Disclaimer: This story is written for the private	 

Disclaimer: This story is written for the private entertainment of fans.
The author makes no claims on the characters or their portrayal by the
creation of this story. Fraser, Vecchio, et.al. belong to Alliance; the
McKenzies and friends belong to me; Cat Madden belongs to Carol Trendall
and is used with permission. No infringement of any copyrights held by
CBS, Alliance, CTV or any other copyright holders of DUE SOUTH is
intended. This story is not published for profit, and the author does not
give permission for this story to be reproduced for profit. 

  

Nemesis 

By Cassandra Hope 

(Copyright October 1997)  

"We had learned to discriminate by its noise, long before we could see a
rapid, whether it was filled with rocks, or was merely a descent of big
water. The latter, often just as impressive as the former, had a sullen,
steady boom; the rock rapids had the same sound, punctuated by another
sound, like the crack of regiments of musketry." 

Ellsworth Kolb--Through the Grand Canyon from Wyoming to Mexico 

   

Dawn crept upon the camp at Havasu Creek. Phil sat hunched over the small
fire and watched the pot of coffee. Occasionally she stirred the embers of
the fire with a stick but, mostly, she stared into the depths of the
flames. Sleep had eluded her and finally she had given up and arisen long
before dawn. 

Tumultuous thoughts of the previous night were uppermost in her mind. She
had actually kissed Ben and, she admitted to herself, enjoyed it. For the
first time since this trip began, she had felt at ease with him. Even when
he held her and kissed her, she had felt at ease. 

Why was she doing this to herself? Only more hurt and pain could come from
this. She didn't love him anymore; she loved Martin. She buried her eyes
in the sleeve of her shirt. She could hear Ben's clear voice speaking
softly in her thoughts. 'I've had problems...' 

So what if he had problems? Everyone had problems. She had problems. That
was nothing new. 'I think I started to lose my mind...' Ben's voice
whispered to her. Could she really believe that he had missed her so much
that it affected his sanity? Did he really dream of her? 

Phil's dreams had died years ago. Oh, every once in awhile, one raised its
head, but she had learned how to suppress it and beat it back into that
dark corner of her mind where her memories of Benton Fraser resided. Did
she want to open that corner? Did she want Ben back in her life? Could she
chance being hurt again? Why was he here? Why did Colin have to have that
attack of appendicitis on this trip? Why was she here? 

"Phil!!! What are you doing up? Why it's not even 5:30!" 

Startled, Phil raised her face to Travis. Momentarily at a loss for words,
she finally stammered, "I couldn't...I couldn't sleep so I...I decided to
fix the coffee." 

Travis sat beside her and slipped an arm around her slight frame. "Don't
worry about Lava Falls. You'll make it through just fine." 

Once more startled eyes flew to Travis' face. He thought she was worried
about Lava Falls? Well, at least that excuse was better than telling him
she was thinking about Ben. She dropped her eyes once more and stirred the
embers of the fire with her stick. "I hope you're right, Travis. I'd like
to make it through just once in my life." 

Travis squeezed her shoulder. "You'll do just fine." 

Ben lay with his back to the fire. He listened to the soft sounds coming
from the direction of the fire. Phil's dulcet voice drifted to him in the
still air of the morning. He closed his eyes and let his thoughts wander
that familiar path in his mind to his memories of Phil and the love they
had shared. How could he have been so stupid all those years ago? How
could he have mistaken what he felt for Victoria for love? He knew what
love was. Phil had shown him that many years ago. Yet, he had thrown it
away for Victoria. He felt the moisture collect at the corner of his eye
and trickle down his face to moisten his pillow. How could he have been
such a fool? 

Stealthily he wiped at his eyes, removing the evidence of his disquiet. He
slipped out of his sleeping bag and made his way over to the fire. He
wasn't the only one awakening in the camp and soon the early morning crew
was gathered around the fire drinking Phil's coffee and teasing her about
Lava Falls. * * * 

Phil stood beside the Glen Canyon and answered questions about the trip
for that day. Fielding the last one, she opened Powell's journal and began
reading:  

August 25--We make twelve miles this morning, when we come to monuments of
lava, standing in the river; low rocks, mostly, but some of them shafts
more than a hundred feet high...Great quantities of cooled lava and many
cinder cones are seen on either side; and then we come to an abrupt
cataract. Just over the fall, on the right wall, a cinder cone, or extinct
volcano, with a well defined crater, stands on the very brink of the
canyon...From this volcano vast floods of lava have been poured down into
the river, and a stream of the molten rock has run up the canyon, three or
four miles, and down, we know not how far. Just where it poured over the
canyon wall is the fall... 

What a conflict of water and fire there must have been here! Just imagine
a river of molten rock, running down into a river of melted snow. What a
seething and boiling of the waters; what clouds of steam rolled into the
heavens! 

Thirty-five miles today. Hurrah! ***  

Pausing for a moment, she glanced at the faces turned toward her. A slow
smile brightened her face. "Lava Falls awaits us. Let's not disappoint
it." * * * 

A million years ago the western part of the Canyon was alive with volcanic
activity. The Canyon was already in existence and probably looked much
like it did on the day Phil's group negotiated it. However, a million
years ago, a series of volcanic vents on the northern plateaus poured
forth red-hot streams of lava to cascade over the lip of the Canyon making
a dam about 1400 feet high. The lava dam created a lake in the Canyon
about 180 miles long. 

Phil enjoyed discussing the evolution of the Canyon with anyone who was
willing to listen. Not too surprising, today it was Benton Fraser who
shared her seat and discussed the volcanics with her. Ray glanced over his
shoulder at the couple in the stern of the dory and grimaced. He was glad
that he didn't have to act like he was interested in what was being
discussed. Rocks, sheesh, he'd had enough rocks to last him a lifetime.
How could anyone be that interested in dirt? He shook his head and turned
back to watch the river.  

"That's Vulcan's Anvil," Phil called to the others as the boats neared the
prominent rock tower in the river. "Most geologists believe that it's a
volcanic neck--the solidified core of an extinct volcano."  

Another smaller group was already investigating the Anvil and as Phil's
group drew even with them the leader of the other group hailed Travis.
Travis waved back and ceased rowing when it became apparent that the other
man wanted to talk with him. The Glen Canyon drifted nearer to the raft
and the kayak. 

"Howdy," the man spoke with a Texas drawl, "ya'll headed for Lava Falls?" 

Travis nodded his head. "That's the general idea." 

"How bad is it?" 

Travis sighed deeply. "If I had a choice I'd go around it." 

"Damn, that's what we'd heard." The man removed his baseball cap and swept
an arm across his brow, grimacing slightly. 

Concerned, Travis asked, "Have you negotiated anything similar to Lava
Falls?" 

"Nope, just started rafting last year--kinda preparing for this trip. Me
and the family applied for our permit years ago. Didn't think we'd ever
get it but we did and here we are!" 

"What's the problem?" Terry asked as he drew the Grand Canyon level with
the Glen Canyon. The remainder of the crafts bunched near them. 

"This group hasn't been through anything like Lava Falls," Phil called
across the distance to Terry. 

The kayak bumped against the Hetch Hetchy as it crowded closer to the
dories. "Hey, man, how are things cooking?" the young man asked. 

"Danny, leave them alone," the Texan called. "Ya'll have to pardon my son.
He gits like that around a purty girl. My name's Curtis Hill by the way.
This here's my wife, Sally, and that's our boy, Danny." 

Travis shared a look with his brother. It was all too apparent that Danny
had eyes for Mara. The girl, in turn, basked in the attention she was
getting.  

Curtis coughed loudly then spoke again. "We were wondering if we could
hook up with ya'll until we get through Lava Falls." His voice rose
slightly in a question. 

Travis nodded his head. "I think that would be a wise precaution, Mr.
Hill. We can show you the best way to run Lava Falls although I would
suggest very strongly that your son portage that kayak around the rapids."


"Ya see, boy, even the experts say ya gotta carry that thing around the
rapid," Curtis called to his son. 

"I hear ya, Pa." 

"You can walk around with me," Mara leaned over the side of the dory and
cooed at the smitten youth. 

"Oh brother," Phil whispered and rolled her eyes. At least Danny was
providing a distraction for Ben. 

"Good, just fall in behind and follow us down," Travis called as he again
took up the oars and began rowing.  

The raft brought up the tail of the small flotilla but the kayak paced
along side the Hetch Hetchy. Everyone watched the black edifice of
Vulcan's Anvil retreat behind them. The walls of the canyon drew closer
together once more and the travelers stared ahead searching for the
tell-tale ripple that indicated rough water ahead. Unfortunately the river
still ran swiftly and calmly onward. Just knowing what was ahead was
enough to cause several people to question the wisdom of coming on this
trip--Ray among them. He glanced over his shoulder checking on Ben and
Phil in the stern. They chatted together as if this was a Sunday stroll in
the park. Ray faced forward once more. He wanted no surprises. The sound
of the rapids grew louder. 

The small group of explorers beached their craft above the rapids and
trooped out to inspect the whitewater before them. Lava Falls Rapids,
generally considered one of the worst in the Canyon, did nothing to ease
the fears of the group standing on its brink. It had earned its reputation
by causing more upsets than any other rapids in the Canyon. In addition,
the widespread knowledge that their erstwhile leader had never made it
through added to the unease experienced by the group. 

Lava Falls is about 80 yards wide and 300 yards long. It is rated
somewhere above a 10, the most savage whitewater encountered by boatmen in
North America. Stretched across the center third of the river is a shelf
with a straight drop of 12 feet. To avoid capsizing, boatmen steer to one
side or the other of the shelf. Near the shore on each side exists an
opening where the drop is less severe but even in those openings there are
giant boulders and deep holes and waves that appeared large enough to
smother their small boats. 

"Well, Phil, what do you think?" Carol asked as she came up behind her
friend. 

Phil turned a baleful glare on her friend. "I think I'm a glutton for
punishment!" She shook her head and motioned toward the whitewater. "I
don't know why this stretch still gives me the 'willies.'" 

"Probably because it fucking knows you're afraid of it." Carol chuckled
and patted Phil on the arm.  

Phil grinned ruefully at Carol. "You're probably right." She glanced back
at the rapids and her eyes took on a faraway look. A wistful smile played
at the corner of her mouth. "Do you remember that first time we went
through Lava Falls together?" 

Carol smiled as well. "How could I forget? You pulled me in with you!" 

Phil sighed deeply. "You're never going to let me forget that, are you?" 

Carol's eyes sparkled as she shook her head no. "Not on your life, ya
bastard." 

Phil dropped her forehead into the palm of her left hand and slowly shook
her head. Under her breath she muttered, "What did I ever do to deserve
this?" She turned her face toward Carol and grinned as Carol chuckled at
her remark. "Actually, I was thinking more about what happened
afterwards." 

"Oh..." Carol's features softened. 

"Don't play Little Miss Innocent with me, Carol!" Phil wagged a finger in
Carol's face. 

"Who me?" Carol batted her eyelashes. 

"Yes, you! You know damn well what I mean. I think that seeing you go over
the side of the dory is what spurred Travis on." She shifted her gaze to
the small group of boatmen, along with Ben and Ray, who were intently
studying the rapids. She let her sight linger on Ben's tanned frame. Even
in shorts and a T-shirt he was still the most handsome man she had ever
seen. Something stirred in the region of her heart and the longing that
swept over her was reflected in her eyes.  

Carol watched Phil watch the men. She caught the fleeting expressions that
passed across her face but when a look of intense longing settled there,
she asked, "Phil?" 

"Hmmm?" 

Carol stepped in front of Phil, effectively blocking her view of Ben.
"Phil, you look like a kid with her fucking nose pressed up against a toy
store window at Christmas." 

Startled, Phil's eyes dropped to Carol's feet. An unwelcome blush crept up
into her cheeks. "I'm sorry, Carol. It's just that sometimes all those old
feelings hit me and I want..." her husky voice trailed off. 

Carol cocked her head. "You want what?" she gently asked. 

Phil threw up her hands in disgust. Shrugging her shoulders, she turned
away from the men. Stealing a quick glance over her shoulder, she
experienced a gamut of perplexing emotions. "I don't know, Carol. I wish
to heaven I did!" Her voice was shakier than she would have liked. 

"What's up?" Josie joined the two women. 

Carol smiled sympathetically at Phil before turning to her sister-in-law.
"Nothing much except this arsehole here is having lustful thoughts about a
certain member of this group." 

"She's drooling over Ben again?" Josie tilted her head and placed her
hands on her hips. 

"Josie!" Phil exclaimed as both Carol and Josie broke into laughter. She
shook her head vehemently in denial before hanging her head and admitting,
"Okay. I'll admit it. But...can you blame me?" 

"No, I can't say that I do. Just don't tell Terry that," Josie hastily
added. 

"Nor can I." Carol seconded Josie. "Your taste in men is impeccable, Phil.
Take it from someone who knows!" The smile on Carol's face was directed at
her husband. 

Phil sighed and the longing reentered her voice. "It's just too bad I
can't seem to find the right one for me." 

"I think you have but you're too afraid to admit it," Josie said. She and
Carol had discussed Phil's plight after she told them about Ben's and her
relationship. They could understand Phil's attraction to the man. What
they couldn't understand was her refusal to do anything about it. 

Phil's silence was all the answer Carol and Josie needed. Phil might claim
to love Martin, but her actions indicated otherwise. * * * 

Standing atop 'Spectator Rock', the group of boatmen studied the rapid.
After much discussion, a route was decided for the raft. Curtis turned
from surveying the churning water. "What's the best way to navigate this
one?" 

Terry motioned toward the river. "There are two ways: right or left.
Straight down the middle guarantees a disaster." 

"The middle of the river is a giant ledge," said Travis using his hands to
illustrate. "A guaranteed flip. Our favorite run is to the left of that
ledge which we can do at anywhere from 18,000 to 50,000 cubic feet per
second. Unfortunately, we won't see that today." 

Terry seconded that. "More likely we'll see slot water. Just to the right
of the ledge is a slot about the width of a boat with another hole to the
right of that. It's damn scary 'cause the hole below the main ledge is the
nastiest place you could ever find yourself." 

"Yeah, but if you do everything right, it's almost like a magical highway.
It's like there's this little door that opens up and you shoot right on
through." Travis' voice glowed with suppressed excitement. 

"I guess we'll try the right way," Curtis volunteered. "See ya'll at the
bottom." He tipped his hat and strode off to join his wife. The raft was
launched and began its run through Lava Falls. The group on the bank
cheered them on and in short time, the raft bounced through and, although
there were times when it looked like both Curtis and his wife were being
tossed from it, the couple made it through. A shout from downstream was
echoed by Danny who had watched his parents maneuver through the rapid
with Phil's group. He grabbed Mara and swung her around before dropping
her back on the ground. He spun about and reached for Phil but she
sidestepped his reach. She had no interest in being spun about unless it
was by a certain Mountie. No, she didn't even want that! 

"Those people were damn lucky. If you make an error of just a few inches
you can get into real bad trouble," Terry commented as he wiped the sweat
from his brow. 

"I thought for sure they were going to end up in that hole. How they
managed to get past that is beyond me!" Travis shook his head in
amazement. 

Terry chuckled and grinned slyly at his brother. Turning to Ben and Ray,
he spoke in a conspiratorial tone of voice, "Travis knows from experience.
He flipped in the slot last month. It's turned a lot of boats over." Terry
grinned at his brother. 

"So, basically, you hit the slot and ride it through?" Ben used his own
hands to indicate the planned attack on the rapid. 

Travis grimaced and, removing his hat, scratched the back of his head. "I
wish it was that simple, Ben. It looks like slot water today. That means a
series of gigantic, irregular V-shaped waves. We'll try to get into the
apex of each one. After it knocks us around we'll try to straighten out
for the next one. If we miss a little bit to one side or the other, we'll
end up sideways into a wave. A guaranteed flip." 

Terry added, "To top it off, these waves are very explosive. They break
back on themselves anywhere from 6 to 15 feet high." 

Replacing his hat, Travis motioned toward the slot. His jaws clenched, his
eyes narrowed as he stared at the water, then he chuckled. "I wouldn't
mind the right run so much if that was all there was to it." 

A flash of shared memory flashed between the two brothers. "Amen," Terry
added. 

For Ben's benefit, Travis pointed downstream. "Down at the bottom is a
giant chunk of black lava. It just sits there and eats boats. Right there
on the edge of the wave train. Sometimes you can reach out and touch it as
you go by." 

"And sometimes you plow right into it. We lost the Columbia on it last
year." 

"That was my favorite boat, too," Travis mournfully remarked. * * * 

The group gathered around the boatmen listening as Travis spoke to them.
"Folks, in all the years that Terry and I negotiated this river, we would
never take a boat through Lava Falls if it could be avoided. Lava Falls is
a beast." 

"Is it really that bad? I mean, you've said that before and we've managed
to get through," Ray asked the question that burned in the thoughts of
each person.  

"Have you ever watched a clothes dryer? That's what Lava Falls is like.
The only difference between that clothes dryer and Lava Falls is that you
won't be on the outside looking in. You'll be on the inside wishing you
were out!" The group looked at him then at Phil looking for the customary
half smile, but the smiles were not there. 

"We have never encouraged anyone to attempt these rapids. Except for
Spuds, that is." Phil grimaced slightly causing the group chucked at her
expense. "If you have the tiniest bit of doubt about this...don't attempt
it. Lava Falls makes Crystal look like your bathtub at home." 

Terry seconded Travis' comments. "Folks, we have to take the dories
through. You don't. Most people, at least the sane ones, elect to hike
around the rapids. It's a lot safer." 

Travis spoke up once more. "Those of you still game to try, let's load
up." Half a dozen people made their way to the boats while the rest began
the hike around the whitewater. Danny, carrying his kayak, and Mara had
already disappeared down the trail around the rapid. At least he'd taken
the advice of Travis and Terry and portaged around the rapid. 

"Ray, you're going to try Lava Falls?" A genuine smile settled onto Ben's
face.  

Ray ducked his head and dug in the sand with the toe of his shoe. "Yeah,
yeah. Remind me to get my head examined when we get back to civilization."


"Ray, Ray, Ray..." but Ben's comment was cut short by Travis. 

"Okay. Let's see..." Travis' eyes raked over the small group at the boats.
"Let's split everyone evenly among the boats." 

Ray grinned when he found himself paired with Phil in the Grand Canyon
with Terry at the controls. Ben was paired with Jim Trexler in the Glen
Canyon. The dories moved out into the river and lined up for their run.
Left, of course, was a minefield of rocks. The holes in the middle and the
V-waves on the right looked like a series of depth charges exploding in
irregular patterns. 

The rafts were first through the maelstrom. As with Crystal, there were no
mishaps. The Flaming Gorge shot through and everyone held his or her
breath as it maneuvered past the rock at the bottom. The Hetch Hetchy
followed with no mishaps. Travis pulled the Glen Canyon into line for his
run. Starting through, Ben and Jim clung to the sides of the dory as it
fought its way through the whitewater. No one spoke. The noise of the
water would have drowned any attempts anyway. Entering the rapids at what
seemed to be a perfect place and angle, the dory suddenly plummeted
headlong into a deep hole then pitched upward at an angle of almost 90
degrees. As the water closed over Ben's head he had a glimpse of Travis
still rowing, his oars sweeping the air. In a moment the dory righted
itself only to be swamped by a huge wave that broke over it and tipped it
so far over on its side that it seemed certain to capsize. 

Ben's head was submerged again and when he could see daylight, he gulped
in a lung full of air. The wild ride reminded him of a roller coaster--up
one wave and down the back. Travis fought the current and the tiny boat
trying to keep it aligned with the slot, but the river had other plans.
One particularly vicious wave broke over the side of the Glen Canyon
whipping the boat around. 

Ben was buried under the wave as it washed over the dory. He caught a
glimpse of Travis vainly trying to turn the boat. One of the oars was
wrenched from his grasp and Ben reached to retrieve it. The second wave
that crashed over the boat caught him by surprise and carried him 

overboard. He barely had time to gulp some air before he was pulled under
and twisted about by the violent current. He slammed into a rock on the
bottom then fought his way to the surface. The water churned about him and
he lost all sense of direction. Before he realized it was even there, he
hit the bottom of the dory with enough force to knock the wind from his
lungs. Choking on water, his last clear thought was of how would he
explain this to Ray. 

Phil stood in the Grand Canyon and watched the progress of the Glen
Canyon. When Ben went over the side she held her breath waiting for him to
surface. 

"Where is he?" Ray also anxiously watched the expanse of whitewater ahead.


"I don't know. He should have surfaced by now!" A cold fist of fear
clutched at her heart. Where was Ben? She searched the seething expanse of
water below her finally catching sight of Ben's life jacket. "There he
is!" Her arm shot out as she pointed to the dark speck that was Ben's
head. 

Phil's joy was short-lived as Ben rolled in the water, tossed and pitched
about by the violence of the waves. Panic settled into her gut when she
realized something was wrong. Without even thinking she dove over the side
of the dory and swam toward the spot where Ben was. The current pulled her
under and flung her closer to Ben. It whipped her around and carried her
toward Ben's limp body caught in a small eddy. Phil twisted in the current
and, with a final superhuman effort, grasped the collar of Ben's life
jacket. Fighting the river as it tried to wrench him from her hands, she
drew him closer to her. He appeared to be unconscious as she rolled him
over. Her heart froze in fear. 

"Spuds?" Terry's dory swept down on her. 

"I've got him, Terry." Sputtering as a wave engulfed her, she resurfaced
and shouted, "We'll be all right. I've got Ben and we'll float on down the
river. We'll meet you down below," even though she knew no one could hear
her. 

The Grand Canyon shot on through the slot and followed the other dories in
beaching the boats on the right bank. Phil held onto Ben, wrapping her
arms around him beneath his life jacket, frightened by his
unresponsiveness. Moving out of the small eddy, she struggled to swim to
the right and the bank where the dories waited for them. However, the
current was uncooperative and pulled Ben and her to the left into a heavy
torrent of water with 4 and 5 foot waves: Lower Lava Falls, a continuation
of the big rapids. The group of people on the bank watched helplessly as
Phil and Ben vanished from sight. 

Phil fought the river. Every time it sought to wrench the burden of Ben's
body from her, she clung all the tighter to him. There was no way she
would let the river take the only man she had ever loved from her. She
gritted her teeth and snarled at the river. Every breath she captured
between waves was a victory over her nemesis. Finally, past the rapids,
the current slackened and Phil managed to half-swim, half-drag Ben to the
bank. Pulling him above the water line, she collapsed beside him and shook
with shock--but there was no time for that. 

She rolled over and turned to check on Ben. His face was pinched and blood
ran freely from a scrape along his left arm. A cold knot formed in her
stomach. "Dammit, Ben. Why did you have to do this?" she muttered to
herself. 

She quickly removed her life jacket then struggled with Ben's, finally
pulling it from him. "Ben, don't you do this to me. Dammit, I can't take
losing you again." Her voice trembled with fright. 

Laying her finger aside his throat, she was rewarded with a faint but
strong pulse. Laying her face beside his she felt no air whistling in or
out of his lungs. She felt as if a hand had closed around her heart as she
immediately tilted his head back clearing his airway. There was still no
response. 

"Dammit, Ben. You'd better start breathing or I'll...I'll..." Realizing
the futility of her words, she sprang into action. Closing his nostrils
with one hand, Phil began mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. 

She couldn't control the spasmodic trembling within her. "Ben...don't you
do this me...Ben...I love you...don't die...Ben, please...breathe...I
can't lose you now...T, please..." the words came between the breaths she
breathed into Ben's mouth. 

The hand that snaked up behind her and held her head for a deep kiss took
her by surprise. Phil reared back and stared wide-eyed at the man lying on
the ground. A had flew to her throat. "Ben?" she squeaked. 

Ben coughed and rolled onto his side as he heaved and heaved. Thankfully
he had not inhaled much water, Phil had kept his head above water most of
the time. Rolling back on his back, Ben grinned unrepentantly at Phil. He
used his right hand to wipe at the scrape along his left arm. It came away
bloody. He struggled to sit, finally achieving that goal. 

Phil sat back on the sand and stared as Ben struggled to a sitting
position. Her mouth opened and closed as she sought for words to say but
none came out. Her mind reeled with confusion. 

Ben stared at Phil. Sunlight glinted on the chain around her neck and with
a start, he realized that there was a ring attached to the chain. Was it
his ring? Did she still wear his ring? After all these years did she still
wear his ring? Or was it Martin's ring? Suddenly, it became all-important
for him to know whose ring it was. 

Phil stared blankly at Ben as he reached out to her and grasped the ring
on the chain about her neck. Speechless, she stared into the depths of his
blue eyes. 

"Phil? Whose ring is this?" His voice hoarse from the retching, he brought
a hand to his mouth and coughed. 

The unwelcome tension stretched even tighter between them. Stomach still
clenched tightly, she snapped out of the mindless state she had settled
into when Ben kissed her. "It's my ring, Ben. I've had it for years." She
knocked his hand away. "How long have you been conscious?" she accused. 

Ben smiled at her and coughed again. "Long enough." 

She searched anxiously for the meaning behind the words. "Just what the
hell does that mean?" 

Ben's voice was tender as he again reached for her. "I heard what you
said, Phil." 

"What I said? What I said?" Fury almost choked her. "Why the hell didn't
you tell me you were okay instead of tricking me like that?" 

"I never meant to trick you." His voice was a velvet murmur. 

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE OKAY?" she shouted and before she could
control the urge her fist lashed out and connected with Ben's face. 

Ben saw the blow coming and pulled his head back so that Phil's fist
struck a glancing blow to his jawline. He watched the anger in her eyes
change to pain as she grasped her hand against her chest. He spoke then,
his voice gentle as he recalled an event from their mutual past, "I
thought you had learned your lesson years ago, Phil." 

Phil stared at Ben in misery as her hand began to ache. Tears of anger and
frustration clouded her vision, but she did not draw back as Ben gently
cradled her hand and raised it to his lips. The kiss was feather soft. 

"I'm sorry, Ben," she spoke in a broken whisper. With her uninjured hand
she gently stroked his jawline. His eyes came up and locked with hers. An
eternity passed as they gazed into each other's eyes, the barriers to
their innermost thoughts finally gone. All the hurt and pain and love for
each other was reflected in the depths of those eyes.  

"Phil..." it was little more than a groan, full of the loneliness and
despair that had encompassed his life. 

"Don't Ben..." Words failed her as she once more traced the line of his
jaw, moving her fingers to his lips. She trembled when Ben kissed her
fingers. 

One of Ben's hands crept up to cup the side of her face. He stroked her
lips with his thumb and felt the desire build inside him as she turned her
head and kissed the palm of his hand. 

How long did they sit there like that? Too long for either of them as Ben
slid his hand around behind her neck and slowly drew her face to his.
Still staring into the depths of her eyes, now darkened to deepest brown,
he whispered, "Phil? Say the word and I'll stop." He paused and swallowed
deeply. He watched as she slowly slid her tongue over her lips, waiting
for her to stop him or pull away. 

"I can't, Ben," Phil whispered breathlessly. 

Ben slowly closed the distance between them and gently pressed his lips
against hers. His arm began their journey around her shoulders.  

"Halloo!!!! Ben? Phil?" 

Startled, they jerked apart then turned to see the dories heading toward
the shore and them. Phil rose to her feet and backed away from Ben.
Cradling her hand against her chest, she spun on her heels and hurried to
where the first dory was landing. 

Ray clambered out of the boat and rushed over to where Ben sat. His eyes
raked over the blood-stained shirt and the ragged scrape on his arm. "Are
you all right, Benny? You liked to have scared the holy shit out of me
when you went over. Are you all right?" 

Barely aware of Ray's emotional plea, Ben said the first thing that came
to his mind. "I'm fine, Ray." 

"Fucked up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional, right?" Ray knew when
someone wasn't paying any attention to him and the Mountie certainly had
his attention focused somewhere else. 

Ben's eyes left Phil and centered on Ray's face. He smiled at their shared
memory. "No, Ray. I am all right. Better than I have been in a long time."
His eyes returned to follow Phil. 

Ray followed Ben's line of sight. Phil. He smiled to himself. He couldn't
be sure but it had looked like the dories had interrupted a hefty kiss
between Ben and Phil. A tiny stab of jealousy struck and he quickly
smothered it. He had no right to be jealous of Ben. After all, Ben and
Phil 

had been engaged and it was all too apparent to him that they both still
felt something for each other--something neither one was willing to admit.
Still, he was envious of the chance they had to repair their broken
relationship. He would never have that chance with Casey. 

By this time, the Hunters and several other participants of the trip
surrounded Ray and Ben. Mara settled down beside Ben and ran her fingers
over the scrape on his arm. 

"Oooh, that looks like it hurts!" 

Ben jerked away from her hand. "It does, Ms. Taylor." 

Pouting, Mara said, "Please call me Mara, Benton." 

A look of alarm crept into Ben's eyes as he turned to Ray for help. Ray
responded by pulling Mara to her feet. "Let's make room for Carol so she
can tend to Benny's arm, Mara. By the way, where's Danny?" 

Mara pointed downstream where the raft and the red kayak were just
disappearing from view. It looked like that distraction was now gone. 

Ben shot Ray a grateful look then turned to Carol as she began to clean
the abrasion. "It's not as bad as it looks, Ben, just a nasty scrape. You
know how fucking bad scrapes can be..." 

"Yes I do, Carol," Ben spoke from experience. 

Carol dressed the scrape then grasped Ben's chin and tilted his head away
from her. "Your jaw is starting to bruise, Ben. Did you hit something with
it? Were you unconscious?" She tilted his head so that she could look into
his eyes. 

Ben gazed over at Phil. She leant against the Hetch Hetchy cradling her
hand and stared across the river. Glancing back at Carol, he murmured, "I
must have struck a rock or something. I'm not sure..." 

"It doesn't look bad, Ben. We'll put some ice on it and that should take
care of it. Did you loose consciousness?" she repeated the question as she
again studied his pupils. 

"No, I don't think so, Carol, I was mostly stunned and then Phil grabbed
me and..." his voice trailed off. He certainly didn't want to disclose his
little deception with Phil. Catching hold of Carol's arm, he directed her
attention to Phil. "I think you'd better check Phil's hand. I think she
might have injured it."  

Carol glanced over at Phil and noticed the way she cradled her hand to her
chest. Glancing back at Ben she said, "We'll talk again, Ben." Rising to
her feet she approached Phil. "Phil? Are you all right?" There was no
response. Carol reached out a hand and squeezed Phil's shoulder. Phil
swallowed convulsively before turning to Carol. Carol was surprised to see
the tears streaking Phil's face. "Phil? What happened? Let me take a look
at that hand." She took the hand Phil had cradled and gently massaged it
checking for broken bones. "How did you do this?" With her free hand Phil
wiped the tears from her cheeks. 

"She smashed her hand against a rock." Both women glanced up to see Ben
and several others had joined them. 

"Well. It's not broken. Looks like a mild sprain though, Phil. You'll have
to take it easy for the rest of the trip." She looked at the group
gathered around them. "Okay, everybody, why don't you go and help set up
the fucking camp while I tend to Ben and Phil. I can get this done a lot
quicker if I don't have a bunch of arseholes hanging around."  

Josie rounded up the hangers-on and headed toward where Travis and Terry
were unloading the rafts. "I'll check with you later, Carol," she called
to the trio remaining behind. 

Carol waved then turned to Ben and Phil. She raked her gaze over them then
in a voice full of skepticism asked, "Is that true? About the fucking
rock?" 

Phil nodded her head all the while staring at Ben. "I must've hit a rock,"
she said in a monotone. 

Carol watched the interplay between the two, knowing there was more to the
situation than either one would admit. Removing an elastic bandage from
the first-aid kit, she began wrapping Phil's hand. Glancing up at the duo,
she spoke, "Let me see if I understand you correctly. You hit your hand on
a rock?" A dark eyebrow arched upward. 

Phil nodded once more. Her eyes dropped from Ben's face to Carol's. "I
must've hit a rock." 

Phil's mechanical repetition convinced Carol that something else must have
happened. She glanced at Ben then back at Phil. "Ben? You say you hit your
face on a rock, too?" Ben nodded as well. "Was it, by chance, the same
fucking rock that Phil hit?" Both Phil and Ben turned startled eyes to
regard the woman carefully wrapping Phil's hand. Identical blushes crept
into their faces. 

Carol watched the guilty looks that passed between the two and drew her
own conclusions. It looked to her like the rock Phil had hit was shaped
very much like Ben's jaw and, by the same token, the rock Ben hit must
have been shaped like Phil's hand. This was certainly an interesting
development in this situation. She smiled at the two of them. "Don't
worry. If you want everyone to believe that you hit a rock, that's okay
with me. However, if this happens again I won't be able to fucking cover
for you." 

"It won't happen again, Carol," Ben answered for the both of them. 

"I hope not. I would hope that the two of you could work out your fucking
differences without resorting to violence. Frankly, I'm surprised at you,
Phil. I have never known you to strike anyone." 

Phil bowed her head. "I'm sorry, Carol, I don't know what came over me. I
don't normally react like this." 

Carol lifted an eyebrow and cocked her head. "I seem to recall a story
about how you once broke your fucking hand when you hit someone. All along
I thought that was just an exaggeration, was it?"  

Phil's startled eyes flew to Ben's face. A slow smile spread across Ben's
face. Carol saw everything. 

"Don't tell me. Ben's the bastard you hit?" She closed her eyes and shook
her head. "I would have thought you had learned your lesson, Phil." 

"That's just what I told her," Ben supplied. * * * 

The small group hungrily devoured the dinner of linguini, garlic bread,
shrimp with cocktail sauce, and salad. Carol prepared a delicious carrot
cake for dessert. The talk around dinner and the campfire that night was
lively and many a joking comment was directed at both Ben and Phil. They
took the laughter in stride knowing that it was better for the group to
see the humor in the situation than to know the personal side. 

Ben sat beside Ray with a slightly miffed Mara beside him. All the small
tricks she knew, all the little things that had worked on other men seemed
to have no effect on the handsome man at her side. Even Danny had not
produced the hoped for jealousy in the Mountie. She watched as he stared
holes in Dr. McKenzie. She turned to stare at the woman across from them.
What could Benton possibly see in her? She wasn't all that pretty and she
certainly didn't seem like she wanted anything to do with him. Still, he
seemed attracted to her. Why the hunger in his eyes as he stared across
the fire was enough to cause Mara to fan herself. 

"Are you hot, Ms. Taylor?" Ben turned his solicitous gaze on Mara. 

"Am I ever," she purred. 

"Then, might I suggest that you move a little further away from the fire.
You might find it cooler if you didn't sit so close to the flames." 

"I'm not that kind of hot, Benton." She wrapped her arms around Ben's arm
and snuggled closer to him. She then ran one of her hands suggestively up
and down his thigh and smiled coyly up at him. "Why don't you help me put
out my fire?" 

Comprehension dawned and Benton carefully extracted himself from her
insistent hands. "I'm sorry, Ms. Taylor, but I have no interest in helping
you put out your fire or any thing else you might have." 

Phil watched Mara proposition Ben. She knew what was going on even if she
couldn't hear the words passing between them. She almost laughed when Mara
climbed to her feet and stalked off into the night. Poor Ben, women just
wouldn't leave him alone, even after he had made it abundantly clear he
wasn't interested. But he was interested in her. Why her? What was it that
drew him to her? She knew what drew her to him, but she had never figured
out why Ben had loved her all those years ago. And now...did he still love
her? Her eyes connected with Ben's across the fire and the question burned
between them. Did they still love each other? Could they forget the past
and go on with their lives? Did that life include each other? Did they
want it to? And what about Martin? What was she going to do about her
relationship with him? 

Phil shook free of his glance and stood. It had been a long and harrowing
day and she was tired. "Goodnight, everyone. I'll see you in the morning."


Goodnights followed her to her bed on Carol's raft. Surprisingly, sleep
came quickly--long before the other participants sought their own
bedrolls. * * * 

Ben closed his eyes and listened to the murmur of the river. The coldness
that had eaten at his soul for so long was less invasive tonight. He
actually felt warmer. He smiled and drifted off into a sleep filled with
dreams of love with a dark haired woman whose smile was slightly crooked.
One dream was particularly vivid. He could feel Phil's kisses raining down
on his face and mouth, her tongue plundering the depths of his mouth. He
groaned in pleasure and felt the hand slide beneath his shirt to stroke
the bare flesh of his chest. Desire flared and he returned the kisses 

and stroked the back of the feminine form lying beside him. The hand on
his chest roamed downward, tugging on the waist of his shorts, finally
opening the snap and running the zipper down. The hand delved under the
waistband of his boxers and fondled him. 

"Phil..." he moaned into her hair. 

The hand jerked away from him as did the body beside him. Ben opened his
eyes when the hand slapped his face. He sat up and stared groggily at the
indistinct form beside him. "Phil?" 

"No, damn you, I'm not Phil!" hissed out of the darkness. 

"Ms. Taylor? What...?" Ben stammered in surprise and confusion. It was
hard to release his dreams in the face of this reality. 

"What do you think?"  

His voice carefully neutral, he asked, "What are you doing here?" 

"Nothing...absolutely nothing!" Mara slowly rose to her feet. "I have
never been so humiliated in all my life!" she snarled and, without a
glance at the man she had tried to seduce, disappeared into the dark. 

Ben reflected on what had almost happened. He refastened his shorts then
rolled and gathered his bedroll together. Locating Ray's tent, he quickly
opened it and pushed his bedroll inside. Climbing through the opening, he
zipped the tent door shut then finished spreading his 

bedroll. As quietly as possible he lay down upon it. 

"Huh? Wha..? Benny?" Ray stared sleepily as his partner settled beside
him. 

"Nothing, Ray. Go back to sleep." * * * 

Journal entry: 10 September 1997  

She loves me. I heard her say so. I don't think she realizes just what she
said, but she did say it. At least, I think she said it. My mind is still
a bit fuzzy about what happened. I only know that I felt Phil's mouth on
mine, breathing life into me. I heard her prayers and her declaration of
love. She loves me and I love her. I cannot deny that fact any longer. I
have always loved her and now...now my heart soars. 

Any doubts I might have had have been assuaged. She still wears my ring
(it must be my ring--she said she had worn it for years) about her neck
and I can only come to one conclusion. She loves me. After all this time
and all the pain I caused her, she still loves me. I feel renewed--like a
new person. Phil McKenzie loves me. 

Cat was right all along. If I am bold enough to claim what was mine, I can
finally find peace and happiness in this life. I can move from the
outskirts where I have existed for too long and grasp life and love once
more. I can rid myself of the bitter coldness that has encompassed my soul
and bask once more in Phil's warmth. That is, if I can convince Phil that
I love her more than that other man. I love her and I will never, ever let
her out of my life if she will but give me one more chance. I want that
second chance that Dad mentioned. I want that second chance that Phil
mentioned. I want that second chance with Phil. I must convince her of my
love. If I can't have her, I don't know what will become of me. Maybe the
madness that has hovered on the edges of my sanity will finally claim me.
I only know I cannot exist without that other part of my soul. I must
claim Phil's love again. 

It's ironic. I came on this trip to exorcise Phil's memories from my life.
Now I am invigorated by her presence here with me. I have fallen in love
all over again, not with the Phil I knew so many years ago, but with this
woman I have come to know on this trip. She is much the same woman I knew
12 years ago, but she is also so much more. I only wish I had been with
her to share in the changes that have made her into the woman she is
today. I only wish I had never met Victoria. I pray she will give me the
chance to make it up to her. I love her.  * * * 

To be continued (?) 

***Excerpted from 'First Through the Grand Canyon' by Major 

John Wesley Powell 

  

Copyright October 1997 by Cassandra Hope 

Comments are welcome at baktrak@earthlink.net 

  

Second Chances (Book 3 of the Ben & Phil Saga)	On a Collision
Course--Redux Second Chances A Cop, a Mountie, and a Dory Canyon Interlude
by Carol Trendall Rhyme of a Not-so-Ancient Mariner Down the Valley of the
Shadow The Heart Remembers You Call This Lucky? Ghost of a Chance The Soul
of a Friend 'Spuds' McKenzie A Taste of Paradise Nemesis