The Secret Logs of Mistress Janeway
by NovaD XII
Loggerheads  

Captain's Personal Log:

I was back on Earth. More specifically, I was back at the Club where I was trained as a Mistress. I was running through the facility. Through the haze of the dream, I could feel my heart slamming in my chest. Panic constricted my throat. Where was she? Where the hell was she?

I ran through rooms of well toned, oiled bodies in various states of undress and various states of pleasure or pain. I didn’t really see them. I was trying desperately to find the only person who could help me now. Finally, I cleared the compound to the beach beyond. In the glare of the sun reflecting off the water, I saw my Mistress. Her back was to me. The wind had loosed some wisps of her snow white hair from the thick braid she always wore.

I slowed down. My lungs were burning. My knees were weak. They buckled as I reached her side. I sunk onto the sand trying to catch my breath and find my voice.

"Mistress, I’ve tried everything to salvage this. Nothing works," I said. "I don’t know what to do next."

"Yes, you do, child." She said with her usually serenity. "I have never known you not to be clear on your course. You know what you must do."

"It will kill me," I said raggedly. My heart felt as though it would explode.

"Trust yourself. You know what you must do," she replied then began to walk away. My legs were jelly. I couldn’t follow her. The questions still roared in my mind.

"Don’t leave," I called out, but the waves diminished my cry. "I need you."

"I’m here, Kathryn," a husky, sleepy voice whispered in my ear.

I was jolted awake back on Voyager. Chakotay wrapped his arms around me embracing me close to his warm, hard chest.

"You’re shaking," he said. "What’s wrong?’

I didn’t reply. I couldn’t reply. He stroked my hair; caressed my cheek. It was basic comfort that lulled me back from the brink of panic. He was waiting for me to calm down enough to talk to him. I wasn’t ready to give him answers. Talking wouldn’t help me. I needed to blot everything out of my mind. This could be our final time.

I slid out of his arms to hover over his face. In the starlight, his dark eyes looked into mine with concern. He opened his mouth to speak again. I covered his with mine demanding he devour it. He hesitated for a second. I thought he might push me away. The Commander knew that I was evading. I pressed his shoulders back against the bed and provoked his mouth with my tongue.

Finally, he responded. He caught me against him one hand tangled in my hair the other arm held me firmly around the waist slanting his mouth across mine and delving his tongue inside. The familiar, intense wave of heat arced through me centering in my loins. I let the feeling take over; let it drown out the fear that was howling in my brain.

Before the Commander could turn me flat on my back and overwhelm me physically, I tore free of his lips. My hands were still trembling slightly when I stroked his hair tenderly. He closed his eyes with relish. I caressed and kissed his warm, smooth skin down the length of his powerful body. Chakotay lay still for the assault though I could tell he was aching to take control and drive me insane instead.

His big, thick cock was hard as steel beneath a hot, velvet sheath. I tongued the length of it making him moan softly in anticipation. I sucked off the wet, thick liquid that was already coming from the tip savoring the taste. Chakotay pulled me away long enough to shimmy back onto the pillows more for a better view. He called for soft lights. He wanted to watch me do it.

I took him into my mouth fully keeping my eyes on him. It had been a while since I went down on him. Usually, Chakotay’s brand of intensely physical lovemaking rendered me limp and exhausted. He was always so intent on pleasuring my flesh that I rarely got past caressing him before I was on my back or on my knees or straddling his face or in whatever new position he thought of taking me. I certainly had no reason to complain. Right then, though, I wanted to pleasure him.

I moved up and down on that hard long cock sucking for all I was worth which was considerable. Sucking a man off gives a great deal of control. If the one giving is any good, she or he can feel how close he is to coming and control whether or not he does. And I had a lot of stamina. After a while, Chakotay was moaning loudly and nearly levitating off the bed.

With a snarl, he reached down to grab me by the shoulders. I released him to be slid up his body far enough for him to impale me on that erection. I gasped throwing my head back offering my tits to his hot, hungry mouth. He sucked on the taut sensitive nipples while pumping into my tightness without mercy.

I gasped for air as the first orgasm hit me. I moaned out loud as the waves rippled through my quaking flesh. Chakotay let out a combination of a moan and a shout. He grabbed and held me closely as he shot inside of me. We both collapsed onto the bed. I remained cradled in his strong arms as he fell deeply asleep... just as I planned.

I pleasurably avoided the conversation, but the problem loomed before me tomorrow.
 
 

The problem was caused by Tom Paris. He had decided that he was in love with me. When Ensign Kim first told me of this one week ago, I admit that I dismissed it.

"Lots of men fall in love with their Mistresses," I said. "I can handle this in session with him."

Harry had been doubtful. I should have been listening, but I was intent on getting that ass which I was kneading pumping the cock I was stroking inside my wetness. As always, Mr. Kim didn’t fail to satisfy. Besides, I was correct. I had been well trained to deal with this situation. Not that my Mistress encouraged me to make slaves of those under my command -- quite the contrary. But it could happen that someone already a slave could end up under my command. There were well thought out contingencies for this. I was sure I could handle it.

What I hadn’t factored into the equation was the unique circumstances Voyager was in and how that would play upon the emotions of my crew.

When he knelt before me at the beginning of that last session, I didn’t notice anything different in his demeanor. His cheeks were flushed sweetly. He ears were slightly red. There was the usual smirk tugging at the corners of his mouth. I actually felt relieved.

"Look at me, Tom," I said.

"Yes, Mistress," he replied in a whisper.

"Uh-oh," I thought. My heart sank to my stomach. Gone was the provocative challenge, the laughter in those clear blue eyes. This was adoration pure and simple. It was not the same kind of adoring gaze I got from Kim. This was a look of a bridegroom about to take a honeymoon.

"It has been brought to my attention that you have expressed certain thoughts about the Mistress to Mr. Kim," I said. My fondness for the direct approach withered under that gooey sweet stare.

"I knew he would tell you," Tom said without rancor. "I hoped he would. That makes it easier."

"Excuse me?"

"I...," Paris nearly rose, but thought better of it. "Permission to stand, Mistress."

"No," I replied quickly. "You stay where you are and lower those eyes. What is this you’re trying to say."

"I’m in love with you," he said in a quiet, sincere tone. The smirk was gone.

"But you can’t be, Tom," I said. "Of all my others, I thought you and I would most enjoy the game because it was merely that between us."

"Not any more," he said. "I can’t stand to be with anyone else but you."

I sighed in exasperation. "This cannot be, dear one. I cannot ‘belong’ to any of you. Each of them needs me as much as you do."

"Mistress, you know that they have begun to form their own circle. You know they have others to take care of their needs."

"Not all of them," I replied patiently. "Besides, Tom, so long as we remain on this ship they will be mine. To turn away from them in favor of one would be devastating and unfair."

"This is about Chakotay," he said. To my surprise, he rose and looked me in the eyes. "He would be the only one alone. Why protect him? He tolerates the Mistress, but does not want to be one with her..."

"Enough, Tom," I said with anger in my voice. "Go no further with this. We’ll both regret it."

I took a moment to catch my breath and gain composure. "You cannot know what is between the Commander and I. It is not for you to know. If you are mine, my slave, you must trust implicitly that what I say is true and for your benefit. You trust me with your body and your pleasure. You must trust that I know what you need emotionally. And that I know what I need."

Tom blushed at my words. Slowly, he sank back to his knees and then lowered his eyes.

"I think we need some time to think, Tom," I said. "It wouldn’t be good tonight."

"Mistress!" he said. He looked stricken.

"Just for tonight, pet," I said. "I need to be alone."

"Yes, Mistress," Tom said with reluctance. He got dressed quickly and left me. I sunk to my shaky knees. I was very afraid.
 
 

It turned out that I had good reason to be afraid. When I took my post on the Bridge the next morning, the tension was almost a physical entity. Chakotay was rigid beside me. We interacted, but looked at me only once. Tuvok was scheduling a time for his weekly briefing with Chakotay and I. Once one was decided, the Commander turned to me.

"Captain, I need some time tonight to go over readiness reports for the next month," he said with a deceptive casualness. He was lying. We had discussed them a day earlier. I hadn’t entered them into the computer yet. His eyes met mine. I nearly flinched. Turbulence was in their depths... and a hard resolve that frightened me.

"Let’s make it a working dinner, then," I said with an ease I did not feel. "1900 hours."

"Yes, Ma’am," he replied.

The Commander leaned back in his chair focusing his eyes forward. Paris was unusually rigid in his chair and the dinner date made him sit all the more stiffly. I could feel a nervous flurry over my shoulder from Kim, but I would not look at him. He would only confirm the disaster that loomed ahead. I couldn’t stand that and work the rest of my shift. For once, I prayed for a crisis from the outside to save me from my crew.

There was no reprieve. My bell chime rang promptly at 1900. The Commander stalked in a second later.

I was seated on my sofa with a perfectly chilled sauvingnon.

"So, do we get to eat at all or are you going to just bite my head off as an entree?" I said.

"This is very serious, Kathryn," Chakotay said. "A junior officer has accosted me in my quarters, demanding that I let you go."

"You didn’t fight, did you?"

"No," the Commander replied. "But he was angry enough to take a swing at me."

"I turned him out last night," I replied. "Under the circumstances, a session would be counterproductive."

"Kathryn, I don’t know how much protocol he violated along with my privacy and yours," he said.

"I’m working on it, Chakotay," I said. "I didn’t exactly plan this. Certainly not with Paris. I thought him impervious to something so serious."

Chakotay sat near me. His face was solemn. "I didn’t think it would be him either, but I knew it would be one of them. You have given them an amazing gift. It shouldn’t surprise you that one would want more. I’m surprised it hasn’t happened sooner."

"I can handle this," I said. "I’ve been trained by one of the best in my field."

"What if you can’t," he insisted. "This could spill out into the corridors... maybe onto the Bridge."

"He wouldn’t do that," I said. "Give me time."

Chakotay paused. I downed my glass. Somehow, I knew he wasn’t yielding.

"Maybe we could use this as an opportunity, " he said.

"How so?"

"Let the Lieutenant down gently, then let them all go," Chakotay said.

"What?"

"Let them go. It would be easier for Paris to cope with that way," he said. "Be with me."

"What would the crew think?"

"They wouldn’t mind," He said with a smile. "Most of them expected it after New Earth."

"Have you taken a poll?" I asked. I had been feeling apologetic, but my anger was rising. I had the feeling that the most important decisions in my life were being made by everyone but me.

Chakotay was not deterred. He took the glass from my hand and moved closer to me. "Would it be so bad, Kathryn? Would it be so terrible to go to bed with me and wake up with me every night without the scheduling gymnastics? I’d love to provoke your laughter publicly. I’d love to look at you with unguarded eyes wherever we are so you know how I feel. Look at me, Kathryn."

I had been avoiding that. Desperately. I lifted my eyes to meet his. There in those dark depths was the promise of hot, volatile, tender and long lasting passion. I felt his strength. I needed his strength. I needed everything that he wanted to give me. Chakotay saw that in my eyes. He softened his stance.

My eyes welled up. The tears stung. "Don’t do this to me, Chakotay," I whispered. "It isn’t fair."

"When I think of you pressed against me, when I think of you truly beside me, I don’t care if it’s fair," he whispered. "I’ll fight any way I can. I’ll even fight you."

I was in his arms then. Before I could struggle or cry out, his mouth had claimed mine. "Unfair! Unfair, you bastard!" My mind cried out, but it was no match for my body. I was melting the instant his tongue touched mine. He deftly removed my clothes without releasing my lips.

As I was spread out onto the carpet, I stopped resisting all together. After all, I wanted him. And this would give me a delay in giving him an answer. I chased all the pain from my eyes and concentrated on the nearly black eyes that moved over my body as he removed his clothing. I reached for him when he finished my hands rejoicing at the silky feel of his tawny hard muscled back.

He was slow and tender taking a long time arousing me; building slowly to a long plateau of incredible climaxes before finally allowing himself release. I succumbed to an immense wave of fatigue that swept over me. I fell asleep in his arms before we reached my bed.
 
 

Late that night, after my oral acrobatics, while the Commander lay sound asleep, I quickly dressed. It was hours before anyone of us had to be anywhere. Hopefully, it would be enough time to get down all that was necessary. I had to do it while my resolve was strong or I would never be able to.

"Janeway to Kim," I said quietly.

His response was immediate though groggy.

"Is B’Elanna with you?"

"Yes, Mistress."

"Are you otherwise alone?"

"Yes."

"I’ll be right there," I said.

Moments later, both my dear ones were gazing at me with solemn, tear glazed eyes as I fought to speak with serenity and certainty.

"Please, don’t be angry at either one of them," I said. "Neither can help how they feel. Paris will need your support more than ever. And Chakotay would miss your friendship."

"But what about you, Mistress," Torres said. "It leaves you alone."

"It was always a possibility, dear ones," I said. "You will always have my counsel and my affection. All I ask is that you share your logs with me."

"Anything, Mistress," Kim said.

I embraced them then left quickly. Paris was next. He was wide awake when I reached his quarters. It appeared that he had not slept.

"I had to talk to Chakotay," he said as soon as the door closed.

"I’m glad you did," I said quietly. "It shook me out of an erotic fog and enabled me to look at this situation realistically."

"I don’t like the sound of that," he said.

"Probably not," I replied. "Please, understand that I am not punishing you or any of the others. I have made a grave error in judgement because of my desires. I failed to see that because there is no outside life for any of you, the rules of slavery cannot apply.

"It has been far too intense and I have let emotions run far hotter than they should have. And now, I must throttle back the intensity. Unfortunately, the only way to do this is to end this relationship with all of you, now."

Paris was stunned. He sank onto a chair and gaped at me with disbelief. "You’re throwing us away?"

"No, pet," I said. "I’m freeing you. In time, you will be able to see all the more suitable possibilities for a long term mate. The one you choose will be honored to have your love. In a different lifetime, I certainly would have.

"But I cannot choose one of you over the others. It’s too soon for me to openly choose at all," I said. "Perhaps, in time, if we are still making our way out of this Quadrant, I could consider that luxury. Right now, the crew must know that the entire focus of my being is getting home."

"You would rather be alone than with me?" He asked. I couldn’t bear the hurt in his eyes.

"Tom, I adore you. I will always be there for you, but this would be a mistake for you," I said gently. "And it would be horribly selfish of me. Go to the others. You can support each other."

I gently kissed him on his forehead and left him with his thoughts. I couldn’t say I looked forward to my shift in the next two hours. I really didn’t look forward to the next few minutes.

Chakotay was awake and sitting up in my bed when I entered. His gaze was calm and level when I sat down beside him.

"I should apologize for my behavior," he said.

"It’s forgotten," I replied.

"The answer is no," he said.

"Not entirely," I replied with a tiny smile. "I did let them go."

"But you’ve given me up as well," he said. "It was the other side of the equation that I’d hoped you wouldn’t consider."

"You don’t seem surprised... or upset," I replied.

"Don’t get your ego in an uproar, Kathryn," Chakotay said. "I’m not conceding defeat."

"What?!"

He gazed at me levelly. "I’ve wanted you for a long time before we first touched. I’ll back off now, but I will not let you go. Know that I am always there. That you are always in my thoughts. I am a very patient man. I will wait for as long as you need."

I was speechless. He leaned forward and kissed me gently. "I’ll see you on the Bridge."

I showered and put on my uniform. There was still an hour to go before I was due to report. I made my way to the Holodeck.

"Barrows 1," I said to the computer then stepped inside when the doors opened. My Mistress had been programmed in every detail and even fed the logs of all of my activities as a Mistress, so that her counsel would be relevant.

She sat on the throne in the main receiving room at the Club. I walked over and knelt before her with my eyes down.

"Look at me, child," she said.

I raised my eyes to her warm gray ones. She smiled at me.

"I did what I had to," I said.

"Yes, you did," she replied. "Don’t distress yourself over it."

"I worry about them."

"You are a good Mistress," she said. "But your slaves have always been surprising -- Not the bad kind of surprising when a slave turns on you with your own bull whip, but delightfully surprising. Whatever they do next, I don’t think it will cause you anguish. And how about your Commander?"

"Insufferable," I said with a smile. "He is giving me space, but will not let me go."

Mistress Barrows smiled. "All that passion and loyalty, too. Delectable."

"He is that," I admitted. "I don’t know how long he’ll have to wait, though."

"That is where I would caution you, Kathryn," the Mistress said. "You are a fine commander, but where your happiness is concerned, I feel you may be too conservative."

"Conservative?" I was bemused. That wasn’t a definition I would have used.

"Your ship is a unique situation. I think it may be better to use the early deep space missions of the Federation as a model rather than your recent history. When I was a Yeoman back in the dark ages, we used to run into vessels on very long term scientific exploration where everyone had paired off and even produced children.

"When you return, the bigger question may not be why you allowed yourself to have a relationship, but why you didn’t," she said drily. "I wouldn’t want one of my best students to end up in the psychiatric journals."

"I’ll take that under advisement," I replied. "I have to get to work."

"I’m always here, child."

"I know, Mistress."
 
 

It was a difficult few weeks. We had no emergency to distract us from the internal melodrama. Kim and Torres were darling to me. They had meals with me in the Mess at least three times a week. I had their logs which I dutifully transferred to the Barrows program, though I was not quite up to reading them.

Chakotay, too, ate with me with more frequency. The topics were carefully neutral, but he was warm and open. We even took to playing cards or shooting pool together at Sandrine’s. It was important for Paris to see us at ease, but not together during that time. He still reacted to seeing me, but it grew more tempered over time.

I spent my nights immersed in reports until my eyes burned. I would have a hot bath and some camomile tea and try to sleep. One night out of three, I was successful. Intense dreams interrupted my sleep most nights. So vivid were the dreams that I was reliving textures and tastes and scents of my slaves and of Chakotay. I could feel the cool smoothness of B’Elana’s hair against my inner thigh as her tongue swirled my clit. I could feel the singular weight of Chakotay’s body as he covered mine while his thick penis pushed to my core.

I spent a lot of my free time with Barrows reliving the rigors of training. I was hoping that it would center me again. That was only partially successful. But I was feeling less and less uncertain over time.

We were approaching the one month mark of the Estrangement. Paris reported for duty slightly early. I was still in my Ready Room when he asked to see me.

"Good morning, Captain," Tom said. "I need to speak with you."

I indicated a chair and sat up intently.

"Ma’am, Captain, you know my history... my reputation," he said. "Yet, you sought me out. You have given me great responsibility without a second thought. You trust my judgement."

"Tom." I said.

He shook his head. His sad eyes pleaded with me to let him continue. "Do you know what it means to me for someone like you to trust me? You made me feel good about my work, myself. And then, you included me in your most intimate circle. You gave yourself to me." He fell silent looking for words.

"I didn’t realize, until I saw you with Chakotay the other night playing cards, why I pushed for you to give me a commitment," he said. "I saw you with him a day or two before I made my confession to Harry. I realized that I could lose you to him. Somehow, I thought that if you were with him, I would lose that unconditional support I’ve never had."

"So, you are saying that I was right," I said.

"Well, not thinking about the next time I get to... have you has helped me think more clearly," he admitted with a blush. "I’ve made such an unnecessary mess."

"No, Tom, not unnecessary," I said. "This incident helped us all take stock and prioritize."

"I sort of agree, Captain," Tom said. "I also know what we miss. What we all miss, I believe. I think we should resume the circle."

"It’s not that simple, Tom," I said. My heart lurched painfully.

"It could be simpler than you imagine, Captain," he said. "You are powerful in your effect on us. We are willing to accept your terms. Chakotay would have never forced the issue if I hadn’t been such an idiot."

I looked into his eyes. They were clear and true and steady. The smirk was absent. He was sincere.

"Ask him, Captain," he said softly. "Ask him. Let us come back."

"I’ll let you know, Tom. I can make no promises."

He left me to a difficult day and a very difficult decision.
 
 

I sent the Commander an invitation to join me that very night in the Holodeck. I fought for the entire afternoon to find a way to approach him that he could not overpower my resolve. In the end, I decided that I was not strong enough to handle him alone.

When he entered the room, I was at the feet of my Mistress. He was very surprised.

"You are quite the specimen, as Kathryn described," She said. "Please, seat yourself."

A chair appeared for him. He sat.

"Kathryn is one of my greatest triumphs. Should you be allowed to read my history, you will know that this statement is not made lightly," she said.

"I sense that, Mistress..."

"Barrows, my dear delectable boy," she nearly purred.

"Why have you both honored me this night?" he asked.

"Because, my most serene protege is turned into protoplasm around you, dear," Barrows replied. "I have never seen her rendered so speechless by anyone."

Chakotay gave me a warm wicked look that made my heart flutter and my crotch very damp.

"Turn it off, beautiful," Barrows said.

He stifled a smile. "What is it that Kathryn is trying to tell me?"

"It seems that the loose cannon in her circle has come back in line," she replied. "She wants her slaves back, but is afraid of losing you in the bargain. Simple enough?"

I glowered at her. Barrows shrugged. "He seems to be a man who appreciates simplicity."

"I do," he replied. He looked at me with great intensity. "There is nothing you could do to drive me away, Kathryn. I don’t have the will to stay away from you when you are willing. However, I cannot stand any more interference with my time with you."

"I understand," I replied quietly. "I will not allow it again. We will proceed slowly. There will be no more lapses."

"If the Mistress would excuse us," Chakotay said quietly. "It has been some time since I have been alone with her. I want her to come with me now."

"That’s very evident," Barrows said merrily.

He smiled at her.

"Why leave?" She said. "Kathryn, allow me to depart discreetly, then summon your favorite chamber."

"Yes, Mistress," I replied. "Thank you."

I let the Mistress go, then summoned my chamber.

He walked over to me. His eyes never left me. His presence overwhelmed me.

"I hope you have extra clothes," he murmured.

I gasped as my dress was ripped from neck to hem. He ripped my hair free of its twist. One hand got a handful of my hair the other arm hauled me against him. He kissed my forehead, my eyelids, then nipped my nose.

"You have been driving me insane," he whispered in my ear. Then he bit the sensitive skin at the curve of my neck and gently sucked at it.

I moaned something and fell against him. He was so hard that I couldn’t stand to wait. I looped a leg up around his waist and tried to mount him. Chakotay chuckled in my ear.

"Impatient, Mistress," he said. "My hand has a permanent cramp for thinking of you."

I smiled as I was lowered onto the deep, plush carpet beside the fireplace. He thrust in me immediately. The first plunge was a little uncomfortable. The next one made me ready. The fifth one was sending me over. Chakotay was no iron man. He came shortly after I did with a great growl in my ear.

He crushed me with his big body. I missed the weight and the feel of him. I stroked his back.

"Thank you," I whispered. "Thank you for your unwavering support. I would have never survived this without it."

"I could do no less," he said. "I am yours, Kathryn. Nothing and no one will change that."

I knew that. I held him quietly. My body was growing hungry.

"There is one thing I ask for you," he said a moment later.

My hear sunk. What condition could he want? "Ask," I said.

"I have to read your Mistress’ logs," he smiled. "But not now. Everything and everyone can wait for now."

He began to kiss me again. I looked forward to the reunions, but right now, all I wanted was what was in my arms.

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13: Tender Torments