Dear Vicky,
I've had an amazing piece of luck. I don't know if you know
anything about the English lottery system, but the most wonderful thing
happened on Saturday. As usual, I bought a lottery ticket at my local
corner shop, and to my amazement, this time I won a bit more than the
usual ten pounds prize. In fact, I now have so much money that I don't
have to work any more! Ever! I can spend the rest of my life learning to
be a lady of leisure, drinking fine vintage wine and dressing for
dinner. Even if it's cooked by Mulder!
Actually, since I bought that Skinner clone, things have been
really peaceful around here. The boys don't dare step out of line, he
rules the domestic establishment with a rod of iron. The house is always
spotless when I get home and dinner is served promptly at seven. Of
course, he supervises the cooking personally. And on a personal level,
he's so elegant, with such refinement. What a cultivated man he is. In
music, literature and art, he seems so accomplished. It's such a
pleasure to have a real conversation with a man of taste. The only
things Mulder would ever talk about were aliens and conspiracies. And of
course Alex did teach me a few Russian swear words.
Rich at last. My life is going to be so relaxing.
Mary
Brochure for Caribbean Cruise ship Sea Queen
Our more refined customer will find the cruise we are offering this
summer to be both elegant and pleasurable in the extreme. Our newly
refitted liner boasts super king size bedrooms and in cabin jacuzzis.
All cabins have state of the art entertainment systems and sea views.
Also for your enjoyment on this voyage are a wide range of sporting
activities such as clay pigeon shooting and tennis, and there are
numerous exclusive designer shops for those expensive little
necessities.....
Letter to Victoria Brown—June 21st
Dear Vicky,
I'm giving myself a treat in July. I've booked myself on a very
expensive cruise, on that big new liner, the Sea Queen. It's the maiden
voyage of the ship, and I hear it's far more exclusive than the Oriana.
I've decided to take my Skinner clone along, after all, I shall need a
partner on the dance floor, on those long romantic evenings. Alex can
come too, the thought of him lounging around the pool in tiny briefs is
far too irresistible. Since I will need a house sitter, and Mulder is by
far the best choice to look after the garden, I shall leave him at home
this trip. He can console himself with the fact that he and Alex can
accompany me skiing in Aspen next winter. And Skinner will have to take
me round Venice in the fall.
Yours in anticipation
Mary.
Postcard to Mother July 1st
Dear Mom,
Settled in fine. The cabin is enormous. Alex was a little upset
that Walter made him take care of the luggage, then iron all of our
clothes last night, but a spell of relaxing with a huge Marguerita next
to the pool this morning soon made him less tense. I was right about him
being beautiful, all of those rich old biddies with poodles and blue
rinses in their hair couldn't take their eyes off him. I think he got a
kick out of it. Walter wouldn't join us. He said that there was a
classical concert he wanted to attend.
Love Mary
Weather forecast—Caribbean area July 2nd
Weather becoming unsettled. Sea conditions mildly choppy. Some showers
possible,
Postcard to Vicky Brown—July 3rd
Dear Vicky,
Oh dear. Something you didn't warn me about. The slightest bit
of turbulence and Walter is sick to his stomach. The poor man looks
positively green. Of course, Alex got his revenge for the ironing
incident, and ordered a huge fried breakfast in the cabin. Walter nearly
lost the contents of his stomach the moment it was brought through the
door. But he was so brave. He brazened it out. Then Alex declared his
intention to try squid for lunch, and it was too much for the poor man
to take.
Still fairly happy,
Mary.
Bill for one stained carpet
$500
B. Mill (Ship's Purser)
Ship's telegram—July 3rd
ALEX. STOP. LOVE YOU LOTS. STOP. HOPE YOU'RE ENJOYING THE HOLIDAY. STOP.
WHERE DO YOU KEEP THE SINK PLUNGER? STOP.
MULDER
Reply to ships telegram—July 3rd
THERE'S A BIG CRATE OF HOUSEHOLD STUFF IN THE CUPBOARD UNDER THE STAIRS.STOP.
LOVE YOU TOO. STOP. ER.... WHY? STOP.
ALEX
Ship's telegram—July 3rd
FOUND IT. STOP. NO REASON. STOP. HUGS. STOP.
FOX
Letter to Debbie Smith—July 4th
Hi sis,
We're spending Independence Day anchored off the island of
Mustique. Walter is feeling much better after his bout of seasickness,
and has given Alex a list of chores as long as his arm. He later found
it stuffed in one of his shoes. Oh dear. I thought Alex's days of
rebellion were over. Ever since Walter found a new and original use for the flat
side of a hairbrush, and taught him and Mulder a lesson in manners......
I last saw Alex disappearing in the direction of the swimming pool as if
a herd of elephants was chasing him. I do hope he reappears by tonight,
it's a party night and we've got an invitation to sit at the Captain's
table. He's Russian you know, so Alex will probably feel less homesick
if he can chat to someone in his native language.
Got to run, Walter is taking me ashore to do some shopping.
Mary.
Postcard to F. Mulder—July 4th
Babe,
I miss you so much. I wish you were here and the Boss was at
home, he's making my life hell, as usual. I'm so bored, I even got
talking to some of the old cows who lie in wait round here, looking for
their fourth or fifth husbands. The Poodle Brigade!! I had to be fast on
my feet to avoid the wandering hands. M. prefers to go round doing
cultural things with Walter and isn't paying much attention to me. Life
sucks.
Wish you were here to hold me. Love you.
Alex.
Letter to V. Brown—July 5th
Dear Vicky,
I'm having a fabulous time, in part due to my wonderful clones.
Walter is so good on the dance floor, his Tango has to be experienced to
be believed. Oh my. Erotic in the extreme. I think I was a bit dazzled
by the experience, because I didn't notice how jealous Alex was getting.
He started to plot his revenge from the moment Walter made him wear a
dinner jacket instead of his leather one. And the tension was heightened
when he met the Captain and found out he was an old acquaintance from
Russia. Alex muttered something about being on one of his cockroach
infested tin cans before, and flounced off. And when I finished dancing
the night away with Walter and returned to the cabin, Alex had locked
the door, and we had to spend the rest of the night on chairs in the
lounge. Walter had something to say about it afterwards. He asked
whether he could borrow my hair brush, but I put my foot down over that.
Poor Alex is just homesick.
Love Mary.
Weather forecast—Caribbean area July 5th
Weather front moving in rapidly. Storm expected within 24 hours.
Notice posted on public information board—July 5th
Anyone who knows the whereabouts of the three missing poodles belonging
to Mrs. Vandercramp, Lady Scott—Phelps and Mrs. Middleton-Fliss-Harper
the Third please contact the Purser's office.
Postcard to Ann Jones—July 5th
Hi Ann,
Hope you're enjoying the shopping trip in London. I'm loving
every minute of the cruise. With two such entertaining companions, I
have the best of both worlds. Walter was fabulous last night, we danced
till (nearly) dawn. Poor Walter wasn't destined to have a relaxing day
though. The weather is getting worse, so back came his seasickness. I
think that maybe Walter and boats don't mix well, so I shall have to
rethink that trip to Venice. I felt like I'd been neglecting Alex so I
took him to see Titanic the Movie in the ship's movie theatre instead.
The poor darling sniffled through the last hour. Then, with an
uncharacteristic romantic streak, stood with me on the bow of the ship
and watched the sea for an hour. You know! That famous scene when the
girl stretches her arms out while the hero wraps his arms around her.
Later we strolled round the deck. A couple of the old ladies were there,
strangely subdued. You know, something very strange happened to three of
Alex's closest acquaintances. Their dogs disappeared in the night. For
some reason, Alex seemed to find this very funny. He said that maybe
they'd gone swimming. How very odd.
Yours smugly,
Mary.
Ship's telegram—5P.M. July 5th
ALEX. STOP. NEED TO KNOW WHERE WATER VALVE LOCATED SO I CAN TURN OFF
SUPPLY. STOP.
SLIGHT ACCIDENT WITH PIPE. STOP. NOTHING SERIOUS. STOP.
SAY HI TO ALL. STOP.
FOX
Reply to ship's telegram 5.30P.M July 5th
NEXT TO BOILER IN BATHROOM. STOP. HOW SLIGHT IS SLIGHT? STOP.
ALEX
Ship's telegram—8P.M. July 5th
SMALL LEAK WHILE I WAS CLEARING BLOCKAGE FROM PIPE. STOP.
FIXED NOW. STOP.
GOT YOUR DIY BOOK. STOP. LOVE YOU. STOP.
YOUR FOX
Letter to S Canley—July 6th
Hi Sylvia,
I promised I'd let you know about the holiday. Hope things are
running smoothly at work. This is the best holiday I've ever had, even
if Walter has been admitted to the ship's infirmary with what turned out
to be the worst case of seasickness the doctor had ever seen. Alex is
uncharacteristically cheery. He's so sweet sometimes. This morning I
went into the bathroom for my toothbrush, and caught him in the shower.
He had his back to me and was soaping himself down in long, smooth
strokes that were quite beautiful to watch. I must have made a noise,
because he turned and gave me one of those knowing little grins of his.
The kind he gives when he's showing himself off to an admiring audience.
I don't know how it happened, but we just grabbed each other right then
and there, and spent the hottest hour I've ever had. Wow. Did I feel
good afterwards!!!
Yours smiling still,
Mary.
Note from Walter Skinner to Alex Krycek—Ship's internal mail July 7th
Alex,
You'd better be taking care of our laundry. And don't forget to
call in and bring me something interesting to read from the ship's
library. And if Mary wants to be taken ashore during the next stopover,
don't take her anywhere disreputable!!
You know what I'll do if you don't do as you're told!
Walter
Report of Ship's Purser—Incident on night of July 7th—8th
Captain. I regret to inform you that on the night of July 7th—8th, I
was called to the Super Curl Beauty Salon. At approximately six a.m.,
the owner of the business discovered that he had been broken in to.
Apparently, the only things that had been taken were a large bottle of
blue hair dye, and the shop's entire stock of hair brushes! No
fingerprints were found, and the lock of the door had apparently been
expertly picked!
This may be related to a second incident that occurred later in the same
night. An unknown assailant broke in to Mrs. Jeremiah Underwood's cabin
and violently assaulted her pet dog. The animal was covered from head to
foot in blue dye, though was otherwise unharmed. Mrs. Underwood, the
Captain may remember, is the lady who has very vocal opinions about most
subjects, and has been the subject of numerous complaints of harassment,
due to her inability to keep her hands off young men. It may be that she
chose the wrong butt this time! But the hairbrushes? The mind boggles!
Bill Wood—Ship's Purser
Postcard to Carol Mills—July 8th
Hi Carol,
We're having a relaxing time on the cruise. I'm enjoying the
sun, sea and the good things in life. And Alex has taken up painting
classes. At least, I assume that's why he had blue paint on his T-shirt.
We went ashore this afternoon and visited the capital of Jamaica. The
storm had blown over and the sky was unbelievably blue! We visited some
rather colourful places in Alex's search for the "real" Jamaican rum. I
do believe we were rather drunk by the end of the trip, but we had no
trouble after Alex played some local knife throwing game and impressed
people. It was such fun!
Walter was much better when we visited him this evening, but perhaps he
felt left out, because he kept glaring at Alex all of the time. Maybe I
should have brought a bottle of that rum back for him. I shall sleep
soundly tonight!
Love,
Mary.
Ship's telegram—6 P.M. July 8th
ALEX. STOP. YOU DIDN'T WARN ME THAT I HAD TO SWITCH THE BOILER OFF
WHEN
THE WATER SUPPLY WAS SHUT DOWN. STOP.
THERE WAS A MINOR EXPLOSION. STOP.
NOTHING SERIOUS. STOP.
DO YOU KNOW A GOOD BUILDER? STOP.
FOX
Reply to ship's telegram 10 P.M. July 8h
FOX. STOP. DO YOUR OWN DIRTY WORK. STOP.
YOU'LL CATCH IT WHEN SKINNER
GETS HOME. STOP.
HIDE THE HAIRBRUSH. STOP.
ALEX
Letter to V. Brown—July 9th
Dear Vicky,
Things aren't going so well at the moment on the cruise. I was
called into the Captain's office this morning to explain myself.
Apparently the steward who cleans up my cabin has found some rather
incriminating articles there. They think we're a bunch of criminals! And
it's all down to Alex! He's been blamed for all sorts of incidents
around the ship. Vandalism, drunkenness, theft and kidnapping poodles.
I'm so embarrassed. They don't want to make a big fuss because of the
bad publicity, but we'll have to leave the ship at the next opportunity.
And there will be a horrendous bill to pay.
Well, at least I can look forward to the peace and quiet at home.
Yours exhaustedly,
Mary
Bill for damages—S.S. Sea Queen July 9th
43 hair brushes $300
1 large bottle blue hair dye $50
Services of locksmith to change salon locks $200
Services of professional poodle grooming parlour $400
Professional counsellor for Mrs. Jeremiah Underwood $500
Professional cleaning and redecoration of Mrs. Jeremiah Underwood's
cabin (to remove blue dye) $2000
Poodle belonging to Mrs. Vandercramp—"Trixie" $1000
Poodle belonging to Lady Scott—Phelps—Grand Champion and Cruft's
winner Harper Snoffles $10,000
Poodle belonging to Mrs. Middleton-Fliss-Harper the Third—"Big boy"
$1500 plus loss of ten year's stud fees $10,000
Cost of drinks on tab to A. Krycek #7 $350
Cost of laundry service ordered by A. Krycek #7 $150
Cost of special meals ordered by A. Krycek #7 (squid) $50
Cost of one further hairbrush (extra large) ordered by W. Skinner #19
$3.50
Grand total $26,503.50
Letter to Mom—July 12th
Hi mom,
I've had an exhausting few days. After the humiliating scene in
the Captain's office, I had to start packing. Walter had already heard
by the time I got to the cabin, and from the sounds of smacking and the
yelps, I gathered that he was making his irritation known to Alex. We
left the liner at the next stop, and headed for the airport. Alex didn't
have a very comfortable flight, he couldn't seem to relax in his seat,
and he kept muttering under his breath. I told him it was his own fault,
and he would have to pay for the damages those poor people suffered out
of his own allowance.
Mulder was waiting at the airport, and I was very surprised that he and
Alex just glared at each other. Oh dear, I hope they haven't had another
fight. All I wanted to do is get home and soak in a long, hot bath.
Ring you later,
Mary
Letter to S Canley—July 12th
Hi Sylvia,
I suppose you've heard. Everyone else seems to have. The
explosion in the early hours was heard at the other end of the village.
The entire bathroom, kitchen and study were destroyed when the boiler
blew up. It's a miracle Fox wasn't killed. And all because he blocked up
the sink with bits of burnt pasta from the bottom of a pan, when he was
washing up! I told him to order take away meals! At least the flood
damage from that incident was obliterated in the explosion.
After all the trouble, I don't know why he gave Walter such a smug look.
Walter frowned suspiciously. Then he gave an evil smile, and produced
his new hairbrush from his luggage. Fox went pale. I left them to it. I
moved into the village inn and left them all there.
Yours tiredly,
Mary
Letter to Mom—September 3rd
Hi mom,
Not feeling very well at the moment. Keep feeling sick. Maybe
I've caught one of those tropical bugs. I'd better go to the doctor and
get it checked out. The workmen are nearly finished with the repairs.
I'll call you when you get back from the health farm.
Love and kisses,
Mary
Letter to Debbie Smith—September 4th
Hi Sis,
Oh dear. I've had a bit of unexpected news, which really came as
a shock to me. But not in an unpleasant way. I'm pregnant!!! You
remember I told you about that time in the shower with Alex? Well we
weren't very careful at the time, and one thing led to another.....
I told the boys the good news and you could have heard a pin
drop for about ten seconds. Then Mulder and Skinner both got goofy grins
on their faces and started arguing fiercely over whose baby it was. I
looked at Alex, and he looked at me. Then he remembered. He was in shock
for a few minutes. Then he gave me a sweet, tender smile, which
definitely became a bit wider and more wicked as he watched the others
squabbling. The next few months are going to be interesting!!!
Love
Mary
Cruiseclone
by Megaera
Note to Victoria Brown June 16th 2000
