Loose Ends Part 1	Loose Ends Part 1 by Alison

 Author's disclaimer: They belong to Alliance

 Author's notes: Hi! Thought you'd got rid of me didn't you? Not yet! 

This is the first part of what turned into another three parter. It's
slightly AU regarding Stella's meeting with Fraser. 

Enjoy and let me know what you think at alison-c@ukonline.co.uk (new
addy). 

Thank you to everybody who let me know their opinion of the 'Heart'
stories. You all really encouraged me - so blame yourselves!

  

 "...if I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more...." 

 I do not show my emotions easily. Although I admire people who can, I was
not raised that way, and as I grew older it became an ingrained habit.
Victoria forced her way under mask and the pain she caused me almost
killed me. 

 After she left me I promised myself that never again would I let anybody
get close to me. 

 But that was before Ray Kowalski, with his abundant energy and his
refusal to back down. Shields are no use against a person if that person
simply will not acknowledge they exist. 

 He wears his heart on his sleeve in all things and before I could even
recover from the shock of this blazing, brilliant stranger appearing in my
life, he was through the shields and into my bed. 

 I love watching him sleep. All the attitude he carries with him during
the day evaporates, and the Ray that only I get to see is laid open to me.
He brings emotions I thought long and well buried dangerously close to the
surface. I care for him deeply, but to admit that I love him, even to
myself, is too much. Too big. I care for him. 

 He jumps suddenly in his sleep and turns over, reaching for me. He wakes
because I'm not there, and I feel a spark of pleasure about that. 

 He looks around until he spots me standing in the doorway and half
smiles. He would never claim to be a morning person, although he does his
best. 

 He holds out one hand and I go to him willingly, hugging him as hard as I
can. I love the morning, sleepy smell of him. 

 "Hey," he says finally, pulling away. "Why were you standing there like a
spare part? I can always find you something to do." He accompanies this
with his best leer, and I can't help but laugh. 

 "You really are incorrigible," I say to him affectionately. 

 "No, Polish," he answers, lying back on the bed and casting me an
inviting glance. 

 "Much as I would like to join you," I say, "I have the early shift, so I
must go. And anyway, you have to get to work yourself." 

 He grunts and rolls over, burrowing into the pillows, at the same time
presenting me with a delectable view of his long, lean back. My eyes
automatically drop lower, drinking in the lines and curves of his body. I
can't stop myself running a hand down his back and he groans quietly and
rubs himself against me. 

 I straighten up. If I don't leave this apartment now neither of us will
be at work anytime soon. 

 "I'll see you later," I say. "Will you please get up?" 

 I will give him the benefit of the doubt and assume the hand gesture he
made was supposed to be a wave. 

 Since meeting Ray, my work at the Consulate has become even less
interesting. I still do it to the best of my ability anything else would
be impossible for me but I have to confess that on the rare occasions I am
called on for sentry duty, an entire army, complete with marching band,
could enter the building under my nose and I would do little more than
smile politely. 

 Unless work related, Ray and I do not speak to each other during the day
it is an unwritten rule so when Turnbull tells me he is on the phone I
assume he has some problem with a case and needs to talk it through. He
sounds - odd. Subdued. 

 "Ray? What's the matter? What's happened?" 

 "No I'm okay Frase. Just needed to hear a friendly voice, y'know?" He
pauses. "Stella's here." 

 Stella. Ray's ex-wife. The woman who had taken his heart, stamped on it
and thrown it back in his face. He had told me that it had taken him a
long time to recover from losing her, but he had been lying. He has still
not recovered completely. 

 "Look Ray, I'm just about finished here. I'll be there in 20 minutes." 

 "Nah ," I cut off his automatic protest by the simple expedient of
putting the phone down. 

 I am at the precinct, as promised, in 20 minutes. Ray is sitting at his
desk gazing at a report. He looks up as I approach and smiles slightly. I
squeeze his arm briefly as I sit in my usual place. 

 I had picked out Stella immediately, of course, although Ray has taken
down the photograph he had kept in his apartment. Small and smart, with
dark blonde hair, she complements Ray perfectly, but there is a hardness
in her expression which reacted with something in me to create an instant
dislike. 

 I have not had time to ask Ray anything when Stella turns from her
conversation with Lieutenant Welsh and approaches us. 

 "Is that report ready yet Ray?" she asks, ignoring me for the moment. 

 Ray's eyes flicker up briefly to her face then he goes back to staring
fixedly at his hands. 

 "Not yet," he says softly. 

 Stella sighs, and the noise sets my teeth on edge. 

 "Well do you think you could stop talking to your friend here and
actually do some work?" she snaps. 

 I stand up. "A pleasure to meet you Ms Kowalski. I am Constable Benton
Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. I'm Ray's partner." 

 She barely acknowledges me. A quick glance and a nod, then all her
attention is on Ray again. 

 "So how much longer do you need?" she asks. "I've only got a week before
the trial opens. Could you manage to have it ready by then?" 

 //Fight back! This isn't like you// 

 "It'll be another coupla hours," he says. "I could drop it round your
apartment." 

 Stella heaves another put-upon sigh and nods. 

 "Very well. If that's the best you can do." She turns on her heels and
makes her brisk way out of the Squad Room. 

 Ray holds up a hand. 

 "Don't say anything, okay? She gets to me. I've never been able to fight
back. Don't ask me to start now." 

 He looks back down at his desk. "You gonna help me with this?" 

 "Of course Ray." I reach out and pick up the piece of paper from the
desk. It's completely blank. 

 "Needs quite a bit of work," he says solemnly, before giving me a huge,
room-lighting grin. 

 "Oh Ray - ," half affection, half exasperation. I pick up the case file
he hands me and begin to read. 

 Almost three hours later we pull up outside Stella's apartment block. 

 "Oh man, she's gonna be mad," groans Ray. "I'm going to have to claim an
Act of God, you do realise that?" 

 "And she'll accept that as an explanation as to why we're late?" I can't
help but feel a little sceptical. 

 He shrugs, not speaking, then reaches over and takes the report from my
hand. I give his hand a quick squeeze and he smiles at me before climbing
out of the car. 

 He is back in a matter of minutes. 

 "She wasn't in," he says. "I shoved the report under her door and ran
like a frightened woman. We can go home now." 

 By the time we reach his apartment, he is almost back to his old self,
affectionate and teasing. 

 As we enter the building he reaches out and takes my hand, tangling his
fingers in mine. Pulling me close he leans his head against my shoulder. 

 "Hey," he says. 

 "Hey," I answer, dropping a kiss on his hair. His sigh echoes in the
deserted lobby. 

 "Tired?" I say, and he nods. 

 Pulling my hand free I put both arms around him and hug him to me. He
holds his face up to be kissed and I comply. His arms go around me as the
kiss changes from gentle to intense and he begins to make those delightful
throaty moans which I love to hear. 

 I am just about to suggest we move to the apartment when there is a blast
of cold air on my back as the door opens. Ray turns to stone in my arms,
eyes wide open. 

 "Oh shit," he mutters. 

 "Ray!" There is no need to turn around. Stella Kowalski. It just would
be. 

 "Just what the hell's going on?" she demands, still standing behind me. I
turn to face her, keeping one arm around Ray's shoulder. 

 "Ms Kowalski," I say politely, "How nice to see you again. Did you get
the report?" 

 She stands just inside the doorway, looking from one to the other of us,
seemingly unable to form a coherent sentence. She looks, I think to
myself, like a stranded goldfish. If only she would close her mouth it
would help. 

 "Stella?" says Ray softly. I can feel the tension radiating off him. 

 Stella visibly shakes herself and closes her mouth with an audible snap. 

 "How many people know about this?" she asks. 

 "Just you, officially," I answer. "Unofficially many people suspect." 

 She glares at me. If looks could kill I would have dropped dead on the
spot. I read the challenge in that look. 

 //You're not having him,// it says. //He belongs to me.// 

 Very deliberately I tighten my grip around Ray's shoulders. 

 "Do you want anything specific?" I ask her. "Otherwise, if you don't
mind, Ray's tired and we both want to get to bed." That hit home. 

 "Nothing that can't wait," she snaps, and without another word she turns
and leaves the building. 

 "Come on Ray," I say gently, leading him up the stairs to his apartment. 

 I am expecting him to want to talk about Stella and his thoughts on what
has happened, but he is quiet, taking a shower and putting on an old pair
of sweats. He doesn't bother with a shirt. 

 He comes over to where I am sitting on the couch and kneels in front of
me, pushing my legs apart. I have taken off my jacket and he now untucks
my undershirt, sliding his hands up the flesh of my stomach. He leaves
them there, then rests his chin on his hands, just looking at me. 

 "What?" I finally ask. 

 "Do you mind that Stella knows?" 

 "Not at all. Do you?" 

 He sighs and briefly closes his eyes. "I guess not," he says. "She just
looked so disgusted. A lot of people will feel like that." 

 "Are you disgusted?" I ask softly, one hand beginning to stroke his hair.


 "God no!" he exclaims, pushing into the touch. 

 "Then get up here and kiss me, you fool," I say. He laughs and climbs to
his feet, bringing my undershirt with him, so I have no choice but to
raise my arms and let him remove it. 

 He leans over and kisses me. 

 "Bed," he says against my lips. 

 "Bed," I agree. 

 He's sleeping like a baby. In true masculine fashion, sex relaxes him to
the point of coma. He's draped across me, face buried in my neck. He likes
to touch and be touched. 

 My mind goes back to Stella, even as one of my hands idly strokes down
Ray's back, the motion more to assure me of the reality of him than
anything else. 

 That woman issued a challenge tonight. She may not want Ray anymore, but
she's determined that no one else will have him either. Especially not me.


 My tension must have communicated itself to Ray, who stirs against me,
muttering my name. I feel his eyelashes against my neck as he opens his
eyes and the vulnerability of it seizes my heart. I'm surprised by the
depth of my emotions. 

 "You okay?" he mutters, arms tightening briefly. 

 "Go back to sleep Ray," I say softly. "I'm fine." 

 He shifts his position, then freezes, and I feel his smile. 

 "Fine are we? What's this then?" He reaches between us and wraps his hand
around me. "Want me to take care of that?" 

 "Go to sleep," I say again. He still hasn't woken up properly and the
last thing I need is the sweet torture of him falling asleep halfway
through. 

 His breathing starts to deepen, but he doesn't move his hand. 

 "Come on Frase," he whispers suddenly, surprising me. "You don't have to
stay like that for the rest of the night." He moves his hips gently and I
can't help the noise I make. 

 He smiles. "That's it," he says. "Whatever you want, it's yours." 

 I can't resist for long. I never can. 

 Reaching down, I wrap my hand around his, tightening his grip, and begin
to move. He's still draped atop me and it's like being enclosed in a warm,
Ray smelling blanket. 

 I put my free hand on his back, holding him close and he mutters his
contentment. Then Ray, being Ray, decides to help things along by sticking
his tongue in my ear. Unfortunately I'm not expecting it and my surprised
buck throws him off me and very nearly off the bed. 

 He laughs, fully awake, and reaches for me, putting both arms around my
neck and pulling me down to him, down where it's warm and soft and Ray. 

 He wraps his legs around me and urges me to continue, rubbing one thumb
at the base of my neck, the other hand trailing down my back. 

 "Oh Ray," I can't stop the whisper, and I can't stop thrusting against
him, harder now, more urgently. 

 He doesn't answer, just stops stroking my neck. Instead he pulls my head
down and kisses me deeply. I can still taste myself in his mouth and that
excites me. I raise myself so I have a hand either side of his face, still
kissing, still thrusting. His legs wraps more tightly around me and his
hands rest on my lower back and begin to pull me closer to him. He's
moaning into my mouth, knowing how his helpless vocalisations thrill me. 

 I pull my mouth away from his, wanting to see his face, but his hands
come up, trying to pull me back. 

 "No no," he whispers. He lifts his head from the pillow, trying to reach
my mouth. "Kiss me," he pleads. "Kiss me." I lean down and trail my lips
lightly across his mouth, teasing him by pulling away from him again. 

 "Bastard," he mutters, looking up at me, laughing. "Come here." 

 Reaching down I catch his lower lip between my teeth and then he's got me
again, and I'm lost. 

 My orgasm is strong and I cry Ray's name into his mouth. He holds me
close with arms and legs until my breathing returns to normal, then he
settles my head on his shoulder. 

 "I gotcha," he says softly. "Your turn to sleep." 

 My last thought as I drift off is that I will not let Stella drive us
apart. 

 When I wake up the next morning Ray has gone from the bed. This is most
unusual, and coupled with the run in with Stella, sets me worrying. 

 I quickly pull on my RCMP sweats and walk quietly into the living room.
Ray is sitting in the corner of the couch, arms wrapped around his pulled
up knees. 

 "Ray? Are you okay?" I walk around to the front of the couch and kneel by
his side. 

 He blinks, coming back from somewhere a long time ago, I suspect. He puts
one hand on my cheek, then returns to hugging himself. 

 "Frase," he says softly. "Been thinking." 

 "About Stella?" I ask. The name hurts when I say it, but I think we have
to talk about her. 

 He nods, not looking at me. 

 "You have to understand something, Frase," he says. "I fell in love with
her when I was 12 years old, and it never wavered, never faltered, even
when things began to go wrong. Eventually though, it faded. But I do love
her. Thing is she kicked me when I was down so often that I changed into
some kind of puppy with her no matter how badly I was treated I would
always beg for more. 

 I was no saint either, you gotta understand. I drank and brought the job
home with me. Marriage wasn't the fairytale we expected, and neither of us
was mature enough to change." 

 I put one hand tentatively on his arm. For once I don't know what to say.
This quiet, reflective Ray is so different. 

 He half smiles at me. 

 "So we grew apart, strangers. And then it was over. I had to be away from
home for months at a stretch sometimes, because of the undercover work,
and it got to be too much for both of us. I got back after one case and
she'd gone. End of story." He sighed and rubbed his hands across his face.


 "I didn't react very well. Went on a 3 day bender and trashed the house,
and then I took the next assignment they offered me. This one." 

 He uncurls himself and shifts so he can face me. I still kneel at his
feet. He picks up one of my hands and begins to trace random patterns on
the back of it. I watch, fascinated by the movement of those elegant
fingers. 

 "And when I met you I fell so hard, so fast, that I could hardly breathe.
It was like getting a second chance. I do love you Fraser, you have to
believe that, but Stella -," 

 "Stella was there first." There's bitterness in my voice and I can't hide
it. "She has a part of you that I'll never get back." 

 His hand stills but I don't look up. 

 "That's not what I mean," he says. "Oh fuck. You know what I'm like with
words. She knew me then, you know me now, and this is where I want to be,
but if I see her and behave like a doofus, don't -," he stops and I see
him swallow. He is opening his soul to me here, and it's hurting. 

 "If I behave like a doofus," he says again, "don't let it drive you
away." 

 I almost laugh. "Ray! Nothing could drive me away. I'll be here as long
as you need me." 

 He looks up and smiles shyly. 

 "That's good," he says. "That is so fucking good." 

 He pulls me onto the sofa with him and we laugh and kiss and touch and
hold until it's time to get ready for the day. It's all good with Ray; all
of it, and although he may sometimes be a doofus, he is and will remain my
doofus. 

 The situation feels a little easier after Ray's words, but I don't want
to be away from him for long, which is why I react with such dismay when I
open an official looking letter waiting for me at the Consulate and
discover that I have been seconded to Toronto for month. 

 I sit at my desk looking at the letter. I don't have a reasonable excuse
for not going. I can hardly tell the Inspector why I have to stay here. 

 I have to leave next week. 

 When I get to the Precinct after work, Stella Kowalski is sitting at
Ray's desk, talking to him. I watch from the doorway as she tilts her head
and laughs at something he's said to her. She leans forward and puts her
hand on his arm. He pulls away and sits back, to my relief. 

 He looks up and sees me and smiles. Stella follows his gaze and doesn't
smile. She stands up and kisses his cheek, then walks past me with barely
a nod. 

 "She came to thank me for the report," Ray says by way of explanation.
"She's invited me out to dinner next week. Is that okay?" 

 Next week. 

 I must have looked odd, because he leans forward. "Frase? Fraser, what is
it?" 

 I pass the letter to him. He unfolds it without looking at it, then
glances down. 

 "Fuck," he says softly as the words hit home. He passes the letter back
and says, "Do you want me not to go?" 

 I force a laugh. "Good heavens Ray, of course not. I'll call you and you
can tell me about it." 

 //Don't go. Don't go.// 

 "Well if you're sure," he says. "A month's a long time. Not fair." 

 "Part of the job Ray," I say neutrally. 

 I hurt him that night, I know I do, although he doesn't say anything
other than the occasional grunt of protest. 

 I need to mark him as my own, so that Stella will know that he's not
hers. 

 I bite a trail from his neck to his belly, leaving marks which will
deepen into bruises. 

 When I thrust myself into him, I deliberately grip his hips hard enough
to bruise. I am overly rough and he has to brace himself with one hand on
the bed frame. 

 "Fraser!" he gasps. I reach round and put my hand over his mouth to stop
him speaking. I am almost undone when he sucks one of my fingers into his
mouth, but I am too far gone to be distracted for long. 

 When I collapse against him, he lowers us both onto the bed, and with a
little half twist, slides out from under me and gathers me into a hard
embrace. 

 We don't speak. 

 THE END