Mulder cursed both himself and Krycek as he made his
way home that night. He cursed himself for being a fool and Krycek for
betraying him. Fox Mulder did not trust lightly— he didn't really trust
anyone unconditionally. Even Scully and Skinner were on shaky ground
some of the time. Now Scully was gone; abducted— and it was Mulder's own
lover who had aided her disappearance and possibly killed the only witness.
Even if Duane Barry was the raving lunatic everyone else thought he was,
he had been their best lead to whoever took Scully.
He walked into his apartment like a man going to the
electric chair. He knew the memories would overwhelm him, and they did.
That first night— he had brought Alex home with him and changed their
relationship forever. Alex— cuddling with him on the couch. Alex—naked
and teasing in the shower. Alex—writhing on the bed and telling Mulder
how much he loved him.
Mulder slumped in the chair across from the couch and
rubbed his eyes. He knew he should be focused on finding Scully right now
but thoughts of Alex kept popping up. He thought about the morning after
Barry had taken Scully from her apartment and Skinner had ordered Krycek
to take Mulder home to rest.
Alex had known Mulder would never be able to sleep
so he had stretched him out on the bed and loved him so gently that Mulder
had been moved to tears. He had proceeded to sob out some of his frustration
and fear on Alex's shoulder. Alex had been so tender and sweet, stroking
Mulder's back and wiping his tears away. Reassuring him that Scully would
be okay and they would find her. Mulder had been slightly comforted at
the time but now wondered whether the reassurances were just more lies
or based on some kind of inside information.
He looked over at the flashing red light on the answering
machine, remembering Scully's voice yelling his name in that last fateful
message, and felt his heart break just a little more. He hadn't thought
it was a possible to hurt any more but apparently it was. The wellspring
of pain inside him just seem to grow with each disappearance, each betrayal.
His isolation was even greater than ever—speaking
to Mrs. Scully had only driven that point home. He tried to imagine his
parents' reaction if he had been the one abducted. His mind conjured up
a rather grim picture of stoic acceptance, so he tried to shake that off
too, only to be confronted with his solitude-both physical and emotional.
Mulder finally hauled himself out of his chair and
went to take a shower. It seemed like days since he had felt clean. The
hot water did little to soothe him and if his face was wet with more tears
than water he ignored it. He dried off mechanically and went to his room
for a fresh t-shirt and boxers.
Avoiding even a glimpse of the bed, he dressed quickly
and went back to the living room. He turned on the television for background
noise then lay down on the couch. It held just as much of Alex as the bed
did, but, oddly enough, Mulder could pretend for just a moment that Alex
had never been here. He tried to pretend for another moment that he had
never met—and loved—Alex Krycek. He couldn't do it. Alex—for all his
lies— had burrowed right into Mulder's heart. So now it felt like that
part of him had been ripped out.
He sniffled and sat up. Brooding wasn't the answer
but he had gotten little or no sleep in the last days so he had precious
little energy left to do anything else. He stood up a bit unsteadily as
exhaustion started to take its toll. He went to the kitchen for aspirin
then to his bedroom door. He stood there, braced against the door frame
and slowly raised his eyes to the bed. The scene of the crime, Mulder thought—
his criminal stupidity in getting involved with Alex Krycek in the first
place.
He walked slowly to the side of the bed. The neatly
made up bed. Mulder had never bothered but Alex always made the bed...
and washed the dishes, dusted the tables and bookshelves, and folded and
hung his clothes with military precision. Mulder had laughingly told Alex
on more than one occasion that he would make some lucky guy a great wife
someday. Tonight Alex's neatness was not amusing to Mulder, it was infuriating.
He leaned down and grabbed the bedclothes in two big handfuls and wrenched
them from the mattress. The pillows flew off to the side, and he scooped
them up and threw them in the corner with the rest. He was sure he could
still smell Alex's scent so he turned the mattress over. He collapsed on
the bare bed, the last of his energy drained. He lay there gasping for
a moment before finally giving in to sleep.
Mulder awoke with a hand over his mouth and a warm
body draped half over his chest. He was surrounded by a familiar scent
It all felt too familiar as he looked up into green eyes glittering
in the faint light from the hallway. The room was dark but for that single
shaft of gold falling through the door and across the bed, but Mulder could
see Krycek well enough to know that the green FBI agent was gone. This
man, dressed all in black with his hair rumpled, seemed to be someone else
entirely.
Krycek pulled his hand away in a slow caress and Mulder's
throat constricted. He swallowed hard and croaked, "Why?" He
had a hundred questions and accusations but only one made it through.
"There's a half dozen reasons for doing anything.
I can't tell you much. I did try to protect you." Alex's voice was
low and gentle and, Mulder thought, possibly regretful. But maybe that
was wishful thinking. His trip up Skyland Mountain flashed through his
mind.
"You tried to kill me on that tram." He was
angry again and tried to sit up but Alex held him down. They struggled
very briefly before Mulder fell back tiredly.
"I wasn't trying to kill you, just slow you down.
It was your bright idea to climb out of the tram car in the first place.
I was under orders but I never wanted to hurt you, Fox."
"Don't call me that! You don't have that right
anymore." He was almost embarrassed by his outburst over what could
be viewed as a trivial point. For some reason, it seemed terribly important
just now. "You rat bastard, don't ever do that again."
"I'm sorry." At Mulder's disbelieving glare,
he nodded. "I am. I really didn't want to hurt you—in any way—but
I had no choice."
"Everybody has a choice. You chose to betray
me, the FBI, and probably this country. And Scully. Where is she? Just
tell me that and I can forget the rest."
"Forget? Forget this?" Alex leaned down and
kissed Mulder on both cheeks then his mouth. He almost smiled when he felt
Mulder's lips tremble under his own. He pulled back just a bit and whispered,
"You won't forget. You might hate it and try to convince yourself
that you hate me, but you will never forget."
Mulder shuddered under the truth of that statement.
Having an eidetic memory could be a real bitch sometimes. His throat seemed
to close up as he tried to swallow back the anguish. Alex was giving him
that adoring look again. The look that had always made Mulder wonder what
it was Alex was seeing in that moment. He closed his eyes and tried to
calm down and think instead of feeling so damn much.
"Where's Scully? Is she all right? Tell me where
she is... please." His voice had remained hoarse but steady until
the last word then it broke. He sniffed and cleared his throat and spoke
again, looking in Krycek's eyes this time. "Please Alex. Tell me where
she is. I won't ask if I meant anything to you. I won't ask if it was all
an assignment. Just tell me where she is because it's the right thing to
do."
"I can't. I'm a dead man if I tell you anything.
I may be one for coming here tonight but I had to see you one more time.
I had to say goodbye."
"You already did that. The last time we were in
this bed. There's nothing left to say."
"You're right. I better go." He still held
Mulder down on the bed. He leaned down for one more kiss but Mulder jerked
his head to the side and it landed on his cheek. Krycek's lips lingered
for a moment. Then he whispered, "I do love you, Fox Mulder. And we
will meet again. Someday."
Then he released Mulder and disappeared out the door
in a dark blur. Mulder lay there stunned for a moment then jumped up and
rushed after his former lover. But Krycek was gone as if he had never been
there and Mulder was left alone and hurting once again.
The end. From the song "Not an Addict" by K's Choice
and written by Sarah & Gert Bettens -Taken completely out of context
;-)
It's over now, I'm cold, alone
I'm just a person on my own
It's not a Habit
by Amy B
Fox Mulder walked out of A.D. Skinner's office full
of anger and hurt that even the reopening of the X-Files could not assuage.
Alex Krycek had disappeared. His telephone had been disconnected and Mulder
was sure his apartment had been cleaned out. He shouldn't be surprised
after finding that damned Morley butt in Krycek's ashtray, but he had held
some faint hope that at least one person in this whole debacle would get
the punishment he deserved.
Nothing means a thing to me
(nothing means a thing to me)
It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it you're on the other side
I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie)
Free me, leave me
Watch me as I'm going down
Free me, see me
Look at me, I'm falling and I'm falling...
