Cut to the truth and watch it bleed
And in the wounds just what we need
It's everywhere if we dare
To trust the fall to lead you thereMy soul wants go one way
But my heart and mind playing a tug of war with me baby("Tug of War" by Nikka Costa)
I guess this wasn't such a good idea.
The words echoed in Michael's mind until the store's phone rang and drowned them out. Michael picked up the phone and heard Brian's voice come across the line.
They spoke. Brian enticed. Michael refused. Brian tempted. Michael fought momentary weakness and refused again. Brian surrendered. Michael wondered: Was this a good idea?
And what was 'this' anyway? Was 'this' the years spent in unconditional friendship--the push and pull or, more often, the push and give of a relationship that seemed so mismatched from the outside, but made perfect sense from the inside?
Michael listened to the phone's empty dial tone and wondered, "Am I abandoning him? Or am I doing the right thing for me--for once?"
Which 'him' was on his mind? Was it six feet, plus of unchecked sexuality, unapologetic self-absorption, buried pain, and bristly charm? Or was it the brawny mass of hard-earned wisdom, too-cool serenity, and gentle bravery?
Ringing bells disturbed Michael's introspection--this time the jangling bell on the store's door. Ben stepped in and stood and waited, daring his lover to break the silence first.
Michael broke. "I'm surprised to see you here. You seemed so upset this morning."
Ben walked deeper into the store until he was standing in front of Michael. "I had good reason, don't you think?"
Michael hung his head. "I guess so, but it kind of scared me when you walked out." Scared seemed like such a pathetic word for the sharp pain that had immobilized him when the door had shut. Terrified, astounded, devastated--that was more like it. All the air had been sucked out of the room, leaving him gasping. The future and all its possibilities had evaporated along with that air.
Ben tilted Michael's chin up with one finger. "I'm sorry. I know we needed to talk more, but I couldn't. Not right then. I needed some space."
Michael twisted his lips into what he hoped was a fair imitation of a grin. "I seem to have that effect on a lot of people." Ben, David, and even Brian. The list wasn't that long, but it included those who had owned the biggest shares of his heart. Those who he wanted to keep close to him. Those who, at one time or another, had decided that they were better off away from him: David off to Portland, Brian off with whoever, and now Ben. Where was Ben going to go?
"Just because I left, doesn't mean I wouldn't come back."
"But you said that we weren't ready to live together." Michael had heard the words as they'd been spoken, but his heart had a different, darker interpretation: Maybe we're not ready to be together. The thought played hide and seek in his mind--variations on a familiar theme which had played as background to his whole life. Do I have to choose? If so, then who? The door had closed this morning and something told him that it might not be the only door. Once, with David, might have been a fluke. Go home, Michael. Go home. It might have been David, not him. Twice was a pattern that begged for closer examination. He didn't even count the repeated small rejections from Brian, because there had always been days like this to offset them. Days when Michael was the only one Brian needed--the only one Brian wanted--if only as a companion in misery. If misery loves company and Michael was the company, then he was loved wasn't he? How many times had he convinced himself that it all made sense? That any of it made sense? That it was enough?
"Maybe we aren't. We need to figure out how we fit. I love you, Michael. That's not going to just stop because something's bothering me."
Michael blinked back the sudden sting behind his eyes. This was Ben standing in front of him, still offering his love. A pool of self-pity had drawn Michael and begged him to dip his toe in it. He couldn't fall into that trap again. That's not who I am now. Not who I ever want to be, no matter wht says. "What now?"
"If we want this to work, now we talk. The real question is: do we want this to work?"
More than anything. Michael looked back at Ben. There was a tiny shadow there that hadn't been there before. It could be doubt or disappointment. It could be regret. The worst thing about it was that it had been put there by Michael. "I let myself get caught up with him. I could have found a cab or a payphone, or taken a bus."
"Yes, you could have."
"I love you more than anyone in the world, but I love him too, and he needed me. I need you to understand that and forgive me for not seeing that I was hurting you."
Ben walked to the couch in the corner and sat wearily. "I can understand, Michael. I can even forgive, but I don't know if I can live with it. Not this way."
"Is that another way of saying you don't know if you can live with me?"
Ben stretched out his hand and waited for Michael to walk to him and clutch it. He tugged his lover to sit beside him. "I don't want to live without you. I don't expect to be the only person in your life. The reason I fell in love with you was for that way you have of letting people into your heart. I saw that and I wanted to be there too."
Michael slid his hand down Ben's arm and interlaced their fingers. "You are. You'll always be."
"But, baby, I can't live as an afterthought--a plan 'B' when something better doesn't work out. Even if I could live forever, I think I deserve to not waste precious moments being the backup person in your life."
"I've always admired how strong you are--how together--like a superhero come to life." Michael squeezed Ben's hand harder. "Sometimes I have to remind myself that being a superhero doesn't make you invulnerable. I'm sorry that I hurt you because being with you has and loving you has given me so much that I'd never thought I'd have. I never forget that. Never. I'd been looking for that missing piece of the puzzle for so long. I met you and everything seemed to fit. Even though it wasn't easy, it was so worth it."
"What about Brian?"
That was the million dollar question. What about Brian? "Brian will always be part of my life. I want this..." He held aloft their entwined hands. "...to BE my life."
Ben cupped Michael's face with his free hand. Michael closed his eyes and felt the heat seep in. It had seemed like so long when in reality it had only been a few days--mere hours since they had been together like this. And if days and hours could seem like decades, then what would it be like if he didn't fight for this now? He supposed he could survive, but why would he want to if there was an alternative--if he could keep what he wanted and needed so much? His soul tugged him towards Ben, and he gladly let his mind and heart stumble and be pulled in its wake.