The Secret Logs of Mistress Janeway
by NovaD

Note of What has Gone Before: Captain Janeway confronted her worst fears when they encountered the Equinox, a fellow Federation starship lost in the Delta Quadrant.  Dedicated to returning home at all cost, Captain Ransom and his crew had abandoned all pretensions of duty, honor or civility.  After Ransom kidnaped Seven of Nine and then evaded Voyager, Janeway became obsessed with tracking the Equinox down. This alarmed Chakotay, who was eventually relieved of duty until the crisis had past.

Seven was forced to confront her Borg past upon meeting three former drones that she had previously assimilated into the Collective.  With Voyager's help, they were freed from a mindlink they shared with each other, even though this ensured their own deaths.

Tom Paris' new holoprogram was Fair Haven, a simulation of an old Irish village.  While there, Kathryn Janeway began a relationship with the local barkeep, Michael Sullivan.  The ability to infinitely adjust Michael's character to her tastes eventually led Janeway to lock herself out of his program.

Voyager found itself the victim of three criminals who impersonated Janeway, Chakotay and Tuvok to sell ‘memberships' in the United Federation of Planets.

The Spirit and the Flesh: A Record of Personal Insights into the Journey of Kathryn Janeway and Her Crew

by Chakotay

Day 1

This is by far the most personal of any of the hobbies I’ve picked up. I have, in fact, passed it by many times as I scanned the hobby database. I was puzzled how such a thing as journal writing could have become such a popular past time even in the self-absorbed Earth of the 21st Century. What could be so interesting in writing about oneself? It puzzled me. I write about what I did and how I responded to events in my life all the time. How could holding a writing implement and transcribing the words in my own hand be any different from an official or personal log?

I proceeded as I would normally when a new pastime caught my eye, not that many have during the journey back home. When something is going to occupy my free time away from Kathryn, it has to be something that suits me very well. I have often chided Kathryn about picking up interests then casting them aside like an old shoe. Those pursuits had been a waste of time, which, frankly, could have been spent with me. When I choose a hobby, it would be one that was obvious to anyone who knew me.

I’ve found journal writing it interesting. I didn’t understand how much of a difference there would be between speaking words to a computer and writing them on paper. The time and effort it takes to actually write the words in a clear, legible fashion gives each one an added weight. Not that any of my spoken logs aren’t accurate; it’s just that these words would have to be chosen with more care. This would be a challenge I wanted to attempt.

As diversions go, this was an easy one to begin. All I needed was a bound journal, a writing implement and a clear mind. It isn’t nearly as painful as boxing -- at least physically. I have decided to focus my entries on individuals rather than a time line. So many crazy things happen on the ship that I would be immersed in minutia already covered in the official logs. Besides, it is the relationships that are most important to me.

I must discuss Kathryn Janeway, a subject I will return to over and over again. She is foremost in my thoughts at any given point of the day. I feel that I know her better than anyone on Voyager. I may know her better than anyone who has been close to her. The confidence in that statement comes after a lot of time and observation. I have learned to have faith that despite the strong currents and eddies of emotion within her, Kathryn’s decisions are based on a clarity I’ve found unusual in Starfleet officers. She has a fair heart as well as a brilliant mind. I first saw it in her during our time with the Caretaker. It was in part why I cast my lot with hers and why I’m content to stay.

Day 4

The Equinox Incident, as we refer to it now, has caused the biggest strain in our professional and personal relationship since we started for home. Captain Ransom has made Kathryn angry. Now, I’d seen her angry before, but never to such an extreme nor for such a sustained length of time. Her feelings are understandable. Voyager’s kindness had been met with betrayal. The crew is forced to kill or be killed by those tortured aliens. And the most egregious affront to the Captain and to the Mistress was that somehow the Equinox had left with Seven of Nine on board.

Day 5

A minefield lies before me. Captain Janeway and Mistress Janeway hardly ever overlap and her most important hobby has never interfered with her official duties. I’ve never been given any cause to wonder if Kathryn’s lifestyle was affecting her command decisions and I know it would be a deep insult to such. But I have never seen her so visibly angry except when the Mistress was extremely displeased. Thus, I have reason to wonder. Her grim resolve and her willingness to torture Ransom’s crew is alarming. I saw her face harden in resolve as we stood in the corridor outside the cargo bay. I have seen that expression before. But when I challenged her, I saw that the hardness had reached her eyes. In the past when I thought she was about to cross the line, I saw the compassion in Kathryn still there. Now, it was gone.

Day 6

I have been compelled to defy her, and I cannot guarantee her that I can follow her orders later. It tears me apart, and what troubles me even more is I don’t think she can see how much this is hurting me.

Day 9

It is only now, later, that I realize that she knew how close I was to rebellion before she decided to find a way of reaching the aliens. And I saw something disturbing in her eyes as she sent me away to my quarters while she did what she believed she had to do: betrayal.

That puzzles me. When Kathryn knows at her core that she is wrong, I’d see some regret. She knows that I had to at least offer an alternative to a path that I believed was destructive to her and the crew -- even if we succeed. We have never hunted a ship like this before. What we are engaged in feels more like vengeance and less like justice. Why would she think I’ve betrayed her?

I am struck by how isolated she seemed at that moment. Then, it was gone with a quick inhale. She informed me of how it was going to be and though I still have my doubts, I begin to wonder what is going on in her head that has brought her to this point. There is always a complex process behind her harder decisions -- even those that take a split second. Because of the constant attacks on the ship, I have not been privy to that process. I have missed something. It is something that Kathryn thought I should have seen and supported. While I cool my heels in my quarters, I’ve decided to figure out what I’ve missed.

Day 12

Somehow, Voyager has survived once again and without selling our souls. Kathryn’s anger at Captain Ransom dissipated in the wake of his sacrifice. She still looks haunted by the ordeal. I want to go to her to help her start healing. I need it as well. But I have to wait and watch for the right time. She is putting the ship back together and making sure that Seven was whole. I have to give her that time.

This is the hardest part of being with Kathryn. Most think it’s the struggle over power. That’s never been the case. I am very comfortable where I am. What troubles me is not being able to help her personally when she needs it most. It doesn’t matter how exhausted she seems or how gaunt she looks, I must stand by and wait until she finishes what she needs to do or is beyond doing anything more before I can hold her and persuade her to eat and to rest. I’ve been told by many of my shipmates that my patience rivals Tuvok’s. If they only knew how often I wrestle with my feelings.

Day 28

While I’ve waited and done my research, the fine craft of macramé has caught my attention. The intricate needlework keeps my mind and my fingers occupied for hours on end, and the gifts I’ve made for the crew seems to have cheered them up -- save for Tuvok who doesn’t seem to understand the concept of the multiple plant hanger. I was just starting on a tea cozy for him when Kathryn invited me to dinner.

The dinners have become a routine after the Slip Stream incident. To the crew, they are informal briefings during which we remain available to staff. But for us, it is a time to unwind without fear of discovery. Kathryn offered to cook, so I knew that the conciliation and healing was to begin. Pot lucks meant for a more contentious evening. My job for dinner tonight was to bring the wine and plenty of it.

As for clothes, I realize in retrospect, that I had dressed very carefully for dinner. I chose fabrics and colors that I knew Kathryn liked me to wear. I was nervous about what she would choose. A full uniform meant an evening of serious conversation and some work for me if I sensed she could be persuaded towards more. Certain dresses meant that I was almost certainly for dessert. When she came to the door, I didn’t know what to expect or even what I could handle. Kathryn wore her uniform pants with the undershirt -- something in between.

It was odd, but at that moment she took the wine from me and indicated that I should sit, I really missed her long ponytail. Her hair, it seems, could never mislead me. Kathryn just couldn’t keep it from reflecting her moods. There would be times when she would be all buttoned up and polished and seemingly stern, but that ponytail would have a few wisps that had escaped. More would follow as she moved. It seemed to me that her hair was telling me that it longed to be touched. Eventually, I would just reach over and pull it all free and sink my hands into its thickness. The shorter style made it harder to read her. I swear that was why she cut it -- to keep me guessing.

Kathryn was smiling when I came in. And it was a real, warm smile, not the ‘I am the Captain exchanging pleasantries’ smile. I relaxed and accepted my plate. It was midway through the meal before we shifted from ship’s business.

"You were checking on the records I accessed over the past several weeks," she said. Her tone was neutral.

"Yes," I replied. Candor was always best with either the Captain or the Mistress.


"I needed answers," I said. "I needed to know why you’d taken such a rigid stance against Ransom. I needed something that made sense."

"You thought you would find it in the mission logs?"

"I knew that you always had good reasons for your decisions in the past even if they weren’t readily apparent," I said. "You spent a lot of time looking at those logs. I figured I’d find something in them as well."

"Did you?"

I took a sip of wine to take a moment to phrase my thoughts. "You were looking at some of the bad encounters we’d had with various planets and at the records for the Equinox. You reasoned that some of the bad reputation we had in this quadrant and the grief that it caused us was because of the Equinox."

She shrugged. "I figure Captain Ransom threw out protocols fairly early. It would have taken a long slide down a slippery slope to rationalize murdering another species. And it was sometimes tempting to use this ship’s power to get what we needed."

"You knew that we would have to fight that reputation of being killers all the way home. Beyond that, if they were willing to do this monstrous thing, what else were they willing to do?"

"We were the only ones in a position to stop them," she said.

"I understand. And besides," I said with a smile. "As crafty as they were, we’d be the ones up on charges by the time we got home."

She smiled at that. Her eyes were warm. "Don’t think that hadn’t occurred to me. Not that we won’t be anyway."

She laughed at her own thought. I love that laugh. It is so full of irony and warmth. But then, I love all her laughs: the hearty belly laugh that makes her teary eyed; the evil cackle that signals a slave -- usually Tom -- is about to have the skin on his back removed. Her eyes had grown very soft and warm by the time she stopped. I found myself inhaling sharply.

"You were right though," she said quietly.


"There was a lot of rage in me. Rage at what that ship had put us through when we were unaware of them… rage for the aliens… rage and fear over Seven. I knew she would never help them and that they’d have to destroy that beautiful being," she said with a shudder. "And I was tired of feeling hamstrung by our own protocols and impotent against people who know we wouldn’t cross the line. It was there with me burning white hot… so hot I’m exhausted in the wake of it. But I never was too far gone."

"You couldn’t be like him," I said. "If we’d been able to really talk, I would have seen that."

"I’ve missed you, Chakotay."

I closed my eyes briefly and let out a long breath. "I’ve missed you too, Kathryn. I wanted to be with you so much."

She rose from her seat carrying her glass and the wine bottle to the sofa. Not headed for the bedroom yet, I observed. I followed.

"I wanted to go to you," Kathryn whispered. She was half reclined on the furniture with her eyes closed until I settled next to her. Then she looked at me. "I almost came to you a dozen times."

She smiled. "Then, I thought about what would happen if we were attacked by a creature while we were together."

I laughed at that. "Then let me hold you now."

She sighed as I pulled her into my arms to cradle her in my lap. I arranged us so that we had a lot of contact but could still sip wine.

"You feel good," she sighed.

"You too."

There was not much more talk that night. I held her closely soaking up the feel of her. I didn’t care if I had her that night. If she fell asleep in my arms, then the privilege of undressing her and putting her to bed would be mine. I love that she trusts me so much that my handling of her body doesn’t disturb her sleep. I cherish these instances. She is completely mine and absolutely unguarded in these moments. Besides, I know that having her was a mere matter of time.

Fortune was on my side that night. Kathryn grew restless. She set down her glass and turned in my arms. Her gaze scorched my face. She moistened her lips. I stared at her mouth wanting it -- needing it. I found myself tightening my embrace around her shoulders as I lowered my head. My heart soared at her moan as my mouth covered hers.

Kissing Kathryn Janeway rates amongst my favorite things to do. She tastes so good and responds so intensely. I love how she opens up to me during a kiss. She gives herself to me completely. Whenever we are at our most tense times, I know that if I can kiss her, I can take her. That night, Kathryn pressed against me. She moaned again when my lips left hers to nibble on her ear.

"Please… Chakotay," she whispered. Her arms crept around my neck. "Don’t tease me."

I could have protested. Teasing was the farthest thing from my mind. I didn’t argue. I lifted her and took her into the bedroom. Undressing her should have been a priority, but I had to kiss her again. Kathryn was enjoying it, but the Mistress had her needs. Soon she was arching against me. At times like this, it’s best to just make her come as hard as I can. Then, I can take my time with her.

I stripped her quickly then readied her by sucking her nipples and fingering her clit. When she began to buck against my hand, I dropped my trousers then pushed inside her. I gave her the kind of ride she wanted: hard and deep. She met my thrusts while holding my gaze. I ratcheted things up by fingering her clit again. That sent her over. I watched her face in waves of pleasure, then I came just as hard. It had been so long.

We rested for a moment. I held her against me stroking her hair and relishing the feel of her on my skin. I would have been content with that if I had been with Kathryn a few times earlier that week, but I hadn’t. I’d had a taste of what I’d been missing and wanted more. So as soon as I got my second wind, Kathryn was pinned down on her back

"You’re insatiable," she whispered just before I kissed her. This time, I savored her mouth at my leisure enjoying her heat and her sweetness. She gave in to me this time returning my kiss lazily. Her delicate hands were gently skimming the contours of my back. I wasn’t sated yet. After five or six times, I might be. Such was my goal for the night.

Tasting was high on my agenda. I hadn’t had her skin under my mouth in far too long. I licked and sucked my way along the contours of her torso then her back. I avoided her nipples for the moment. If she was stimulated too quickly, Kathryn had ways of making me want to end my exploration before I was finished. She was murmuring encouragement with her eyes closed and a small smile on her face. There was no resistance in her body as I turned her over to access a bit of skin. She sighed with each movement allowing me my fill.

Eventually, I had to have those nipples. I love the way they taste and how they feel when Kathryn’s excited. I could suck and tug them into making her come when I wanted. At that moment, I just wanted her to squirm for me. Each nipple was attended to in turn. While sucking and nibbling on one, I fingered the other while keeping her pinned down with my body. She couldn’t move in any way to provoke me. She couldn’t reach any pertinent part of me. All she could do was take it.

Kathryn was enjoying it. I could tell by her panting and mumbled encouragement. But I was making her horny and she could do nothing to spur me on. It was frustrating her. I could tell by her growing struggles under me. She wouldn’t beg me. She knew that was what it would take to make me abandon my plans. So I drove her crazy for a time. When I had my fill of those tasty nipples, I held her down with a forearm then licked my way down her abdomen while pushing her legs apart. It was time to take a good long taste of sweet Kathryn. So I held her down and ate her until she was nearly screaming. I felt her quivering with orgasms. She could barely breathe they hit with such intensity. I was rock hard and ready to have her the way I really wanted that night.

I easily flipped her over then pulled her up by the hips until she was on her knees. Then I put a pillow under her stomach and spread her lovely cheeks after nipping each one. I lubricated myself with her own juices then readied her. Kathryn was moaning loudly as I pushed inside her ass. I waited for her to accept me there before reaching around for her clit. I moved in slow easy strokes despite how much I wanted to come. I wanted to pound into her more. We had been apart too long and I wanted to imprint my cock in her so she’d remember how it felt. She felt incredible, all heat and tightness. Soon she was thrusting back. The Mistress was reasserting herself, taking over, grasping me and working me. I had to let go. I heard my own cry as I came deep inside her.

Kathryn was asleep before I gently pulled out of her. I had enough strength to clean us both up before I drew her into my arms and nearly passed out. I woke up a couple of hours before my shift the next morning. I kissed her goodbye before leaving. She awoke enough to respond to my tongue and smiled as I whispered good morning.

Day 57

We’d had very few close calls over the years. Those we’d had were caused by getting carried away in an open area like a turbo lift or a corridor we thought was deserted. I still don’t know why the Circle has never been discovered. Perhaps it’s so unlikely a scenario everyone is blind to it.

The crew had seen glimpses of some things though. We’ve had to contend with all manner of rumors which have run rampant amongst the crew. I’ve heard most of them because I’m so quiet when the gossip is raging (and mainly because I want to hear things.) Some of the rumors were to be expected. I’d heard about Seven and Harry long before anything ever occurred. They had passed by the time the pair were actually involved. By then the rumors were about Seven and the Doctor. Those still persist. And though some wonder about how close Seven is to the Captain, there’ve never been linked in any personal way. Intriguing.

Some of the rumors make me wonder what these crewmen could possibly be seeing to cause such unlikely conclusions. Why would anyone think that Tuvok would have an intimate affair with Neelix? The Vulcan has trouble tolerating the man on most occasions. We know that he was the subject of several of Tuvok’s homicidal fantasies. I don’t see how they would ever fall into bed with each other. Then, there is Tuvok and Harry Kim. Perhaps they are together when Neelix is busy. I concede that Tuvok has shown a degree of warmth and mirth towards Kim and Paris as best he knows how. And I know that he has taken to teaching Mr. Kim in the wake of Kes’ absence. But he is so serious about intimate commitments, such an affair is just silly. They also seem to have forgotten his wife.

Then there is Harry and me. I suppose he fits me in around Tuvok. I like Harry Kim. He’s a good officer and a nice man. I don’t even mind sharing Kathryn with him as long as the Circle exists. And, in some moments, I admit that I’ve liked watching him in action, even with Tom Paris. He has an erotic intensity. I understand why Kathryn chose him to be her first slave. However, I’ve never found him attractive enough sexually to go to bed with him and I sure as hell wouldn’t let him collar and bind me. We barely interact beyond a personal level. Where does it come from?

My favorite and the one I hear most often is about me and Tom Paris. Again, I have come to respect Tom as an officer and now understand fully why Kathryn has faith in him. On an intellectual level, I also understand why she is fascinated with him as a slave. However, I find the man abrasive. I have found him so from the day we met. There is something in him that makes him razz me that I still find it annoying. Maybe the gossips mistake irritation for attraction. I wonder if any kind of encounter between two diverse individuals -- no matter how benign -- means that there must be something smoldering underneath.

It’s a fascinating statement about Voyager’s crew that I hardly ever hear about heterosexual pairs. Maybe it is too dull to speculate about. Maybe such couples don’t have enough drama. I heard a few whispers about Torres and me after Seska died, though I heard about Torres and Kim more often. No one seemed to see her with Tom Paris, and since I still hear about the two of us fairly often, it seems that no one can accept them as a couple even after all this time.

I’ve never heard about myself and Seven. I find that I want to hear such speculation. I like Seven a lot more than I ever thought I would. Her physical charms were always impressive and never lost on me. But she was Borg and I’ve had first hand knowledge of how hard that is to overcome. For a long time I couldn’t believe that someone raised Borg could come to accept Voyager as her collective. Nor had I expected that someone who was so abrasive at times could be so sweet at heart. She does dozens of things for the crew that most people don’t know about.

And she has endured a great deal. I think my opinion began to change after we lost One. Since then, I’ve watched her try to sacrifice herself to the Borg Queen, endure the rage of those she assimilated and raise children. Somehow, she keeps adapting. I’ve seen her sad from time to time and once nearly despondent with grief after the Bajoran she’d once assimilated died. But she endures. I think she would do anything for this crew -- especially for Kathryn.

Seven and Kathryn is not a rumor I hear about. But what a story it is. The scenes played out in public are amazing enough, but the ones that I’ve been privy to are astounding. Seven with Kathryn almost tempts me into the Circle on my knees. Not that I haven’t been tempted to join before. I don’t know of many men who wouldn’t be tempted by the thought of having Torres suck him off while Kathryn sat on his face. I have many fond memories of the Circle, but I want a future with Kathryn more.

But I am a human male and Seven is extremely tempting. I admit that I’ve viewed the logs of sessions with her a number of times. Aside from an extraordinary body that is the stuff of fantasies, I was struck that she used the same degree of single-minded intensity to her sexual pursuits. She is inventive and almost insatiable. It is a tribute to Kathryn as a Mistress that she was able to bring Torres back into the Circle with someone like Seven there. It also makes me wonder why Tom Paris spends so much time tinkering with machines and holoprograms when he could be tinkering with her.

I’ve thought about how I’d tinker with her. I wouldn’t play with her breasts. I’ve heard a lot of talk about them from the men, and even a few of the women onboard. I’d only use them to squeeze my erection between long enough to come all over that beautiful face. No, the position I’d like Seven in is on her knees with her back arched enough to show off that ass. That wonderful, gravity defying ass is why, I’m certain, Kathryn will chase anyone across the quadrant who dares to try and take her Borg away. But I digress.

I’d like her on her elbows and knees. Sometimes I think of her suspended from the ceiling in the leather harness with her hands strapped behind her back and her legs spread wide with the spreader bar at her thighs. There is something appealing about the way the Mistress trusses her slaves up for use. It’s something I would have never thought of on my own, but hell it’s a fantasy. While I pound into her as hard and deep as I can, I’d want her eating Kathryn. That way, I’d have what I’ve heard to be an amazingly tight, hot box while watching and listening to my favorite thing: seeing Kathryn Janeway come. I could have that anytime I’d ask for it. But I don’t. I could be balls deep in an incredible fantasy with one request. But I won’t. I take out that raging lust on the woman trying to lead me into temptation. And she loves it even though she isn’t getting her way.

Day 139

Ours is a complicated relationship. She loves me but would do almost anything to keep distance between us. If I join the Circle, the Mistress will have control over our relationship. I won’t do it. Not for a fleeting pleasure. I love her too much. But I digress.

The most confusing thing about the gossip has been about Kathryn. For the most part, the only murmurs are about how lonely she must be. There were some whispers about us after New Earth. But we managed to clamp down on that so fast that the rumors soon evaporated. It was puzzling that no rumors developed especially since she seemed so close to most on her command staff. Maybe the crew thinks she needs to be pure and focused on getting them home. Maybe they don’t want to think of her as having needs or weaknesses. I know that in some perverse way that that is how she likes to be seen

But something has caught the eyes of the observant. I think it was some heat in a few of our quieter conversations. I’m still not sure what the first incident may have been. But whatever it was, the whispers began. Those whispers have grown more insistent over time. Now one incident has turned all of the crew’s eyes upon us. I’ve overheard talk of how we both looked on the Bridge after one of our more explosive encounters. We’d gone into her Ready Room primed for a major confrontation but ended up all over each other instead. I’d assured Kathryn as we straightened our clothes that everyone would think we were still angry. In retrospect, Kathryn hadn’t looked angry. Her eyes and mouth were too soft. It was an odd shift, and eyes other than her Circle’s or Mr. Tuvok’s were on us. I’m not sure how I had appeared but the tongues began wagging. It feels like everyone is watching us now.

Day 143

"I simply cannot function in a fish bowl," she told me after a week of close scrutiny. "As the Captain or anything else."

We were in her Ready Room, so she allowed her voice to give her words their intended meaning.

"I don’t have an answer," I replied. "Anything we do will be given a deeper significance."

"I know," she said.

I then realized that she was very much aware of all the talk on board. She’d stopped being as touchy with the crew once the Circle was formed. I wondered if it was her control she doubted or her slaves? She must miss that. I miss it. Hers was a unique command style.

"Chakotay, where are you?"

Her voice startled me. Somehow, I’d missed what she’d said.

I smiled a little sadly. "Recent past."

Kathryn gave me that look -- a mixture of mirth and irony and sadness. "That’s all we’ll have if this plan doesn’t work."

"What plan?"

And that’s when I found out about Fair Haven, or how complex it has become. Tom had talked to me about it before when he asked me to delete my boxing program. Tom had been after me in the Mess. It was only the two of us and Tuvok. I was reluctant to let the program go. When I last fought, six months prior, I was one bout away from the championship. Tom was frustrated with me.

"Come on, Chakotay, this is for the whole crew," he said. "Besides, it’s not like you don’t have any other hobbies."

"And no alien has ever tried to communicate with us through a tea cozy," Tuvok added before bidding us good night.

"Logic my ass," Tom said. "Vulcans have a nasty sense of humor. He does stuff like that all the time."

It had been an unexpected hit from the Vulcan, but an accurate one. I hadn’t been using the boxing program very much of late. Kathryn had not been happy when my lip got split. She really made it clear how much she enjoyed my kisses. Risking any chance to indulge her wasn’t worth the championship.

Thus, up to that point in the Ready Room, I felt I had done my part for the cause of Fair Haven. The reason Fair Haven could be the answer to our rumor problems eluded me. She apparently read that on my face.

"I plan to find a very public diversion in old Ireland," she said. "I’ve always liked the accent. After a while, the crew will be preoccupied with that affair and look away from what’s really going on."

I had to concede the brilliance of the plan, but remained wary over what she wanted from me.

"The program needs more memory," she said. "The biggest file in there is the stamp collector’s convention."

I was struck. That program took me weeks to build. I hadn’t visited it in over four months, but the next time there I expected to find that 1962 US issue Dag Hammarskjold Invert I’d been searching for. Suddenly, I felt put upon.

"What about Mistress Barrows?"

She glowered at me. "The Club is a large program. That’s already gone. Barrows herself is not. Besides, she has a protocol that keeps her from being removed. Felix is very good."

"I’m sorry. It’s just that I was hoping to naturally come across the Dag Hammarskjold Invert," I said. "Those collectors were very difficult to program. And the thrill of finding a random treasure is hard to achieve on this ship."

She smiled at me. "And it is a brilliant program."

Kathryn slid a small square of Lucite toward me. "The G-man sends his regards and to tell you that Mojo finally came through for him."

I was stunned. "But…"

"Never underestimate the power of a short skirt and a tight blouse."

"How long did it take?"

"Long enough," she muttered. "You owe me. And when we aren’t in this fish bowl, I’ll show you some thrills."

Kathryn called for door lock then. She kissed me while pulling me across her desk. It was hard and fast, but it reminded me of how well she kept her promises. I deleted the program.

Day 162

She was right. The rumors of "Katie" and the barkeep were all over the ship the day after she first entered the program. This is uncharted territory for me. I was aware of the rules for the Circle. I had even grown accustomed to them. However, this infatuation with Michael Sullivan is a different experience. This holographic image was shaping into Kathryn’s ideal man. I’ve tried to keep in mind that this was all part of the ruse, but something about how the crew reacted didn’t sit well with me. They seem to think that it was crazy for them to think we’d ever been involved. I was not her type. That made me uncomfortable. When Kathryn became obsessed about her obsession with Michael, I got annoyed.

Kathryn is oblivious to my reaction. She talks on and on about her decision to deny herself access to Sullivan’s program. She doesn’t even understand her own actions. The Mistress with her intuitive knowledge of any slave’s weaknesses or desires didn’t know why she was pushing me away again. But I know why and I can’t let it go. With Kathryn if you retreat, you’ve lost. The only way to go is to push back. It often looks like arrogance to her -- the certainty of my hold over her. But it is fear... fear and anger over the thought of losing her to anyone or anything.

Day 164

A confrontation was out of the question. She would dismiss my concerns as being reactionary. When she told me about locking herself out of his matrix, I decided to make a small alteration to his character. Then I waited. Surprisingly, I only had to wait until the end of my shift on the first day that the modified program was up and running.

When I reached my quarters, I found a very angry Kathryn Janeway, still dressed in her period attire, waiting for me. I was very happy about that. It’s not so much that I’m a masochist to want to face that finely honed temper, but anger was more than I hoped for. The Mistress when really enraged at a slave is frosty and distant. I think it’s a safety mechanism for her subs. At any rate, I expected the Bridge to be like the Arctic Circle for quite some time after her discovery. I was waiting to put on my parka. Instead, I have a white hot woman in my quarters late at night.

"What have you done?"

"I added a little realism to your poet. Really, Kathryn. That was almost caricature," I said. "You certainly discovered it fast enough. What happened to the Mistress’ control?"

"How dare you?"

"How dare I? What happened to the ruse for the crew? Where in that deception did actually having sex with him fit into the picture?"

"I don’t know," she snapped. "It was a fantasy, Chakotay. He was the introspective type of man that I could never seem to attract."

"Maybe because they’re too self-absorbed."

"This isn’t about my holo-boyfriend. This is about you crossing the line."

"Is it? Who has crossed the line here, Kathryn?"

"What are you talking about?"

I had been standing near the door. I felt it was time to move toward her. I needed to crowd her a little.

"We had an agreement, Kathryn. You wouldn’t shut me out. You would share what you were doing," I said quietly and very close to her ear. "Where is the account of this affair?"

"Well… I didn’t think you’d be… interested."

"Really? You spend almost all of your free time with this being and have been with him intimately," I replied allowing some of my own anger to seep through my words. "And you haven’t chosen to come near me or your slaves since the rumors have stopped. Why wouldn’t you think I’d be very interested?"

She met my eyes. Her expression was still defiant. "But to stoop to making such… such…"

"An adjustment? I think I brought it back to normal parameters. Would you rather that I punch him out in his pub?"

Her eyebrow went up. "That would really start tongues wagging."

"I’ve told you before that I’ll fight for you, Kathryn. I’ll even fight you," I said. I realized that I was clenching my hands fighting the very strong impulse to grab her.

"You are awfully sure of yourself, Mister."

"No, I’m not," I admitted. "I thought I would have to cope with weeks of silence between us personally. You being here is far beyond what I expected."

I had surprised her. It was time to provoke her.

"Wasn’t Michael’s throbbing six inches enough for you?"

It was the final test of where we stood at that moment. If she turned and left, I had a lot of work ahead of me. She turned, then took a swing at me. I caught her wrist then pulled her hard against me making sure I ground my erection into her pelvis. She gasped but kept struggling. I tongued along the side of her neck then gently bit at the curve of her shoulder. She moaned, but was not relaxing. I was going to have to take her. It suited me. I was in the mood to reclaim what was mine. I don’t understand how a woman so in touch with what she wanted at any given moment was given to fighting her own body and me. I supposed it was part of a lifestyle whose nuances still escaped me.

At that moment, however, I wished I had some of her equipment. If we were in her quarters, I’d have her shackled to the bed while I stripped her clothing off. As it was I had to straddle her stomach while I ripped her very lovely Irish lace blouse and chemise. Then, I pinned her wrists over her head and kissed her. Kathryn yielded her mouth and moaned as I deepened the kiss, but she remained tense under my body. I was undaunted.

It took a little body english, but I managed to maneuver her long skirt up to expose her below the waist. And she was exposed.

"No underwear, eh?" I asked. "That’s not very ladylike, Katie."

I threw the skirt upward in annoyance covering her face. But before Kathryn could get over the shock at that, I had her knees up and apart and I was thrusting inside.

"You... you bastard…" she moaned. I pulled the fabric of the skirt a little to see her face. Her eyes were closed. Her face was flushed with pleasure. I felt her meeting my movements. I pumped into her until we both sweated through the clothes we still wore. Her eyes met mine as she began moaning continuously. I felt her tightening around me, but I held on until the orgasm began to subside before I came. I came so hard I almost blacked out. It was probably relief.

We slept for just a little while. Before Kathryn awoke, I stripped the rest of "Katie’s" garments off then cleaned us both up. Later, I planned to have a long hot bath with her in her quarters. At that moment, I was content to hold her under the covers.

"I needed that big cock," she murmured. "But you are still a bastard."

"Yeah, I am," I said. "But you drive me crazy."

She chuckled. "It’s part of my charm. Why do you think Barrows still finds me so fascinating?"

"I don’t doubt that."

She was quiet for a moment. "So what happens next? I still have to keep up my holo-affair."

"I know," I replied squeezing her to me. "But when you have those urges, come to me. It’s what I do when I have… thoughts…"

She leveraged up to look at me. "Thoughts… thoughts about what? Thoughts about whom?"

"Oh, no," I said with a chuckle. "I’m not giving you any more ammo than you already have in this arrangement."

She easily slid out of my embrace to straddle me. "I have ways of making you talk."

I found myself smiling and getting really hard. "You can certainly try."

Day 297

It’s been a few months since I’ve written in this journal. We got a little busy, and I’ve gotten intrigued with the purity in the science of chemistry. I had just finished building the lab in my quarters when the accident occurred. I still don’t think I should take the blame. If Tom’s program wasn’t still taking up so much memory, I would have worked in the Holodeck. And he was the one that told me about the labs some people had in the later part of the 20th Century. I guess there was no data on how unstable this ‘meth’ stuff was. He didn’t even know why so many people were making it in their homes.

So I’ve picked up the journal once again, because Kathryn suggested a less volatile pastime for a little while. That and I’ve noticed that she’s been reading it from time to time with quiet fascination. This night, we were having dinner and I was trying very hard to get her to release the three impersonators who had been causing us so much trouble.

"Kathryn, it’s even against your own rules. It wouldn’t be consensual. You would just be beating and raping the woman," I said tiredly. The fake Janeway had deeply offended Kathryn on so many levels. And since we hadn’t figured out who had jurisdiction over their punishment, she wanted to have a whack at them with Barrows.

I couldn’t blame her. That tattoo on the one was enough alone to warrant a beating. Even Tuvok was not very kindly disposed to them. But I couldn’t let her cross that line.

"Besides, you’d have to seduce them for it to work, and you don’t want to give them any kind of pleasure," I reasoned.

She gave that some thought. "Maybe there is a way. Janeway to Barrows…"

"Hello, dearest."

"Can you put together the most painful bits of sessions on board. I’ll make sure the padd gets to our guests in the Brig," she said with a devilish smile. "Then all I have to do is show up with the riding crop and they’ll piss themselves."

Barrows laughed heartily. "Brilliant, brilliant. I’ll get right on it."

She arched a brow at me.

"Kudos, Mistress. They may even tell us where to send them for prosecution," I said with a raise of my glass.

She raised her glass. "All without crossing the line. Now… about those fantasies with Seven…"

44: EEH