Ben & Michael Talk, Really Talk

Sometimes we talk but we don't necessarily hear...

Ben's head sunk more deeply into the pillow and he allowed his thoughts to drift as Michael's sweet mouth continued to work their luscious magic on his manhood.

Ben's mind swirled as Michael's tongue performed acrobatic feats, torturing him with pleasure and rapture. Ben had always wanted to ask Michael where he had learned his wondrous ways and amazing technique, but he wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer. He knew already that his lover's expert kissing arose from some deep rooted childhood fantasy playing-out, borne out of his lust for his best friend and he had seen Michael kissing that same guy as a grown man and he saw the look in Michael's eyes even now when he and Brian kissed and it was always a cause for a jealous pang in the depths of his gut.

He knew Michael had never gone beyond kissing with Brian which led him to believe that perhaps his former, older lover, David had been responsible for teaching Michael a thing or two in the bedroom and that was something that Ben didn't need to dwell on. He already felt somewhat cheated that Michael was able to make love with David without the ever present protection that he and Michael had to use and would always have to use and it made him sick to his stomach to know that he would never taste Michael or ever fully have him in ways he can only imagine and he knew it was the same for Michael; he knew that Michael held such desires also. But in reality, that protection was the one thing that could keep Michael by his side for as long as he possibly could, without fear of hurting him unintentionally.

Ben's body arched up off the bed as he was jolted back to the present with Michael milking him of every last drop of his essence. Michael's hands raked over Ben's torso as he purred like a satisfied kitten at his achievement. Ben held his head gently as Michael finally released him and smiled down at the gorgeous dark eyes peering back at him.

Ben stroked Michael's back gently and said shakily "It's nothing really; I was just thinking and letting myself drift. It wasn't because I wasn't enjoying it... you were brilliant, as always."

Michael kissed Ben's chest and said "I love pleasing you, I live to please you... I can't get enough of you."

Michael knew that something was playing on Ben's mind and that Ben's quiet demeanour held some deep philosophical rumination but he also knew Ben wasn't quite ready to talk about "it" yet so he didn't push the issue.

They lay quietly for a few minutes and cuddled; Michael listened to Ben's breathing and gently stroked his hardened chest -- letting Ben know that he was there if he needed him. Ben made little circles on Michael back and shoulder with his slender fingers and every so often would breathe in just a little deeper, giving rise to Michael's thoughts that something was weighing on Ben's mind.

Michael watched as Ben slid out from under his grasp and left the room. The silence was speaking volumes and Michael wasn't sure how to handle it. He didn't want to press Ben if he wasn't ready to talk about whatever "it" was but he wanted Ben to know that he was there, ready to listen, willing to talk about anything and everything. Michael got up and made his way into the bathroom.

Ben had the shower running. Michael slipped his arms around Ben's waist from behind and kissed his back gently. Ben smiled when Michael looked out from behind him in the mirror and said "What are you up to?"

"Nothing... I just wanted to feel you, smell you ... and touch you. Do you need some time alone?"

Ben held Michael's gaze in the mirror that was now fogging up from steam and smiled but the smile held a deep-seated sadness. Michael caressed his shoulders lovingly and said "I'll go and make us something to eat while you cool off and then we can talk."

Ben nodded, appreciating that Michael recognised his need for some alone time. He stepped into the shower.

Michael pulled on his robe and left the bedroom. He set about making some sandwiches and poured some juice. He grabbed some crisps from the cupboard and set everything down on the coffee table. He put on some music and turned it down a little. He grabbed a magazine and flicked through it, waiting for Ben to emerge.

When Ben came out about 20 minutes later in his track pants, he took a seat next to Michael on the sofa and looked at the tasty treats Michael had whipped up. He smiled and sipped his juice.

"Ben, are you okay? You just seem a little down -- is there anything you want to talk about?"

Ben nibbled his sandwich and looked across the sun-filled room. He wasn't sure where to start. It wasn't like he and Michael had never had this conversation before; and he really wasn't sure what triggered his thoughts this time -- all he knew was that sometimes, when he felt happiest, he also felt at his lowest.

"I um ... I guess I was torn between that delicious place that I've come to rely on when I'm with you and that other place that frightens the Hell out of me..."

Ben tried to clarify his murky thoughts; "I mean... when I'm with you, I'm in this place of solitude -- a place where I feel safe and loved and needed... but at the same time, I'm in a place that frightens me because I allow reality to creep in and it all becomes clear that life is not quite as rosy as the picture I allow myself to paint in my head. Does that make sense baby?"

Michael touched Ben's arm lightly and said "I know what reality you're talking about and I know we've spoken about this before and I also know that you prefer to live in the now instead of dwelling on what could have been or what is yet to be... I'm just not sure what has brought you to that place, now, I mean. Was our love-making a source of discomfort to you in some way?"

Ben swallowed hard; he hated admitting to his feelings about jealousy and such but he knew that the lines of communication had been opened now and it would be better to speak up and clear the air and put Michael in a position of power, by letting him see his vulnerabilities and weaknesses instead of Michael always praising Ben for being so stellar, so upright and strong.

"Ah... I was feeling pretty vulnerable I guess... You were sucking me and making love to me and I let myself drift away and my thoughts turned to you and David..."

Michael took a bite of his sandwich and asked inquisitively, "So while I'm sucking you, you're thinking about me with my ex? Hmm"

Ben smiled and said "I know, it sounds ridiculous. Baby, I don't want my thoughts to go there but sometimes I just get so frustrated and I think you know why... because I know you think about it too and that's when I start thinking about what you had with David and perhaps about what you miss having with me."

Michael drew Ben's face to look at him. He repositioned himself on the sofa so he was directly in front of Ben and said "What I had with David doesn't bear thinking about, not anymore; it compares not one iota to anything I have with you. Okay, yes, we both waste time thinking about what ifs when it comes to our love-making but it's not something I dwell on Ben. I revel in every moment I get to spend with you, kissing you, loving you, tasting you, sucking you... if I died tomorrow I'd die a very happy man -- trust me! Please don't ever think that that's how I feel; that I compare what I had with David with what we have because it just isn't true. I had unprotected sex with him and yes, our love-life was good but the closeness I feel to you, the love I experience, the joy I imbibe just by being near you -- nothing compares to that Ben, nothing."

Ben's soft eyes glistened over. He was appreciative of Michael's thoughts and his honesty and his willingness to discuss this topic, yet again. Michael touched Ben's thigh firmly and said "Ben, a long time ago I told you that my love for David was a very different kettle of fish compared to how I felt about you. I told you that I was a very different person back then, that I needed someone like David or thought I did but when push came to shove, that relationship taught me one great lesson above all else -- that what I really needed was to feel loved and appreciated for who I am. That's the one huge lesson I walked away from that union with, that I had nothing to prove to him -- but everything to prove to myself. I grew up a lot after what happened with David, both mentally and spiritually and I came out the other side knowing there was more to me than I had ever imagined; and that is one thing I will credit him with -- for letting me see the real me and not the version of me I thought I should be."

Ben touched his lover's face gently and just held his eyes in his, wanting him to know how much it meant to him to have Michael open up like this, to talk about his feelings, to justify their relationship on grounds that they really didn't talk about.

"When I met you I knew straight off that you 'got me'... there was no pretence with you, I didn't have to try to be someone I wasn't. When I got done with listening to my mother and my friends and that stupid little voice inside my head that told me I wasn't ready for a relationship with a guy like you... I started listening to myself and it didn't take me long to realise that I was worth listening to, that my feelings were real and that what we had was very special. I thank God every day that I listened to my own thoughts back then and that I didn't allow past experiences to interfere again."

Ben's chest felt weighty under the revelations emanating from Michael, to hear him talk of himself like that; to hear Michael so confident and so self-assured that he had made the right decision back then, that he didn't regret the decision at all.

"Ben, we got over some pretty major bumps along the way and we came through always knowing that we loved each other and that hasn't changed. Our lives will always be filled with questions about one thing or another and these feelings are bound to resurface but it doesn't have to mean that we hold regrets or feel hard done by; it just means that we live in reality and we see the starkness of our situation and we don't shy away from it -- we don't ignore the hard bits, we deal with them, we move on."

Michael leaned in for a kiss and Ben's hands took his face gently and their lips came together in a passionate lock, a sense of not wanting to let go spiralling up from between them.

As they snuggled on the sofa Michael said softly "Ben ... I knew from the first time I met you that you were someone special, different to anyone I knew and I knew that you had a lot to teach me but I didn't ever feel that you wanted to change me. I felt like a complete person with you and I wasn't embarrassed or scared to share things with you; I wasn't worried that I would disappoint you somehow and I think I knew from the start that our lives would mean something; I'm not sure what exactly -- but I knew we weren't just going to be lovers or partners... I think this world holds a lot in store for us and I'm happy to face that with you. I want to face that world with you."

Ben's grip tightened around the smaller man's frame and he gently stroked Michael's hair. "Michael, I've told you before how scared I was to fall in love with you; that I didn't want my heart getting broken because it was so tough to let myself love again, especially in my situation and I know the problems we had in the beginning were my fault too; we were both vulnerable, both scared of diving in and both scared of what it meant -- to be in love and not know what the future held ... but I was ready to face that too but only if I had you beside me. I knew from the beginning that you were the one person that would allow me to explore the possibilities of life, to see where this universe would allow me to go; I knew you wouldn't stifle me and I knew you wanted it as badly as I did. Once the panic and the 'what ifs' disappeared from our relationship, I knew we were at the beginning of something really meaningful and like you, I can't imagine what this world holds for us, but I know whatever it is -- we have each other and that's more important than anything I can even bare to imagine happening for us."

Michael cuddled into Ben's warm niche a little tighter and smiled, "Ben, just promise me you won't ever feel scared about your feelings... about how you think I might be feeling -- just promise me that you'll ask me, that we can talk about it and that we face this life together, warts and all."

End of "Ben & Michael Talk, Really Talk"
Jannine: greenbeltave@optusnet.com.au
08/21/2007

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Ben & Michael Talk, Really Talk

by Jannine