The MultiFandom MPREG Archive

His head was killing him. The first coherent thought he had was to wish for death. Jack knew instinctively the last time he had been this drunk was when Abby had told him they were over. That had not been a particularly good time in his life.

Now was proving no exception.

Rolling on to his back, he stretched out over his bed. He was halfway spread when his left arm encountered something warm. Jack jerked his limb back quickly.

There shouldn't have been someone else in his bed. He had gotten drunk last night, but not that shit faced. Opening one eye, he cautiously peered over at the body in his bed.

A pair of blue eyes stared back at him.

Closing his own, Jack groaned softly. "Please tell me we didn't do that again."

The sluggish grin that spread over Zane's face was marred by his yawn. When he finished, he sighed. "Not unless you snuck in to my lab back at GD."

Jack frowned. Something about that set a few of his neurons to firing. "What?"

"Never mind." Zane stretched out with a loud groan. He draped an arm over Jack's chest to end it. "You said I didn't have to sleep on the couch last night because it was bad for my back."

Removing the offending appendage with a frown, Jack sat up in his bed. "Yeah, well, today is a new day. So get out." Much to his relief, he had remembered to get in his pajamas for a change.

The other man was clothed too, even if it was just a shirt and boxers. Sitting up, he scratched at the top of his head. "Who gets the shower first, you or me?"

Pushing the blankets aside, Jack found himself remarkably calm for having woken next to probably his biggest nemesis. "Me and I swear to god, if you even hint at suggesting we share, I will have SARAH flush you down the toilet."

"I cannot do that, Sheriff, even if you order me to." The house sounded slightly reproving.

"It's just a figure of speech." Looking up, Jack waved with a grimace. On the inside he was wondering how long before he killed both of them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stomping down the steps dressed in a pair of sweats and blue robe, Jack left his hair sticking up in all directions. It was still damp but he didn't care. Halfway through the shower the hot water had run out. The only explanation had been that it was being used by someone else.

Only one person he knew of lived with him that made it their life's mission to make his life miserable. Fists clenched, Jack headed towards the source. He rounded the corner in to the kitchen with the noise of his wet feet plodding over the floor.

At the stove, Zane held a spatula between his fingers. He twirled it lazily as he stared down at the frying dough on the surface. Reaching up with his other hand, he pushed a greasy lock from his face.

The sight of the other man's bed hair froze Jack in his tracks.

"It will be ready in a few minutes. If you could set up the table, I'll get us some coffee." After a final spin, Zane quickly slapped the spatula down to the stove top. The soft, brown cakes were quickly snapped up and put on a plate. "SARAH, stove off."

He started to turn with the plate in hand until he caught sight of Jack out of the corner of his eye. "Whoa, you're not Zoey." Zane dropped his eyes to Jack's torso visible through the robe. "You're not wearing a shirt either." The smirk said everything about how glad he was about that.

Suddenly self conscious, Jack grabbed the edges of his robe and forced them closed. "What the hell did you do with the hot water?"

"Nothing." Snorting, Zane completed his turn. He headed for the table, giving the sheriff a once over as he passed.

"Stop that!" Jack knotted his robe belt to free up his hands just in case. "I was halfway through my shower when it suddenly cut out. There is a huge hot water tank, now I know that means someone had to do something with it. That means you."

"Actually, there is one other person in this household." SARAH's voice filtered from the ceiling above them. "Zoey is currently enjoying a large bath. I must apologize, but she has used more hot water than my tanks could make for both of you."

"What is she filling up, a swimming pool?" Mood completely soured, Jack felt his anger slowly evaporate. A snicker behind him drew his attention to the fact he wasn't alone. He was wrong about whom, but rather than dwell upon that, his mind latched on to another problem. "Why were you planning on giving Zoey coffee?"

"Relax, it's fine." Setting the plate down on the table, Zane rolled his eyes. "All your house has is decaf. I think that's safe for her, god knows it does nothing for me."

This made Jack frown. "That's not right. There is plenty of regular. I just had it restocked a couple days ago."

Zane snorted in disbelief. "All I can get from your fridge is crap that's a little stronger than water."

"That just means my 'smart' house doesn't like you." It was childish and Jack wanted to stick his tongue out. All he could do to save face was smile though.

"That is not true, I find Zane quite pleasant to be around." Of course it was SARAH contradicting him.

Jack felt the smile leave his face. Looking up at the ceiling, he frowned at it. "Don't even."

Walking passed the man, Zane nudged him with his elbow. "What's the matter, Jack? Afraid I'm growing on you?"

Slowly dropping his eyes to Zane's back, Jack let the full extent of his annoyance show. "Don't even start. You are not growing, on me or anyone else."

"Technically, that is not true. Zane has increased in mass by point zero, zero five percent in the past twenty hours."

"Ha!" Snapping his fingers, Jack pointed at Zane. The smile quickly returned to his face. "You are getting fatter."

This made Zane shake his head. "SARAH, how much has Jack increased in mass during the same time?"

"Sheriff Carter has recently decreased in mass, however, my projections indicate that will likely be balanced out by consuming breakfast." The house was extremely pleased with this.

It took only a moment for Jack to understand this. When he did he grimaced. "Oh, real funny. Poop humor, SARAH?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

By the time Zoe made her appearance at the bottom of the stairs, Jack was ready to try gnawing on the furniture. He watched her make her way over to the table with them. Swallowing the mouthful of bacon and pancake, he sighed. "About time you showed up."

Zoey pushed the single lock of braided hair behind her ear. "Good morning to you too." Eyes wide in sarcastic alarm, she trailed them over the table full of food. "Someone's been busy this morning."

"Speaking of which, I made fresh juice this morning." Rising up from the table, Zane dropped his napkin in the chair he had vacated. "Be right back." His path brought him behind Zoe. He placed a hand on her shoulder in passing. "You are looking pretty this morning."

A tiny smile formed on her lips as she nodded. "Thanks, at least one person will notice. No one else will ever again."

Jack swallowed the piece of bacon in his mouth quickly in anger. "Hey, I noticed." He had to cough a second later as bits of it went down the wrong path. "You look very beautiful."

"You've got to say that, but thanks." Dropping in her chair, Zoey grabbed for the bacon first.

This caused Jack to frown. "I thought you were watching what you ate."

"Not like it matters any more." Breaking off a small piece, she quickly placed it in her mouth. The moment her lips sealed around it she moaned with pleasure. "Man, SARAH, this is so good."

"I have done none of the cooking this morning. It was all Zane."

"Really?" Zoey glanced over her shoulder in to the kitchen. Seeing Zane frowning at the fridge, she shook her head.

Jack leaned in so he could whisper to her. "Tell me about it." He grabbed her hand to get her attention. "Don't ever leave me alone with that man again."

Whipping her head around, she stared at her father in surprise. The strangled expression on his face made her alarmed. "Why? What did you do?"

"He is driving me crazy!" A second later, her words registered. "Hey! Why do you automatically assume I did something wrong?"

She scoffed. Staring at him with slightly parted eyes, she merely shook her head.

He couldn't believe it. His own daughter. Jack released her hand and sat back as he caught movement out of the corner of his eye. The crazy had returned and brought with him orange juice.

Zane set the flower covered decanter on the table with a sigh. "Remind me to kill Fargo before I leave Eureka. That fridge threw out my peach-kiwi fruit juice and substituted it with Orange." With a glare at the offending pitcher, he dropped himself back in his seat.

"Orange Juice is high in folic acid. A key ingredient in the body's developing immune system."

Glaring up at the ceiling, Zane paused with the fork halfway to his mouth. "No body asked you!"

While Zoey snickered, Jack felt a little green around his gills. The mention of folic acid reminded him of Allison. She was definitely going to kill him over this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking up at the skylight, Jack watched the clouds flowing overhead. Ordinarily there should have been tree limbs visible around the edges. Not any more thanks to the sonic cleaning. It was a bleak landscape beyond his house.

"Wonderful." Sighing, he dropped his gaze back to the screen in front of him. Spread out over the couch he was as comfortable as he could get. Still, boredom pretty much negated any feeling of relaxation.

"What's that?" Voice muffled by a steel plated door, the only part of Zane visible from the bottom of the fridge was his lower half.

Instead of answering, Jack leaned forward to pick up his glass of soda. He wasn't sure what the brand was, his taste buds had long since become numb to the sugar. If this had been Zoey, he would have railed at her. Good thing he wasn't his daughter.

The snap of a rubber glove hailed the pull out of Zane from the fridge. He used the back of his hand to wipe the perspiration from his brow. "I can't find anything wrong with it."

"Told you so." There was no venom or emotional investment in the words. It was said more out of something to do. Jack hadn't even pulled his attention from the tv screen. Not that he was paying attention. The game on was more there for the noise than anything else.

He was yawning when the sound volume suddenly lowered. Closing his mouth, Jack focused on the screen.

"Sheriff, there is a call coming in from Henry. Should I put him through?"

Jack considered telling the house no. He wasn't really in the mood to talk with the jerk, but then again, he was in need of something to do. "Go ahead."

The speakers chirped as the game clicked off. A second later Henry's face appeared on the wall. He smiled at Jack a little hesitantly. "Hey. How are you holding up?"

"Get to the point." Putting the glass to his lips, Jack too a lazy sip.

This made Henry sigh. Looking down for a second, he sucked in a quick breath. "We did a complete review of the emergency protocols. A message was sent out to you."

"Great. Come to make it official?" Sucking in another swallow, Jack finished off the glass. It was quickly followed by a gas bubble back up. Belching, Jack opened his mouth to make it echo louder.

A sigh of disgust came from the kitchen. "Oh, that was lovely." Snapping the panel back together, Zane closed up the fridge.

"Wasn't it, though?" Jack scratched himself through the front of his sweat bottoms. He looked up to find Henry staring at him. "Oh, you're still...there?"

"There is more, Jack." The skin around Henry's eyes quickly wrinkled as he frowned. "The message went to your GD pager."

"I don't have one of those." Thumping his chest, Jack burped again. "I don't think I ever did."

"We know that...now." Looking a little chagrined, Henry tried for a tight smile. It came off more of a grimace. "Combine that with everyone assuming someone else had gotten in touch with you and you got left behind."

Jack. Just. Stared. His jaw half dropped. "Are you telling me that no one really bothered to even try?"

"Uh..." Reaching up, Henry scrubbed at the back of his head. "It appears that way."

Looking away, Jack clenched his jaw. He wanted to scream at the scientist. There were so many things he wanted to say, so many things that deserved to be said. In the end, all he did was sigh. "So, I still have my job?"

"If you still want it." The hopeful lilt at the end gave away Henry's feelings on the matter.

"I'll have to get back to you on that." Jack enjoyed the way Henry froze at those words. "Forget about it. Yes, I still want the job."

Relieved, Henry smiled brilliantly. "Good..."

"Not so fast." Jack held up a finger. "I'll take it on one condition. Get Zane back his job and apartment. If I have to spend another day with him haunting my house like an evil spirit, I'm going to have to kill someone."

Already Henry was shaking his head. "I'm sorry, Jack, but I can't do that."

Scowling, Jack cocked his head to the side. "Don't give me that crap, Henry! I know you've got pull with the Pentagon and with Allison. Just tell her what happened and I'm sure she..."

"She signed off on the orders herself, Jack," Henry interrupted. His eyes tracked past Jack in to the kitchen. "There are certain rules that even we won't tolerate being broken."

"Oh, come on! It was just a little harmless sex, albeit, in the Director's Office, but come on." Jack finished with a half whisper. Skin pinking, he had to look away. Unfortunately, his eyes found Zane's shadow. The man was coming their way. He immediately turned back to Henry. "If you can forgive me, you can forgive Zane."

"Is that what he told you why he was fired?" Henry looked from Jack to the newly arrived Zane.

"Ye...well, no, not exactly." Sitting up, Jack refused to acknowledge Zane's presence. He forced himself to keep looking at the wall screen. "We never really discussed it, I just assumed is all. Why? What did he do?"

A nervous chuckle came from Jack's right near the fire place.

"He was experimenting with the sexual spores." Henry's voice took on a hard edge. Narrowing his eyes, he glared at the younger man. "Besides being a biohazard that was off limits, the nature of his experiments lead us to the conclusion he intended to test the results."

Jack's eyes shot open. Turning his head slowly, he finally looked at the young scientist. He immediately noted the dark red tinge to the man's skin and felt his anger start to bubble up. "Excuse me, you did what now?"

"I, uh..." A half smile on his face, Zane chuckle nervously. He dragged his feet as he twisted his body to face Jack. "I was trying to come up with a practical application for them. It was a diluted solution, something to enhance the sexual appeal, but not on a dangerous scale. I wanted to make a body spray that actually worked, temporarily making the user attractive."

That set Henry off. "It doesn't matter what your intentions were! Anything that deliberately lowers the inhibitions and control of another even slightly is strictly forbidden under our guidelines!" His shouts echoed throughout the house. "You knew that and still flaunted your disregard. You're damn lucky they haven't locked you up for this!"

Rising up from the couch, Jack clenched his fists in the pockets of his robe. "Is that what happened in the office?" He deliberately kept his voice even.

Glancing up, Zane bit his lip. After a hesitant second, he nodded.

Jack felt his spine go rigid. "Good bye, Henry."

Alarm covered Henry's face on the screen. "Now, Jack..."

"SARAH, hang up." The wall went back to being a wall the moment the words were out of his mouth. He took a slow and deliberate step towards the scientist. "Zane."

Swallowing, Zane took a step back. "Yeah?"

"Run."

~~~~~~~~~~~

Tying the sash on his robe, Jack walked off the bottom step. That done, he stretched his arms over his head. He moaned with pained pleasure from the action. The sore muscles in his back, sides, and thighs protested a little from the move. It was a good pain, though.

Walking in to his living room, he looked around. Evening had fallen in the hours since he had last been in the room. A quick glance up to the skylight revealed that the stars were coming out. "SARAH, ambient lights, please."

The lower level of the house suddenly became visible.

Feeling better, Jack checked his watch. It was nearing eight, thirty, which meant Zoey would be home soon. If she still had friends, she would be til nine at Cafe Diem. As if sensing his thoughts, his stomach growled. With a fond pat of it, Jack headed for the kitchen.

Walking in to the kitchen revealed that Zane hadn't quite gotten around to finish putting the fridge back together. Oh well, when he got up, he would do it then. If he had the strength to do it, that was.

Jack smiled. "SARAH, I feel like something light. Do we have any Deli?" He found himself humming a song he couldn't remember the words to as he headed for the cabinets.

"We do indeed, Jack." She sounded much more pleased than earlier.

He couldn't fault her on that one. He was himself in a much better mood. Whistling now, he grabbed a loaf of bread from the counter and began to open the bag. "Is your beer despenser working?"

"It never stopped being functional."

That made Jack smirk. Once he got the bread open, he set aside the twist tie. "You know, I don't know what Fargo programmed in to you, but I find this little bit of teasing between you and Zane funny."

"It is not something Fargo 'programmed' in to me." The house sounded a little miffed at the idea. "I am only following those guidelines which are best to ensure the health of my inhabitants."

Half lost in his own thoughts, Jack snorted. "Oh yeah, what's so special about Zane that he can't have any beer?"

"It would irreparably damage the newly formed and growing life within him."

That made Jack snicker. He started to shake his head as he reached in to the bag for bread. His fingers paused once they found the soft food. "SARAH, what exactly does that mean?"

"Zane is pregnant." It was stated so plainly that it seemed to be of no consequence.

The smile froze on Jack's face, a parody of what it once was. "Wha...what?"

"Congratulations, Sheriff, my scans indicate it will be a boy!"

"Oh, crap." The last thing Jack saw was the ceiling rushing away from him as he fell backwards unconscious.


THE END......................

_________________
Epilogue - Great Googly Moogly!


Hands on the buttons of his pants, Zane tried desperately to redo them quickly. The dress slacks refused to cooperate and he had to take it slowly. Finally, the last button was slipped in to the hole over his protruding stomach. He refused to look down at the horror that his body had become.

Seeing this made Jack smile.

That reaction made Zane send a death glare his way. "The moment this little monster is out of me, I am going to kill you, Fargo, then those ignorant jackasses from Area Fifty-One. In that order." Without meaning to, he looked down. The sad lack of his low rise pants mixed with the fact he could no longer see his feet made him want to scream. "I am disgusting."

"Really?" Jack stood up from the table, his tie swung loose from his suit jacket. "I think you have never looked better."

"Keep it up, Jack, and I will find a place to bury your body." Before he could come up with another way to threaten the man, a throat cleared behind him. Of course, his body had to turn slowly or risk losing his balance. He found Zoey standing at the door waiting for them.

Her graduation robe shimmering in the dim light, she smirked at them The little boy on her hip tried to reach the tassel hanging from her hovering cap. "If you guys don't hurry up, we're going to be late."

"Oh, I don't think so." Jack started towards her, his hands out to take the boy. "Henry wouldn't start the graduation ceremony without the class' valedictorian."

Handing off her brother, Zoe sighed. "Say it again, I'm not quite sure this is even real."

"It's real." Zane was feeling pissy, but just barely managed to keep it from his voice. "Come on, I want to get there and this over with before I have to go piss again. It's bad enough I have to be seen like this in public. If I have to suffer the humiliation of undoing these pants in a public restroom, I will become homicidal."

Zoey smirked. "Dad's been rubbing off on you."

Hand to his stomach, Zane smiled for real. "How could you tell?"

This made the young woman wince. "Oh, gross, that is an image I did not need!" Turning, she headed back out the door for the stairs.

Snickering, Jack followed along after her. He waited with the boy in his arms at the bottom of the steps for Zane. "Mind the house for us, SARAH!"

"Consider it done!" The cheerful voice echoed in the stairwell and house.

Hearing the inflections of his nemesis' voice made Zane roll his eyes. He stepped through the doorway with a groan. "Door, SARAH." As the door closed behind him, he felt a fluttering in his gut that had nothing to do with being nervous.



............................THE END.