2/28/2005
3,735 words
If you love something, set it free
By Kenaf
Daniel watched over the top of his book as Jack flipped through channels looking for something to watch. With a sigh he tossed the remote down on the coffee table. He leaned over his knees resting his elbows on them and sighed again. Daniel raised an eyebrow and lowered his book, which he had only begun to read in self-defense of the inevitable hockey game that followed their occasional Friday get-togethers.
It had been a long time coming, Daniel thought looking over at his friend. Jack had been acting off for a few weeks. Their Friday night pizza and a movie or hockey had dwindled as a result. Luckily, Daniel had found something to occupy himself with or else it would have torn him apart. Little did the man in front of him know but Daniel had been in love with him for a long time now. But the feelings never seemed to be reciprocated. Seeing the sad man in front of him, he decided it was time to a friend.
“Jack? What is it and don’t even try to bullshit me either, I know you too well,” Daniel put his book down and leaned forward. ‘Mirror the person you want to talk to Psych 101’ he thought idly.
“Yeah, you think you do but I can bet you that this will blow your mind,” Jack shook his head.
“Try me,” Daniel leaned back showing he was open to listen.
“Look I suck at this words thing, you know that. It’s your bag, not mine,” Jack groused. He stood up suddenly and started to pace.
“Should we play charades?” Daniel teased hoping to break the tension that had suddenly filled the room.
“Stick to your day job, leave the jokes to me space monkey,” Jack flashed a grin then stood next to Daniel. “Okay, stand up.” He put out a hand to help Daniel out of the chair he was seated in and Daniel stood up warily.
“What is it Jack, your starting to worry me,” Daniel said putting a hand on Jack’s arm in an effort to comfort him.
“Damn it!” Jack turned away quickly. Daniel’s face furrowed into one of concern.
“Jack, please whatever it is just tell me.” Jack didn’t say anything and Daniel felt his stomach drop. “Oh, I get it. You don’t want to be friends anymore. That’s it isn’t it? I can take a hint. “Daniel turned to go but didn’t get his coat all the way on before Jack grabbed him by the shoulders.
“Damnit. You really want to fucking know? It’s not that I don’t want to be friends Daniel. I want MORE than that! OH for crying out loud!” He yelled seeing Daniel’s confusion.
Jack pulled Daniel to him and kissed him hard. He poured every ounce of feeling he had into the kiss and Daniel whimpered. Jack feared being rejected, or being hit. The last thing he expected was to suddenly taste tears. He pulled back.
“Oh god Daniel. I’m sorry.” He reached out to brush away Daniel’s tear.
Daniel took off his glasses and tucked them away shaking from head to toe. “Danny?”
“You fucking bastard!! WHY Jack? WHY NOW??” Daniel sobbed.
“Huh?” Jack reeled as if being slapped. But Daniel followed him stalking him like a lion hunts its prey. It made Jack uneasy to see this side of Daniel.
“WHY NOW! I WAITED FOR YEARS AND NOW YOU DECIDE TO KISS ME?? NOW?? YOU GOD DAMNED FUCKING BASTARD!” Daniel sobbed and dropped to his knees. His shoulders slumped and Jack could tell the fight had gone out of him.
“Look I’m sorry if the timing was all wrong but I…I meant it…I’ve wanted to do that for a long time,” Jack said softly shoving his hands in his pockets at a complete loss.
“OH god Jack what am I going to do?” Daniel choked out still sobbing on the floor.
“About us?” Jack asked, still trying to figure out what was happening.
“Sit down here you idiot.” Daniel ordered and Jack shrugged and sat down putting an arm around the man tentatively.
“What the hell,” Daniel snapped and leaned back into Jack’s arm. “Gawd, how I’ve wanted this but let me tell you Jack O’Neill, your timing SUCKS!”
“Can I buy a clue here or what?” Jack snapped in exasperation.
“This is why you started to push me away isn’t it?” Daniel looked up and saw Jack nod in response. “Well I didn’t know that Jack. I thought I lost you and our friendship, just by being too annoying!”
“Aw Danny you really thought that?” Jack ran a hand through his hair and with his other free hand held Daniel tighter.
“Yes and here’s the kicker. I convinced myself to move on that you would never feel that way about me,” Daniel continued.
Jack felt the floor wash away from beneath him. “There’s someone else isn’t there?” Daniel’s head fell forward. Jack felt sick. “How long?”
“A few weeks, a month maybe…he …he loves me,” Daniel felt ill.
“WHO?” Jack demanded suddenly furious. Daniel was his damnit!!
“Yeah,” Daniel sniffed. “I tell you and you kill him. No thanks. It’s bad enough I’m going to have to break it off…”
“For me?” Jack asked softly as he silently pleaded to every angel he could name.
“Of course for you! I’m in love with you Jack!” Daniel shook his head. “Didn’t you fucking figure that out?”
Jack looked down feeling stupid and ashamed. “Hold your horse’s camper. Maybe I’m not the best thing for you.”
“What?” Daniel looked at Jack in surprise.
“I care a lot about you Danny, hell I think I always have but I don’t know for sure that I’d call it love exactly.” Jack gulped. “If this guy loves you and you think you could love him back then maybe…”
“Don’t even say it Jack. So help me if you say it I’ll deck you right here.” Daniel ground out between his teeth. “I AM in love with you. If I had any damn idea that you even remotely felt the same I NEVER would have started to date.”
“So where does this leave us?” Jack asked turning to look into Daniel’s blue eyes.
“Would you wait Jack?” Daniel asked. “I might not see him for a while and I want to do this in person.”
“Daniel I don’t mind waiting. Hell, I’d wait forever for you but I still don’t feel right about this. This might be the guy for you. Please give this relationship a try, that way when and,” Jack gulped, “if you come back to me then there will be no ‘what-ifs’ hanging over our heads.
“But Jack!” Daniel threw himself into Jack’s arms. “No! Don’t you see I don’t want to be with him! I want to be with you!”
“Danny how long did you picture us being together?” Jack asked softly rubbing Daniel’s back.
“Always Jack, always,” Daniel answered softly. “Maybe even running off to Canada after you retire and get married, silly huh?”
Jack closed his eyes picturing it, growing old with Daniel, being married to Daniel and never leaving his side again. It gave him resolution that what he was doing was right. “I like that idea Daniel, but only with you. I don’t want some relationship where you will always wonder if the grass is greener on the other side. It’s the right thing to do.”
Daniel sighed into Jack’s arms. They sat there hugging until the floor got to be too much for Jack’s knees. Daniel put on his coat. Putting a hand on Jack’s face Daniel said softly, “When I come back it’s for keeps.” He turned, grabbed his coat and left, leaving Jack to hope he’d done the right thing.
Part II: Time Passes by So Slowly
When you want something to happen, it’s a universal truth that time will pass by so slowly as to drive you insane. At the moment no one knew that better than Jack O’Neill.
True, Daniel had said that he might not see the guy he was dating for awhile and he wanted to break it off in person. Besides what if he did give the guy a chance? Jack had to admit he could be waiting a very long time if not forever.
Jack did his best to stay friendly with Daniel although it was killing him softly inside. Just being near Daniel did funny things to his heart. It often seemed to skip a beat, or just stop completely after a few days; Jack had to admit he was a goner. He was in love with Daniel Jackson. Maybe he always had been but was never forced to admit it.
Every mission, each briefing, anything they did together at work was painful. After a two weeks, Daniel seemed to come to realize that it was hurting Jack terribly. So Daniel took to hiding in his office and staying clear of the other man.
It was obvious to both Sam and Teal’c that something big had happened between Jack and Daniel. Jack used to touch Daniel all the time. Pats on the shoulder, rubbing his hair but now they rarely got within a few feet of each other. Daniel was back to hugging himself and Jack was getting snappy.
Major Davis turned up on base one day and Jack wondered if this was Daniel’s lover. He was so cold to the Major that icicles fairly dripped off of their brief conversation, Sure enough, the Major made a beeline for Daniel’s office soon afterwards. Jack went to the target range to get some of the anger out of his system.
Why did I tell Daniel to give it a chance? Why didn’t I tell him how I felt sooner?
The thoughts in his head went round and round as he blasted the targets to shreds.
“Easy there sir, I think it’s dead!” Sam yelled from her booth next door. Jack looked at her then back at the target realizing there was a shower of confetti at the other end of the range. With a scowl Jack called up another target and reduced that one to shreds as well. Sam shook her head and hoped whatever was going on would soon end. Even she could tell his fuse was running low.
Jack sat down and put his head in his hands. He was trying to push his feelings down. Part of him wanted to go find Davis and zat him. He’d been trying so hard to hide his feelings for Daniel and then to find out he was with someone else? It was all too much. Jack wanted to scream, punch, and just do anything to get the rage out. Daniel was probably in his office right now kissing that jerk from the Pentagon giving him a second chance.
Realizing he needed to distance himself from the situation he sought out the General in his office. “Colonel?”
“General, I’d like to request some leave.” Jack asked seriously.
“That’s good to hear. I was about to find you to demand you take some time off. Do you mind telling me what’s made you so edgy?”
“It’s personal sir.” Jack supplied hanging his head.
“Headed to the cabin?” George asked knowingly.
“Yes sir.” George nodded. “Request approved. How long Jack, a week?”
“At least sir,” Jack sighed.
George frowned. Jack wasn’t one to let things get to him. Yet here he stood shaken, angry and looking almost like he was going to cry or tear someone a new orifice. “Keep in touch son.” With a nod of thanks and promise to bring his phone Jack locked up his office and headed for the surface as fast as the elevator would take him.
As Jack headed for his car he happened to see a very happy looking Major Davis getting into a government sedan. His rage was palatable. He spit out the bile he could taste.
Well, what did you expect? Idiot! You told Daniel to give it a chance and of course he did! Are you happy now O’Neill? You stupid shit! Daniel admits he loves you and you go all noble on him. What the hell were you thinking? Maybe it’s time to retire again, with your tail between your legs?
All the way to the cabin Jack’s thoughts never left Daniel, no matter how hard he tried. When he looked out at the lake his tired eyes saw only the blue eyes of the archeologist in the blue waters. He ate his supplies and cleaned out the cabin while he thought of dusty old artifacts and the long fingers that caressed them. By the middle of the night, he started to consider making Major Davis disappear permanently from the face of the earth.
The next morning dawned cold and rainy; a perfect match for Jack’s mood, which was at an all time low. He’d come to the conclusion distance really did make the heart grow fonder. Leaning against the mantle, watching the flames of the fire flicker he laughed sarcastically at himself. He’d only been fooling himself to think that a moment to himself would help him get his emotions under control. For crying out loud, he was a career military man and he was mooning over a man!
Yet, what a man! Daniel was like a walking piece of art. His eyes were a piercing blue that showed everything in his heart. He was truthful to a fault, having never once lied in all the time Jack knew him. Yes, he could be irritating but it was usually for a moral ideal that Jack had lost so long ago that it took Daniel’s pestering to remind him that such things still existed in the world. Daniel had saved his life and soul after he’d lost Charlie. Jack hung his head.
He sat down and using his cell phone called up several old buddies just to get his mind off things. In this manner he managed to kill a few hours before he realized how pathetic he must sound to everyone. His old friends had moved on, heck some of them even had grandkids now. Jack let his fingers run over the picture of Charlie on the mantle. Maybe in some alternate mirror universe Charlie was still alive and getting married or calling him to tell him he was a grandfather. Jack put the picture away turning swiftly as if to distance the pain of the accident.
Jack next looked over his pictures of old military friends, medals and plaques he’d received. He laughed inwardly. What would all those people think now knowing he’d thrown his entire future into the hands of a scientist that he was in love with? Not just any geek either, no it had to be a man, and a brilliant one way out of his league. Daniel was a taboo in every way, hell they were on the same team and Jack his CO. Jack knew he could face a court martial if it got out.
What am I thinking? I need to snap out of it! Daniel was humoring me! He’ll never leave Davis. Who am I kidding? Davis is years younger than I am. He’s got a career in Washington close to all those fancy museums. Daniel could get a place there, a job in one of the Smithsonian museums and settle down with Davis. Why would he want a broken down, gray haired, wrinkled old washed up has been Colonel?
The rain let up and Jack went to chop some wood, then bring it in to dry. Then he grabbed his fishing pole and a six pack and went out on the lake hoping to catch some trout before the sun went down. It was ironic that when he wasn’t in the mood to really fish he’d caught six trout in less than an hour. Jack shook his head at the fact no one would believe him as he cleaned them in the dwindling light of day. He froze a few then saved one out for dinner and stuck the rest in the refrigerator.
Jack wished once again he had a dog to keep him company on trips like this. It would be nice to have some company...like Daniel. “SHUT UP ALREADY!” Jack yelled loudly. The echo reverberated around the cabin. Jack walked over and turned on the radio. He found the station with opera and cranked it. The story was sad and filled with anguish, self-loathing and angst. Jack found himself singing along loudly.
He continued to drink beer after beer, the trout long forgotten. Jack knew he was getting drunk but what did it matter? It wasn’t like he had a wife to report to, the General would call and then wait until morning. And Daniel, for all he knew he was plastered up against Davis right now fucking him in some sleazy motel room.
Yeah, he’s not good enough for Danny. He’s just going to use him and toss him aside. Stupid Washington dick, hell I bet even my dick is bigger than his! Davis, what the hell did Daniel ever see in that shit head? Even the General doesn’t like him and George likes everyone!
Jack checked the fire, and turned off the radio. Feeling nothing but pleasantly plastered he fell into bed. In his dreams however, he held Daniel close to him. He could smell Daniel’s aftershave, his shampoo hell he could ever feel the stubble on his cheeks. Jack knew it was only a dream, but if it was the only way that he could have Daniel Jackson so be it. He wasn’t going to complain.
With a groan Jack awoke the next morning holding his head. There was a horrible pounding in his head. Then he recalled the beer he’d drunk last night. Wow, how much was it? Let’s see six pack fishing, a few beers before that, a few beers after that. Jack winced as he remembered tossing out at least a 12 of beer bottles. It had been a long time since he drank that much and it hurt. Gawd it hurt. Not as bad as a zat blast, but pretty damn close. How come they could go to different galaxies but not cure the common hangover. Jack groaned flipping over onto his stomach, and then finally, reluctantly got up to shower to face another day “ without Daniel.
Part III: If it comes back it’s yours…
Jack stumbled out of the shower to answer the phone. He stood naked and dripping searching for a towel while trying to talk.
“O’Neill.”
“O’Neill it is I Teal’c.”
“Hiya Teal’c. What’s going on?”
“I am calling to confirm directions to your cabin.”
“You coming over big guy?”
“I am not at liberty to say. When last I visited your cabin I remember that you were exactly 13.5 miles from the store where you bought supplies. Then it was a right turn down a dirt road. Is that correct?”
“Uh, yeah. Tell me it’s not Davis coming up here. “
“It is not.”
“So when do I need to be dressed by?” Jack held his head hoping he’d at least have a cup of coffee before he had to make nicey-nicey for Carter to butt into his life, or maybe it was even Janet. Maybe the big brass realized he wanted Daniel and were coming to take him away to Leavenworth?
“I would estimate you have half an hour to make ready,” Teal’c estimated.
“Peachy,” Jack hung up the phone.
Jack made some coffee and got dressed. He wondered if he should pack up. If Daniel let it slip to Davis it would be just like Davis to have him arrested. After all it would make Davis look more perfect than before to the big brass.
He started to fry up some trout as he inhaled a handful of Tylenol. His head was just starting to clear when he heard the car pull up outside. As he made another cup of coffee and put away the dish, a knock came to the door. “You know I’m here so come on in.”
Jack had his back to the door, but heard it bang shut. Then he heard a heavy thud.
Oh great I was right, that sounded like a briefcase. It’s the big brass coming to take me away. It would be laughable really since I never even got to do more than kiss him. Daniel Jackson, I always knew you’d be the death of me.
Jack wiped his hands on the kitchen towel then turned to look up at his visitor. For a moment he was sun blind. The sun was streaming in so strongly that the person who’d arrived was just bathed in so much light Jack had to shield his eyes to try to see who it was.
“OH sorry,” the person said shifting off to the side and closing the big door behind them.
Jack blinked in surprise.
“Hi Jack; have any of that for me?” Daniel smiled and pointed at the coffee pot as if he always happened to be at Jack’s cabin during a work week. “The uh, last time you invited me I just had my appendix removed. I thought I might take you up on it if the offer is still open.”
Jack stood rooted to the spot.
“Um, Jack? Coffee? It is alright I just dropped by isn’t it? Jack?”
“Danny why are you here?”
“I told you I’d come back Jack. Why are you so surprised?”
“But Davis was at the base, he was smiling, I thought…”
“He was smiling because he’s happy for us. Paul is a very nice man if you would just give him a chance. I don’t know what I would have done without him during that whole sub crisis.”
“Us? Is there an ‘us’ Danny?”
“I’d like to think so. Do you still love me?” Daniel asked nervously.
“More than ever,” Jack admitted without batting an eyelash.
Daniel smiled. “I missed you Jack, can I stay?”
“Forever if you want to,” Jack grinned pulling Daniel in for a kiss that sealed the deal.
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