Inner Demons
by: Keikokin
Rodney stared blankly at the screen. He rubbed at his eyes and tried to refocus. Shaking his head, he got up and went for a cup of what resembled coffee. He sat back down, then stood up and began to pace.
“You need a change, McKay,” an amused voice echoed from the doorway. Rodney sighed and glared at where Sheppard was leaning in the doorway. He was even slow enough on the uptake that Sheppard was able to make another statement before Rodney could blind him with his sharp retort. Or at least he hoped he had a sharp retort, he was too close to apathetic to be sure.
“Come on, McKay, get some rest and maybe tomorrow we’ll have a new mission. If you want I’ll even share some cream liquor with you to help you sleep.”
Rodney blinked. “You have cream liquor and you’ve been holding out?” Bastard, he thought.
Major Sheppard shrugged. “You won’t find out unless you leave your lab.”
Rodney made some derogatory comments about idiotic Majors, but dutifully turned off his computer and followed Sheppard out of the lab. “Gee, you’re very cooperative tonight, just for that maybe I’ll think of something else to do.”
“It’s hardly within the realm of human imagination to believe anything that you ‘think up’ will be the least bit amusing to my vastly superior intellect,” Rodney responded, but it lacked his usual punch and missed the mark. Sheppard’s eyebrows rose at the lack of zest in his team mate, but decided it was best to let it be.
After arriving in the Major’s quarters, Rodney took a moment to look around. It was sparse and neat with that damned book on the nightstand; otherwise nothing to reveal the man behind the wings. Pouring out two shot glasses, he placed the bottle between them and clinked it against Rodney’s receiving only a roll of the eyes for his effort.
“What is wrong with you, McKay?” John asked while filling their glasses again.
Rodney sighed and stared down into the glass. “It’s stupid.”
“It can’t be if it’s done this to you,” John replied earnestly.
“I have no idea what you are referring to, Major,” Rodney replied quietly.
John stabbed a finger at Rodney’s chest, “See that’s what I’m talking about. Where’s that fire, that arrogant bastard I know so well? You aren’t acting like you.” Rodney shrugged grabbed the bottle and poured himself another shot. “Geez McKay, I can’t even get a rise out of you anymore. Even Radek is worried. Cavanaugh is waiting for you to go nuclear.”
“I’m fine,” Rodney replied and noticed to his satisfaction he was starting to feel the liquor and poured himself another. He didn’t want to talk about this. He didn’t know what to say. It was a funk and it would pass in time.
“I feel it, too,” Sheppard said looking away. Rodney’s head snapped up in surprise. “It’s like a giant empty hole that just grows bigger every day, taking away life with it.”
Rodney nodded and looked away. “I don’t know how much longer I can stand it.”
“It all started with Ford and Teyla getting together,” John sighed. “Are we jealous?”
“No, Amazon warriors that can kick my ass are not on my ‘things I want to do before I die’ list.” Rodney remarked.
“You have a list, too?” John smiled, fiddled in a pocket and pulled out a very worn out sheet.
“Oh God,’ Rodney moaned pulled out his PDA and tapped on it until his list came up. Wordlessly they exchanged lists. Rodney’s eyes scanned over John’s list surprised at the number of things that were there. “I thought you’d done everything.”
Sheppard looked over Rodney’s list. “And I thought yours wouldn’t be this simple for a genius like you to solve.”
Rodney felt a reserve of indignation flow through him. “It is not a simple list. For a man like me finding a person to do all that with is almost impossible. Where on Atlantis, am I going to find someone clever, witty, good looking and, well… hot?”
“Broaden your horizons, Doc,” Sheppard grinned and leaned over to kiss Rodney. It was simple, just a brushing of lips over lips, but Rodney jumped back as if scalded. He jumped up and ran from the room. As he sprinted away he overheard a muttered curse from Sheppard, but didn’t stop.
Rodney avoided John, and everyone else in Atlantis, from that point on like the plague. He was in turn furious and depressed; furious for Sheppard to come on to him when he was in such a deep misery and furious because the sadness was not just driving him to distraction anymore -- it was trying to drown him. He’d managed to closet himself in an out of the way lab.
One day he heard a voice dragging his mind away from the work he’d been trying to focus on so hard. “Rodney?” Dr. Elizabeth Weir stood in the doorway, her face pinched and looking concerned.
“I’m rather busy,” Rodney replied glancing in her direction.
She strode over with her arms crossed over her chest. “Rodney, I’m worried about you. What’s going on? Do you need to talk?”
Rodney sighed. “I’ll be fine. Now please, I have work to do.”
“Is that why you’ve basically gone into self-imposed exile? I’m here for you to talk to, Rodney. I could order you into therapy, but I’d rather not,” Elizabeth tried to smile.
Waving his hand dismissively Rodney said, “No need, it’s well documented that with great genius comes swings of great depression. I was simply overdue. At least it’s giving me a chance to catch up on things. But since you’re here, I think it best if I step down from my position on the team.”
“What?!” Elizabeth sat down. “Talk to me, Rodney.”
“Humph, the last person that offered to do that…” Rodney looked away and bit his lip.
“What did they do, Rodney?” Elizabeth asked softly.
Rodney shuddered and put his head down into his hands. “They pretended that they understood what I was going through and then…”
“Then what?” Elizabeth almost whispered.
“They made a pass at me!” Rodney shouted jumping up causing the stool he was sitting on to clatter to the ground.
Elizabeth drew back in surprise, biting back a smile. “I take it this was bad?”
“Yes, best friends don’t do that! At least I thought we were best friends. How can I ever go back to that? How can I trust anyone after that?” Rodney was still shouting pacing back and forth.
Suspicion filled Elizabeth’s mind and she didn’t like the conclusion it came up with. But all the clues pointed to the same person: Major John Sheppard. It also explained the Major’s sudden interest in going to help out on the mainland. Sheppard had gone to lick his wounds. It wasn’t that she was against homosexual relationships; it was just that she knew the risk they were both taking.
“Maybe they weren’t doing it to get to you, Rodney. Just suppose that this friend of yours has feelings for you. This avoiding them and everyone else isn’t good for either of you.”
“Oh don’t be ridiculous. Who could-” Rodney sighed and leaned over a sink. “Who could ever…I mean come on.”
“Rodney, there’s more to you than a brilliant mind. Just because you’re not a Greek god doesn’t mean that there aren’t women or men out there that are attracted to you. Evidently your friend saw through all your faults to what lies within and was willing to risk it to let you know.” She rose from her seat, patted him on the back and left him alone once more in the lab to think.
* * * *
An hour later she was on the mainland looking for Sheppard. It was nice to see the Athosians again and she scolded herself for not visiting more. The Athosians had made great progress in the rebuilding of their culture. It took her awhile to track Sheppard down, and she almost laughed out loud when she found out from the villagers that he was surfing.
Soon she was scanning the beach and found him paddling through the water trying to catch a wave. “Major!” she yelled and waved to get his attention. He made what she supposed was the surfing gesture for ‘be right there’ and rode in the next wave. She applauded when he jogged onto shore in a pair of cut off jeans with a homemade surfboard under his arm. “Very nice, Major, apparently you weren’t kidding about your surfing days after all.”
John smiled tightly, but it was forced. “Do you need me back at the city?”
“I don’t, no, but someone else does,” she looked at him pointedly.
Exhaling sharply John said, “You know.” Elizabeth nodded. He hung his head before looking up with resolve. “I’ll tender my resignation in the morning.”
“Will you stop it, John!” Elizabeth yelled no longer able to keep a cap on her emotions. She ran a hand through her hair in agitation. “Sorry. Look, you are both being moronic about this. Please just talk to him. He thinks, well he thought you were trying to be sympathetic just to get some action. John, he feels like you betrayed your friendship. But it’s more than that, isn’t it?”
John’s mouth fell open, so Elizabeth continued holding up her hands as if to keep him calm. “I spoke to him, but it’s not enough. You need to talk to him. I can’t have my top people like this, John. I need you. Atlantis needs you. “
“What the hell can I possibly say to him? ‘Oh sorry, Rodney, I thought you were human and might want to act it for once?’”
For the second time that day Elizabeth saw red. She smacked John hard across the face. “How. Dare. You.” Pointing to the city with a shaking hand she yelled," Rodney has barricaded himself off from the rest of the city! Thanks to you he doesn’t feel that he can trust anyone! He’s so damn depressed I’m scared for him, and all you can think of is your pride and your damn libido!”
John gaped at her and cupped a hand to his face in shock. “He what?”
She half-growled and half-sighed in exasperation. “You heard me. Now, either you get back and talk to him -- and I don’t give a god damn what you say -- but you put him back together. Or I will bring you up on charges so fast that smack in the face will be child’s play.”
“What?” John reeled back. “You wouldn’t. It was one isolated incident. You can’t.”
“Watch me,” Elizabeth snapped.
“Listen to yourself.” John shot back angry to be forced into a corner like this. “You want me to either get Rodney out of his funk by pulling him into a homosexual relationship or you will bring me up on charges? That doesn’t even make sense!”
“I never condoned a relationship of that sort. But I cannot ignore what this has done to Rodney. How you solve it is your problem. I won’t ask and you won’t tell. You will get Dr. McKay back as a functioning member of Atlantis or I will be forced to take drastic measures. Atlantis cannot afford to lose you both, but let’s face it, Major, out of the two you are the one whom is easier to replace. Do I make myself clear?”
John blinked a few times. “Uh, yes, ma’am.”
She sighed heavily, turning to go, before turning back once more. “I’m sorry, John.” There was real sympathy and still some residual anger in her eyes and John could tell she meant it. He nodded.
* * *
Rodney did his best to stay away from John. He was staying in his lab until all hours with a large “KEEP OUT” sign on the door and so far it seemed to be working. He was sitting in front of his laptop, with his hands steepled in front of him knowing he looked a mess, but since he’d been crying he granted himself this small lapse – plus he was alone.
The hair on the back of his neck stood up and he had the creepy sense he was being watched. Just as he sat upright, cursing his arching muscles John appeared, pulling him off his stool and into his arms, steadfastly refusing to let go when Rodney squirmed in his arms. Finally Rodney stopped struggling and slumped against him, his hands at his side. “I hate you.”
Hearing a sigh Rodney held his breath waiting for the reply. “But I love you.”
Rodney’s head snapped up, nearly cracking John in the head. “You what?”
Cupping Rodney’s face in his hands, the scientist was amazed to see true emotion shine from the normally shuttered eyes. “I love you, Dr. Rodney McKay. You go right on hating me if you want, but I never meant to make things worse for you. I’ll leave the city permanently if only it would snap you out of this.”
Rodney felt warmth flow through him and a silly smile spread across his face. “You mean it.”
Smiling sadly, John nodded. “Yeah, McKay, I do. You don’t have to be so shocked about it.”
A small laugh tugged from deep inside of Rodney. “I thought…oh never mind what I thought.” Rodney released it and laughed out loud. “We’re just like those slash stories!”
“What stories? What are you talking about, McKay?” John grinned as Rodney curled his hands around his neck.
“Slash. It’s homoerotic fiction mostly written by women who have discovered sex with the average male is not all it's cracked up to be.” Rodney explained in a rush. John’s eyebrows shot into his hairline. “Look, most men like to fantasize over two women right? Well, lots of women like to fantasize over two men. Mind you there are the male writers too, but that simply throws off the demographics. Don’t you see it?”
Frowning John asked, “See what?”
Rodney grinned feeling the funk dissipate rapidly. He pointed at John’s chest. “Let me explain this in Caveman 101 for you. Me Spock. You Kirk. Get it now?”
“Uh no, not really,” John shook his head, but he was grinning widely. “Oh wait, you mean people wrote stories about Kirk doing it with Spock?”
“Yes! Isn’t it great? Ha! I bet I can dig up a zine for you. I must have one story on a disc if nothing else.” Rodney crowed then pulled John into a kiss that made John’s knees go weak. Sheppard almost fell to the floor as Rodney shoved him away still smiling. “Oh this is great. I’ll go find one for you. Besides it will make good reference material. Come along, Major.” Rodney gestured over his shoulder.
“Huh? Rodney? Where are we going? What are you talking about reference material?” John took a few long steps to catch up with Rodney as he headed out of the lab.
“Duh, Major! How can anyone be so good looking and so slow at the same time, honestly?” Rodney shook his head not noticing the huge grin John sported at the back handed compliment.
“You think I’m good looking?” John questioned happily.
“Hello, flyboy? What? Do you not have a mirror in your quarters?” Rodney shook his head. “Buy a clue with your next pay, would you please?”
John laughed. “Hey thanks, Rodney. I think you’re pretty hot, too.”
Rodney stopped, turned and smiled at John. “Really?”
“Hell yeah. I want you something fierce,” John growled just as Zelenka came around the corner. He’d obviously heard and turned pale.
“Of course you do. What do you think the reference material is for? Really, Major, I know you need a manual,” Rodney chided turned and almost ran into Radek. “Oh hello, don’t you have work to do? Get out of our way. We’re about to have hot sex and there is nothing that will keep me from my obligations to keeping Atlantis’ military commander happy. Now move.”
Radek’s eyes went wide, but he smiled noticing Rodney was back to himself. John loped like a happy puppy after Rodney. “Better you than me, Major. You are very brave.”
John winked and dashed after McKay. Rodney didn’t care if the city knew by sundown if it meant he could have John so he continued on regardless of who might hear, “ -so various positions for pleasuring another male can often be found in the pages of a story. Really quite inventive as long as you get past the one finger, two fingers, thrust writers.”
Unfortunately, it was Aiden they ran into next. He looked ready to laugh. “I’m sorry, but it sounded like you were talking about…”
“Oh yeah,’ John grinned. Aiden paled. “You don’t need me for anything, do you, Ford? ‘Cause I’m going to be really busy.”
Rodney pushed between them, grabbed John’s arm and glared at Aiden. “Mine, get your own boy toy, he’s taken.” He pulled John away; kissing him soundly, while it looked like poor Ford was about to go into anaphylactic shock.
With a pleased nod, Rodney pushed John away and began to drag him down the hall again. “Hey Ford!” John called back, still wearing that shit-eating grin on his face. “Tell Weir we’ve made up, would ‘ya!?”
“Major!” Rodney chided with a smile, a smile that stayed on both their faces as Rodney dragged a very willing Major John Sheppard into his quarters and the door closed behind them.
* * *
Inner Demons by Keikokin [ - ]
Story Notes:
This has been sitting on my hard drive after being published. I'm not sure why.
Author's Chapter Notes:
This is more of a hinted relationship or pre-slash, whichever you prefer. SGA does not belong to me. No maliciousness was intended in any way, shape or form. Thanks to Dream Howler for the edits! 03/2014
Chapter End Notes:
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