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Tom knew that Chakotay was probably getting read the riot act from the EMH and quelled the urge to do so on his own. He hated hearing that Chakotay was running that stupid program again. It wasn’t that he thought the Commander couldn’t take it. The Commander was strong, fast and agile. It was more how he hated fixing him up and seeing the damage he was doing to himself. It was sort of self-mutilation, that in and of itself, was practically a crime given how drop dead gorgeous the man was. And admittedly, he was concerned about what was driving the Commander to that point. Didn’t he know how many people on board the ship cared about him?
His attention was diverted as Chakotay entered the bridge at the same time a memo flashed on his screen from the Doctor to keep an “especially close eye on the Commander”. Tom turned to look at Chakotay and instantly became very concerned. He looked wild eyed. It was then he felt the ship shift under his fingers. Bringing his attention back to full, he realized he’d done the stupidest thing possible and allowed them to slip into the chaotic space. He cursed himself over and over. It would have been fairly easy to avoid, but his mind had been on Chakotay. Sighing, he knew deep down that if it had been B’Elanna it wouldn’t have taken so much of his attention. It didn’t make sense. Was he sexually attracted to the Commander, just as he seemed to be taking leave of his senses? It would figure. Today was a Murphy ’s Law kind of day.
From behind him, he sensed something was wrong besides the fact he’d flown them into this section of space. Then he saw the look on Chakotay’s face. It was apparent by his gestures and mumbling that he was hearing things again and seeing them, just as the Doctor warned. Tom jumped to his feet just as Chakotay’s behavior became erratic, confirming his fears. “Medical emergency!” He shouted into his com and went over to try and assist subduing the commander.
Tom made sure to be there when the Commander woke, even thought the EMH had it covered. As he held him down he heard what he assumed to be the ramblings of a mad man. “Like my grandfather, my Spirit is in pain. It’s what my Spirit wants, where it lives. Can’t trust friends, Tom don’t turn away. I have to do this for B’Elanna.”
The words both shook and scared the Ensign in equal measure. He leaned over the Commander holding him down and trying to keep him from thrashing too much. Watching him like this was breaking his heart. When the EMH convinced Chakotay to try talk to the voices, Tom couldn’t help worrying how things would turn out.
It had been a long day for everyone. Tom had gone to his quarters to try to make sense of it all and Chakotay decided to do the same through some meditation. It didn’t take long for him to achieve the right state.
“Grandfather. I spoke to them.” He sat next to him feeling proud he’d conquered his fears.
“I know, but you didn’t hear the entire message.” His grandfather touched a butterfly, smiling down at it when it climbed into his hand.
Chakotay became alarmed. “But we’re out of Chaotic space. I did what they said!”
His grandfather turned to him and touched his tattoo with affection then repeatedly jabbed his chest. “It is still here because you ignored the messages for your heart. You don’t remember the truths you discovered.”
Chakotay frowned. “What do you mean, Grandfather? The alien’s message was how to free the ship.”
“And the message for you was to free your heart and mind, let go of the control and your fear to be who you really are and show your love before it’s too late.”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“I know. Maybe you are too young. Maybe the voices will come back.” His grandfather stood, raising his arm so that the butterfly could catch a breeze.
“No, Grandfather, please tell me.” Chakotay put his head in his hands feeling helpless.
“Think, Chakotay. It will come to you.” At this his Grandfather walked into cave and Chakotay sat and thought about what his Grandfather and the aliens had said.
It was true what he feared was losing control, especially of his heart. He had an image to maintain aboard Voyager. What would people think if he let his true nature out?
Closing his eyes he sought out the vision of who his Spirit called for. When he opened them he saw visions of Tom Paris: Tom, the recent ex-con, who had saved his life on the Ocampa home world, Paris the prankster who had his rations docked more than once and Ensign Paris the new stripped down, humble version. Sadness filled his heart at Tom’s loss of rank. He’d seen how hard he worked for it and been so proud.
Part of his rational mind said he must be mistaken. But his heart and Spirit it to be true. Chakotay was scared, hell downright terrified to tell Tom. What could he say? “Hi, I know I’ve been an ass for years, but I think I could love you.” Granted, they’d become friends of sorts, but it wasn’t anything like what Tom and Harry shared.
B’Elanna would want him at the end of a pike for even thinking of Tom, much less realizing he wanted a relationship with him. She was one territorial Klingon and had been since their days in the Maquis together. They had been friends for a long time. But this would surely end it and end it fast. And deep down he knew it would hurt B’Elanna. He didn’t want that. He was scared and confused and needed to clear his head.
Ending the meditation he decided to exorcise his demons by boxing. On the way to the Holodeck, the Captain spotted him and decided if he was well enough to fight he was well enough to be back on the bridge and retracted the two days off and ordered him to duty the following morning. He agreed because he didn’t really have anything else to do or anyone to do anything with for that matter. He was alone and lonely.
As Chakotay started to box, the thought of being so alone haunted him and the words of the visions the aliens created start to come back. He slugged out his confusion, his fear and concerns. He hit his opponent with self-loathing and anger. Pent-up sexual tension was spent in some well-delivered upper cuts. A dam of feelings burst through him and he directed it all into a flurry of blows, finally ending in a cross-jab that sent his opponent to the mat.
When he looked down in satisfaction at his fallen foe, a new sense of determination filled him that he could do this and be happy. He would try to put his Spirit at rest. It was time to talk to Tom. But first he went to his quarters to clean up. When he was done he tapped his badge.
“Computer, locate Ensign Paris.” Chakotay had a hard time saying ‘ensign’. Hopefully, Tom would earn his next promotion soon. Pride filled him at the thought.
The computer replied. “Ensign Paris is in his quarters.”
“Chakotay to Paris.”
“Everything okay, Chakotay?” Tom’s voice cracked with alarm.
“Yes, it is. I wondered if I could stop by and talk to you privately for a few minutes.”
“Uh, yeah, sure. I’ll be here.” Tom sounded confused.
Wanting to put Tom and ease and thinking it might help the conversation he added. “Replicate up some beers. I’ve worked up a thirst.”
“Sure thing!”
Chakotay took his time walking to Tom’s quarters. He had a lot to say and wasn’t all that sure how to say it. But that was part of the fear he had to face, right? After all, he couldn’t control everything. Maybe Tom could help. No matter what, Chakotay was going to face this head on and see it through.
Upon arrival, Tom met him at the door with a beer in hand and a smile on his face. “Come in, Chakotay, come in.”
Chakotay sat down on the couch and took a good long pull on his beer. “I’m sorry to just drop in like this. You weren’t busy were you?”
Tom sat on a chair opposite to him. “No problem. Are you feeling okay? That was some ordeal you went through. You were even talking while boxing your hallucination. But none of it made any sense.”
“I was?” Chakotay sat forward. “Do you remember what I said?”
“How could I forget? You said that, ‘like your Grandfather your Spirit was in pain.
It’s all about what Spirit wants, where it lives. And not being able to trust friends. Some how you thought I’d turned my back on you.” Tom shook his head at this. “And then you said you were doing it for B’Elanna, whatever that means.”
Chakotay’s hands began to shake, as the pieces fit together. Tom lifted the mug from his hands without Chakotay even realizing he’d sat by him on the couch, much less taken by the glass. Tom set it on a nearby table and took the Commanders trembling hands in his own with concern.
Chakotay was staring out into space and Tom was just about to call for site-to-site transport to Sickbay when the big man turned to look at him. “I need to tell you something, Tom and I hope it doesn’t change our friendship.”
“You can tell me anything, Chakotay. I’d like to think you knew that by now.”
He took a deep breath and tried to explain. “My Spirit is in pain because it seeks the company of another, I know that now. And even here on Voyager, I don’t trust many people. There are things about me no one knows. And I don’t want to hurt any one. I don’t want to lose the respect people have for me.” Chakotay rubbed his hair. “I’m not doing this very well.”
“Have some more beer.” Tom toasted him and took another gulp. “I’m with you so far. You don’t want to lose control and you’re afraid of what people will think of you.”
“In a way yes, but it’s the people I am closest to I most fear of hurting or disappointing.”
“You said you didn’t want to hurt B’Elanna. What did you mean by that?”
Chakotay stared down at their hands. “B’Elanna would never talk to me again if she knew how I felt.”
Tom put his drink down. “You’re in love with B’Elanna.”
“NO! I mean, no, not B’Elanna, but someone very close to her.” Chakotay’s eyes bore into his own and his grip tightened. Fear pulsed through him. He was putting everything on the line, his career, his friendships, and his reputation. He saw the exact moment in Tom’s eyes when he understood.
Tom was silent for a moment, then stood and began to pace. “I think she knows. She wanted to just be friends again. We broke up two weeks ago. It’s just not widely known.” He sat back down next to Chakotay. “I think I knew too, somehow or at least hoped.”
“You aren’t mad?”
Tom laughed loudly at this while shaking his head. “Mad that the best looking guy on the ship has a crush on me? I’d have to be mad to be mad!” He brought up their newly joined hands and kissed Chakotay’s hand. “If I was mad about anything, it’s that you’re still boxing.”
“You care?”
“Darn right I do and I’ve got to admit, it scares the hell out of me to see you so banged up.”
Chakotay smiled, raised their hands and kissed Tom’s. “So where do we go from here?”
“I have to get back to the bridge soon, but I have tomorrow off.”
Chakotay tapped his badge. “Chakotay to Janeway.”
“Commander?”
“I wondered if I could have that extra day after all. I have some personal matters to attend to.” He smiled at Tom.
Hearing the smile in his voice she replied, “Granted.”
“Thank you, Captain.”
“You can fill me in later, Chakotay, Janeway out.”
Tom clapped his hands together, rubbing them together with a wink. It was then that Chakotay realized that Tom’s playful nature was probably just what he needed. Gods, why did it take him so long to listen?
Chakotay rose to his feet and Tom walked him to the door. Turning he pulled Tom into his arms, feeling his strength flow through him. He felt the connection between them and the rightness of it. “I’ll see you tomorrow then?”
Tom pulled away and looked seriously into deep brown eyes. “And every day after that, doctors orders.”
Closing his eyes, Chakotay let go of the last of his control. He opened them to see blue eyes dazzling him with emotion. “Whatever you say, Tom, I’m all yours.” And as he said them he felt his Spirit take flight on wings of love.
Mixed Messages by Keikokin [ - ]
Author's Chapter Notes:
Disclaimer: Star Trek: Voyager is the property of Paramount. No maliciousness is intended in any way, shape or form. No profit is being made from this fic.
Chapter End Notes:
If anyone knows where I can whet my appetite with some new Chakotay/Paris please let me know!
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