the situation, but--"
"Ow, ow, ow," Xander wailed.
"Why would Angel leave without me?" Buffy burst out.
"Probably for the best," Giles muttered. He turned a page forward and then back, marking the passage before going to his cupboard to obtain necessary ingredients for the process. "Though you went with him the last time, it may be advisable not to introduce a slayer into the midst of the clan during times of crisis, which was of course why you didn't attend the negotiation of the truce. Angel will be approaching them with speed, asking them to rush to our assistance, and all must be handled with the utmost delicacy."
"Yeah, but he's got no reason to keep me away from them," Spike growled. "I would have made those Glaz'broths hurry over here right quick."
"How about Angel left you here because you need to be around for the damn birth," Xander exclaimed. "Stop worrying about yourself and trying to weasel out of the weird parts of this."
"Hey! Do you see me weaseling?" Spike asked indignantly. "I'm right here!"
"Ow," Xander whimpered pitifully, and Spike hastened to stroke his hair and try to make him more comfortable.
"Oh dear," Giles said in a low voice.
"Oh dear *what*?" Spike asked.
"Er . . . " Giles looked up from his book and closed his eyes briefly. "I didn't realize we'd be needing eye of newt when Angel and Buffy gave me that list of what was required earlier. I seem to be out."
Buffy crossed over to join him behind the counter and raised her eyebrows at the different ingredients spread out. "Can't we substitute something else?" she asked.
"Maybe eye of salamander?" Oz suggested.
"Usually, yes, that would make an acceptable replacement. But not this time, I'm afraid," Giles replied.
"Hey, how did you know about eye of salamander?" Buffy asked Oz.
He shrugged. "You hang around Willow, you pick up a few things about spell ingredients."
"Oh great," Xander interrupted them. "Everything is going to go to hell in a hand-basket because *someone* was too lazy and cheap to replenish his high-quality amphibious eye supply. Now the baby is in trouble, I'm going to *die*, and did I mention that this *hurts like hell*?"
"No one's dying," Buffy said firmly.
"That's right, love," Spike said in an undertone. "Nothing's going to happen to you while I'm here."
"Ow," Xander said pointedly. But when Spike knelt on the rug beside the couch and put his arms around him, Xander immediately laid his head on Spike's shoulder with a distressed noise.
"I'll go out and pick some up," Oz volunteered. "You want me to get anything else?"
"How about something to make the pain get gone?" Buffy asked in a low voice.
"The demon will do that when he arrives," Giles said. "We shouldn't interfere with the process. For now, best to hurry."
Oz nodded and left the apartment at a jog.
A moment after the door had closed after him, Angel entered, his eyes darting back and forth. He seemed unaware that he was in full game face.
"Where's the demon?" Buffy asked.
"The demon's not *here*?" Spike demanded. He rubbed Xander's torso anxiously when Xander tried to sit up.
Angel growled at the room in general. "They're on their way," he snapped.
"You said there would be poofing!" Xander hissed suddenly, brushing away Spike's hand when Spike tried to get him to relax.
"What?" Buffy and Angel asked in unison. Angel looked surprised, shaking his head after he touched his face until his expression was human once again.
"You said, when I *specifically* asked if this would hurt, that the Glaz'broth guys would lay their hands on me, and *poof*, there would be the baby!"
"Well, yeah, once they get here, and once it starts . . . um, poof," Buffy said in a small voice.
"But before the poofing, extremely horrible pain?" Xander gasped out. "Like bamboo under the fingernails pain, but magnified a gazillion times and *everywhere* on my body?"
Buffy took a step closer to the couch, and her hands fluttered around Xander as though she could somehow stop whatever was happening to him with her touch. "Um. Maybe?"
"Damn it," Xander shouted hoarsely. "This fucking hurts!"
"I'm sorry!" Buffy said in a desperate tone.
"Buffy, come on," Angel said quietly. "Stop apologizing to Xander. It's not your fault."
"That's right," Xander said. His eyes had gone very wide. "It's *your* fault!"
"He does have a point," Spike remarked.
"You stay out of this," Angel warned in a low voice.
"I'm already in it," Spike said, taking Xander's hand so that they could join in glaring at Angel and Buffy together. "I'm the bloody father."
"I'm the freaking father too," Xander grumbled, and Spike turned all his attention to Xander, speaking to him in a whisper as he stroked his arm and petted his hair.
"If the Glaz'broth are on their way, this will soon be far easier on you," Giles said. "Let us try to focus on that." The door opened, and everyone's head swung towards it.
"Got what we needed," Oz announced as he slipped through the door and held up a paper bag. "They had to go in the back to get the newt eyes, so that's why it took me a little while."
"No, that was really fast. And we're only staring because we thought you were going to be a demon," Buffy explained.
Oz blinked. "Only sometimes."
"Ow! Ow ow ow ow ow!" Xander wailed.
"How long can he keep yelling like that?" Oz asked mildly despite the furrow of concern on his brow.
"I'd imagine until he loses his voice," Giles answered in distraction. He thumbed through the book in his hands, cringing slightly when Xander emitted a particularly piercing shout. "Angel, when you said 'they're on their way,' you did mean that they'd be arriving any moment, yes?"
"The demon who is going to help out just had to stop by to pick up --" Angel began before he was interrupted by a knock at the door.
Oz went to the entrance and turned the knob cautiously. Standing on Giles's threshold was a nine-foot tall dark green demon. Its jaws were massive, and heavy-looking scales covered it from enormous head to clawed feet. While the group waited in stunned silence, it stepped inside just as some sort of slime hanging by a thread from its exposed incisors dropped onto the carpet with a distinct *splish*. A sound, not unlike the roll of thunder in the distance, emerged from its broad chest.
"Oh my god," Xander breathed.
"Hi," said a short man who had been standing behind the demon. He nodded to everyone amiably and adjusted his backwards baseball cap. "I'm Hank, and this here is Gustave."
"Gustave?" Buffy asked. Oz very slowly moved away from the door and went to stand next to Buffy.
"Loose translation," the man shrugged. "You can just say 'Gus'." He pulled off his jacket and draped it on one of the chairs while Gus followed him with squelching sounds.
"Not that I mind seeing you, er, Hank, but . . . who are you?" Spike asked. He had wrapped his arms around Xander, and Xander made a small, strangled sound in protest when Spike squeezed too tightly. "Sorry, pet," Spike whispered.
"Human liaison," Hank answered helpfully. "The Glaz'broth understand non-demonic languages pretty well, but their jaws and teeth, not to mention their double tongue, make it hard to pronounce any words but their own."
"Double tongue?" Oz asked with raised eyebrows.
Buffy shook her head as though to clear it. "Okay, Hank . . . Gus. Let's get this thing started. What do we do?"
Gus barked jovially.
"Gus says first things first. Where's our little spawn carrier?" Hank asked.
Xander uncertainly raised his hand.
"Wow, right," Hank said. "We should've been able to tell from the door, huh? You're really showing there."
"Is this going to take a long time?" Xander asked. Giles had brought the mixture over to the coffee table, and was awaiting further instruction, while Angel and Buffy hovered at strategic points near the demons. "I mean, the pain part?"
"Oh, I'm thinking not more than three days," Hank answered. When Xander's jaw dropped, Hank laughed. "Nah, I'm joshin' you. You'll be all set in the next hour for the whole thing."
"Uh . . . an hour of completely devastating pain?" Xander asked.
"Oh, no, definitely not," Hank said. "Gus?"
Gus approached the couch, both of its fore-claws raised in the air. Xander unthinkingly squirmed further into the cushions and then went rigid when another set of contractions apparently struck.
"Perhaps you could tell us what, er, Gus . . . is going to do, to set our minds at ease," Giles said.
"Sure thing," Hank said. He cast a worried look at Xander. "Gus is just going to lay its claws on the spawn carrier and remove the pain."
"And . . . the baby?" Giles asked faintly.
"Yeah, the baby too," Hank said. Gus gave a loud rumble and Hank listened patiently. "Right, but not before the spell part."
"I don't know if I like being called 'spawn carrier'," Xander muttered once he had recovered enough to speak.
"I don't know if I like the baby being called 'spawn'," Spike put in.
"I'm telling you, the phrase sounds way sweeter when you hear it in Glaz'broth," Hank told him. "Now just relax for a sec, and Gus'll take good care of you."
Xander gripped Spike's hand tightly. Spike screwed his face up, as though he was doing his best not to growl. Gus leaned forward with a clicking sound and then with a surprisingly gentle gesture, laid its claws on Xander's abdomen.
Xander gasped and then exhaled slowly. "It's . . . wow. I feel it, but it doesn't hurt at all anymore. Thanks. Thanks a lot."
Gus blinked its bulging eyes at Xander in what seemed like a friendly way, and then turned to wave a claw at Hank.
"Let's start spreading that stuff on him," Hank directed Giles.
"Anywhere in particular?" Giles asked.
Gus opened its jaw and wagged its tongues at Giles.
"Trunk, Gus says," Hank translated. "On his stomach, I mean."
"I'll do it," Spike said, and began smoothing the mixture onto Xander's skin. "Be over soon, love," he said to Xander as he scooped out more of the combined ingredients.
"Okay," Xander whispered. He rested his hand on Spike's while Spike carefully spread the paste. Then he paused and sniffed. "You know, I thought it'd be totally nasty. And it looks nasty, but . . . it smells *minty*."
"Well, the mint extract was in the cupboard next to the Rhodiola serum," Giles explained. "I confused the two momentarily."
"Hey, I think it's a nice touch," Hank said.
"Er, thank you," Giles replied. "And now?"
Gus made a thick sound, not unlike that of a 300-pound weight being plunged into a vat of taffy.
"Now we need to ask everyone to leave," Hank said with a friendly smile.
"What? No!" Buffy said. "Xander is our friend, and if you think that we're going to leave him here with you--"
"I hardly think you can expect us simply to follow everything you--," Giles said at the same time.
"I'm not going anywhere, I can tell you that," Spike said loudly and decisively.
"Why do you want us to leave?" Oz asked curiously.
Gus and Hank exchanged glances. "Thought the vampire told you about that already?" Hank asked.
Angel cleared his throat. "Uh. I may have forgotten to mention that part."
Buffy sighed. "Okay. Spill."
"Couple of things," Angel said. "One, the Glaz'broth don't mind helping with the birth, but they don't want anyone else to witness the ritual that makes it possible."
"Oh," Giles said with evident disappointment. "Well, I suppose that is their right."
"I think it's crazy. How can we protect Xander if we're not in the same room as him?" Buffy asked.
"Buffy, I think we can trust them," Xander said slowly. "Gus got the pain to stop, and it's not like the Glaz'broth have anything to gain from hurting me or the baby."
"All the same, I am *not* leaving you while this is happening," Spike said fiercely.
Gus clicked at Hank and then opened its jaws.
"Oh, yeah, of course. Gus says that *you* can stay," Hank said to Spike.
"That's the other part," Angel put in. "The two who began this -- the two affected by the spells, who bonded and created the -- "
"Spawn," Hank supplied helpfully.
"Baby," Spike said in a firm voice.
"The ones who created the baby are the only ones who can be in the room besides the deliverer," Angel continued.
"Oh, well," Spike said briskly. "That's okay then." He waved them towards the door. "Give us a bit of privacy, you lot."
"So . . . you just want us to wait outside?" Buffy asked. "After all of this craziness of waiting and watching and helping and *worrying*?"
"That'd be great," Hank said. "I'm headed out with you -- I can't be here either for the during part."
Gus rumbled again. But it was clearly meant as a persuasive rumble, and Xander seemed mostly unperturbed by it. When he looked up at Spike briefly for reassurance, Spike stooped and kissed his forehead and then his lips. At that the others quieted, and Hank was able to herd them outside.
* * *
"I don't like this," Buffy said.
"Shouldn't be much longer," Hank said.
"Well, it's been quite a while already," Giles said as he continued to walk back and forth along the courtyard.
"It's been forty minutes," Oz remarked from his perch on the courtyard table.
"See?" Hank asked. "Only forty minutes."
"Longest forty minutes ever," Buffy murmured as she again glanced at the closed apartment door.
Angel put his hands on her shoulders. "If they said an hour, then forty minutes . . . it should be okay."
Giles looked at his watch, and then shook it. "It's just that I've never been in this type of situation before."
Buffy raised her eyebrows. "Giles, I think it's pretty safe to say that *no one* has been in this type of situation before."
"Oh, no, not even the fact that a male human is about to give birth, but the entire . . ." Giles stopped his pacing and waved his hand vaguely. "Baby arrival."
"Makes sense that it'd be a thing for you," Oz said with a shrug. "You're like the grandpa."
Giles paled visibly. "Dear lord."
"Well, you and Angel," Oz qualified.
"What?" Angel asked in confusion. "I'm . . . what?"
"Oh my god," Buffy shouted.
"I'm not the grandpa," Angel muttered.
"No, no, not that," Buffy said. "Willow! Nobody's called Willow to tell her that Xander's about to give birth, and the baby's almost *here*, and oh my god, she's going to *kill us all* with one of her fancy new spells that she learned at the Wiccan Unification Summer Session!"
Oz's eyes widened slightly.
Then there was an extremely loud squishing sound, and the apartment door opened. Gus stood there, blinking at all of them.
"Is everything--" Giles began.
Gus shook slightly. One of its scales fell to the ground with a clattering sound. Then it turned and lumbered back inside.
"Oh dear," Giles said.
"Don't mind Gus," Hanks shrugged. "It's just a little overwhelming, the delivery. Gets you all choked up. Or, depending on things, makes you shed scales. Let's head on in."
Buffy took the first step towards the door and everyone else fell in behind her. "Guys?" she said quietly from the threshold.
Xander was still lying on the couch, though he was now half-propped up on pillows. Spike had squeezed in next to him, his arm curled around Xander's shoulders possessively. And lying on Xander's chest wrapped in a towel and yawning like a kitten, was the baby.
"Wow," Oz said.
"Hey," Xander said cheerfully. "Would you believe it wasn't so bad? Still, I'm so never doing that again."
"Once, definitely enough," Spike agreed, and the two of them smiled at one another.
"Wow. Baby," Buffy said, pointing.
"Our baby," Spike corrected her, tightening his arm around Xander.
"Spike, calm down. They're not going to steal the baby," Xander admonished him. Even so, he clutched the baby closer to his chest.
"It's so little. And not crying. And clean," Oz said.
"I tell you, the magical delivery is the way to go," Xander said. "No muss, no fuss, just poofing, all like Buffy said. Plus I've got my pre-baby figure back now, thanks to Gus's magic claws." He grinned but then cleared his throat. "And if you ever hear me refer to my body as a 'figure' again, please hit me upside the head."
"Lucky you," Buffy grinned. "If they only knew, millions of women would scowl in your general direction."
"He'll still have the stretch marks, though," Hank said from the other side of the room.
Xander's face fell. "Really? Damn."
"It -- what kind of baby is it?" Angel asked warily.
Xander rolled his eyes. "Hello? It's human. What did you think? Just because I got pregnant through a bizarre and unbeknownst-to-me perfectly performed ritual involving a magic box of glitter and fluff that you made me and Spike pick up so you could broker a truce in a war between demon clans doesn't mean that the baby is a demon." He paused and then nodded towards Gus. "No offense."
Gus blinked and then with a cooing sound laid one claw very gently on the baby's head. The baby sighed and closed its eyes.
"I'm guessing Angel was thinking more along the lines of girl or boy," Buffy said when Gus had rumbled at Spike and Xander and moved off towards Hank. "But anyone can tell that it's a girl."
"And you would wager the baby is a girl why?" Giles asked.
Buffy rolled her eyes. "I just know. It's probably some kind of Slayer-sense that I have, being able to figure that kind of thing out. " She moved to the couch, smiling when the baby yawned once more. "She's *very* pretty."
"Sorry to disappoint you, Buff," Xander grinned. "But what we have here is a baby boy."
"A baby boy," Angel repeated as he stepped closer.
"And not a demon," Xander added.
"Though of course his conception was far from typical, he certainly appears to be a normal baby," Giles said. When he put his finger out, the baby immediately curled his tiny fingers around it. "But time will tell us more."
" 'Appears normal' is good enough for now, as long as he doesn't age at some crazy rapid pace." Xander cupped the baby's head after the baby had sneezed and then had seemed surprised. "Because the pregnancy was pretty damn quick."
"Based on the information we've found, and what Hank was good enough to tell me while we were waiting, the baby should follow the normal course of human development," Giles assured him.
"Well that's a relief. It'd be freaky to try to impose curfews on a guy twenty years older than me." Xander tucked the towel in more snugly around the baby, who promptly fell asleep.
"I'm here, I'm here," Willow blurted out as she burst into Giles' apartment. "I was channeling with my coven, and we could feel the energies collecting around Xander when I focused on his aura, so I started out right away, and then . . . oh," she said in surprise as she saw the group of them gathered around Spike and Xander and the baby. "I wanted to help . . . but . . . yay?"
"Very yay," Buffy said with a grin. "Don't worry about missing the pre-show; you're here for the everything-after part."
"But I promised I'd be back in time!" Willow said. Oz drew her close and pulled her into a hug.
"Well, you didn't miss all of it," Buffy reassured her. "You didn't miss . . . well, okay you did miss the . . . and then there was the . . . hmmm. Oh! He doesn't have a name yet."
"He? It's a little baby boy?" Willow asked, her eyes starting to tear up.
Oz squeezed her hand. "So guys, any boy names under discussion?"
Xander looked at Spike. "We were thinking Zachary."
"Zachary, huh?" Willow sat down on the floor next to the couch and brushed her fingers over the baby's cheek. She smiled when he fussed a little but remained asleep. "That works. It's a big name to grow into. And yet it's also nickname-ready."
"Well, we should take off," Hank said. He and Gus were already standing by the door. Gus held up a claw and gave a little wave.
"Oh," Willow said in a faint voice as she took in Gus. "Glaz'broth?"
"Glaz'broth," Oz said with a nod.
"Thank you so much for your help," Giles said.
"Yeah, thanks," Spike added gruffly. "Couldn't have done it otherwise."
"No thanks necessary," Hank said. Gus made a rattling sound and shook. "Well, maybe a little thanks," Hank acknowledged.
"Hey, wait. I was thinking," Xander began. "If Gus wouldn't mind -- we've got the first name, but maybe as a way to remember the very scary birth-giving situation you helped us out with -- how about we use the name Gustave for Zachary's middle name?"
Gus took a thundering step back into the apartment and dropped another scale.
"That means he's pleased, yes?" Giles asked in an aside to Angel.
"Gustave?" Buffy said in an undertone to Xander. "You sure about that? That's some middle name."
"No worse than Lavelle," Xander replied.
"Yeah," Hank said. "Yeah, Gus here would be honored." Gus clicked and then rumbled. "And naming your baby after a Glaz'broth, that brings with it the protection of the clan."
"Bonus," Oz said.
"Okay, nice meeting you all," Hank said with a grin. Gus opened its jaw and waggled its tongues, and they left.
"So," Spike said in the pause that followed.
"So," Xander echoed, smiling at Zachary, who had woken up somewhere in the middle of the name discussion.
"So what happens now?" Buffy asked.
"Uh . . . I guess the whole baby raising thing," Xander said. He laughed and slumped back against the pillows. "Kind of funny, huh? Been so focused on the baby getting here, and now, here he is. I'm not really sure what happens for the rest of it."
"The rest of it we'll just have to find out along the way," Spike said. He reached out and smoothed away a lock of Xander's hair from his forehead, and then stroked the baby's arm. "You know. See if he gets tiny fangs. Sprouts scales. Or maybe becomes a superhero."
"He's not going to sprout scales," Xander said firmly. "Neither of us has scales anywhere, and there's no Glaz'broth in this guy."
"But the fangs, that wouldn't be so bad, yeah?" Spike asked.
"Guys?" Oz broke in. "I know all that future stuff is important. But I think for now we have to deal with the fact that this is pretty much the cutest baby I've ever seen."
"Yes he is. Yes you *are* the cutest baby," Buffy said as she leaned over the back of the couch. "He's strong, too," she noted just after the baby had flailed, grabbed a handful of her hair and yanked hard.
"He seems quite intelligent already," Giles put in, giving the baby a soft tap on the nose and smiling when the baby wrinkled his nose in response.
"He's quiet," Angel said approvingly.
"He looks just like me," Spike said, running his fingers across the smattering of fine blond hair on the baby's head.
"Oh, that could all fall out, the hair," Xander said. "Besides, he's got my nose."
"And your ears," Oz affirmed, gently touching one of the pink shells that stuck out from the baby's head.
"He's just the best baby ever," Willow said with a grin.
"Damn right," Spike agreed.
"Not going to argue," Xander said.
"Let anybody try it," Buffy added.
"Just let them," Angel said fiercely.
Everyone looked at him.
"Well." Angel shifted uncomfortably. "I'm kind of like the grandfather."
"I thought that was my position," Giles said in confusion.
Spike looked at Xander, who just raised his hands in a "who knows?" gesture.
"He's a pretty lucky baby," Xander said. "Having bunches of wacky aunts and uncles. And, uh, kind of grandfathers."
"I see lots of babysitting in all of our futures," Oz noted.
"Probably," Xander agreed. "But for now I'm seeing readier access to diapers and cribs and all the baby stuff back at the apartment." He stood carefully with Zachary and then stopped abruptly. "Oh god. Car seat!"
"It's all set up," Buffy said. "It really was a long forty minute wait."
"Thanks," Xander said. He paused. "Seriously. For everything."
"Of course," Giles said.
"You don't have to talk like you're not going to see us again," Willow said. "We'll all come over tomorrow morning and see how Zachary is doing."
"You will?" Spike said. After a sharp elbow in the side from Xander he said, "Oh, sure you will," with a bit less resentment.
"Wave bye," Xander said, waving Zachary's hand for him. Zachary gurgled.
"Bye!" Buffy and Willow said together.
With Spike supporting and ushering Xander and Zachary along, the three of them departed.
"I must say, that was quite exciting," Giles remarked as he went to the kitchen to put on a kettle of water for tea. "I do hope that Spike and Xander can be persuaded to share a few key details of the ritual. Without, of course, betraying the trust of the Glaz'broth who helped us. But it would be most valuable for the purposes of research and future generations to have more details on the record about this particular magical incident. And I would ask that all of you turn in reports as well -- Oz on the computer findings, Angel and Buffy on their interactions with the demons, Willow on her channeling and focusing energy that allowed her to determine the birth was about to take place." He finished and turned back to the main room. "That way, the observations I record will be as complete as possible, and . . . er . . . hello?"
"We'll write reports and stuff tomorrow," Buffy promised from her position collapsed on the couch. Her eyes were already closed, and her head was tilting towards Angel's shoulder. Angel nodded and closed his eyes.
"Definitely tomorrow," Willow said from the chair where she and Oz were curled up together, from the looks of it already well on her way to being asleep.
"From the state you're all in, one would think it was all of you who had given birth," Giles said with a shake of his head as he went to prepare the tea.
*~*~**The End**~*~*
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