Dear Ms. M. Smith,
As requested, we are sending you our latest model in Mulder
clones. Please expect delivery on 1st April 1999. The built in features
you requested have been added to our basic model. Your Mulderclone
should be more than capable of performing basic household tasks such as
car maintenance and gardening. However, we recommend that you limit
cooking demands to more basic tasks. With this model, alas, there is
only so much that medical science can do. Cordon bleu is therefore
totally at your own risk, and the company must therefore absolve itself
of responsibility for any damage caused in your kitchen. He is of course
fully functional in all respects.
Have fun!
V Brown (Managing Director)
Letter from M. Smith, Rivehope Village, England. April 20th
Dear Mrs. Brown,
Thank you so much for the wonderful clone you sent me.
He is worth the six months worth of my salary that he cost. The house
has never been so clean, the garden is starting to look respectable (a
real plus in my neighbourhood, they were always complaining to me about
the mess), and the car is running like clockwork. Wonderful. On a more
personal level, I'm practically purring these days. You were right about
the effect he has when he sticks out that lower lip and pouts.
Irresistible. And my, isn't he enthusiastic!!! I shall have to buy a
waterbed, the springs on my bed can't take much more!!! The neighbours
will be complaining about the noise before long. It's lovely to have a
man in your life who does whatever you want.
Thank you again.
M. Smith
Rivehope Village Council—Notes from monthly meeting. May 13th.
S.G.(Chairman) May I draw members attention to the newly improved area
in the vicinity of Ms. Smith's house. Her new "friend" seems to have
really worked hard in tidying up her garden. We may well have a chance
in this year's Britain in Bloom contest. We all know that she was
responsible for us losing the trophy last year with that disgraceful
mess she called a garden. Now it even has flowers and the lawn is mown
so precisely, it even has stripes. I think we should all go out of our
way to compliment her when we next see her.
T.K. I refuse, Mr. Chairman. Living next door to her has become
unbearable lately. Screaming and moaning at all hours of the day and
night. And really, that young man shouldn't do the gardening in such a
state of undress, just a small pair of shorts!
S.G.(Chairman) Please Mrs. K., let's just drop the issue until after the
garden competition is over. Besides, you really must be more tolerant
towards the younger generation.
T.K. Alright! But if he sunbathes in those speedos again, I'm going to
give them a piece of my mind!
Report of Rivehope Fire Brigade May 27th.
On the evening of May 26th, there was a 999 call made to the Fire
Brigade about an incident in 1, Rose Cottage, Rivehope. When we
attended, we found that the kitchen was ablaze, and the occupant, a
Miss. Smith was in tears outside the cottage, clutching her cat and in a
state of considerable distress. Her companion, a Mr. F. Mulder #12475
was heard to yell that it wasn't his fault if he had left the cooker for
a few minutes, then got distracted. He only thought he saw an alien
shapeshifter, but it was really Mr. Evans the butcher trying to fix his
son's bike. He managed to spot his mistake before he spiked him with the
screwdriver he found in a kitchen cupboard. Miss Smith then had to be
given a sedative by her doctor. The kitchen was badly scorched but no
damage was done to the rest of the house.
June 2nd.
Dear Mrs Brown,
You were right about the cooking. My clone made a real
mess of things in the kitchen last week, and I made him redecorate the
place all by himself. He's been brooding ever since, and keeps muttering
about a conspiracy of aliens taking over the village. I know you warned
me that paranoia was unavoidable in this model, but please give me some
suggestions on how to cope.
Yours, troubled,
M. Smith
June 4th.
Dear Miss. Smith,
May I suggest you pamper your clone a little. We
recommend taking him shopping in a big store and letting him buy some
very expensive suits. I know it goes against the grain to cover him up,
but we find that the urge to preen in this model usually overcomes its
other, less desirable traits.
Yours helpfully,
V. Brown
Police Report of Constable Thompson
Incident in Rivehope village—June 7th.
I had occasion to arrest a Mr. F. Mulder #12475 at approximately 2a.m.
this morning, when he was found loitering in the vicinity of Mr Evans
the butcher's house with no reasonable explanation as to his behaviour.
He later claimed that he was sure a UFO had landed on Mr. Evans' large
back lawn, and that was the explanation for the charred black circle in
its centre. I had in fact attended Mr. Evans' barbecue myself earlier
that evening. Mr. Mulder later apologised to Mr. Evans for any distress
he might have caused. He has been released with a caution.
Rivehope Village Council—Notes from monthly meeting. June 13th.
S.G. (Chairman) Note to Mr. Evans. Please don't wreck our chances in the
garden competition by burning things in your garden like that! By the
way, Miss K. have there been any more problems with your neighbours?
T.K. No. The noise problem seems to be a lot better at the moment. Of
course, that poor boy Fox is left at home all day on his own while that
thoughtless girl goes out to work. No wonder he has so much time to
brood. I've been feeding him some of my Yorkshire puddings and beef
stew, he's so underfed in that house. I don't think she can cook, you
know. He did want to know if the cows round here were mad at all, did my
meat come from Mr. Evans?, and he seemed to have a rather odd interest
in the contents of my rubbish bin. And another thing. I don't think he
looks comfortable in those suits at all, now that Summer's here.....
S.G. (hastily) Thank you Miss K.
June 21st.
Dear Miss Smith,
We are sending you the latest copy of our brochure. You
may note the new line we are offering on page 41. As a valued client, we
are offering you the chance to purchase a sample before the rush. We are
in fact, in the process of beta testing the new model now, and we can
offer you a substantial discount if you are prepared to trial this model
for us and fill in a brief questionnaire later. We are sure that we have
the model in question virtually perfect now, but if you decide to take
up this tempting offer, we must ask you to sign a waiver, absolving the
company of all responsibility for any problems you may face.
Yours temptingly,
V. Brown.
June 24th.
Dr Miss Brown,
How could you do this to me! Do you know what my credit card
bill has been like lately! The Armani suit was a shock, but then I had
to pay my clone's court costs for rooting through peoples garbage at
night and being arrested as a prowler. It cost me a lot of money in
fines! And now you want me to spend more on a Krycek clone! Mind you, he
does look good. Do you do a black leather, two armed version? Because if
you do, I'd be very tempted! To tell you the truth, I could do with a
change.
Yours sincerely,
Mary Sue Smith
June 30th.
Dear Miss Smith,
Yes, we have that model! Are you sure you've got the energy?
Yours admiringly,
Vicky Brown
July 9th.
Dear Vicky,
Wow! You weren't kidding. Non stop, night and day! And he really
looks good between silk sheets too. And you might like to tell your
clients what a good cook he is, when I can be persuaded to let him up
for air.
But oh dear, he doesn't get on well with my Mulder clone. They
took one look at each other and I knew I was in for trouble. It was like
two cats fighting over the same territory. I must admit I kind of got a
thrill out of it at first, but I stopped things when Krycek had Mulder
on the floor, trying to beat the living daylights out of him. I don't
want either of them damaged, so I sent Mulder to the spare room. Oh dear
he did pout so! Still, at least they'll be company for each other when
I'm out at work.
Yours tiredly,
Mary
Police Report of Constable Thompson
Incident in Rivehope village—July 12th.
I was called to the butcher's shop of Mr. B. Evans at approximately
10.30a.m. on the morning of July 12th 1999 to investigate a disturbance
on the premises. On arriving, I found Mr. F. Mulder #12475 sitting on
top of a semi conscious individual who I later ascertained to be one Mr.
A. Krycek #7. Mr. Mulder was engaged in beating Mr. Krycek within an
inch of his life. I forcibly restrained Mr. Mulder, and first aid was
promptly given to Mr. Krycek who sustained severe bruising to the face
and upper torso, and two cracked ribs.
On investigating the cause of the incident, it became clear that Mr.
Mulder was the instigator of the incident. Witnesses said that Mr.
Mulder appeared to be sneaking about in the undergrowth at the side of
the road, spying on Mr. Krycek. I should add that this is a fairly
common complaint about Mr. Mulder that residents have.
When the unfortunate victim went into Mr. Evans' shop, Mr. Mulder
became extremely agitated, ran over to the victim and proceeded to beat
him severely. He shouted out several times in the presence of witnesses
that he knew that rat was involved in a conspiracy and this proved it,
consorting with aliens again. When apprehended, Mr. Mulder's only
comment was "Mind the suit!"
Mr. Krycek stated that he had been asked by his good "friend"
Miss M. S. Smith to buy her groceries for her, and had gone into the
butcher's shop to obtain some steak for their evening meal.
Surprisingly, he refused to press charges, maintaining that it was just
normal behaviour for Mulder and he was used to it.
July 20th.
Dear Vicky,
Oh dear, what have I got myself into. I need advice desperately.
The tension round here is so thick you could cut it with a knife. Mulder
isn't talking to Krycek. Krycek talks to Mulder only when he wants to
drive him out of his mind with jealousy. The two of them aren't getting
on at all well. I end up trying to be the peacemaker and I have to spend
one night with Alex and the next with Fox to keep the peace. At least
they still can manage that. Fox however refuses to allow Alex into the
garden or garage, and Alex has placed the kitchen off limits to Fox for
eternity. I dread coming back in the evenings, I never know whether the
house will be tidy or not. At least when I had just Fox, he could clean
the floor without a fight.
Yours irritatedly,
Mary.
P.S. The paranoia is no better, Fox keeps bothering the local farmers,
asking if their cows have gone mad lately, and if any of their animals
have been abducted by UFO's or been eviscerated in government
experiments.
Rivehope Village Council—Notes from monthly meeting. August 13th.
S.G. (Chairman) We can expect the Garden competition judges any day now
so keep things tidy. If you see Mr. Mulder around, put a padlock your
rubbish in your garages, we don't want him spreading it around on the
driveways again.
L.C. Mr. Chairman, I want to point out that a leather clad man has been
hanging round the village a lot. He appears to be a friend of Miss
Smith. I really despair of that woman's taste in friends. The next thing
you know, the village will be knee deep in bikers. Please tell him to
keep out of the way until the judging is over.
August 15th.
Dear Vicky,
How do I put this? Well, here goes. You know Fox and Alex have
had their problems. Well they seem to have been resolved. From what I
can gather, Alex got a bit sick of the constant gibes and decided to do
something about it. He told Mulder he would fix those alien problems,
just so Fox would know he could be trusted. Whatever he did must have
worked, because when I came home, they were so friendly that they were
both waiting to meet me, as happy as can be. The two of them had even
resolved their differences enough that they were waiting in bed for me—together. I really can't say how happy I am with them now!
Yours (very) satisfied,
Mary
Police Report of Constable Thompson
Incident in Rivehope village August 15th.
I was called to the premises of Mr. B. Evans the butcher on the morning
of August 15th. by the milkman, who had discovered signs that Mr. Evans'
shop had been broken into by an intruder. However, nothing appeared to
have been taken. An act of vandalism had been performed, however. In the
middle of the floor, a large pool of smelly green slime had been
deposited. In the middle of the said disgusting mess was what appeared
to be Mr. F. Mulder's screwdriver, which he had been observed carrying
on several occasions. I therefore strongly suspect Mr. Mulder of
carrying out this wanton act of destruction. However, since the
incident, Mr. Evans has apparently disappeared, and no trace of him can
be found.
Rivehope Village Council—Notes from emergency general meeting—August
16th.
S.G. (Chairman) I'm sorry. There's just nothing we can do. It's all
over. We haven't a hope of salvaging the situation. We have no choice
but to withdraw from the Garden competition. I'm afraid that all the
dead cattle in the fields surrounding the village, and the Ministry of
Agriculture decontamination squads will see to that. I'm sure we'll be
able to try again next year.
sighs from members
Dear Vicky,
How could you do that to me! Selling me two clones that were
obviously not suited to live in the same household. No they haven't
started fighting again, it's worse! They spend the entire day holding
hands with each other, and when I came back from work today, I found
that the springs on my bed had finally given up the ghost. Now I know
they were alright this morning, so what I want to know is how did they
break. The boys just looked embarrassed when I asked them, and said they
would fix things. Well that's about all they'll fix this week, none of
the housework is done. And the silly old woman next door is complaining
about the screaming again. It's just not me doing it!
I know I wanted Alex as a companion for Fox when he got lonely,
but that's not what I meant. And they don't have any energy left for me!
I recommend you don't sell the two of them to the same household, there
are just too many problems created!
Yours frustratedly,
Mary.
Dear Mary,
We are sending you the latest copy of our brochure. You may note
the new line we are offering on page 17, our new advanced Skinner model.
As a valued client, we are offering you the chance to purchase a sample
before the rush. We are in fact, in the process of beta testing the new
model now, and we can offer you a substantial discount if you are
prepared to trial this model for us and fill in a brief questionnaire
later. We are sure that we have the model in question virtually perfect
now, but if you decide to take up this tempting offer, we must ask you
to sign a waiver, absolving the company of all responsibility for any
problems you may face.
Yours temptingly,
V. Brown
Homeclone
by Megaera
Letter from Clone Central Supply Co. of Los Angeles, California.
