Rodney massaged his fingers, willing them to stop shaking. But fear had gripped him and he really wanted to write this last message to John. He wasn’t a fool. He knew what his chances of surviving this surgery would be, much less off world. Carson was good, but even with Ancient technology removing a brain tumor, if that’s what it even was, would be difficult.
He tried to remember the good times with John. Their first kiss had been in Puddle Jumper One after a particularly close call with some Wraith. Rodney smiled at the shock he’d given John when he kissed him. The first time they made love had been in Puddle Jumper One as well. Rodney smiled a little more thinking of all the rooms the adventurous Colonel had insisted on ‘christening’.
Lowering his head sadly, he then recalled their first fight. It was over their relationship being found out. John wanted to go public, but Rodney was too worried about John’s career and how the others might react. He even had concerns that it would undermine John’s authority and respect that he currently enjoyed as the Head of Military Operations for the Atlantis Expedition. And that was the beginning of the end, fearing for John, Rodney had gone out of his way to push the man away for his own good, despite the fact it was tearing him up inside.
“Rodney? Are ye done, lad? It will nae do to tarry. I should have already started. The more time we give this wee blighter…” Rodney shook his head and put his pen back down on the paper. He scribbled something and jammed it into an envelope and thrust it at Carson. “What’s this now?”
“Just give it to Colonel Sheppard when he returns from his mission,” Rodney snapped.
Carson looked at Rodney sympathetically for a quiet moment. “Aye, I will.”
A bit taken aback by Carson’s lack of fight just reminded Rodney of how scared he was. Besides regretting breaking up with John, he was wishing desperately that the other man was around just to be there for him. Rodney supposed that was selfish since John was on an important mission aboard the Daedalus scouting for any more Ancient space weapons. He’d been gone over a month already, leaving Sergeant Bates in charge. Not that Gene was necessarily bad, despite all the teasing the man had endured from Rodney. He just wasn’t John. And therein lay the crux of the matter. He missed John and while the man was away Rodney had come to realize it was more than that.
“Ready, lad?” Carson prompted.
Rodney gulped and nodded pressing his eyes closed, leaned back and let the nurse put him under for the surgery. Carson went to prep while trying to convince himself that he could perform the delicate exploration and then removal of whatever it was that had caused the pressure on Rodney’s brain. It was lucky for Rodney that Radek cared so much about him, and reported the tremors the man had been experiencing.
****************************************************************************
Dr. Radek Zelenka sat rubbing his hands together, an outward evidence of how stressed out he was. He couldn’t help it. Seeing Rodney’s health going downhill had shocked him greatly. A part of him had unrealistically begun to think the man was immortal. Indeed he seemed to live on missions where he should not have survived. Terror filled him at the thought of losing Rodney. Not only would it be awful to lose yet another friend, but Radek knew deep down that Rodney was just as brilliant as he made himself out to be. Atlantis would be crippled by the loss of the Head of Sciences.
The silence that had overcome the labs when the news broke that Rodney would have to undergo delicate brain surgery was crippling. Despite the arrogant, overbearing presence that Rodney often exuded he pushed them to do the best work any of them had ever thought themselves capable of. He flitted around yelling and screaming, but had made the scientists from all over Earth a real team. Just as the military members of Colonel Sheppard’s team looked up to John Sheppard, the members of the sciences all looked up to Rodney, grudgingly but it was there nevertheless.
As Rodney’s second closest friend he also saw what Rodney had done to sabotage his own happiness for the sake of Colonel Sheppard’s career and for Atlantis. But Radek had caught Rodney more than once on the brink of tears because of the mess he’d left himself in by denying himself a real chance at happiness. He and Radek had a huge fight in Rodney’s quarters about why Rodney was doing it. But Rodney refused to listen insisting it was for the best.
Radek had been there to try and pick up the pieces. Rodney’s work had become sloppy. His mind wandered at the worst of times, including the middle of meetings. When Rodney began to have the shakes, Radek chalked it up to either too much caffeine or not enough sleep. But then one day he saw Rodney fight to keep a stylus in his hand. He tried to get Rodney to see Carson on his own. Radek knew it was up to him, since Colonel Sheppard was away, to keep an eye on Rodney.
Hadn’t the Colonel even begged Radek after the breakup to ‘just make sure he’s okay’? Radek saw much more than that in the Colonel’s eyes and understood why he’d leapt at the chance to get out of Atlantis for awhile. Radek made Carson come to the labs, he saw the bitter look of betrayal Rodney had given him. Even if it was for his own good, Rodney could be very stubborn. Radek thought it was ironic that even though Rodney complained about every little hangnail as though it would kill him, when he’d become very ill, he never uttered a word.
Radek felt lost and hopeful, in a desperate way. The way a man would cling onto a board from a destroyed ship so as not to drown, yet well aware that he would freeze to death from the cold water. Radek wrung his hands once more, looking at the time and realizing that there were several hours to go. His stomach pitched and his head throbbed with worry. Giving up, he got up and began to pace the small waiting room of the Atlantis infirmary and tried to cling to some small piece of hope, telling himself that Rodney would be fine, just fine.
*****************************************************************************
Colonel John Sheppard could hear the tension in Elizabeth’s voice when they were able to restore radio contact with Atlantis. She tried to act as though nothing was wrong, but John could see right through her. Something was very, very wrong in Atlantis. And John’s gut told him it had to do with Rodney.
John had spent his time aboard the Daedalus making Colonel Caldwell a very happy man. In his effort to forget Atlantis, John had pushed his human side away and became the epitome of the perfect Lieutenant Colonel. He followed orders to the ‘T’ while following through on all the orders given to others. In short, he had become the ideal second officer to the Colonel.
Unfortunately, it hadn’t worked worth a damn. But he had his reasons to be there. John had to remind himself of that on a regular basis. He had attempted to squish down the choir of his emotions with one reckless mission after another. If Colonel Caldwell wondered why he’d developed a penchant for suicide runs, he didn’t say a word.
John learned more about his human side than he ever cared to. He suffered for his ignorance regarding his emotions. Slowly, they leached away the military man and he found himself clinging to delusions that maybe Rodney had done what he did because he felt something.
He needed to hold on to that thought when he discovered being the perfect soldier was just not him. So he did. John clung fast to that one shred of hope. The dream that Rodney cared about his career and the opinion of others, and that was why he pushed him away. It didn’t fit with the personae that Rodney put forth but John didn’t let that stop him.
Swallowing down his pride and tasting the nasty little pill it was, he learned to deal with the fact that Rodney had pushed him away. No matter what the reasons were, Rodney and he were finished. John’s heart was breaking and he hated it. He was supposed to be made of stronger stuff than this. But he knew it would only take one look at Rodney and the emotions would all still be there.
John had managed to learn many hard lessons in his time at Atlantis. He’d arrived cocky, brash and naive. But he thought he’d worn that former personae out and melted it down until it was gone. Then came Rodney and he learned how to lose himself, open himself and to love. John admitted he was now grieving over losing Rodney.
Hearing Elizabeth’s strained voice he began to imagine all sorts of things. Maybe Rodney had moved on and was in a new relationship. Or perhaps he was stuck off world being held hostage by the Genii. In spite of his conflicting feelings, the fact that he loved Rodney made him ask in an unsteady voice. “Something’s happened to Rodney, hasn’t it?”
There was a moment of silence then, “Now don’t be alarmed, John, but I’m the bearer of some bad news.” John held his breath and felt his patience ebb away in a tide of feelings.
****************************************************************************
Once the Daedalus touched down on the pier John was already running for the nearest exit. Protocol be damned! In spite of trying to calm himself, alarms were ringing through him like ten fire trucks at once. Carson met him at the door, looking wan and pale. John absently noticed the man had lost weight and seemed to have lines and bags around his eyes. It didn’t bode well. He put out a hand to touch John’s shoulder. “I should warn ye. He’s lost a wee bit of weight and is weak. But he’s made it through. Before you go in to see him I have to give you something.”
John looked to the closed off curtains wistfully, before he allowed himself to be pulled into the doctor’s office. “Look Carson, can’t you give it to me later?”
Carson closed his eyes and scratched his forehead. “Lad, I hate to be the one to tell ye, but he still may nae make it through this. He’s led a bit of a sedentary life style as you well know. Your team has been on stand down since ye left, so he hasnae been on any missions. Rodney shut himself in the lab and ate only MRE’s, Power bars and coffee. There’s a grave danger of blood clots while he’s doing naught but laying there. It was a large one I removed from his brain.” Carson shook his head.
John placed his hand on Carson’s. “He’s going to be alright.”
Carson cast a dubious look his way. “I hope so. He left this for you.”
Taking the envelope with a shaking hand John quickly left.
“For you visiting hours are from 0900 - 1700,” Carson smiled sadly then quickly retreated to his office.
John hesitantly opened up the curtains. He saw the tubes and machines first, fighting to keep Rodney going, despite himself. Fearfully he remembered Rodney had made a living will that stated that he would only be kept alive for two weeks by machines like this. It fell on John like a ton of bricks to suddenly realize that tomorrow Rodney would be unplugged.
His eyes fixed upon the still figure on the bed. Rodney was paler and it looked like he’d lost weight, thought it was hard to tell with all the covers on his body. Taking the path of least resistance, John gravitated toward the chair nearest Rodney’s head. He looked around at the area and felt tears burn his eyes. Carefully he opened up the envelope to read the note. He smiled sadly to see it was in Rodney’s own hand.
"If I don't make it, know that I’ve loved you all along. And I hope to God Carson can figure out what's wrong."
John lost it. He took Rodney’s hand and cried very quietly over it. Rodney had been unplugged for three days. Only a monitor remained. Fluids were being put in and taken away, nothing else.
Several times a day John would check on things in Atlantis and then return. Every time it was harder to see Rodney like that. John felt himself getting angry at the unfairness of the situation. After bloodying his knuckles on a bag in the gym, he decided he needed another outlet for his emotions.
Without knocking or waiting he walked in and sat down in front of a surprised Dr. Kate Heightmeyer. She had wondered if he would have to be forced to see her, so to see him walking in of his own volition was a bit of a shock. “Colonel?”
“It’s not fair,” John blurted out after sitting down and putting his head in his hands.
“What isn’t fair?” Dr. Heightmeyer prodded, though she knew quite well what the officer was referring to.
“Rodney has saved me, hell, all of us, Atlantis! But all I can do is sit there and feel stupid!” John snapped grimly.
“Why do you feel stupid?”
“Because I should have seen what he was doing! I never should have let him go! Crap!” John stood up and paced. “There he lies day after day and there’s nothing I can do. I can’t believe it’s happening again.”
“What’s happening again?”
“He’s pushing me away again.” John closed his eyes and relived their first kiss and first touch. “I never thought I’d be alone once one of us admitted how we... well, it’s like it was all wasted time. If I lose him now...”
“John?”
“It’s not that I love him too much, but too well. I’m living from day-to-day, hour-to-hour without him, dreaming of us being together again, if we even will. And the minutes stretch out like hours without him. I can’t function. All I can think of is I left a man behind, the only one who loves me and he doesn’t even know I love him back.” John snorted. “Sometimes to keep it together, I try to leave it alone and ignore it, but it hurts too much.”
“John.”
“I just want him to wake up so I know we didn’t waste what we had,” John turned back to Kate his eyes red and tear tracks visible down his crumpled face. “Is that too fucking much to ask? And do you know why he did it? Because he was worried about my goddamned fucking career and what people would think!” John reached up and ripped off his coat and his holster gun putting them firmly on Kate’s desk. “You can have it. If I can’t have Rodney back, I’ll be leaving anyway. And if I can, then I still resign because my stupid career is nothing compared to Rodney. I’ve reached my limit, doc.” And with that John stormed out of her office.
Kate sat back speechless. For once in her career she had no advice to give, no sage guidance, what John had done made perfect sense - for a man who had nothing else to believe in.
John found himself running back to the infirmary. He desperately had to be near Rodney even if it was just to see him breathe. Collapsing on the chair next to Rodney, he failed to even notice Radek by Rodney’s other side. Instead he reached over, picked up Rodney’s hand and kissed the inside of his wrist.
Radek blinked. Not only had the action shocked him, but the awareness that this meant the Colonel had not given up on his and Rodney’s relationship. A smile lit up Radek’s face.
“Colonel?” He whispered not wishing to startle the other man.
John looked up to see Radek smiling at him. “Oh hey, it’s just John now. I just resigned. Probably not the way I should have, but I had my reasons.”
Pushing up his glasses Radek blinked rapidly. “You resigned your commission, why?”
Smiling John inclined his head toward Rodney. “Freedom.”
“Your prison is walking through this world all alone”, Radek quoted.
John smirked. “Desperado by Eagles. I didn’t know you liked American bands.”
“Timeless is timeless …John.” Radek turned to Rodney and shook a finger in his face. “You better let someone love you before it’s too late - you idiot.”
“Enough Eagles,” McKay muttered. Radek stuttered as John shot out of the room like a bullet to find Carson.
******************************************************************************Carson burst into the enclosure with John on his heels, only to find Elizabeth was already there talking with Rodney. Carson’s face lit up and he set to work checking Rodney’s vitals and shoving a drink into his hands.
“It’s about time you woke up, ye daft bugger. Scaring us all so, I thought the poor Colonel was going to take up residence. ”
“John, he resigned his commission.” Radek noted.
“WHAT!?” Rodney yelled.
Carson blinked rapidly, Radek beamed and Rodney blushed. “Are you crazy?” he croaked.
“I was about to ask the same thing!” Elizabeth snapped. “You don’t even speak to me, but go to Kate of all people to resign?!”
John opened up his mouth to speak, but Rodney beat him to it. “We’re getting married.”
“What?” everyone asked at once and stared unbelievingly at Rodney who was smiling happily as if he’d finally unraveled the meaning of life, the universe and everything, and instead of ‘42’ had come up with asking John to marry him.
“Rodney?” John asked softly into the heavy shocked silence.
“It’s simple. We get married and that makes you a Canadian. Your government can’t touch you and you can pull some strings and keep the same rank as a Canadian officer.” Rodney replied smugly turning his gaze from John onto Elizabeth. “That means he stays, Elizabeth. What John meant to do was resign as an American officer. I’m sure we can get the support of General O’Neill.”
Elizabeth beamed nodding happily at the solution. Carson chuckled and Radek shook his head.
“Brilliant.” John supplied and leaned over once more to kiss Rodney on the lips.
“Yes, I know.” Rodney yawned. “If you have any objections speak up now. Otherwise I’d appreciate it, Elizabeth, if you could marry us in the morning. But in the meantime, I need to rest.”
“Aye, I think we can all use a wee bit of rest after that,” Carson agreed opening up the curtains for everyone to leave. He wasn’t surprised when John didn’t budge. With a grin, he let it go and headed off to talk with the others.
For the first time Rodney looked nervously at John. “I suppose I should have asked first.” Stepping forward John nodded and kissed Rodney firmly on the lips.
“Really? Do you think so?” John grinned while his voice dripped with sarcasm. Rodney looked anxious so John added. “The answer is ‘yes’ by the way.”
“Really?” Rodney did not squeak. It was simply exhaustion finding its way into his voice.
“Really. Now get some rest. Tomorrow I want you bright eyed and bushy tailed for our wedding.” John kissed Rodney once more. “I love you.” Rodney smiled and fell asleep.
The End