This Night Has Opened My Eyes    This Night Has Opened My Eyes by
Innusiq

 Author's disclaimer: Unfortunately, none of these characters are mine but
it's fun to play with them now and again.

 Author's notes: Some (very little) dialogue has used from Victoria's
Secret and Juliet is Bleeding.

  

 This Night Has Opened My Eyes
 by: Jenny Hill 

 ***Prologue 

 I know what he's going through for I have been there as well. The loss of
a loved one, a person who you would give your own life to save but didn't
have the chance. He was just too busy, caught up in the moment of what was
happening around him, there was no protecting her. I wish I could've
gotten there sooner, maybe, just maybe I could've saved her life. He
shouldn't have to go through this. 

 And so, I steered him clear of the press hounds wanting a bite of anyone
they could get their hands on. It's the story of the year and they tend
not to see that someone died senselessly; that someone is hurting whom
needs time and space to heal but I do. I see he needs time and space just
as I did after that night on the train platform with Victoria. Ray
understood that but it was the time and distance that caused the wedge in
our friendship. It was a wedge that remained until this night. 

 I don't know why I allowed the gulf between us to grow. I don't know why
I isolated myself from my best and only friend in Chicago. All I know is
that I had to go, to get away from everything that reminded me of her. I
knew Ray would understand and I also knew he would be hurt but I didn't
care at the time. At that moment, I wanted him to hurt as much as I was
hurting but he could never have understood how I was feeling, until Irene.


 So here we are and amazingly our friendship is stronger than before
either woman re-entered our lives. I am grateful for his friendship. I
don't hate him, I never hated him but we needed the time apart, to sort
through our feelings and come to terms with the errors of our ways. 

 I never should have run after that train. I never should have run towards
her. I don't blame Ray for firing his gun that night; he had every right
to. She was fleeing a murder change just as I was. We were both criminals
that night. Funny thing is I never saw myself as a criminal until my trip
North. I did some thinking and that's when I realized I was in the wrong
that night and Ray was right but how do you apologize for something like
that and expect everything to go back to normal? You can't, so I didn't
until tonight. 

 I know Ray loved this woman, probably as much as I thought I had loved
Victoria. I know how badly he is hurting too. It's like the ground has
been ripped out from under you and you're falling. You're falling so fast
it feels like your heart will explode but it doesn't. It just keeps
pounding and hurting even more. 

 Nothing can take away that kind of pain. There are no words of wisdom I
can offer to comfort him. Only time will heal this wound and I will give
him that time, but not the space because that is what got us here in the
first place, too much space. 

 

 All thought, all movement, everything was in slow motion the moment the
gun discharged. The person running after the train, the trigger man and
the police back up were all effected by the time lapse. It wasn't until
the limp body hit the platform that everyone realized what had happened.
Only then did the speed of events pick up and no matter how fast anyone
moved, it didn't seem to be quick enough. 

 "Oh God," Ray said out loud. He didn't mean to do it. He never meant to
pull the trigger but she had a gun. At least he thought he saw a gun in
her hand and that gun was aimed at his best friend. It was a natural
instinct for him to protect Fraser. That is the only explanation Ray could
come up with as to why he fired his gun. "Oh God, why?" 

 When Ray finally reached Fraser's side, his friend was oblivious to his
presence. That is when the words started flowing as if he was reciting the
alphabet. He was trying to keep a lifeline open but a poem wasn't going to
do it this time. The blood was pooling around the lifeless body and when
eyes finally closed, it was over. Victoria was dead. 

 How long it took for the ambulance to arrive and take her body away,
neither man was really sure. Both were taken back to the station in
separate vehicles and once they all arrived at the precinct, the two best
friends were ushered into separate interrogation rooms to have their
statements taken. 

 In interrogation room number one were Fraser, Detective Huey and
Detective Gardino. Fraser sat at the table looking miserable. His hands
were clasped together tightly in front of him on the table and he was
staring at them. The only thought going through his head was the image of
Victoria's body falling from the train and then the blood flowing from her
body with no end. 

 Even though the Detectives and the Constable had their differences, over
time an admiration grew and all Huey and Gardino could think on this day
was, "poor guy." He had fallen in love with a criminal; a complete
stranger but he didn't see that until it was too late. He thought he knew
what she was like on the inside but he could never know. No one could know
for she was filled with a darkness that couldn't be penetrated. 

 "Do you want a glass of water or something?" Huey asked in an effort to
ease the tension in the room. 

 Fraser flatly answered, "No," and thus the interview began. 

 "Fraser, why were you at the train station this evening?" Gardino asked
as he began the questioning. 

 "I had received information as to Victoria's whereabouts and I went there
to apprehend her." 

 "Fraser, you have no jurisdiction here. What made you think you could do
that?" Gardino asked in a slightly annoyed tone. 

 "I just had to be the one to bring her in . . . Ray was there." Fraser
added the last part as an afterthought. 

 "How did Ray know to be there in the first place?" Huey probed further. 

 "I left him a note." 

 "A note?" Gardino repeated. 

 "Yes." 

 "Fraser . . . where is this note?" Huey sounded irritated by Fraser's
evasiveness but it was just the stress of what all the officers had been
through finally coming to a head. 

 "I left the note on Diefenbaker's cage at the veterinarian's office.
Assuming Ray found it there, since he did show up at the train station,
you will have to inquire upon him as to the whereabouts of the letter." 

 "Can you at least tell us what was written in the letter?" Gardino asked.


 "No . . . it was a confidential letter between Ray and myself. If he
wants you to know . . . you will just have to ask him." 

 Both detectives sat for a few minutes amazed at the detached manner in
which Fraser was answering the questions at hand. Fraser in turn did not
look at either of the men he considered his friends. He sat the entire
time just staring at his hands until the end when he leaned back in his
chair, exhaustion showing on his face and began rubbing his eyes with his
fingertips. 

 In the observation room, Ray stood at the two-way mirror, staring at his
friend but he would not listen in on the interview Fraser was going
through. Or at least he couldn't with his Lieutenant sitting in the
observation room with him. When Fraser rubbed his eyes, Ray knew he was
nearing the breaking point. 

 "Detective . . . are we gonna continue with this or not? It is getting
late and I would like to go home sometime this century." Lt. Welsh and
Elaine Besbriss, one of the 27th Precinct's Civilian Aides, were in the
room with Ray to take his statement. 

 Ray turned and regarded his supervisor and the Civilian Aide with respect
for they were only doing their jobs this night. Ray left his position at
the two-way mirror and took a seat across from his boss and co-worker. He
sat silently, waiting for the questions to begin. 

 "Ray," Lt. Welsh began, "do you know why Constable Fraser was at the
train station tonight?" 

 Ray answered confidently, "To apprehend a criminal sir." 

 "Did he have any prior knowledge of the money and diamonds found at the
scene?" 

 "Not that I'm aware of sir." 

 "How did you know you would find him and the woman there?" 

 Ray swallowed the lump in his throat. "He wrote me a letter sir." 

 "A letter?" 

 "Yes sir, he left a letter on Diefenbaker's cage that informed me of the
situation he found himself in." 

 "And that situation was?" 

 "Bad sir." 

 "You're not gonna tell me what was in the letter, are you?" 

 "I can't sir." 

 Lt. Welsh was looking a bit frazzled by Ray's determination to not say
anything unless directly asked. "And why is that detective?" 

 "I can't remember it clearly," Ray responded. 

 "Ah . . . do you still have this so called letter?" 

 "No sir." 

 "Where is the letter detective?" Lt. Welsh's voice raised enough to put
even the Civilian Aid on edge. 

 "Well sir, you see, I was at the vet's when I was reading it . . ." 

 "And . . . " 

 "Well sir, you know how animals can be." 

 "Animals?" 

 "Yeah, one minute I was reading the letter and the next, some mongrel had
it and was ripping it to shreds," Ray explained nonchalantly. 

 Lt. Welsh knew better than to believe the story being told but the case
at this point was cut and dry. They had caught their criminal and she was
paying the price for the multitude of crimes committed. They had also
retrieved a large portion of the money from the Alaskan robbery. In
addition, all charges would most likely be dropped after the States
Attorney received all the said information. 

 "All right detective, you are dismissed," Lt. Welsh announced marking the
end of the interview. "And Ray, I don't want to see your face around here
for at least a week, do you understand me?" 

 Ray nodded his head as he responded solemnly, "Yes sir." Ray stood up and
turned to look through the two-way mirror into interrogation room number
one. The sight made Ray's stomach drop to his feet. The room was empty. He
turned back around and seeing he had been left alone in the observation
room, Ray rushed out into the corridor to look for Fraser. 

 "Hey Jack," Ray called after the other detective as he entered the squad
room, "Where'd Fraser go?" 

 "He left right after his interview was finished. He didn't look too good
either man. Maybe you should give him a little time to come to terms with
what happened," Huey answered and suggested. He really didn't know what
the best course of action to take with the Mountie was but it was the only
advice he could give. 

 "I can't just leave him Jack . . . I have to talk to him . . . I have to
apologize . . ." 

 Detective Huey cut Ray off by asking, "Do you really think he wants to
hear you apologize for killing the woman he loved?" They were brutal words
but they were the truth and no matter how truthful they were, they hurt
just the same. 

 "Thanks Jack," Ray said sarcastically and he turned to leave his
co-worker's company. 

 "Hey Ray, where are you going?" Elaine questioned as Ray passed her desk
hurriedly. 

 "I'm trying to find Fraser, not that it's any of your business," Ray
snapped at the Civilian Aide. 

 Elaine's eyes widened at the harshness of his tone. "I'll forgive you for
your attitude but only because I know what you're going through." 

 Ray's shoulders slouched at the warning Elaine politely gave him. "I'm
sorry Elaine." 

 "Ray, it's okay, I understand but I just wanted to tell you I heard
Fraser on the pay phone in the hallway before he left. He was talking with
the vet at the emergency clinic. You may want to try there first." Elaine
truly felt sorry for the two men who she considered her dear friends. No
one deserved this kind of pain. 

 Ray brightened a little from the information Elaine gave him. "Thanks
Elaine, you're a peach." Ray leaned over and kissed her on the cheek
before turning and taking his leave. 

 "You're welcome Ray," Elaine called after the retreating detective. "Good
luck." 

 

 All was fairly quiet in the infirmary. Fraser sat next to the cage
Diefenbaker was being kept in and if anyone had known any better, it would
be assumed he was sulking. All the other animals in the room were sleeping
due to the late hour but Diefenbaker was wide-awake, staring at his
companion and waiting. 

 Fraser had been sitting there for a good half-hour before he had the
courage to utter a single word to his friend. "She's dead Dief," he
finally admitted to himself and Diefenbaker. The wolf cocked his head
slightly understanding the words he read. "Ray shot her." Diefenbaker
whimpered at those words. It wasn't because of the fact Ray had shot this
criminal but more for the turmoil he could see in his friend's eyes. "How
could he do it?" 

 "I'm sorry Benny." They were the only words Ray could think of saying as
he stood in the doorway of the infirmary. 

 "Please do not call me that." There was anger in his voice. Fraser was
angry and the one person he wanted to physically take his anger out on was
standing in the room with him but he couldn't do it because that one
person was his best friend. 

 "I'm still am sorry . . . Fraser." Ray couldn't believe one bullet could
cause such a rift between them but it really wasn't the bullet that was
pulling them apart but a woman, who in her death left a darkness behind. 

 "Why are you sorry Ray? You should be happy to be rid of her . . ." 

 Ray had to suppress his own anger at the uncaring words that Fraser was
using. "I'm not happy Fraser, just the opposite." Fraser wouldn't look at
Ray as their conversation unfolded. "How can I be happy? I killed someone
tonight. I killed someone and I've hurt you in the process and that is
something I never wanted to do." 

 Fraser stood and looked at Ray for the first time since he entered the
room. His innocence was gone and in its place, Ray could only describe it
as a darkness. It was her darkness encompassing his soul and it was all
Ray's doing. "We can not discuss this here Ray?" Fraser stated as he
grabbed his leather coat from the chair. "I don't believe this negative
energy is good for the patients here." Fraser exited the room before he
received a response from his friend. 

 Ray stood there for a few moments before he had the strength to follow
Fraser. "I've really done it this time, haven't I Dief?" Diefenbaker just
whined in response, sensing the demise that was about to happen. 

 

 The ride to the apartment was even quieter than a library and the tension
was even thicker than the Mountie's hair. Ray didn't dare say a word. If
anyone was going to start their discussion, it was going to have to be
Fraser. Ray felt he didn't have the right at this point. 

 Upon their arrival, Ray followed Fraser up the stairs to apartment 3J as
reluctantly as Diefenbaker acts on the long walks Fraser insisted he
needed. 

 Once they were both in the apartment, Fraser rounded on Ray and their
discussion began. "How could you do it?" The eyes of a hurt soul bore into
Ray deeper than he ever thought possible. 

 "I was trying to protect you," Ray replied in his defense, not even
understanding himself the events which had taken place that night. 

 "Protect me? Since when did I need protecting from an unarmed woman?" The
words Fraser chose to use were meant to be hurtful and he could see the
pain etched on Ray's face as he spoke them. 

 She may not have been armed with a gun but she was armed with a weapon
more powerful than any firearm honed out of metal. She was armed with the
power of guilt and she was an expert in its use. "I thought she was aiming
a gun at you. I thought she was trying to kill you," Ray protested. "I
thought she was trying to kill you because you were going after her . . .
to stop her." 

 Shaking his head, Fraser began to laugh. "Yes Ray, I was going after her
but I was trying to leave with her." Once again Fraser was trying to hurt
Ray with his words. "But you made the decision to stay or go for me,
didn't you? I had no choice in the matter." 

 Strangely, Ray knew the moment he saw his best friend running after that
train that he was actually trying to go with her and not stop her. "Why?"
It was the only question Ray could ask and it was a multiple question at
that. Why did he want to leave? Why was he letting her go? Why was he
abandoning all the standards he lived by the majority of his life? Why was
he leaving him to take the blame? 

 "I made a mistake ten years ago by turning her in and I couldn't do that
again, not a second time. It nearly killed me the first time. When I let
her get on that train, all I knew was my life would be over if I let her
go again . . . so I ran. I ran to be with her so I would no longer be
alone." Fraser laughed again, rubbing his left eyebrow. "Funning thing is,
I am still alone now, aren't I?" 

 "You're not along Fraser . . . you still have me and my family . . ."
Fraser cut Ray off abruptly. 

 "I am alone Ray." The words sounded so final and they had Ray stunned.
"You made sure I would be alone didn't you? So that I would have no choice
but to stay." 

 "No . . . it wasn't like that Fraser, not at all. You're my best friend .
. . I was only looking out for you. You couldn't see what she was doing to
you . . ." Ray couldn't believe what he was hearing. He was being compared
to Victoria and what she had done to assure that Fraser would flee with
her. 

 "Did you ever stop to think my eyes were wide open and I didn't care? Did
you ever stop to think maybe I knew what I was doing all along?" Fraser
moved towards the kitchen window and it was the first time he realized a
few of the candles were still burning in the apartment. Fraser closed his
eyes and sighed. "You know Ray, I wish I had been a little faster in
running after her." 

 "Why Fraser?" 

 "Because . . . maybe, just maybe I would have been the one you shot and
she would be free now." And it was the truth in Fraser's mind. If Ray had
shot him, she would've been free and safe and Fraser's guilty conscious
would have been alleviated. 

 "No!" Ray exclaimed just thinking about that scenario. He knew if that
had happened, he never would have forgiven himself, never. 

 "So you are glad you shot her." Fraser assumed as he turned to see Ray's
horrified face. 

 "Yes, all right! If you want me to be truthful here . . . if it were a
choice between you or Victoria, and I had it to do all over again, I would
choose her in a heartbeat." But there was more to it than just that. " But
Benny, I didn't have a choice. It just happened and there's no going back.
Truth be told, if I had it to do all over again, which is an impossible
feat, I wouldn't have fired the gun at all." 

 "But you did Ray and now you have to live with the consequences," Fraser
said as he regarded the man he had considered as his best friend. "Just
go." 

 "What?" 

 "Go, get out, leave, I want you to vacate this apartment." Fraser
demanded, clarifying his words more clearly than necessary. 

 "But Benny we . . ." 

 Fraser moved away from the window and approached Ray. "Ray, get out!"
Fraser's voice had increased to a level Ray was not familiar with hearing
from his friend. 

 "But . . ." Before Ray could finish his protest, Fraser grabbed hold of
his arms and shoved him against the door. 

 "I don't want you here anymore, now leave!" Fraser yelled this time and
shoved Ray against the door a second time as he pushed himself away. 

 Ray had to swallow the lump in his throat to say anything, if he could
say anything at all. This side of Fraser scared him and there was nothing
he could do to change what he had done. Ray pulled himself together and
did the only thing he could. Ray left as Fraser had requested. Without a
word of goodbye, Ray exited the apartment for what he could only assume
would be the last time. 

 On his way back to the kitchen window, Fraser forceful knocked down every
candle in his way. His rage was building and he knew of no way to expel
what he was feeling. When he reached to window and looked out, Ray was
just approaching his car. Ray's movements said more than any of his words
had the opportunity to say during their argument. He wasn't walking in his
normal jaunty manner. It was a more slowed and burdensome movement that
was definitely not like someone who was happy with what they had done. 

 Fraser turned his back to the window and observed the state of his
apartment. Leaning against the wall, Fraser slid down to a crouched
position and he began shaking. He knew deep down, that Ray was not to
blame for the events that lead up to and included Victoria's death. She
had done this to him, no, to them. Neither one of them had a choice in the
events that occurred but it's always easier to blame anyone else other
than ones self or the one and only woman you would ever love, especially
when that woman was now dead. 

 

 "Thank you doctor," Fraser said as he shook the veterinarian's hand. 

 It was time for Diefenabker's departure from the emergency vets, which
pleased Fraser and the wolf equally. He had a weeks stay in the place and
like Fraser, hated every minute of it. 

 "Come on Dief, let's go home," Fraser said as he moved to leave the
examining room. Diefenbaker lay on the floor and whimpered. "Diefenbaker,
don't be such a baby . . . you're too soft as it is." Another whimper was
heard. "I am not going to carry you all the back to the apartment and Ray
is not here to spoil you with a free ride so you better get use to it."
Diefenbaker grumbled as he slowly got himself to a standing position.
"Thank you, you will see, the exercise will do wonders for your recovery."
But Diefenbaker highly doubted that. 

 Along the walk home, Fraser continued his normal banter with the wolf.
"Dief, I've been thinking . . . I think you and I need a little vacation .
. . I know you're just recovering but I was thinking about the Territories
. . . " Fraser knew he was running but he didn't care. "I think it will be
good for us . . . don't you agree?" Diefenbaker had no response because he
wasn't looking in Fraser's direction when he spoke. No matter what
Diefenbaker's opinion was, they were leaving anyway, as soon as possible. 

 

 "Hey Ray, have you seen Fraser lately?" Elaine asked as she delivered the
file that he had requested earlier in the day. It had been over a week
since the Civilian Aide had seen hide or tail of the Mountie and that
worried her. Not only had she not see Ray's "shadow," she had also noticed
Ray's attitude deteriorating. 

 "No." It was a short and curt answer giving no details as to what was
going on. 

 "Have you seen him at all since . . . " Elaine trailed her question off,
not wanting to actually mention the night at the train station. 

 "I said I haven't seen him so I haven't seen him, okay?" Ray reached up
and grabbed the file from Elaine's hand. 

 "Don't you think you should at least try and talk to him?" Elaine
suggested in an effort to help. Ray hadn't been himself since that fateful
night. His old, grouchy personality from before the Mountie entered the
picture was surfacing and surfacing fast. 

 Ray looked up at Elaine and tried to smile his thanks for her concern.
"Elaine, he made it pretty clear to me that he doesn't want to see me or
actually have anything to do with me so . . . " 

 "Ray, you're his best friend. You just can't ignore what happened." 

 "I thought we were best friends too but I guess I was wrong." Ray leaned
back in his chair and sighed while he rubbed his eyes with his fingertips.
Elaine took a seat in the guest chair next to Ray's desk. "Do you know
what he told me?" 

 Elaine shook her head and verbally answered with a, "No." 

 "He said he wished I had shot him instead of her, as if that would have
been any easier or better for that matter." She could see Ray didn't
understand the logic of Fraser's thinking. 

 "Ray, maybe it would've been easier for him if it had happened that way .
. . she would be free now . . . it would be like he received some sort of
absolution for the last ten years of her life . . . for turning her in. Do
you understand?" 

 Ray nodded his head wearily as it rested in his hands. "Oh God Elaine . .
. what am I gonna do?" 

 She was shocked that Ray was asking for her advice or maybe just amazed
that he regarded her as a person whom he could trust receiving advice from
when it dealt with the Mountie. In the last year or so that she had known
Fraser as Ray's "unofficial" partner, she was always surprised at how
protective Ray could be of Fraser. Now it was he who Fraser seemed to need
protecting from and Ray was at a loss in regards to dealing with that. 

 "Ray, you need to go and talk to him. You just can't simply ignore what
happened and expect everything to eventually work its way back to normal.
I know you're smart enough to realize that." Ray nodded his buried head
again. "Go talk to him again. At least show him that you're willing to
trying and work through it." 

 Ray lifted his head and his eyes glistened with unshed tears. The sight
nearly broke Elaine's heart. "Go talk to him Ray, it's the only way you're
friendship will make it through this." Elaine stood up and leaned over the
once brash detective and gave him a hug. 

 Ray returned the embrace. "Thanks Elaine." 

 

 Needless to say, when Ray arrived at his best friend's apartment, Fraser
and the wolf were no where to be found and what was more alarming, there
was a note waiting for him on the kitchen counter. It wasn't a sight he
had expected seeing in the spartan apartment and yet he wasn't surprised
by it either. Ray picked the note up and sat down on one of the kitchen
chairs to read it. It was an effort on his part to bring himself to unfold
the paper for he already knew what the letter was going to say. 

 Dear Ray, 

 I'm leaving Chicago, for how long, I know not. I can not stay here and go
on like this, with you, with us. Please forgive me for running but it is
all I know to do now. I need time to think things through, to understand
my feelings. I can't think in this claustrophobic town so I am going home.
I might even try to rebuild my father's cabin; work always helps me think
more clearly. 

 Ray, I have to tell you that I don't blame you for what happened, I can
only blame myself but I can't forgive you at this point either for you had
a choice in what to do that night and you chose to shoot an unarmed woman.
The consequences lay in the wake of that act. As I said before, I just
need time to think. I hope when I return, which I do plan on returning, we
can try and start again but I can't guarantee that either. 

 Benton Fraser 

 And Ray was left alone, to deal with the aftermath of his actions. The
one person he needed to talk to, the one person who knew him better then
he knew himself, the one person who could make sense out of it all had run
away. There was no one left to help Ray. 

 Ray got up from the kitchen table, dropping Fraser's note on the wooden
floor and left the apartment. 

 

 As the weeks passed, Ray became more and more certain that his friend
would never return. He hadn't heard from the Mountie in three months and
there wasn't a day that went by where he didn't think of his best friend
and partner. No matter what happened, Fraser would always be Ray's best
friend because he couldn't think of him as anything less. 

 Also, as the weeks passed, Ray's case record began to slip. It wasn't
that he was a bad detective or that the Mountie was the only reason his
case record had been at an all time high when Victoria died. Ray just
didn't care anymore. In one hand, killing Victoria was a blessing but in
the other hand, a curse. Not only did his case record slip but his
attitude during month number two did as well. His poor attitude garnered
him a week of forced personal leave. 

 Now, after being back a full month, Ray's attitude was at an all time
high or as high as it had been since Fraser's departure. It all began when
the Feds walked into the 27th Precinct on the hunt of an escaped federal
prisoner they had been transporting to testify in a local trial. Needless
to say, this prisoner was no stranger to Ray. He was none other than the
Mountie killer himself Gerrard, who had hired the hit man to kill Fraser's
dad. Ray was determined to find this criminal if it was the last thing he
did. 

 Ray pulled open a file drawer and shoved the next file in from his stack
of case files to be filed. He was busy filing the numerous files Lt. Welsh
was on him to get cleaned up before he was put on "permanent" desk duty
due to his neglect of paperwork. He should have sensed something was amiss
when the usually clamorous squad room quickly hushed. It was so quiet, Ray
could hear the traffic from outside and the windows weren't even open,
causing that to be a hard feat on a normal day. 

 

 It had been far too long since the last time he stepped foot in this
building and the last time was a tragic time. It was the day Victoria had
been killed. Even though he had been here a million times before, it felt
like the first time all over again. And yet here he was, back in Chicago,
back at the 27th precinct, hunting the same man he was hunting nearly two
years ago. 

 When he entered the squad room, every head turned. Everyone who knew him
and those who didn't just stared. Obviously word got around about the
history of the Mountie and the Detective. Fraser had to swallow the lump
in his throat before he could gain the courage to continue on his mission.
No matter how awkward he felt, nothing was going to stop him from getting
his man. As he approached Ray's desk, he couldn't help himself when he
asked, "I'm looking for a Detective Armani?" 

 As Ray closed one file drawer and pulled open the next he heard it, that
silly name being said in a greeting by a familiar voice. Ray froze when
the words penetrated his brain causing a fleeting tremor to travel the
length of his body. He was certain he'd never see this man again and yet
he was standing behind him, calling him by that stupid name. 

 It had been three months since he'd seen Fraser. It had been three long
months. Three months of solving cases on his own (which he wasn't really
that successful at). Three months of spending his off-hours at home. Three
months of isolating himself from the world he had come to know through the
eyes of his best friend. In Fraser's absence, Ray was punishing himself
for the wrong he did but he never really did anything wrong. 

 Fraser stood, stock still, in front of Ray's desk dressed in his brown
uniform, hands clasped behind his back and Stetson in clasped hands. Ray
was speechless when he turned to regard the man that was and always would
be his best friend. He couldn't get a single thought to form in his mind
so Ray just continued staring at Fraser with a look of disbelief on his
face. 

 Fraser knew what was behind this reaction. He didn't deserve to be
welcomed with open arms. He was the one who rejected Ray in the first
place. He had rejected the one person who probably understood why he was
running after Victoria in the first place and probably understood the
reasoning better than Fraser himself. Ray was the one and only person who
could forgive Fraser for such a mistake. But the only reason he was really
there, for now, was Gerrard and he needed Ray's help. In order to break
the ice, Fraser continued with his mission, "Ray, I need your help." 

 It was only natural for Ray to do what he did next and that was to help
Fraser. Ray always helped Fraser, dropping everything he was doing in the
process. The case files could wait until later even if the Lieutenant was
threatening desk duty should they be disregarded. In return, Fraser was
grateful for the offered help, just like the first time around. 

 

 This was maybe his third or fourth visit to the precinct in the two
months after his return from the Territories and somehow he still didn't
feel welcome. He no longer felt welcome in the place that had seemed to
become his home away from home away from home. He had been accepted like a
brother in the company of these fellow law officers and now, they treated
him more like a stranger. The only time he did feel welcome anymore was
when he was in Ray's presence and even then he knew it was an effort on
Ray's part to get that to happen. 

 This trip ended badly though. If before he felt like an outcast, now he
was the devil himself. The looks the other officers and civilian aides
gave him burned through his body like an inferno but it was the look on
Ray's face that told him he may have gone to far. The look and the words
and the tone of hurt in his friend's voice told of the pain he and all the
other officers of the precinct were going through. It was a world of hurt
that could only be soothed by time and time was not of the essence. Fraser
had to do something in order to right the situation even if it meant
stepping on the toes of the good guys. 

 Oddly, the week had begun on a much happier note. Ray had received a
promotion to Detective, First Grade and offered to treat his fellow
friends and co-workers to a dinner. To say Detectives Huey and Gardino
were surprised by his generosity was an understatement. Fraser was equally
surprised that he was still considered part of that grouping of people as
he was also invited to the dinner. 

 The evening didn't end happy though. It ended with a brawl at their
restaurant of choice that led to the death of a fellow friend and officer.
Gardino wasn't the target that evening, it was Ray and yet it really
wasn't Ray that was the target. Ray was chosen as the igniter of a mob war
to over throw Frank Zuko. There was no way of telling Ray or the other
officers the truth of the matter. Everything that had happened was too
close to the surface. Truths didn't matter anymore, just the easing of the
pain and the accusing of the guilty, whether they were the guilty party or
not. Anything to rid themselves of the guilt over the death of their
fellow officer. 

 After giving Frank Zuko the alibi he needed to clear his name and
receiving the scolding of his life, Fraser left the precinct in silence
with the glares that spoke volumes of the anger and hate in that room.
Much of the anger and hate was left over from the Victoria fiasco and this
last act on the Mountie's part in a way cemented the officers' beliefs
that he wasn't on their side at all. Fraser left to quietly and patiently
wait for Ray's enlightenment which he knew would come eventually as it
always did, even if it was he that had to inform him of it. 

 

 "I don't think you want to go in there," Fraser said as he turned Ray
away from the door's leading out of the emergency room and back to a set
of chairs for them to sit down. With enlightenment comes the pain of truth
and with truth comes the pain of loss. Irene was the sacrificial lamb to
this enlightenment. Fraser sat and waited for Ray to speak first for there
was really nothing Fraser could say. 

 "You know the first time I ever danced with her was in P. E. class," Ray
began, tears brimming in his eyes. "She kept trying to lead. I finally had
to ask her to relax, that it would be OK, just put your head on my
shoulder and close your eyes. Everything would be OK . . ." 

 Just by those few words alone, Fraser knew Ray had cared about this woman
very much. Their lives had become so separated in this case, he didn't
have the chance to hear about her until now. No matter how separate their
lives had become they seemed to still live in parallels. Both of them had
lost the loves of their lives or at least they were women whom they
believed were the loves of their lives. In the death of these two women,
they also lost the next most important thing to either of them and that
was their friendship. 

 Fraser nudged a quieted Ray. "Come on Ray, I think we should go." Ray
allowed himself to be led away from the emergency room and the reporters
and the other officers. He was led away from the hurt and the pain and the
loss suffered all in the short span of a couple days. 

 They were both taken back to Fraser's apartment first. As he exited Lt.
Welsh's car, Fraser leaned back in. "Ray, are you going to be all right?"
Ray turned his head to look up at Fraser and nodded, not vocalizing a word
of confirmation. Fraser nodded in response, closed the door and stood at
the curbside until the car was out of sight. 

 Reluctantly, he entered his apartment alone. It wasn't like it was an
oddity, him coming home and spending a solitude evening with the wolf as
his only company. He did that just about every night since arriving in
Chicago and even before that. It was just that tonight he didn't want to
be alone. He didn't want the day to end without the resolve he craved. 

 Sometimes life just doesn't turn out the way you hoped it would and
instead of brooding over it, you just move on. Fraser headed to his closet
and began removing his excess articles of clothing. Once he was down to
his shorts and T-shirt, Fraser closed the closet door, walked over to his
bed and curled up under the covers. If he was lucky, tonight would be a
restful night, one without dreams and nightmares. 

 

 All was quiet inside as he slowly opened the door. He didn't even know if
he would be welcome there but he entered the darkened apartment anyway. As
the door closed, a cautious wolf greeted Ray. He knelt down to accept
Diefenbaker's greeting, even accepting the affectionate drool laden kisses
offered. "Thanks Dief." Ray stood back up and approached the narrow bed
that his best friend was laying on. It was odd to be standing in the
presence of his friend and to have Fraser not be aware of him. 

 It was the case that did this. No, not just the case but the strain their
friendship had gone through caused by the deaths of Detective Gardino and
Irene Zuko. Actually, this strain began months prior to this case with the
death of Victoria. So much had happened between them it was like a soap
opera come to life. Before these last couple months, Ray believed no one
ever experienced that kind of drama in real life but now he knew
differently. Ray lightly sat down on the edge of Fraser's bed and that
slight movement caused his best friend to stir. 

 "Ray?" Fraser called out as he could barely make out the silhouette of
his friend in the darkness. 

 Ray didn't move or respond immediately. He just sat still; waiting for
the right words that needed to be said to form in his mind. They weren't
coming easy. "I'm so sorry Benny . . ." Those were the only words Ray
could get out before his pent up grief got the better of him and he leaned
forward, catching his face in his hands as he began sobbing. 

 Ray looked like he was doubled over in pain and that kind of anguish had
Fraser sitting up in a flash and pulling his best friend into an embrace.
It was an act that rarely happened between the two of them. They had
affectionately touched each other, more on Ray's part then Fraser's but
hugging; it was a rare occurrence that didn't make much sense to Fraser.
They were best friends, almost brothers and yet they never really allowed
themselves this kind of feeling; the showing of affection Fraser witnessed
repeatedly between Ray and his sisters, brother-in-law, mother, nieces and
nephews. "Ray, it is going to be all right, trust me." 

 Ray tightened his hold on Fraser that was accompanied by the intake of a
shuttering breath. Fraser had never witnessed Ray being so needy or
helpless before. All Ray could do was repeat his apology. "Benny, I'm so
sorry." 

 "Shhh, Ray, there is nothing you should feel sorry for." No matter how
betrayed or abandoned Fraser felt earlier he couldn't hold such a grudge
over his friend for he knew what Ray was going through. It was the same
thing he himself had gone through the night Victoria died. He knew Ray
never meant the words he spoke or believed that Fraser was on Zuko's side.
Ray was hurting when he spoke those words and when a person is hurting it
is easier to blame than take responsibility. Ray pulled out of their
embrace and just stared at Fraser. "What is it Ray?" 

 "How can you say that and mean it?" Ray asked. 

 "Say what Ray?" 

 Ray stood up wearily and began pacing. "That I have nothing to be sorry
for. I have everything to be sorry for Fraser. I abandoned you. I betrayed
you. I didn't trust you. What kind of friend does that make me? What kind
of person does that?" 

 Fraser moved to sit on the edge of his bed and responded, "Ray, your
reactions weren't any different than my own only months ago." 

 Ray stopped pacing and turned to face his friend and apologized one more
time. "Oh God Benny, I'm so sorry." The trembling had returned and Ray
nearly lost his balance but an agile Mountie caught him before he fell. 

 Fraser led Ray back to his bed, sat him down and began speaking of the
incident he had avoided the topic of since he returned from the
Territories. "Ray, I don't blame you for Victoria's death. I don't think I
ever did. I just took my anger out on you. I was so angry then. I was
angry with her for what she did and I was angry with myself for what I let
her do and I was angry at you for . . . well for how it ended and yet it
really wasn't you." Fraser felt he wasn't making any sense and began
pacing, trying to think how better to say what he was feeling. 

 "You're my best friend Ray; you have been since we met and always will
be. I didn't have the right to blame you for Victoria's death but it was
easier to blame you than the person I thought I loved." Fraser stopped to
look at Ray in order to get a reading on his reaction. There was none. "It
wasn't right of me but I was hurting . . . I don't think I had ever been
in so much pain . . . not even when my mother died. I can barely remember
when my mother died . . ." 

 "When I left Chicago, it only made things worse because the one person
who I confided in, the one person who knew me about as well as I know
myself, the one person who could make my world right again . . . I had
left in Chicago. I was running from you when I needed you the most." 

 "God Benny, can we ever get passed this?" There was despair in Ray's
voice; it was a sound Fraser wasn't accustomed to hearing from his friend.


 "I believe so Ray . . . I mean up until this week, I thought we were
making good progress towards that, don't you?" 

 Ray nodded his head as he looked up at Fraser. "I think so." 

 Fraser nodded his head in return and offered a smile. "I think so too." 

 In that one smile, Ray knew everything was going to be all right. It was
the one thing he had hoped for since the night he killed Victoria; that
Fraser would forgive him and everything would be all right. "I better go,"
Ray said as he stood up and walked towards the door. 

 "Ray, how did you get here anyway?" Fraser asked. 

 Ray stopped, his hand was on the doorknob and ready to turn it when
Fraser asked his question. "I was heading home but I had Lt. Welsh bring
me back here . . . I couldn't go home . . . I didn't want to explain what
had happened . . . not yet . . ." 

 "Then how do you plan on getting home now?" 

 Ray didn't have an answer. It was out of habit that he always had a means
of transportation. Even in the last couple days of not having the Riv, it
was a hard habit to break. He released his hold on the door as his
shoulders slouched forward and he began crying for the second time that
evening. 

 And for the second time that evening, Fraser approached his best friend
and pulled him into a loving embrace that any brother would offer another.
When his sobbing subsided, Fraser led Ray back to his bed. "Ray, you can
stay here for the night, I don't mind. I know it's not much but it is all
I have to offer." 

 Ray sat down on the offered bed as Fraser knelt in front of him and began
removing his shoes. "Thanks Benny." Once his shoes were off, Ray handed
Fraser his wallet and keys and he reclined on the bed as Fraser pulled the
cover's up over his body. It wasn't the most comfortable bed; didn't
compare to Ray's own bed back at the Vecchio home but he felt safe in its
confines. 

 Once Ray was settled and nearly asleep, Fraser turned and headed towards
the closet to retrieve his bedroll. Halfway to the closet, he tripped over
an animate, white, furry object. "Dief . . ." Fraser called out into the
darkness. In order to catch himself from completely falling, Ray's wallet
and keys when flying as he grabbed hold of the room divider. "Maybe next
time you could tell a body you're moving," Fraser scolded. 

 Diefenbaker made not acknowledgement of the words his companion spoke and
just continued on his way. 

 Fraser entered the kitchen area and turned on the light in order to find
Ray's discarded belongings. The keys were found first and then the wallet.
When he approached the wallet, portions of its contents were laying on the
floor. Fraser gathered the pile up and placed the heap on the kitchen
table. He was surprised by the amount of things that were actually held in
the wallet. 

 As he began perusing through the items in an effort to replace them in
the proper compartments, he found one item that had him perplexed. It was
a slightly worn piece of paper that was folded into eight squares. It was
obvious the paper had been folded and unfolded many times and so, one more
time, Fraser decided, wouldn't hurt. 

 Fraser opened the paper and was surprised by what he found. It was a
letter, written in his own handwriting and as he read it, he became
dismayed with himself for his actions that followed the composition of
that letter had contradicted his words. 

 Ray~ 

 I don't know how this is going to end. She had told me once there were
only two ways her relationship with Jolly could end and one of them was
with her dead. I think my connection with Victoria is the same. If we both
survive this - we will never be rid of each other. Our connection is too
strong to allow it. 

 I'm going after her. It's my duty, as it was ten years ago, to bring her
in. I owe it to myself and mostly, I owe it to you. I don't care so much
about what she has done to my career or my character but the idea that she
has tarnished your name - all just to get to me - I can never forgive her
or myself. 

 I've had to do things Ray, things for her - because of her - that any
Mountie would be ashamed of. I've inadvertently helped her murder her
accomplice. I've put your life in jeopardy and who knows what else. What
more do you want to hear? I don't think it is over yet either. There's
something more she wants from me but as of now I'm at a loss as to what
that something is. 

 She's hid the money at the train station, I believe that is where she is
headed. She hid it there and was planning on setting you up to take the
fall but I stopped that from happening. I'm so sorry about your house. I
should never have introduced you to her. I knew there was a darkness in
her from our first encounter - I don't know how it is that I thought it
wouldn't still be there. 

 Ray, I'm sorry for what has happened and for what is about to happen. I
don't even know what will happen when I find her but I do know that it
can't be good if the events that have led to this point are any
indication. 

 I hope you will be able to forgive me for what I've done. I never meant
to cause you any trouble or pain yet I have. You are the only person whom
I care about in my life (other than your family) but I care about them
because of you. You are my family and I have been grateful for your
friendship. I hope there still is a friendship when all is said and done. 

 Ben 

 Fraser rubbed his eyes then folded the letter up carefully and placed it
back inside the wallet. He had meant every word written on that one piece
of paper but when the shot rang out and the woman he thought he loved and
thought loved him died, the letter didn't exist anymore. Reading it this
night brought back the emotions he felt before he went running after
Victoria and reminded him of the best friendship he ever had. 

 Fraser stood up and headed back to the closet and retrieved his bedroll.
He didn't mind sleeping on the floor; he did it regularly enough when he
didn't have company but tonight he did have company. He had the company of
his best friend and his world finally seemed complete. This was how it was
suppose to be. When the pieces of one's life were scattered on the floor,
the other is there to pick them up and put them back together. When Fraser
returned to the bedside to prepare his bedding, he found Diefenbaker lying
next to Ray with Ray's arm wrapped around him. They were once again a
family. 

 ***Epilogue 

 How is it that I am here? Not only am I here but I'm handing out hundreds
of dollars to perfect strangers just so they will listen to the most
annoying man in the world quote the story of his life in order to save his
rat trap of an apartment building. That damn place isn't even worth the
amount of money I am handing out so why am I doing it? Well, it's pretty
simple actually. I simply owe the guy that much if not more. 

 Oh sure, you would never hear him calling in a debt like that. He would
never demand such a repayment. What I'm doing now wouldn't even cover what
I owe him but I will keep giving until it hurts, until it hurts as much as
it did that fateful night on the train platform. That night began and
ended with a single bullet, a bullet I never meant to discharge but did. I
can't take it back now. All I can do is give until my guilty conscious is
appeased which will never be. 

 Funny thing is he probably thinks we are "even Steven" after what
happened to Irene. Sad thing is, this had nothing to do with either Irene
or Victoria yet it had everything to do with them. They were the sparks
that set this whole thing ablaze. 

 In a way, they saved our friendship. I think if it hadn't been for the
sacrifice of Victoria, we would've continued on the path we were walking,
slowly being drawn apart without even realizing it. But this way, well,
this way we were pulled apart so dramatically we were left hating and
floundering for comfort yet there was no one there to comfort us. We had
relied upon each other so much in the short time we had known each other
that when we needed comforting from ourselves, there was no one to give
it. 

 I think Benny managed his way through our separation better then I did
but then again, you can never really be sure with Benny. He keeps his
feelings so bottled up it's almost scary where me, well, if you're in my
path and I'm in a mood, ya better watch out. I lashed out at anyone within
shouting distance, it was ridiculous. Even my friends at the precinct were
beginning to worry about me but they knew what was wrong. Everyone knew
what was wrong. I mean, when you're use to seeing someone everyday and
that person stops coming around, ya tend to notice. Especially when that
person is usually in a bright red "hey everybody I'm here" uniform. 

 I don't hate him. I never hated him. We're just so different even I
wonder why we're friends. I use the stairs and he jumps out of windows. I
let the lab boys do their job and he licks things. I like basketball and
he likes hockey. I'd rather watch the T. V. and he'd rather read a book.
We're like water and oil but there's something there that just makes it
work. We complete each other and that's the only explanation I can offer. 

 The End