Outskirts	 Disclaimer: This story is written for the private
entertainment of fans. The author makes no claims on the characters or
their portrayal by the creation of this story. Phil and TJ McKenzie belong
to SL Haas and are used in this story with her permission. Cat Madden
belongs to me. No infringement of any copyrights held by CBS, Alliance,
CTV or any other copyright holders of DUE SOUTH is intended. This story is
not published for profit, and the author does not give permission for this
story to be reproduced for profit.
 
 Rated PG for swearing and adult situations - m/f and original character
 
 Lyrics from Outskirts by Blue Rodeo and Am I In Your Way by The Northern
Pikes used without permission.
 
 Outskirts
 
 Here on the outskirts of life
 Dreams seldom come true
 Flippin' through photographs, emotional holographs
 Cutouts of all the figures you might have been
 Reflections of a life you once lived
 
 
 The silence of his apartment was almost deafening. After the constant
buzz of noise at the hospital and Becka's presence in his home he had
forgotten how loud and hollow and empty silence could sometimes be. He let
out a sigh that spoke of deep, deep sadness and settled back in his
armchair, trying not to wish for time to hurry.
 
 It wasn't that he didn't like silence. When he was a young man his friend
Quinn had taught him the secret of silence and so profoundly had it
affected him that he carried that teaching into his adult life like
precious treasure. He knew how to listen to silence and hear what it had
to say, becoming a part of its ebb and flow until he knew it like his own
heartbeat. 
 
 He recalled some Hindustani music Cat had once played for him. On first
listen it sounded like a drone but when he listened further, as Quinn had
taught him, it became a rich, colourful symphony full of light and dark,
high and low. 
 
 Unlike the silence that surrounded him in Chicago.
 
 Closing his eyes, Ben thought of Quinn in his homeland and not for the
first time longed for the silent emptiness of the Yukon, wishing he could
instantly find himself transported there, embraced by its vastness instead
of feeling lost, as he did, in the claustrophobia of Chicago. The Inuit
people he had known all his life knew how to live in confined conditions
and they knew how to achieve solitude by distancing themselves, regardless
of the proximity of their neighbours. In order to survive in Chicago he
adopted that same technique, distancing himself emotionally for fear of
becoming someone he did not care to be. But it seemed it had happened
anyway. 
 
 He opened his eyes slowly, glancing around the spartan room in which he
had lived for three years, seeing it for the first time as others must.
Mentally he compared his home to others he had known. He thought of the
warmth of the Vecchio home and the untidy clutter of Cat's home. Both were
homes that instantly told of the lives lived there. But what of his own
home? 
 
 Running a more critical eye over the room he saw none of the things he
saw in other people's homes. No books by the bed, no discarded shoes by
the door - no sign that anyone lived here at all. He noted the neatly made
bed, its corners tucked away with military precision and the trunk beside
it, polished to a burnished glow. It looked almost as if it was waiting
for someone to move in. The only hint of life was the small lavender plant
on the mantel. The evidence of life in its grey-green leaves only served
to highlight the lack of life in the rest of the room. It seemed that in
order to survive he had done far more than distance himself emotionally.
It seemed that he survived by not living a life, but by being on the edge
of one. 
 
 Cat had said something to him last time they were together, something
about being on the edge. He scoffed out loud, enjoying the echo of his
derisive snort in the near empty room. He wasn't on the edge. He was on
the outskirts. The outskirts of other people's lives - the outskirts of
his own life. 
 
 Ben checked his watch. Ray would not arrive for another half-hour -
another thirty minutes to be alone with his thoughts. With some effort, he
pushed himself out of the chair, arousing Dief's interest long enough for
him to determine there was nothing worth getting up for. The wolf dropped
his muzzle onto his paws again as Ben headed towards the bricked in
fireplace on the other side of the room. Cat's last letter, received
during his time in hospital, rested on the mantel where Becka had placed
it the night before. 
 
 He reached for it and pulled out the two photographs she had sent,
telling himself he was just killing time. The first was of Becka taken
during her recent visit with Cat, only days before she had arrived in
Chicago. Dressed in shorts and a t-shirt she reclined in the old wicker
chair on Cat's back verandah, her legs propped up on the railing and in
her hand a large glass filled with something he couldn't identify but was
sure would be alcoholic, knowing Cat. He smiled warmly at the memory of
his sister as she had left that morning on her way to Kitimat. She was
excited about being on her way to a new beginning and he was proud of her.

 
 The other picture was of the large bed of columbines he had planted last
season, for Phil, now in their first bloom. In one corner Cat sat laughing
on the edge of the flowerbed, as if she had not known she was in shot and
the photographer, probably Lloyd, had called to her at the last moment.
Cat looked radiant and he greeted that knowledge with a mixture of
pleasure and pain, unable to stop a small stab of jealousy.
 
 As he tucked the letter and photos back into their envelope, Ben realised
that contained in these two pictures was proof of his earlier thoughts.
Two people he cared about were happy, their lives finally taking the
direction he had always wanted for them. But he could not be part of it.
He was forever destined to remain on the outskirts of the lives of
everyone he cared about. He could watch them be happy, fall in love, watch
their dreams come true, but it would never happen for him. His dreams
would never come true. He had no choice. He would remain on the outskirts
to survive not only Chicago, but also his whole life. It was safer that
way.
 
 Pushing aside his morbid mood, Ben headed for the kitchen. Diefenbaker
stirred and followed him into the small room, ever hopeful that his
packmate would give him something to eat.
 
 "You just want more of Becka's cookies," Ben scolded the wolf. "I know
you too well." He shook his head at the animal, but reached for the cookie
jar anyway. The cookies would spoil while they were in Canada, he
justified to himself as he scooped up a handful and deposited them in
Dief's bowl. "But don't blame me if you're sick on the plane." 
 
 Dief raised his eyes to look at Ben, assessing his injuries in a glance.
Who did Alpha Male think he was kidding? Dief wondered. He wasn't the one
likely to get sick.
 
 Ben took the remaining cookies for himself and reached into the
refrigerator for the bottle of milk, figuring he should finish that as
well, then carried his makeshift snack back into the main room. He
sidestepped the pack on the floor. He was unable to shift it and so it
remained where Becka had placed it earlier that morning, ready for Ray to
carry it to the car. For about the thousandth time that day he cursed
himself for allowing himself to be injured. He lowered himself into the
armchair and with uncharacteristic abandon, took a large bite of a cookie
and a slug of milk directly from the bottle.
 
 
 Ben was relieved when he finally heard Ray's confident footsteps in the
hall. As usual, he didn't bother with knocking and for once Ben was
pleased when the door flew open and Ray strode purposefully into the room.
 
 "Ready to go, Benny?" 
 
 Ben struggled out of the chair, trying not to wince at the lingering
discomfort. "Yes, Ray. Becka packed for me this morning and I have had
little to do but wait for you."
 
 Blatantly Ray looked him up and down, noting the sad look on his face.
"And you let yourself get all mushy, by the look of you."
 
 Ben stared off into the middle distance and Ray panicked, worried that he
had set his friend off on some emotional trip. It seemed everything these
days made him go silent and in an attempt to cover the emptiness, Ray
headed across the room to where Ben's pack lay waiting.
 
 "Anyways, lets get this overstuffed rucksack of yours into the Riv and
get you to the airport." He retrieved it from the floor and groaned
dramatically under its weight as he swung it onto his shoulders. "That is,
if it doesn't wreck my suspension."
 
 "Thank you, Ray." Ben's voice was deep and soft, little more than a
whisper.
 
 Startled by the depth of emotion in his friend's voice, Ray turned and
stared at Ben, mouth agape.
 
 Embarrassed and slightly shaken by the look on Ray's face, he continued.
"I mean for all your care during my .... incapacitation."
 
 The pack slipped off Ray's shoulder and he let it drop to the floor.
"Hell, Benny," he ground out in a voice raw with emotion, "if it wasn't
for me, you wouldn't be in this ... predicament ... again."
 
 The Mountie flinched at Ray's reference to the time he had shot him and
all the memories that went with it. They rarely spoke of what Ray had once
called 'The Victoria Incident'.
 
 "But this time you too were injured, Ray," Ben added quickly.
 
 A grin pulled at the corners of Ray's mouth. "So I guess we're 'even
Steven' now, hey, Benny?"
 
 A true smile crossed Ben's features and it warmed Ray to the core. It was
the first real smile he had seen in a long time.
 
 "I guess we are, Ray."
 
 This time when Ray collected Ben's pack it was light and Ray whistled as
he carried it downstairs. After a few final tasks, Ben and Diefenbaker
followed him. 
 
 
 
 "How many more names on the list, Marchand?" Cat asked as she slid into
the driver's seat of the RCMP jeep.
 
 Constable Marchand consulted his notepad. "Just three more, Sergeant."
 
 "OK, let's do it." She started the car. "What address?"
 
 Marchand read it to her and after mentally figuring out the route she
turned the vehicle in the direction that would take them there. They had
spent the better part of the day speaking to former employees of a shoe
factory that had recently burned to the ground, in the hope of finding
someone with an axe to grind. So far, all they had found were people who
had resigned of their own free will and barely gave their previous
employer a thought. 
 
 "Sergeant, I can complete the rest of the interviews on my own," Marchand
offered as they drove. "I know you have things to do."
 
 "No," Cat answered a little too quickly. She took a breath and in a
calmer tone continued, "We'll do it together. We don't know who did this
and for all we know the next one might be guilty."
 
 Even though Marchand had been back at work for four months now, Cat was
still a little protective of him. She had not forgiven herself for his
accident and that guilt made her cautious when it came to assigning
duties.
 
 "I just thought you might need to run some errands before you meet
Constable Fraser's plane." 
 
 Everyone in Moose Jaw had heard about Ben's injury and several of her
colleagues had offered to take shifts to give her time off when he
arrived.
 
 Cat smiled and when she responded it was as a friend, not a superior
officer. "Ah, Will, that's sweet of you, but it's not worth the risk. We
have enough time and if we don't, Ben will just have to wait for me." 
 
 Marchand nodded his acceptance and they grew quiet for a while as Cat
steered them to their destination. 
 
 "Forgive me for asking, Sergeant," Marchand began a little later, "but
are Constable Fraser's injuries very serious? I mean, if he has been sent
home to recover...."
 
 "Oh, it's nothing like that." Cat said it as much to reassure herself as
Marchand. She knew of Rob's concerns about the movement of the bullet.
"It's just that like you, Ben seems to have trouble following doctors
orders."
 
 Cat and Marchand exchanged a quick smile. Two weeks after his accident he
had begged her to let him come back to work and when she told him no he
had been shattered. But it didn't stop him heading out alone in a
snowstorm to help rescue several hikers he had heard were missing. With
his wounds still bandaged, Marchand had headed out and led the three
hikers back to safety without concern for his own wellbeing. When she
found out she reamed him out long and loud and then enfolded him in a hug,
making him promise never to be so stupid again.
 
 The final three interviews didn't take as long as Cat expected and before
she knew it she had completed the days work and was waiting at Moose Jaw
airport before Ben's plane even landed.
 
 
 
 Ben saw Cat almost as soon as he came through the gate. Standing proud in
her uniform and as tall as her 5'2" would let her, she stood her ground
amongst the throng of businessmen getting off the evening flight. In the
moments before she saw him, Ben watched her remembering many times over
the years when she had collected him at this same airport. Save for a few
lines around her eyes and the odd grey hair that she would deny, little
about her had changed. With a twinge of sadness he wondered if their
relationship had survived as well. Unbidden, the words of an old Northern
Pikes song came to mind. 
 
 Ya ever know a place where nothing ever changed? A place maybe you called
your home. And so simplified you really try to muster up a smile but only
loneliness is shown. 
 
 Cat spotted him and a smile spread across her features as she dashed
towards him. Ben mustered a smile and waited, trying not to let his fear
and loneliness show.
 
 "You've lost weight," Cat told Ben as she slipped into the arms he held
out to her.
 
 "Lost weight?" He laughed as he hugged her, not concerned for the pain in
his ribs. "Cat, I've been laying around in a hospital bed and not allowed
any exercise. I'm quite sure I have gained weight."
 
 She stepped out of his embrace and looked him up and down, smiling all
the while. "Well, I guess that means you won't be wanting any of the stuff
I baked." Taking his hand, she led him away to the baggage collection
area. "It's a good thing you brought Dief. I'm sure he'll eat fig cake."
 
 Ben's eyes widened and a childlike grin spread across his handsome
features. "Did you say fig cake?" 
 
 They both laughed and suddenly it was like it always had been. He let her
collect his pack and Diefenbaker and then together they headed out to
Cat's jeep. He listened while Cat filled him in on the local RCMP gossip
and recounted the details of her most recent cases at work, just as she
had so many other times before.
 
 No, nothing has changed, Ben admitted as they turned into the drive of
Cat's overly large house. He chided himself for thinking it would. He knew
Cat better than that. He turned his head and stared at her profile,
illuminated by the faint light from the dash. 
 
 "What are you staring at?" Cat brought the jeep to a halt in her usual
parking space.
 
 Ben grinned and waited while she put the vehicle in neutral, pulled on
the handbrake, turned off the ignition then turned to face him.
 
 "I was just thinking how you haven't changed."
 
 Her smile turned rueful. "That's not what you said last time."
 
 Ben dropped his gaze, remembering his last visit. "Last time I said a lot
of things I shouldn't."
 
 Reaching across the dark cabin she squeezed his knee affectionately.
"Well you can apologise for them inside. I know a couple of cats who are
anxious to see you and Dief."
 
 Ben smiled, suddenly relaxed. He was home again and nothing had changed.
 
 
 After a brief tug of war over the backpack and then some emotional
blackmail on Cat's part, they finally agreed to take Ben's pack upstairs
together after dinner. Cat left Ben and Dief to say their hellos to Sheila
and Bella and meet the new kittens then slipped off to the kitchen to put
together a tray of goodies. 
 
 "Ray told me you didn't want to come here because you thought you'd be
intruding," Cat said later as she returned with a tray of tea, cheese and
crackers and the promised fig cake.
 
 Ben made an embarrassed noise and stroked Sheila for a moment before
replying. "I know Lloyd is important to you and I know you don't get a lot
of time together....."
 
 "And you're important to me and we get even less time together." Cat slid
onto the coffee table, facing Ben so that their knees touched.
 
 Ben raised his eyes to look at his friend. "I ... I guess I thought ...
well, I thought you wouldn't want me around."
 
 Cat leaned forward and laid a gentle hand on his knee. "That's nonsense,
Ben. No matter what is going on in my life I will always, and I mean
always, have time for you. This is your home." She gestured around the
room, pointing out her proof in the stacks of Ben's books on the
bookshelves and the closet full of his sporting equipment. "Always will
be." She leaned further forward and poked a finger into his chest. "You're
family. Always will be." She shrugged and a mischievous grin lit her face.
"Why else would I let you and Becka waltz in and out of here whenever you
want with no consideration of my needs or privacy."
 
 Ben was shocked. "I've always respected your privacy."
 
 Cat grinned again. "Yeah, you have, but I can't say the same about your
sister."
 
 "Well, if you feel so strongly I can talk to her..."
 
 Cat laughed and shook her head. "No, I wouldn't change a thing. That's
exactly what I mean, Ben. You and Becka are family and you belong here
anytime you want. Hell, I want you to turn up whenever you feel like it
and I want you to feel like you can. You understand me?" She prodded his
chest again.
 
 Ben grabbed the finger poking his chest and pulled Cat off the table and
onto the sofa with him. "How does Lloyd feel about that?"
 
 Cat giggled as she tumbled onto the sofa against Ben, but when she spoke
her tone was serious. "Lloyd knows what you mean to me."
 
 "But how does he feel about it?"
 
 "If you're asking if he's jealous, Ben, I'm not even going to dignify
that with a response." She shook her head at the beginning of his protest,
effectively cutting him off. "Lloyd accepted me as I am and that means
accepting everything in my life as it is." Her voice lowered. "I wouldn't
let him be part of my life if he didn't, Ben. Don't ever doubt that." 
 
 Ben stared at her for a moment, reading the look in her eyes. He knew
what she said to be true and he felt suddenly ashamed that he had ever
doubted her. It was now his turn to return that love.
 
 "I thought Lloyd might be here. You said he comes most weekends."
 
 "He does, normally." Cat sat up again and busied herself pouring tea. "I
asked him not to come this weekend."
 
 Ben's heart sank. "Oh, Cat, I'm sorry. I didn't want you to change your
plans for me."
 
 She turned and handed him a mug of steaming tea. "I wanted to. We need a
bit of time together." Grinning, she nudged his foot with hers. "But don't
worry. You'll get your chance to meet Lloyd. He managed to swap shifts
with a colleague so he'll have some time off during the week. He's hoping
to get here Wednesday night."
 
 "Oh. Well, that is good. I'm looking forward to meeting him." Ben was
mildly surprised to find that he meant it.
 
 Cat sipped at her tea and regarded her friend over the rim of her mug.
"You'll like him, Ben," she said eventually.
 
 "I have no doubt of that. If he has managed to capture your heart when so
many others have failed, he must be a special person."
 
 A smile warmed Cat's eyes. "Are you making fun of me?"
 
 Ben sipped his tea before answering, a teasing smile lighting his face.
"I guess I was. " Shifting uncomfortably under the weight of cats in his
lap he struggled to find an easier position.
 
 Bella protested at being moved and slipped off Ben's lap to find a new
sleeping place that didn't move so much. She wandered through the french
doors moving slightly in the evening breeze and out onto the verandah to
settle against a snoozing Diefenbaker's belly. Sheila persisted and waited
for Ben to resettle before curling into a tight ball in his lap.
 
 "You really do spoil these cats, don't you?" Ben smiled as he stroked
Sheila affectionately. Although he loved the cats equally, he and Sheila
had always been bonded in some strange way.
 
 Cat raised an eyebrow and glanced over her shoulder to the verandah,
where Diefenbaker had not stirred. "Well, your wolf certainly seems the
model of restraint."
 
 Ben had the grace to look embarrassed for a second before changing the
subject. "Now what were we talking about?"
 
 Tucking her legs under her, Cat grinned at Ben. "You were teasing me
about my love life."
 
 He blushed and muttered something under his breath that she didn't catch.
 
 "You were right though, Ben. Lloyd is one special man." Her gaze drifted
over to the stairs and the wall of photos that showcased her life. Her
voice grew pensive. "I had no idea it would be like this."
 
 A lump formed in Ben's throat as he watched Cat, recognising in her
feelings that he was too familiar with. Feelings that he would rather he
knew nothing about. As his gaze shifted to Cat's wall of photos his
thoughts flowed along the well-trodden path that led him to memories of
Phil McKenzie. For just a second he allowed himself to remember a time
when he had stared into the distance as Cat did now, his heart full to
overflowing with newfound love.
 
 "Ben?" 
 
 He turned his head to meet her steady gaze and knew instantly that Cat
knew what was in his mind.
 
 "Would you like to see some photos?"
 
 Grateful that she was not going to question him, he leapt at the chance.
"Yes. Yes, I'd like that very much. It's about time I got to see what
Lloyd Hope looks like." 
 
 Cat had already selected a number of photographs for Ben to see. Aware
that he did not know about Phil's connection to the Hopes, she had
carefully removed any that might give away too much. She thumped her mug
onto the coffee table and skipped off to retrieve the photos from where
she had placed them on the dining table.
 
 After relieving him of his mug, Cat snuggled down beside Ben, flicking
through the pile of photos and handing them to Ben one at a time, keeping
up a running commentary as she did. 
 
 "I see Joseph hasn't changed," Ben commented as he looked at a picture of
the doctor organising a family barbecue. Cat agreed and handed him the
next picture.
 
 "Casey looks well. Life in Montana seems to agree with her."
 
 "But she's still in love with Ray. I think she'd be much better if he
would give up this guilt bullshit and get up there and see her."
 
 Ben's eyes widened in surprise. "Ah, so you know about that?"
 
 Cat nodded sadly. "Yeah, Casey told me the whole story just before she
grilled me about Ray."
 
 Sensing something he had seen before in Cat, Ben tilted his head and
fixed her with a steady gaze.
 
 "You're not going to interfere, I hope?" An almost forgotten memory came
back to Ben as soon as the words were out of his mouth. Casey had
interfered at a crucial time in his relationship with Ray and to this day
he believed she was instrumental in setting them on the path to
reconciliation. But he would never tell Cat that.
 
 Cat shrugged innocently. "No." She felt no guilt whatsoever for this tiny
white lie. She didn't tell him that she had already sent Ray photos of
Casey and that she and Trevor were keeping up their campaign of mentioning
her whenever they could. "I won't interfere." She crossed her fingers
behind her back and thought of Trevor.
 
 Ben frowned at her, not at all convinced she was telling the truth. 
 
 Before he could question her further, Cat continued with the photos,
showing him several of Emily and Trevor and various combinations of family
members. With a flourish she handed him the final one, a shot of Lloyd and
her that TJ had taken, although she did not mention that.
 
 "And this is Lloyd," she stated in a quietly reverent voice that Ben had
never heard her use before.
 
 He accepted the picture and spent long moments staring into the face of
the man who had won Cat's heart. A smile curled the corners of his lips.
As usual, Cat had neglected to mention that Lloyd was Native American. She
never bothered to tell him things like that; to her it never seemed
important. 
 
 He recalled an embarrassing moment ten years earlier when he had met an
Indonesian man named Eddie with whom Cat had become friendly. She had
neglected to mention where he was from or the fact that he was Muslim so
when they dined together that night in a Moose Jaw restaurant, Ben had
recommended the Canadian bacon. Eddie had handled the situation with a
grace that suggested he was well used to it. Ben had been too mortified to
speak for the rest of the evening. 
 
 Frowning slightly, he stared at the picture, realising that Lloyd did not
look as he expected. Of course he knew of Lloyd's cultural heritage. He
had recognised it in Emily when they first met. For some reason he had
expected Lloyd to look more like TJ and then he found himself wondering
why he had thought that.
 
 "So what do you think?" Cat asked, nudging Ben's shoulder.
 
 He smiled and handed the picture back to her. "He's a handsome man and
you look good together." Glancing up at the wall above the fireplace and
Cat's collection of Native American artefacts, he remembered her
attachment to the local Cree community and her long-standing friendship
with the Sunsinger family. 
 
 Her smile grew wistful as she followed Ben's gaze. "Remember I told you
that Calvin Sunsinger told me twenty years ago that I had a red heart?"
 
 His hand reached for Cat's and squeezed. "It seems he was right."
 
 They sat in silence for a few minutes. Cat slid to the edge of her seat
and reached for the cake on the tray. Picking up a knife, she glanced at
Ben and indicated the cake. He nodded and she cut them both a generous
slice. She handed Ben his slice and they ate together in silence for a
while.
 
 "Can we talk about what happened last time you were here?" She glanced
sideways to gauge the effect of her words.
 
 Ben popped the last bite of cake into his mouth, chewing deliberately as
he leaned forward to replace the empty plate on the table. He swallowed
twice and ran his left thumb over his left eyebrow before answering.
 
 Awkwardly he cleared his throat. "There's not really ... anything ... to
talk about."
 
 "Yeah, there is." Cat licked the crumbs off her thumb and dropped her
plate onto the table. "We've got to clear the air."
 
 Ben started to protest, but Cat held up her hand to stop him. "You left
here in a rush after I told you about Lloyd and it took months of phone
calls and letters before I felt like I was even getting through to you."
 
 He swallowed hard and managed what he knew to be a feeble answer. "But
that's ... all past."
 
 "We're communicating, yes, and you're here now, just like old times. But
something is missing."
 
 Ben said nothing. He hefted Sheila off his lap and leaned forward,
resting his forearms on his knees, hands hanging limply. 
 
 Cat waited. She knew his moods and reactions almost as well as her own
and she knew he would speak when he was ready.
 
 "I would have married you." Ben said eventually, in a low voice. "I
wanted to."
 
 "I know," Cat answered, sliding a gentle hand down the curve of his back.
"And another time I would have accepted."
 
 Sitting upright, Ben cast a quizzical glance her way. "You would?"
 
 She nodded. "It's not that I don't love you, Ben. We could have been
happy together." 
 
 Ben turned sideways on the sofa and stared at Cat. 
 
 "But once I met Lloyd, I knew it would never be the right thing for us.
Surely you know that, too?"
 
 Fearing he knew the turn the conversation was taking; he turned away and
moved to the edge of his seat. 
 
 "Don't, Cat..." he said in a voice that spoke of old pain.
 
 Copying his pose, Cat leaned down so that their heads were level. "How
can I not, Ben?" When no answer came she took a deep breath and spoke from
the heart. "I know what you feel for her. I always thought I knew what you
felt for her, but now, well now I really know what you feel for her
and....," she tilted her head to look at her friend, "I don't know how you
can bear to be without her."
 
 Unable to sit still any longer, Ben flowed from his seat, grimacing at
the pain caused by the too sudden movement. "I thought you said you didn't
want to talk about her with me?" His words were angry, but lacked depth.
He walked towards the verandah doors, staring out across the gardens.
 
 "Do you mean, Phil?" Cat rose to her feet and followed Ben. "She has a
name and it's OK to say it."
 
 He turned to face her, mouth agape. Becka had said almost the same thing
to him little more than 24 hours earlier. He struggled to find something
to say, but nothing sensible came to mind. He turned away from Cat's
knowing gaze and stepped onto the verandah, lowering himself into the
wicker chair that had seen better days.
 
 Cat was right behind him, settling on the verandah beside Diefenbaker and
Bella. "OK, I accept you don't want to talk about Phil," she acknowledged,
stroking the snoozing wolf. "But accept that I know what's in your heart
and that I know you will have to deal with it some day."
 
 "I thought this conversation was about you and me?" Ben said, unable to
stop a note of petulance creeping into his voice. For a moment he wondered
why he had come to Canada.
 
 Cat's hand stilled in Dief's fur. She swallowed once and took a deep
breath before looking up to meet Ben's eyes. For a moment she wondered if
he showed this side of his nature to anyone else. Had Phil ever seen him
pouting like a spoilt child? Smiling inwardly, she filed the moment away
to use later as an example of reminding Ben about his home. Where else
could he act like this and get away with it?
 
 "Yes, Ben, this conversation is about you and me, but it's difficult to
ignore Phil's part in our lives." She waited while Ben fiddled intently
with the loose rattan edging on the chair and when he looked up at her she
continued. "I think you proposed to me, that you convinced yourself we
were meant to be together just as a way of ignoring what's going on in
your heart."
 
 "There's nothing going on in my heart, Cat. I wish you would stop this
insistence that Phil McKenzie and I have a future." He looked away from
Cat and off into the distance, his eyes eventually settling on the bed of
columbines, still in bloom. "I'm concerned about our friendship and all
you want to talk about is my love life."
 
 "Our relationship was never in any danger, at least not from me." Her
voice grew low and angry. "My feelings have never changed." 
 
 Ben stared, surprised by the vehemence in Cat's voice. He knew his friend
cared for him, no matter what he did and he felt suddenly ashamed.
Dropping his head he continued fiddling with the loose rattan.
 
 "The only danger to our relationship comes from whatever is going on in
your head, Ben." Cat continued, knowing that he would not respond. "And
that involves Phil McKenzie, whether you admit it or not."
 
 Still fidgeting with the worn edge of the chair, Ben absorbed Cat's
assertion, making no move to confirm or deny what she told him. He knew
her well enough to know that once she had made up her mind about something
there would be no changing it. He also knew her legendary sixth sense
would see beyond his words and anything he said would be a waste of
breath.
 
 Long, silent minutes came and went. In the time that passed, the shadows
they cast on the verandah lengthened and the dusk slipped around them,
enveloping them in its magic. As mealtime approached, the animals stirred
and began to demand food, so Cat rose quietly and headed for the kitchen
with a posse of four legged furballs behind her, leaving Ben alone on the
verandah to absorb her words.
 
 Sitting in the gathering darkness, Ben listened to the sounds emanating
from the kitchen as Cat fed her collection of animals. Naturally,
Diefenbaker had abandoned his company for the prospect of a meal and was
in the kitchen amongst the other creatures, whatever they might be. 
 
 With a start, it occurred to him that he hadn't even asked Cat about her
wildlife caring. As if on cue, he heard the high speed whirr of the food
processor and it gave him an indication as to the animals she had in care.
It seemed Cat had the usual mix of migratory birds and small furry things
that had met disaster in their travels. She cares more for those animals
than me, Ben told himself sulkily, wondering anew why he had come.
 
 Cat's soft voice drifted to where he sat, one moment gentling the nervous
wild creatures and the next scolding Dief and the cats for not sharing.
Her voice was tender and full of love, even when she pretended to be angry
at the cats. He felt left out.
 
 He shook his head as he remembered his thoughts from earlier that day.
It's true. I'm not part of this. A bitter laugh escaped his lips and a
pang of jealousy and self-pity shot through him. Even here, in the place
Cat tells me is my home; I'm on the outskirts. After all the things he had
shared with Cat he even felt on the outskirts of her life.
 
 Suddenly restless, he pushed himself from the chair and wandered back
into the house. As though drawn by some magical force, he found himself
crossing the room to stand at the foot of the stairs. As he gazed at Cat's
collection of photos he realised there were several new ones. Walking up
three steps, he quickly scanned the additions, his eyes finally coming to
rest on a photo of Phil and the McKenzie clan, seemingly taken at
Christmas.
 
 With Phil were TJ and Rob and a woman and two children he guessed to be
Rob's family. I could have been there, he told himself. Sadly, he knew,
this was another happy event he would never be a part of. Another life he
was on the outskirts of.
 
 A loud miaow from Bella and a muttered curse as she tripped over the
feline signalled Cat's exit from the kitchen. Ben recognised the soft step
of Diefenbaker on the moss green carpet behind him and leaned down to
stroke his companion as he joined him on the step. Without looking, he
knew Cat was there too.
 
 "Ben?" Her voice came from the foot of the stairs.
 
 Ben indicated the wall. "You've added quite a few pictures since I was
here last." 
 
 Cat joined Ben on the third step. "Well, there's been lots going on that
I want to record."
 
 Ben thought for a moment and then indicated the picture he had been
inspecting before Cat's arrival. 
 
 "So this is Rob's family?" 
 
 "Yeah," she confirmed, stepping around Ben to switch on the wall light.
"Beth is a lovely woman and their kids are great."
 
 Leaning forward, he looked at the picture more closely in the soft light
and frowned. "She seems familiar."
 
 Cat went cold. It never occurred to her that Ben might realise that Beth
looked a lot like Casey. She had to think fast. "Maybe you've seen her
around the hospital?"
 
 "Perhaps." 
 
 His voice told her that it was not a pressing issue in Ben's mind and so
she let it slide. She watched helplessly as his eyes returned to the photo
of Phil and her family.
 
 "Are you hungry?" Cat asked. "I've made something...."
 
 Dragging his attention away from Phil's picture he turned to his friend.
"I had a snack on the plane, but I could eat a little."
 
 "Good," she smiled at him. "I put together an antipasto plate. We can sit
on the verandah and nibble." Cat skipped down the stairs and headed toward
the kitchen once more.
 
 "Antipasto plate?" The photo of Phil's family forgotten, Ben followed
Cat, intrigued by this new addition to her vocabulary. "Since when do you
use words like that?" A smile touched his lips. "It seems that Ray has
influenced you more than I realised."
 
 By the time he caught up with her, Cat was pulling a platter from the
fridge and piling plates and cutlery onto a tray.
 
 She glanced at Ben with a cheeky smile. "So you think Ray is the only
Italian I know?" 
 
 He rolled his eyes as she handed him the tray. "I see falling in love has
done nothing to change you," he teased as he walked from the kitchen.
 
 Behind him, Cat's laughter rang freely in the warm evening air. Much to
his surprise, Ben found himself smiling contentedly. For the moment, at
least, his self-pity was forgotten and things were as they always had
been. For the moment, at least, nothing had changed.
 
 
 The small meal they shared on the verandah filled Ben's heart with
something close to happiness as he and Cat laughed and teased each other
as always. They drifted into the kitchen to clean up after and then
drifted back to the verandah with mugs of tea in hand. Still chatting and
sipping tea, they drifted down into the garden where Cat plucked a few
ripe vegetables as they walked.
 
 When it was time for bed, Ben's relative peace was suddenly shattered. He
had always shared Cat's bed and now he did not feel that he should.
Suddenly terrified, he headed up the stairs, not bothering to argue with
Cat about who would carry his pack.
 
 At the top of the stairs Ben turned towards the guestroom and faltered.
'Should I say something?' he wondered as he heard Cat's footfall on the
steps behind him as she struggled under the weight of his pack. He turned
to her as she reached the top step.
 
 "I, ah, I'll..." He gestured meekly towards the guestroom, in an attempt
to make his intentions known.
 
 Cat dropped the pack on the landing and folded her arms over her chest,
cocking her head to one side, a smile pulling at her lips. She loved it
when Ben got flustered like this.
 
 "You know, Ben, you and I have shared beds for years without having sex."
 
 His gaze dropped instantly to the floor, all too aware of the flush
creeping up his cheeks. He cursed Cat's bluntness and he cursed himself
for being so easily embarrassed. Stuttering, he formulated his reply.
 
 "B...b...but you were never involved with anyone."
 
 Cat laughed delightedly. "Course I was! And don't forget you were engaged
to Phil."
 
 He fixed her with a no nonsense stare. "This is different now, Cat." 
 
 Touched by his concern, she closed the space between them and spoke in a
tender voice. "Look, I'm not trying to convince you, Ben and I certainly
don't mean to make you uncomfortable. I just want you to know that nothing
has changed."
 
 He nodded and gave a small smile. "Understood. Thank you."
 
 Cat lifted her hand and brushed it gently across Ben's shoulder. "I'm
glad you came."
 
 "Me too."
 
 He let Cat drag his pack and deposit it inside the guestroom, then they
bade each other goodnight and turned to their respective rooms.
 
 Outside in the hallway, Diefenbaker wavered, undecided as to which room
he should sleep in. The deciding factor was Sheila pushing past him and
heading into the guestroom to sleep with Ben. With a snort of disgust,
Dief turned and stalked to the bedroom opposite. There would be much more
room on the Cat Woman's bed anyway.
 
 It wasn't until much later, after he had cleaned his teeth and completed
the exercises set by Rob McKenzie that Ben noticed Cat's addition to the
guestroom. On the chest beside the bed sat a tall, slender black vase
filled with columbines and sprigs of lavender. She had known all along he
would sleep in the guestroom. When he slid between the cool sheets he was
smiling.
 
 
 The scent of lavender drifted to him on the breeze, arousing his senses
and making his heart beat faster. Opening his eyes, Ben looked around,
trying to figure out where he was and how he had gotten there. How had he
come to be standing in a freshly turned field, one that looked ready for
planting? Before he could think any further, a deep rumbling sound began
in the distance. Cocking his head to one side Ben listened, trying to
determine what the sound might be. The sound grew louder, as if it
travelled towards him at great speed.
 
 Suddenly, Ben found himself standing on the edge of a great swirling
whirlpool. He took a step backwards, away from the circular pull of water,
glancing down as an occasional splash touched his boots. A cry rang out
from the centre of the whirlpool and his head snapped up, his keen eyes
catching sight of a dark head disappearing beneath the waves. It was a
woman. 
 
 It was Phil.
 
 Heart in his throat, Ben dove into the swirling waters and began to swim
towards Phil. As the waves rose and fell he could see her slip beneath the
water and re-emerge a moment later, still calling for help. But no matter
how hard he swam he could never reach her. The force of the water
continually drove him back to the edge of the whirlpool.
 
 He screamed out in a confusion of anger and panic as he watched Phil
disappear under water once again. He renewed his efforts to reach her to
no avail. Suddenly Phil's cries ceased and he saw a dark-haired man
swimming towards her.
 
 As Ben watched from the edge of the whirlpool, Phil slipped into the
other man's arms and he rose above the water, carrying her to safety. He
called out to Phil and the man to stop, but they continued to move away
from him. He continued to call until the pair disappeared from sight.
 
 
 The first anguished cry dragged Cat from a deep sleep. She stirred,
flipping over onto her back in irritation at being awakened from a good
dream. Was it Ben? She waited a moment for another cry, but when none came
she let sleep drag her under again.
 
 When Ben called out again she was instantly awake. When he called a third
time she disentangled herself from the pile of sleeping animals and dashed
across the hall to check on her friend. Briefly she wondered if her
guestroom was haunted. Only a few weeks earlier she had made a similar
trip across the hall to rouse Becka from a nightmare. Sparing a quick
thought for the strangely absent Bob Fraser, she realised the Frasers had
enough of their own ghosts without being bothered by any others that might
live in her home.
 
 Ben was awake by the time Cat joined him in the guestroom.
 
 "Did I wake you?" he asked as she approached.
 
 She nodded, dropping to her knees and resting her elbows on the foot of
the bed.
 
 "You OK?"
 
 "Yes, I'm fine. Just a bad dream." He ran a hand through his hair and
tried to look calm, pleased that the light was dim and Cat could not see
his eyes.
 
 Cat chuckled softly. "You crazy Frasers are going to drive me batty.
Becka had some bad nightmares when she was here. I'm beginning to think
it's my house."
 
 He smiled down the bed at her and sat up, pulling his knees to his chest
as a resigned look crossed his face.
 
 "Becka wouldn't talk to me about the Soldiers."
 
 "We just have to help her put it behind her now." 
 
 Ben nodded agreement, not noticing Cat's deft sidestep of his attempted
diversion of her attention. 
 
 "But what about you? Do you have a lot of bad dreams?"
 
 His shrug was barely visible in the dim moonlight. "Not really." He
didn't want to talk to Cat about his dreams. He knew it would take no time
for her to wheedle the truth from him.
 
 Narrowing her eyes in suspicion, Cat said, "Anything you want to talk
about?"
 
 He shook his head and swung his legs over the side of the bed.
 
 She sighed and rested her forehead on the foot of the bed. "I'm not
trying to pry, I just want to make sure you're OK."
 
 "I'm fine." He leaned over and patted the top of her head. "I'm going to
make some chamomile tea. Would you like some?" 
 
 Without waiting for her answer, he headed out the door and down the
stairs to the kitchen. Cat watched him go and sighed. Although the urge to
go back to bed was strong, she dragged herself to her feet and followed
him to the kitchen. That's what family is about, she told herself as she
made her way through the dark house.
 
 
 Ben dragged a kitchen chair close to the window and sat down, staring
silently at the evening primrose in bloom outside the window, its scent
drifting to where he sat. He sipped at his tea, the steam curling around
his face as Cat joined him, pulling a chair beside his and propping her
feet on the windowsill.
 
 "This is good tea."
 
 Cat sipped at hers and grunted in agreement. "Sara Sunsinger's home grown
chamomile flowers. I'll give you some to take back to Chicago." Sara knew
Ben favoured chamomile and often delivered a pack to Cat if she knew he
would be in town.
 
 "Thank you."
 
 They fell silent, each lost in their own thoughts. Eventually Ben spoke,
but what motivated the words that fell from his lips he could not say.
 
 "I was dreaming about Phil."
 
 Cat almost choked on her tea and for a second wondered if Sara had added
something else to the mix. After Ben's vehement denial of feelings for
Phil McKenzie earlier in the evening, this was the last thing she expected
to hear from him.
 
 "Phil?" she managed to squeak out.
 
 "She was in a whirlpool and I tried to reach her. She kept dropping below
the surface and I thought she would drown. I tried to get to her but the
current kept throwing me back to the edge of the water." He stopped,
staring into the shadows outside the window, remembering his thoughts from
earlier in the day - thoughts of how he was on the outskirts of other
people's lives. It seemed his dream confirmed his own fears.
 
 "And what happened?"
 
 Sipping at his tea, Ben wondered about what had happened next. What did
it really mean?
 
 "Phil was calling out and then she stopped suddenly. I thought she had
drowned, but then I saw a man swimming through the water to get to her. He
picked her up and carried her away."
 
 Cat turned, inspecting Ben's perfect profile in the pale moonlight. His
expression was unreadable. Dropping her eyes, she fiddled with her mug and
then set it down on the windowsill.
 
 "There's something I should tell you, Ben."
 
 Alarmed, he snapped his head around to look at her. "What?"
 
 "Phil is involved with someone. She says she's going to marry him."
 
 A million thoughts ran through Ben's mind but one continued to return,
taunting him. I've missed my chance.  
 
 "Is ... is she ... happy?"
 
 Cat swivelled on her seat and planted her feet on the rung of Ben's
chair, leaning towards him. 
 
 "She tells me she is."
 
 "I see."
 
 "You could stop her, Ben."
 
 He shook his head quickly. "No. No. You say you gave her my address at
Christmas and she's made no attempt to contact me. I assume that means she
has found happiness with this ... other man."
 
 Ben's reaction was exactly as Cat expected. There was no point pushing
him any further. All she could do was plant the seed.
 
 "I just thought you should know."
 
 Ben nodded, then quickly swallowed the last of his tea. Rising hurriedly,
he crossed the room and tidied away the tea making things, trying hard not
to think about Phil.
 
 After a momentary hesitation, Cat pushed the chairs back under the
kitchen table and waited for Ben to finish. Just before they left the
kitchen, he turned and fixed Cat with an intense stare.
 
 "Does he treat her well?"
 
 Cat thought about all she had heard about Martin. By all accounts he
loved Phil deeply. "I believe so."
 
 Ben nodded then turned on his heel, walking slowly towards the staircase.
Cat sighed and followed him. Neither of them slept well that night.
 
 
 The two days that followed were relatively calm. When Ben did not ask
further about Phil, Cat didn't push it. They had their own healing to do.
Cat was not so silent about Ray and Casey, giving Ben all sorts of reasons
why he should push Ray towards his love. Nor was she silent about Becka,
grilling Ben mercilessly about her visit to Chicago and making threatening
noises when she learned of the things the young Fraser woman had neglected
to mention.
 
 Their time was filled with more than talk. They were able to release many
of Cat's animals, returning them to nests and burrows around Cat's
property. A few animals arrived, injured by vacationers driving through
the area and Ben cared for them using skills Cat had taught him.
 
 Together they drove out to the reservation where the Sunsinger family
lived. Ben was finally able to thank Sara for the dreamcatcher Cat had
given him at Christmas. He was surprised to see Cat slip effortlessly into
near perfect Cree with the locals. He knew she spoke enough to communicate
when necessary, but it seemed she had learned a great deal more than he
realised. It had to be Lloyd's influence. For the briefest moment he felt
sad. In the past Cat had always shared her new experiences with him. He
watched her with renewed interest, pushing to the back of his mind any
thoughts that he was left out of a new part of Cat's life.
 
 Much of their time was spent outdoors. Diefenbaker enjoyed the
opportunity to frolic in the woods, tracking strange smells and digging in
the undergrowth. Although Ben's back injury and fractured ribs made
canoeing an uncomfortable prospect, they drove to the lake both days and
picnicked on the banks, enjoying being together in a way they had both
feared they never would again. During these moments neither Phil nor Lloyd
was mentioned.
 
 Cat couldn't stretch her mini vacation too long. She had imposed on the
goodwill of her colleagues to get three extra days off to be with Ben, but
she had to return to work. The night before she returned to work was to be
their final night alone before Lloyd arrived. They ate in town, dining at
a small but elegant restaurant they favoured. Cat drank a little too much
wine and Ben insisted on driving home, much to his discomfort. As he bade
a tipsy Cat good night, he laughed out loud, realising that he, too, felt
a little drunk. His happiness at regaining his closeness with Cat had set
his head spinning. He slept deeply that night, undisturbed by dreams.
 
 
 
 "Lloyd's plane arrives at 6," Cat told Ben over breakfast the next
morning. "I'll stay in town after work to wait."
 
 He nodded into his cornflakes. "It would be a waste of time to drive all
the way home and then back again."
 
 "Will you be OK?"
 
 "Yes, of course."
 
 "I mean, you'll be here all day with no transport. I can have one of the
guys stop by if you need something."
 
 "I won't have you using RCMP staff to run errands for me, Cat," he
admonished her.
 
 Cat shrugged. Ben's reaction was typical. "But you'll call me if you need
anything?"
 
 "Of course." He rose and rinsed his bowl at the sink. "Do you want me to
release the raven today?"
 
 "No, I thought I'd ask Lloyd to do it tomorrow." 
 
 Ben's face fell and he turned away to hide his hurt, feeling pushed to
the outskirts of yet another part of his life. The closeness of the past
few days disappeared.
 
 Observant as ever, Cat saw Ben's look of pain and was quick to back
pedal.
 
 "I don't mean that I don't want you to do it, Ben. It's just that I don't
want you heading out into the woods alone with your back and ribs the way
they are. If anything happened, well, I don't know what I would do."
 
 "You're right." He pushed away his hurt, aware that Cat was looking out
for his best interests, as always. When he turned to her, his smile was
back in place. "But you will let me cook dinner tonight?"
 
 Cat's heart melted. "That would be great." She smiled warmly, her heart
full of love for her friend that he would do this for her.
 
 
 Ben waited restlessly for Cat and Lloyd to arrive home. He had spent
several hours preparing what he hoped was a good menu; fresh tomato soup
made from Cat's own tomatoes followed by lasagne from a recipe Silvia
Vecchio had given him. He was tossing a salad of fresh leaves from Cat's
garden when he heard her jeep at the end of the drive just after 7pm. 
 
 He waited until he heard the engine stop then dashed into the living
room, straightened his clothes, ran a nervous hand through his hair and
waited. Scant seconds later, the front door opened and Cat and Lloyd
stepped into the room, depositing his pack just inside the door.
 
 "Hi, Ben," Cat said as she hurried into the room, glancing over her
shoulder at Lloyd who remained a discreet distance behind her.
 
 Ben tried to look relaxed as the pair approached, but the most relaxed he
could manage was parade rest. He cast his eyes over Cat's lover as he
stood smiling behind her. 
 
 Turning to Ben, she squeezed his hand quickly. "Ben, this is Lloyd Hope."
She turned again to the man behind her. "Lloyd, this is my oldest and
dearest friend, Ben Fraser."
 
 Lloyd smiled and extended his hand. "Hello, Ben. It's great to finally
meet you. Cathy has told me so much about you." And so has Phil, he added
silently, determined not to let his protectiveness of Phil colour his
opinion of the man in front of him.
 
 Ben returned the smile and shook Lloyd's proffered hand. "Hello, Lloyd.
I, too, have heard a great deal about you." 
 
 Ben noted with satisfaction that Lloyd's handshake was firm and he met
his gaze with confidence. Quickly he assessed the man in front of him.
Similar in height, Lloyd was broad-shouldered and barrel chested, filling
well his white t-shirt and blue jeans. His long black hair was loose,
falling over his shoulders and down his back. The look he gave Cat was
warm and loving and Ben found himself oddly comforted by it.
 
 Cat's heart skipped a beat as she watched the two great loves of her life
finally come face to face. At last she could let go of the trepidation she
had felt ever since Ben's fateful visit the previous January. She knew
they would get on fine. 
 
 Diefenbaker emerged suddenly from whatever pressing task he had been
attending to in the garden. He trotted directly to Lloyd and stood in
front of him, blatantly assessing the man.
 
 "So this is the man the cats told me about", Dief thought to himself.
"This is the Forest Man."
 
 "Diefenbaker!" Ben made an embarrassed noise. "Please excuse Dief's
rudeness, Lloyd. He's very ... territorial." He ran a thumb over his
eyebrow. "He seems to think that this is his house ..."
 
 "It's OK." Lloyd dropped into a squat in front of Dief, meeting the
animal at his own level. 
 
 Something passed between them, unnoticed by Ben or Cat. Dief sat back on
his haunches as Lloyd brought one hand up to ruffle the fur at his neck
and the wolf launched forward and licked his face. Lloyd laughed and rose
again.
 
 "Seems Dief likes you," Cat told Lloyd, gesturing both men into the
living room.
 
 
 After a brief debate about who would carry it, Lloyd took his pack up to
Cat's bedroom, leaving Cat and Ben alone.
 
 "You OK?" 
 
 "I'm fine."
 
 "Does this freak you out?"
 
 "No, Cat, it doesn't. Really, I'm fine."
 
 Before any further discussion could be had, Lloyd reappeared, joining
them in the living room.
 
 "So how are you feeling, Ben?" Lloyd smiled at Ben as he sat down. "I
hear you've had some pretty bad injuries."
 
 "I'm OK," Ben said, trying not to grimace as he lowered himself to the
sofa. "The explosion I was caught in recently aggravated an older injury,
but my doctor is confident that a little rest will ease the swelling and
I'll be back at work in no time."
 
 "Jumping off buildings and chasing cars on foot? I don't think so, Ben,"
Cat teased him as she perched on the arm of the sofa next to Lloyd.
 
 "Cat, you know I rarely do those things," he protested, suddenly
embarrassed.
 
 "Don't believe a word he says, Lloyd. You're talking to Super Mountie,
here."
 
 "Cat...."
 
 "Yeah, yeah," Cat grinned, ruffling Ben's hair as she moved off towards
the kitchen. "I'll get something to drink."
 
 "Can I help?" both men asked at once.
 
 Cat's laughter rang out from the kitchen. "It's just drinks for gods
sakes. I think I can manage. Besides, you cooked, Ben."
 
 
 Surprised and impressed by Ben's menu selection, Cat complimented him
several times during the meal. Lloyd ate heartily, telling Ben that his
own cooking was a lot more rudimentary and the only time he ate this well
was in Cathy's house. Ben surprised Cat further by making a joke about how
he had taught Cat everything she knew about cooking. Cat countered that
with a story about the sort of food Ben cooked himself when they first met
and the disastrous meals he had attempted to serve. They were laughing
like old friends by the end of the meal.
 
 The trio had coffee on the verandah, then Cat drifted back to the kitchen
in search of dessert, leaving Ben and Lloyd alone. Lloyd had brought a
pair of hammocks with him and he and Ben set about putting them up. The
project was abandoned after setting up only one when Cat reappeared with a
platter of fresh fruit and a bowl of brandy custard she had whipped up
while the two men worked. It was a perfect end to their meal.
 
 "He's not like I imagined," Lloyd told Cat much later as he watched Ben
through the living room window. 
 
 Ben had volunteered to take the scraps to the compost heap, but had
stopped in front of the bed of columbines, motionless in the cool evening
air.
 
 "Oh?" Cat joined her lover, slipping one arm around his waist as she,
too, watched Ben as he stared at the flowers.
 
 "I'm not sure what I expected, but after what Phil told me and knowing
your history with Ben ... well I guess I was expecting him to be ... I
don't know what I expected him to be." He thought for a moment. "Now that
I've met him, I find it even harder to believe that he would leave Phil
for a thief."
 
 The bluntness of Lloyd's words startled Cat and it was a few seconds
before she spoke. "Well, you know the story. His obsession with Victoria
was something I could never understand. But he knows he made a mistake and
he regrets it to this day."
 
 "But I still can't reconcile that this gentle guy is the same man ..."
His voice trailed off.
 
 "I think the term 'still waters run deep' was coined for Ben."
 
 Lloyd said nothing. He pulled Cat around and back against his chest,
wrapping strong arms around her. He kissed the top of her head as they
both continued to watch Ben.
 
 "I don't know what's so fascinating about that garden bed," Cat said a
little later. "Ever since he put it in, he can't keep away from it."
 
 Amused and surprised, Lloyd asked, "Ben planted the columbines?"
 
 "Yeah. He worked his butt off for a week building the bed from scratch.
You know, he wouldn't tell me what he planted and I waited for weeks for a
crop of amazing vegetables to spring up. But it just turned out to be
columbines. And he used all my goddamn compost."
 
 She felt the rumble of Lloyd's laughter before he spoke.
 
 "So I guess you don't know, then?"
 
 "Know what?"
 
 "Columbines are Phil's favourite flower."
 
 Cat remembered Ben's fevered expression as he worked on the bed the
spring before last. He worked from sun up for a week sawing old logs to
build the edges, ferrying wheelbarrows of soil, installing a watering
system and finally mulching with the compost Cat had been saving for her
vegetable garden. It all made sense now.
 
 "Well, I'll be...." 
 
 
 When Cat and Lloyd announced they were going to bed, Ben said he would
stay up for a while to read. After bidding them goodnight, he watched them
climb the stairs and disappear into Cat's bedroom. Instead of reading, he
paced, drifting from one part of the house to the other. He even wandered
into the television room, a good-sized room off the living room that had
once served as Cat's mother's office. Now it housed the television and an
old leather sofa her father had bought at a garage sale. With neither Ben
nor Cat being big television watchers, it was used most when Becka
visited.
 
 Settling on the sofa, he pressed the remote control and flipped through a
few channels. A few minutes later Diefenbaker sought him out, sitting at
his feet and staring up at him. 
 
 "I'm watching television, Dief, if that's OK with you."
 
 "Yeah," snorted Dief. "You're a big television fan."
 
 When Dief's disapproving glare became too much, he switched the set off
and left the room. After making sure everything was secure, Ben headed up
the stairs to his room. Dief flew past him on the stairs and came to a
halt outside Cat's closed door.
 
 "No, Dief," he whispered to the wolf. "You can't go in there."
 
 Dief whined and shifted restlessly. Ben looked towards the door,
desperately hoping that they would not disturb the couple inside. For a
moment he stared at the door, realising that this would be the first night
he had spent in Cat's house while another man shared her bed. Strange
thoughts filled his head as he watched the yellow painted panel in front
of him. He could imagine only too well the scene playing out behind it.
 
 Shocked at his own thoughts he turned towards his room, gesturing for
Dief to follow. He took one step and was suddenly halted by sounds from
the other side of the door. Lloyd's voice carried to him, its tone low so
that he could not make out the words. The low, delighted laugh that Cat
gave hinted at the meaning more effectively than hearing the words
themselves. A hot flush ran through his body as he remembered the many
nights that same delighted laugh had been directed at him. Without waiting
for Dief to follow, he rushed to his room and closed the door behind him.
 
 Later as he lay on top of his bed with the cool evening breeze feathering
across his fevered skin, it wasn't Cat he thought about. The woman he
thought about as he stroked himself to a bittersweet release was tall,
with dark eyes and a crooked smile. 
 
 His eyes filled with tears and his heart with sadness as he realised this
might be as close to life as he was going to get - listening to the sounds
of love from behind closed doors and fantasising about a woman who was
unattainable. Now, more than ever, he felt himself to be on the outskirts.
 
 
 Running uncharacteristically late for work the next morning, Cat hopped
on one foot trying to force her boot onto her other foot. She held a cold
piece of toast between her teeth that dripped honey onto the slate floor
of the front entry. She was testifying at a court case that afternoon and
was keen to get to the office and review her notes.
 
 "Ben, when Lloyd gets back can you pull out the maps and show him where
the nesting site is?" Cat called to the two men who were breakfasting on
the verandah.
 
 "Why don't I show you where it is?" Ben looked over at Lloyd. "If you
don't know the way it's easy to miss it."
 
 "Thanks for the offer, but I don't think you should be climbing around
the woods with your injuries."
 
 "Nonsense. It's only a short way into the woods and I've been there many
times over the years."
 
 Ben looked over at Cat who had managed to get her boot on and was busy
smearing the honey across the floor. He would take care of it later. He
hoped she hadn't heard the offer he made to Lloyd. 
 
 "Well, it would be quicker," Lloyd agreed. "I don't know these woods at
all."
 
 "Oh shit, I'm really late." Cat's agitation carried to the two men.
 
 Lloyd swallowed the last of his cereal. "OK, I'm coming." 
 
 He dashed to the door where Cat waited impatiently. He would drive her to
work and then return with her jeep so that he could release the raven.
 
 "See you tonight, Ben," Cat called, dragging Lloyd out the front door.
"And make sure Lloyd puts the other hammock up."
 
 
 Cat kissed Lloyd soundly and stepped out of the jeep. He slid over into
the driver's seat and she leaned against the door, smiling up at him.
 
 "I'm sorry I can't stay home with you today," she told her lover. 
 
 "It's OK. We've got things to keep us busy." He stroked her cheek
affectionately. "I'll release the bird and then I'll put the hammock up."
 
 "I think there are beans to pick."
 
 "I'll pick the beans."
 
 "And watch out for Ben."
 
 "I'll watch out for Ben."
 
 "Good." 
 
 She raised up on her toes and kissed Lloyd a final time and then watched
as he drove off back to Riverhurst. She suppressed a shiver as she watched
her jeep disappear down the street. Everything was fine.
 
 
 Ben led the way into the woods. Behind him Lloyd followed carefully
carrying a small cardboard box with the raven tucked into a makeshift
nest. Diefenbaker had disappeared as soon as they got out of the jeep.
 
 Once they reached the gully, Ben quickly found the way down with Lloyd
hot on his heels. They travelled in silence for a few minutes until Ben
stopped and pointed out a large tree. 
 
 "That tree is the main nesting site. In the past we've placed the nest at
the bottom and waited until the call of the young bird brings out the
mothers, who then coax the juvenile back up the tree."
 
 "I don't hear any ravens. Do you?"
 
 Ben listened. "No. But that's not unusual. The other option that Cat
often prefers is to climb up and place the nest in the tree."
 
 Lloyd looked at the box. "I think that's a better idea. I don't want to
leave it on the ground for a fox to take."
 
 "I agree."
 
 "I'll climb up and you hand me the bird."
 
 Ben nodded and they made their way to the base of the tree. An agile
woodsman, Lloyd quickly shinnied up the tree and leaned down while Ben
passed the box to him.
 
 "Can you reach the branch to your left?" Ben asked, pointing to a large
branch just above Lloyd's head. It was wide enough to take the nest and
the angle at which it grew meant it could be wedged hard against the trunk
and not fall.
 
 "Yeah, that looks like the best place." Lloyd wedged the box between his
body and the trunk of the tree, holding on with his left hand whilst he
used his right to remove the nest and bird from inside. "Watch out, Ben,
I'm going to let the box drop."
 
 He moved his body away and the cardboard container dropped through the
branches. Still holding on with his left hand, he tried to reach the
branch, but found he could not quite make it. He would need to use his
left hand. 
 
 Letting go of the trunk, Lloyd shifted the nest to his left hand bracing
his feet against the branch underneath him.
 
 "Be careful, Lloyd," Ben called from the foot of the tree.
 
 "I'm OK."
 
 In order to reach the required limb, Lloyd extended his left arm as far
as it would go, clutching the only thing he could reach with his right: a
thin branch that would not hold his weight if he slipped. He need not have
worried about slipping, the branch gave way on it's own and he had just
enough time to deposit the nest in its crag before crashing through the
branches to the ground.
 
 The only warning that Ben got was a muffled 'oh shit' and a shower of
twigs and leaves before Lloyd hit him and they fell in a heap on the
ground. In the quiet that followed, Ben quickly assessed the situation.
Although in pain, it appeared he had done no further damage to his
previous injuries. But what about Lloyd?
 
 "Lloyd?" 
 
 "Yeah, I'm OK."
 
 Ben struggled to a sitting position, his face pinched in pain as his ribs
protested at the movement. Lloyd still lay flat on his back on the grass.
His blue cotton shirt was torn at the right shoulder and a large gash on
his upper arm bled profusely. 
 
 "You're bleeding badly."
 
 Turning his head to check his arm, Lloyd grimaced. "Fuck. This is my
favourite shirt."
 
 Ben knew Lloyd's reaction was not what it should be. He was sure the
other man was concussed or at the very least in shock. When he tried to
sit up, Ben stopped him. 
 
 "Let me check to make sure you haven't broken anything."
 
 "I'm fine," he protested, but lay still while Ben ran efficient hands
over his body.
 
 "Nothing seems to be broken. Can you sit up?"
 
 "Is the bird OK?"
 
 "I didn't see the nest fall."
 
 "Good." Lloyd sat up, pulling ineffectually at the tear in his shirt.
 
 Ben pulled a clean, folded handkerchief from his pocket and pressed it to
Lloyd's arm. "I think we should get you to the hospital. This wound looks
like it needs stitches."
 
 "I hit a broken branch on the way down." He let Ben lift his hand and
place it over the makeshift dressing, holding the handkerchief firm.
 
 "Make sure you keep the pressure on. Can you stand?"
 
 "Yes, yes." He rose unsteadily. "Is the bird OK?"
 
 "Yes," Ben answered, suddenly filled with concern at the repeated
question. If anything happened to Lloyd Cat would never forgive him.
 
 Ben tried to stand, but his left ankle buckled beneath him.
 
 "Oh god!" he cried out, suddenly acutely aware how inadequate his cursing
vocabulary was and why Ray and Cat did it so often. 
 
 Lloyd was there to catch him, dropping his makeshift dressing as he did.
 
 "Your arm!"
 
 "Whoa, this is going to be one interesting walk to the jeep," Lloyd said
as he bent to retrieve Ben's handkerchief at the same time holding the
other man up.
 
 With Ben resting a hand on Lloyd's left shoulder and Lloyd using his left
hand to hold the handkerchief in place they managed to struggle out of the
woods to where they had parked Cat's jeep. In one almost hysterical
moment, Ben recalled the time Ray had carried him through the forest and
it gave him a sudden urge to burst into song, but the only song that came
inexplicably to mind was 'Do You Think I'm Sexy'. By the time they reached
the car, Ben wondered if he, too, was concussed. He called to Dief, who
emerged from the woods to the east looking sheepish, and then drove to the
hospital.
 
 
 "You're lucky you didn't break your neck," the young nurse told Lloyd as
he led the two men to a small examination room in the Emergency Ward.
 
 He chuckled slightly. "I landed on my friend here. He broke my fall."
 
 The nurse raised an eyebrow at Ben. "So how does that explain the ankle?"
 
 Ben shrugged. "I guess I must have twisted it as I fell."
 
 The nurse stepped back and crossed his arms over his chest. "Remind me
never to go hiking with you two."
 
 Ben and Lloyd exchanged an embarrassed smile and sat down where the nurse
indicated.
 
 "Now let me get some details from you two while we wait for the doctor."
 
 They nodded in agreement and answered questions about their respective
medical histories. Unseen by either man, Constable Marchand rushed by the
window of their exam room steering an old man towards the reception desk.
Neither did they see him when he returned a minute later, peering through
the thick glass, eyes wide in surprise.
 
 
 Cat sipped her third coffee of the day and propped her feet on the
lunchroom table, tilting her chair onto its back two legs. She flipped
over a page of her notebook and continued to read, trying to take herself
back to the night she had arrested Duane Henry for theft. She chuckled to
herself remembering how he insisted he didn't know where the stack of
stolen electronic equipment in his bedroom had come from, even when she
told him his prints had been found at several crime scenes. It was an open
and shut case. The trial would be over quickly.
 
 Constable Marchand appeared in the doorway, his face flushed.
 
 "Hi, Marchand," she greeted, glancing up quickly from her notes.
 
 "Sergeant Madden."
 
 Something in his tone caused Cat to swing her feet to the floor and let
her chair drop onto its four legs.
 
 "What's up?"
 
 "I just came from the hospital. Old Mr Parker needed to have his feet
looked at." He swallowed slowly. "I saw Constable Fraser and your friend,
Lloyd, there."
 
 "At the hospital?" Cat's voice rose suddenly. Something had happened to
Ben. She shoved her chair back and leapt to her feet. "What happened?" 
 
 "I don't know. I didn't speak to them."
 
 Rounding the table she pressed her notebook into Marchand's hand. "Come
with me." With that she disappeared out the door. Marchand hurried to
catch her.
 
 At the hospital, Cat cornered the first nurse she could find. The young
woman pointed her to the nurse who had attended Ben and Lloyd and Cat
rushed across the room to his side. Not at all perturbed by Cat's abrupt
manner, he filled her in on the state of their injuries. By the time he
finished, Cat was ready to throttle both of them. He pointed her towards
the waiting area where Ben and Lloyd waited for the pharmacy to deliver
their medication and then got out of her way.
 
 
 "I'm not taking their goddamn pills," Lloyd huffed, looking dejectedly at
his now bandaged arm.
 
 "You really should. Stitches can easily become infected."
 
 Lloyd turned and stared at Ben. "So why were you telling the doctor you
didn't want any pills?"
 
 Ben shrugged and looked down at his hands, but Lloyd didn't care about
his response. He was busily prodding the heavy dressing on his arm and
stroking the shredded shirt he loved.
 
 Suddenly aware of a force in the room, Ben glanced up to see Cat striding
across the floor of the emergency room, a deep frown darkening her
features. He nudged the man next to him.
 
 "Oh shit," Lloyd muttered, leaning towards Ben as she caught sight of
them. "I think we're in trouble."
 
 With memories of Cat's reaction to his previous injuries still strong in
his mind, Ben could only nod meekly in agreement as she stormed towards
them.
 
 "You bastards!" Cat cried, whacking first Lloyd, then Ben on the upper
arm. "You're as bad as each other. I thought one of you would have the
sense to stay out of trouble." Turning the full force of her anger on Ben,
she clenched her hands into fists. "You've lived all your life in
unbelievable conditions and you've known these woods for nearly twenty
years. How the fuck did this happen?"
 
 "Cathy," Lloyd interrupted, in an attempt to divert her anger away from
Ben.
 
 She held up a hand to stop him as she spun around to face him. 
 
 "And you! You spend your working life in the woods. It's your profession,
for chrissakes. You of all people...." she shook her head, her voice
trailing off. "And what were you thinking taking Ben? You know the state
of his injuries."
 
 Ben rose to his feet and stood tall in front of Cat. "I must speak in
Lloyd's defence. It was my idea to accompany him." He stopped as Cat
twisted her head to glare at him. "You can't blame anyone but me, Cat." 
 
 "And you don't need me to tell you what I think about that." Shaking her
head again, she almost smiled. "I guess I should be glad that Ray wasn't
here, too. Who knows what sort of mess the three of you would have ended
up in."
 
 She turned her attention to Lloyd once again. "Don't you ever scare me
like that again. I've had enough close calls from Ben over the years and I
can do without you following in his footsteps."
 
 "Cathy, I'm fine." He gestured to Ben. "We're both fine. We're both grown
men, for godsakes, I think we can take care of ourselves."
 
 Cat fell silent, staring at her lover. She rubbed a hand over her face
and sighed.
 
 "Marchand is outside. He'll take you home. I don't want either of you
driving, just in case." 
 
 Both men agreed, reluctantly, that she was right. Lloyd fished the car
keys from his pocket and handed them to Cat. She would take her jeep back
to work.
 
 "I have to go ... the trial ... " Cat muttered. Quickly, she kissed both
men. "I just don't want anything to happen to either of you."
 
 Before either man could speak, she rushed away, leaving them staring
after her. It wasn't long before Constable Marchand appeared in the
Emergency Room, nervously shuffling his hat from one hand to the other.
 
 "I have Diefenbaker out in the car. Sergeant Madden told me I have to
take you two home. I'm sorry, I should have checked with you before I told
her you were here."
 
 "Don't sweat it, Will," Lloyd smiled at the younger man. "But boy, I've
never seen her that pissed about anything."
 
 Ben and Marchand exchanged a nervous smile. Both of them had been on the
receiving end of Cat Madden's tongue-lashings before and knew that for
Lloyd this was only the beginning.
 
 
 Lloyd tossed the small envelope containing his pain pills and antibiotics
onto the hall table as they entered the house. He never took pain pills
and if he needed antibiotics he would pull some herbs from the garden. Ben
picked up the envelope and held it for a second. The memory of his
experience with Demerol was still fresh in his mind and he, too, had no
intention of taking anything.
 
 "Ah, Lloyd, can I suggest that we dispose of these before Cat comes
home?"
 
 Lloyd's smile split his face and he laughed, slapping Ben on the shoulder
with his good hand. "I see you've done this before. OK, you flush the
chemicals and I'll make us a sandwich."
 
 Ben and Lloyd nodded their agreement and then went off to take care of
their tasks. Dief went with Lloyd. After all, he had mentioned food. The
men met up later on the verandah, Lloyd slapping two plates of sandwiches
onto the table with gusto. Ben gave his appreciation and then the two men
ate in silence until their plates were empty.
 
 "That was a great sandwich, Lloyd," Ben told the other man as he wiped
his mouth and pushed the empty plate away. "Who would have thought that
bacon and banana would make such an ... interesting ... filling."
 
 Lloyd laughed heartily. "I'm glad you like it. Cathy won't even try it.
She thinks I have no taste buds." He rose from his seat at the table and
swung himself with practised ease into the hammock he had installed the
night before. "But compared to some of the stuff she eats ..." his voice
trailed off as he wriggled into a comfortable position. "You gotta love
these hammocks."
 
 Ben laughed. He knew Cat's strange eating habits well. He had seen her
eat spicy curries for breakfast and bowls of cereal for dinner, not to
mention the smoked oysters and camembert she favoured on camping trips.
Then there was her refusal to eat cooked carrots although he had watched
her devour raw ones freshly pulled from the garden. At least she was over
the strange macrobiotic stage she went through many years earlier.
 
 "I can tell by that laugh that there's a story in there, Ben."
 
 "I was just remembering the time Cat decided a macrobiotic diet was for
her. At least you haven't been forced to drink spirulina shakes."
 
 Lloyd laughed again. "She's a crazy woman, but I guess that's why I love
her."
 
 Ben smiled, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. He couldn't say why
Lloyd's comment made him uncomfortable. 
 
 "Do you?" Ben hesitated as Lloyd turned questioning eyes to him. "Love
her, I mean."
 
 For just a second it seemed that the world stopped. As Lloyd stared at
Ben something passed between them. It was more than one friend looking out
for another. It was more than a lover's territoriality. It was more than
red man's anger about the injustices dealt by white men and it was far
more than simple jealousy. It was ancient. It scared both of them.
 
 It was gone when Lloyd spoke, his gentle but firm voice stating quietly,
"Don't doubt what I feel for Cathy." He laid his head back and covered his
eyes with his right arm.
 
 Ben sunk into the wicker chair and wondered about what had just occurred.
Ten minutes or so passed with both men lost to their own thoughts. So far
away was Ben that when Lloyd spoke he almost didn't hear him.
 
 "I know who you are."
 
 Ben looked up to meet Lloyd's steady gaze. "What?" he asked, almost
laughing, expecting he had missed the crucial part to something funny.
 
 But Lloyd was not smiling. "I know who you are, Benton Fraser."
 
 Ben slid to the edge of his chair and cocked his head to one side. "I'm
afraid I don't understand."
 
 "Of course you don't." Lloyd swung his feet over the edge of the hammock
and planted them firmly on the floor, leaning towards the other man. "But
what if I told you I know Phil McKenzie as well as you know Cathy Madden?"
He rose and went into the house, leaving Ben gaping.
 
 Ben stared at the space where Lloyd had been. Had he heard correctly? Did
Lloyd know Phil? Had they been lovers? A million questions sped through
his mind, each one with a million answers.
 
 Just as he was planning a getaway, Lloyd reappeared carrying two icy
bottles of Moose Head in his right hand. He pressed one into Ben's hand.
 
 "I don't usually drink," Ben said, taking the bottle anyway.
 
 "Whatever." Lloyd shrugged and lowered himself into the hammock once
again. "I'm sorry, Ben," he said twisting the cap off the beer and
drinking a hefty slug. "I didn't want to tell you like that, but you have
to know."
 
 Ben stared at the bottle still clutched in his hand, watching as the
condensation ran down its length and dripped onto his jeans. "Does Cat ...
?" he began, old pain welling up from the depths of his soul. Cat knew and
didn't tell him.
 
 "Cathy knows. She didn't want me to tell you." 
 
 Lloyd sipped his beer and looked out across the garden, weighing his
options. Struggling upright again, he moved into a cross-legged position
on the hammock and faced the other man.
 
 "Jesus, Ben, I opened this topic of conversation," he said almost
apologetically. "I guess I might as well say it all now."
 
 "All?" Ben went cold, terrified at what else Lloyd might say. Maybe he
would drink the beer warming in his hand.
 
 "I care about Phil McKenzie. Very much." He fiddled with the label on his
beer bottle before going on. "You hurt her a lot and there's a part of me
that wants to beat the crap out of you for it." He looked up at Ben again.
"But I won't. Mainly because that's not who I am. I'm not into violence.
And ..." his voice trailed off, an affectionate smile crinkling his eyes,
"partly because after the way Cathy reacted today I know she'd probably
kill me." His smile grew and after a moment Ben smiled tentatively.
 
 "She has always been very ... protective ..., " Ben said quietly.
 
 A broad grin spread across Lloyd's face as the thought about the tiny
woman who had captured his heart. "Like a mother bear." 
 
 The two men shared a smile; both agreeing that Lloyd's choice of animal
was appropriate.
 
 "The other reason I'm not going to beat the crap out of you is Phil,"
Lloyd continued a moment later, following on from his earlier comment.
"She'd be really pissed at me if I interfered and, hey, the logical part
of my mind tells me she'd be right."
 
 Ben frowned, not sure of the direction this conversation was taking.
 
 "Maybe you should just drink that beer, Ben." Lloyd took a swig of his
own beer and stared off into the distance. Still staring into the distance
he continued, " I know what happened between you and Phil is your business
and I have no right to pass judgement." He tilted his head and fixed Ben
with a gaze that would not allow the other man to look away. "I just want
you to know, man to man, that I think the way you treated Phil was really
fucking low and if I'd known Phil then I'd have come after you."
 
 Ben looked away from Lloyd and the harsh truth he spoke. Lloyd did not
mince words and in that moment he realised just how well suited Lloyd and
Cat were. Not knowing what compelled him, he twisted the cap off his beer
and drank from it as though the action alone could provide protection. 
 
 "I'm sorry," he offered meekly, after drinking a good portion of the
beer.
 
 "Yeah, I know you are. I could see it in your eyes as soon as I said
Phil's name." Lloyd slipped off the hammock and strode back into the
house, leaving Ben alone again.
 
 Ben's head spun. He didn't know if it was the alcohol or his own rising
panic at what he had learned. Why didn't Cat tell him that Lloyd knew
Phil?
 
 Seconds later, interrupting Ben's thoughts, Lloyd returned with two more
beers and this time Ben accepted his without hesitation. Lloyd already had
the top off his.
 
 "Look, Ben," he said, swinging once again into the hammock, " we've
probably got less than two hours before Cathy comes home and anything we
need to say to each other that's going to upset her should be said now."
 
 Oh dear, thought Ben, is this going to get ugly? 
 
 "I appreciate your candour, Lloyd, but I don't know what else there is to
say. You told me your opinion of me and I told you I'm sorry. I can't say
anything else."
 
 "I didn't tell you my opinion of you. I told you what I think about what
you did to Phil." Lloyd gestured at Ben with his bottle. "I think you're
probably a good person. You couldn't have stayed friends with Cathy for so
long if you weren't. It's just that something you did twelve years ago
sucks big time and I had to tell you. If you need to say anything to me,
go right ahead. I know how you feel about Cathy so if you want to question
me about my intentions, now is the time to do it."
 
 By the time Lloyd stopped speaking Ben had drained his first beer bottle
and was opening the second. He sipped it before speaking.
 
 "You told me not to question the way you feel about Cat." His tone was
not as defensive as he had hoped.
 
 Lloyd stared at Ben for a second and then turned away, sipping his beer
again. Ben's eyes shifted to the forest in the distance. It seemed an
understanding about that subject had been reached. Silence settled over
them for a while. 
 
 Ben sipped steadily at his second beer, enjoying the mild buzz he felt
and wondered why he had made a decision to rarely drink. It was rather
pleasant. He watched a small bird dip its beak into the columbines, one
after the other, and thought of Phil. As he neared the end of the second
bottle he finally had the courage to say what he really wanted.
 
 "Will you tell me about her?"
 
 Lloyd drained his bottle, set it down on the slatted verandah deck and
thought for a while. "OK," he agreed eventually, not meeting Ben's eyes.
"Wait a second." 
 
 He disappeared into the house and remerged with another two beers. This
time Ben accepted without question.
 
 "I'll tell you what I can without compromising Phil's privacy." Lloyd
slipped into position on his hammock. "It may not be what you want to
know."
 
 Ben nodded acknowledgment as he tore the cap off his third beer with a
dexterity that surprised him. "Cat said she's getting married," he told
Lloyd. "Is he good to her?"
 
 The other man shrugged. "Phil says he is. I don't know for sure, I
haven't met him."
 
 "Oh."
 
 "She's happy. Is that what you mean?"
 
 "Yes. But ... can you tell me about her life?"
 
 Lloyd thought about what he knew. Lindy's short life and early death
overshadowed so much of Phil's life since Ben had ended their engagement.
How could he tell Ben about Phil's life and not mention that? And how
could he talk of Phil's life without mentioning BakTrak and its proximity
to Ben's office?
 
 "Phil's life, huh?" He frowned and tried to find the best way. "Well,
she's a successful woman, she runs her own business. As you know, she has
a loving and supportive family. And she's got a bunch of really great
friends." He sipped his beer and thought again. "She sings still, in a
local choir, I think. And flying. Phil and TJ bought a plane a few years
back. She's busy all the time. Hell, I've never seen anyone work so hard
as that woman. She's a lot like Cathy in some ways, but in others, well I
guess you'd say they couldn't be more different." He sneaked a sideways
glance at Ben before covering his eyes again. "But I guess you don't need
me to tell you that."
 
 Ben stared at the beer bottle in his hand, resting it on the arm of his
chair. He contemplated what Lloyd had just told him. It seemed Phil was
happy, surrounded by good people who gave her the love and affection he
knew she deserved. Was that what he wanted to hear? Or did he want to hear
that she had spent the last twelve years alone and unhappy? Both thoughts
were painful for reasons that he didn't want to look at too closely. And
now Phil was to marry.
 
 A part of him was glad for her, pleased that she had found someone to
share her life with. But inside, tucked away in some small, dark part of
his heart was a hard nut of jealousy. Knowing that Phil was alone, not
involved with anyone, had made it easier for him. But now he knew that
Phil had not remained on the edge of love nor on the edge of her life.
Phil had stepped forward and taken all that life had to offer and was
living it fully, completely while he remained on the outskirts, sent there
by one wrong decision made on the side of a mountain. 
 
 "Does that answer your question?" Lloyd asked a little later.
 
 Ben swallowed and nodded his head. "Yes. Thank you," he ground out in a
strained voice. He lifted the beer bottle to his lips and drank from it,
more for something to do than because he really wanted it.
 
 "Good," Lloyd responded. "Now I have a question for you." His tone gave
away nothing of his mood.
 
 Ben froze, his beer bottle still pressed against his lips. It took a
second before he could lower it to rest on his knee and answer.
 
 "A question? Yes. Yes, of course." What could Lloyd want from him? 
 
 Lloyd's arm slipped away from his eyes and he turned to look at the other
man. "Don't sweat it, Ben. I'm not going to give you a hard time about the
past. I've said what I had to, so let's just leave the past where it is.
In the past."
 
 Ben held his gaze for long moments, trying to gauge his mood, but Lloyd's
stoic expression was unchanged. "Understood," he said eventually.
 
 In one lithe and graceful movement, Lloyd suddenly flew from his hammock,
depositing his beer bottle on the verandah railing at the same time. 
 
 "Let's get this other hammock up so you can get comfortable," he said,
reaching for the other hammock that had lain forgotten on the table since
the night before.
 
 Startled by the sudden change in Lloyd, Ben remained unmoving, still
clutching his beer bottle. Lloyd ran an amused eye over the tense figure
he made in the wicker chair.
 
 "Looks like you need to relax."
 
 Ben was about to object, when Lloyd unfolded the hammock and tossed one
end to him, still holding the other.
 
 "Help me with this."
 
 Ben caught the rope and watched in silence as Lloyd moved around him to
tie his end to the rafters over head. Task completed, Lloyd looked at Ben,
still in his seat, rope in one hand, bottle in the other. He pointed to
the verandah post where the end of the hammock he had occupied was tied.
 
 "Tie your end there."
 
 Ben shot from his seat, depositing his bottle on the floor as he did. He
tied the rope around the post and then both men turned to survey their
handiwork. The foot end of both hammocks were secured at the same post,
but the heads were situated so that the hammocks rested at right angles to
each other so the occupants could look out across the gardens, but also
still see each other without turning their heads.
 
 Still stunned by the change in mood, Ben waited for Lloyd's next move. On
cue, Lloyd gestured to the new hammock.
 
 "Try it out."
 
 Mindful of his ribs, Ben settled carefully into the hammock, as bid, and
accepted the beer Lloyd collected from the floor.
 
 "Now isn't that better?" he asked, sliding into his own hammock.
 
 Ben nodded mutely. "Ah ... about ... about your questions?"
 
 "Question. Singular," Lloyd corrected. "I just want to ask you one
thing."
 
 "Oh." Ben breathed a sigh of relief. How bad could it be? Then he thought
of Cat. He remembered Cat's single-minded line of questioning over past
actions and began to worry anew. He knew Lloyd would be as capable of
cutting to the quick in one question as Cat. "So what is it?" he asked,
somewhat nervously.
 
 "What I want to know," Lloyd said, fixing Ben with an intense stare, "is
why you call Cathy Cat?"
 
 The combination of sheer relief at Lloyd's innocuous question and the
consumption of an unusual amount of alcohol caused Ben throw his head back
and let out a wild, even hysterical, bark of laughter. He laughed until
tears ran down his face.
 
 Unperturbed by Ben's display of mirth, Lloyd waited patiently for it to
pass, draining the remains of his beer from the bottle and setting it down
on the floor beside him. He had waited this long to find out the answer to
this question, another few minutes was no trouble.
 
 "I called her Cat many years ago because she reminded me of one," Ben
said eventually. He blushed, remembering that night on the kitchen floor
seventeen years earlier. "It was the first night we ... " His voice
trailed off, embarrassed by his sudden revelation.
 
 "I think I get the picture," Lloyd replied, his voice once again giving
away nothing about his feelings. He swallowed before speaking again. "I,
too, have a name for Phil. I call her Walela."
 
 The beer bottle Ben had been holding slipped suddenly from his hand,
hitting the floor and rolling off the edge of the verandah. "Hummingbird?"
he squeaked out. 
 
 Why would Lloyd choose a hummingbird for Phil? There could only be one
answer. He had seen the tattoo on her hip. The implications of that were
more than he wanted to think about. Now he understood why Cat had tried to
protect him from the knowledge that Lloyd knew Phil.
 
 "So how come you know a Cherokee word?" Lloyd asked, snapping Ben from
his thoughts.
 
 "How do you know a Cherokee word?"
 
 Lloyd gave a cheeky grin and winked. "We Indians know everything."
 
 Once again, something passed between them. With his alcohol-fuzzed mind,
Ben could not be sure what happened. All he knew was that before long he
was laughing with Lloyd as if nothing had happened. His pain at the
knowledge that Cat's lover was once Phil's lover disappeared to the back
of his mind. He admitted he liked the man who had won Cat's love and found
himself relaxing into a state of complete calm.
 
 By the time they heard Cat's jeep in the drive, Ben had accepted and
consumed a fourth bottle of beer and was pleasantly drunk. Lloyd, too, had
drunk a fourth bottle but being more accustomed to the alcohol was in a
much better state.
 
 Lloyd met Cat at the car, wanting to tell her of his admission to Ben.
She kissed him through the window, asked about his and Ben's injuries,
frowned in disbelief when he told her they were both fine, then began
passing packages to him.
 
 "I bought whole trout for dinner. I thought I'd pan fry it with butter
and almonds, Ben likes it," she told him as she thrust a large, cold
parcel into his arms.
 
 "Right now I think he'd eat anything." He moved aside as she opened the
door and stepped down, closing the door behind her.
 
 "What do you mean?"
 
 "He's a little ... drunk."
 
 "Drunk? Ben?" She took some of the parcels from Lloyd and they began
walking toward the house. Ben was drinking? She couldn't believe it. But
why would Lloyd say it otherwise?
 
 "And what are you two doing drinking anyway?" she demanded of Lloyd,
stopping on the front step and turning to face him. "You were both injured
today." 
 
 "Well, we had a little talk."
 
 Narrowing her eyes, she leaned towards him. "What do you mean talk?"
 
 "I told him about Phil."
 
 "Ah, shit, Lloyd. I thought we agreed?"
 
 "No, we didn't agree. You told me not to tell him and I told you I would
do what I thought best." He shrugged. "I thought best to tell him." 
 
 "And make him drink?" Instantly she had an image of Phil McKenzie. She
had plied her with alcohol and then told her the Victoria story.
 
 "It was his choice, Cathy. He is an adult."
 
 "But you don't know how fragile he is."
 
 Lloyd gave her a look that said 'oh please'. "Phil had to deal with it.
She managed. Ben's what? 36? 37? Stop treating him like a child."
 
 Cat opened her mouth to speak, but Lloyd wasn't going to accept her
arguments. He leaned forward and kissed her soundly. By the time he
stepped back, anything she would have said was gone. 
 
 "He's fine, Cathy."
 
 A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. "You know what you father
would say about that."
 
 He grinned too. "Yeah, fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional. Hey,
he's probably all those things too but, really, he's cool about this."
 
 Ben chose that very moment to appear in the doorway, hobbling towards
them on his bad ankle, a silly smile on his face.
 
 "Cat!" he said cheerfully as he drew near and enfolded her in a hug. "I'm
glad you're home. You missed a lovely afternoon."
 
 Cat glanced briefly at Lloyd who gave her an 'I told you so' look.
 
 "So it seems," she said smiling in amusement at Ben's somewhat rumpled
appearance. "And I'm going to make your favourite fish."
 
 "That's wonderful!"
 
 "Come on, Ben, let's get you back in that hammock." Lloyd handed the
packages he carried to Cat and leapt up the steps to help Ben back inside,
tossing a disarming smile over his shoulder at her as he went.
 
 
 With Ben and Lloyd once again swinging in the hammocks, Cat set about
preparing dinner. This time the two men shared a jug of iced tea while she
cooked.
 
 During dinner, Ben and Lloyd told Cat the full story about their day,
filling in all the details she had missed at the hospital. Cat was pleased
to see the two men getting on so well. Only one reference was made to the
discussion about Phil and Ben did not seem concerned.
 
 After dinner Lloyd stacked the dishwasher while Ben and Cat tidied the
verandah.
 
 "Are you OK, Ben?" Cat asked as she stooped to retrieve a beer bottle
from under the table.
 
 Ben gathered the last of the glasses. "You mean now that I know that
Lloyd knows Phil?" he asked gently.
 
 Cat nodded, staring at the bottle in her hand. She had been expecting a
bad reaction all evening and when none came she was confused.
 
 "You should have told me."
 
 "I was just trying to stop you from being hurt any more." She looked up
at him. "Lloyd says I treat you like a child. Do I?"
 
 "I know you're only trying to protect me." Ben smiled affectionately.
"But I have to accept responsibility for my actions and sometimes that can
be painful."
 
 Cat stared at her friend, startled by the change in him. She recalled
only too well his reaction when he learned that TJ was in Chicago and that
she had not told him. Why hadn't he reacted so strongly to Lloyd's
revelation? Her wonder at what had happened between the two men was
brought abruptly to a halt as Lloyd called from the kitchen.
 
 "Anything else for the dishwasher?"
 
 Ben jumped, startled by his voice. His free hand flew suddenly to the
small of his back.
 
 "I'll bring the rest in a second, Lloyd," she called hastily, then turned
to her friend. "You OK?" She took the glasses from his hand and he used
his now empty hand to steady himself against the table.
 
 Ben nodded, grimacing slightly. "Yes. My back hurts a little, that's
all."
 
 Cat frowned with concern. "You go upstairs. I'll just take the last of
this stuff to the kitchen and then come up and give you a massage."
 
 "Really, Cat. I'm fine."
 
 "But a massage will make you feel better. Go on, I'll be up in a few
minutes."
 
 It was easier to accept. Ben nodded meekly and headed off, leaving Cat to
finish clearing the verandah. She took the glasses to the kitchen and
after kissing Lloyd quickly, she gathered a few items and took the stairs
two at a time.
 
 
 Cat strode into the spare room, a large towel in one hand and a jar of
homemade arnica and comfrey balm in the other. Bare-chested, Ben gasped,
his hands halting at the button of his jeans. A short laugh escaped Cat's
lips.
 
 "You've got nothing I haven't seen before."
 
 "But ... " he stage whispered, "Lloyd is downstairs!"
 
 Stepping around him and setting the jar down on the nightstand she said,
"As good looking as you are, Ben, I doubt Lloyd wants to see you naked."
She tossed the towel out and spread it on the bed. "And besides, how on
earth can I give you a massage while you've got your clothes on?"
 
 Ben frowned and shot her a frustrated look. What had he been thinking
when he accepted Cat's offer of a massage? It was too humiliating for
words.
 
 Cat leaned against the old shaker chest of drawers and waited. Eventually
Ben slid his jeans over his hips and folded them carefully, placing them
on the end of the bed. Cat stared at the stiff white boxers he wore and
shook her head.
 
 "God, Ben, it's no wonder you don't have a woman in your life." She
pulled at the stiff cotton. "I can't believe you're still wearing those
starched boxers. Way, way unsexy!"
 
 Ben blushed and Cat was amused that she could still embarrass him, even
after all these years. But he recovered well.
 
 "I seem to recall they never deterred you." He tilted his head defiantly
and stood proud in his shorts.
 
 Cat laughed and nudged his shoulder. "Do you want this massage or not?"
 
 He muttered something unintelligible and lay down on the bed. Cat reached
for the balm and scooped out a small amount, smiling as it warmed in her
hands and enveloped them both in its fragrance.
 
 Short minutes later, Cat was massaging his tight muscles and he was
pleased he had accepted her offer. The warm, firm hands combined with the
heady herbal scent relaxed him and for a brief moment he allowed himself
to imagine it was Phil who kneaded his back.
 
 Cat relaxed, too, as she felt Ben's muscles soften under her hands. She
had worried so much about his injuries and it was a relief to know that
they weren't as bad as she had imagined. A noise outside the room caught
her attention and she looked up, through the door, to see Lloyd coming up
the stairs. Completely relaxed under her hands, Ben was unaware of his
approach. 
 
 The look Lloyd gave her as he leaned on the doorframe sent shivers down
Cat's spine. She couldn't wait to get him alone.
 
 "Can I get you two some tea?" Lloyd's voice was mellow and made Cat
tingle.
 
 On hearing the question, Ben sat up suddenly, almost knocking Cat to the
floor. He reached for a pillow and clutched it to his chest as if to cover
himself.
 
 "Ah ... Lloyd ... this ... this is not what it looks like ... " his voice
trailed off as Cat began to laugh beside him. He turned and glared at her.
 
 An amused smile pulled at the corner of Lloyd's mouth. "What it looks
like, Ben, is that you're getting a massage." He pushed himself off the
doorframe and tucked his hands into his pockets. "If I were you, I'd lay
down and enjoy it. Now do you want tea?"
 
 His voice seemed to suddenly have left and Ben cleared his throat twice
before squeaking out, "Y ... yes please. Chamomile." Embarrassed even
further, he threw himself onto his stomach again, his face turned away
from the door, ignoring the stab of pain in his ribs.
 
 "You got it," Lloyd said to his back. "Cathy?"
 
 "Coffee, please." She lowered her hands to Ben's back and began working
his muscles again.
 
 Tilting his head to one side, he frowned at her. "Coffee? At this hour?
You'll be awake all night."
 
 "Oh, I hope so." 
 
 Cat's tone made Ben blush all over again. He missed Lloyd's shudder of
anticipation.
 
 
 After the massage, Cat left Ben alone to drink his tea while she ran him
a bath in the deep tub in the large bathroom at the end of the hall.
Renovated only the year before, she had searched high and low to find just
the right tub. Eventually she had found it in a wheat farmer's paddock
several kilometres north of Riverhurst, dragged it back to Moose Jaw, had
it resurfaced and then installed into the large wood-panelled bathroom,
positioned so that from the bath one could look across the forest to the
mountains in the distance.
 
 Of course she had bought the lumber from Jimmy Sunsinger, who had argued
with her the whole time that she should put tiles, not wood, in the
bathroom. But it didn't stop him bringing new samples of timber every few
days for her to choose from. She had consulted her old friend Mark Kehr,
who now worked for Phil McKenzie. He was the only person she knew with a
connection to boats. He did a little research and advised her what sealers
to use and how best to protect the wood. She was pleased with the results.
 
 Just as she drained her coffee cup and set it on the bench, Ben arrived,
stepping meekly into the room and closing the door behind him. Cat leaned
over and tested the water. The temperature was perfect beneath the layer
of bubbles.
 
 Hobbling closer, Ben leaned on Cat's shoulder and tried to step into the
bath.
 
 "You're taking a bath in your boxer shorts?"
 
 "Well, I can't take them off while you're here."
 
 Cat shook her head and laughed. Hadn't they just been through this before
the massage? "Are you forgetting just how intimate I am with your body -
and I mean every inch."
 
 Ben muttered under his breath and blushed from the waistband of his
shorts to the roots of his hair. Cat shook her head again, wondering how
many men managed a full-body blush. What was he afraid of?
 
 Resting her hands on her hips, Cat said, "As sexy as you might be, Ben, I
think I can manage to keep my hands off you. Now get in the bath."
 
 He gave a long-suffering sigh and hooked his thumbs into the waistband of
his shorts, but Cat's words stopped him.
 
 "Or is it your self-control you're worried about?"
 
 Mortified at her suggestion he jerked upright. "Cat, how could you think
I ..."
 
 "Look, I'm just teasing you. Relax." Before he could react, she reached
out and yanked his shorts down, letting them drop to his feet. "Now get in
the goddamn bath."
 
 For a second or two he stood opening and closing his mouth, then the
shock of realising he was, in fact, naked in front of Cat spurred him into
action. Ankle suddenly forgotten, he stepped out of the cotton pooling at
his ankles and leapt for the bath. 
 
 Cat had a split second to grab him before he fell, his injured foot
buckling under his weight. Without another word, he let her help him into
the steaming water and did not complain when she held his ankle above the
water, propping it on a folded towel on the edge of the bath. Nor did he
complain when she helped wash his hair. His injured ribs and back made
lifting his hands over his head for any length of time uncomfortable.
 
 Cat rinsed the last of the soap from his hair and shifted around to the
other end of the bath, perching on the edge and smiling at Ben. Picking up
where their conversation had left off, she said, "So when was the last
time we had sex?"
 
 Ben blushed again, a furious beet red. "I hardly think this is an
appropriate topic for discussion, Cat."
 
 She ignored his comment. "I remember. It was a couple of months before
you went to Colorado. Christmas time, I think."
 
 Ben dropped his gaze and thought about all Cat's statement alluded to.
Before he went to Colorado, before he met Phil. The winter of 1981 - 82.
At that time his relationship with Cat had been the most important thing
in his life. And then he met Phil. Then his feelings for Cat had shifted
into something else - something that had kept them close for more than
fifteen years. He looked up at the woman on the edge of the bath, seeing
her as he had all those years ago.
 
 "We made love, Cat. We always made love."
 
 Cat stared into Ben's serious eyes and saw the emotions there. "Yeah, we
did," she agreed. Her voice lowered to a tone she had not used with him in
a long time. "We always made love."
 
 Tears pricked at his eyes as he spoke. "Our time together was ...
important to me."
 
 "Me too." Cat wiped at the moisture gathering in her own eyes. "I'll
always love you, Ben. It's just that now we've both moved on to something
else."
 
 Ben dropped his head and played with the bubbles. "I can't ever have it
again."
 
 "What do you mean?"
 
 "What I had with you. What I had with Phil."
 
 "Oh, Ben ..."
 
 He raised his head again and met her sad eyes. "No, it's OK. In a way I
think of it as ... as ... punishment ... for what happened with Victoria."
He gestured with his right hand, trying to seem nonchalant about the rest
of his life. "I've come to realise that I can't have that love again, that
I will have to be content with what I do have. You and Becka and Ray. You
see, I'm surrounded by love."
 
 "Yes you are, but you can't go on like that. You need to be a part of it.
You can't have a love life vicariously, Ben."
 
 "I'm content with what I have, Cat. Others have less." He spared a
thought for the loveless life that Victoria led. No less than she
deserves, he thought bitterly.
 
 Cat wondered at Ben's comment. How could he be content to live on the
outskirts of love? He was a passionate man and she knew what he felt for
Phil McKenzie. But what could she do?
 
 "I'm ready to get out now," Ben said, softly, pulling Cat away from her
thoughts.
 
 She shook herself and rose to help her friend from the tub. In silence,
she helped him get dry then left him alone. Drawn by a sudden need to be
with Lloyd, she rushed down the stairs, pausing momentarily at the bottom
to watch her lover on the verandah with Diefenbaker and the cats.
 
 It only took a second for Lloyd to become aware of the weight of her
gaze. What he saw in her eyes when he looked up made him push the animals
aside and cross the room in great strides. When he reached her, Cat lifted
her hand and stroked his bandaged arm.
 
 "You'll need help in the shower," she told him, sliding her hand up his
arm, across his shoulder to the back of his neck.
 
 He nodded and gestured behind him at the open door and blazing lights.
"I'll just ..."
 
 Cat cut him off. "Leave it." There was no time to waste.
 
 
 Lloyd didn't even get time to dry himself after his shower. Cat tugged
him out of her small bathroom across the floor to the bed. Lit only by the
dim moon and a small slit of light that spilled under the door from the
hallway Cat nudged him onto his back and proceeded to make love with an
energy he had not seen before. When it was over she collapsed, sobbing,
onto his chest. He held her, stroking her hair as he waited for the storm
to pass.
 
 "Do you want to tell me what that was about?" he asked when her breathing
had evened. 
 
 Cat pushed her face into his shoulder and began to cry again. This time
it was gentle, her hot tears sliding down her face to drip into Lloyd's
hair.
 
 "I feel lost, Lloyd. I don't know how to help Ben." She lifted a hand at
wiped at her eyes.
 
 Lloyd shifted her sideways and reached for a tissue, wiping her eyes
gently and kissing her forehead.
 
 "What makes you think he needs help?"
 
 "He told me earlier that he knows he can never have love in his life
again and he's never going to let himself have it." Cat pulled back and
stared at her lover. "He thinks he deserves to be punished."
 
 There was nothing Lloyd could say to that. He pulled her close again and
held her, letting her cry as she needed to. He thought about a time when
he had held Phil the same way while she cried for Ben. He wondered what
sort of hold this man had to make the two strongest women he knew feel
such pain. He also knew that Ben was unaware of their pain.
 
 
 When Ben finally emerged from the bathroom the house was silent.
Diefenbaker sat at the top of the stairs staring at Cat's closed bedroom
door. In the guestroom, Sheila, Bella and the three kittens vied for space
on his bed. Shaking his head in disgust, Ben hobbled down the stairs into
the living room. After the day he had had, he knew sleep would be a long
time coming. 
 
 The next day was several hours old before Ben finally dragged his weary
body and soul up the steps. Upon reaching his room, he found there was no
space to be had on the bed. Diefenbaker stretched across the middle, with
Bella and her kittens nestled against his belly. Pressed against the
length of his back was Sheila, stretching almost to the same length across
the bed. He sighed, pulled a pillow from the bed and the comforter from
the closet and settled down to sleep on the floor.
 
 
 Ben's door was still shut fast when Cat and Lloyd left to drive into
Moose Jaw the next morning. Cat panicked for a moment, telling Lloyd how
unlike Ben it was to sleep that late. Lloyd calmed her, reassuring her
with his belief that the events of the previous day had been more than
enough to make anyone sleep a little late, Ben included.
 
 
 Ben was eating breakfast in the kitchen when Lloyd returned from taking
Cat to work.
 
 "How's the foot?" he asked, snagging a pear from the fruit bowl on the
table.
 
 "Much better, thank you." Ben pushed his plate aside and reached for his
tea. "And your arm?"
 
 "A bit sore, but I'll live." He took a bite of the pear and hoisted
himself up to sit on the island bench. "Are you up to a trip out to the
lake?"
 
 "The lake? What did you have in mind?"
 
 "A swim. Nothing too energetic. It's going to be a hot day." He bit into
his pear again and spoke around a mouthful. "It'd be good for your ankle,
too." 
 
 Ben nodded. He had heard the weather forecast. A heartfelt smile spread
across his face. "I'd like that."
 
 
 Less than an hour later the two men pulled into the carpark of the
Bradshaw Picnic Grounds on the shore of Lake Diefenbaker. After parking
under the shade of a large tree, the two men crossed the grass and settled
on a large rock overhanging the waters edge. Dief bounded off ahead of
them, excited about being at the lake again. While Lloyd and Ben rested in
the sun, Dief swam a little and chased birds.
 
 "That animal is crazy," Lloyd said, gesturing to Dief who teased a flock
of birds on the waters edge.
 
 "I sometimes think that the combination of lupine and canine genes has
not been a great success. Diefenbaker doesn't behave like a pet. In fact,
he seems to deliberately ignore everything I say. But neither does he
behave like a wolf. He's incapable of hunting or tracking and heaven
forbid he should have to walk on snow in winter." He shook his head in
disgust as Dief trotted further down the beach towards a family who
appeared to have a picnic basket. "Take my advice, Lloyd. Never let a wolf
save your life. They make you pay and pay and pay."
 
 Lloyd laughed heartily. He could see Ben's frustration, but it was clear
to him that Ben would go to great lengths to ensure Dief's safety. He
thought about Phil and wondered what she would think if she could see the
scene he saw. Without knowing how it happened, he found himself thinking
about Ben and the child he never knew.
 
 "Well, he doesn't look like he's coming back any time soon. What say we
go for a swim?"
 
 Ben nodded in agreement and began removing his clothing, folding each
item carefully and placing it on a rock so it would not get wet. Lloyd
kicked his moccasins off at the same time as he pulled his t-shirt over
his head and tossed it carelessly aside. He was down to the swimming
trunks he had worn under his jeans before Ben had even folded his shirt.
 
 Lloyd rushed into the water, diving from the rock ledge on which they had
been sitting. Ben stopped, holding his breath for a moment, waiting for
the other man to resurface. He was startled when Lloyd's sleek black head
broke the surface much further away than he had expected. He lifted one
hand over his head and waved.
 
 "Come on in, Ben. The water's great!"
 
 Ben smiled and waved back. Finally down to his swimming trunks, he
carefully placed his stetson atop the pile of neatly folded clothes and
hobbled to the waters edge. Slipping ungraciously into the cool water, he
breaststroked out to the centre of the lake where Lloyd was alternately
diving below the surface and swimming back and forth.
 
 "Look over there," Lloyd said as Ben drew near. 
 
 Treading water, Ben turned and looked where Lloyd had pointed. Further
along the lake edge a large willow tree over hung the water. From its
largest limb hung a rope swing. Before Ben could comment, Lloyd was
swimming toward the tree. Oh no, he thought to himself briefly before
following the other man.
 
 By the time Lloyd dragged himself out of the water, Dief had spotted them
and bounded towards them. As he reached them, a woman in a lime green
leisure suit stepped into the clearing. Ben pulled himself out of the
water onto a rock in time to see his lupine companion almost knock the
woman over in his haste to reach his friends.
 
 
 Constable Marchand pulled a notepad towards him and reached for a pencil,
holding the phone on his shoulder with his chin. "Wolf ma'am?" 
 
 "As sure as I'm standing here, young man," the woman at the other end of
the line stated firmly. "An arctic wolf, if I'm not mistaken."
 
 "By the lake?" Marchand had a feeling he knew exactly which wolf the
woman spoke of.
 
 "Yes, just past the Bradshaw Picnic Grounds. You can't miss it." The
woman took a breath and launched into her story again. "He's attacked a
man already. I saw him limping! There was another fella there, longhaired,
you know one of those Indians, maybe he hypnotised it or something. You
know what they're like. You've got to do something!"
 
 Marchand closed his eyes, imagining the scene at the lake. Constable
Fraser and Lloyd Hope must be at the lake with Diefenbaker. What they were
doing he couldn't say. All he knew was that somehow they had given the
woman the impression that Dief was attacking them and it was Lloyd's
fault. After the business yesterday at the hospital, there was no way he
would let Sergeant Madden know about this. He had to take care of it
himself. He took a breath and answered the woman at the other end of the
line.
 
 "Yes, of course, ma'am. I'll get down there right away."
 
 After more of her ranting and insisting she take down his details, he put
the phone down and turned to his colleague, Constable Dixon.
 
 "There's a report of a ... a ... wild animal loose at the lake. I'll go
check it out." He glanced towards the glass wall that separated the main
area from Cat's office. She was still on a phone call he had put through
to her fifteen minutes ago and judging by the amount of hand waving going
on, she would be for some time. Briefly he wondered if she had Italian
blood. He turned again to Dixon. "Let Sergeant Madden know where I am."
 
 "Sure," Dixon replied amiably. "You want I should call Animal Services?"
 
 Marchand collected his hat and began backing towards the door. "No. Wait
till I've checked it out. I'm sure it's nothing." With that he rushed from
the building.
 
 Cat's jeep in the carpark confirmed Marchand's suspicions. He followed
the directions of the woman he had spoken to and in no time found the
clearing where Ben and Lloyd were. Moving around a bush he saw Lloyd swing
out over the lake on a rope suspended from a tree, hanging on with his
good arm. Tucked under the other he carried Diefenbaker. He let out a
whoop of joy as he let go of the rope and Dief at the same time, both of
them dropping into the water only metres apart. Perched on a rock under
the tree, Ben tipped his head back and laughed. His laughter stopped
abruptly when he became aware of Marchand's presence.
 
 Hauling himself up with one arm and at the same time reaching for the
stetson he realised belatedly was on a rock further around the lake, Ben
tried hard to maintain his dignity. 
 
 "Constable Marchand," he said, blushing at being caught out of uniform by
a fellow RCMP officer.
 
 "Constable Fraser." Marchand blushed too. 
 
 Thankfully for both men, before anything further needed to be said
Diefenbaker and Lloyd emerged from the water, both dripping.
 
 "Hi, Will," Lloyd said as he shook the water from his hair and tossed it
over his shoulders.
 
 "Hello, Lloyd." He lifted his stetson from his head and twisted it
nervously in his hands. "I had a report about a wolf attacking people and
the woman was insistent I check it out."
 
 "Was she wearing a lime green leisure suit?" Lloyd asked, a broad smile
spreading across his face. He remembered how shocked the woman had been
when she happened upon the strange trio.
 
 "I don't know," he muttered. "I spoke to her on the phone."
 
 Dief approached the three men, waiting until he was near them before
shaking his fur. Ben barely concealed a smile as he watched the full body
shimmy Dief performed, spraying Constable Marchand liberally with lake
water.
 
 "Diefenbaker!" Both Ben and Lloyd called. They made eye contact, each
recognising the other was close to laughing.
 
 Marchand swiped at his uniform, shaking off what water hadn't soaked
through the thin cotton of his summer shirt. He glared at Dief and moved
slightly, increasing the distance between himself and the wolf.
 
 "Ah, well, I guess I should get back to the Depot. I just wanted to check
that there was no real danger." Marchand stepped backwards away from the
trio in the general direction from which he had come.
 
 "Yes. Of course," Ben said, stepping closer to Marchand. "Can I ask a
favour before you go?"
 
 "Sure." Marchand lifted his stetson and placed it firmly on his head.
"What can I do for you?"
 
 "I would be very grateful ... that is ... given what happened yesterday
... "
 
 Lloyd stepped forward and clapped a wet hand onto Marchand's shoulder. "I
think what Ben is trying to say is that he doesn't want you to tell Cathy
that we're down here playing like a couple of kids."
 
 Ben made a strange noise at Lloyd's description, but nodded his
agreement. "Yes, please, Constable Marchand. It would probably be best if
you forget you saw us."
 
 Marchand looked past the two men, out across the lake. "Yes, of course."
 
 He turned and fled, disappearing into the bushes. Ben and Lloyd waited
only a few seconds before exploding in laughter.
 
 "I'm getting hungry," Lloyd said after they had stopped laughing. "What
about you?"
 
 "Yes, I'm hungry too," Ben replied. "But I'd like to do one thing before
we leave."
 
 Lloyd raised an eyebrow in question as Ben turned away and headed towards
the rope swing. When he realised what Ben was about to do he rushed to his
side, offering support as the other man raised his uninjured ankle into
the loop at the bottom of the rope. Once in position and hanging on
firmly, Ben nodded and Lloyd let go. His weight swung him rapidly out over
the water and as he reached the point where he would begin to swing back
towards the shore he let go, holding his strong ankle in front of him to
break the surface of the water.
 
 Lloyd watched, smiling, as Ben disappeared under the water and re-emerged
a few seconds later. Pleased to finally see a playful side to Ben, he now
fully understood why Phil loved him. Was it too late to help them?
 
 After they left the lake the two men ate a large lunch at Ben's favourite
diner. Diefenbaker stayed outside drying his fur in the sun and complained
when he was woken up to go home.
 
 By the time they got home there was just enough time for Lloyd to shower
and change his clothes, then hastily throw his stuff into his worn
backpack.
 
 Ben accompanied Lloyd out to the jeep, waiting while he tossed his pack
in the backseat and farewelled the animals that had joined them.
 
 "It was good to finally meet you, Lloyd," Ben said as the other man
turned to him.
 
 Lloyd nodded, smiling. "After all I've heard about you it's good to be
able to put a face to a name. I'm sure it won't be too long before we meet
again."
 
 "Please send my regards to your parents and to Casey and Trevor."
 
 "I'll be sure to do that." He held out his hand. "Well, goodbye, Ben."
 
 Ben shook his hand. "Goodbye, Lloyd. And thank you ... for ..." he waved
his left hand, suddenly too ashamed to put into words what he really
wanted to say.
 
 But Lloyd was an astute man. He knew that Ben referred to the information
he had given him about Phil. "You're welcome," he said, voice low and
gentle. He turned and climbed into the jeep.
 
 Ben stepped back and waited while Lloyd started the engine. Lloyd gave
him a wave, then shifted the engine into gear. Before he could take off
Ben lurched forward and gripped the door handle. Lloyd stomped on the
brakes and turned to the man at the window.
 
 Ben's eyes were wide and his expression open like a child.
 
 "This man," he began eagerly. "This man that Phil is to marry."
 
 "Martin," Lloyd said in a voice that gave away nothing about his
thoughts.
 
 "Oh." Ben thought for a split second. It hadn't occurred to ask his name.
He stared intensely at Lloyd. "You will see that he takes good care of
her."
 
 Lloyd smiled with something that Ben could only think of as
protectiveness. "Don't worry, Ben. You can be sure I'll do that."
 
 Ben nodded his acceptance and held Lloyd's gaze for a second longer. As
he stepped away from the jeep, Lloyd shifted into gear, gave a final wave
and then drove off down the drive.
 
 Ben watched the jeep and as it turned onto the road, turned and went into
the house. He made himself a pot of chamomile tea and carried it into the
living room. Rummaging through Cat's untidy CD collection, he found a copy
of Puccini's Madame Butterfly. He slipped the disc into the player then
wandered out to rest in one of the hammocks to await Cat's return.
 
 In Moose Jaw, Cat and Lloyd only had time for a quick cup of coffee
before his plane. After a hasty farewell at the check in counter, Cat left
Lloyd and headed home to Ben, stopping once along the way to collect
takeout from the only Chinese restaurant in town.
 
 
 When Cat arrived home she found Ben asleep in one of the hammocks on the
verandah. Dief was in the other. She slipped the takeout into a slow oven
to keep warm and then joined her friend on the verandah, making herself
comfortable in her favourite old wicker chair.
 
 As the late afternoon turned into evening Cat watched Ben sleep,
wondering what this week had meant to him. He had arrived with injuries
both mental and physical and it seemed she would send him back to Chicago
with more of both.
 
 When Ben and the animals finally woke, they ate the Chinese food from the
containers sitting on stools in the kitchen. Ben chided Cat as she dropped
tidbits onto the floor for Dief. The cats weren't remotely interested, so
she fed them fresh meat in their own special bowls then returned to her
own meal. 
 
 They didn't speak much. It seemed they had reached a calm place in their
friendship and old wounds were beginning to heal. They both slept well
that night.
 
 Cat rose early the next morning, awakened by noise from outside. Shoving
a snoring wolf off her feet, she rolled out of bed and padded naked to the
large window. Outside, Ben was on his knees in the columbine patch.
Judging by the size of the weed pile by his side, he had been at work for
some time. She smiled contentedly and went downstairs to make breakfast.
 
 Ben's final day in Canada was spent at home. After breakfast Cat joined
Ben in the garden, picking what vegetables were still growing and pulling
out others that were finished for the season. They didn't talk much, but
when they did it was the way it had always been between them. Cat's heart
filled with warmth. Ben's stay and his meeting with Lloyd had turned out
far better than she could have hoped. She and Ben had grown close again,
but even better than that, Ben and Lloyd had formed the beginning of a
friendship. To Cat it seemed that everything was coming together
perfectly.
 
 Ben, too, was pleased with the events of the past week. Most of them,
anyway. He had dealt with his feelings about Cat and Lloyd and finally
admitted to himself that she had been right all along. But it was the
spectre of Lloyd's relationship with Phil that tugged at his mind no
matter how hard he tried to ignore it. As he and Cat worked side by side
in the garden, he found it filled his mind and threatened to overwhelm
him. He almost laughed out loud at the irony. What were the odds that his
former lover's new lover would once have been his lover? And what were the
odds that they would all remain friends after all this time? When it
became too much to think about he dug harder, ignoring the protest of his
ribs and lower back. He deserved the pain. Plus it kept him from thinking
about Phil's impending marriage.
 
 Ben's plane was to leave at four o'clock. Less than twenty-four hours
after she had farewelled Lloyd, Cat was back at the airport to farewell
Ben and Diefenbaker. Once they were checked in, Cat led them to the coffee
shop. It wasn't until their order of coffee and a plate of nachos to share
was served that Cat realised it was the same table they had sat after
Ben's last, less happy visit.
 
 "Well, what's Ray going to say when you get home? I told him to send you
up here so I could take care of you and now I'm sending you back in worse
condition."
 
 Ben dipped a corn chip into the beans and guacamole and stuck it in his
mouth before answering. "He'll probably think you were beating me."
 
 Smiling, Cat swallowed a mouthful of food. "First joke I've heard you
make in ages, Ben."
 
 "It's the first time in ages I've felt like making one."
 
 "This visit has been great." She reached across the table and squeezed
his hand. "For both us."
 
 "Yes it has." This time Ben's smile didn't quite make it to his eyes. He
knew there were things that would come back to haunt him in his lonely
apartment when he the warmth of his time with Cat had faded away.
 
 
 When it was finally time to depart the two friends hugged silently for as
long as they could.
 
 "Thank you for everything, Cat."
 
 "You know there's nothing to thank me for."
 
 Ben just smiled. "I'm glad I met Lloyd. I'm really happy for you."
 
 "Thanks, Ben. I'm glad you got on so well." She was tempted to remind Ben
that he, too, could have what they had, but decided against it. They had
been down that road one too many times.
 
 After more hugs and farewells, Ben finally disappeared through the
departure gate, leaving Cat smiling at the empty doorway. Eventually she
turned away, heading for the carpark, trying hard to ignore whatever it
was that was suddenly, inexplicably niggling at her.
 
 As he winged his way toward Chicago, Ben found his relative peace
slipping away as quickly as the miles. For a brief moment he had felt
close to Cat, almost a part of what she and Lloyd had created. But now,
alone again, he found his mind full of thoughts that made his heart race
and his palms sweat.
 
 He was on the outskirts.
 
 Becka had moved onto a new job in Kitimat, her exile from the RCMP
drawing to a close. She had no need for him, even though she insisted she
did. Cat was deeply involved in her relationship and although she tried
hard to include him, there were things that could only ever exist between
her and Lloyd. 
 
 And what of his friends in Chicago? There were some people he had no
desire to be closer to. For a brief moment he thought of his attempt at a
relationship with Inspector Thatcher. She was a woman who would let no man
get too close and in hindsight he was grateful. It seemed that Ray was the
only person he felt close to and even in that relationship he remained on
the outskirts. Ray's family was something he would never understand, no
matter how many times they invited him to be a part of family events.
 
 If the other reasons were not enough to convince himself, there was
another, far more damning reason. He knew that the one woman who could
make him complete was finally completely and totally unattainable. It was
this that would keep him from reaching what his heart longed for. It was
this that would keep him on the outskirts.
 
 All comments welcome at mullum@tig.com.au
 
 Nothing Lasts Forever (Book 2 of the Ben and Phil Saga)
 
 1.Nothing Lasts Forever 
 2.Of Second Chances by Carol Trendall 
 3.Winter in America is Cold by Carol Trendall 
 4.Lavender Memories 
 5.Distractions by Carol Trendall 
 6.No Aphrodisiac by Carol Trendall 
 7.Life's Insanity by Carol Trendall 
 8.Standing on the Edge by Carol Trendall 
 9.Of Past Regret and Future Fear by Carol Trendall 
 10.A Summoning of Things Past 
 11.Three Parts Dead 
 12.A Job Well Done 
 13.Touchstones of Character 
 14.But For the Night 
 15.Tangled Webs 
 16.Suspicions 
 17.Chasms of the Mind (with Carol Trendall) 
 18.Outskirts by Carol Trendall