgency involved. I'd like to meet with
you again on Wednesday. It gives you almost forty-eight
hours. Is that amenable?"
"And if it isn't?"
She laughed. "All right. There is no question." She
gave him an address. "Meet me at ten. And don't
disappoint me, please. I hate to be disappointed."
The next two days were a bit of a blur. They spent a lot of
time in the evenings with Beth, trying to distract her. During
the days, Alex was at the computer as soon as Mulder left
for work, scrambling through old contacts and following
long-unused leads to find the information he needed.
Tuesday night, Beth slept over, so they could drive to
the doctor's office again together. Mulder was a little
restless in bed that night, excited at the prospect of the next
therapy session, but Alex slept the sleep of the dead,
perfectly calm and still. It was all too easy to fall into the old
patterns—a half-sleep state that could lead to instantaneous
wakefulness the instant any danger was sensed. He awoke
his lover a half-hour early the next morning to make love,
slowly, quietly. It was a reassurance, rather than a
possession.
Beth grinned at them as soon as they appeared in the
kitchen. "I have got to get a life," she teased.
Mulder laughed at her. "I highly recommend it."
She snorted, "Well, it certainly hasn't done anything for
you."
He made a grab for her, and tickled her until they were
both laughing.
Alex smiled at their teasing. They were actually doing
it, learning how to act around each other, becoming more
comfortable. It could happen for them—they might be able
to recapture something of what they missed.
They all skipped breakfast, a little too nervous,
although the pot of coffee disappeared quickly.
"I guess this is it, then," Beth said.
Mulder nodded. "We should go," he said to Alex.
Beth went to get her coat and bag, and leave them for
their goodbye kiss.
"I love you."
"I know."
As soon as he saw Mulder's car round the corner, Alex
slipped out the door.
"Punctual as always."
He looked at her. She might be mistaken for a college
student, or a young mother, from anywhere. Her features
were perfectly bland, completely forgettable. Only her eyes
stayed in his mind.
"I'd hate to keep you waiting. I can't stay very long. I'm
sure Mulder will be expecting me to be home again this
morning."
"Oh, we have arranged for a little distraction for your
boyfriend, Alexei. I'm sure he's much too wrapped up in
business with his little sister to pay any attention to what
you're doing these days. And you can distract him when
you're together, no?"
The colour drained from his face. "Samantha?"
"Oh, don't worry, she's quite legitimate. It's just that we
felt it was expedient to the cause that she reappear just
now." Her teeth gleamed at him in the half-light. "It wasn't
all that difficult to find her, given a few pertinent facts." She
shifted her eyes away from him for a second, and when she
raised them again, she saw the cool metal of his gun
pointed at her.
"What happened to her? Did you take her?"
"Oh Alexei really! Such dramatics. You know I
couldn't tell you, even if I did know." She shrugged. "It
wasn't all on our side. There was co-operation. Certainly
the father had a large part to do with it. Still, everything is
very vague these days. Records have such a way of
disappearing." Her smiled faded. "Something like people."
He lowered the gun. She smiled again. "I enjoy it
when we can be friends, Alexei. You give me what I want,
and I leave you alone."
"For how long?"
"As long as I want. As long as they let me. There is no
forever, you know."
He shook his head. "No, there is forever. You just
have to be dead to enjoy it."
"And is your boyfriend teaching you such philosophy?
It seems quite unlike you."
"Oh, it has nothing to do with him, believe me." He
passed her an envelope, like the one she had given him. "I
think this is what you wanted."
She opened it and scanned the single page that it held.
Nodding her head, she smiled at him again. "You have
done very well. Thank you." She kissed him on the cheek.
"This is all very Watergate, isn't it?" she said, looking around
at the dark garage. "It's too bad we couldn't meet on a
beach somewhere. Still—" She didn't continue her thought.
As she was about to turn away, she stopped. "I have been
told that this is the last time, but—you know how much
words mean." She shrugged. "I will try to convince them to
leave you alone."
"Thank you, Juda."
"Of course. Goodbye, and—love him, okay?"
He nodded. It was the only certainty he had left to hold
on to.
Alexi
by Mona Ramsey
There was absolutely no good reason why he was doing it.
A sane man would have ignored the call completely; but,
then again, a sane man would probably never have gotten it
in the first place.
