She wasn't quite sure when she would crash, but she
knew that she had to hold on till June 1st. If she could just
make it through Dana's wedding, then she could get some
sleep. Maybe find a sympathetic doctor, get some sleeping
pills. Just for a couple of nights of uninterrupted sleep.
The dreams were overtaking her. She couldn't stay
anywhere overnight—she begged off invitations from Dana
and her brother. Now that she had her rental car, it was
easier just to drive herself back to the hotel, and wait.
Wait for the nightmares that invariably jerked her out of
her rest, drenched with sweat, crying out for—for what? For
her childhood? For her family? For her brother?
For it was always her brother's name that she was
calling when she awoke.
"Fox!"
"Do you realize that this is the first time we've had lunch
together in months?"
"I realize that we never really had lunch together before
then, except as part of work," Dana said dryly. She
surveyed her soon to be ex-partner. "What's wrong?"
"I'm concerned about Beth. I wondered if you'd noticed
anything strange going on with her."
"She's been caught up. We all have. Every time I see
her, she seems all right, but there's something a little—"
"Off," Mulder finished for her. "I know. I've had the
same feeling. I can't put my finger on it, but it's there."
"Did you talk to her about seeing someone?"
He nodded. "She said she'd think about it, but we
haven't talked about it since. I think she's afraid."
"Well, everything certainly couldn't be happening at a
worse time, with the wedding and all. She's been great—my
mother loves her." Mulder smiled. "But it's all so involving
that none of us has been able to do anything for her."
"Scully, don't feel bad about getting married. This
should be your time, you should be happy."
"Both of us should be. We're both having a life—
something that I never thought I'd see either of us doing."
She laughed. "The next thing you know I'll be an old married
lady."
"Not long now, is it? Nervous? Cold feet?"
"No, and you can just stop what you're thinking. I know
what I'm doing, and I can't wait."
"I wasn't trying to talk you out of it, I'm just trying to
make sure you're sure."
She got a silly smile on her face. "What?" he asked.
Dana blushed.
"When we were working together, did you ever think
that we—" she stopped, grinning.
He was smiling, too. "Uh-huh."
"In another life, I guess."
He nodded. "I guess so. In a perfect world we can
have all the things we want. In this one, we muddle through
with the things that we get."
"How romantic."
"But it's good. I love Alex, and if I don't screw it up, it
can only get better."
"Well, don't screw it up, then. You're a revelation,
Mulder. Love has really changed you."
"For the better, I hope."
"Well, you couldn't possibly have gotten any worse." At
his startled look, she grinned. "Gotcha."
He grimaced at her. "Six months ago it would have
been true."
"Six months ago it was true. But that was the past, no
changing it. And now—"
"Now all I have to do is get my sister back."
"Mulder—"
"She's in there, Scully, and she's trying to come out.
That's what I think is happening. We just have to figure out
how to help her."
They had tried again, with Sarah Mulder. A lunch, this time,
in a nice restaurant, in neutral territory. It was quiet, and
polite, and awkward for all of them. Beth had been
unnaturally silent, mostly, and Sarah had for the most part
chosen to ignore her. Mulder had tried unsuccessfully to
bridge the gap.
When he finally saw his mother out to her waiting cab,
he stopped her. "This isn't just going to go away, mom.
You can't just pretend it's not her."
"It isn't her!" Sarah had said, angrily. "My daughter was
ten years old, a child. This girl, whoever she is, is not my
Samantha. We are never going to get her back, Fox. I wish
she'd just stayed where she was."
"Mom—"
"Do what you want, Fox. But I don't want to see her
again."
He went back to the restaurant. Beth wasn't angry, just
resigned. "You can't force this on her, you know. If she
accepts me, or if she doesn't, it's her choice." She kissed
him on the cheek. "I gotta go."
"Are you okay?"
She nodded. "Fine. I'll call you later."
He watched her go, a troubled look on his face.
"I know that she's not telling me everything. I don't know
how to get her to open up, though."
"Maybe you'll just have to get her to see someone else.
It was a good idea, to set something up with a therapist.
Make her an appointment." Alex brushed his fingers through
his lover's hair. "Give it to her and see if she goes. Maybe
it'll be easier for her if she's talking to a stranger."
"But I am a stranger! That's the problem."
"You're a stranger, and you're not. She's your sister,
and she's someone you just met. It's an impossible
situation." He kissed him. "I know I've said this before, but
time really is the only thing that's going to make this any
better."
Mulder sighed. "Why do you love me again?"
Alex smiled. "There are too many reasons to list.
Because you care, because you love, because you feel
things so deeply. Because of your eyes" he kissed Mulder's
eyelids "because of your smile" kiss "because of your hands"
two kisses, one on each. "Mostly because you love me
back. That always makes it easier."
"I do love you back."
"I know," Alex said, softly.
Mulder shifted against the couch, taking Alex with him.
"How about, when we get things more settled, I take some
time off, and you take some time off, and we go away
somewhere and be naked for a couple of weeks."
"Somewhere warm, I take it."
"If you insist. Or somewhere we'd have to find ways to
warm each other up."
"Ooh, I think I like that idea. When?"
He thought for a minute. "After my life is normal
again?"
"Mulder," Alex rolled over and pinned his lover against
the couch. "I'll be ten years dead before your life is normal."
"Well, your ashes and I will have a wonderful vacation."
I can do this. It's just a dream. I'll wake up, I'll be fine.
Beth opened her eyes, looking at the clock. 2:48am.
Wonderful. I managed to get three whole hours tonight.
She sighed and got up to begin her nightly ritual. Wash
her face, change her soaked nightgown, and slump onto the
couch in front of the television until sleep overcame her
again.
"How do people do this?" she wondered aloud.
Flipping channels, she found her favorite infomercial—well,
the one she hated the least—and put down the remote. I
wonder if I could make money cutting people's hair in my
own home with that thing.
She fell asleep again at 5, only to be awakened by the
phone at 7.
"Good morning. This is your wakeup call. It is now 7
am."
Nothing like being awakened by a cheerful, mechanical
voice.
Yeah, great morning. She pulled herself off the
couch, and headed for the bathroom. Two days. Two days
till the wedding, then I can get some rest, get some help,
jump off a bridge...
"Okay, okay. Just kidding about the bridge thing," she
re-assured herself. "It's just a nightmare. It's not real. It's
not going to get me."
Her room service arrived ten minutes later. Always the
same thing—eggs, toast, and a tossed salad. The maid had
long ago stopped noticing the quirks of the hotel guests.
Better way to remain sane.
She grabbed a piece of toast, and dug around for the
cucumber slices from the salad. She lay back down,
chewing the toast, listening to the news on the tv, and
feeling her under-eye swelling go back down.
At 8 she was dressed and ready for the day. Nobody
the wiser, she thought, looking at herself critically in the
mirror. Just enough concealer, not too much makeup. "I'm
fine," she said aloud. "Not a problem."
She grabbed her purse, coat, and car keys, and
headed out the door. The front desk clerk stopped her with
a message from her brother.
"Damn, I nearly forgot." She used the phone in the
lobby. "Yes, my name's Beth Locke, and I'm scheduled for
a one o'clock appointment with Doctor Hanson. I'd like to
cancel."
This morning was the meeting at the dress shop—the final
fitting, or what had better be the final fitting. The first, and
what was supposed to be the last, alteration on her dress
had resulted in a bust size that was about 6 inches too big.
She had tried on the dress and burst out laughing. She
came out and Dana groaned.
"Who did you make this for," Beth giggled. "Dolly
Parton?"
When the bust had been fixed, the hem was the wrong
length. Beth was beginning to think that there was
something cursing the dress.
"Ready to try on the dress from Hell again?" Dana
asked her.
"I'm afraid."
"Me, too. If it doesn't fit this time, you have my
permission to wear jeans and a t-shirt."
"Goody. I hope it doesn't."
But it did. She tried it on, carefully turned in front of the
mirror, and gave Dana a skeptical look.
"What's wrong with it this time?"
The seamstress was holding her breath.
Dana looked at it critically. "Turn again."
She turned.
Dana shook her head. "I can't find anything. It looks
fine."
"I know. I'm going to have to spill something on it."
The seamstress looked shocked.
"You are not!" Dana said. "You are putting that in a
plastic garment bag, and I'm taking it to my place for
safekeeping. And then we are getting the hell out of this
shop."
"Yes, ma'am." Beth saluted her, then went back into
the dressing room to change.
"Thank god."
"Is this the last detail, then?" Beth called out from
behind the curtain.
"That I have to do, yes. Walter's confirming our travel
plans this afternoon, and I think that's it."
"Less than forty-eight hours now, you know. Are you
getting nervous?"
"No, but if everybody doesn't stop asking me, I will be."
She sighed. "I should have just eloped."
"Oh, I don't know. I think you're doing the right thing.
Not too big, not too small, and you'll get some nice presents
out of it."
"Tell me about it. They're arriving at my place from all
of my relatives. Even the ones that aren't coming sent
things, just to make me feel guilty."
"I bet your mother is in heaven."
"Seventh. I believe she had just about given up on
me."
"Well, at least she's speaking to you."
Dana looked at her sympathetically. "You just have to
give her some time."
"I know. That's what I've been telling Fox. He just
looks so—disappointed all the time. Like he wanted
everything to be wonderful instantly. I want it to be that way
more for him than for me, now."
"Are you okay?"
"I'm about as tired of being asked that as you are about
your nerves." She smiled at her friend in the mirror. "Look
at us. This should be the best time in our lives—you're
getting married, I've found my family. We look like someone
died." She pulled on her coat. "Do you have to go back to
work?"
"No. Yesterday was my last day."
"Whoa. Was it hard?"
"Yes and no." She shrugged. "I'll miss it, and I won't."
"Come on." Beth grabbed her arm. "Let's start the
bachelorette party early, and go get drunk somewhere."
"Not like the last time," Dana warned. "I want to be
bright-eyed and bushy tailed on Sunday."
"Don't worry. I'll go easy on you."
"She cancelled?" Fox Mulder listened to the receptionist on
the phone. Shaking his head, he thanked her and hung up
the phone.
"No go, huh?" Alex asked.
Mulder shook his head. "No. She didn't reschedule,
just called this morning and cancelled."
"Maybe she found someone else to go to."
"Maybe she just doesn't want to go at all. Maybe she
doesn't want to find out what happened to her."
"Hey," Alex put his arm around his lover. "No jumping
to conclusions. Maybe something just came up and she
couldn't make it. The wedding is in two days. After that,
things will be a little more settled, and we can try again."
Mulder sagged against him. "I know you're right, but I
just want her to be all right, and I don't seem to be able to do
anything."
"You're doing all the right things. You're offering to
help. It has to be up to her to take that help."
He nodded. "I guess I just have to keep trying."
"It's all you can do. She'll come around." He hugged
him. "Don't worry so much. We'll get through the weekend,
and you'll talk to her on Monday."
They made an attempt at a liquid lunch, but made the
mistake of going to a restaurant that had good food rather
than one with a cute bartender. They ate and ate until Dana
pushed her plate away with a groan. "If I don't fit into my
dress, it's all your fault."
"You picked the restaurant. Besides, if we don't fit into
them, we always go with the matching jeans outfits."
Dana laughed. "Yeah, and my mother has a fit. She's
been so reasonable about the ceremony and the date, I've
got to give in about something. Dresses don't seem like
such a big deal."
"No, they don't," Beth agreed. "She's great." She
paused for a moment, then said quietly, "She told me a little
about Melissa the last time I saw her."
"Wow, you really must have made an impression. She
hardly ever talks about her." She smiled, wistfully. "I wish
she could have been here to see this."
"I think I'd have liked her."
Dana nodded. "I think she would have liked you." She
gave a laugh. "She hated Mulder."
"Why, exactly?"
"I always had a suspicion that deep down they both
realized how much alike they were. They were very different
people, but they had a shared passion for the unknown that
they followed in such different directions that it pushed them
apart." She shrugged. "But that's just my Psych 101
impression."
Beth got a clouded look for a moment. Dana picked up
on it. "So, have you been to your appointment yet?" she
asked, casually.
"He told you, huh?"
"Yeah. I think it's a pretty good idea."
"Yeah, great." She sighed, then looked at her watch.
"I'm supposed to be leaving the building right now."
"You cancelled?"
She nodded. "Yup," she said, then tried to explain. "I
just can't do this right now. Next week, it'll be better. I just
can't open up whatever he wants me to open up right now. I
can't start something that might ruin this weekend."
"Finding out about what happened wouldn't ruin
anything, Beth."
"I know. I'm afraid that I'll just hear what I've heard so
many times before, and it'll hurt Fox, Dana—you know it will.
He wants to know so badly. I'm afraid of what he'll do when
he hears that he won't ever know."
"He'll deal with it. You have to know how much better it
is for him now that he's not alone. He's got something
besides work to hold on to, and it's wonderful for him."
"I like Alex—he's a good man."
"Yeah. Two years ago, I wouldn't have thought so, but
now, I agree."
Beth looked curious, so Dana explained a little. "Two
years ago, I thought that Alex was one of our greatest
enemies—maybe the one man who could explain everything
that we were searching for. Until we found out that he was
just another pawn, I thought he was evil incarnate."
"I can't imagine."
"No, I don't suppose anyone who knows Alex now
could." She smiled. "But as for Mulder being alone, Alex
isn't the only one he has now. He has you. He wants to
help you—he's worried that you're taking this all on yourself."
"Why doesn't he tell me this, then? Why just palm me
off on someone else?"
"I had no idea you felt that way. You should ask him."
Beth sighed. "I didn't really mean that. I'm just—tired, I
guess."
"Maybe you should go home and get some rest."
Beth nodded. "Yeah. I should."
Three hours later, a knock on the door roused her from a
much-needed nap.
"Why did you cancel?"
He wasn't even through the door yet. She moved,
letting him pass. "Fox, I couldn't make it. I had the final
fitting today."
"This morning. Why didn't you reschedule? If it's the
doctor, we can find another one—"
"It's not the doctor. God, I don't even know the
doctor." She closed her eyes, calming herself down. "I just
couldn't, okay?"
"Not okay. You're having nightmares, you're avoiding
me—" She started to protest, but he held up a hand,
stopping her. "You are, Sa—" He realized what he was
going to say, and cut himself off.
"Yeah, Sam." She collapsed on the couch. "Dr. Freud,
meet problem."
He sat down beside her. "I'm sorry. I can't seem to
stop myself from saying that, no matter how hard I try. I
don't do it to upset you."
"I know. And I don't not remember to upset you."
"Is that how you think I feel? Beth, I'm worried about
you. It's obvious that you're unhappy. I want you to be
okay. You've moved so far from the woman that I met—god,
was it only two months ago?"
"I know," she said. "I know I have to do something. I
just—don't want to do it alone."
"Is that what this is? Beth, I'll do it with you. I'll be
there. I want to be there." He took her hand. "I'll do
whatever it takes to help you."
She nodded. "Okay. So we do this together. I guess
you can make me another appointment."
"Is Monday okay?"
"You did it already, didn't you?"
He nodded. She couldn't keep herself from smiling.
The wedding was barely-controlled chaos. The flowers were
late, the justice of the peace was early, the groom and the
best man were valiantly fighting hangovers from a
much-too-successful bachelor party. Who knew that
Skinner was a basketball fan?
Dana was being amazingly zen about the whole thing,
calmly doing her hair and makeup while Margaret Scully and
Beth ran around trying to remedy what seemed to be a
disaster in the making. With coffee made and passed
around, the flowers finally tracked down, and the jp chatting
merrily with the groom, Beth collapsed on the bed.
"Why are you taking this all so well?" she asked.
Dana smiled at her. "Because, even if the house
collapses around us, I'll marry him at a drive-through in
Vegas."
Beth grinned. "Wow. The perfectly-adjusted bride.
Who would have thought it could happen?"
"I don't know about perfectly adjusted, but I'll take the
compliment. It doesn't matter how it happens, as long as
the 'I do' is heard at the end."
"Exactly." Margaret Scully hugged her daughter. "I'm
so glad for you."
"Are you really, mom? You're not disappointed?"
"Not in anything, honey. This is what you want. How
could I be disappointed."
Unnoticed, Beth stepped into the bathroom to give
them a moment alone. She stared at herself in the mirror.
It can happen for you, too, you know she told herself. It
can happen. She closed her eyes. Oh, Jack, why did you
die right when I need you? There was a tap at the door.
"Right out," she called, wiping her eyes. She patted a
washcloth over them and fixed her mascara. "So, are we
ready to get married?" she asked brightly.
Dana was right. In the end, the 'I do's came off perfectly.
Mr. and Mrs. Walter Skinner—Dana smiled at that one, as
did her husband, who knew she was keeping her name—
were introduced to the gathered party to great applause.
Walter's place was a little small for dancing, but they
did it anyway. Until the guest list had increased
exponentially, Dana had wanted to have it at her apartment.
Because Walter's was bigger, the ceremony ended up there.
The bride and groom insisted on everyone joining in on
their first dance, so Fox held out a hand to his sister.
"Well, it worked out," he grinned.
"You had your doubts?"
"Me? Never." He turned her. "You look good."
She bowed her head. "Thank you. And you are lovely,
as always," she teased. As he started to dip her, she
warned, "You drop me, and you die."
"I wouldn't dream of it. I took lessons, you know."
"Really? When?"
"In sixth grade. They made us do it in school. Thought
it would make nice, well-mannered ladies and gentlemen out
of us."
"And did it?"
"You tell me."
She thought. "I think it worked perfectly well."
It was his turn to bow. "How are you feeling?" he
ventured.
"Good." Her smile was genuine. "I actually slept last
night. My nightmares have probably just been stress."
"If that's an attempt to get out of your appointment
tomorrow—"
"No, it's not. I promised. I keep my promises."
"I'm glad to hear it." As the dance finished, he said, "I'll
pick you up at eight."
She smiled. "I'll be ready."
Mulder finally had a chance to dance with his ex-partner
about an hour later. The crowd was very lively—an
interesting mix of FBI and Scully family clan. Surprisingly,
they all got along.
"Do you feel married?"
"I don't know. I think the dress helps," she smiled.
"Ask me tomorrow."
"Fine. Give me the number of your hotel."
"Mulder, don't even think of it."
He grinned. "Taking your cell?"
"No, so quit thinking of trying to find me."
"It wouldn't be that difficult. I know where you're going."
"I don't even know where I'm going! How did you find
out?"
"Well, let's just say your husband got a little
loose-lipped at the bachelor party."
She narrowed her eyes. "How loose-lipped, exactly?"
"Oh, don't worry. I had pretty much figured out what
sort of underwear you like already."
"Mulder!"
He burst out laughing. "Has anyone ever told you you
are an easy mark?"
She briefly considered hitting him, then decided that
the bride beating up the best man probably wouldn't make
the best wedding photo in the album. "So, where am I
going?"
"I wouldn't dream of telling you. Let it be a surprise,
Scully. You'll love it."
She smiled. "I know." As the music was ending, she
asked, "Why don't you ask Alex to dance?"
"How would that look?"
"It's a private party, and everybody knows you.
Besides, do you really care?"
He thought it over for all of two seconds. "You're right.
I don't." He led her to her husband. "I believe your husband
would like the honor." He kissed her cheek, and whispered
in her ear, "Be happy always."
They swayed in each other's arms.
"This is very strange," Alex said.
"Oh, I don't know. Feels right to me."
"And if I kissed you?"
"It would just get better." He paused. "I'm waiting."
"I think the level of Catholicism in the room is
preventing me from doing it."
"Then I will." Mulder leaned to kiss his lover. "I love
you."
"I know," Alex smiled. "Keep telling me, okay?"
"Always."
Dana and Walter were well on their way to the secret
honeymoon destination before the party even broke up.
Alex and Mulder made it home by three.
Mulder was in the bathroom when the phone rang. "I'll
get it," Alex called out. "Hello?"
"Alexei?"
Beth
by Mona Ramsey
She was getting better at hiding it. That she was sure of.
The boxes of chamomile tea, the cucumbers, the face in the
ice baths in the morning—all of these were helping her hide
the puffiness, and lack of sleep. The fatigue hadn't caught
up with her yet.
