Xander stared at Willow blankly for a few moments. Then he shook his head, knocked his palm against his right ear a few times, and said, "This is insane, but I swear, I thought I just heard you say I was pregnant."
"What Willow said is the truth, Xander. You seem to have . . . conceived." Giles rubbed at his forehead with his hand.
"Conceived?" Xander repeated, his voice breaking. He drew in a sharp breath, and abruptly erupted into a coughing fit. After nearly a full minute had passed, Willow gestured at Giles frantically until he went to get Xander a glass of water.
Xander took a few sips from the proffered glass and nodded at them to signal he was okay. But when Giles cleared his throat and began "Now, about your pregnancy," Xander choked and let the glass slip from his hand. The shattering sound as it broke against the floor made them all jump.
Xander laughed a little. "Giles. Willow. I know that things have been dull around here lately, but you two, not so good with the practical jokes, okay? I'll be alright, seriously. Sure, I'm worried about whatever this is, but you don't have to try to cook up something wacky like this to distract me."
Giles frowned and Xander shrugged, frustration evident in his voice. "I mean, if you don't know what's wrong with me, just say so."
"The fact of it is, Xander, we most assuredly *do* know what's --"
Willow interrupted Giles hastily. "Xander, I know it sounds hard to believe, but you really are pregnant. And the sooner you can bring yourself to face up to it--"
"Listen," Xander said firmly. "I'm not . . . I *can't* be . . . you both remember that I'm a guy, right?"
"Xander --"
"No!" Xander said loudly. "You're acting like crazy people. You think it sounds hard to believe? Try impossible."
"What's going on?" Spike asked as he rushed into the room. "You lot find out what's ailing him yet?"
Oz followed inside at a more leisurely pace and raised his eyebrows as Spike sat on the couch at Xander's side and touched his hand to Xander's cheek.
"Spike, quit it," Xander grumbled, but when he was pulled in that direction he gave a little sigh and leaned against Spike nonetheless, making a petulant sound once he was settled. Spike shifted to rearrange Xander into a more comfortable position, and glared at everyone else in the room.
"Well then," Willow said brightly, and motioned Giles and Oz into the kitchen.
Oz leaned against the counter and gave a sidelong glance at the couple on the couch before speaking. "Listen, I don't know what's up with Xander, but I think you should check out Spike next. He's acted kind of crazy all night. He seems a little . . . over-invested in Xander right about now. Any clue why?"
"Well, we have learned some things . . . but first, did you get a chance to speak with Angel?" Giles asked quietly.
"No, not with the negotiations still going strong." Oz shook his head thoughtfully. "Though . . . and this was really weird . . . at one point Angel came out of the room, stopped dead in his tracks, and growled at Spike."
"He did?" Willow asked nervously. "How come?"
"Not sure," Oz answered. "But they sort of muttered at each other, and Spike growled back, only louder and longer. And then Angel --"
"I imagine Angel can . . . scent that Spike and Xander have been intimate with one another," Giles said in a hushed tone.
"Spike and Xander?" Oz asked. "Huh. That's new."
"Oh, I keep forgetting that not everyone was here for every part of this," Willow fretted. "Yeah, when you were at Angel's Xander and I had a long talk, and he told me about it. I think he only came clean just then because he was worried that Spike had *done* something to him."
One side of Oz's mouth quirked upward. "You mean besides the obvious?"
"The thing is, he *did* to something to Xander," Willow continued in a whisper. "I mean, I guess it was both of them, or maybe someone else did it . . . and we're still not sure how they managed to trigger the spell, or who even planted the spell in the first place, but now Xander is pregnant and --"
"Xander is *what*?" Spike exclaimed loudly from the living room area.
* * *
Buffy screwed her lips up in concentration and swung her legs from her perch on Giles' kitchen counter. Everyone except Angel had been there discussing the Xander issue for a while already, but she wasn't the only one still having a problem wrapping her head around the recent developments.
"Okay," she tried again. "So somehow Spike figured out a way to make you have sex with him. And then once he got you into bed, he got you pregnant -- or something!" she added hastily before Xander could object again to the bandying about of the word "pregnant."
"Way you say it, 's like I'm the only one responsible from start to finish. *He* was there too, joining in all of the fun," Spike said, looking affronted. He was sitting on the arm of the chair Xander had slumped in, and as he spoke he unthinkingly stroked Xander's arm. When Xander turned to glare at him, he scowled and removed his hand, regarding his chipped black fingernails with pretended interest.
"Just leave the Spike part out of it for a second," Xander said irritably as he faced the rest of them again. "The point is not so much with the sex or the getting as it is with the *pregnant*. That's not what's going on, is it? I mean, how?!? There's no way! No way!" He turned in his chair and looked desperately around the room for some support.
Willow smiled uneasily at him. "You know, normally I'd be right there backing you up on the 'how' and the 'no way' -- what with Spike being a vampire and not so much with the reproductive capabilities, and you both being guys, but we took samples, Xander! Hair samples! And these demonic pregnancy tests are 97.999% accurate." She waved the box at him.
"I'm still getting over the fact that there's a demonic pregnancy test that comes in a box," Oz remarked.
"Yes, well," Giles muttered.
Xander desperately latched on to the only hopeful part of the news he'd heard so far. "Hey! But that's not fool-proof, right? 97.999 . . . So there's still . . . like . . ."
"2.111%, pet," Spike said helpfully.
"Thank you! 2.1111111% of a chance that this test is wrong, and that's something, isn't it? And don't call me pet, Spike!"
"Sorry, pet," Spike mumbled.
"Why *does* Spike keep calling you pet?" Buffy asked from the counter. "I get that you slept together, but are you all of a sudden a couple too?" She shrank back when Xander turned furious eyes her way.
"I don't know why the fuck he keeps calling me that," Xander hissed.
"Oh, nice language," Spike retorted. "You going to keep talking like that when we've -- you've -- got a little one on the way? You need to set a good example now, pe-- . . . Xander."
"I do not! Have! A little one on the way!" Xander shouted.
Spike regarded him and snorted. "Yeah. Right. Because all those outbursts sure aren't caused by moody-making hormones."
Xander's eyes narrowed to slits. "Do you *see* how he's provoking me?" he asked the room in general.
"Let's all sit down, shall we? It would be wise to keep our composure as we try to figure this out," Giles urged.
There was an uncomfortable pause.
"Um, Giles? We *are* all sitting," Buffy pointed out.
"Do you want us to sit more?" Willow asked doubtfully from her spot on the couch next to Oz.
"We could *change* seats," Oz observed. At that Xander skittered up and plunked himself down on the couch. Spike looked plaintively after him.
"Why don't we keep to the matter at hand," Giles said impatiently. "Xander's pregnant, and it seems that Spike is somehow involved. Leaving aside the expected objections about Spike's presumed infertility because he's, well, dead . . . and Xander's inability to carry a child because he's male . . . and leaving aside the evident dislike that both of them have felt for one another up until this point, and leaving aside--"
"But can't we leave Spike aside--"
"No protests, Xander . . . if we're to establish what has occurred, it seems clear that Spike is integral to the investigation. We can't ignore that he was the one to . . . well, let's simply say that he was involved every step of the way."
"You could say it like that," Spike put in with a cocky smile.
"Oh god," Xander moaned into the couch cushion. Oz patted Xander's hair lightly. There was a low growl from Spike at that, and Oz just as gently moved his hand away.
"Best way to do this is to start from the top," Buffy said after a pause. "What do we know -- what happened first?"
"Well, the night they had sex was the one that Giles that sent Spike and Xander to get that package from Angel at the mansion . . ." Willow put in.
"Speak of the git," Spike sighed when the front door opened and Angel stepped through.
Angel regarded them all with a wary expression.
"I think maybe I can help to shed some light on this," Angel said.
"By all means, if you know anything that can help the situation, we're grateful for your assistance," Giles said.
"How do you even know what's going on, Angel?" Willow wondered.
"Spike," Angel said shortly.
"Geez, you told him already?" Xander griped. Despite their reproachful tone, his words seemed to release Spike to edge closer to Xander.
"Didn't tell him. Must have put two and two together, pet. Figured the first part out from the smell, but don't know how he discovered the other," Spike said in a low voice. He hovered close to Xander's spot on the couch, and when Xander didn't object he sat on the arm of the furniture, smiling slightly when Xander moved closer to him.
"So what's the story?" Buffy asked Angel. "And, um, what's up with *that*?" she asked in a quiet tone, gesturing towards Xander who was now unabashedly resting his head against Spike's thigh, his eyes closed as Spike murmured to him and trailed fingertips gently down his cheek.
"There may have been a love spell," Angel said evenly to Buffy and Giles after he had pulled them further into the kitchen.
"May have been?" Giles asked. "Was there one or not?"
"Maybe. And . . . maybe a pregnancy spell. The package . . ." Angel continued.
"That's some kind of package," Buffy observed.
"Well, I didn't know that Spike and Xander would *open* it to see what was inside," Angel said in an aggrieved tone.
"Hold up," Xander said. He raised his head, and Spike growled, baring his teeth at Angel for making Xander shift away. "You knew about what was inside? What might happen if someone looked in? And you let *us* be the ones to get it for you?"
"Yeah. Sorry about that," Angel offered with a frown.
"Oh boy," Willow said inaudibly.
"Sorry," Xander repeated after Angel incredulously. "You've got to be kidding me. *Sorry*? That's *it*?"
"Now, now, pet," Spike said in a calming tone, patting Xander's arm. "Let's hear him out out. Won't do for you to get over-excited."
"And you," Xander turned on Spike. "You should be on my side, not telling me to . . . and how do I know that you're patting my arm out of whatever all of this is or because of some stupid spell?!?"
Spike dropped his hand abruptly, and he and Xander regarded one another with apprehension.
"What's going on?" Xander said weakly.
Giles closed his eyes, pinching the meeting of brow and nose in evident frustration. Buffy bounced on the balls of her feet, her fingers curled into tight little fists as she scanned the room for something to punch. Oz's eyes followed Spike's hand as it came close to then shrank away from touching Xander's shoulder.
Angel looked about as contrite as it was possible for him to look.
"Alright," Willow said brusquely. "This isn't doing anyone any good. Angel, you stay here with me and Giles, and tell us everything you know. Buffy, you go and patrol before you start to get antsier and make us all nervous. And Oz . . . can you make sure that Spike and Xander get home okay?"
Everyone stayed still for a moment, and then they all began moving to follow instructions. Except Xander, who stared at Willow pleadingly.
"But Will," he started.
"You need to rest," she answered. "And Spike seems to need to be near you," she added carefully, not adding that Xander also seemed to need to be close to the vampire. "Just . . . go home and get some sleep, eat something. We'll figure out what we can and reconvene. He's not going to hurt you, Xander, okay?"
"Not any more than he already has," Xander muttered as Oz shepherded him towards the door, followed by an extremely annoyed looking Spike.
********************
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