Knowing something and actually accepting it are two very different things, the line being blurred and complicated by perception and necessity. You can know something and place it on a shelf in the back of your mind, letting it gather dust it helps to eliminate the stress of knowledge. This is a fairly simple thing to do, considering that most of the time you'd rather not know what you know. Or to be more precise you'd rather not know it in the context in which it affects your life. The old saying goes that once you know something you can never cease to know it, it's truer than anyone would ever like to admit, because even though knowledge is power there's also another side to that coin, knowledge is also devastating once it is truly accepted and given it proper perspective. The mind is a fascinating thing because it can trick you into thinking the highly probable is nearly impossible. And so you live your life in a sort of frantic denial, pushing aside anything which would bring the swirling wind of reality into the fragile structure of your house of cards.
"My T-cells went down, and my viral load is up."
These words looped themselves in an unending vicious video reel in Michael's head. He'd heard them, how could he not, they came at him like clenched fists all skin and knuckles and landed on him with such Herculean force as to render him almost speechless. And yet the words came, the familiar questions, the altered sense of reality. The sinking in of what is and has always been, the relinquishing of the control that was never really his, the facade crumbling around him like so many bed crumbs. And yet composure remained, what reserve was he drawing on? The question rang in his ears like thunder. And flashed across his eyes like lightening.
He'd managed to walk Ben into his bedroom, closing and locking the doors behind them. Emmett might come home at any moment and he didn't want to be interrupted. He didn't want to see or talk to anyone but Ben. Because Ben was scared, Ben needed to be held; he needed to believe even if it wasn't true, even if it had never been true that everything was going to be alright. He just needed to be here with Ben alone, to talk or not talk whatever Ben needed. Michael turned off his cell phone, and took the other phone off the hook. He remembered he'd told Brian he'd meet him at Babylon tonight but there was no way he was going to make it now. Brian would just have to wait, he'd talk to him tomorrow. Tonight the world consisted of him, Ben, this room, this bed. He'd allow the world to come flooding back in a torrent of questions and puzzled looks tomorrow.
"Come here." Michael said softly, watching as Ben obeyed and walked over to the bed.
Michael held out his hand and Ben took it in his own, his hand was shaking. Michael gripped it firmly to let Ben know he wasn't alone, he'd never be alone again.
"I love you." Michael said as Ben sat down next to him on the bed.
"It's too soon, we needed more time." Ben said, practically to himself.
"We have time... maybe." Michael said, wrapping his arm around Ben's now slumped shoulders and giving him an off center smile.
"I never wanted you to see me like this."
"You're more beautiful this way, all human and all."
"Don't make jokes Michael."
"You'd prefer if I sat here and cried?"
"This is serious."
"Yeah, this is serious."
"I could really get sick."
"Yeah, you could get sick."
"I could die Michael." Ben whispered almost as if this was the first time it had ever passed his lips. Maybe it was which means it's finally real.
"Yeah, you could die."
"And that doesn't scare you?"
"It scares the shit out of me."
"Then why crack corny jokes?"
"It's either crack corny jokes or have a nervous break down"
"I'm kind of on the fence myself."
"I could tell you everything's gonna be alright, but I can't see the future. I could get struck by lightening or hit by a bus tomorrow, hell we could wake up tomorrow to find they've found a cure. All we really have is this moment, and in this moment you're not sick, you're not dying, you're safe, and you're with me in my arms. It's the only thing we know for sure. This moment is the only thing promised to us by the universe."
"When the doctor told me, I turned to the left of me and saw the empty seat and for the life of me I couldn't understand why you weren't there."
"Why wasn't I?"
"I don't know."
"Yes, you do."
"Because I didn't want it to touch you, I never wanted this to touch you."
"You still don't trust me do you, you still think I'm gonna run?"
"I trust you Michael I know you won't run, it had nothing to do with thinking you were going to run I'm the one who wanted to run, and then it hit me the only place I wanted to run was to you."
"And when you did there was a room full of people, wanting to celebrate the birthday from hell."
"I still shouldn't have lost it."
"Yeah you should've...considering."
"I could have handled it better."
"This is true, but we can't change the past, if we could I'm sure there are a lot of things we'd change."
"I should go."
"No, you shouldn't."
"Why?"
"I've missed you the past few nights." Michael said getting up and taking off his clothes.
As Ben undressed Michael could tell he was shedding more then his clothes. The displacement of air surrounding him was different; the weight he'd carried into the apartment with him had lessened. He wasn't back to himself, but he was closer. Michael had watched Ben undress before, he'd salivated over it in fact, but this was something else. Now as Michael watched, he saw the graceful ripple effect of Ben's muscles beneath his skin. The way his shoulders dipped as he bent to take off his pants, and underwear. The way his abdominal muscles elongated and his chest contracted and expanded when he took off his shirt it seemed to glide over his body never touching him, yet somehow part of the fluid movement. Michael had always found Ben to be beautiful, but now looking at him Michael found him luminous, everything that made Ben who he is defined by movement and silence. And in this Michael found his own particular state of grace.
It was almost as if Ben were a little boy who needed to be protected at least for one night from the on coming storm. And Michael was the shelter in which he had chosen to hide himself. The strong, confident man he'd fallen in love with, the one who seemed to be so at peace with his life and everything in it had come to him small, frail, and afraid of what tomorrow would bring. The moment having been lost to him for a time, and he needed this night to get it back, to adjust and find the peace which once sustained him. Michael found much to his surprise that in this moment he'd fallen in love with him all over again, the depth of it was frightening. The breath of it inexhaustible as it mingled with the moon lit night and the struggling buds of spring in cased in winters lingering grasp.
When Ben and he were in the bed, if felt strange actually going to bed to go to sleep. This was the first night when this had happened, Ben had come and was to stay the night in his arms, without sex, and yet he felt as if in an intoxicating way that they'd made love all night long. Ben slept peacefully his head in the crock of Michael's shoulder, Michael gently and lovingly stroking his hair. He did this all night, sleep refused to come to him, and yet he found he wasn't tired. He needed to feel Ben close to him, he needed to feel his chest rise and fall. He needed this night of peace to remember when the storm came and he had no doubt it was coming. The sky was getting dark and foreboding, the clouds were gathering, the winds were picking up speed and making their presence known. He could smell the rain in the air, he could hear the thunder in the distance, and he could even feel the first faint drops of cold rain on his forehead. He closed his eyes took a deep breath and waited for the sun to rise.
It was late afternoon when Ben left, they had made plans for tonight and Ben was going home to make them dinner. He was more himself in the light of a new day. Earlier that morning Michael had heard Emmett leave. He knew he would have a little explaining to do, but Emmett wasn't the first person he felt like explaining it to. Soon after Ben left Michael went to his cell phone and listened to the five messages from Brian on it. He took a chance and called Brian at home, hoping he was still home this late on a Saturday afternoon. The phone rang three times before Justin finally picked it up.
"Hello." Justin said his voice heavy with sleep.
"Sorry to wake you, is Brian there?"
"He's sleeping." Justin replied.
"Wake him up."
"Michael can't you call back later?"
"Wake him up."
"You okay?"
"No."
Michael heard Justin trying to wake Brian up. In the distance he could here Justin tell Brian he was on the phone and that he didn't sound right. Finally Brian's voice came on the line sounding irritated.
"What?"
"Get over here now I need you."
Michael hung up the phone his hand trembling slightly. There had been several times he'd been on the receiving end of those seven words. And every time he'd heard them all the blood ran from his face and his heart always seemed to stop. He'd heard several different versions of it over the years.
The first time it happened they were 15, and Brian's father had come home drunk, which happened more often than not, and he beat Brian for some imagined offense. This wasn't the first time he'd beaten Brian it was however the first time Brian had called for help, even if it was only to another 15 year old. Michael ran out of his house, giving Deb some weak excuse, and then he'd met Brian at the back door of his house. Michael could tell Brian had been crying, but when he got there Brian had reverted back to trying to convince the world at large and Michael in particular that he had it all under control. But Michael knew, somehow without knowing. He walked over to Brian and put his arms around him, kissing him gently on the lips and told Brian that he loved him. It was the first time Brian had cried in front of Michael. It wouldn't be the last, and to Michael's knowledge he's the only one Brian has ever cried in front of. Up until recently this was the most vivid memory, that is until Brian had called him with yet another terror filled version the night Justin was attacked.
Over the years no matter what he was doing or who he was doing it with whenever Brian called him with any version of that statement he'd come running. And over the years he hadn't had much use for that same statement, but today was different. Today what he'd known about Ben had crossed over into accepting what he knew about his lover. Knowing it he found had been far easier to deal with than accepting it.
He sat on the sofa his head in his hands and waited for Brian to come knocking on the door. His breath came in a shallow steady stream, his pulse was racing, his heart was pounding and his skin was crawling.
When Brian did finally knock on the door it came a surprise to him, Michael nearly jumped out of his skin. He walked over to the door opened it to find a very tired, and worried looking Brian.
"You look like shit Mikey."
"I feel like shit."
"What's going on? Where were you last night?"Ben came over last night."
"I hope you tore him a new asshole."
"His T-cells went down and his viral load is up, that where he was the night of the party at the doctors getting the results of his blood work."
"Oh shit."
"He came over last night to tell me."
"You okay Mikey?"
"Not really. You should've seen him last night he was so scared."
"What about you?"
"What about me?"
"Don't do that."
"Do what?"
"Act like your feelings don't count."
"Right now they don't."
"Mikey."
"Brian he could get sick, really sick."
"You knew this going in."
"Yeah I know, but I never said it out loud before to anyone, not even myself.
"Now it's..."
"Real."
"Yeah, real."
"You tell Deb?"
"Hell no."
"Mikey."
"All she's gonna do is say I told you so. I don't need that shit right now."
"Who else did you tell?"
"No one knows but you."
"What do you need Mikey?"
"Nothing, everything...nothing...for Ben to be alright."
Brian walked over to Michael and put his arms around him, his friend melted into him. It had been a while since Brian had held Michael like this and he found he'd missed having this kind of closeness with his friend, missed touching Michael in a way in which he knew he possessed him. But this year had been one of changes. Justin had been hurt and needed him, and he wanted to be there for him, Michael had moved to Portland and come back. And he realized through this contact with Michael, that he'd sacrificed some of his closeness with Michael in order to be there for Justin. And even though he'd told Michael he shouldn't fall in love with Ben, he hadn't really been there to support his friend once he did.
Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew this day was going to come. He knew Michael would call him and there would be that silent terror in his voice. Today when Michael had called and he heard his voice Brian's heart nearly burst out of his chest. And he couldn't tell Justin, because even though he understood somewhat about the connection he had with Mikey, he'd never really understand, no one ever will. He just got up and got dressed as quickly as humanly possible and left with Justin questioning what the hell was going on.
Ben was a very lucky man, Brian thought. Mikey was going to end up breaking his own heart to be with this man. Mikey was going to put everything on the line, knowing full and damn well this all was going to end badly. Mikey was going to love this man, deeply, passionately, and with a fire that would heat the cold and terrifying nights to come. All the trips to the hospital, the never ending barrage of medication, the vomiting, and diarrhea, the nights spent awake making sure. He'd seen Mikey and Deb do this with Vic. He'd seen in Vic's eyes what death looked like. And he'd seen again just how very strong Mikey was. And how strong he'd have to be. It hit Brian just how much and how very long he'd loved Michael, it made him shiver. For the first time in his life Brian wished he were someone else.
"Love you." Michael said pulling back slightly from Brian then placing an angel soft kiss on his mouth.
"Me too, always have always will." Brian said pulling the smaller man in for a deeper kiss.