Chapter 2
Author: Ellen
Rating: R (overall story)
Spoilers: Somnambulist
Summary: The events of Somnambulist as they might have happened in the 'Power of Three' universe.
Thoughts between Angel, Doyle and Cordelia are marked //like this.//
Things weren't quite the same after coming back from the dead.
Mostly, they were quite a bit better, Doyle thought, as he found his fingers gently tracing the outline of the tattoo on Angel's back.
Since his return, he had spent every night with Cordelia and Angel, right here in Angel's bed. He was officially living with Cordelia now, at her apartment (his own had been rented to someone else, once he was dead) but neither of them spent much time there. Neither Angel nor Cordelia seemed to be able to bear letting him out of their sight for more than a few minutes.
He'd noticed that Angel seemed to sleep less and less now and not just because he and Cordelia were keeping him busy. Every time he opened his eyes during the night, he'd find Angel sitting up, watching him.
Sometimes it was a bit oppressive, having them both in his head and... other places... all the time. Doyle would have liked some solitude now and then. He'd been on his own for too many years and he wasn't accustomed to all this togetherness.
Then again, he'd had plenty of space of his own while he was drifting in limbo, with nothing else to do but be dead. All things considered, this did beat the alternative by a long mile.
Angel and Cordelia were drowsily entangled below him and the vampire's face was mostly covered by Cordelia's hair. Stretched out across them, Doyle didn't need to see Angel's expression to know what he was feeling, as Doyle's warm fingers moved slowly against his cool skin.
Now that the three of them were linked, he didn't think they'd ever be able to keep secrets again.
Trust Angel to prove him wrong.
Maybe Angel was just better at keeping his own thoughts private, despite the link, than he and Cordelia were... for the moment. But things can change.
The three of them had certainly shown that.
As Doyle brushed the tips of his fingers down the inside of Angel's arm, tracing the vein path from elbow to wrist, he thought, with wonder, //Funny. I'm still expectin' to feel a pulse. Silly of me, ain't it?//
//You don't remember. But once you did feel a pulse.//
//What do you mean?//
Without opening his eyes, Angel sent, //That day that the oracles took back, not long before you...//
//Died, yeah, go on.//
Half-hearing the thought, Cordelia, still mostly asleep, reached out to hug Doyle more closely against her.
//When I turned human, you knew it, as soon as you saw me. I don't think you were too happy about it, either.//
//Say what?//
//You walked over to me and checked for my pulse.// Angel sent Doyle the memory, Doyle's tense, worried face seen through Angel's eyes and Doyle puzzled over the image. It was bizarre to see someone else's memory of him doing something which, for him, had never happened.
Then again, just being alive right now and with Angel and Cordelia like this was bizarre enough to beat all the rest.
//Later on, after you took me to see the oracles, you said that I was free to do whatever I wanted. You looked at me in the strangest way and you said that the question was, what did I want?//
Doyle looked at the image of his own face as Angel had seen it. //Man, I don't remember it but it's the oddest thing, I feel like I really was there, y'know?//
//You were there. You asked me the right question. I just didn't have the right answer.//
//Still not gettin' it, or... am I?//
//I think you're starting to get it. I thought that I knew what I wanted.//
//Buffy.//
//But I was wrong. Why did you have to die before I could figure that out?//
Angel opened his eyes and reached out to stroke Doyle's cheek. The tenderness of it made Doyle shiver.
//You were standing right there. The best friend I'd ever had. You understood everything that mattered about me. But I didn't know yet what I really wanted.//
Doyle brought up his hand and closed his own fingers over Angel's, where they lingered at his jaw. He turned his lips against Angel's hand. //You had to find out for yourself, man. Nobody could tell you. I know how that goes.//
//I wonder sometimes,// Angel sent. //I gave up the day because I knew that if I went on, either I would die, or Buffy would. Maybe both of us would. If I gave her up, we both might survive. But it never occurred to me that you might die. Not for a moment.//
//It wasn't exactly a planned event,// Doyle responded wryly. //Maybe I should've sent invitations, y'know, so we could've made a party out of it.//
Suddenly Angel sat up, fast enough that he jostled Cordelia, startling her awake. His face had gone hard and tight and although it was still in human form, Doyle thought he might be catching a faint gleam of yellow in the vampire's eyes.
//Don't make light of it. Not even you.//
Doyle pulled back, a little frightened. Cordelia sat up, blinking, reaching out a reassuring hand to clasp Doyle's shoulder.
//We can't joke about it yet,// she sent. //Maybe someday.//
//Hey, sorry, I didn't mean...//
Doyle stared at Angel, sensing the struggle that was dimly reflected on the pale, set face.
//I'm the one who's sorry,// Angel finally sent but his mental voice was tightly controlled.
//Damn it, stop blocking us out.//
//You don't want to be sharing what I'm feeling right now.//
//Try me.//
//Well, how about this, then? Anyone I've ever loved...//
Even in his mind, Angel couldn't finish. Doyle tried, gently, to finish for him.
//...has died? Guess that goes with livin' forever, don't it?//
//Worse than died. One way or another, I've destroyed them.//
//Not true. Buffy's alive, an' even though you love us now, that doesn't mean you didn't love her. You just learned to let her go, is all. Hell, even Spike's still running around causin' havoc...//
Despite himself, Angel smiled a little. //And what makes you think I ever loved Spike?//
Cordelia put in, //Well, the two of you hate each other way too much not to have loved each other before. See, even I know that. I mean, the torture and all? Complete giveaway.//
Doyle teased, //Oh then, you're figurin' the two of us must've loved each other in a previous life then? 'Cause you sure seemed to hate me at the start, darlin'.//
She shook her head. //Never hated you,// she denied. //Maybe you just reminded me a little too much of Xander, is all.//
//And that is a bad thing, right?//
//Was once, not any more. But I didn't really know I loved you either,// Cordelia went on. //Well, at least not till that demon-guy told me you were half-demon and guess what, it didn't matter. Except that I was so mad at you for not telling me.//
Her thoughts seemed to glance sidewise toward Angel for a moment.
//But,// she sent to Doyle, //Maybe I still wasn't really sure, not even then. Not until you kissed me. Then, I knew.//
Angel asked him softly, //And when did you know?//
//That I loved you both? Oh, that day, I guess, for me too,// he responded slowly. //If you'd asked me, was there anyone I'd die for, I would've said no. Hell, I would've laughed and thought you were crazy. But I thought I was doin' the right thing, you know. I just wanted you both to live. I couldn't stand the idea of a world without either one of you in it.//
//We know.//
//I didn't mean to be hurtin' you both so much. I never would have thought it.//
//We know. That's why sometimes we just can't get enough of you.//
//Gets a little crowded in my head at times,// he admitted.
Cordelia caught at Doyle's hand and gripped it tightly. //Angel and I, we're both still scared, you know, that we might turn around and you won't be here.//
Doyle turned toward her, because Angel's gaze was just too intense for him to bear right now but her eyes had almost the same expression.
//Sometimes,// Cordelia thought very quietly, //I would wake up hearing you scream. I couldn't get that sound out of my head.//
He dropped his eyes, to stare at her hand instead of her face but he could still feel them both in his mind. Part of him wanted to run away, to hide from their pain and their love.
But he knew that he couldn't hide, not this time.
And he wasn't going to let Angel hide either, no matter how hard he tried.
Angel seemed to have gathered himself together, in the way he usually did, by closing himself down as tightly as he could. They could feel him shutting them out and he knew it. It was tougher than it had ever been before.
He couldn't let them know how much he feared that he might harm them. What if they found out how much a part of him still relished the killing dreams? Doyle had jumped back from him in fright when his anger had flared up just moments ago.
What if they were to feel how much he needed to own them, how very much he wanted to keep them both chained to this bed?
What would happen if he felt them learn to fear him, through the bond?
What would happen if he liked the taste of their fear?
That was the most terrifying thought of all.
