When Will Those Dark Clouds Disappear?  WHEN WILL THOSE DARK CLOUDS
DISAPPEAR? Friend, lover, wife... how those last two happened still amazed
her. She'd known Ray since they were kids in the neighborhood; had hung
out on occassion with his sisters Maria and Francesca; and had been a
close friend of Irene Zuko since as far back as she could remember.
Irene... that's where her history with Ray really stemmed back to and how
she wound up where she did - married as Angela Sophia Vecchio and divorced
back to Angela Sophia Testarosa. Seeing Ray at the garage today brought
back some bittersweet memories along with an overwhelming desire to
rummage through the attic. She still loved him, probably always would, but
thought she could never be the one he really wanted. She figured she'd
always be... second best. Angie sorted through an old cardboard box full
of memories that were treasures to perhaps no one but herself; special
markers of certain moments in her life. Pulling out a worn out strip of
pictures she smiled to herself remembering. It was taken at a carnival
Irene, Ray and herself had gone to, around Ray and Irene's fourth date.
Irene had known Angie wanted to go to the carnival, and had wanted her
there too, insisting she join herself and Ray. They had a ball that night,
he'd won them both stuffed animals at the target shoot and as a joke she'd
won him one too. The picture was taken in one of those cramped
do-it-yourself photo booths and they'd done the typical silly picture
poses. She'd always loved these pictures of childhood fun and innocence.
She recalled now when it was she realized she started to fall for Ray.
They'd just entered gym class and she'd been rudely bumped into by Tony
Scarpaci causing her to stumble and almost fall. A strong hand caught her
and an arm went around her waist to steady her. "Whoa. You ok?" She had
managed a smile as she gained her balance again. "Yeah. Thanks." Then her
protector was taking off after Tony as if he had a mission. She saw him
purposely bump into Tony hard enough he probably left a bruise. "Tony
didn't you see Angie there? Ya almost knocked her over man. Apologize to
her." Tony looked angrily over at him, then at Angie. "Vecchio what's it
to you? She was in my way." Ray didn't back down. "You're a neanderthal
Tony. In case you hadn't noticed she's a girl. You should treat her better
than that." Tony laughed. "Oh come on Ray. Its Angie for chrissake. She's
like one of the guys." That last part kind of hurt, but kind of didn't.
She'd always been a tomboy. Growing up as the only girl in her family with
4 brothers had its advantages and disadvantages with the guys around her
age. But at 14 she was starting to be interested in boys for other reasons
now than to just play basketball or go fishing with. Maybe a year ago that
was fine, but now things were changing; she was changing. She was glad Ray
noticed the difference and liked his attention. It surprised her when Ray
finally convinced Tony to come over to her. It was kind of awkward, but
she appreciated the consideration. He said it in a voice that was half-
sincere, but it was better than nothing she supposed. "Vecchio seems to
think I owe you an apology. So here it is. Sorry." She responded friendly
and teasing. "Thanks. Tony you're as graceful and as eloquent as ever. I'm
just gonna have to kick your butt at basketball today to retaliate." They
laughed and he left her then, glaring over at Ray. Class was starting and
her friend Irene - who'd just come back into town recently from an all
girls boarding school in Switzerland - was signalling her to come stand
next to her. They'd been close friends since elementary school, before
Irene and Angie's families moved to this neighborhood. "What was all that
about Ange?" Angie smiled smugly. "Just 2 guys fighting over me." Irene
smiled back. "That skinny dark haired guy sure is cute. You got an eye on
him Ange? I saw the way you were checkin' him out." Angie uncomfortable
with this line of questioning blushed. "Naw. Not interested", she lied to
herself and her friend. Irene looked pleased and relieved at that. "Oh
good, then we can change places. I want to be his dance partner." Angie
noticed that Irene was right, the way the line was set up Ray was going to
be the one Angie ended up with. *Damn, that'll mean I'm stuck with Dougie
O'Donell.* she thought to herself, but she'd already stupidly admitted to
her best friend that she wasn't interested in Ray and felt obliged to step
out of the way. "Sure Irene." When she noticed the set up again, she
realized that the guys line had shifted and Irene was actually going to be
matched with Tommy Fortuna, that pleased her until she noticed Ray whisper
something to Tommy and the line shifted again so he'd be Irene's partner
again. Mistake number one was made that day. Angie often wondered what
would have happened if she hadn't given up her dance with Ray to Irene.
Would Ray and Irene still have gotten together if they hadn't been
partnered up to dance? Would Ray have felt the way he did for Irene after
that dance towards herself instead? This line of questioning always drove
her crazy and she hated thinking about it.
******************************** There was a shoebox full of short and
some long notes she'd saved which had been passed to her from Irene in
their classes over the years. She only kept some of them. Reading through
a few of them now she couldn't help but laugh at how young and naive they
sounded to an adult. The troubles of their youth had seemed so big and
every little thing was a major crisis and reflecting on it now most of it
was so inconsequential compared to the worries that found them in
adulthood. Angie, as Irene's friend and confidante, was privy to all sorts
of secrets and confidences in these notes about Irene and Ray's
relationship after that fateful day in gym class. In the time after that
she'd become a good friend to Ray as well. She was surprised that she had
forgotten that there were a couple of notes from Ray to her in this
shoebox too. They were really funny and good naturedly teasing; sometimes
asking if she wanted to make a bet on some basketball game or another or
commentary about it, but a few of the notes were warnings done WANTED
poster style about some guy or another Irene felt compelled to matchmake
Angie up with so she could double date with them. Sometimes match-making
her up to some friend of Ray's. Angie would give these dates of her's a
rating afterwards and a nickname to the amusement of her friends. Angie
adored her two friends and they enjoyed hanging out together, but there
were always those times when she felt like a third wheel, when friendship
would take a backseat to Irene and Ray's romance. Oh they were considerate
and polite towards her at those times, but she could take a hint well and
knew when it was time for her to step out of the picture. When Irene's
brother Frankie and Ray had a falling out over what happened to poor Marco
Matrani, Angie had been terribly worried about Irene. The incident had
really hurt Ray and Irene's relationship, not that they didn't still love
each other, but their love was definitely being put to a test. They tried
to continue dating, but Frankie made it hard for them. Shortly after the
incident they split up and Angie was the one Irene turned to for a
shoulder to cry on. After a while she was also the one that Ray would seek
out to ask after Irene. He still loved her and she could tell he was
miserable too. Somehow it gradually came to be that she was the
go-between, sending messages back and forth from one of them to the other,
until eventually they were seeing each other again, but this time
secretly. Often times Angie would have to cover for Irene when she'd tell
her parents she was with Angie when she was actually out with Ray. It was
a strange position to be in, but she endured it for the sake of her two
closest friends. The relationship between Ray and Irene was tested yet
again, when they were all around eighteen. Frankie had been pressuring
Irene to date a friend of his, who was the son of one of Zuko senior's
more powerful 'business' associates. Irene didn't really want to get
involved with the guy, but didn't know how to back out of the first
arranged date, seeing as to everyone other than Angie and Ray she wasn't
dating anyone anyway. Irene held off as long as she could, but finally the
date with the guy happened. With the first date she was forced into other
situations that ended up where she was trapped into another date with him.
He'd really taken to her, but Irene wasn't that crazy about him. Irene had
really damaged her relationship to Ray by the time the third date came
about. It caused a major fight between the two lovers and succeeded in
splitting them up again when Ray had given her an ultimatum: It was either
him or her family. He forced her to choose and in Irene's fear of her
family she chose them over the man she loved.
******************************** A book of poetry Irene had given her as
part of a wedding thank-you gift with a couple of old pressed flowers in
it, came out of the box now. The book had a touching dedication to her
written by Irene and was followed by page numbers Irene had wanted her to
see. At these pages Irene had highlighted lines in the poems which dealt
with friendship. Thinking about her recently deceased friend made the
words in the book blur in and out of focus, until she finally made herself
stop reading and close the book, wiping at teary eyes she put it down. The
pressed flowers from her maid-of- honor's bouquet reminded her of mistake
number two, which happened the day of Irene's wedding to the man Angie
sarcastically named "the weasel". Poor Irene had been roped into a pretty
much arranged marriage that pleased everyone in her family - especially
Irene's father and Frankie - except the bride-to-be. Angie as Irene's
maid-of-honor did her duty by trying to cheer up the depressed bride.
She'd taken Irene out for a wild night before the wedding. They'd gone out
on the town and gotten drunk, suffering with the hangovers the day of the
wedding. While driving around the night before, Angie had joked with an
edge of seriousness, by every now and again singing to Irene parts of the
song 'ROUTE 66' - "TAKE THE HIGHWAY, THAT'S MY WAY, THAT'S THE BEST. GET
YOUR KICKS ON ROUTE 66." - They'd had to take this highway to go to one of
the clubs she'd heard about outside of the city. Angie offered to keep
driving along this 2000 mile stretch of highway - which started in Chicago
and ended in LA - until they were out of state and far from Irene's
family. Unfortunately Irene didn't take the advice of herself and the
song, instead ending up going the wrong way; married to someone she really
didn't love, for political 'family business' reasons that were beyond her.
At the wedding reception Angie had had a few drinks that made her feel
kind of funny so she excused herself early. That's when she ran into a
depressed Ray, who had been hanging out in the bar of the hotel the
reception was in. He was trying to drink away his sorrow at losing Irene
to another man. Angie hadn't seen him in a long time, knowing he'd gone to
the Police Academy for a while and had become a cop... a rookie. Irene
used to tease her about how much alike Angie and Ray were. Besides them
both being close to Irene; being the eldest children in their
Italian-American families; always joking around and sarcastic; good target
shooters and having a love of basketball and sports; wanting to be a cop
was something else they had in common. Angie's parents didn't know it yet,
but she had decided to quit with just her associates degree in college to
accept enrollment, which she'd recently applied for, in the Police
Academy. It had always been a dream of her's to be a police officer. She
and Ray had talked about it a few times and he'd been one of the only
one's of her friends and family to actually encourage and support her
desire to do so. Seeing him again, there at the bar, she found herself
still attracted to him since that day in gym class. She'd always tried,
and thought she'd succeeded, to keep this knowledge buried, never acting
on it out of respect and love for Irene, but now was a different story.
Irene had made her choice and cast him away for the man in the other room,
her new husband. That meant Ray was fair game now she figured in her half
fuzzy state of mind. She crossed the bar and sat on the stool next to him.
"Hi Ray. You don't deserve to be treated like this. Why're you torturing
yourself by stickin' 'round here?" Ray turned sad expressive eyes to her,
which she could feel piercing her heart, so that she just wanted to hold
him and make things alright again. "My life's over Ange. I can't believe
it. If I hadn't come here today, I wouldn't have believed it. She really
married him didn't she? It should be me in there. How'd it happen? Oh god
it hurts so much." The eyes were what always did it to her. Those eyes
that could say so much without saying a word. Right now he was looking to
her as an anchor for one so lost; so forlorn; so adrift. Her heart went
out to him and she joined him in his misery at Irene's folly, trying to
comfort him as best she could. A couple of hours and drinks later she
found herself comforting him in a way she never would have thought
possible for the two of them. She recalled thinking back then *Irene had
her chance and blew it. This is my turn to dance. I'm not gonna stand
aside again.* Instead of Ray having Irene on her wedding night he had
Angie. He became her lover then and it felt so right to her; she wanted
him so badly and finally admitted to herself she loved him. If only she
could believe that he could ever love her the way he loved Irene in
return; that night she thought he could. ********************************
Next to come out of the cardboard box was an old velvet jewelry box, which
was empty when she opened it. She knew it would be, the ring that had once
been in here was long gone, but she felt compelled to open anyway. Seeing
the ghost of the ring there in her mind's eye, she tried to recapture the
moment she'd opened it for the first time. Mistake number three happened
when she fooled herself into thinking he was wholly her's now, after that
night they'd made passionate love to one another. They'd seen each other
off and on after that, more off than on. His job as a police rookie had
him working odd-ball hours and her wrapping up her semester at college in
anticipation of her enrollment in the Police Academy in the fall had her
busy as well. This new stage of their relationship was strained already
and hadn't really gotten too far off the ground yet, but she believed it
could work if they just found the time to make it happen. It wasn't too
much later that she found out that she was pregnant with Ray's child. She
was worried, frightened and confused. Afraid of what Ray's reaction would
be to this news, she kept it to herself for a while, but knew she'd have
to tell him soon. She was a little over two months pregnant and decided
that Ray should be told. He'd had a day off and come by the house to take
her out. On the ride over to a restaurant she'd asked him to take a detour
to the park, because she needed to talk to him somewhere private and
quiet. He'd done as she wished, but looked worried and concerned the whole
time and then parked. "What's wrong Angie? Are you gonna dump me?" She was
startled by this and said sadly, but reassuringly. "Oh no, no. But you may
want to dump me when you hear what I have to say." He took her hand in
his, staring her straight in the eyes as he brushed his other hand lightly
down her cheek. "Talk to me Angie. I know I can be hard to talk to
sometimes, but I'm here now and I'm listening." Her eyes started to get
watery and she managed to choke out. "I'm pregnant Ray. Over two months
now." The reaction she'd gotten was of stunned silence and surprised eyes,
before he could say anything, she was rushing out the words, "I've
considered abortion, but I don't..." Ray's face took on another look, this
one of fear and he wouldn't let her finish. "Oh god no. Please no. I want
our child Angie and I want you. You and the kid'll have to live off my
rookie's salary; I can barely afford a place for us; it'll be tight, but
I'd rather take on extra hours or an extra job, than lose either of you.
Angie, I love you. Marry me." It was her turn to be stunned, she hadn't
really expected him to offer her a marriage proposal, actually she wasn't
sure what she expected. She was overwhelmed by his touching acceptance of
this child, the lifestyle changes for them both and his telling her he
loved *her*. She didn't respond to him right away and the worried pleading
look he was giving her let her know he was sincere and this proposal was
for real. "I'll get down on my knees if you want me to, but its kind of
hard in this car. Will you marry me Ange? Please say yes. I want to share
my life with you and I want to be there as a father to my children." She
smiled at him then and laughed. "Yes I'll marry you Ray. But there's a few
things we have to work out before then. Like I haven't had the first one
yet... What's this 'children' talk?" The smile he gave her at this
response was the most beautiful she'd ever seen before. "Oh come on Ange,
you wouldn't deny junior a sibling or two or three or four, would ya? We
don't want the kid gettin' lonely. And just think of all the fun we'll
have makin' them." She was laughing with him and soon was wrapped in the
loving warmth of his arms, with his mouth enthusiastically working at
her's. She shuddered pleasurably at the feel of one of his hands on her
back sliding slowly down, then tugging at and freeing the tail of her
blouse, teasingly now it was underneath her clothing, working its way
towards the front of her, finally stopping at her stomach to rest its
warmth there, trapped between the waist band of her pants and her flesh.
She hadn't seen much of Irene since her marriage to 'the weasel', although
they had spoken on the phone at least once a week or every other week
since then. She had mentioned to Irene that she was seeing someone, but
didn't say who it was. Now that she was engaged to be married to Ray, she
felt she really needed to see Irene and tell her before she heard it
through someone else. She wasn't going to tell her about the baby, just
that Ray and she were engaged to be married. She'd see how it went from
there and if it went well then she'd consider telling her about the baby
too. They had met at a favorite restaurant and the visit began pleasantly
enough as they caught each other up on friends and family gossip. Then
Irene talked about her unhappy marriage and that she still had a hard time
believing she married the guy and would have liked to divorce him, but now
she was pregnant and was really trapped by her stupidity. When she had
told Angie that she started to cry. "Oh Angie, I've really made a mess of
things. Why couldn't I stand up to my family and choose Ray? He's the one
I want to be married to and having children with. I'm such a coward. I'm
so stupid. Ray must hate me for what I've done." Angie felt terrible and
was afraid now to tell her depressed friend anything more to hurt her. How
could she say to her that the man Irene wanted was now Angie's and was the
father of the child growing within her? She felt like a traitor at having
the life Irene wanted and being the happiest she could ever remember while
her friend was at her most miserable. She tried to console her friend as
best she could with soothing words and comforting touches and looks. After
a little while Irene had regained her composure and forced a smile.
"Angie, I don't know what I'd do without you. You're such a good friend.
Here I am blubbering away and we came here so you could tell me something
important. Its something to do with that boyfriend of your's isn't it?
Come on tell me. I need to hear something good is happening in this world.
It'll cheer me up." Angie was debating with herself what and how much to
share with Irene of the truth. She took a quick breath and then began.
"Well it does involve my boyfriend. We're engaged to be married within two
months." At that an excited Irene grabbed Angie's hand, "I thought so.",
she smiled smugly as she examined and admired the engagement ring on
Angie's finger. "I'm so happy for you. When do I get to meet this mystery
man of your's? You know you never even told me his name. I thought it was
because he might have been married or something and you were protecting
him. But fess up, is it anyone I know?" Angie was relieved when the waiter
came by with their orders and she changed the topic expertly to distract
Irene from her line of questioning. Angie managed to work the conversation
back to Irene's life instead of her own. Asking questions about Irene's
impending motherhood, which was a topic that her friend was very willing
to talk about. Irene had always told her that she wanted children, a big
family, and although she didn't really love the father of the child within
her, she loved the baby already. Angie was secretly pleased that Irene and
she were going through pregnancy around the same time, she hoped Irene
would remain her friend even when she found out about herself and Ray. She
also wished that their children could be friends. She managed to make it
through lunch telling Irene only as much as she felt she could handle
right then, nothing more as to Ray and their baby. She promised herself
she'd tell Irene the rest of the story when she called her next. But the
next day the phone call came from Irene and she didn't sound happy at all.
"Angie, I thought you were my friend? What's this I hear about you and
Ray? How long has this been going on? I can't believe you could do this to
me." Angie felt terrible for not having told her friend before she could
hear it from someone else. "Irene, I wanted to tell you. I tried to tell
you, but you were so depressed yesterday at lunch. And hey don't get high
and mighty with me Irene Zuko 'Terranova' you're forgettin' somethin' very
important here. You're the one who threw Ray away and married 'the
weasel'. I'm sorry, but we do love each other Irene and we're going to
have a baby." She could hear a sobbing Irene on the other end of the
phone, then the line went dead. Ray chose that moment to come over and saw
her crying, immediately his arms went around her from behind. "Mi cuore,
what's wrong?" She lied, not wanting to mention Irene to him. "Nothin'.
Just some annoying pregnancy hormones kickin' in. I'll be ok in a minute."
and she turned into his embrace for comfort as she cried on his shoulder
for the loss of a dear friend. ******************************** There was
an addressed wedding invitation still sealed with a stamp on it sitting
inside the cardboard box. This was one she'd made out to Irene, never
intending to send it, but it made her feel better to have one. She'd
wished Irene would have been her matron-of-honor but Maria, Ray's sister,
substituted for her in that position instead. Her gown had been refitted
the week before the wedding to accomodate the slight bulge that was
showing her pregnancy which was at 4 months now. They'd had some trouble
with almost every aspect of putting their wedding together, but both her
family and Ray's had been supportive and helped share some of the stress
and pressure of getting this organized on short notice. Angie recalled how
surprised she was at both of their family's reactions to and acceptances
of them getting married and her pregnancy. It didn't seem to surprise
anyone, many saying that they felt it was meant to be and surprised it
didn't happen sooner. They all knew that she and Ray had been good
friend's most of their lives, and seemed to think they were well matched
to each other. Everyone they knew seemed genuinely happy for them... well
everyone except Irene. The actual wedding day itself went off without a
hitch thanks to the sincere and helpful efforts of their friends and
family, who wanted to make this day special for them. Their marriage
ceremony and reception was a smaller affair than what she had envisioned
it might have been if they hadn't rushed it. Definitely much less upscale
than Irene's had been, but it had something Irene's never had despite its
lavish trappings... Angie would always remember that their's had a genuine
warmth and loving atmosphere to it. Angie's parents had given them as a
wedding present a honeymoon in Niagara Falls, Ontario Canada. After their
divorce Angie still saw Maria and Francesca on occassion, both had told
her about Ray's 'famous' mountie friend Fraser and today she'd gotten to
see him for herself. She chuckled to herself, remembering Ray's reaction
to a mountie they'd seen when they'd been on their honeymoon. He'd laughed
as he told her. "They ever make me wear a uniform like that in the PD,
shoot me Ange." She teased him. 'Oh I don't know Ray. I think its kind of
sexy. I bet you'd look handsome in a uniform like that, but then again red
probably isn't your color. Hmmm... do they come in green?" He'd joked
back. "Sexy hunh? Do you think he'd let me borrow it for the night?" She
had a devilish gleam in her eye. "Oh I don't think you'll be needing a
uniform for what I've got in mind." He smiled back liking what he was
hearing. "Why Mrs. Vecchio I do believe you're tryin' to seduce me. Do you
think your husband would mind?" "I don't know. Why don't you ask him." and
she pointed over to the mountie, "He's right over there. Oh sorry, I mean
right here." she moved her hand to point to him now, following it with a
passionate kiss which he returned in kind.
******************************** The most painful memory came out of the
box now. It was the hospital birth announcement for a beautiful baby girl
named Theressa Ann Vecchio, with her birth statistics and small ink
footprints on it. Angie held the paper tight against her chest, closing
her eyes and wishing the paper would miraculously turn into the little
girl she had once held in her arms. Her pregnancy had been a difficult one
near the end. Everyone had been so good to her then. Maria who had gone
through this just a year before was full of advice, helpful tips and she
also shared funny stories about Tony and Ray's behavior during her
pregnancy and labor. Angie barely got to see as much of Ray as she would
have liked, because he had taken on additional work hours to help pay
their bills. To make up for it he'd call her several times a day. She'd
found out from Francesca, who had been visiting with her one day, that
he'd been driving them all crazy by constantly calling his family and
her's charging them with helping check on her too, so that she wouldn't be
alone. She remembered fondly the day he'd taken off to help fix up the
nursery with her. They had a ball joking around as they decorated the room
and he doted on her, making her fall in love with him all over again.
Angie shivered now as she remembered the fear and pain that gripped her
suddenly while walking home from her part-time job at Tre Amici's Bakery
around the block from their apartment. She was eight months pregnant and
something felt terribly wrong, getting gradually worse with every step she
took. The stoop of the apartment was in view and she forced herself to
keep walking, each step causing her more pain until she collapsed at the
foot of the few steps to the main door. A couple of her neighbors saw her
distress and were there immediately helping her inside to her apartment
where they called for an ambulance and Ray, who had been out of the
office. She remembered being terrified that she was going to lose the baby
and no amount of soothing words from her neighbors would console her. She
just wanted Ray to be there with her and for the pain and fear to go away.
She remembered hearing his angry scared voice yelling at some hospital
beauracrat that he needed to see her. He'd used some colorful language and
sarcasm to get his point across which made her smile briefly through her
pain. They were about to wheel her into an operating room, but right
before the door could open she saw his worried eyes and felt his gentle
hand on her's. She was thrilled that he'd somehow managed to reach her,
forcing the gurney to slow for a few seconds. "Angie, I'm here sweetheart.
I'm here. Its gonna be ok." His kiss was too brief as they pushed her away
from him and into the unknown. When she awoke in a hospital room after
having an emergency ceasarean she was disoriented and afraid. It didn't
last long when she realized he was there with her holding her hand and she
could see his face. He looked like hell, exhausted dark circles around his
eyes, slightly dishevelled and needed a shave, but the broad smile and the
excited gleam in his eyes made him the most handsome vision to wake up to
in her eyes. "Glad you finally decided to wake up and join the rest of the
family. I've just been visiting with the latest member who can't wait to
meet you. We have a sweet little girl Ange and she's as beautiful as her
mother." Silent tears of relief and joy slid down her cheek as he kissed
her thoroughly and whispered in her ear. "I love you Angie." Later that
day she saw that he was right, when their small, premature, but healthy
bundle of a daughter was nestled peacefully within her arms. Their being
tired overworked new parents and not quite financially stable, didn't stop
them from being the happiest she could ever remember. They adored the
latest addition to their family and Ray tried to have steadier hours to be
home as much as possible so he could enjoy his new daughter. Theressa was
only two months old when already Ray was bugging Angie about having the
next one. She knew he really wanted a big family, but she still hadn't
given up on her dream of having a career as a cop yet. Having more kids
meant that dream would be put on hold again, possibly indefinitely. She
would have to have a serious talk with him soon about it, but not right
away when they were enjoying their new roles as mother and father to
little Theressa. ******************************** Inside Angie's box of
treasures there was a beautiful white christening outfit that had once
belonged to Theressa. She could barely bring herself to touch it out of
strong emotion and reverence. Finally getting up enough nerve, she held it
in her hands lifting it slowly to her face. Although the outfit had been
cleaned years ago, she breathed in the scent of it, imagining she could
still smell the sweet innocence that was once her daughter. This part of
her memories haunted her the most and brought with it the end of her and
Ray's happiness together. She still remembered vividly that tragic night,
never suspecting that anything this horrible could befall them, still
wondering what could have been done to prevent it. Angie had been sleeping
peacefully, with Ray at her side. Sometime in the early morning she'd
noticed in half-sleep that he was restless and had woken up. "Sweetheart,
you ok? Is it work?" she mumbled over to him, at the same time moving
closer to place an arm around him, hand resting on his bare chest. "Its
nothin'. I'll be ok. I'm gonna go check on Theressa. She'll calm me down.
I'll be right back." He lifted her arm gently off him, kissing her hand
and placing it down on the warm sheet where he'd just been lying. Ray had
been a cop for over two years then. Already he'd seen his share of how
cruel human beings could be to one another, but he still felt driven to
help make it better for as many people as possible, especially to make the
world safer for his wife and daughter. She'd admired him for his courage
to follow his dream and wished to join him in this mission soon. At first
he wouldn't share his experiences as a cop with her, afraid to let the
darkness that he was often a witness to touch her. Only telling her of the
people he worked with or of the good or funny things that happened in his
profession. But she'd encouraged and supported him to release some of the
darker emotional burden to her in order to help dissipate it. He still had
a hard time opening up to her about some of the heavier experiences of
what he'd seen and felt on the job, but lately he was gradually trusting
her with this too and seeing she could handle it. She needed to know these
things not only to help and understand the man she loved, but to prepare
herself for when she would become a cop too. She still hadn't found the
right time to tell him of her ongoing wish though. After Ray left her
side, she couldn't fall back to sleep. She was worried about him, so she
roused herself out of bed and trudged after him a couple of minutes later.
The image of her husband giving Theressa infant CPR was burned into her
mind forever, rousing her fully then from her half- sleep. "Oh god no.
NO!" she cried as she entered the room rushing over to them both and saw
that her baby wasn't moving; was too silent; was gone. Ray kept up the
CPR, all the while talking with and begging Theressa to come back, that
he'd barely noticed Angie in the room with them. Realizing after a while
the futility of what he was doing, she tried to make him stop. When he
finally did and turned to face her, she again realized it was the eyes
that always did it to her, those expressive eyes - so like their
daughter's had been too - mirroring the same pain and grief that were in
her own at the loss of their child. Later, from the medical examiner they
would find out that it had been logged as Sudden Infant Death Syndrome
(SIDS) or crib death. But still they both felt there could have been
something they could have done to prevent it, but were besides themselves
to know what that would have been. The months that followed the death,
funeral and depression they'd both gone into were too horrific, but the
memories flooded her now anyway. She remembered that they'd tried to
comfort each other. Neither felt consoled though, because a part of what
made them whole was gone now and a jagged gaping dark hole remained as it
gradually sucked away the happiness and love they'd once shared. Angie
recalled seeing Irene standing off from them in the distance at Theressa's
funeral. She'd been touched by the gesture until she saw Ray noticing her
there too. The way he looked at her, when he thought Angie wasn't looking,
had hurt and brought back the old feeling of being the third wheel again
like when they were kids. But she shouldn't have felt like this... second
best. Ray was her husband and Irene belonged to someone else. Last she
heard Irene had had a baby boy that was almost the same age as their
Theressa. She knew Ray knew this too and wondered if he ever fantasized
that Irene's child was his own. In her grief she wished Irene hadn't come,
would just disappear, never existed. ********************************
Dusting it off as she pulled it from out of the box came a plaque naming
her as graduating the Police Academy with distinction. Before entering the
Academy, she had to have a serious talk with Ray about it. She knew he
still wanted a big family and after some time had passed after Theressa's
death, he broached the subject again of having more children, even
compromising to just one more. Their love life had fallen to the wayside.
She knew she was frustrating him by not letting him really make love to
her now. Being brought up under strict Roman Catholic doctrines the
thought of contraception still bothered her, so most of the time she chose
abstinence instead, much to her husband's disappointment. He pretended to
understand that it was because she was still depressed over their
daughter's death. But what he didn't realize was how terrified she was of
what he was asking of her. The memories of a painful difficult pregnancy,
as well as the thought of another child seeming sacreligious to the memory
of her first and lastly her dream of becoming a cop again being put on
hold, kept making her response a 'No, I'm not ready yet.'. She hated
herself for hurting him and their marriage, which had taken a turn for the
worse. He'd thrown himself into his work then and although he was never
really unkind to her, they were growing apart and distant as time went on.
When she'd told him she was planning to re-enroll for the Police Academy,
he wasn't as supportive about it as he was before they were married.
They'd argued about it and he tried to discourage her, but she stood her
ground. She knew part of the reason wasn't because he knew she couldn't
handle it, but that he wanted her in the full-time role of wife and
mother, but that wasn't what she wanted then. She'd followed her childhood
dream and was inducted into the police force as a rookie. Ray had been
really proud of her when she graduated near the top of her class. He liked
to tease his coworkers. "Better suck up to me now guys. My wife's gonna be
the Police Commissioner some day." Although he was proud of her, she knew
that their marriage was being stretched thin more and more each day. They
hardly ever saw each other due to their schedules and even when they did
it was if they were just friendly roommates and coworkers rather than
husband and wife. ******************************** There was a cassette at
the bottom of the box. *How'd that get in here?* she thought to herself as
she flipped it over in her hands to see it was one of Ray's old tapes. It
was a Rolling Stones album with the dreaded song 'ANGIE' on it. She hated
that song. It hit too close to home for her and she felt Ray must have
written the lyrics and given them to Mick Jagger. She never wanted to hear
that song again. This only made her think back to the rainy day when Ray
picked her up after her shift ended in his new prized possession; that
green '71 Buick Riviera he loved so much. She'd made him drive to an
isolated spot and park the car. His worried, concerned face turned to
her's, causing a shiver at the sense of deja vu that struck her when he
said "What's wrong Angie? Are you gonna dump me?" This time she couldn't
say 'no'. This time he was right and it hurt so much to say good-bye. But
after 5 years of marriage they were just going through the motions now, it
wasn't a real marriage any more. One of them, she figured it should be her
because she knew how loyal he could be, needed to end this torture she was
putting him and herself through. "Yes." she said as tears threatened to
spill, but she held them in check. He'd put up a fuss about it and argued
with her, but in the end he conceded. Their divorce was finalized a short
time later and he'd been more than fair and generous in the settlement. It
was like a dull ache every time she'd run into him after that, sometimes
at a wedding or a funeral or around town like today at the garage. The
awkwardness and the affectionate peck he'd given her back today letting
her know they weren't strangers, that he still cared about her. She often
wondered if Theressa had lived what her life would be like today. Would
she still be married to Ray? Would they have had more children together?
Would she still have become a police officer? The questions and 'ifs'
drove her crazy. On occassions like now, and since she recently entered
her early thirties, she could hear that biological clock of her's ticking
and started thinking about wanting a family and children to go along with
her career now. But she was afraid it was too late to have this with the
man she wanted to share this dream with; especially after what she'd put
him through already. She closed the box of memories and shook her head
sadly at this extension of her dream. *It ain't gonna happen Angie.*, she
told herself, *Because any other man would just be... second best.* THE
END ANGIE by the Rolling Stones from their album STRIPPED OH, ANGIE,
ANGIE, WHEN WILL THOSE DARK CLOUDS DISAPPEAR? ANGIE, ANGIE, WHERE WILL IT
LEAD US FROM HERE WITH NO LOVING IN OUR SOULS AND NO MONEY IN OUR COATS
YOU CAN'T SAY WE'RE SATISFIED BUT ANGIE, ANGIE, YOU CAN'T SAY WE NEVER
TRIED ANGIE, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, BUT AIN'T IT TIME WE SAID GOODBYE? ANGIE, I
STILL LOVE YOU, REMEMBER ALL THOSE NIGHTS WE CRIED? ALL THE DREAMS WE HELD
SO CLOSE SEEMED TO ALL GO UP IN SMOKE LET ME WHISPER IN YOUR EAR ANGIE,
ANGIE, WHERE WILL IT LEAD US FROM HERE OH, ANGIE, DON'T YOU WEEP, ALL YOUR
KISSES STILL TASTE SWEET I HATE THAT SADNESS IN YOUR EYES BUT ANGIE, I
STILL LOVE YOU BABY, EV'RYWHERE I LOOK I SEE YOUR EYES THERE AIN'T A WOMAN
THAT COMES CLOSE TO YOU, COME ON BABY, DRY YOUR EYES BUT ANGIE, ANGIE,
AIN'T IT GOOD TO BE ALIVE? ANGIE, ANGIE, THEY CAN'T SAY WE NEVER TRIED THE
END   Return to the Due South Fiction Archive