Summary: A few moments in time and the spaces left behind.
Rating: PG
Archived: 09/17/05
Notes: Lyrics are from "I Will Remember You" by Amy Grant. The story was in no way actually inspired by the song, but they were helpful with the title. Thank you so much to shortysax for the beta job. Please ask if you'd like to archive this. Thanks.
I will be walking one day
Down a street far away
And see a face in the crowd and smile
Knowing how you made me laugh
Hearing sweet echoes of you from the past
I will remember youLook into my eyes while you're near
Tell me what's happening here
See that I don't want to say good-bye
Our love is frozen in time
I'll be your champion and you will be mine
I will remember you
"It won't be long now."
The words sink into Michael's heart like rusted blades of a knife. The pain is almost unbearable and he feels a shock go through him. He knows the words have to be said, but suddenly he wishes for nothing but silence. For almost fifteen years he has dreaded this moment. In his mind Michael knew it was inevitable but in his heart he refused to give it weight. There are too many memories that could be reduced to ashes if Michael lets himself think of the pain he buried away for so long.
Closing his eyes for a moment Michael lets the feeling of emptiness begin to take hold of him. In his mind's eye Michael imagines himself far away from the hospital room he now sits in.
He imagines being stranded in the middle of a hot desert island all alone. It's been so many years since Michael has felt any sort of real loneliness that he's forgotten how bleak life can look from a certain angle. Ben showed Michael a whole new perspective of the world and he's so grateful. Together they created their own private world and Michael felt so secure there that he sometimes was able to forget the reality of Ben being slowly killed from the inside out.
He isn't ready for a life without Ben. The truth is, he's never wanted to be ready and he has never thought a way in which he ever could be. Michael had let himself picture growing to be an old man with Ben by his side because any other thought wasn't one he could deal with.
"Don't say that." Michael shakes his head at Ben. It isn't right that Ben is giving up now, after fighting for so damned long. Now they have to face the truth, but Michael doesn't want Ben to surrender. "Please don't say that."
Looking at his husband, it is clear Ben is very sick. Ben's skin is pale and his eyes struggle to remain open for long periods of time. Although his breathing is a little ragged, the very fact that Ben still is breathing feels like the greatest gift Michael has ever received. Moving the chair even closer to the bed, Michael takes a hold of Ben's hand and gently strokes his cheek. He doesn't want another second to go by where he is not touching Ben.
"Michael, I have to. There is so much I want to say..."
"No, not now. There will be time later," he insists. He tries to sound certain, to be the strong one like always, but his voice cracks. He doesn't want to break down but he can feel himself beginning to crumble inside. Struggling to pull himself together, Michael presses a kiss to Ben's forehead and says quietly, "There's always time."
"Oh, god, look at me."
Ben comes up behind Michael, wrapping his arms around the smaller man. Looking into the mirror he sees the most beautiful image. Sometimes he has to remind himself that this, his amazing life with Michael, is real and not just a dream. Smiling, he says, "I am looking at you."
"I have wrinkles now. When did I get wrinkles? I'm sure they weren't there yesterday." Michael stares closely into the mirror, rubbing his finger across his forehead.
Ben kisses Michael's cheek. "I hope some of those wrinkles are because of me."
"Yeah, you've made me old."
Chuckling, he replies, "No. You get the ones around your eyes and mouth from smiling."
"Humph. I don't see any wrinkles on you. Does that mean I'm not doing a good job as your husband?"
"I have wrinkles!" Ben protests.
"You do not. You're still perfect. I'll bet you could pass for thirty-five if you wanted."
"I think that's stretching it a little. Maybe thirty-six."
Michael laughs. "And his older lover."
"And his gorgeous lover."
Shaking his head, Michael blushes a little. Ben grins, loving how even after all these years he can still make Michael blush. It constantly amazes him how unaware Michael is of his own attractiveness. No matter how many times Ben tells Michael that he is hot, sexy or adorable, Michael always seems completely surprised by the compliment.
"You know, I kind of like that we're looking older," Ben says after a minute of quiet thought.
Michael snuggles further into Ben's arms and relaxes. "Yeah?"
"I always wanted to grow old with you."
Hunter walks into the hospital with a heavy heart. He tries to clear his mind of dark thoughts but they refuse to leave. Stopping in front of the hospital room, he looks through the glass window to see Michael clutching Ben's hand tightly, whispering something in Ben's ear. A flicker of relief passes over Ben and he visibly relaxes a little. Whatever Michael said brought some comfort. Swallowing, Hunter can feel tears already beginning to well up at the sight of his parents. The pain they are both feeling is palpable, but so is the immense love between them.
When he was a young boy Hunter didn't even understand what the word love really meant. His real mother and father had never shown him love in any sense. As he grew older he would laugh at the very word and scoff at people proclaiming to be in love. It wasn't until Ben and Michael had come into his life and taught him about love that Hunter finally understood that love wasn't only real, it was also very visible. He saw love in every action Ben and Michael took towards him and towards each other.
Earlier Michael had called and asked him to come to the hospital and Hunter had rushed over as soon as possible. Michael's words echoed in his head, "You need to be here, Ben is asking for you." When he'd heard those words Hunter had felt as though his world had collapsed in around him. It was Michael's tone and the hitch in his voice that had haunted Hunter all the way over.
His own fears also began to surface. Although Hunter had remained fairly healthy over the years, determined as he was to live as long as possible, he knew now first hand what the slow ride to death looked like. He was not scared of dying or of pain either. What Hunter feared was being another cause of pain for Michael and his family. He already felt as though he'd put his family through enough without adding something else for them to deal with.
Taking a deep breath Hunter reaches for the door handle, but hesitates as he glances up again to look at Ben and Michael. They both look as though they're locked in their own private universe, the outside world forgotten. Hunter suddenly doesn't want to disturb them or take away this moment they're sharing together.
He promised Ben long ago that he would take care of Michael when he was gone, but that time wasn't here just yet. For now Ben and Michael still have some precious moments left, ones that mean more than anything, and Hunter decides that his own moments can wait. Backing away from the door slowly, Hunter starts to wonder where he can get a good cup of tea. It should take him about fifteen minutes to buy a tea and wander back here.
Fifteen minutes isn't long, but for Ben and Michael it is an eternity.
"They've only been together for six months!" Michael says angrily as he bends to open the oven. "Less if you count the two days they were broken up for." He pulls out the apple pie and dumps it on the bench with a bang.
Ben winces slightly and hands Michael a knife. "But they obviously love each other. What does it matter how long they've been together?" He pauses to observe his husband, who was getting frustrated that the knife was not cutting as smoothly as he wants it to. "You know..." he ventures carefully, coming to stand behind Michael and placing his hands on Michael's shoulders and rubbing, "As I recall, we broke up for a little while, too."
Michael stills and puts down the knife. "He's only twenty-three. Christ, JR isn't even in high school yet and our son is getting married?"
Ben turns Michael around by the shoulders to face him and waits for Michael to meet his eyes. "You like Sarah, right?
"Of course I like her," Michael says. "She's great; she's been so supportive and understanding. I just wonder if they're really ready for marriage. I mean, what's the rush? They are both so young. I certainly wasn't ready for marriage at twenty-three. Heck, I wasn't ready at thirty."
Ben decides it's time to change tracks. "When was that moment again, that you told me you knew I was the person you wanted to spend your life with?"
Michael's eyes narrow. Bastard, he thinks, Ben knows the answer perfectly well. He quickly figures out the point Ben is making. Grudgingly, Michael admits, "Okay, so I knew pretty quickly. And maybe they feel the same way about each other. I'm not saying Hunter doesn't love Sarah, I know he does. I can't help but be a little worried. Isn't that what parents do... worry about their kids?"
Ben's hand comes up to stroke Michael's cheek as he leans his forehead against Michael's. "Maybe Hunter doesn't care what anyone else says or feels. Maybe he just cares how he feels," he says quietly.
Closing his eyes, Michael lets out a soft breath of air. His own words from so long ago surface in his mind and he can't help but soften at the memory. "God, you are so..."
"So?"
Michael could feel Ben's grin. Opening his eyes again, he looks deeply into Ben's eyes. A genuine smile twitches on his face, finally. "I was going to say annoying, but I think I'll settle on amazing." Reaching his hands up to cup Ben's face, Michael leans up for a long kiss. When they part, he sighs. "Okay, Superman, you've got me. I want Hunter to be happy. It's his life and his decision, so as long as she makes him happy then I'll be happy."
Grinning broadly, Ben embraces Michael in a warm hug and kisses the top of his head softly.
Ben knows he is the one who has the easier road to travel. His pain has an end to it. Once his body dies there will be no more hurt or suffering. Ben hates that he is the reason for Michael's pain and he hates to think of Michael and Hunter suffering so much once he is gone. He wishes he could take that pain with him to the grave and spare them both the heartbreak. He's tried so hard to delay the inevitable and for years and years he fought the battles and won. Always fighting and always winning. But no matter how many victories he celebrated, Ben was always aware of the war he couldn't possibly win. He doesn't want to leave and when he thinks of all he will be miss, his own heart feels like shattering into a million tiny pieces that could never be put back together.
Memories of all the days he shared with Michael tumble through his mind. Their wedding day stands out as one of the best days of his life. Their ten year anniversary because there was a time when Ben wondered if he would even make it to then. And of course the day they officially adopted Hunter. A million moments that Ben is grateful he's had and would always keep safe in his heart.
He doesn't take his eyes from Michael's face, taking in his fill of looking into his husband's beautiful brown eyes. Ben truly believes that Michael's eyes are a window to his soul because whenever Ben looked into them he saw an entire world of love and trust reserved just for him. Sometimes he lets himself drown in Michael's eyes.
Ben knows Michael so well now; better than he even knows himself. He can see Michael struggle, not wanting to lose it, but the tears surface and his voice cracks. "I don't want you to leave."
"Oh, baby, I don't want to go," Ben whispers, his heart breaking as he sees a tear roll down Michael's cheek. Choking back his own tears, Ben asks quietly, "Stay with me?"
Michael's breath catches. Despite his tears, he manages a small smile. Leaning down, he places a kiss against Ben's dry lips. To Ben it's the sweetest kiss he's ever experienced and he knows he'll never forget. For a moment, time stops.
"Forever," Michael promises.
Ben comes to a halt at the doorway of the living room. Michael is crouched on the floor picking up strewn toys. "Need a hand?"
Turning to look over his shoulder, Michael smiles a thanks. "No, I'm alright. I'm still amazed at how much mess a seven year-old can make. JR stays for a few days and our house looks like it's had a tornado rage through it."
Laughing, Ben nods. "True. Her room is a mess, too."
"Well, it's pretty late now so I'll clean that up tomorrow," Michael says as he stands with arms full of toys. Putting them in the toy box tucked away in the corner, Michael then begins to gather up the books.
"Okay. You're sure you don't want my help..." Ben trails off.
"No, this won't take long." He grins. As Ben turns towards the stairs, Michael calls out, "Hey, will you wait for me?"
Ben pauses and smiles. "Forever."
Michael's eyes light up as his own smile widens and for a second Ben can't breathe. He can see in Michael's eyes all the love he could ever have wished for and he can't think of a more beautiful sight. In that moment, Ben remembers to feel grateful for his life. He knows he could die tomorrow having lived a good life; a life made good simply because Michael was in it.