Summary: "...embrace each day for what it holds, not the possibility of what it might hold..."
Archive Date: 20 May 2006
Birthdays had become such important occasions in the Novotny-Bruckner household.
It became clear that when you love someone more than life itself, that each extra year you had with them meant the world and beyond; each passing month, week, day -- a simple moment in time became all-consuming.
Both Ben and Michael felt this way. For Ben it was more an exercise of trying to 'live in the now' and just be grateful for whatever path his life was to lead him. His HIV positive status had consumed his every waking moment -- until he met Michael Novotny. When love enveloped him he realised it was about enjoying life and living it to the fullest and not dwelling on the past. He had tried to use his Zen-like affirmations in everyday life and live by the rules of never looking back but until Michael entered his realm, he never had the true inspiration, purpose of holding onto those beliefs.
For Michael, when he met Ben it was all about the positive influence that Ben had on his life. Michael had come through a very turbulent time after his break-up with David Cameron and he had spent months trying to sort his life out. He took on the comic book store, and although this was a lifelong dream -- it hardly constituted a sound financial possibility for his future. When Ben walked into his life Michael understood there was more to life than monetary terms and that love and happiness took precedence over all else. With the success of Rage and Ben's constant presence, Michael's life took a turn for the better.
There were rocky patches and not so happy times but through them all Ben and Michael's love grew and it deepened with each passing year. Michael felt whole, in the sense that his life was now complete; he had his dream job, he was fulfilling himself artistically and he had the love and support of a partner who was truly beautiful inside and out. Ben had never dreamed of finding a man to share his life with. When he broke up with Paul, the guy who infected him, Ben's reality was that it would be difficult, if not impossible to find someone strong enough and willing enough to take that onboard -- to take his illness onboard. He fell for Michael quickly but when Michael didn't think he could "do this" Ben was left feeling crushed, battered and suddenly very alone in the world. Ben needed the love of a good man to take his journey with him, no matter where the journey took them.
Looking back now, they each know their lives had taken twists and turns that set them on this path and for a higher reason than either of them ever dared to dwell on. They came into each other's lives for a specific intended reason and they didn't like to question why. They complemented each other's lives perfectly; they were as close as any 2 people could be; their love-making was deep and sensual and knew no bounds; their friendship was concreted very early on when they vowed if nothing else, they would always be lifelong friends. Each passing day, even if spent doing mundane chores, held much excitement and promise and that day was not taken for granted.
Michael's knowledge of love had been formed in his life in many different shapes and forms. The love of his mother was, to outsiders at least, a very complicated love. Michael knows how tough Debbie did it, bringing him up on her own and working long hard hours to make sure he never went without. She was there for him when he came out -- actually Deb knew before Michael and that was a source of great discomfort for Michael in his youth but now he sees it as a mother's love and knowing -- that she cared enough about him to know something so personal about him. Michael grew up without a father and his mother did her best to make sure he didn't ever want for the love of a second parent.
His love for his Uncle Vic was that of admiration. Vic had led a full, colourful existence and he would share his antics with young 'Mikey', but it wasn't until Vic got sick and came to live with him and his mother that Michael got to know the real Vic -- a generous, loving and passionate man. Vic would give his left arm if asked of him and anyone who met Vic adored him. His affable and joyous spirit always shined through, even in his darkest hours. Michael will always be grateful for the strength that Vic passed onto him and shaped the man he is today -- a father figure in all essence.
Michael's love for Brian came early on but it wasn't a love that could ever be captured. They met in school and hooked up. As 2 young gay men it was easy for them to become close and shut out the rest of the world. Brian was always a very outgoing character, very strong-minded and very in your face. He didn't have a happy home-life and he relied on Michael to show him the love that he hoped he deserved but was never shown. Michael relied on Brian to give him the confidence to meet the world head-on and take it by the balls. A complicated history of love ensued but through the years it was always clear that they loved each other and would remain great friends.
Michael learned that love took on many faces. The love he had for David -- complicated, restricted, compromising and detrimental and although not a lasting love -- it served him a purpose and when real love came to him, Michael knew the difference. Then came the love that Michael found within himself to give to a young man who needed nothing else from the world except the love that he found find to give him. Hunter was a true gift from above and both Michael and Ben thank God everyday for that precious gift. The love of his good friends was plentiful, especially for Emmet and Ted -- his love for Melanie and Lindsay and eventually a love like no other -- his love for his daughter Jenny Rebecca. When that little angel entered the world Michael's heart was so proud and full and so embracing that some days he felt as though his chest would burst. The only thing that felt better than his love for JR was seeing Ben with her; seeing how Ben cradled her and talked to her, sang to her and spoke to her of her "beautiful and wonderful daddy".
True love entered his heart the day Michael and Ben exchanged vows and rings and promised to love one another for all eternity -- a vow that Michael knew would never be broken, couldn't be broken.
Love for Ben was a totally different reality from Michael's perspective. He had the love of his parents but never a really close relationship. Ben envied the closeness of Michael and Deb, the friendship they maintained. Ben had friends through school and college but no one really close, a confidante that he could confide in -- someone to share his dreams and passions with. Ben was a lonely teenager who felt awkward and not too sure about his 'self'. He was a chubby kid who really just wanted to be accepted. He grew up with a brother and sister but didn't have much in common with them. They married and had children and although he was a part of it all, Ben somehow still managed to feel like an outsider within the confines of the family structure. Ben lost himself in his writing and allowed himself a whole other world to live in -- exist in. That's where his passion lay and when he started teaching that too became his life; he had now found his niche in life.
Ben had relationships but none ever really developed beyond a superficial level. He didn't know if it was because he himself was too scared to share his whole self with another, or because he simply didn't know how to show another person love. When he met Paul, Ben was comfortable with him. They shared some common interests and they could talk. A few months into the relationship Ben was feeling uneasy about the situation but he didn't know why; there was just a foreboding sense he had that something wasn't quite right. His world came crashing down one Friday afternoon when Paul met him at their apartment looking very pale and very distressed. Paul had been to see his doctor and had been given some devastating news.
Ben held Paul that day -- caring that his partner was sick and that his life had a question mark hanging over it now. It wasn't until Paul expressed to Ben that he too would have to be tested that Ben even comprehended that this fate may also be looming over him. Love for Ben had always held prickles; no matter how good it felt -- there was always heartache just around the corner -- and this time was no different -- the thorn was just much bigger than previously.
Realising they couldn't move past this tragic turn of events, Ben and Paul called it quits. Paul had spiralled out of control and Ben didn't want to be around for the fall-out. He had other plans; he would do everything he had to, to ensure that every possible chance that he would get through this was afforded to him. He hit the gym, he researched, he got on the cocktail as soon as viable and he changed his whole diet and life regime. Living became a ritual for Ben -- it took over his every waking moment. He became obsessed with staring this crap in the face and not letting it take him down. He surrounded himself with only positive influences and he met it head-on.
So when Ben met Michael he was scared; he had fallen for this smaller (but huge in personality) man and his heart did a flutter just thinking of him. He dared to let those feelings into his heart but in all reality he didn't think Michael could take onboard his reality -- his illness. That first kiss -- the passion that emanated between their bodies -- the electricity that flowed -- Ben had never experienced anything like it; but then truth and honesty had to take a seat at the table and Ben had to take the situation in hand and reveal the truth about himself. He had looked down into those huge brown eyes and all he saw was love. He knew he couldn't rely on initial reactions; that wouldn't be fair to either of them. He understood that Michael needed time to process the information.
Later when it became apparent that indeed Michael couldn't allow himself the freedom to be with Ben, Ben was devastated but he also understood. He knew how absolutely terrifying that prospect must be; to love someone -- to have them in your heart but at the same time not knowing what the future held. Fortunately for Ben, Michael came to his own realisation that his life had been touched with a true love and that he owed it to himself to explore that -- no matter how much pain that might entail, if you didn't try, you would never know. Ben tried to place Michael in the headspace where he was -- explaining that there was no future, only now -- no matter what the circumstances, no one really knew what their future held and that you had to embrace each day for what it held, not the possibility of what it might hold.
Those sentiments are how Ben and Michael have lived the past 8 years. They grasp each morning with a renewed sense of fulfilment and know that the day ahead will be filled with love and adoration of another.
As Ben blew out his candles and felt Michael's hand on the small of his back; he took a look around at the faces of love that held a position in both their lives. Deb beaming from ear to ear, holding her granddaughter JR. Brian with his arm draped around Justin's shoulder; Emmet and Ted singing a silly little ditty to mark the occasion. Carl in the background -- not one for sentimental gatherings but knowing how important this day was on so many levels; Hunter with the camcorder capturing every precious moment -- Mel and Lindsay busying themselves with serving the cake and of course Michael, his strength, his purpose for living -- the blood that coursed through his veins and gave him a reason to at least hope for another birthday.
There is no tomorrow, there is only now -- but if tomorrow never comes, Ben and Michael will both have the knowledge that true love won out and their hearts will never be empty.
End of "Embracing Each Day" by Jannine (greenbeltave@optusnet.com.au)