Warnings: Extreme Hermione bashing
Word Count: 2991
Pairings: Harry/Hermione, Harry/Draco, Snape/Lupin
Date: 6/6/05
Proofread by Nefernat
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Harry Potter was what everyone wanted him to be. He'd defeated Voldemort, graduated from Hogwarts, became an Auror and then married Hermione Granger.
The problem was, as Remus Lupin his adopted godfather and Severus Snape his lover well knew - Harry was miserable. In the meantime, Hermione was living in style. Her intellect had won her a coveted position in the Ministry of Magic, Ambassador Program. The fact that she was muggleborn was totally overlooked by the fact she was Mrs. Harry Potter. She had entire libraries named in her honor now and she was not about to let something like her husbands happiness get in the way of her career.
Harry had hoped for children, lots of them; a big happy family. It was all he'd dreamed of for years. Hermione, he suspected after they married, did not want children. Despite trying repeatedly to have children it had never taken and Harry seemed to be the only one upset about this. He started to wonder if she was doing something to prevent it.
After all, they might destroy her precious books, her career and not to mention her newly acquired figure. A figure she'd gotten thanks to exclusive trainers and personal workouts, courtesy of Harry's inherited fortune. To top it all off, Hermione had taken several lovers. To be frank, Hermione had done a complete 180 since Hogwarts. Her husband’s name had brought with it rank and privilege, opened doors and made her feel a part of the wizarding world in ways she never had imagined.
Severus and Remus were both shocked and furious at how Hermione treated Harry. They were determined to get Harry to divorce her. The problem was Harry was just too nice. He didn't want to hurt Hermione's career or affect her life badly, no matter how he was treated. After all weren't they friends?
On Harry's birthday, which once again Hermione had forgotten, Severus and Remus decided to take Harry out for some serious drinking. In a million years, they never would have guessed the result of that single action. It all started when Draco Malfoy came into one of the pubs they were at, after they’d had their third round.
Draco spotted Severus and Remus sitting in the pub. Happy to see his godfather, even if he was with his lover, Draco made his way over. Harry’s back was to Draco so neither of them spotted each other. Severus saw Draco, and nudged Remus to be ready to break up a brawl between the two old rivals.
“Hello Severus. Hello Remus,” Draco said coming to the table. Harry froze, he knew that voice from somewhere, but it was different somehow. It glided over his mind like silk over glass. Turning quickly he came almost nose to nose with Draco. They both blinked in surprise before Draco said softly. “Hello Harry. It’s nice to run into you again.”
“Um, hello Draco, it’s um, good to see you too. Won’t you sit down and join us?” Remus and Severus turned to stare at each other, in sheer amazement at the lack of hostility between the two, they turned so quickly they almost got whiplash.
Harry smiled as Draco sat next to him. “Where have you been hiding Harry?”
“Oh you know work, home, sleep, same old thing really, day in day out.”
Draco took in Harry’s expression and sat back. “Maybe you need a change?”
At this point Remus and Severus seemed to recover. “What an excellent idea Draco!” they chorused together. Now Draco and Harry looked oddly at them.
Draco leaned forward to whisper conspiratorially at Harry,” They’re like an old married couple.”
He had expected to see Harry smile at this, but instead the former Gryffindor’s face fell. Draco quickly summed up the clues, deciding that all the rumors he’d heard about life as Mr. Hermione Granger was not all the rubbish he’d assumed they were. It did seem that Harry had lost his identity, while Hermione had become Mrs. Potter, poor Harry had become Mr. Granger.
Glancing covertly at his godfather he was given an almost imperceptible nod. Harry excused himself at that moment to go to the little wizard’s room. Draco looked at the other two men and got straight to the point. “I gather you’re trying to get him drunk, so he forgets about the little bitch witch?”
“Well, I wouldn’t say that exactly…” Remus began, but Severus waved his hand in impatience.
“Yes precisely that, we’re also trying to get him to divorce the little tramp,” Severus snapped.
“Turncoat tramp would be more precise,” Remus muttered.
“Ah, well you’ve done your job. You got him out of the house. I can handle it from here,” Draco smirked. Severus looked at his godson with eternal gratitude before grabbing a protesting Remus’ arm and disapparating away.
Harry came back to the table then looked around for Remus and Severus. “Um, where did they go Draco?”
“Oh, I sent them on their way. After all, how much fun could it be to get drunk with them?” Draco smiled, disarming Harry who could only nod in stunned silence. First Draco was polite to him, which was wonderful really, but then wanted to spend time with him? What else would happen?
The next morning Harry would regret that internal question. His head was pounding, but at least somehow he’d made it to bed. There was also a warm weight on his chest. One bleary green eye opened to take stock. One he was naked, two he was indeed in bed and three he was in bed with …with…Draco.
Dressing with a spell, he went home quickly. Standing and shaking in his small kitchen he tried to drink some coffee in order to calm down. His thought process was something like this…
Holy shit what the hell happened last night? Damn Remus and Severus why did they ever leave me with bloody Malfoy. Oh gads, why does my ass hurt? Shit! I haven’t had sex with a bloke EVER. Did I have a good time? UGH! Why am I even thinking that? He is absolutely gorgeous though.
Oh I need my head examined! This is Draco Malfoy! Just because he was so sweet and wonderful last night… OH man, did I just call Malfoy sweet? That’s it I’ve died and gone to hell. Yes, definitely hell if I shagged, or got shagged by Malfoy and don’t bloody remember! Oka, maybe a shower is in order!
It was at this point he heard a small laugh. Turning around he instantly relaxed. “Ron! Am I ever glad to see you!”
“Yeah, it’s been what, a whole day since I saw you last? You look happy. Is there any more coffee?”
“Do I?” Harry smiled then smacked himself.
Ron frowned. “Go mental on your own time, I need coffee, my flat mate’s gone and drunk all mine again.” Looking around he remarked, “Ball and chain out? Good.” Reaching around Harry to grab some coffee, he then turned and flopped down into a chair at the table.
Harry paced as Ron drank his cup of coffee. “Shower, that’s it, I need a shower.” He muttered out loud.
“Yeah, you smell like sex,” Ron remarked. “Don’t tell me she actually unfroze and put out willingly?”
“As if,” Harry laughed pulling off his shirt to go take his shower.
Ron dropped his mug and it crashed loudly to the floor as it smashed to smithereens. Then he wolf whistled low. “Bloody hell. You did get laid. I want details!”
Harry looked down and blushed. His chest and stomach were covered in little love bites and scratches. “Oh Merlin. RON HELP I DON’T REMEMBER!”
Ron was cleaning up the coffee only to break into fits of laughter at this, losing his concentration on the cleaning charm and the poor mug pieces hit the floor once more. “Don’t tell me Remus and Snape finally got you drunk like they’ve been trying to do?”
“Yes, but no, they left. Ron, they left me alone with …Malfoy.” Harry whispered the last.
“Well, it’s about time you two did the horizontal tango. The sexual tension between you two our last year of school was awful. Besides he was on our side in the war before that. Bloody good fighter too, though I never would have thought it. Why don’t you leave Miss High-and-Mighty and go play house with him?”
Harry was sputtering like a fish. “So did you use any protection?” Ron asked ignoring Harry’s state. Now Harry turned white. That got Ron’s attention. “Wow, you meant it when you said you don’t remember. Check your pants, have you any empty packets?” As Harry checked Ron started to laugh again.” Boy could you imagine if you were the bottom and got pregnant? Oh, I’d love to see you tell Hermione that!”
First Harry looked at Ron in panic recalling Remus’ voice during his sex talk. “Always carry wizard condoms on you, just in case you wind up under some powerful wizard.” Then Harry swayed on his feet before passing out into the puddle of coffee on the floor. Ron looked down at his best mate shaking his head. “I’ll take that as a ‘no’.”
Draco Malfoy woke up noticing an instant lack of warmth in the bed. He cuddled into the sheets and started to recall flashes of memory from the previous night. He could almost see himself as he looked up into Harry’s green eyes before they had sex the first time….then looking down into those same eyes when he took his turn topping. Draco had the wonderful feeling of being thoroughly shagged. With a smirk he got out of bed to look in the full length mirror.
Happiness surged through him as he took in the numerous love bites all over his body. He remembered those, as well as covering Harry in them too. Looking back at the bed he thought what a pity it was Harry had panicked and ran home to his wife. He wished he could remember more of the night, but he couldn’t so instead he took a luxurious bath to take away some of his aches and pains.
Remus arrived at Harry’s just in time to help Ron pick mug shards out of Harry’s hair. The dark haired man looked decidedly shaken and odd with bright orange mug pieces sticking up every which way out of his unruly mop. Remus had to laugh. “So did you and Draco have a nice time drinking after we left?”
Ron pointed at Harry’s chest. “He had a damn sight better time than that, wouldn’t you say?”
“Well, I suppose you did. Does this mean you are leaving HER finally?” Remus asked hopefully. This wasn’t exactly what he and Severus had in mind, but perhaps this would kill two birds with one stone, since Severus wanted Draco to find someone.
“Bloody hell, I’ll have to won’t I?” Harry asked. “I can’t believe it, after all the time she’s cheated on me, but I ignored it.”
“Oh, we better get the goods on her before you do divorce her mate, or she’ll rob you blind.”
Harry laughed, “I’d be happy just to have my name and life back!”
“No, no I agree with Ron. Let’s give her enough rope to hang herself. I’ll get word to Draco if you want.”
Harry bit his lip. “I really don’t remember last night. He might not either. Maybe we should leave it at that.”
So reluctantly Remus agreed not to tell Draco. They worked instead to find evidence of Hermione’s affairs. Harry could then divorce her, with Hermione being none the wiser of Harry’s one night stand with Draco. Harry had hoped it would all go quickly. He’d begun to have snatches of memories of his night with Draco.
It made him eager to try to find Draco and see if they’d have a chance together. But Hermione had gone out of the country. They figured they had to bide their time. Hermione was sure to run to one of her lovers once she returned home. She was gone for a total of five months before they could begin their evidence collecting.
Severus in the meantime, had no idea of these plans. But Severus was about to be secret keeper for Draco. It had been during the fifth month of Hermione being out of the country when Draco fire called him for an anti-nausea potion, that Snape had his suspicions confirmed. He had quickly taken notice that Draco had been rather anti-social, not going to clubs, pubs or visiting. Draco tried to play it off, but when this call came Snape knew for sure.
He arrived at Malfoy Manor first thing in the morning to find Draco heaving over a commode. Draco was pregnant, five months to be exact with Harry’s child. But Draco was convinced that Harry wanted nothing to do with him.
He explained that if Harry wanted to see him he would have contacted him by now. But Draco had always wanted a big family, unlike how he was raised. So he made Severus his secret keeper, so that Harry wouldn’t find out and possibly take the child from him to be raised by him and Granger.
Yet they both read the papers which were filled with the scandalous divorce case of the Potters. Harry had taken Hermione to divorce court, armed with photos. But Hermione claimed that Harry was impotent, shaming the Golden Boy to no end. It was so heavily covered that the case had to be moved to an American wizarding court.
She cried and wailed under oath how she was so desperate to keep up the image of the perfect marriage and to have the children she’d always wanted, to this end she’d taken lovers in hopes of becoming pregnant. The case dragged on day after day, while Hermione’s lovers who’d obviously been coached, told the court of her sad tale.
It was during this time that Severus confronted Remus about why Harry was finally getting divorced and why he’d waited so long. Armed with this news Severus quickly told Draco and they formulated a plan. Without letting Harry, Remus or Ron see Draco, Severus quietly ushered him into the back of the courtroom concealed under a large cloak so no one could see the now, very pregnant wizard.
An owl flew into the courtroom just before the case continued. Remus’ eyes went wide as he took the note. Draco watched in amusement as Remus looked around the room for Severus, but to no avail. He handed the letter to Harry’s lawyer.
The solicitor followed the instructions in the letter calling as his next witness the personal physician of Mrs. Harry Potter. Healer Ross was a tall thin man with lightly graying hair and a pleasant smile. He took the stand with a slight wave to everyone.
“Good day Healer Ross, what brings you to the courtroom today?” Harry’s lawyer, Mr. Kline began.
“Well, I have wonderful news that I didn’t think Mrs. Potter would mind if I shared with the courtroom today, since it will undoubtedly end this horrible divorce.”
“What news would that be?” Mr. Kline asked.
“Oh, the very best. Since Mrs. Potter missed her last scheduled birth control shot she’s now three weeks pregnant.”
“I DID NOT MISS MY APPOINTMENT!” Hermione screamed. The courtroom went silent. Then reporters ran out of the room and everyone began to whisper at once. The judge had to lower his gavel several times before anyone heard him in the chaos that soon exploded, as it sank in what was said.
“Given the evidence of the former Mrs. Potter’s perjury I grant Mr. Potter the full settlement. Mrs. Potter will hereby be known as Hermione Granger, with no spousal support or alimony of any kind. Her access to the Potter and Black family faults is hereby rescinded. She will also, at her cost, have printed a full page apology to Mr. Potter for her blatant lies and treachery in all the Wizarding papers. Congratulations Mr. Potter.” The Judge declared with a smile, leaning down to shake Harry’s hand.
The courtroom went wild and in the commotion, Healer Ross was able to escape Miss Granger who was about to climb over a table to get at him. As the courtroom cleared Harry spotted Draco. Pushing through Remus and Ron he made his way to Draco’s side.
“Draco I…” Harry began, but Draco just smiled and took off his cloak.
“Harry, I know you just became single again, but I think we better get married.” Harry started to laugh. He put his hands on Draco’s swollen stomach then looked up in disbelief.
“Draco?”
“Yes, Harry it’s your baby, yours and mine. Of course, you could take my name instead if you don’t mind being Harry Malfoy.”
Harry bit back his emotions which threatened to overtake him… “Whatever you want Draco, but how did you know I’d win?”
“It didn’t matter if you’d won or not, but I am a Slytherin so I made sure that bitch got what she deserved.” Remus and Ron came up to the two lovers and saw Draco’s condition. They were laughing and offering their congratulations when Severus strode in, with a wicked grin on his face.
“Severus?” Remus asked pointedly, clearly wondering where his lover had been during the proceedings.
“That’s Healer Ross to you,” Severus whispered.
“Polyjuice!” Harry cried and in a very uncharacteristic show of happiness threw his arms around Severus.
“Hey, it was my idea too!” Draco complained.
Harry pulled off the shocked and stunned Severus pushing him toward Remus, who held him up since he looked ready to pass out.
They all began laughing and apparated away for a victory celebration.
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