Behind Closed Doors by Keikokin [ - ]
Story Notes:
This was first published and seen in the zine "Military Manuevers". But I had to wait a year to post on the net.
Author's Chapter Notes:
this is a one-shot
Category: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, First TimeSpoilers: For almost all of the first seasonBeta Credit: Allexandrya and deserves far more credit than this one line can offer.………………………………………………………………………………………. Rodney got up shakily from his bed and answered the door. The events of the week kept replaying in his head and he couldn’t seem to rid himself of them. As the door slid open he was greeted by the face of one Major John Sheppard. “Major? Is everything okay? Because if not, I’m on my break. We do get breaks, don’t we? If not we should, you know.” A tight smile tipped the corners of the Major’s mouth upwards. “Yeah McKay, everything is fine. I just wondered if I could talk to you.” Rodney frowned then remembered his manners. He gestured for the Major to enter his quarters. “So…” Rodney looked down at the floor. “If you ever do that again I’m officially kicking your ass, or unofficially if I have to,” John blurted out without preamble. “What?” Rodney’s head snapped up and he gauged the look on the Major’s face. He didn’t seem angry. And there was an odd inflection to his voice. John put his hands on Rodney’s shoulders as he faced him pulling them both to standing once more. “I thought we lost you there for a moment and I have to tell you I didn’t care much for that feeling.” Rodney’s eyes went wide. “Oh.” “Yes ‘oh’. Shit, Rodney! What the fuck were you thinking? Geez, that protection device had fallen off of you once, then to see you spread out on the floor when that…that darkness went through the gate. I…I…” He pulled Rodney into a hug surprising the scientist and he stiffened in John’s arms. “That was the bravest and stupidest thing I’ve ever seen.” “You’re welcome. But it’s someone else’s turn next time, I mean it.” Rodney shivered. “What was it like in that…thing?” John asked in a hushed tone. Rodney’s eyes went wide and he gestured for the Major to sit down again in the only chair in the room as he lowered himself to sit on a corner of his bed. He began to gesture animatedly as he tried to explain it all. John smirked and began to calm down seeing Rodney back in excited scientist mode. He nodded and listened raptly as Rodney tried to explain the odd sensation of what it felt like to be in an amoeba-of-sorts. Finally, Rodney wound down and they faced each other in a moment of comfortable silence. John was thinking it was time to go, when Rodney surprised him with his next question, “So does this mean you don’t hate me anymore?” He frowned. “I don’t hate you, McKay. True, I want to throttle you sometimes, or duct tape your mouth shut, but it’s not constant by any means. Why did you think I hated you?” “Oh, it’s nothing,” Rodney rubbed the back of his neck and felt the awkwardness returning. “Nobody really likes me, and I figured you were one of them.” “What, no comment about how we are all jealous of your genius?” John teased poking Rodney in the arm as they both stood again. Rodney chuckled. “We just got here and it’s going to take us all a bit to get used to each other. That’s perfectly normal in any new base of operations.” John pulled Rodney back into a hug. Rodney smiled and awkwardly hugged the Major back. John squeezed him tighter before returning to just having his hands on the scientist’s shoulders. Yet as suddenly as it happened John pushed away and rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah, well, no more heroics, okay?” Rodney smiled and nodded then watched as Sheppard left the room, leaving him with an odd feeling of warmth. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was after the next mission, the roles were reversed and Rodney came to the Major’s quarters. Waiting for permission he let himself in and stood trying to look angry at the Major when he was still scared to death. Sheppard put down his copy of War and Peace and slowly stood up. “Rodney? Are you okay?” “Do you realize what this has done to my nerves, Major? Of course you don’t! Major Oblivious, that’s you! Well, you scared the shit out of me when you had that bug attached to your neck! Let me tell you that was pretty damn frightening, Major, and you had better start looking where you are going!” Rodney’s arms were gesturing wildly about and his eyes were wide. John smiled crookedly at the hidden concern. “It was no picnic for me, either.” Rodney did his best to calm himself and recall why he was there in the first place. “How’s the neck, anyway?” Rodney tilted his head to look at the red mark that still remained after the bandages were gone. “Okay, but I won’t pretend that I don’t still get freaked out in the middle of the night. It makes a change from seeing you going into all that blackness and disappearing. Geez, Rodney.” John shook his head at the scientist. Rodney smiled at the sudden turn of focus back on his impromptu heroics. “If I had any idea you cared so much, I might not have done it.” John gulped. “You have no idea.” At Rodney’s shocked expression he amended quickly, “I mean, it was still really brave and you saved us all. All I did was get a stupid bug bite.” Rodney could tell John was lying to him. He knew there was more to what the man had gone through. Hell, hadn’t they all had to listen to his last words? But he let it go since the Major looked decidedly embarrassed and he was obviously on overload, just as he’d been after his own adventure. The whole event was simply compounded by just being able to save them all with so little time to spare. It had all been too much to process, much less figure out the enigmatic Major that he was just getting to know. Perhaps the Major didn’t want to discuss it with him. Of course, he’d probably rather be discussing this with Aiden Ford. “Oh,” Rodney felt oddly disappointed and looked down rubbing his arm absently. He heard John sigh, push back the chair that was between them and walk to him. Reaching down, John grabbed his hand and then pulled him into his arms. When they parted he was surprised when the Major took his face in his hands, tilted his head down and kissed his forehead – tenderly. “OH.” Rodney felt his face flush six ways to Sunday when he met John’s amused eyes. “I don’t hate you, Rodney McKay, not at all, and thanks for the concern,” John grinned crookedly as a madly blushing Dr. McKay made a lame excuse about having to go and dashed from the room. Rodney made a beeline for his own room and flopped back down on the bed, smiling up at the ceiling. He mentally compared John’s kiss on his forehead to the one Samantha had given him on the cheek. He grinned deciding he felt – happy, much happier than when Samantha Carter had kissed him. John’s was different, it held – promise. The next two missions left both of them shell shocked with dismay, betrayal and concern. Tension still rode high with Teyla and all the Athosians, despite both the efforts of Dr. McKay and Major Sheppard to try to back up Teyla. Ford had tried, too, but Elizabeth had chosen the wrong side and it would take awhile for the betrayal to heal. John and Rodney seemed to both sense Teyla’s innocence and fought for her the way one would a sister. After all there was no way she’d betray them to the Wraith. Although, Rodney suspected, he might not go to the wall for his sister the way he did for Teyla. It was nice, really, in retrospect, the cohesion that was starting to flow in the team and when Rodney was all alone, he sometimes even allowed himself to smile over the sense of acceptance he felt. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Both he and Major Sheppard were shaken after their encounter with the youngsters on their latest mission. He’d been so excited to see a Zed PM, but so disturbed to hear of the ritual suicides going on in the primitive tribe. The stitch he’d gotten running to the aid of the team almost killed him it seemed, but not nearly so much as seeing John at the end of a spear. After they’d left it was oddly silent as news of the youngsters spread through Atlantis. This time Major Sheppard came to his room. They each tried to talk, but wound up shaking their heads and just holding each other. Neither questioned the odd bonding going on between them, or the shared comfort. It just seemed right. And after a few minutes they parted with nods and each felt a bit better. After that mission Rodney started to work out in his room, sensing being a scientist for Atlantis might require being in slightly better shape. Not to mention, he felt self-conscious when John had held him, concerned he might feel a bit paunchy to the very fit Major. The next mission with the Hoffans was painful, bitter and upsetting yet in a different way. Rodney was starting to learn that there was no teaching some people, something he’d only believed with some of his own inept scientists he dealt with on a daily basis, with the exception of the Czech, whatever his name was. But this time Beckett was drawn into the whole mess. He liked Dr. Carson Beckett, he really did. Oh sure, he teased him about all of his medical conditions, but he was there for him every time he was needed. And Rodney appreciated professionalism. But there’s something totally different about seeing someone who seemed so strong fall apart. Rodney wasn’t sure what the rest of the group did after missions, or if Sheppard went around talking to them all, maybe he did. But this time they all showed up in the infirmary with some of the Athosians hooch and had a few drinks. It didn’t really help, but it did help dim the pain or at least the memory a bit while sharing the load. After that, banter began to flow even easier between the Major and Rodney. Rodney felt more at ease around the Major and less on the defensive. He started to understand that the many personal comments that he was taking to heart, were only meant as playful barbs in parry to his genius humor and started to play up to that. The first time he did it was on the awful Genii mission and Sheppard rewarded him with a large smile that made Rodney smile right back. It was then he realized he wanted to see more of those unguarded smiles. With each mission, he saw more facets to the Major, and the act he put up for the team. Yet Rodney could see how Sheppard was similar to him in that he was always thinking, constantly. And after each mission, Sheppard and McKay would take turns talking it out with each other, or if the group was needed then they had a few drinks, even if it was in silence. McKay suspected it was some odd bonding ritual of sorts and wondered if all military outposts did something similar. It almost made him seek out an anthropologist to ask – almost. Sometimes Rodney would find himself getting sucked in by the grand facade the Major presented, falling for the ‘dumb soldier’ routine only to have Sheppard do a complex math problem in his head in mere seconds. Or calculating out the next move the team should make, far in advance. His insatiable curiosity was something that Rodney found both attractive and frightening along with his split-second ability to strategize. Sheppard thought nothing at all of walking through bunkers or Wraith ships. At least he certainly looked calm when Rodney could barely hear over the thudding of his own heart pounding in his ears. He began to slowly understand the importance of one Major John Sheppard in his own life, his own world. When he had discovered a way to open a wormhole back to Earth, even if it was an illusion, he’d found out more than he really wanted to ever know about himself. He was a desperately lonely man. The only chance he had for a relationship back on Earth was with the woman who was sitting his cat, and happened to hate his guts. He’d never really done well with women, ever. Perhaps it was the geek in him, or the fact he was never in, say, Major Sheppard’s league. Rodney noticed women seemed to watch the Major out of the corner of their eyes. They seemed drawn to him, and yet the Major, though friendly, was decidedly uninterested. Yes, he’d flirt, but there was not so much as a hint of any behavior that would even suggest a relationship with any one at Atlantis. Rodney decided that perhaps he was not the only lonely one. It was the realization that Atlantis and the people there were more his life than he’d ever had before that helped him through the storm they faced next, making a bond between himself and Dr. Weir that never existed before. Rodney had known for sometime that many of the scientific group found her as fascinating as a specimen, caught as she was between the military and the civilians. Some were even attracted to her. Rodney didn’t see the physical attraction, though he didn’t find her ugly, but her sheer strength of support for him when he’d pushed his own inner courage to the brink was incredible in its intensity and he found a new respect for the woman that he admittedly did not have before. The next mission when he and Sheppard were investigating a crashed Wraith ship had been terrifying in a whole new way. He had two people there that suddenly looked up to him. And both were now dead, one by his own hand, yet Rodney felt responsible; even it had been Sheppard’s order to hand the gun over. It was odder yet to have to come to Sheppard’s rescue, or at least aide, instead of the other way around. At the end of the mission he sat in his quarters trembling remembering it all. Technically it was his turn to go to Sheppard, but when the Major showed up at his room Rodney didn’t complain. They fell asleep talking about nothing at all lying side by side. When the nightmares came, they held each other and used each other’s strength to get through it. When morning rose Sheppard was gone, but Rodney felt better just the same. It was after his terrifying infection by the nanites that Rodney wasn’t sure if he should go to Sheppard’s room or wait for the Major to come to his room. As he lay in the infirmary being checked over by Beckett, trying to figure it out, Sheppard came to him once again. Without a word, Rodney could tell they were back at square one, starting over with new rules. Suddenly, it didn’t matter who went to whose room, just so long as they could get over the post mission stress together. John kissed his forehead before he left, something he’d not done in a long time. This time when Major Sheppard left, Rodney didn’t feel comforted he just felt lonely. Yet, on the next mission, he just felt rage and betrayal. He couldn’t explain why - he just did. Major Sheppard and that…that…squid reject from a laser light show were in a relationship just like that and going on picnics together? After that mission, Rodney didn’t go to Sheppard’s room and Sheppard never came to his room. Things had changed and they both knew it. Rodney had said a lot of hurtful words that John couldn’t forgive and John had done the unforgivable, tossing away Rodney’s…love for a woman, who wasn’t even human. Yes, Rodney could admit it now. He loved one Major John Sheppard of the United States Air Force. Rodney was alone in those feelings too he knew and so he continued to feel lonely and now ashamed, struggling to deal with his feelings toward another man. Major Sheppard had offered him friendship, not love. Not once did the Major even hint at it. But it didn’t stop how McKay felt. Yes, McKay was back to being McKay and the Major was the Major. And the team felt …cold. It took some hard work for Rodney to admit his love for the Major and even more to get to the point where he realized he had to have John back as a friend at the least if he was going to survive the day-in-day-out torture of unrequited love. Slowly, he eased back into the bantering. And if he threw occasional, shall we say hints, the Major’s way he was glad that at least they were not rebuffed. In fact, it seemed they were amusing to the Major. He’d just been kidding around about a bigger place, hoping the Major would take that hint when their next mystery had to be solved. The old lady in suspended animation had been a real surprise, but she didn’t seem to be dangerous, just interesting. So Rodney had been more than happy to ‘kick back’ with the Major and discuss the chances of more Atlanteans sleeping away. It felt good; certainly it brought a smile to Elizabeth’s face when she found them together like that. But the warm feeling soon ended when the other Elizabeth told them how so many of them died, drowned in panic and water. And he, Dr. Rodney McKay super-genius of his time…died, and deep within him something else died knowing that he’d never gotten to know Sheppard. It was of little comfort that Sheppard, Elizabeth and Zelenka had gotten away. This time Sheppard had sat after the briefing with McKay. His hazel eyes looked up and locked with his own. “It’s not going to happen that way, not alone.” John said firmly and then headed toward the infirmary leaving Rodney to ponder over what he’d said. By the time Rodney arrived in the infirmary, it was to hear a bit more of the older Elizabeth’s story. It was an odd relief to know that Sheppard hadn’t made it either, but it was a bitter victory in their verbal sparring, one that Sheppard immediately knocked down off the small pillar Rodney had put it on in his mind. They heard a bit more before Carson gave them the news that the old gal didn’t have much longer. It was painful and aggravating. Rodney found himself inching closer to stand next to John who thankfully didn’t move away, but stood by his side sharing his strength. As the disturbing tale continued Rodney brushed his hand against John’s and felt two of John’s fingers slide into his own. Rodney was thankful to feel that warm feeling surge through him again. Later that night, after a mission briefing was announced for the next day and after Elizabeth dealt with the loss of well, herself, Rodney stood looking out over the city. He was surprised to feel arms come around him from behind as the doors slid shut. “Rodney.” “John.” Rodney sighed and leaned back, enjoying the stolen moment. His heart fluttered madly in his chest. He gulped back a hundred fears that seemed to race through his mind. “This is…nice.” “Yeah, I thought so, too,” John nuzzled the side of his face and Rodney was glad his back was turned to the other man, sure he was blushing wildly. “You okay? You surprised me back there in the infirmary.” “I’m good. Thanks for, um, not… um, you know, running out screaming,” Rodney spluttered, angry at how he suddenly could not speak around the thought of how good John felt. “You don’t do this for everyone on the team, do you? I mean, I’m not just one of your stops am I?” John snickered. “You’re welcome and no, you’re my only stop.” “Do you realize we’ve only been here just shy of a month? I mean it’s incredible.” Rodney yawned. “I should probably head to bed.” “Come on,” John turned Rodney in his arms. “Just five more minutes, Rodney, something interesting might happen.” “OH, really?” Rodney snapped. Fear and excitement making the words come out harsher than he meant and Rodney wished he could take them back. “Yes, but we need to talk, Rodney, before anything can happen.” John whispered into his ear softly. “We have something special here and I don’t want it ruined by others opinions of it.” Rodney sank into John’s arms. Suddenly those hundreds of thoughts rushed to the forefront of his mind again, almost overwhelming him with doubt. Yet despite it all, he clutched Sheppard to him like a life raft in a storm. “Your career, the team, the…” “Shh, that is pointless. Yes, there’s going to be some people against us. I’m just saying let’s go into this with our eyes open and a plan.” “Yes, of course the Major has a plan of attack for everything,” Rodney shook his head, but didn’t let go. “I ever tell you how sexy your snark is sometimes?” John chuckled. He wrapped his arms tighter around the scientist. “Only sometimes? Whatever happened to your vaulted skills of observation?” Rodney quipped nervously. “Careful, Rodney, that was almost a compliment, I’m just saying that we should pretend, just pretend mind you, that we occasionally have interest in an off-world woman from time to time.” “I don’t think I like this idea,” Rodney snapped vehemently. “No, as a matter of fact I’m certain of it. You get to continue playing Captain Kirk and I, as Spock, just play faithful companion. Yes, as plans go, that sucks, John.” “We can talk about how well I suck later, Rodney,” John leered. Rodney gulped. “Think about it, we give the people what they expect to see. Any off world interest will stay off world. But here at home, we have each other.” Rodney grinned at that. “Simplistic. And considering the level of mentality…” “Rod-ney,” John scolded. “Oh right, yes, it might work. At least for the time being, but they are bound to find out sometime. It’s not like we can keep an affair like this under wraps.” John grinned. “An affair… I like that. But I was thinking something a bit more permanent. I’m getting a little old to be saving the galaxy one day and having no one to come home to the next. I propose a more solid relationship. ” “You want to be in a relationship…with me? Major, one night stand I could see, okay maybe two, but…with me? You do realize how short a time we’ve known….” He was cut short as John pressed his lips against his. It was soft, possessive and toe curling. Sheppard pulled back to look at him. “…it’s only been about a ….” John swooped in, kissing him again. Rodney gasped under the assault and felt John’s tongue slip into his mouth. This time the kiss was returned and deepened. Rodney moaned into John’s mouth with pleasure. When the kiss ended John once more pulled back to look into Rodney’s eyes. The eyes he so adored were glazed over and dark with lust. “Rodney?” “Um, right, good plan, very good plan. Let’s christen that idea right now. Come along, Major, no time like the present.” Rodney practically leapt from Johns’ arms, opened the door, dragging him down the luckily deserted hall, shoving him into the nearest transporter. “Rodney, where are we going?” Sheppard asked in confusion. “My room, isn’t that obvious, Major?” Rodney smiled and so did John. “I knew I loved you for a reason,” John whispered. “You do? Well, of course you do. And I love you, too, of course…” Rodney beamed. “That’s my genius,” John grinned and as soon as the doors closed behind them in Rodney’s quarters they christened the bed, in the best way they knew how, with love.
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