Summary: "...My heart suddenly felt like it outweighed my entire body and I could no longer feel my feet, my toes... everything had gone numb..."
Archive Date: 20 August 2006
I'm not exactly sure when it happened; but somewhere along the way my life came to a halt. It stopped with an alarming screech and from that moment on, my life was full and I never again felt frightened, alone or unloved.
I grew up not exactly knowing my place in the world but I knew I had a good heart and I knew some day someone would love me for that very reason. I grew up without a dad but my mother more than compensated for that fact. She was over the top in every way imaginable and most people were scared away by her garish nature and 'freak-show' appearance but if they ever took the time to get to know her, they soon came to realise that she possessed a heart of gold and enough love to make all those around her feel safe and nurtured.
I had the influence of my uncle. He was a man who fought and struggled but had the ability to make those around him feel safe and cared about. He was the kind of man you could talk to about anything, and I did. When my mother 'informed' me that I was gay he was the man I turned to; not just because he was a surrogate father figure in my life but because he too was gay. We shared that special bond and I never, ever felt out of place or strange. He taught me it was okay to be gay and he taught me to stand tall and hold my head up; no matter how I was feeling inside, he would talk to me of honour and strength and pride and he led by example.
I had my best friend growing up, Brian Kinney. My mother was always so worried about what Brian and I got up to but the fact was, we didn't get up to that much. He needed a safe haven away from his parents and their inability to show Brian any affection and I needed a friend who accepted me for who I was. Our bond deepened when Brian too came out and we realised that our friendship was always meant to be, on some deeper level than either of us ever imagined. He never came out to his family and for that reason alone he chose to spend every spare moment he had at my house, where he could be himself and there were no prying eyes ready to judge him and ridicule him. Very early on he gave me a nickname and it stuck. To this day he still calls me Mikey and we are still best friends.
My confidence soared and waned at different times in my life. Brian was my first 'gay' kiss because he and I would practice as we drooled over rumpled magazine pictures of Patrick Swayze, imagining him to be our first boyfriend. I cringe now just thinking about the things we talked about, things that we would do to Patrick if we ever got the chance. Brian knew instinctively when I had my first 'real' gay kiss with another boy. By that time Brian had been with a dozen guys and was living life like there was no tomorrow; that too has not changed.
I had a few serious romances but none of them ever lasted more than a few months. I was in love all the time but I don't think I really knew what love was until much later in life. I had feelings of love for Brian, I probably still do on some level but I knew that love wasn't reciprocated; that it could never be reciprocated. There was an unspoken law between me and Brian. He loved me and always would, just not in that way. It was somehow his way of telling me that I was special; that he would never allow himself to feel that way because then he could never hurt me. He didn't trust himself to love me. I pined after him for a very long time and secretly hoped that some day he would change and his feelings would emerge but I know now that I am grateful that he was always just there as my best friend. There were times in my life that I needed him and I can never thank him enough for being there.
Brian tells me even now that I was there for him more than he ever was, but that's not true. We agreed to acknowledge that we were there for each other and that it wasn't a competition.
I acquired some wonderful friends as I got older, friends that I know would do anything for me. I met Lindsay through Brian and then Melanie who became Lindsay's partner. When Brian agreed to donate sperm to father their child, I was blown away. It was probably the most selfless act Brian had ever performed in his life. There were rocky roads along the way but the one ongoing reality was that Brian did love his son and him and Linds had an unspoken love that held them together in their hearts, forever. I met Ted and I knew immediately he was special. We met at a gay bar and he was like no other guy I'd met before. He was very self-aware and critical of himself; it fascinated me that this bright, intelligent, handsome, caring guy could think so less of himself. He didn't see the Teddy that I saw. I learned at one point that Ted had feelings for me, much like my unrequited love for Brian and like that same situation, I decided not to ruin a wonderful friendship by ever treading into those uncharted waters. Teddy meant way too much to me. Emmett was a whole other story. He and I clicked from the moment we met; he was flamboyant, outgoing, outrageous and gorgeous and probably the sweetest, kindest man I was ever likely to meet. Emmett is one in a million and to know Emm is to love Emm.
My friends and family were my life for a long time. Sure I wanted to meet someone special and settle down but I didn't feel unloved, not ever. I was working in a job that I didn't particularly like but I liked the people I worked with and I earned good money and there were possibilities for advancement. I hadn't gone to college so furthering my career was somewhat limited. I made the most of the job I had and I worked hard. I had earned the respect of those I worked with and although I hadn't come out at work, I wasn't overly concerned that a huge part of me was missing out. I did however harbour feelings of regret for not having been brave enough to come out but in a way, it made my "home life" seem even more special somehow; like time away from work was something I treasured and looked forward to. My friends bugged me to come out and to stand up for my homosexuality and be proud but for the time being I was content to live my double existence.
There was a time in my life that I came to regret immensely, but it was also a time I wouldn't change for the world. I met a guy and I fell in love. He was an older guy, a doctor and he was different to every other person I knew in my life. Brian hated him, my mother was beside herself with the prospect of having a doctor as a son-in-law, my friends were mostly happy for me and I was in love with the idea of being in love. There were so many emotions to consider. I was still having confusing thoughts of Brian; he was making life particularly hard because he had great animosity toward David, my life was changing beyond comprehension and I wasn't sure where it would all end up. Things moved at an alarming rate and I really didn't take the time to stop and think it through.
I was in love with David and for the most part I was happy about the change in direction my life was taking. Things propelled out of control when David asked me to move in with him. I remember thinking how nice it would be, to come home after a day at work and just curl up on the couch with my partner, make love, dine together, talk and just enjoy our lives together but in reality, I was scared of what all that really meant -- that I would have to forego some of my old life; I couldn't have it all. After a huge set back and a break up, I did indeed move in with David and my life became 'our life' and for a while we were really happy.
David's son Hank came to stay with us and I got a taste of what our life was really about; responsibility, sharing, caring and compromise. I'm not sure why, but suddenly it wasn't just my life that was changing at a great rate of knots, but I was changing as a person and one morning I realised after looking in the mirror that I didn't like the person who was looking back at me. Who had I become? Who was this stranger looking back at me? I was driving around a gold convertible, I was dining with people I didn't know -- didn't care to know and I was missing my friends and the stuff I really enjoyed doing. 'Our life' had become David's life and I was living his existence; somewhere along the way my life had gone by the wayside and Michael had ceased to exist.
I thought time would change things and that I would slowly start turning things around and somehow manage to live the existence that I wanted, not some parody of it at my own expense. A chain of circumstances saw me going in the complete opposite direction. Just when I had decided to pick up pace and start delving into change and making that change a reality, circumstances saw David needing to move -- to move to Portland to be with his son. This wasn't the change I had envisioned but after some soul searching and thinking I decided that perhaps it was what I needed, a new start. Perhaps I could make this new start work for me, for us. In hindsight, I believed Brian was going to New York for new business opportunities and maybe that was the real reason I opted for the move; to leave this place behind -- the memories, the good times that I needed to put behind me, to move on and be the man I was destined to become; instead of living in the past and worrying that I was losing myself.
A tragedy turned all our lives upside down. Brian was no longer going away; David was showing another side of himself to me and I wasn't too impressed with the way our new life was shaping up and suddenly the unknown waters were becoming murky and hard to wade through. When Justin got attacked and life was put on hold as we all knew it, it gave me time to think. I stayed to be with Brian, he needed me, like he'd never needed me before. My place was beside him. David understood, or so I thought and it was agreed that I would meet up with him in Portland in a few weeks. I had let go of the nagging doubts I was having before Justin's accident and I was missing David like crazy. I missed our love making, our passion and our talks. He would phone me from Portland and just hearing his voice would bring a calmness over me and at that time, I really thought moving there was something I wanted, needed.
When I returned home my life felt empty, meaningless and pathetic. For all my whining about needing to start afresh, starting a new life with David, having some hope for the future and possibilities beyond my wildest dreams -- here I was, back here with no prospects whatsoever. I didn't have a job, my mother couldn't help but look at me with pity; my friends were pissed because I hadn't told them the truth about my time in Portland and Brian, while still coming to terms with his own problems with Justin, was feeling smug and superior and carried an air of "I told you so" about my relationship with David, which was the last thing I needed.
So sometime after that my life changed; it became an existence. I grew stronger along the way and I decided that I needed to make changes; I didn't need a "David" in my life to make those changes -- I needed to make them myself. I needed to grab MY life with both hands and I needed to adjust it, fine tune it. Why had I taken that ridiculous job at the Big Q; I had never liked that place in the beginning, why did I think I could ever be happy back there; especially under the ruling thumb of Andrew who I despised. And so, I took charge, I took hold and I made things happen. When the opportunity presented itself for me to purchase the comic book store I laughed out loud and I thought over and over how ludicrous it was to even contemplate such a move; but then my heart took over and stopped my head from doing all the thinking. Was it really such a bad idea? This was my passion; something I knew more about than any other subject or topic. I had grown up around comic books and I had a well of knowledge inside me just begging to be shared with others. And so my 'unknown' dream became my new reality.
It just occurred to me, that moment in my life -- the moment where time as I knew it stood still.
I had been spring cleaning the comic book store with the help of my mother and my uncle and Emm. I had so much new stock to catalogue and put away and I wanted bigger and better things for the store; I had a million ideas racing through my head at any given moment and for one reason or another love was the last thing on my mind. But as I look back, my heart still skips a beat when I think about that day.
The bell above the door tinkled and both Emm and Uncle Vic pawed over their lusty thoughts to get a closer glimpse of the vision that had just sauntered in. There was dialogue spoken, but I can't be sure what was said; I was having thoughts of my own. And then I was "on"... the guy needed my assistance.
I remember piecing together partial sentences as he spoke, because looking up into his face -- to be taken in by those piercing ice-blue eyes, I could barely muster up an intelligible conversation but here he was, needing MY assistance and listening to what I had to say.
When I think back to the very beginning I get chills. He had asked me to talk, to give a lecture to his class. I was beside myself with nerves and there was no way I was ever going to pull that off; how could I? How in the Hell was I going to be convincing enough to ever teach college students anything that I knew that could possibly be of benefit to them. I very nearly didn't make the speech but he assured me that what I had to share was valuable and that my 'passion' would shine through and that I needed to believe in myself and believe in the knowledge that I did possess. And so I did it and it was a light-bulb moment in my life I will never forget.
I will also never forget what ensued that evening. We shared our first kiss. It was so passionate; it was so electrifying and it took every effort on my part to keep my heart beating because inside I actually felt like I'd died and gone to Heaven and I had to reassure myself that I needed to keep breathing, if I wanted this slice of perfection to actually keep moving, if I was ever going to see him again.
But my heart skipped another beat that night; when Ben announced to me that he was HIV positive. My heart suddenly felt like it outweighed my entire body and I could no longer feel my feet, my toes... everything had gone numb. How was this possible? Why would this man be shown into my life only to be ripped away like that? His steel blue eyes framed by long dark lashes held such an urgency about them, like he needed to know I wasn't about to turn on my heels and run for the door, to escape this bad dream.
I gave him what he wanted, what he showed me he needed and I stayed. We talked and we listened. Well he talked and I listened; I was actually too scared to say anything. Every time my eyes met with his, an overwhelming sense of longing washed over me; I wanted to be held by that look, I wanted to be caressed inwardly by those eyes, I wanted him to see me and to see the real me. I longed for those beautiful eyes to know me.
I really thought I had what it would take to overcome this huge, seemingly insurmountable obstacle. When he checked in with me the following day to make sure I was okay I had put on a brave face and the conversation between us was jovial and light and it seemed there was a chance after all -- to salvage what we had begun the previous evening. When the time came and I was faced with getting to know this guy on a level that I didn't even dare to think about, again my life became unfocused and for the first time in a long time I felt scared shitless and I knew that sinking feeling in my heart did not hold well for a positive outcome.
When his eyes took mine in that bathroom mirror; when I could barely look him in the eyes and say the words he desperately needed not to hear, ever, I had to be strong and I had to believe in myself. I couldn't go through with it and I couldn't hurt him any more than I was about to. As I looked down, avoiding the sadness and pain that I knew was now living in his eyes, I felt his body shift and I heard the quiver in his voice as he tried to allay my fears and make everything okay again. It was better that he knows now, instead of later -- but it was never going to be better. How could it?
He turned and walked away and I barely remember anything that happened after that moment in time. Thoughts rushed through my mind; rapid thoughts of Brian, my mother, David -- I heard them all. Their voices became one as they overlapped, telling me to do what I needed to do, to forget everyone else and do what was best for ME. I barely remember leaving Ben's apartment that night. There was no more talking; he had slipped quietly away to dress and he looked at me from across the room as I appeared ready to leave. We exchanged a glance that spoke volumes; mostly of pain, regret and of what could have been. He looked away as I closed the door behind me.
I remember the cloud of sadness and sorrow that followed me after that moment in time. I desperately wanted to run back inside Ben's apartment and tell him I was sorry, that I had changed my mind, that I wanted nothing more than to feel his hands on my body, on my soul and for him to make love to me but I knew it wouldn't play out that way. I had seen the look of depletion in Ben's eyes; he would never readily accept me back there, not like this -- not unwavering, not confused and wishy-washy. He needed 100% and he could accept nothing less.
I'm not sure when the light turned on for me; not sure when my head turned around but at some point calmness and maturity overtook the feelings of dread and unknown and chance wanted to play a part; to take an active role in my life that was, at that moment, floundering and I knew nothing other than the fact that I needed, had to have Ben Bruckner in my life.
When I revisit those times in my head, I still can't believe how lucky I was that Ben chose to take a chance on me, on us. It took some persuading and he was really reluctant at first but later he told me that he knew we were destined to be together and no matter how much he tried to convince himself that I was no good for him, his heart told a different story. He told me of the ache he felt in the weeks after that 'bathroom' moment and how he tried to make sense of it all; he too couldn't fathom why we found each other only to be separated. He told me that he saw a special quality in me and he hoped, he knew, that given time we would come together again.
Time truly stood still for me one night as we lay in our bed; Ben's arms were encircled around my body and he spoke to me of his love and his desires. His one true desire was to be married, have a family and to be with the man that he knew loved him more than any other human being on the face of the Earth.
I lay in his arms safe in knowledge that I knew he had reached his one great desire; because I was that man. We had Hunter and JR; we had been married and I did love him more than life itself; there was never any question about that. Ben's philosophy to 'live in the now' grew stronger over the years and his resolve to live each day as though it were to be his last was infectious; all those around him adopted that outlook and our group of friends, our unique close unit of love became more apparent to each of us, by looking through Ben's eyes, those beautiful eyes I fell in love with, we came to learn that life is way too short to ever feel anything but love, pride and desire.
I jumped as Ben's hand touched my shoulder, "Hey you, you've been staring out that window for almost an hour. Where were you?"
I smiled at him and felt a warm buzz flit around my body and I said "I've been thinking back on the years; thinking how incredibly lucky I am, how lucky we are... that we found each other and how incredibly joyous our life has been. I look back so fondly and even though some of our loved ones are no longer here with us, I embrace each day knowing I still have you and I still feel that incredible love that empowers me to face each and every day and know that the great love of my life is standing right here alongside me."
Ben ran his fingers through his greying hair and reached out to take my face in his cool hands. "You always did know how to put on a smile on my face Brown Eyes. Thank you for reminding me of our incredible wealth, of the love that means more than anything else possibly could. I love you Michael Novotny-Bruckner."
I felt that warm tingle again as Ben said my name; "And I never tire of you calling me that; even after 13 years of marriage I can't believe how full my heart is. I love you too Ben."
He lowered his face to mine and when his lips brushed against mine ever so lightly my body was once again transcended to another time, to another place... to the first time I felt those lips on mine. The moment that time stood still.
End of "Time Stands Still" by Jannine (greenbeltave@optusnet.com.au)