Summary: "...if this was it, if he were never to see Ben again, then all he had were his memories..."
Rating: PG-13
Archive Date: 23 October 2005
Ben picked up the receiver.
"Putting you through now, Mr. Bruckner."
"Hello."
"Ben, is that you?"
"Hey, baby, it's me. I miss you so much."
"Ben, I can barely hear you. It's a terrible connection."
"Michael, can you hear me now? Michael?"
"Yes, I can hear you now. Oh, I miss you so much. When are you coming home?"
"Soon, baby. Soon. How are you?"
"I'm fine. Just missing you. Are you back in New York yet, at the hotel? You gave me all the numbers and details."
"I know baby. I miss you too. This has been the longest three months of my life. Tibet was very enriching and enlightening. I know I said this was something I had to do, but what I really needed to do was to stay right there with you--hold you, kiss you, fuck you...love you."
"There will be plenty of time for all of that when you get back here and, trust me, I won't be letting you out of my sight. You're in New York? When is your flight home?"
Ben smiled. "I won't be going anywhere, ever. I'm not far away. Michael, lonely nights when I lie alone, you come back to me and I can see your smile on every face, in every crowd. I never again want to feel the pain of remembering how it used to be. I need to feel you beside me."
"Ben, are you okay? You sound so sad."
"I am sad, Michael. I'm sad that I can't touch you, feel you, and hold you. I would give anything right now to be able to look into those pools of chocolate velvet and see you look back at me. If you've ever been lonely then you'll understand why I treasure every smile that you've shown me, every touch of your hand..." Ben drifted off.
"Ben? You sound funny. What's wrong? I'm worried about you."
"Michael, I love you so much. I have to tell you something.... Michael... I...."
"Ben? Ben, you're really scaring me now. Tell me Ben... Honey, tell me."
Michael could hear Ben's breathing; it sounded shallow and erratic. Michael's heart was thumping inside his chest, his own breathing now becoming erratic.
"Michael, I'm sick. I have the flu and it's pretty bad. They say I can't travel."
"Oh Jesus, Ben! Where are you? Are you in the hospital?" "No. I was, but I wanted to come back here. I'm in the hotel room. I needed to do this...I wanted to do this. I never wanted to go like that, in a cold hospital room. Michael, I wanna feel you breathing, your body next to mine. Let me feel your heartbeat. Let me hold your hand." Ben was fading in and out.
"Ben? Please, you need to get to a hospital. Honey, please, do this for me... Ben?"
"It sounds like a song when you whisper my name. Love and loving you are one in the same."
"Oh Christ, Ben! Honey, listen to me. I'm going to have an ambulance come and get you. Just stay on the phone." Michael frantically grabbed his cell phone and dialed for assistance. He gave them Ben's details and the name of the hotel where he was staying. He made them aware of his HIV status and told them to hurry.
"Ben? An ambulance is on the way. Ben, can you hear me? Talk to me, Ben."
"Michael, in my whole life, there is no one I could ever want as much as I want you. Reach out and touch me with your love. I'm glowing. I'm on fire when I touch you..." Ben's voice flickered with much sadness.
Michael pleaded with Ben. "Ben, please stay with me, honey. You have to do this. Come on Ben. Stay with me."
"I'd give anything for the chance to be that sweet morning smile in your eyes. Michael, I love you."
Tears spilled freely from Michael's eyes; he swallowed hard and just let Ben talk.
"Michael, broken dreams are all the memories that are left behind. You wake up tomorrow morning and you find me there. Rooms to let are only made for people with no place else to go. Why did I leave you? I knew you loved me and I knew you'd have set me free..." Michael could hear Ben weeping.
Ben was rambling, now, trying to tell Michael how much he loved him, how much he needed him. Michael's body heaved with heavy sobs as he listened to Ben talk.
"Let me love you once before I go and then you'll see. No one's ever going to love you more than me. Let me lock the door, open all my love to you, all the love I've wanted to give you since we met. This is the only chance I'm ever going to get. I just can't let it disappear. Please come. Be with me."
Michael heard knocking at the hotel door; he prayed it was the ambulance. He heard them enter the room. Ben was still trying to talk to him. Michael closed his eyes and said a silent prayer. ?Please let him be okay. Please let me see him one more time, to touch him, to hold him. I have to tell him how much I love him.'
Michael listened as the ambulance officers worked on Ben. Obviously, Ben still had the phone in his hand. Michael could hear Ben utter his name every so often. Michael let his imagination take over as he sat there in the darkness of his own world, with his eyes shut tightly. He thought of Ben kissing him, running his fingers through his hair, touching his cheek lightly with his long, slender fingers. Ben would kiss his earlobe so gently and whisper so gently that he loved him. Michael could feel Ben's lips on his; he could smell him, and he could feel him. Ben's words came back to him: "I never wanna feel the pain of remembering how it used to be..." But if this was it, if he were never to see Ben again, then all he had were his memories--memories he would forever cherish.
Michael's great sadness was interrupted by an paramedic.
"Is this Michael?"
"Yes! What's happening? Is he okay?"
"He's in and out of consciousness. He wants to say something to you and then we're getting him out of here. I'll give him the phone."
Michael waited to hear Ben's voice. Long, agonising, silent moments passed. Michael was shaking. Would he ever hear Ben's voice again?
"I'm going to fly over a rainbow. I'm going to find a Heaven on Earth we can share. Paradise is not very far away and I'll take you there. The photograph of you keeps fading away, every time I steal a glance. Hey, my love, so warm and tender. Please remember that I need you...."
Michael bit his bottom lip. "I need you too, honey. Please know that I love you."
"You can start a fire raging just by touching me. I never ever wanted anyone so much. My heart's about to burst..."
Then nothing. Michael waited, but nothing.
The phone went dead.
The phone fell from Michael's hand and hit the floor with a resounding thud. He fell to his knees and the sobbing just took over his body, leaving him a heaving mess on the floor. He held a cushion from the lounge to his chest; he could smell Ben's aftershave. As tears collected on the pale blue fabric, Michael drank in the familiar smell and just let his emotion free him.
Three hours passed as Michael just sat in his favourite armchair all broken and spent. He didn't have one tear left. He was suddenly aware of the phone ringing. He reached for it, not really wanting or needing to speak with anyone.
"Hello."
"Mr Novotny? This is the hospital. You gave the ambulance your details."
"Yes, that's right. Um, Can you tell me...is he...?"
"Mr. Bruckner is okay. We have him on oxygen and medications and he's back with us."
Michael's heart all but jumped through his chest wall. He sprang to his feet and almost fell back down again. He had never felt such a rush, such a joy, and such love at that very moment.
Michael sat and held Ben's hand gently. Ben eventually stirred and it took him a few moments to focus on Michael's face. When he did, a smile came to his eyes--that familiar smile that made his eyes dance. Michael returned the smile and said, "Hello, you. You scared me so much."
"I scared myself. I just remember hearing your voice and all these words were coming, these moments in time. I just had to tell you. I needed you to know how I felt."
Michael leaned in and kissed Ben's mouth softly and said, "You have the rest of your life to tell me how you feel and I'll be here to listen. I love you, Ben."
"I love you too, baby."
End of "Moments" by Jannine (greenbeltave@optusnet.com.au)