Inspired by 'Black' by Sarah McLachlan. Thanx to Mary for the beta
comments, and thanx to everyone who sent me such wonderful feedback ...
since every single one of you cited the line about him, I dedicate Ben's
Teddy to you.	Black	by Megan 'Fishstic' Wilkins	

 Once upon a time, I would wish for something bad to happen to me, just so
I would have a reason to feel sorrow, instead of just feeling a blanket of
guilt. I wanted to feel something so deeply it would overcome me. I'm only
familiar with sad feelings, and so it only makes sense to want to feel
worse. I believed anything to be better than the constant ache of
nothingness inside. 

 When I was very small, I was happy. I'm sure I was sad at times, but I
don't remember them anymore. I remember the way my mother held me, the joy
I felt in her arms, and snuggling up with my teddy bear as I fell asleep. 

 But that all ended when my mother died, my father left me with his
parents, and Grandmother took Teddy away. 

 I didn't know what I had done wrong, just that I had deserved the pain I
felt, and the strong hand with which I was raised, allowing for and
receiving no affection. I guess it was then that the constant guilt inside
of me began. 

 I know now, in my head, that I shouldn't feel this way, but my heart does
not understand. When Victoria came in and out of my life again, it was a
brief freedom from my constant of sorrow, not only while I believed her to
love, but also when I discovered who she truly was. 

 After all, it was still better than the nothingness in which I have
always existed. I felt something, deeply, for the first time in my life. 

 Afterwards, I began to wonder if emotions were as worthwhile as they are
reputed to be. 

 I shut myself off to the world, especially to Ray. Ray represented light,
and even in my decision to shun it, it drew me in, ever so slowly. Before
long, I found myself willingly going towards that light. 

 And in reaching for that light, I have discovered I can never touch it.
There is a darkness in me that swallows it like a black hole, yet I yearn
for the light to reach my soul, to free me from the dark mist that
surrounds it. The only light in my soul is my love for his light, his
essence, his being, but it is a dark, twisted light that he would never
accept once he knew of its existence. 

 He will never accept my love for him. I do truly love him, his purity
that he tries to hide, just as I hide my darkness. But I can never ask it
of him. Not because I am frightened of my love not being returned, but
because I am frightened, if he were to return my love, it would destroy
the light that I so dearly love, tainting it with the blackness that
covers my soul - the blackness that tells me I'm not good enough for
happiness, the blackness that will not let me be happy. I might be able to
break away, but it will find me again. It always has. 

It always will.