Jim flitted in and out of consciousness without a seemingly pattern. Loud noises traded off with blessed darkness and whenever he did regain awareness it didn’t last long enough to say or do something “ it was just enough to realize he was awake and wish he wasn’t “ before blacking out again. He did know one thing though. There was something wrong.
Darkness.
Sound. Lights. Pain. Something heavy surrounding him “ covering him.
“… not responding… not there… do if I can’t find him? Jim? Jim, can you hear me?”
Bones His mind whispered and he tried to groan.
Darkness descended once more.
An eternity later.
“Step aside doctor. We need to get both Ambassadors Warf and Kirk out of the debris as safely as possible.”
The gruff voice indicated that it was a Klingon. He forced his eyes open and a glimpse of bright light made his eyes water. There were still weapons being discharged. He shifted slightly and the metal shrieked around him as the sound of lasers hit this metal hull shaped around him. His eyes drifted close without him even knowing it. Everything turned dark again.
Another burst of sound while he was lifted “ bodily lifted from where he had been laying. Mobile and able hands touched his face and body and Jim felt so very tired.
“Jim, oh my god, Jim. Just… just keep breathing you bastard. Keep breathing!”
Bones. He was glad that Bones wasn’t hurt. All Jim knew was that he himself was hurt and normally Bones would be too “ normally they were always close together. Where had he been? On another deck with Sarek and Chekov and Kovu maybe. Where they alright? He didn’t know. Jim blinked slowly “ feeling something warm sliding from his face and from his fingertips.
“Put him down! I need to stabilize him!”
“The rebels could still fire on this area. We need to bring him and the rest of the wounded to the nearest cave of the Havasupai settlement.”
“Please, just let me try and stop the bleeding first…”
Jim felt himself sliding towards that darkness again. He felt strange, like he was supposed to be more than he was now. He tried looking inside himself but didn’t find it. He knew only one thing before everything turned blissfully dark. Something that worried him, though he didn’t really know why.
He felt empty.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
There was a lot of pain whenever he came close to waking up “ so he tried to stay away from it. There were a lot of sounds and people screaming at one and other. And there was still something missing. He tried looking inside his mind, but perhaps he hadn’t looked good enough. Maybe he just needed to dig further and then he would find it. He didn’t really know what he wanted to find “ but he knew it was important.
“He’s retreating inside his mind in search for the infant’s mind.”
Sarek. His mind whispered, while tugging him deeper and deeper. A small part of him could still acknowledge that Sarek’s voice equalled an alive Vulcan. Jim supposed that was good. Though his mind and thought process felt far too sluggish.
“You are the only one who has a strong enough bond with him to keep him with us, Leonard. I can meld all our minds, but it will fall to you to remind him of who he is “ to try and keep him sane and with us.”
Jim felt himself falling deeper in the ever-growing darkness. He needed to find something. Maybe he just had to go deeper. Just go deeper.
“Fine, just… just do it.” Bones sounded so far away “ so sad. And then, the darkness exploded into colour.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
“Jim, just think about who you are. Everything that has made you into who you are now. Can you do that for me Jim? Show me, please? It’s important. I don’t want to do this without you.”
Bones never said please “ not really.
Everything that has made you into who you are now.
Show me, please?
It’s important.
Important. Important. Important. Important.
Please…
Jim stopped from himself from digging deeper into his own mind “ pausing for a moment. It was harder than he had expected. He needed to find something, but Bones was important too. He still remembered that much. All the rest seemed a bit blurred at the edges though. It was strange and mentally off-putting. All he really wanted was to go back to his search, but he owed it to Bones.
Everything that has made you into who you are now.
Bones never really asked for anything “ not really. He would do it for him. So Jim mentally turned and reached for the memories that made him James Tiberius Kirk “ all of them.
And the world exploded once more. Memories drowning him “ some coming though more clearly than others “ but all were present in an ever spiralling confusion. This was him. This was what had shaped him “ broke him and remade him.
This was what it meant to be James Tiberius Kirk.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
He is three and his aunt and uncle keep saying the same thing over and over again. Something that he would be told for the rest of his life. Something that he had learned to despise and cherish in the same amount.
“He’s the spitting image of George, isn’t he Pam?”
“You look just like your father, Jim.”
“Just like your father.”
“Like your father.”
“Father.”
“Father.”
“Father.”
He’s heard it all before.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
His stepfather and mother are standing inside a church. He’s wearing uncomfortable clothing and there are heavy rings in his breast pocket. He doesn’t like Andy or the way he looks at him. Andy grips his shoulder too tight when he says “I do” to his mother “ though Winona merely smiles brilliantly “ first at Jim then at Andy. Jim doesn’t smile at all. His mother doesn’t notice.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
He’s afraid at night “ not of the dark but of the monsters he knows are real. When his bedroom door opens, Jim feels sick but knows that even vomiting won’t give him any reprieve. His mother is on a six-month mission and won’t be back for another six weeks at the very least. The smell of gin-tonic makes his stomach turn though. It always will.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are bruises on his arms. He has a split lip and two black eyes. When his mother comes home from another mission “ always another mission “ she doesn’t even ask anymore. Andy always tells her the same thing.
Clumsy boy.
Ran into a door
Got into a fight he couldn’t win.
At least the last one wasn’t a total lie, Jim thinks as he watches Andy’s scraped knuckles. He’s learned better than to look at his mother.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
His mother is gone. Gone. Always gone. Another mission “ another life. He wonders if she even remembers that she has a son “ that she’s left her son with the prick that hits her when she’s planetside long enough for him to buy a case of gin. He wonders if she even cares anymore. He wonders if she knows about the rest of it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There’s a harsh hand gripping his hair and his mouth is filled. He can’t think. He’s choking and nobody cares “ except for being entertained. He’s ages five to fifteen and he feels dead inside. There is a low murmur and the sound of cards and poker chips being placed on the table. Once the hand holding him in place “ choking him “ yanks his head back forcibly, warm wetness bursts over his face and hair. It’s not long before another pair of hands tug him into a new direction. Another zipper being lower.
He can hear Andy and his friends arguing about whose been cheating and who earned the pot. If Andy loses, than Jim goes home with the winner. Or the winner spends the night. Andy has already raised the stakes with Jim’s night in the last call. Andy isn’t that much of a poker player though “ no matter how often his friends come over and play.
If Jim has to see another poker chip in his life again “ it will be too soon.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There is always a teacher who knows “ who sees. There are a lot who see Jim’s intelligence “ his tests being off the charts “ and some dig deeper when they figure out that Jim doesn’t really want to do anything with it. And some of them figure it out.
Andy has got a lot of clout with the government though. Andy’s brother is one of the main candidates for the next election for governor of Iowa. There isn’t much that nepotism won’t fix “ and if that won’t do the trick “ there are always deportations and other means to an end.
It doesn’t surprise him that another teacher takes a bribe. He’s lived it for most of his life. It does surprise him to see Mr Williams at Andy’s next poker game. Maybe it shouldn’t have. He’s seen the way the man looks at him. He’s gotten very good at interpreting those kind of looks.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Thirteen and he tries it on his own “ riding cock and being good at it “ loving the way he’s split open for once “ even if he’s being treated like a two dollar whore “ being pulled on that long cock. It makes him feel powerful when it otherwise makes him feel small.
When the man stands and lays him on his back on the pool table and pulls out “ come leaks unto the velvet. He can see at least two men in their cubicle, rubbing themselves through their slacks. He hooks his hands behind his knees and pulls them up to his chest “ looking at one of them.
“Clever little whore aren’t you.”
The man unzips and Jim smiles as he thrusts in “ skidding slightly on the table. The other man grabs one of his legs and bends it even more backwards “ making room for his friend to thrust more deeply.
“Harder.” Jim gasps. The two men chuckle and laugh, and the one not buried inside him slaps his ass. Jim moans which makes the men laugh again.
Two more men come in and after taking in the sight, they close the door behind them. Jim looks at them and takes in the bulges in their trousers. He’s going to have some fun with this for once and wets his lips.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
He doesn’t really know why he does it. He just likes to see his teachers’ faces when he aced all of his national tests. Maybe it was the fact that there might be an official investigation if there were too obvious irregularities. Jim has always been that “ an irregularity. He takes pride in it.
Jim smirks as he watches his mother, who has been recalled, as well as Andy listen to someone in a suit tell them that Jim really is a veritable little genius and needs to be cherished and protected and nourished.
He knows it won’t last.
There have always been outstanding aptitude tests. They never helped his case any either. His mother will stay planetside for a month maybe two “ before the space fever gets her again “ before Andy hits her again “ and then Jim will be alone with monsters in the dark.
Again.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The fucker bought it with his poker winnings, so in reality it belongs to Jim. He drives the old-timer as fast as it can go “ straight for the cliff. He’s not really sure if he wants to go over with it or not. It would serve Andy right though.
It’s only at the last veritable second that Jim decides. He jumps out and struggles for all he’s worth “ struggling to not fall to his death “ to stay alive.
He didn’t know he could still feel like that. He doesn’t know if he has ever felt like that before. As the policeman stops and asks who he is. Jim answers with pride and determination “ stretching his raw and bloody fingers.
He wonders if this is the most alive anyone can feel. He wonders how he can find out.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
After that it’s bar brawl after sexual encounter after stupid no-win scenario’s in quick succession. He hits Andy unconscious when he comes to his room on his fifteenth birthday. The fucker doesn’t try it again, though he’s still very generous with his fists. Jim leaves their so-called home at sixteen and makes it work for him “ no matter what that implies. He’s gotten good at surviving. Maybe he was always meant to live life like this. Maybe.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“We’re going to try again.” His mother says determinedly. She’s holding hands with a much more sober looking Andy “ one who doesn’t exactly look at Jim. He doesn’t look away either though. He’s back in the house he despises and can’t wait to leave again. He’s also eighteen and he’s being told the most ludicrous thing he’s ever heard.
“I’ve gotten a permanent job offer from the Fleet on one of the outer colonies. I’d have to move there.” She speaks cautiously but Jim can hear the wonder and excitement in her voice. He knows that the decision has already been made. He wonders how long her happiness will last once she realizes that she’s going to be planetside all the time. He wonders if she has even considered that part yet, let alone the fact that she’s going to try and make a life with the bastard that destroyed Jim’s. Where was she the last few years? She didn’t seem to care then.
“There will always be room for you of course.” She says, sounding hopeful.
Jim looks at their joined hands and feels sick.
“I’m happy where I am.” He grits out and slams his drink back before leaving “ before climbing unto his bike. He needs a bar and he needs it fast. He knows the cadets will be out tonight.
Maybe a hook-up or a bar brawl will do the trick “ maybe both.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Jim wonders about Pike and his expectations. It’s been a long while since anyone expected something worthwhile from him.
“I dare you to do better.”
Maybe he can. Maybe he will. Maybe.
Jim has got a decision to make. He doesn’t have to stay planetside if he doesn’t want to. He could dream for once and see them be fulfilled. The possibilities are endless and while they are exciting “ they scare the crap out of Jim as well. He looks at the star ship being built for a long time and he wonders.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A blue eyed gaze and epic words.
“I might throw up on you.”
Jim doesn’t know why, but he loves this man already. It isn’t something he’s used to “ feeling comfortable with someone so fast or at all really “ especially when it’s a man for reasons he doesn’t really want to dwell upon. He knows his issues.
But he does feel comfortable with him. And Jim smiles, feeling a bit hopeful. Maybe he did make the right decision. He’s got something to prove at the very least. He didn’t leave his bike behind for nothing.
I’ll do it in three years, I know I will. Nothing or no one is going to stop me.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Despite the rush off other memories “ this one lingers the most.
Blue eyes. Epic words. Best friends.
Bones.
And then everything turned dark once more.
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