Summary: Understanding true love and how it came about; nurturing it and never wanting to be without it.
Archive Date: 08 April 2006
As the key slipped into the lock and made the familiar click Michael chuckled "Can you believe they did that?"
Both Michael and Ben slipped inside the house and Ben fumbled to turn on lights.
"Of course I can believe it; they are our wonderful and generous friends!"
They moved through to the living room and Michael set down the huge bottle of champagne tied with an elaborate yellow bow.
"They are wonderful and generous aren't they? Can you believe that speech Brian made?"
Ben took 2 champagne flutes from the cabinet and declared "It was very touching and I even thought I saw a flicker of a tear in his eye at one point! Who would have thought?"
"I know. I'm still amazed -- when we first walked in and it became apparent that they were throwing us an Anniversary Party my immediate thought was that Brian wouldn't show. I mean, he never goes to these things. I think the last important function he attended was our house-warming and we all know how much he enjoyed that get-together!"
Ben smiled at the memory. "He was so against marriage; not just our marriage, but marriage in general. It was the last thing he ever thought he would contemplate and he hated to be reminded. When his best friend ran off and got married and bought a house he somehow thought that would change him, you, your friendship."
Michael popped the cork loudly and Ben held up the glasses. "He got scared -- that's all there was to it. When I tried to explain to him that my destiny was fulfilling itself I'm sure I saw a flicker of wonderment in his eyes; it was like he suddenly realised that he was happy for me, for us, for what we had.... I think he truly wanted that for himself as well."
"Well Brian was never devoid in pushing us and making us feel lesser as gay men because we dared to get married; and I knew even way back then it was something he wished he could have. I deduced many years ago that Brian Kinney secretly lusted after what you had, what you achieved and it wasn't until Justin moved away that he realised he had lost his chance for that happiness..."
A sadness came over Michael's face. "He should have gone after Justin; he can still go after Justin! I actually said that to him last week. We were having a conversation about love and lost love and discussing old relationships and such and..."
Ben tried to elicit further information. "Did you talk about David Cameron?"
Michael smiled warmly at his husband of 5 years and said "Well, yes, of course I did. Before you, I had only ever been in love once before and that was with David. Can I finish my story now?"
Ben smiled apologetically and Michael wasn't sure if it was because Ben had interrupted his story-telling or because he had asked about David.
"Anyway, we were talking about lost love and whatnot and Brian brought up Justin's name. Apparently they talk at least every few days and they're still very close. I asked Brian if he had any intention of ever going to see Justin and he flat out told me to mind my own business. I told him he was living in the dark and that he needed to own up to his feelings of love for Justin."
"I never understood why Brian could never tell Justin how he felt. I understood him letting Justin go and as painful as it was, I'm sure it was the right thing for both of them at the time... oh, am I interrupting again?"
Michael sipped his champagne and continued. "He got really agitated and told me I didn't know anything about lost love. He told me straight out that David was a passing fad and that there was no real love between us and that it wasn't until I met you that I even knew what real love was and that I hadn't experienced lost love because you and I are here, living our lives, living proof that destiny is certainly a part of life and that that this was mine."
A tear came to Ben's eye. Michael looked concerned. "Honey, what's wrong?"
"Nothing baby... I was just thinking how right Brian was. That our life is chosen for us the moment we come into this world, I truly believe that. I believe that the day I walked into your comic store that my life, my journey, my destiny was sealed. Even after we broke up in the early stages I knew it wasn't over. I somehow knew that someone like you didn't come into my life only to be sent away again through fear. I had an epiphany a few nights later; the revelation of my fate as I knew it was going to play out and that my road to happiness and fulfilment had been paved."
Michael choked back tears "Ben, you've never told me that before... so you knew all the way back then that we'd be okay?"
"Yep! I knew all those extraneous forces were coming into play and that those influences were keeping you at bay but I also knew that what I was feeling for you -- you were also feeling for me and when I found you loitering outside my apartment building that day, I knew then that everything was right again."
Michael thought back as Ben relayed his thoughts. "But you didn't want to give me a second chance; I had to work really hard to make you see how much I wanted you, needed you."
"It wasn't a second chance Michael, not as I saw it -- it was the only chance. I knew if you could have your time over you wouldn't have handled it the same way and I knew if I gave you time to think things through that you would be clear on what you really wanted. I didn't want to waste another opportunity; to let you back in and wonder if you were truly ready yet; I didn't want to go through that hurt again... so I turned you away and I wanted to give you the necessary time to grasp what it was you wanted with both hands and never want to let go, which is exactly what you did... when we came together again, I knew it was forever."
Michael brushed away a tear and said shakily "You are the most amazing man I have ever met, ever likely to meet."
Ben slipped his arms around Michael's waist and looked down into his deep brown eyes "Why baby?"
"Because your strength of character speaks volumes in every word you speak; every sentence you utter is filled with such expression and love and sometimes I can't believe that you truly are mine, my husband, my lover, my best friend..."
Ben brushed his lips lightly over Michael's and fought back the urge to cry. Michael noted the cloudiness in Ben's steel blue eyes and asked "I'm sorry... What did I say?"
Ben bit his bottom lip and tried to speak "What you just said... you have the amazing ability to lift my spirits soaring into the heavens. You are so diffident in your own capabilities -- you denigrate your own character by believing that you are not worthy of the kind of love we share and you don't understand how I want to emulate you in every way. Michael, you are the most wonderful, beautiful, giving person I am ever likely to meet and I really can't imagine my life without you; don't you know that by now?"
Michael brought Ben's face down to meet his and they kissed deeply, delving into the passion that had arisen between the two men while speaking of their true innermost feelings.
Ben felt overwhelmed, engulfed by the passion that was taking them over. Michael's moist lips were enticing Ben to kiss him more deeply, Ben complied. As his tongue passed by Michael's inviting lips, Michael's hands caressed his husband's broad, strong back and Ben drove deeper, losing himself in the sheer exhilaration that always took him when his mouth found Michael's.
They moved into their bedroom, their hands never leaving one another. After 7 years of being together and after 5 years of marriage, they never tired of one another; neither of them could ever get enough love, passion, and oneness. The special bond that each of them felt when making love grew in intensity over the years; it never waned not even for a moment. Their compatibility in the bedroom was something they kept to themselves; too special to share with outsiders. Michael always dodged questions from the enquiring minds of people like Emmett and Ted about how he and Ben kept their love-life interesting after so long and he knew he couldn't describe it even if he wanted to.
How do you convey to people how your body aches just to be near your husband? How do you explain that every nerve ending, every fibre in your body is afire with sensations you never knew you could feel just with one touch, with one kiss. How you long to be held in the arms of the man that you love more than life itself and that when he enters your being, your mind fills with such emotion that you think you'll never think clearly again, ever. There is no way to convey that to people; unless they've felt such passion, they could never understand it.
When talking in his class about literary works dealing in high passion; Ben is careful not to bring into play his own thoughts and feelings -- not ever wanting to consciously share the intimate details of his own life; of his sexual fantasies that are played out each and every time he and Michael are alone together, like now. How his faade never lets Michael know that he is scared of disappointing him, not fulfilling him in every way possible. Michael believing that he is the only insecure person in their relationship is a fallacy and Ben vowed to never let Michael believe that he is anything less than the perfect lover. Michael was a formidable partner in the bedroom and it took barely a glance from him to turn Ben into a quivering mess. Ben's breath would catch and his stomach would flutter as Michael's body neared his. It was all Ben could do to not fall to his knees.
Lips locked and naked bodies entwined within the bedding, Ben and Michael celebrated their 5th wedding anniversary in the only way possible -- together and as one. Perception of bliss was heightened with each deep entry; hands and fingers intertwined in unison as their bodies released their momentous exhilaration -- heat searing from immense passion as control was taken away from them yet again. Destiny, fate, epiphanies and love had been experienced again and some time later, the all consuming passion would fulfil them yet again....
End of "Anniversary Acknowledgments" by Jannine (greenbeltave@optusnet.com.au)